uncle Chris is she your girlfriend that question changed my life a few
that question changed my life a few
that question changed my life a few years ago I wasn’t able to make it home
years ago I wasn’t able to make it home
years ago I wasn’t able to make it home for Christmas so when I was in town
for Christmas so when I was in town
for Christmas so when I was in town visiting a few months later my mom had
visiting a few months later my mom had
visiting a few months later my mom had all my relatives over including my
all my relatives over including my
all my relatives over including my childhood best friend Alyssa we’re all
childhood best friend Alyssa we’re all
childhood best friend Alyssa we’re all in the dining room catching up when my
in the dining room catching up when my
in the dining room catching up when my six-year-old nephew Aaron runs up to me
six-year-old nephew Aaron runs up to me
six-year-old nephew Aaron runs up to me and whispers uncle Chris is she your
and whispers uncle Chris is she your
and whispers uncle Chris is she your girlfriend
girlfriend
girlfriend now his version of whispering is talking
now his version of whispering is talking
now his version of whispering is talking out loud so everyone heard and we all
out loud so everyone heard and we all
out loud so everyone heard and we all started laughing but it was one of those
started laughing but it was one of those
started laughing but it was one of those uncomfortable laughs because everyone
uncomfortable laughs because everyone
uncomfortable laughs because everyone knew Alyssa wasn’t my girlfriend I
knew Alyssa wasn’t my girlfriend I
knew Alyssa wasn’t my girlfriend I remember turning bright red my palms
remember turning bright red my palms
remember turning bright red my palms getting sweaty and feeling this pit in
getting sweaty and feeling this pit in
getting sweaty and feeling this pit in my stomach
my stomach
my stomach I was surprised by Aaron’s question and
I was surprised by Aaron’s question and
I was surprised by Aaron’s question and remember looking around for reassurance
remember looking around for reassurance
remember looking around for reassurance in the faces of my family I was even
in the faces of my family I was even
in the faces of my family I was even more surprised by how easily everyone
more surprised by how easily everyone
more surprised by how easily everyone was able to dismiss his question and go
was able to dismiss his question and go
was able to dismiss his question and go back to what they were doing you know
back to what they were doing you know
back to what they were doing you know how kids are sometimes they have a
how kids are sometimes they have a
how kids are sometimes they have a thought and they’ll ask a question not
thought and they’ll ask a question not
thought and they’ll ask a question not necessarily consciously wanting an
necessarily consciously wanting an
necessarily consciously wanting an answer they still learn though
answer they still learn though
answer they still learn though regardless of what we choose to say or
regardless of what we choose to say or
regardless of what we choose to say or not say after everyone left my mom’s
not say after everyone left my mom’s
not say after everyone left my mom’s that night I started to wonder why my
that night I started to wonder why my
that night I started to wonder why my nephew Aaron had asked if Alyssa was my
nephew Aaron had asked if Alyssa was my
nephew Aaron had asked if Alyssa was my girlfriend I realized oh he doesn’t know
girlfriend I realized oh he doesn’t know
girlfriend I realized oh he doesn’t know I’m gay wait I’ve been out his entire
I’m gay wait I’ve been out his entire
I’m gay wait I’ve been out his entire life so why doesn’t he know oh his mom
life so why doesn’t he know oh his mom
life so why doesn’t he know oh his mom my sister hasn’t talked to him she must
my sister hasn’t talked to him she must
my sister hasn’t talked to him she must believe something’s wrong with being gay
believe something’s wrong with being gay
believe something’s wrong with being gay I thought if my sister son was in the
I thought if my sister son was in the
I thought if my sister son was in the dark well what about the other kids I
dark well what about the other kids I
dark well what about the other kids I know I begin asking around and most of
know I begin asking around and most of
know I begin asking around and most of the parents I spoke with didn’t feel
the parents I spoke with didn’t feel
the parents I spoke with didn’t feel like their child was old enough to
like their child was old enough to
like their child was old enough to understand they seemed uncomfortable
understand they seemed uncomfortable
understand they seemed uncomfortable addressing the conversation which was
addressing the conversation which was
addressing the conversation which was interesting to me because I remember
interesting to me because I remember
interesting to me because I remember knowing I was gay even as a young child
knowing I was gay even as a young child
knowing I was gay even as a young child in fact I was the same age as my nephew
in fact I was the same age as my nephew
in fact I was the same age as my nephew Aaron I was six when I first recalled
Aaron I was six when I first recalled
Aaron I was six when I first recalled knowing that I was gay
knowing that I was gay
knowing that I was gay if he’s old enough to know what a
if he’s old enough to know what a
if he’s old enough to know what a girlfriend is he’s able to understand
girlfriend is he’s able to understand
girlfriend is he’s able to understand why ELISA wouldn’t be mine remember when
