hidden inside of storytelling are some invisible ways to create connection how
invisible ways to create connection how
invisible ways to create connection how did I first experienced that 1970
did I first experienced that 1970
did I first experienced that 1970 November a rainy Tuesday I was sitting
November a rainy Tuesday I was sitting
November a rainy Tuesday I was sitting in my parked car trying to gather up
in my parked car trying to gather up
in my parked car trying to gather up enough courage to go into my job yet
enough courage to go into my job yet
enough courage to go into my job yet another day I was a first-year teacher
another day I was a first-year teacher
another day I was a first-year teacher of young teens with behavior problems
of young teens with behavior problems
of young teens with behavior problems and I had wanted to be the adult Ally
and I had wanted to be the adult Ally
and I had wanted to be the adult Ally that they always never had but all I saw
that they always never had but all I saw
that they always never had but all I saw from them was the crossed arms scowling
from them was the crossed arms scowling
from them was the crossed arms scowling faces I tried everything I could think
faces I tried everything I could think
faces I tried everything I could think of week after week by this day in
of week after week by this day in
of week after week by this day in November I’d given up I have even
November I’d given up I have even
November I’d given up I have even started coming in to work a little later
started coming in to work a little later
started coming in to work a little later every day and this day I was so late the
every day and this day I was so late the
every day and this day I was so late the teachers would already be in their
teachers would already be in their
teachers would already be in their classrooms the other teachers they
classrooms the other teachers they
classrooms the other teachers they wouldn’t even notice when I came in that
wouldn’t even notice when I came in that
wouldn’t even notice when I came in that did it I got out of the car running
did it I got out of the car running
did it I got out of the car running through the raindrops beating on my head
through the raindrops beating on my head
through the raindrops beating on my head I opened the big wooden door to the
I opened the big wooden door to the
I opened the big wooden door to the school and there were all five of the
school and there were all five of the
school and there were all five of the other teachers so much for stealth entry
other teachers so much for stealth entry
other teachers so much for stealth entry I said what Doug the assistant principal
I said what Doug the assistant principal
I said what Doug the assistant principal is out sick no you see the assistant
is out sick no you see the assistant
is out sick no you see the assistant principal was the one who on rainy days
principal was the one who on rainy days
principal was the one who on rainy days would cram all seventy teens into one
would cram all seventy teens into one
would cram all seventy teens into one room keep them busy until classes could
room keep them busy until classes could
room keep them busy until classes could start by telling them stories are they
start by telling them stories are they
start by telling them stories are they in there yes do something I I heard a
in there yes do something I I heard a
in there yes do something I I heard a recording of a folktale the other day
recording of a folktale the other day
recording of a folktale the other day maybe I could tell that yes they she
maybe I could tell that yes they she
maybe I could tell that yes they she shoved me in the room close the door
shoved me in the room close the door
shoved me in the room close the door behind me
behind me
behind me and there I was
and there I was
and there I was the only adult in a room was 70 angry
the only adult in a room was 70 angry
the only adult in a room was 70 angry teams I said I’m gonna tell you a story
teams I said I’m gonna tell you a story
teams I said I’m gonna tell you a story and they gave me a look like it better
and they gave me a look like it better
and they gave me a look like it better be a good one like the assistant
be a good one like the assistant
be a good one like the assistant principal tells could I even remember
principal tells could I even remember
principal tells could I even remember this story okay there were there were
this story okay there were there were
this story okay there were there were three basic episodes I could sort of
three basic episodes I could sort of
three basic episodes I could sort of remember the beginning they’re looking
remember the beginning they’re looking
remember the beginning they’re looking at me I’ve got to start Jack and his
at me I’ve got to start Jack and his
at me I’ve got to start Jack and his mother we’re having a hard time and Jack
mother we’re having a hard time and Jack
mother we’re having a hard time and Jack had to go out into the world alone to
had to go out into the world alone to
had to go out into the world alone to find his own fortune when I get that far
find his own fortune when I get that far
find his own fortune when I get that far I looked at them and they had shifted
I looked at them and they had shifted
I looked at them and they had shifted from this to this their arms had
from this to this their arms had
from this to this their arms had loosened just a little their eyes had
loosened just a little their eyes had
loosened just a little their eyes had rolled up just a little it was a tiny
rolled up just a little it was a tiny
rolled up just a little it was a tiny change but after two months of no change
change but after two months of no change
