somebody named Joe hammock an art therapist currently working a private
therapist currently working a private
therapist currently working a private drug and alcohol facility here in
drug and alcohol facility here in
drug and alcohol facility here in Pennsylvania and I’m going to tell you
Pennsylvania and I’m going to tell you
Pennsylvania and I’m going to tell you the story of my journey from active
the story of my journey from active
the story of my journey from active addiction and isolation to recovery and
addiction and isolation to recovery and
addiction and isolation to recovery and connection I’ll say that when I was
connection I’ll say that when I was
connection I’ll say that when I was growing up I was a little bit
growing up I was a little bit
growing up I was a little bit mischievous I was a lover of all things
mischievous I was a lover of all things
mischievous I was a lover of all things art and though I didn’t have a name for
art and though I didn’t have a name for
art and though I didn’t have a name for it I was gay my dad was not he was
it I was gay my dad was not he was
it I was gay my dad was not he was cerebral he was well-read and a lover of
cerebral he was well-read and a lover of
cerebral he was well-read and a lover of baseball he later became a senator but
baseball he later became a senator but
baseball he later became a senator but he worked as an attorney and he was kind
he worked as an attorney and he was kind
he worked as an attorney and he was kind of eccentric and I loved it but later on
of eccentric and I loved it but later on
of eccentric and I loved it but later on he became the judge and I realized that
he became the judge and I realized that
he became the judge and I realized that he judged very well and when I was
he judged very well and when I was
he judged very well and when I was growing up I was small I was made fun of
growing up I was small I was made fun of
growing up I was small I was made fun of a lot I don’t think I hid the fact that
a lot I don’t think I hid the fact that
a lot I don’t think I hid the fact that I was gay very well and I got made fun
I was gay very well and I got made fun
I was gay very well and I got made fun of and so I started to using drugs and
of and so I started to using drugs and
of and so I started to using drugs and alcohol at age 13 and for me when I
alcohol at age 13 and for me when I
alcohol at age 13 and for me when I first started using it was that I could
first started using it was that I could
first started using it was that I could escape from the pain that I felt
to change the way I thought other people
to change the way I thought other people perceived me when I used I felt like I
perceived me when I used I felt like I
perceived me when I used I felt like I was funny earlier I felt like I
was funny earlier I felt like I
was funny earlier I felt like I connected with people in ways that I
connected with people in ways that I
connected with people in ways that I couldn’t if I didn’t use and for a long
couldn’t if I didn’t use and for a long
couldn’t if I didn’t use and for a long time it became a go-to it was a it was a
time it became a go-to it was a it was a
time it became a go-to it was a it was a major coping skill eventually it left me
major coping skill eventually it left me
major coping skill eventually it left me alone
alone
alone that left me isolated and it left me in
that left me isolated and it left me in
that left me isolated and it left me in a place that wouldn’t wish on anyone on
October the 24th 2004 my family
October the 24th 2004 my family intervened on me and it was like an
intervened on me and it was like an
intervened on me and it was like an explosion in the living room I was
explosion in the living room I was
explosion in the living room I was nervous and I kept telling myself
nervous and I kept telling myself
nervous and I kept telling myself they’re going to be fine they’re gonna
they’re going to be fine they’re gonna
they’re going to be fine they’re gonna be fine I remember looking around and
be fine I remember looking around and
be fine I remember looking around and thinking of all of the things that had
thinking of all of the things that had
thinking of all of the things that had lost I lost I lost an eight-year
lost I lost I lost an eight-year
lost I lost I lost an eight-year relationship I had lost a career in
relationship I had lost a career in
relationship I had lost a career in architecture I’d lost myself used in
architecture I’d lost myself used in
architecture I’d lost myself used in order to make myself feel normal
order to make myself feel normal
order to make myself feel normal and really all I felt was not and I
and really all I felt was not and I
and really all I felt was not and I remember in that intervention my dad
remember in that intervention my dad
remember in that intervention my dad saying you’re gonna have to leave today
saying you’re gonna have to leave today
saying you’re gonna have to leave today and it was really really scary
and it was really really scary
and it was really really scary I kept thinking back though I could hear
I kept thinking back though I could hear
I kept thinking back though I could hear his words and the words of the
his words and the words of the
his words and the words of the intervention to something that my dad
intervention to something that my dad
intervention to something that my dad set when I first came out at 17 he said
set when I first came out at 17 he said
set when I first came out at 17 he said if you choose this lifestyle of being
