on the bad days I asked myself what good is all this body positivity I talked
is all this body positivity I talked
is all this body positivity I talked about when my own body exhausts me when
about when my own body exhausts me when
about when my own body exhausts me when I can’t forget how uncomfortable I feel
I can’t forget how uncomfortable I feel
I can’t forget how uncomfortable I feel in a club unless I drink my weight in
in a club unless I drink my weight in
in a club unless I drink my weight in tequila when my girlfriend stopped being
tequila when my girlfriend stopped being
tequila when my girlfriend stopped being the woman who saved me and instead
the woman who saved me and instead
the woman who saved me and instead become the bodies I will never have when
become the bodies I will never have when
become the bodies I will never have when I seek validation from intense on a
I seek validation from intense on a
I seek validation from intense on a dancefloor a hot breath in my ear a
dancefloor a hot breath in my ear a
dancefloor a hot breath in my ear a strange body naming me beautiful does
strange body naming me beautiful does
strange body naming me beautiful does all of my work become undone when I
all of my work become undone when I
all of my work become undone when I choose to stay home alone crying and
choose to stay home alone crying and
choose to stay home alone crying and better when this poem asked to be
better when this poem asked to be
better when this poem asked to be written I say no until choking me until
written I say no until choking me until
written I say no until choking me until I can’t breathe through the sobs until I
I can’t breathe through the sobs until I
I can’t breathe through the sobs until I don’t know which is the lie my love for
don’t know which is the lie my love for
don’t know which is the lie my love for my fat body or my desperation to escape
my fat body or my desperation to escape
my fat body or my desperation to escape it can love and hate live in the same
it can love and hate live in the same
it can love and hate live in the same place last week last week I was dancing
place last week last week I was dancing
place last week last week I was dancing with a man I had never met but his hands
with a man I had never met but his hands
with a man I had never met but his hands touched me like they note like they knew
touched me like they note like they knew
touched me like they note like they knew me for years I laughed and I was made of
me for years I laughed and I was made of
me for years I laughed and I was made of mirrors reflecting on light in the room
mirrors reflecting on light in the room
mirrors reflecting on light in the room then another man leaned in and said to
then another man leaned in and said to
then another man leaned in and said to him at some point we just got to say
him at some point we just got to say
him at some point we just got to say it and get what you can right I
it and get what you can right I
it and get what you can right I closed my eyes as my partner kissed my
closed my eyes as my partner kissed my
closed my eyes as my partner kissed my neck I let him grab a handful of my ass
neck I let him grab a handful of my ass
neck I let him grab a handful of my ass I let him ask if he could take me home I
I let him ask if he could take me home I
I let him ask if he could take me home I danced like your fight demons were
danced like your fight demons were
danced like your fight demons were watching like if they stood just a few
watching like if they stood just a few
watching like if they stood just a few feet away alone with a drink in hand in
feet away alone with a drink in hand in
feet away alone with a drink in hand in most days most days I don’t mind those
most days most days I don’t mind those
most days most days I don’t mind those stairs that linger over my belly
stairs that linger over my belly
stairs that linger over my belly knowing that confused people who think
knowing that confused people who think
knowing that confused people who think you can’t be this fat and still be the
you can’t be this fat and still be the
you can’t be this fat and still be the baddest chick in a room you should see
baddest chick in a room you should see
baddest chick in a room you should see me I could blind the Sun on days like
me I could blind the Sun on days like
me I could blind the Sun on days like that but then then come the nights where
that but then then come the nights where
that but then then come the nights where I wonder if I am still that woman that
I wonder if I am still that woman that
I wonder if I am still that woman that used to pretend to be other woman on the
used to pretend to be other woman on the
used to pretend to be other woman on the internet just to feel loved
internet just to feel loved
internet just to feel loved is this another woman I am pretending to
is this another woman I am pretending to
is this another woman I am pretending to be because I love myself I swear I do
be because I love myself I swear I do
be because I love myself I swear I do there isn’t a day that I don’t praise
there isn’t a day that I don’t praise
there isn’t a day that I don’t praise this body and how it forgives me how it
this body and how it forgives me how it
this body and how it forgives me how it saves me how it lets me live here that
saves me how it lets me live here that
saves me how it lets me live here that maybe this unapologetic be this fat girl
maybe this unapologetic be this fat girl
maybe this unapologetic be this fat girl Gloria be this sweet
Gloria be this sweet
Gloria be this sweet in ballistic father I believe in this
in ballistic father I believe in this