change but after two months of no change it was like the angels were singing
it was like the angels were singing
it was like the angels were singing Hallelujah I was encouraged so I kept
Hallelujah I was encouraged so I kept
Hallelujah I was encouraged so I kept telling this story and as I told it I
telling this story and as I told it I
telling this story and as I told it I realized in this story the teens were on
realized in this story the teens were on
realized in this story the teens were on Jack’s side I was on Jack’s side in the
Jack’s side I was on Jack’s side in the
Jack’s side I was on Jack’s side in the story we were on the same side when the
story we were on the same side when the
story we were on the same side when the story was over they tightened up again
story was over they tightened up again
story was over they tightened up again but it was too late
but it was too late
but it was too late I’d already glimpsed what it could be
I’d already glimpsed what it could be
I’d already glimpsed what it could be like to be connected to them so I went
like to be connected to them so I went
like to be connected to them so I went back to trying to be on their side three
back to trying to be on their side three
back to trying to be on their side three months later a day in February I looked
months later a day in February I looked
months later a day in February I looked around my little classroom and there
around my little classroom and there
around my little classroom and there they were working happily together in
they were working happily together in
they were working happily together in teams of two and three and I thought
teams of two and three and I thought
teams of two and three and I thought they did it and now all these decades
they did it and now all these decades
they did it and now all these decades later I think back to that rainy Tuesday
later I think back to that rainy Tuesday
later I think back to that rainy Tuesday in November
in November
in November and I think the story did it it
and I think the story did it it
and I think the story did it it certainly changed my life I mean it it
certainly changed my life I mean it it
certainly changed my life I mean it it exposed me to this force that was so
exposed me to this force that was so
exposed me to this force that was so compelled to master it to understand it
compelled to master it to understand it
compelled to master it to understand it to teach it so what had I done on that
to teach it so what had I done on that
to teach it so what had I done on that rainy Tuesday looking back I believe
rainy Tuesday looking back I believe
rainy Tuesday looking back I believe that unknowingly I used three strategies
that unknowingly I used three strategies
that unknowingly I used three strategies for creating connection that are built
for creating connection that are built
for creating connection that are built into the very process of storytelling
into the very process of storytelling
into the very process of storytelling and to explain the first strategy I need
and to explain the first strategy I need
and to explain the first strategy I need to ask you a question you remember the
to ask you a question you remember the
to ask you a question you remember the teens in the room well in your mind how
teens in the room well in your mind how
teens in the room well in your mind how were they arranged raise your hand if in
were they arranged raise your hand if in
were they arranged raise your hand if in your mind they were seated at desks
raise your hand if in your mind they
raise your hand if in your mind they were sitting standing randomly around
were sitting standing randomly around
were sitting standing randomly around the room raise your hand if you have any
the room raise your hand if you have any
the room raise your hand if you have any image in your mind of how they were
image in your mind of how they were
image in your mind of how they were arranged whether you raise your hand
arranged whether you raise your hand
arranged whether you raise your hand before or not you might not have had
before or not you might not have had
before or not you might not have had visual images you might have imagined
visual images you might have imagined
visual images you might have imagined sounds auditory images or feelings in
sounds auditory images or feelings in
sounds auditory images or feelings in your gut
your gut
your gut kinesthetic images but the key thing to
kinesthetic images but the key thing to
kinesthetic images but the key thing to notice is I didn’t say a word about how
notice is I didn’t say a word about how
notice is I didn’t say a word about how they were arranged in the room I told
they were arranged in the room I told
they were arranged in the room I told you that there were 70 of them and they
you that there were 70 of them and they
you that there were 70 of them and they were crammed in and I showed you how
were crammed in and I showed you how
were crammed in and I showed you how they looked but every single thing that
they looked but every single thing that
they looked but every single thing that you and any one of you imagined in
you and any one of you imagined in
you and any one of you imagined in addition to those things it’s something
addition to those things it’s something
addition to those things it’s something that you created purely in your own mind
that you created purely in your own mind
that you created purely in your own mind in other words each of you was a
in other words each of you was a
in other words each of you was a co-creator of the story that you
co-creator of the story that you
co-creator of the story that you imagined
well it turns out that people are more
well it turns out that people are more likely to connect with you if you don’t