if you choose this lifestyle of being
if you choose this lifestyle of being gay you’re going to end up alone and
gay you’re going to end up alone and
gay you’re going to end up alone and you’re going to be hanging out with
you’re going to be hanging out with
you’re going to be hanging out with to addicts and alcoholics and I didn’t
to addicts and alcoholics and I didn’t
to addicts and alcoholics and I didn’t want that to be true I had fought so
want that to be true I had fought so
want that to be true I had fought so hard and most of my life to make that
hard and most of my life to make that
hard and most of my life to make that not true
not true
not true and there I was sitting in this
and there I was sitting in this
and there I was sitting in this intervention with my three sisters
intervention with my three sisters
intervention with my three sisters crying my moms crying those words
crying my moms crying those words
crying my moms crying those words typical running around in my head and
typical running around in my head and
typical running around in my head and the interventionist looked at me and she
the interventionist looked at me and she
the interventionist looked at me and she says do you have any stuff to hear and
says do you have any stuff to hear and
says do you have any stuff to hear and of course I said and then she said how
of course I said and then she said how
of course I said and then she said how are you feeling
are you feeling
are you feeling and I said I’m feeling fine feeling fine
and I said I’m feeling fine feeling fine
and I said I’m feeling fine feeling fine and she said why don’t you go to the
and she said why don’t you go to the
and she said why don’t you go to the bathroom and do what you do best and
bathroom and do what you do best and
bathroom and do what you do best and that was the last time I got time I went
that was the last time I got time I went
that was the last time I got time I went to rehab and was in rehab
to rehab and was in rehab
to rehab and was in rehab I learned that addiction is a brain
I learned that addiction is a brain
I learned that addiction is a brain disease and it alters the way we think
disease and it alters the way we think
disease and it alters the way we think it alters the way we feel and alters the
it alters the way we feel and alters the
it alters the way we feel and alters the way we behave it changes our perception
way we behave it changes our perception
way we behave it changes our perception it’s not just while you’re doing the
it’s not just while you’re doing the
it’s not just while you’re doing the drug but in between the times that
drug but in between the times that
drug but in between the times that you’re doing that it’s very demanding
you’re doing that it’s very demanding
you’re doing that it’s very demanding when I used twisty and I felt exactly
when I used twisty and I felt exactly
when I used twisty and I felt exactly likely to find pictures that you see
likely to find pictures that you see
likely to find pictures that you see almost like there was a mask over my
almost like there was a mask over my
almost like there was a mask over my head it distorted the way I presented
head it distorted the way I presented
head it distorted the way I presented myself and it distorted the way life
myself and it distorted the way life
myself and it distorted the way life presented to me as a part of mine we
presented to me as a part of mine we
presented to me as a part of mine we have experienced my parents joined me
have experienced my parents joined me
have experienced my parents joined me and during that part there was something
and during that part there was something
and during that part there was something that we were asked to do which is
that we were asked to do which is
that we were asked to do which is creating a family an abstract portrait
creating a family an abstract portrait
creating a family an abstract portrait this is the portrait that I created with
this is the portrait that I created with
this is the portrait that I created with my mom and my dad in the center my three
my mom and my dad in the center my three
my mom and my dad in the center my three sisters around the outside but there’s
sisters around the outside but there’s
sisters around the outside but there’s and then this was me at the top and one
and then this was me at the top and one
and then this was me at the top and one of the things that they asked us to do
of the things that they asked us to do
of the things that they asked us to do with the image is include addiction and
with the image is include addiction and
with the image is include addiction and so I included an addiction in my image
so I included an addiction in my image
so I included an addiction in my image and that’s what it looked like for me in
and that’s what it looked like for me in
and that’s what it looked like for me in that moment I realized that I could
that moment I realized that I could
that moment I realized that I could connect with my thoughts and my feelings
connect with my thoughts and my feelings
connect with my thoughts and my feelings better through the artwork than to
better through the artwork than to
better through the artwork than to talking to somebody else about it and it
talking to somebody else about it and it
talking to somebody else about it and it really really resonated for me I ended
really really resonated for me I ended
really really resonated for me I ended up completing rehab and going into a
up completing rehab and going into a