in ballistic father I believe in this left in this truth that is always the
left in this truth that is always the
left in this truth that is always the truth even when the world tries to tell
truth even when the world tries to tell
truth even when the world tries to tell me that being fat and beautiful and
me that being fat and beautiful and
me that being fat and beautiful and something I already do every day
hello so my leave my name is Jessica
hello so my leave my name is Jessica Salgado and I am a poet and a fly
Salgado and I am a poet and a fly
Salgado and I am a poet and a fly background girl now I didn’t always
background girl now I didn’t always
background girl now I didn’t always introduce myself to the world this way
introduce myself to the world this way
introduce myself to the world this way in fact I didn’t introduce myself a lot
in fact I didn’t introduce myself a lot
in fact I didn’t introduce myself a lot at all for a long long time I come from
at all for a long long time I come from
at all for a long long time I come from a large Salvadorian family I’m the
a large Salvadorian family I’m the
a large Salvadorian family I’m the oldest of three sisters and just so
oldest of three sisters and just so
oldest of three sisters and just so happens that I am also the fattest my
happens that I am also the fattest my
happens that I am also the fattest my culture everything is celebrated with
culture everything is celebrated with
culture everything is celebrated with food birthdays anniversaries graduations
food birthdays anniversaries graduations
food birthdays anniversaries graduations church every other Saturday everything
church every other Saturday everything
church every other Saturday everything and if you don’t eat when you come over
and if you don’t eat when you come over
and if you don’t eat when you come over to visit a relative is not only an
to visit a relative is not only an
to visit a relative is not only an insult to their food but also to their
insult to their food but also to their
insult to their food but also to their love and their hard work so I ate and I
love and their hard work so I ate and I
love and their hard work so I ate and I developed a complicated relationship
developed a complicated relationship
developed a complicated relationship with food and my body always feeling
with food and my body always feeling
with food and my body always feeling ashamed for how much it grew how much
ashamed for how much it grew how much
ashamed for how much it grew how much space I took up how little of me I felt
space I took up how little of me I felt
space I took up how little of me I felt with the more mass I accumulated as a
with the more mass I accumulated as a
with the more mass I accumulated as a teenager I discovered catfishing now
teenager I discovered catfishing now
teenager I discovered catfishing now catfishing is when you go online
catfishing is when you go online
catfishing is when you go online pretending to be something you are not I
pretending to be something you are not I
pretending to be something you are not I pretended to be a tall thin brunette a
pretended to be a tall thin brunette a
pretended to be a tall thin brunette a thin woman with conventional beauty I
thin woman with conventional beauty I
thin woman with conventional beauty I thought now I was someone worth being
thought now I was someone worth being
thought now I was someone worth being worth being heard worth being seen so I
worth being heard worth being seen so I
worth being heard worth being seen so I started sharing my poetry on online
started sharing my poetry on online
started sharing my poetry on online forums this way you see I thought that a
forums this way you see I thought that a
forums this way you see I thought that a fat woman a fat Latina woman had no
fat woman a fat Latina woman had no
fat woman a fat Latina woman had no place in the world to tell them about
place in the world to tell them about
place in the world to tell them about love or her family or sex or anything
love or her family or sex or anything
love or her family or sex or anything like that but as someone beautiful or
like that but as someone beautiful or
like that but as someone beautiful or who I thought was beautiful at the time
who I thought was beautiful at the time
who I thought was beautiful at the time people would listen and this way I
people would listen and this way I
people would listen and this way I started getting involved in a lot of
started getting involved in a lot of
started getting involved in a lot of relationships a lot of a romantic
relationships a lot of a romantic
relationships a lot of a romantic relationships as I’ve always liked the
relationships as I’ve always liked the
relationships as I’ve always liked the boys and the last time that I catfished
boys and the last time that I catfished
boys and the last time that I catfished it was with a man named Dominic we had
it was with a man named Dominic we had
it was with a man named Dominic we had been in a relationship for six months
been in a relationship for six months
been in a relationship for six months and I was so in love but the lies were
and I was so in love but the lies were
and I was so in love but the lies were pi
pi
pi running over each other so much that I
running over each other so much that I
running over each other so much that I couldn’t even breathe I finally told him
couldn’t even breathe I finally told him
couldn’t even breathe I finally told him one day the truth I’m not the woman in
one day the truth I’m not the woman in
one day the truth I’m not the woman in the pictures I am NOT the woman he
the pictures I am NOT the woman he
