what would you think if you came to see a therapist like me to talk about an
a therapist like me to talk about an
a therapist like me to talk about an issue in your family and I told you the
issue in your family and I told you the
issue in your family and I told you the problem is you have a beast in your
problem is you have a beast in your
problem is you have a beast in your family you think I was crazy right well
family you think I was crazy right well
family you think I was crazy right well let me share my story and then tell me
let me share my story and then tell me
let me share my story and then tell me what you think if you’re a parent and
what you think if you’re a parent and
what you think if you’re a parent and particularly if your kids are now
particularly if your kids are now
particularly if your kids are now teenagers you may very well be hosting a
teenagers you may very well be hosting a
teenagers you may very well be hosting a houseguest you never dreamed of a truly
houseguest you never dreamed of a truly
houseguest you never dreamed of a truly beastly character and no it’s not your
beastly character and no it’s not your
beastly character and no it’s not your teenager I’m talking about
teenager I’m talking about
teenager I’m talking about it’s worse than Jabba the Hutt more
it’s worse than Jabba the Hutt more
it’s worse than Jabba the Hutt more destructive than Godzilla and I call
destructive than Godzilla and I call
destructive than Godzilla and I call this beast the parent teen control
this beast the parent teen control
this beast the parent teen control battle parents when you first decided to
battle parents when you first decided to
battle parents when you first decided to have kids were you thinking wow wouldn’t
have kids were you thinking wow wouldn’t
have kids were you thinking wow wouldn’t it be great to have a teenager to put on
it be great to have a teenager to put on
it be great to have a teenager to put on restriction I can’t wait for my teenager
restriction I can’t wait for my teenager
restriction I can’t wait for my teenager to be old enough so I can take his
to be old enough so I can take his
to be old enough so I can take his computer privileges away
computer privileges away
computer privileges away I think fighting with my daughter to get
I think fighting with my daughter to get
I think fighting with my daughter to get off on social media get going on our
off on social media get going on our
off on social media get going on our homework will be so rewarding
homework will be so rewarding
homework will be so rewarding now of course not that’s ridiculous you
now of course not that’s ridiculous you
now of course not that’s ridiculous you start with the idea of loving and
start with the idea of loving and
start with the idea of loving and playing with and teaching your children
playing with and teaching your children
playing with and teaching your children and believe if you love your children
and believe if you love your children
and believe if you love your children enough they will be happy easy to raise
enough they will be happy easy to raise
enough they will be happy easy to raise kids and teenagers who will become happy
kids and teenagers who will become happy
kids and teenagers who will become happy successful adults and yet with all these
successful adults and yet with all these
successful adults and yet with all these good intentions and so much effort the
good intentions and so much effort the
good intentions and so much effort the experience of adolescence will throw
experience of adolescence will throw
experience of adolescence will throw many parents and teenagers for a loop
many parents and teenagers for a loop
many parents and teenagers for a loop what makes adolescents such a game
what makes adolescents such a game
what makes adolescents such a game changer anyway and is there a way to
changer anyway and is there a way to
changer anyway and is there a way to bypass all the conflict and pain well
bypass all the conflict and pain well
bypass all the conflict and pain well once we know what we’re up against I’ll
once we know what we’re up against I’ll
once we know what we’re up against I’ll be able to show you the two essential
be able to show you the two essential
be able to show you the two essential steps necessary to address that question
steps necessary to address that question
steps necessary to address that question but first some background adolescence is
but first some background adolescence is
but first some background adolescence is that transitional time between childhood
that transitional time between childhood
that transitional time between childhood and young adulthood teenagers are
and young adulthood teenagers are
and young adulthood teenagers are learning to become their own
learning to become their own
learning to become their own persons able to function independently
persons able to function independently
persons able to function independently from their parents it’s truly an amazing
from their parents it’s truly an amazing
from their parents it’s truly an amazing time of metamorphosis kids are opening
time of metamorphosis kids are opening
time of metamorphosis kids are opening up their wings and learning to fly
up their wings and learning to fly
up their wings and learning to fly what’s important for parents and teens
what’s important for parents and teens
what’s important for parents and teens as kids travel through their adolescence
as kids travel through their adolescence
as kids travel through their adolescence is to gradually shift the relationship
is to gradually shift the relationship
is to gradually shift the relationship from one of strict teen accountability
from one of strict teen accountability
from one of strict teen accountability to their parents to teen accountability
to their parents to teen accountability
to their parents to teen accountability and responsibility for themselves in
and responsibility for themselves in
and responsibility for themselves in this way kids learn and grow towards
this way kids learn and grow towards
this way kids learn and grow towards their independence it’s not a smoother
their independence it’s not a smoother
their independence it’s not a smoother easy journey for most kids but the ups
easy journey for most kids but the ups
easy journey for most kids but the ups and downs the stormy parts they’re all
and downs the stormy parts they’re all
and downs the stormy parts they’re all part of the learning that makes up this
part of the learning that makes up this
part of the learning that makes up this journey complicating this journey even
journey complicating this journey even
journey complicating this journey even further are the physiological and
further are the physiological and