up completing rehab and going into a sober living facility in Washington DC
sober living facility in Washington DC
sober living facility in Washington DC and while I was there I was really
and while I was there I was really
and while I was there I was really excited I was thinking I’m gonna get
excited I was thinking I’m gonna get
excited I was thinking I’m gonna get back into architecture
back into architecture
back into architecture now therapists at the time however had
now therapists at the time however had
now therapists at the time however had other ideas and they said why don’t you
other ideas and they said why don’t you
other ideas and they said why don’t you get a recovery job because if you’ve
get a recovery job because if you’ve
get a recovery job because if you’ve been in treatment for five months
been in treatment for five months
been in treatment for five months inpatient because I was really sick I’m
inpatient because I was really sick I’m
inpatient because I was really sick I’m just gonna come in and you’re not going
just gonna come in and you’re not going
just gonna come in and you’re not going to know how to manage to your lives
to know how to manage to your lives
to know how to manage to your lives especially something as demanding as
especially something as demanding as
especially something as demanding as architecture unless you get a recovery
architecture unless you get a recovery
architecture unless you get a recovery job I had friends in recovery and those
job I had friends in recovery and those
job I had friends in recovery and those were really really important to me I had
were really really important to me I had
were really really important to me I had started talking to my dad again and he
started talking to my dad again and he
started talking to my dad again and he kept asking me questions
kept asking me questions
kept asking me questions why doesn’t build our work are you sure
why doesn’t build our work are you sure
why doesn’t build our work are you sure this is going to work all of these
this is going to work all of these
this is going to work all of these questions kept coming and I knew that he
questions kept coming and I knew that he
questions kept coming and I knew that he didn’t understand it I had started to
didn’t understand it I had started to
didn’t understand it I had started to understand that
understand that
understand that and was moving along in my recovery the
and was moving along in my recovery the
and was moving along in my recovery the job that I got is my recovery job is
job that I got is my recovery job is
job that I got is my recovery job is working at the front desk at our salon
working at the front desk at our salon
working at the front desk at our salon it was a humbling experience it’s far
it was a humbling experience it’s far
it was a humbling experience it’s far far cry from architecture on a
far cry from architecture on a
far cry from architecture on a particularly difficult Saturday when
particularly difficult Saturday when
particularly difficult Saturday when stylists weren’t showing up we were
stylists weren’t showing up we were
stylists weren’t showing up we were overbooked I was losing my noodle and at
overbooked I was losing my noodle and at
overbooked I was losing my noodle and at the end of the day I got a phone call on
the end of the day I got a phone call on
the end of the day I got a phone call on ourselves from my dad and he called me
ourselves from my dad and he called me
ourselves from my dad and he called me and he said hey I have a question for
and he said hey I have a question for
and he said hey I have a question for you and I said sure dad what’s that he’s
you and I said sure dad what’s that he’s
you and I said sure dad what’s that he’s like are you still using and I was like
like are you still using and I was like
like are you still using and I was like no I’m not using he said that he’s still
no I’m not using he said that he’s still
no I’m not using he said that he’s still too when the therapy as a yeah still
too when the therapy as a yeah still
too when the therapy as a yeah still doing the therapy and then he said
doing the therapy and then he said
doing the therapy and then he said something that really struck a chord
something that really struck a chord
something that really struck a chord nerve booth he said when you never get a
nerve booth he said when you never get a
nerve booth he said when you never get a real job and I had done enough therapy
real job and I had done enough therapy
real job and I had done enough therapy and work through the anger with my dad
and work through the anger with my dad
and work through the anger with my dad during the time that I was in rehab I
during the time that I was in rehab I
during the time that I was in rehab I realized that you know our parents
realized that you know our parents
realized that you know our parents aren’t given instruction manuals for us
aren’t given instruction manuals for us
aren’t given instruction manuals for us when we’re born and we’re not given
when we’re born and we’re not given
when we’re born and we’re not given instruction manual
instruction manual
instruction manual an addiction certainly did to help any
an addiction certainly did to help any
an addiction certainly did to help any of that but I said to him you know when
of that but I said to him you know when
of that but I said to him you know when you say that sometimes it makes me feel
you say that sometimes it makes me feel
you say that sometimes it makes me feel like I’m not doing enough of my recovery