the pictures I am NOT the woman he thought he was in love with that’s not
thought he was in love with that’s not
thought he was in love with that’s not me he asked to see the real me my face I
me he asked to see the real me my face I
me he asked to see the real me my face I remember sitting on the curb outside of
remember sitting on the curb outside of
remember sitting on the curb outside of my job that day sobbing at the thought
my job that day sobbing at the thought
my job that day sobbing at the thought of taking a picture of my own body and
of taking a picture of my own body and
of taking a picture of my own body and sending it to this man that I loved I
sending it to this man that I loved I
sending it to this man that I loved I thought my biggest sin wasn’t the lies
thought my biggest sin wasn’t the lies
thought my biggest sin wasn’t the lies but it was in tricking him into falling
but it was in tricking him into falling
but it was in tricking him into falling in love with a fat woman so when I sent
in love with a fat woman so when I sent
in love with a fat woman so when I sent him my actual picture he answered why
him my actual picture he answered why
him my actual picture he answered why didn’t you let me love you why didn’t
didn’t you let me love you why didn’t
didn’t you let me love you why didn’t you give me that choice I went home and
you give me that choice I went home and
you give me that choice I went home and that question kept rattling in my head
that question kept rattling in my head
that question kept rattling in my head why didn’t you give me that choice why
why didn’t you give me that choice why
why didn’t you give me that choice why didn’t you give me that choice why
didn’t you give me that choice why
didn’t you give me that choice why didn’t I give myself that choice I had
didn’t I give myself that choice I had
didn’t I give myself that choice I had this I had allowed the world to decide
this I had allowed the world to decide
this I had allowed the world to decide who I was and what I looked like carried
who I was and what I looked like carried
who I was and what I looked like carried value I hadn’t asked myself to love
value I hadn’t asked myself to love
value I hadn’t asked myself to love myself I was sad and angry and
myself I was sad and angry and
myself I was sad and angry and frustrated I didn’t know what to do my
frustrated I didn’t know what to do my
frustrated I didn’t know what to do my mentor at the time suggested I seek
mentor at the time suggested I seek
mentor at the time suggested I seek therapy someone to hold me accountable
therapy someone to hold me accountable
therapy someone to hold me accountable to pull me outside of myself so I
to pull me outside of myself so I
to pull me outside of myself so I started seeing my therapist I
started seeing my therapist I
started seeing my therapist I specifically asked for a woman and she
specifically asked for a woman and she
specifically asked for a woman and she and I used to meet every Saturday for
and I used to meet every Saturday for
and I used to meet every Saturday for over a year and we did a lot of hard
over a year and we did a lot of hard
over a year and we did a lot of hard work of finding myself we did a lot of
work of finding myself we did a lot of
work of finding myself we did a lot of exercises that involved me looking at
exercises that involved me looking at
exercises that involved me looking at myself so I would go home and stare in
myself so I would go home and stare in
myself so I would go home and stare in my mirror as uncomfortable as it was I
my mirror as uncomfortable as it was I
my mirror as uncomfortable as it was I would take as many pictures as I could
would take as many pictures as I could
would take as many pictures as I could selfies and post them all over the
selfies and post them all over the
selfies and post them all over the Internet
Internet
Internet fast forward a few months and even years
fast forward a few months and even years
fast forward a few months and even years I started wearing a lipstick I started
I started wearing a lipstick I started
I started wearing a lipstick I started doing my hair I started wearing other
doing my hair I started wearing other
doing my hair I started wearing other colors that that flattered my beautiful
colors that that flattered my beautiful
colors that that flattered my beautiful brown skin my curbs all of it I remember
brown skin my curbs all of it I remember
brown skin my curbs all of it I remember I was at a shopping mall and you know I
I was at a shopping mall and you know I
I was at a shopping mall and you know I was buying stuff like we all usually do
was buying stuff like we all usually do
was buying stuff like we all usually do and I saw a crop top hanging in the
and I saw a crop top hanging in the
and I saw a crop top hanging in the distance and it glowed you know like
distance and it glowed you know like
distance and it glowed you know like those apparitions that happen like it
those apparitions that happen like it
those apparitions that happen like it was calling my name
was calling my name
was calling my name and so I I took it I went into the
and so I I took it I went into the
and so I I took it I went into the dressing room I put it on and I looked
dressing room I put it on and I looked
dressing room I put it on and I looked at myself in the mirror for a long time
at myself in the mirror for a long time
at myself in the mirror for a long time at first I felt ridiculous and then I
at first I felt ridiculous and then I
at first I felt ridiculous and then I felt different interesting bold like
felt different interesting bold like