why ELISA wouldn’t be mine remember when
why ELISA wouldn’t be mine remember when you’re a child and your parents try to
you’re a child and your parents try to
you’re a child and your parents try to keep something from you hidden usually
keep something from you hidden usually
keep something from you hidden usually you already knew what they’re trying to
you already knew what they’re trying to
you already knew what they’re trying to hide if you didn’t know you’d eventually
hide if you didn’t know you’d eventually
hide if you didn’t know you’d eventually find out and then believe that whatever
find out and then believe that whatever
find out and then believe that whatever it was must be bad because why else
it was must be bad because why else
it was must be bad because why else wouldn’t they want you to know most of
wouldn’t they want you to know most of
wouldn’t they want you to know most of what we learn isn’t from what we think
what we learn isn’t from what we think
what we learn isn’t from what we think according to Harvard University’s Center
according to Harvard University’s Center
according to Harvard University’s Center on the developing child children are
on the developing child children are
on the developing child children are born with the capacity to focus
born with the capacity to focus
born with the capacity to focus attention and retain information and
attention and retain information and
attention and retain information and memory but their experiences lay a
memory but their experiences lay a
memory but their experiences lay a foundation for how well these and other
foundation for how well these and other
foundation for how well these and other executive function skills develop in
executive function skills develop in
executive function skills develop in other words learning is more than
other words learning is more than
other words learning is more than thinking it’s from what we feel sense
thinking it’s from what we feel sense
thinking it’s from what we feel sense and experience in our environments
and experience in our environments
and experience in our environments including what we learn to believe from
including what we learn to believe from
including what we learn to believe from the things we aren’t told Studies on
the things we aren’t told Studies on
the things we aren’t told Studies on kids health run by the Nemours
kids health run by the Nemours
kids health run by the Nemours foundation one of the largest nonprofit
foundation one of the largest nonprofit
foundation one of the largest nonprofit organizations devoted to children’s
organizations devoted to children’s
organizations devoted to children’s health show that by age 2 or 3 children
health show that by age 2 or 3 children
health show that by age 2 or 3 children start to develop a sense of being male
start to develop a sense of being male
start to develop a sense of being male or female otherwise known as gender
or female otherwise known as gender
or female otherwise known as gender identity by age three to five most kids
identity by age three to five most kids
identity by age three to five most kids have a strong sense of being a boy or a
have a strong sense of being a boy or a
have a strong sense of being a boy or a girl three to five is also the age that
girl three to five is also the age that
girl three to five is also the age that children will learn important sexual
children will learn important sexual
children will learn important sexual attitudes from their parents around six
attitudes from their parents around six
attitudes from their parents around six to ten kids are interested in things
to ten kids are interested in things
to ten kids are interested in things like pregnancy and gender roles and
like pregnancy and gender roles and
like pregnancy and gender roles and you’ll hear questions like where do
you’ll hear questions like where do
you’ll hear questions like where do babies come from or is shir girlfriend
babies come from or is shir girlfriend
babies come from or is shir girlfriend this is also the age where their outside
this is also the age where their outside
this is also the age where their outside world begins to influence their sexual
world begins to influence their sexual
world begins to influence their sexual attitudes what I call messages from the
attitudes what I call messages from the
attitudes what I call messages from the playground messages from the playground
playground messages from the playground
playground messages from the playground are the subconscious beliefs we all pick
are the subconscious beliefs we all pick
are the subconscious beliefs we all pick up from our childhood we all have them
up from our childhood we all have them
up from our childhood we all have them we all play on the same playground as
we all play on the same playground as
we all play on the same playground as the way I see it no matter who you are
the way I see it no matter who you are
the way I see it no matter who you are or where you come from there are certain
or where you come from there are certain
or where you come from there are certain collective societal messages we
collective societal messages we
collective societal messages we subconsciously learn growing up they
subconsciously learn growing up they
subconsciously learn growing up they formulate our beliefs and it’s our
formulate our beliefs and it’s our
formulate our beliefs and it’s our beliefs that controlled
beliefs that controlled
beliefs that controlled we operate our lives I live right next
we operate our lives I live right next