like I’m not doing enough of my recovery
like I’m not doing enough of my recovery and it makes me feel like maybe I’m not
and it makes me feel like maybe I’m not
and it makes me feel like maybe I’m not going to make it but most of all it
going to make it but most of all it
going to make it but most of all it makes me feel that I’m never going to be
makes me feel that I’m never going to be
makes me feel that I’m never going to be worthy Hittner honest and there was a
worthy Hittner honest and there was a
worthy Hittner honest and there was a long ear he paused and he said to me I
long ear he paused and he said to me I
long ear he paused and he said to me I was just worried and concerned about you
was just worried and concerned about you
was just worried and concerned about you and for the first time I could actually
and for the first time I could actually
and for the first time I could actually hear it I could hear the emotion in his
hear it I could hear the emotion in his
hear it I could hear the emotion in his voice
voice
voice it wasn’t judgmental it wasn’t caustic
it wasn’t judgmental it wasn’t caustic
it wasn’t judgmental it wasn’t caustic he was really concerned and I realized
he was really concerned and I realized
he was really concerned and I realized that most of his life that was probably
that most of his life that was probably
that most of his life that was probably true and he came out as judgment and it
true and he came out as judgment and it
true and he came out as judgment and it was my misinterpretation and my use that
was my misinterpretation and my use that
was my misinterpretation and my use that distorted that but he wasn’t very good
distorted that but he wasn’t very good
distorted that but he wasn’t very good at emotions either and it was a powerful
at emotions either and it was a powerful
at emotions either and it was a powerful moment for me a lot of my friends in
moment for me a lot of my friends in
moment for me a lot of my friends in recovery could see that I was doing well
recovery could see that I was doing well
recovery could see that I was doing well they could see it before I could see it
they could see it before I could see it
they could see it before I could see it I eventually did get an architecture job
I eventually did get an architecture job
I eventually did get an architecture job and I lost it in a month was the first
and I lost it in a month was the first
and I lost it in a month was the first architectural job that I was ever fired
architectural job that I was ever fired
architectural job that I was ever fired from pretty embarrassing to say but
from pretty embarrassing to say but
from pretty embarrassing to say but that’s another story
that’s another story
that’s another story and they said well since you’ve got so
and they said well since you’ve got so
and they said well since you’ve got so much time on your hands why don’t you go
much time on your hands why don’t you go
much time on your hands why don’t you go to this retreat
to this retreat
to this retreat so I went to that retreat I was thinking
so I went to that retreat I was thinking
so I went to that retreat I was thinking about the conversation that I had with
about the conversation that I had with
about the conversation that I had with my dad and what all of that was like and
my dad and what all of that was like and
my dad and what all of that was like and how I had told him so many times that I
how I had told him so many times that I
how I had told him so many times that I was fine how many times that that word
was fine how many times that that word
was fine how many times that that word really didn’t mean what it meant after I
really didn’t mean what it meant after I
really didn’t mean what it meant after I lost a job my friend said you know how
lost a job my friend said you know how
lost a job my friend said you know how are you feeling and when I was at the
are you feeling and when I was at the
are you feeling and when I was at the retreat what I realized is that by means
retreat what I realized is that by means
retreat what I realized is that by means effed-up insecure
effed-up insecure
effed-up insecure nerado and emotional and it made a lot
nerado and emotional and it made a lot
nerado and emotional and it made a lot of sense and all of us at that retreat I
of sense and all of us at that retreat I
of sense and all of us at that retreat I met someone that was incredibly
met someone that was incredibly
met someone that was incredibly instrumental in changing my life she was
instrumental in changing my life she was
instrumental in changing my life she was an art terrorist and she told me a
an art terrorist and she told me a
an art terrorist and she told me a little bit about it and she unknowingly
little bit about it and she unknowingly
little bit about it and she unknowingly opened the door and I ran right into it
the next couple of months and years
the next couple of months and years looked a little bit like this I call the
looked a little bit like this I call the
looked a little bit like this I call the juggling flaming chaos falls because I
juggling flaming chaos falls because I
juggling flaming chaos falls because I was doing part-time work in the daytime
was doing part-time work in the daytime
was doing part-time work in the daytime I was going to psychology courses
I was going to psychology courses
I was going to psychology courses because I had a degree in architecture
because I had a degree in architecture
because I had a degree in architecture not psychology so it’s taken