felt different interesting bold like those people you see in TV that you’re
those people you see in TV that you’re
those people you see in TV that you’re like man it won’t
like man it won’t
like man it won’t to be as brave as them I bought the
to be as brave as them I bought the
to be as brave as them I bought the shirt I took at home with no intentions
shirt I took at home with no intentions
shirt I took at home with no intentions of ever wearing it anywhere it hidden my
of ever wearing it anywhere it hidden my
of ever wearing it anywhere it hidden my closet for a long long time I pulled it
closet for a long long time I pulled it
closet for a long long time I pulled it out look at it I took selfies in it I
out look at it I took selfies in it I
out look at it I took selfies in it I posted it online but I never wore it out
posted it online but I never wore it out
posted it online but I never wore it out it was there until one day I was like oh
it was there until one day I was like oh
it was there until one day I was like oh well I put it on like armor I braced
well I put it on like armor I braced
well I put it on like armor I braced myself for whatever would happen and I
myself for whatever would happen and I
myself for whatever would happen and I went out into the world and guess what
went out into the world and guess what
went out into the world and guess what happened nothing nobody cared
happened nothing nobody cared
happened nothing nobody cared I didn’t implode nobody threw tomatoes
I didn’t implode nobody threw tomatoes
I didn’t implode nobody threw tomatoes at me I made it back home safe and sound
at me I made it back home safe and sound
at me I made it back home safe and sound and this way crop tops became a part of
and this way crop tops became a part of
and this way crop tops became a part of my armor every day I started wearing
my armor every day I started wearing
my armor every day I started wearing them specifically for perform for
them specifically for perform for
them specifically for perform for performances I started wearing them to
performances I started wearing them to
performances I started wearing them to clubs I started wearing them around the
clubs I started wearing them around the
clubs I started wearing them around the house my belly always exposed the part
house my belly always exposed the part
house my belly always exposed the part that I always wished away from you
that I always wished away from you
that I always wished away from you became my biggest pride and joy now I’m
became my biggest pride and joy now I’m
became my biggest pride and joy now I’m a poet and I’ve always been performing
a poet and I’ve always been performing
a poet and I’ve always been performing and this way I formed the collective
and this way I formed the collective
and this way I formed the collective coaching quantifier and we not only
coaching quantifier and we not only
coaching quantifier and we not only celebrate other woman but we also
celebrate other woman but we also
celebrate other woman but we also celebrate our different bodies my
celebrate our different bodies my
celebrate our different bodies my partner Angela and I look very very
partner Angela and I look very very
partner Angela and I look very very different together she is a she’s
different together she is a she’s
different together she is a she’s considered a petite smaller woman next
considered a petite smaller woman next
considered a petite smaller woman next to me but she and I look so fly when we
to me but she and I look so fly when we
to me but she and I look so fly when we stand next to each other whether bold
stand next to each other whether bold
stand next to each other whether bold lipstick and our hoops and I hair and
lipstick and our hoops and I hair and
lipstick and our hoops and I hair and everything so I learned to love myself
everything so I learned to love myself
everything so I learned to love myself to say yes to myself any chance I got
to say yes to myself any chance I got
to say yes to myself any chance I got now this doesn’t negate the fact that
now this doesn’t negate the fact that
now this doesn’t negate the fact that all of those years of difficult words
all of those years of difficult words
all of those years of difficult words that I learned didn’t still rattle in my
that I learned didn’t still rattle in my
that I learned didn’t still rattle in my head sometimes I wake up and I still
head sometimes I wake up and I still
head sometimes I wake up and I still have bad days days that I can’t get out
have bad days days that I can’t get out
have bad days days that I can’t get out of bed days where this body feels so
of bed days where this body feels so
of bed days where this body feels so heavy where I resent it where I feel
heavy where I resent it where I feel
heavy where I resent it where I feel guilty for feeling this bad about my
guilty for feeling this bad about my
guilty for feeling this bad about my body because I know there are so many
body because I know there are so many
body because I know there are so many woman that look at my bravery and say I
woman that look at my bravery and say I
woman that look at my bravery and say I want to be like her so I remind myself
want to be like her so I remind myself
want to be like her so I remind myself on those days that love does not work
on those days that love does not work
on those days that love does not work this way
this way
this way love is a constant question it is the it
love is a constant question it is the it
love is a constant question it is the it is willing it is being willing to ask
is willing it is being willing to ask