we operate our lives I live right next door to a preschool and one day last
door to a preschool and one day last
door to a preschool and one day last year I was getting ready to leave my
year I was getting ready to leave my
year I was getting ready to leave my house I used to have long hair and was
house I used to have long hair and was
house I used to have long hair and was going through the man-bun phase don’t
going through the man-bun phase don’t
going through the man-bun phase don’t judge and I was walking to my car when a
judge and I was walking to my car when a
judge and I was walking to my car when a little girl from the preschool ran up to
little girl from the preschool ran up to
little girl from the preschool ran up to the fence and yelled hi I said hi how
the fence and yelled hi I said hi how
the fence and yelled hi I said hi how are you she said my name is Vanessa I go
are you she said my name is Vanessa I go
are you she said my name is Vanessa I go nice to meet you banessa my name is
nice to meet you banessa my name is
nice to meet you banessa my name is Chris she then asked me are you a boy
Chris she then asked me are you a boy
Chris she then asked me are you a boy I said why yes I am then her friends
I said why yes I am then her friends
I said why yes I am then her friends came over and they continued playing on
came over and they continued playing on
came over and they continued playing on the playground this sweet and innocent
the playground this sweet and innocent
the playground this sweet and innocent question reflects what her five or
question reflects what her five or
question reflects what her five or six-year-old mind is absorbing right now
six-year-old mind is absorbing right now
six-year-old mind is absorbing right now about what it means to be a man and a
about what it means to be a man and a
about what it means to be a man and a woman she saw what appeared to be the
woman she saw what appeared to be the
woman she saw what appeared to be the body of a man but with long hair in a
body of a man but with long hair in a
body of a man but with long hair in a bun so similar to my nephew Erin she
bun so similar to my nephew Erin she
bun so similar to my nephew Erin she asked a question based off what she’s
asked a question based off what she’s
asked a question based off what she’s already learned now I could almost
already learned now I could almost
already learned now I could almost guarantee that her parents never sat her
guarantee that her parents never sat her
guarantee that her parents never sat her down and said Vanessa boys have short
down and said Vanessa boys have short
down and said Vanessa boys have short hair and girls have long hair
hair and girls have long hair
hair and girls have long hair it’s just something she’s picking up
it’s just something she’s picking up
it’s just something she’s picking up from her surroundings the subconscious
from her surroundings the subconscious
from her surroundings the subconscious believes she’s developing in her
believes she’s developing in her
believes she’s developing in her childhood about gender and sexuality I
childhood about gender and sexuality I
childhood about gender and sexuality I wondered how many parents do I know have
wondered how many parents do I know have
wondered how many parents do I know have considered the possibility that their
considered the possibility that their
considered the possibility that their child is LGBTQ and if so when and how do
child is LGBTQ and if so when and how do
child is LGBTQ and if so when and how do they approach it I’m not saying they’re
they approach it I’m not saying they’re
they approach it I’m not saying they’re homophobic I’m addressing the fact we
homophobic I’m addressing the fact we
homophobic I’m addressing the fact we live in a heteronormative society your
live in a heteronormative society your
live in a heteronormative society your assumes straight upon birth which
assumes straight upon birth which
assumes straight upon birth which creates the closet experience the
creates the closet experience the
creates the closet experience the merriam-webster dictionary definition of
merriam-webster dictionary definition of
merriam-webster dictionary definition of the term benign neglect is an attitude
the term benign neglect is an attitude
the term benign neglect is an attitude or policy of ignoring an often delicate
or policy of ignoring an often delicate
or policy of ignoring an often delicate or undesirable situation that one is
or undesirable situation that one is
or undesirable situation that one is held to be responsible for dealing with
held to be responsible for dealing with
held to be responsible for dealing with benign neglect was a policy proposed in
benign neglect was a policy proposed in
benign neglect was a policy proposed in 1969 by Daniel Patrick Moynihan
1969 by Daniel Patrick Moynihan
1969 by Daniel Patrick Moynihan President Nixon’s urban affairs advisor
President Nixon’s urban affairs advisor
President Nixon’s urban affairs advisor during that time
during that time
during that time Moynihan had sent the
Moynihan had sent the
Moynihan had sent the president a controversial memo stating
president a controversial memo stating
president a controversial memo stating the time may have come when the issue of
the time may have come when the issue of
the time may have come when the issue of race could benefit from a period of
race could benefit from a period of
race could benefit from a period of benign neglect it’s been suggested that
benign neglect it’s been suggested that
benign neglect it’s been suggested that benign neglect and racism in the u.s.