likely to connect with you if you don’t
likely to connect with you if you don’t treat them as passive recipients but as
treat them as passive recipients but as
treat them as passive recipients but as active participants as co-creators and
active participants as co-creators and
active participants as co-creators and that’s the first strategy for creating
that’s the first strategy for creating
that’s the first strategy for creating connection that’s built in to the very
connection that’s built in to the very
connection that’s built in to the very process of storytelling how do you do
process of storytelling how do you do
process of storytelling how do you do that how do you treat someone as a
that how do you treat someone as a
that how do you treat someone as a co-creator well for starters you focus
co-creator well for starters you focus
co-creator well for starters you focus less on saying the right thing and you
less on saying the right thing and you
less on saying the right thing and you focus more on stimulating your listeners
focus more on stimulating your listeners
focus more on stimulating your listeners to imagine what’s the second strategy
to imagine what’s the second strategy
to imagine what’s the second strategy well we know from research that if you
well we know from research that if you
well we know from research that if you engage people in what I call concept
engage people in what I call concept
engage people in what I call concept mode or idea mode calculating evaluating
mode or idea mode calculating evaluating
mode or idea mode calculating evaluating following logic then those people are
following logic then those people are
following logic then those people are more likely to be focused but less
more likely to be focused but less
more likely to be focused but less likely to be open or to be generous but
likely to be open or to be generous but
likely to be open or to be generous but if you engage those same people in image
if you engage those same people in image
if you engage those same people in image mode imagining associating they’re more
mode imagining associating they’re more
mode imagining associating they’re more likely to be open to be generous and to
likely to be open to be generous and to
likely to be open to be generous and to respond with empathy so when I told that
respond with empathy so when I told that
respond with empathy so when I told that story to the teens it put them into
story to the teens it put them into
story to the teens it put them into image mode and that made it easier for
image mode and that made it easier for
image mode and that made it easier for them to care about Jack and to be open
them to care about Jack and to be open
them to care about Jack and to be open enough to me to engage in my story so if
enough to me to engage in my story so if
enough to me to engage in my story so if this second strategy is to engage people
this second strategy is to engage people
this second strategy is to engage people on image mode how is that different from
on image mode how is that different from
on image mode how is that different from the first strategy co-creation suppose I
the first strategy co-creation suppose I
the first strategy co-creation suppose I asked you to solve a math problem well
asked you to solve a math problem well
asked you to solve a math problem well you’ll be in concept mode and you won’t
you’ll be in concept mode and you won’t
you’ll be in concept mode and you won’t be creating but if I help you create
be creating but if I help you create
be creating but if I help you create your own math
your own math
your own math problem you’ll still be in concept mode
problem you’ll still be in concept mode
problem you’ll still be in concept mode but you will also be in co-creation mode
but you will also be in co-creation mode
but you will also be in co-creation mode if I ask you to make an exact drawing
if I ask you to make an exact drawing
if I ask you to make an exact drawing copying my drawing you’ll be in image
copying my drawing you’ll be in image
copying my drawing you’ll be in image mode and you won’t be creating but
mode and you won’t be creating but
mode and you won’t be creating but storytelling has the amazing ability to
storytelling has the amazing ability to
storytelling has the amazing ability to combine the image mode strategy with the
combine the image mode strategy with the
combine the image mode strategy with the co-creation strategy by helping your
co-creation strategy by helping your
co-creation strategy by helping your listeners create their own images so how
listeners create their own images so how
listeners create their own images so how do you do that how do you engage people
do you do that how do you engage people
do you do that how do you engage people in image mode one important way is to be
in image mode one important way is to be
in image mode one important way is to be an image mode yourself so that means
an image mode yourself so that means
an image mode yourself so that means imagining experiencing every moment of
imagining experiencing every moment of
imagining experiencing every moment of your story in your eyes or your ears or
your story in your eyes or your ears or
your story in your eyes or your ears or your gut or your skin in your whole body
so for the third strategy I need to
so for the third strategy I need to bring you back to those teens remember I
bring you back to those teens remember I
bring you back to those teens remember I started the story and they loosened up a
started the story and they loosened up a
started the story and they loosened up a little bit let’s break that down I said
little bit let’s break that down I said
little bit let’s break that down I said some words Jack and his mother and all