is willing it is being willing to ask yourself the same question every day and
yourself the same question every day and
yourself the same question every day and no matter what the answer is to always
no matter what the answer is to always
no matter what the answer is to always be willing to O to answer it with an
be willing to O to answer it with an
be willing to O to answer it with an open heart you
open heart you
open heart you see loving yourself isn’t a spell that
see loving yourself isn’t a spell that
see loving yourself isn’t a spell that you pour over yourself you don’t wake up
you pour over yourself you don’t wake up
you pour over yourself you don’t wake up on it and say you know what I’m fine and
on it and say you know what I’m fine and
on it and say you know what I’m fine and nobody else is ever going to say
nobody else is ever going to say
nobody else is ever going to say anything about this I’m a feel-good
anything about this I’m a feel-good
anything about this I’m a feel-good every single day every single moment
every single day every single moment
every single day every single moment that’s not how this works
that’s not how this works
that’s not how this works it is armor we put it on piece by piece
it is armor we put it on piece by piece
it is armor we put it on piece by piece some days you could only get the sleeves
some days you could only get the sleeves
some days you could only get the sleeves on other days just one shoe some days to
on other days just one shoe some days to
on other days just one shoe some days to get all of the battle gear on and you go
get all of the battle gear on and you go
get all of the battle gear on and you go out into the world ready for war you
out into the world ready for war you
out into the world ready for war you know I have a saying that says take a
know I have a saying that says take a
know I have a saying that says take a picture on the good days so you could
picture on the good days so you could
picture on the good days so you could find it on the bad days leave yourself
find it on the bad days leave yourself
find it on the bad days leave yourself love notes leave yourself a reminder of
love notes leave yourself a reminder of
love notes leave yourself a reminder of the days that you felt invincible of the
the days that you felt invincible of the
the days that you felt invincible of the day that it didn’t matter what anybody
day that it didn’t matter what anybody
day that it didn’t matter what anybody else had to say about anything about you
else had to say about anything about you
else had to say about anything about you where you believe your own voice in your
where you believe your own voice in your
where you believe your own voice in your head where you spoke louder than the
head where you spoke louder than the
head where you spoke louder than the roars of anything else and this is what
roars of anything else and this is what
roars of anything else and this is what I do my whole social media is based on
I do my whole social media is based on
I do my whole social media is based on celebrating my own body and those of
celebrating my own body and those of
celebrating my own body and those of others around me women who most of the
others around me women who most of the
others around me women who most of the time aren’t used to seeing somebody that
time aren’t used to seeing somebody that
time aren’t used to seeing somebody that looks like them being raised on a
looks like them being raised on a
looks like them being raised on a pedestal
pedestal
pedestal I tell them raise yourselves – and I
I tell them raise yourselves – and I
I tell them raise yourselves – and I invite you to do it – go home tonight
invite you to do it – go home tonight
invite you to do it – go home tonight look at yourself in the mirror drinking
look at yourself in the mirror drinking
look at yourself in the mirror drinking all of your brilliance that special part
all of your brilliance that special part
all of your brilliance that special part of you that makes you you your smile
of you that makes you you your smile
of you that makes you you your smile you’re one crooked tooth how your hair
you’re one crooked tooth how your hair
you’re one crooked tooth how your hair quite won’t stay down all the time all
quite won’t stay down all the time all
quite won’t stay down all the time all of it take a picture of yourself if you
of it take a picture of yourself if you
of it take a picture of yourself if you don’t feel like posting online that’s
don’t feel like posting online that’s
don’t feel like posting online that’s fine make it the wallpaper on your phone
fine make it the wallpaper on your phone
fine make it the wallpaper on your phone email it to yourself print it out hang
email it to yourself print it out hang
email it to yourself print it out hang it on your wall remember that no one can
it on your wall remember that no one can
it on your wall remember that no one can ever take away the things you tell
ever take away the things you tell
ever take away the things you tell yourself for nobody else is listening it
yourself for nobody else is listening it
yourself for nobody else is listening it is a truth that is always the truth even
is a truth that is always the truth even
is a truth that is always the truth even when the world tries to tell you that
when the world tries to tell you that
when the world tries to tell you that being fat and beautiful ain’t something
being fat and beautiful ain’t something
being fat and beautiful ain’t something you already do every day thank
you already do every day thank
you already do every day thank you
you
you [Applause]
”
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