benign neglect and racism in the u.s.
benign neglect and racism in the u.s. are directly correlated to events like
are directly correlated to events like
are directly correlated to events like the death of Trayvon Martin and Michael
the death of Trayvon Martin and Michael
the death of Trayvon Martin and Michael Brown in Ferguson Missouri just because
Brown in Ferguson Missouri just because
Brown in Ferguson Missouri just because something is benign does it mean it’s
something is benign does it mean it’s
something is benign does it mean it’s not harmful not communicating something
not harmful not communicating something
not harmful not communicating something communicate something one of the biggest
communicate something one of the biggest
communicate something one of the biggest reasons I hear from parents why they
reasons I hear from parents why they
reasons I hear from parents why they don’t discuss gender and sexuality with
don’t discuss gender and sexuality with
don’t discuss gender and sexuality with their children is they’re too young to
their children is they’re too young to
their children is they’re too young to understand kids will learn anything we
understand kids will learn anything we
understand kids will learn anything we teach them including what we don’t they
teach them including what we don’t they
teach them including what we don’t they can learn acceptance just as easily as
can learn acceptance just as easily as
can learn acceptance just as easily as intolerance a letter addressed to the
intolerance a letter addressed to the
intolerance a letter addressed to the parents of infants and toddlers on kids
parents of infants and toddlers on kids
parents of infants and toddlers on kids health says sexual development begins in
health says sexual development begins in
health says sexual development begins in a child’s very first years infants
a child’s very first years infants
a child’s very first years infants toddlers preschoolers
toddlers preschoolers
toddlers preschoolers and young school-aged kids develop an
and young school-aged kids develop an
and young school-aged kids develop an emotional and physical foundation for
emotional and physical foundation for
emotional and physical foundation for sexuality in many subtle ways as they
sexuality in many subtle ways as they
sexuality in many subtle ways as they grow my sister not having a conversation
grow my sister not having a conversation
grow my sister not having a conversation with her kids about her gay brother
with her kids about her gay brother
with her kids about her gay brother communicate something it communicates
communicate something it communicates
communicate something it communicates being uncomfortable with the
being uncomfortable with the
being uncomfortable with the conversation which implies that it’s
conversation which implies that it’s
conversation which implies that it’s different
different
different further perpetuating guilt shame and the
further perpetuating guilt shame and the
further perpetuating guilt shame and the closet experience as a gay child this is
closet experience as a gay child this is
closet experience as a gay child this is what I picked up for my surroundings
what I picked up for my surroundings
what I picked up for my surroundings what wasn’t being talked about the
what wasn’t being talked about the
what wasn’t being talked about the benign neglect which formulated my
benign neglect which formulated my
benign neglect which formulated my messages from the playground the
messages from the playground the
messages from the playground the subconscious beliefs I had about what it
subconscious beliefs I had about what it
subconscious beliefs I had about what it meant to be gay the internalized
meant to be gay the internalized
meant to be gay the internalized homophobia I developed in my childhood
internalized homophobia is something all
internalized homophobia is something all gay people have to some degree and it’s
gay people have to some degree and it’s
gay people have to some degree and it’s important to acknowledge because it
important to acknowledge because it
important to acknowledge because it sheds light on something
sheds light on something
sheds light on something has to do a shame if any of us Garrett
has to do a shame if any of us Garrett
has to do a shame if any of us Garrett has guilt or shame we may subconsciously
has guilt or shame we may subconsciously
has guilt or shame we may subconsciously seek punishment that could look like
seek punishment that could look like
seek punishment that could look like many things but includes unhappiness
many things but includes unhappiness
many things but includes unhappiness unhealthy relationships substance abuse
unhealthy relationships substance abuse
unhealthy relationships substance abuse and other self-deprecating behavior dr.