not psychology so it’s taken
not psychology so it’s taken undergraduate coursework in psychology
undergraduate coursework in psychology
undergraduate coursework in psychology and at nighttime I was taking studio art
and at nighttime I was taking studio art
and at nighttime I was taking studio art career it was exhilarating that it was
career it was exhilarating that it was
career it was exhilarating that it was also an interesting way to reinforce the
also an interesting way to reinforce the
also an interesting way to reinforce the recovery and reinforce the connections
recovery and reinforce the connections
recovery and reinforce the connections my family started trusting me a lot more
my family started trusting me a lot more
my family started trusting me a lot more I was telling the truth I wasn’t hiding
I was telling the truth I wasn’t hiding
I was telling the truth I wasn’t hiding parts of myself and most importantly I
parts of myself and most importantly I
parts of myself and most importantly I wasn’t using I applied to graduate
wasn’t using I applied to graduate
wasn’t using I applied to graduate school I got accepted and after two and
school I got accepted and after two and
school I got accepted and after two and a half years I graduated and while I was
a half years I graduated and while I was
a half years I graduated and while I was in graduate school I learned a lot about
in graduate school I learned a lot about
in graduate school I learned a lot about how you can use art in therapy and I
how you can use art in therapy and I
how you can use art in therapy and I want to talk a little bit about that
want to talk a little bit about that
want to talk a little bit about that right now
right now
right now just as I said addiction affects the
just as I said addiction affects the
just as I said addiction affects the brain the way we think and feel and
brain the way we think and feel and
brain the way we think and feel and behave art also functions as an
behave art also functions as an
behave art also functions as an intermediary between your
intermediary between your
intermediary between your and who you are as a person and it works
and who you are as a person and it works
and who you are as a person and it works on the thought level the feeling level
on the thought level the feeling level
on the thought level the feeling level and the behavioral level and it’s going
and the behavioral level and it’s going
and the behavioral level and it’s going to show you some examples of that the
to show you some examples of that the
to show you some examples of that the first one on the right hand side you see
first one on the right hand side you see
first one on the right hand side you see Clark Kent and on the left hand side you
Clark Kent and on the left hand side you
Clark Kent and on the left hand side you see Superman in active addiction I used
see Superman in active addiction I used
see Superman in active addiction I used a lot I used manipulative manipulation
a lot I used manipulative manipulation
a lot I used manipulative manipulation and they used a shroud of secrecy to
and they used a shroud of secrecy to
and they used a shroud of secrecy to keep myself protected from other people
keep myself protected from other people
keep myself protected from other people knowing that I was using and that’s kind
knowing that I was using and that’s kind
knowing that I was using and that’s kind of like Clark Kent he had to keep those
of like Clark Kent he had to keep those
of like Clark Kent he had to keep those secrets he had to lie about who he
secrets he had to lie about who he
secrets he had to lie about who he really was in order to keep his
really was in order to keep his
really was in order to keep his superhero Superman protected Superman I
superhero Superman protected Superman I
superhero Superman protected Superman I used in this because of that cognitive
used in this because of that cognitive
used in this because of that cognitive defense of perfection is also what I
defense of perfection is also what I
defense of perfection is also what I used in architecture I learned if I do
used in architecture I learned if I do
used in architecture I learned if I do things perfectly then no one questions
things perfectly then no one questions
things perfectly then no one questions me and if I attempted to do things
me and if I attempted to do things
me and if I attempted to do things perfectly in life no one questioned me
perfectly in life no one questioned me
perfectly in life no one questioned me and it’s a great way to hide active
and it’s a great way to hide active
and it’s a great way to hide active addiction that’s a cognitive kind of
addiction that’s a cognitive kind of
addiction that’s a cognitive kind of approach it works both targeted lis and
approach it works both targeted lis and
approach it works both targeted lis and symbolically it’s very much tracked and
symbolically it’s very much tracked and
symbolically it’s very much tracked and it’s on the same level in terms of the
it’s on the same level in terms of the
it’s on the same level in terms of the effect level or the emotional level
effect level or the emotional level
effect level or the emotional level that’s kind of the mid region of the
that’s kind of the mid region of the
that’s kind of the mid region of the brain and when you look at this image
brain and when you look at this image
brain and when you look at this image what is your reaction
for me this is anger this is a shame