some words Jack and his mother and all
some words Jack and his mother and all that and in response to that they
that and in response to that they
that and in response to that they loosened up a little bit and then in
loosened up a little bit and then in
loosened up a little bit and then in response to their loosening I got
response to their loosening I got
response to their loosening I got encouraged and then in response to my
encouraged and then in response to my
encouraged and then in response to my encouragement they got more engaged in
encouragement they got more engaged in
encouragement they got more engaged in the story and so we had begun a cycle of
the story and so we had begun a cycle of
the story and so we had begun a cycle of responding to each other’s responses and
responding to each other’s responses and
responding to each other’s responses and every time that cycle went around it
every time that cycle went around it
every time that cycle went around it knit us a little more tightly together
knit us a little more tightly together
knit us a little more tightly together the best word I have to describe that
the best word I have to describe that
the best word I have to describe that cycle is rapport I mean literally
cycle is rapport I mean literally
cycle is rapport I mean literally rapport is a feeling of mutual
rapport is a feeling of mutual
rapport is a feeling of mutual understanding that I believe can be
understanding that I believe can be
understanding that I believe can be increased and even induced by this kind
increased and even induced by this kind
increased and even induced by this kind of mutual responsiveness it’s worth
of mutual responsiveness it’s worth
of mutual responsiveness it’s worth noticing
noticing
noticing that you can practice imagining by
that you can practice imagining by
that you can practice imagining by yourself but you can’t practice building
yourself but you can’t practice building
yourself but you can’t practice building rapport by yourself so how do you
rapport by yourself so how do you
rapport by yourself so how do you practice it suppose you’re at dinner
practice it suppose you’re at dinner
practice it suppose you’re at dinner with a bunch of your friends and one of
with a bunch of your friends and one of
with a bunch of your friends and one of them says to you hey how was that – a
them says to you hey how was that – a
them says to you hey how was that – a vacation of yours here’s what you do not
vacation of yours here’s what you do not
vacation of yours here’s what you do not say you don’t say oh excuse me only a
say you don’t say oh excuse me only a
say you don’t say oh excuse me only a few minutes I have to write it all down
few minutes I have to write it all down
few minutes I have to write it all down and then memorize it no nobody says hey
and then memorize it no nobody says hey
and then memorize it no nobody says hey what do you do will you pull up your
what do you do will you pull up your
what do you do will you pull up your memories of the vacation you remember
memories of the vacation you remember
memories of the vacation you remember you re embody them and then you start to
you re embody them and then you start to
you re embody them and then you start to talk and maybe you say oh so we went to
talk and maybe you say oh so we went to
talk and maybe you say oh so we went to Baja and then maybe consciously maybe
Baja and then maybe consciously maybe
Baja and then maybe consciously maybe unconsciously you notice that one of
unconsciously you notice that one of
unconsciously you notice that one of your friends has a puzzled look that’s
your friends has a puzzled look that’s
your friends has a puzzled look that’s not the response you want so you try to
not the response you want so you try to
not the response you want so you try to fix it
fix it
fix it oh the Baja Peninsula is part of Mexico
oh the Baja Peninsula is part of Mexico
oh the Baja Peninsula is part of Mexico and if your friend smiles now then
and if your friend smiles now then
and if your friend smiles now then you’ve done two things first you’ve
you’ve done two things first you’ve
you’ve done two things first you’ve gotten the response to you wand and
gotten the response to you wand and
gotten the response to you wand and second if you tell that same story again
second if you tell that same story again
second if you tell that same story again later you’ll likely include that same
later you’ll likely include that same
later you’ll likely include that same things in the first place
things in the first place
things in the first place so that if you keep telling a story to
so that if you keep telling a story to
so that if you keep telling a story to people eventually every part of that
people eventually every part of that
people eventually every part of that story is something that has worked so
story is something that has worked so
story is something that has worked so the whole story becomes a sequence of
the whole story becomes a sequence of
the whole story becomes a sequence of successful interactions and in the
successful interactions and in the
successful interactions and in the process you’ve been practicing
process you’ve been practicing
process you’ve been practicing getting the response you want we have
getting the response you want we have
getting the response you want we have also been practicing mending any breaks
also been practicing mending any breaks
also been practicing mending any breaks in the cycle of rapport something else
in the cycle of rapport something else
in the cycle of rapport something else about report to get deep rapport you
about report to get deep rapport you
about report to get deep rapport you need to be open if you try to hide