and other self-deprecating behavior dr.
and other self-deprecating behavior dr. Byrne a brown a shame and vulnerability
Byrne a brown a shame and vulnerability
Byrne a brown a shame and vulnerability researcher shows that kids start
researcher shows that kids start
researcher shows that kids start shutting parts of themselves down around
shutting parts of themselves down around
shutting parts of themselves down around middle school she actually refers to
middle school she actually refers to
middle school she actually refers to fourth and fifth grade as the creativity
fourth and fifth grade as the creativity
fourth and fifth grade as the creativity slump because that’s the age kids begin
slump because that’s the age kids begin
slump because that’s the age kids begin to compare themselves to each other her
to compare themselves to each other her
to compare themselves to each other her studies show that shame prone children
studies show that shame prone children
studies show that shame prone children are more likely to commit suicide drop
are more likely to commit suicide drop
are more likely to commit suicide drop out of school engage in high-risk sexual
out of school engage in high-risk sexual
out of school engage in high-risk sexual behavior and experience increased drug
behavior and experience increased drug
behavior and experience increased drug use shame is something most humans
use shame is something most humans
use shame is something most humans experience for the gay community the
experience for the gay community the
experience for the gay community the closet is a place most of us spend our
closet is a place most of us spend our
closet is a place most of us spend our developmental years in and is a hotbed
developmental years in and is a hotbed
developmental years in and is a hotbed for shame research shows that shame and
for shame research shows that shame and
for shame research shows that shame and addiction are so closely related they
addiction are so closely related they
addiction are so closely related they don’t know where one starts and the
don’t know where one starts and the
don’t know where one starts and the other begins
shame is also highly correlated with
shame is also highly correlated with suicide The Trevor Project is suicide
suicide The Trevor Project is suicide
suicide The Trevor Project is suicide prevention and crisis intervention
prevention and crisis intervention
prevention and crisis intervention organization shows that suicide is the
organization shows that suicide is the
organization shows that suicide is the second leading cause of death for people
second leading cause of death for people
second leading cause of death for people 10 to 24 years old lesbian gay and
10 to 24 years old lesbian gay and
10 to 24 years old lesbian gay and bisexual youth are four times more
bisexual youth are four times more
bisexual youth are four times more likely to attempt suicide than their
likely to attempt suicide than their
likely to attempt suicide than their straight peers and nearly half of
straight peers and nearly half of
straight peers and nearly half of transgender youth have seriously thought
transgender youth have seriously thought
transgender youth have seriously thought about taking their lives having open
about taking their lives having open
about taking their lives having open conversations with children at a young
conversations with children at a young
conversations with children at a young age doesn’t put them at risk
age doesn’t put them at risk
age doesn’t put them at risk instead it does the opposite it keeps
instead it does the opposite it keeps
instead it does the opposite it keeps them from risk you may or may not have a
them from risk you may or may not have a
them from risk you may or may not have a gay niece or nephew your family or
gay niece or nephew your family or
gay niece or nephew your family or friends may or may not have gay children
friends may or may not have gay children
friends may or may not have gay children but they might at the very least that
but they might at the very least that
but they might at the very least that children in our lives will jump rope or
children in our lives will jump rope or
children in our lives will jump rope or play tag with one
play tag with one
play tag with one playground the argument is no longer
playground the argument is no longer
playground the argument is no longer whether or not being LGBT is a choice
whether or not being LGBT is a choice
whether or not being LGBT is a choice the argument is around the choice
the argument is around the choice
the argument is around the choice whether or not to unconditionally
whether or not to unconditionally
whether or not to unconditionally support a child all kids of the future
support a child all kids of the future
support a child all kids of the future regardless of their treatment or our
regardless of their treatment or our
regardless of their treatment or our beliefs about them they are members of
beliefs about them they are members of
beliefs about them they are members of society they make decisions and will
society they make decisions and will
society they make decisions and will make decisions that affect our lives in
make decisions that affect our lives in
make decisions that affect our lives in ways we may never realize the reports
ways we may never realize the reports
ways we may never realize the reports I’ve shared by researchers to emphasize
I’ve shared by researchers to emphasize