for me this is anger this is a shame this is what it felt like to really look
this is what it felt like to really look
this is what it felt like to really look at my past with image on this die and
at my past with image on this die and
at my past with image on this die and for many people it’s scary this is
for many people it’s scary this is
for many people it’s scary this is actually a mandala and Mangala means the
actually a mandala and Mangala means the
actually a mandala and Mangala means the spiritual which you can kind of see the
spiritual which you can kind of see the
spiritual which you can kind of see the circle here but there was a lot of paper
circle here but there was a lot of paper
circle here but there was a lot of paper shredding and a lot of crayon
shredding and a lot of crayon
shredding and a lot of crayon destruction when I created this the
destruction when I created this the
destruction when I created this the other thing that I’ll say is that same
other thing that I’ll say is that same
other thing that I’ll say is that same kind of thing on that effective
kind of thing on that effective
kind of thing on that effective works as well and in recovery I felt
works as well and in recovery I felt
works as well and in recovery I felt connected and this is a very different
connected and this is a very different
connected and this is a very different image it’s still modeling it’s very
image it’s still modeling it’s very
image it’s still modeling it’s very different this was about joy this is
different this was about joy this is
different this was about joy this is about finding my self again this is
about finding my self again this is
about finding my self again this is about connecting with people especially
about connecting with people especially
about connecting with people especially like my dad both of those images depict
like my dad both of those images depict
like my dad both of those images depict the way that mark can work on that
the way that mark can work on that
the way that mark can work on that affective affective level through
affective affective level through
affective affective level through perceptions the lowest is on the
perceptions the lowest is on the
perceptions the lowest is on the physical and I can utilize
physical and I can utilize
physical and I can utilize and pound out my aggression on this
and pound out my aggression on this
and pound out my aggression on this Kenneth’s kinesthetic to Tharsis getting
Kenneth’s kinesthetic to Tharsis getting
Kenneth’s kinesthetic to Tharsis getting it out just through using use of the
it out just through using use of the
it out just through using use of the clay in a physical manner but I can also
clay in a physical manner but I can also
clay in a physical manner but I can also use it to create essential lines of a
use it to create essential lines of a
use it to create essential lines of a model space the curves of the djinn the
model space the curves of the djinn the
model space the curves of the djinn the curves of the thing and it really did
curves of the thing and it really did
curves of the thing and it really did connect you back to the physical because
connect you back to the physical because
connect you back to the physical because you’re actually using your hands in
you’re actually using your hands in
you’re actually using your hands in order to create that all three of these
order to create that all three of these
order to create that all three of these levels that use as an art therapist and
levels that use as an art therapist and
levels that use as an art therapist and they’re very effective
they’re very effective
they’re very effective they actually casein the recovery
they actually casein the recovery
they actually casein the recovery process for most people because they’re
process for most people because they’re
process for most people because they’re not just sitting around there talking
not just sitting around there talking
not just sitting around there talking they’re actually doing feeling thinking
they’re actually doing feeling thinking
they’re actually doing feeling thinking and behaving differently it’s really
and behaving differently it’s really
and behaving differently it’s really really important at the end of my
really important at the end of my
really important at the end of my graduate school I had a party that was
graduate school I had a party that was
graduate school I had a party that was there on campus and my family came to it
there on campus and my family came to it
there on campus and my family came to it and this is probably some of the most
and this is probably some of the most
and this is probably some of the most important part of my family that I
important part of my family that I
important part of my family that I reconnected to an active addiction it’s
reconnected to an active addiction it’s
reconnected to an active addiction it’s a main reason why I got sober and I
a main reason why I got sober and I
a main reason why I got sober and I introduced my nieces and nephews that’s
introduced my nieces and nephews that’s
introduced my nieces and nephews that’s who they are to one of my professors and
who they are to one of my professors and
who they are to one of my professors and during that time the party about
during that time the party about
during that time the party about and one of the professor’s came up to me
and one of the professor’s came up to me
and one of the professor’s came up to me and she whispered in my ear and she said
and she whispered in my ear and she said