need to be open if you try to hide
need to be open if you try to hide something important maybe an emotion
something important maybe an emotion
something important maybe an emotion you’re having your listeners are likely
you’re having your listeners are likely
you’re having your listeners are likely consciously or not to sense that to stop
consciously or not to sense that to stop
consciously or not to sense that to stop responding to you quite so readily
responding to you quite so readily
responding to you quite so readily to unsent with you so the price you pay
to unsent with you so the price you pay
to unsent with you so the price you pay for deep rapport is always some degree
for deep rapport is always some degree
for deep rapport is always some degree of vulnerability and what you get in
of vulnerability and what you get in
of vulnerability and what you get in exchange for that trusting of your
exchange for that trusting of your
exchange for that trusting of your listeners is some of what we most deeply
listeners is some of what we most deeply
listeners is some of what we most deeply desire from each other meaningful
desire from each other meaningful
desire from each other meaningful connection so the third strategy for
connection so the third strategy for
connection so the third strategy for building connection is building rapport
building connection is building rapport
building connection is building rapport and I’ve already told you some ways that
and I’ve already told you some ways that
and I’ve already told you some ways that you can do that first you can respond to
you can do that first you can respond to
you can do that first you can respond to your listeners responses that makes you
your listeners responses that makes you
your listeners responses that makes you kind of like a bicycle rider continually
kind of like a bicycle rider continually
kind of like a bicycle rider continually adjusting your steering in order to stay
adjusting your steering in order to stay
adjusting your steering in order to stay on course and you can shape a story
on course and you can shape a story
on course and you can shape a story build a story by letting your listeners
build a story by letting your listeners
build a story by letting your listeners responses help shape it and to do that
responses help shape it and to do that
responses help shape it and to do that you may need helping listeners people
you may need helping listeners people
you may need helping listeners people who agree to listen to a story in
who agree to listen to a story in
who agree to listen to a story in progress as a favor to you and you can
progress as a favor to you and you can
progress as a favor to you and you can be open open to yourself open to your
be open open to yourself open to your
be open open to yourself open to your listeners open to whatever feelings the
listeners open to whatever feelings the
listeners open to whatever feelings the story brings up in you all those decades
story brings up in you all those decades
story brings up in you all those decades ago on that rainy Tuesday I had no idea
ago on that rainy Tuesday I had no idea
ago on that rainy Tuesday I had no idea I was treating those teams like
I was treating those teams like
I was treating those teams like co-creators I had no idea I was engaging
co-creators I had no idea I was engaging
co-creators I had no idea I was engaging them in image mode to make them more
them in image mode to make them more
them in image mode to make them more open I had no idea I was helping to
open I had no idea I was helping to
open I had no idea I was helping to build a cycle of rapport and I certainly
build a cycle of rapport and I certainly
build a cycle of rapport and I certainly had no idea that I was engaging in him
had no idea that I was engaging in him
had no idea that I was engaging in him in a mode of communication storytelling
in a mode of communication storytelling
in a mode of communication storytelling that has all three of those connection
that has all three of those connection
that has all three of those connection building strategies built into it but I
building strategies built into it but I
building strategies built into it but I did notice the results
did notice the results
did notice the results I noticed those first drops of
I noticed those first drops of
I noticed those first drops of connection seeping through the cracks in
connection seeping through the cracks in
connection seeping through the cracks in the concrete walls of those teens
the concrete walls of those teens
the concrete walls of those teens resistance first they’re listening then
resistance first they’re listening then
resistance first they’re listening then their eyes forgetting for the moment to
their eyes forgetting for the moment to
their eyes forgetting for the moment to glare focused instead on their own
glare focused instead on their own
glare focused instead on their own images of leaving home and then months
images of leaving home and then months
images of leaving home and then months later working in teams with open
later working in teams with open
later working in teams with open postures all of his smiling and those
postures all of his smiling and those
postures all of his smiling and those drops of connection gave me the courage
drops of connection gave me the courage
drops of connection gave me the courage to keep at it for the additional months
to keep at it for the additional months
to keep at it for the additional months that it would take until we could swim
that it would take until we could swim
that it would take until we could swim together in flowing streams of
together in flowing streams of
together in flowing streams of connection
”
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