I’ve shared by researchers to emphasize a point are actual people there the
a point are actual people there the
a point are actual people there the lives of children who are getting
lives of children who are getting
lives of children who are getting bullied or have to hide who they are for
bullied or have to hide who they are for
bullied or have to hide who they are for being gay lesbian or transgender the
being gay lesbian or transgender the
being gay lesbian or transgender the lives of kids we may see on the street
lives of kids we may see on the street
lives of kids we may see on the street interact with at the grocery store or
interact with at the grocery store or
interact with at the grocery store or talk to at a restaurant in our own
talk to at a restaurant in our own
talk to at a restaurant in our own neighborhood the lives of our friends
neighborhood the lives of our friends
neighborhood the lives of our friends family members there the lives of fellow
family members there the lives of fellow
family members there the lives of fellow human beings we have the potential to
human beings we have the potential to
human beings we have the potential to change a child’s life by being patient
change a child’s life by being patient
change a child’s life by being patient supportive and vulnerable all it
supportive and vulnerable all it
supportive and vulnerable all it requires is the space to have the
requires is the space to have the
requires is the space to have the conversations and a willingness to be
conversations and a willingness to be
conversations and a willingness to be open just the other day I was talking to
open just the other day I was talking to
open just the other day I was talking to a 7th grade class about gender and
a 7th grade class about gender and
a 7th grade class about gender and sexuality and a young boy asked me why
sexuality and a young boy asked me why
sexuality and a young boy asked me why do stereotypes exist and why do we have
do stereotypes exist and why do we have
do stereotypes exist and why do we have to have them I said that’s a really
to have them I said that’s a really
to have them I said that’s a really great question
great question
great question and you’re so smart to even ask I told
and you’re so smart to even ask I told
and you’re so smart to even ask I told them stereotypes exist if we don’t
them stereotypes exist if we don’t
them stereotypes exist if we don’t question why we believe something we do
question why we believe something we do
question why we believe something we do they also continue to exist if we don’t
they also continue to exist if we don’t
they also continue to exist if we don’t speak up to challenge them otherwise I
have an invitation for you join me today
have an invitation for you join me today by asking the kids in your life
by asking the kids in your life
by asking the kids in your life questions and answering theirs honestly
questions and answering theirs honestly
questions and answering theirs honestly have conversations don’t make
have conversations don’t make
have conversations don’t make assumptions validate and affirm them and
assumptions validate and affirm them and
assumptions validate and affirm them and continue being the parent uncle and
continue being the parent uncle and
continue being the parent uncle and brother
sister teacher and Ally you’re capable
sister teacher and Ally you’re capable of being consider that most of your
of being consider that most of your
of being consider that most of your beliefs aren’t your own ask yourself
beliefs aren’t your own ask yourself
beliefs aren’t your own ask yourself what messages you learn growing up that
what messages you learn growing up that
what messages you learn growing up that impact your life today and if the
impact your life today and if the
impact your life today and if the thought has ever crossed your mind of
thought has ever crossed your mind of
thought has ever crossed your mind of whether or not a child you know is LGBT
whether or not a child you know is LGBT
whether or not a child you know is LGBT talk about it not communicating is
talk about it not communicating is
talk about it not communicating is communicating by challenging our beliefs
communicating by challenging our beliefs
communicating by challenging our beliefs and talking about gender and sexuality
and talking about gender and sexuality
and talking about gender and sexuality with kids at a young age we affirm and
with kids at a young age we affirm and
with kids at a young age we affirm and normalize LGBT youth create allies and
normalize LGBT youth create allies and
normalize LGBT youth create allies and prevent homophobia and bullying
prevent homophobia and bullying
prevent homophobia and bullying before they begin this matters because
before they begin this matters because
before they begin this matters because right now the kids in your life are
right now the kids in your life are
right now the kids in your life are learning and most of it isn’t from what
learning and most of it isn’t from what
learning and most of it isn’t from what they think this is dedicated to my
they think this is dedicated to my
they think this is dedicated to my nephew Aaron and all kids asking
nephew Aaron and all kids asking
nephew Aaron and all kids asking questions challenging norms and helping
questions challenging norms and helping
questions challenging norms and helping create a more peaceful planet thank
you
you [Applause]
”
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