and she whispered in my ear and she said there’s a really creepy man playing with
there’s a really creepy man playing with
there’s a really creepy man playing with your nieces and nephews in the corner
your nieces and nephews in the corner
your nieces and nephews in the corner and I looked over and I saw a pair of
and I looked over and I saw a pair of
and I looked over and I saw a pair of black and orange tennis shoes
black and orange tennis shoes
black and orange tennis shoes fuchsia running man’s socks that had
fuchsia running man’s socks that had
fuchsia running man’s socks that had embroidered rabbits and carrots a green
embroidered rabbits and carrots a green
embroidered rabbits and carrots a green windbreaker and a tweed hat and I said
windbreaker and a tweed hat and I said
windbreaker and a tweed hat and I said yeah don’t worry about that that’s my
yeah don’t worry about that that’s my
yeah don’t worry about that that’s my dad a left graduate school I worked at
dad a left graduate school I worked at
dad a left graduate school I worked at mhm for a little while and then I got
mhm for a little while and then I got
mhm for a little while and then I got the job but I currently have and it’s
the job but I currently have and it’s
the job but I currently have and it’s been an incredible experience it’s very
been an incredible experience it’s very
been an incredible experience it’s very different for me then where I thought I
different for me then where I thought I
different for me then where I thought I was going when I started this journey
was going when I started this journey
was going when I started this journey thirteen years ago all I wanted to do is
thirteen years ago all I wanted to do is
thirteen years ago all I wanted to do is get my family out of that intervention
get my family out of that intervention
get my family out of that intervention go do my 30 days and then move back
go do my 30 days and then move back
go do my 30 days and then move back where I was from and that didn’t happen
where I was from and that didn’t happen
where I was from and that didn’t happen at all I never thought that I would be
at all I never thought that I would be
at all I never thought that I would be doing art therapy but that’s the way my
doing art therapy but that’s the way my
doing art therapy but that’s the way my recovery unfolded there’s lots of lenses
recovery unfolded there’s lots of lenses
recovery unfolded there’s lots of lenses that we look at life through for me
that we look at life through for me
that we look at life through for me addiction only allow me to see through
addiction only allow me to see through
addiction only allow me to see through one lens through the process of recovery
one lens through the process of recovery
one lens through the process of recovery through the process of change through
through the process of change through
through the process of change through the process of being able to pursue
the process of being able to pursue
the process of being able to pursue things that I didn’t realize that I
things that I didn’t realize that I
things that I didn’t realize that I could pursue different lenses can be
could pursue different lenses can be
could pursue different lenses can be used at different times just like an art
used at different times just like an art
used at different times just like an art therapy whether that’s on the thought
therapy whether that’s on the thought
therapy whether that’s on the thought processes the feeling process
processes the feeling process
processes the feeling process the behavioral processes it’s really
the behavioral processes it’s really
the behavioral processes it’s really important and it’s a really important
important and it’s a really important
important and it’s a really important way to kind of approach life now and I
way to kind of approach life now and I
way to kind of approach life now and I loved the experience for it I was
loved the experience for it I was
loved the experience for it I was exhilarated in college it was a new
exhilarated in college it was a new
exhilarated in college it was a new chapter and it was one again that I
chapter and it was one again that I
chapter and it was one again that I didn’t think was going to be possible
about three years ago my dad was
about three years ago my dad was diagnosed with cancer and there was a
diagnosed with cancer and there was a
diagnosed with cancer and there was a lot of things that I wanted to make sure
lot of things that I wanted to make sure
lot of things that I wanted to make sure that I said and that I did with him to
that I said and that I did with him to
that I said and that I did with him to make sure that there wasn’t anything
make sure that there wasn’t anything
make sure that there wasn’t anything that was left out because my 26 years in
that was left out because my 26 years in
that was left out because my 26 years in active addiction
active addiction
active addiction my relationship with em was not that
my relationship with em was not that
my relationship with em was not that great and so I went home when my parents
great and so I went home when my parents
great and so I went home when my parents lived and my dad was in that he was
lived and my dad was in that he was
lived and my dad was in that he was frail he was going blind and he’s like
frail he was going blind and he’s like
frail he was going blind and he’s like hey Joe what’s going on and I said we
hey Joe what’s going on and I said we
hey Joe what’s going on and I said we need to talk and he’s like we’re not
need to talk and he’s like we’re not
need to talk and he’s like we’re not going to be doing any more of that
going to be doing any more of that
going to be doing any more of that therapy stuff and I said well we kinda
therapy stuff and I said well we kinda
therapy stuff and I said well we kinda are and he just stopped me with his one
are and he just stopped me with his one
are and he just stopped me with his one good eye he’s like you just need to know
good eye he’s like you just need to know
good eye he’s like you just need to know that we’re really really good and that
that we’re really really good and that
that we’re really really good and that was so important to me because I
was so important to me because I
was so important to me because I realized that I have made it through
realized that I have made it through
realized that I have made it through something that a lot of my friends did
something that a lot of my friends did
something that a lot of my friends did make it through a lot of my friends have
make it through a lot of my friends have
make it through a lot of my friends have died from this addiction it’s not fair
died from this addiction it’s not fair
died from this addiction it’s not fair but it’s true
my dad died three years ago and I spoke
my dad died three years ago and I spoke at his funeral and after the funeral was
at his funeral and after the funeral was
at his funeral and after the funeral was over a fellow judge that he worked with
over a fellow judge that he worked with
over a fellow judge that he worked with came up to me and he said he didn’t know
came up to me and he said he didn’t know
came up to me and he said he didn’t know my dad for about thirty years and he
my dad for about thirty years and he
my dad for about thirty years and he said some amazing things to me he said
said some amazing things to me he said
said some amazing things to me he said your dad and I talked a lot and he was
your dad and I talked a lot and he was
your dad and I talked a lot and he was really really not fine during that
really really not fine during that
really really not fine during that intervention because he thought he was
intervention because he thought he was
intervention because he thought he was losing this farm and he said he was
losing this farm and he said he was
losing this farm and he said he was really surprised when you called him
really surprised when you called him
really surprised when you called him from that recovery job and told him what
from that recovery job and told him what
from that recovery job and told him what you told him because he could see the
you told him because he could see the
you told him because he could see the changes and that surprised and he was
changes and that surprised and he was
changes and that surprised and he was never more proud than when you got your
never more proud than when you got your
never more proud than when you got your graduate degree and he was able to play
graduate degree and he was able to play
graduate degree and he was able to play with your nieces and nephews at the
with your nieces and nephews at the
with your nieces and nephews at the party and I realized that my dad and I
party and I realized that my dad and I
party and I realized that my dad and I had a lot more in common than I ever
had a lot more in common than I ever
had a lot more in common than I ever realized we were both kind of emotional
realized we were both kind of emotional
realized we were both kind of emotional cripples and my recovery process helped
cripples and my recovery process helped
cripples and my recovery process helped me to reconnect with me with my emotions
me to reconnect with me with my emotions
me to reconnect with me with my emotions but more importantly my family and
but more importantly my family and
but more importantly my family and specifically my dad I was watching the
specifically my dad I was watching the
specifically my dad I was watching the World Series this past month and my dad
World Series this past month and my dad
World Series this past month and my dad loved baseball he loved watching the
loved baseball he loved watching the
loved baseball he loved watching the World Series maybe not so much but I got
World Series maybe not so much but I got
World Series maybe not so much but I got emotional and I started crying and I
emotional and I started crying and I
emotional and I started crying and I realized that I miss my dad I miss him a
realized that I miss my dad I miss him a
realized that I miss my dad I miss him a lot
lot
lot I miss talking to him I miss the 10
I miss talking to him I miss the 10
I miss talking to him I miss the 10 years that we had after I got sober and
years that we had after I got sober and
years that we had after I got sober and Owen traded through the world but I also
Owen traded through the world but I also
Owen traded through the world but I also realized that it wasn’t fine but when
realized that it wasn’t fine but when
realized that it wasn’t fine but when thinking about the relationship I had
thinking about the relationship I had
thinking about the relationship I had with my dad
with my dad
with my dad those words that I did have with them
those words that I did have with them
those words that I did have with them and though we were not fine for most of
and though we were not fine for most of
and though we were not fine for most of our lives in the end we were really
our lives in the end we were really
our lives in the end we were really really
”
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