further are the physiological and neurological changes taking place which
neurological changes taking place which
neurological changes taking place which profoundly affect how kids think feel
profoundly affect how kids think feel
profoundly affect how kids think feel and act often the people are teenagers
and act often the people are teenagers
and act often the people are teenagers have become can be so different that
have become can be so different that
have become can be so different that they’re almost unrecognizable to their
they’re almost unrecognizable to their
they’re almost unrecognizable to their parents so it’s not unreasonable to
parents so it’s not unreasonable to
parents so it’s not unreasonable to expect that this will be a challenging
expect that this will be a challenging
expect that this will be a challenging time for our kids and us their
time for our kids and us their
time for our kids and us their beleaguered parents the folks who are
beleaguered parents the folks who are
beleaguered parents the folks who are often taking the hits as our kids move
often taking the hits as our kids move
often taking the hits as our kids move away from us towards their inevitable
away from us towards their inevitable
away from us towards their inevitable and desirable emancipation well this is
and desirable emancipation well this is
and desirable emancipation well this is fine
fine
fine never easy of course but we hang in
never easy of course but we hang in
never easy of course but we hang in there we read a couple of books on
there we read a couple of books on
there we read a couple of books on adolescence because our kids don’t come
adolescence because our kids don’t come
adolescence because our kids don’t come with instructions and we manage our
with instructions and we manage our
with instructions and we manage our anxiety and sometimes our kids travel
anxiety and sometimes our kids travel
anxiety and sometimes our kids travel through their teen years and things work
through their teen years and things work
through their teen years and things work out pretty well never perfectly of
out pretty well never perfectly of
out pretty well never perfectly of course but reasonably well yes and yet
course but reasonably well yes and yet
course but reasonably well yes and yet because of the unique challenges that
because of the unique challenges that
because of the unique challenges that adolescence presents many parents and
adolescence presents many parents and
adolescence presents many parents and teenagers will will find themselves
teenagers will will find themselves
teenagers will will find themselves locked in a chronic struggle a struggle
locked in a chronic struggle a struggle
locked in a chronic struggle a struggle I’ve termed the parent teen control
I’ve termed the parent teen control
I’ve termed the parent teen control battle know this isn’t that occasional
battle know this isn’t that occasional
battle know this isn’t that occasional event where parents and teens clash it’s
event where parents and teens clash it’s
event where parents and teens clash it’s a repeating pattern of interaction that
a repeating pattern of interaction that
a repeating pattern of interaction that has come to define the relationship
has come to define the relationship
has come to define the relationship a pattern where kids are continually
a pattern where kids are continually
a pattern where kids are continually avoiding responsibilities or engaging
avoiding responsibilities or engaging
avoiding responsibilities or engaging unhealthy or destructive behavior and
unhealthy or destructive behavior and
unhealthy or destructive behavior and parents are continually attempting to
parents are continually attempting to
parents are continually attempting to get kids to manage their
get kids to manage their
get kids to manage their responsibilities
responsibilities
responsibilities stop destructive behavior and engage
stop destructive behavior and engage
stop destructive behavior and engage healthy ones you see relationship
healthy ones you see relationship
healthy ones you see relationship patterns are have momentum and even
patterns are have momentum and even
patterns are have momentum and even though they are invisible they’re
though they are invisible they’re
though they are invisible they’re powerful and enduring much more so than
powerful and enduring much more so than
powerful and enduring much more so than we are aware so when the relationship
we are aware so when the relationship
we are aware so when the relationship pattern between parents and teens
pattern between parents and teens
pattern between parents and teens becomes a control battle all the parents
becomes a control battle all the parents
becomes a control battle all the parents love all their good intentions will be
love all their good intentions will be
love all their good intentions will be undermined by this beast these battles
undermined by this beast these battles
undermined by this beast these battles take place over serious issues such as
take place over serious issues such as
take place over serious issues such as substance abuse or kids not coming home
substance abuse or kids not coming home
substance abuse or kids not coming home at night they take place over homework
at night they take place over homework
at night they take place over homework or getting off the internet or just
or getting off the internet or just
or getting off the internet or just making messes battles can be various
making messes battles can be various
making messes battles can be various combinations of loud and high conflict
combinations of loud and high conflict
combinations of loud and high conflict or soft that are silent and avoidant the
or soft that are silent and avoidant the
or soft that are silent and avoidant the common thread is that any engagement
common thread is that any engagement
common thread is that any engagement will be feel stressful and it will be
will be feel stressful and it will be
will be feel stressful and it will be unproductive appearance attempts to
unproductive appearance attempts to
unproductive appearance attempts to create a change in team behavior will be
create a change in team behavior will be
create a change in team behavior will be met with resistance and any improvement
met with resistance and any improvement
met with resistance and any improvement will be at best short-lived things that
will be at best short-lived things that
will be at best short-lived things that should be simple will now be difficult
should be simple will now be difficult
should be simple will now be difficult things that should be easy will be maybe
things that should be easy will be maybe
things that should be easy will be maybe impossible once there is a beast in the
impossible once there is a beast in the
impossible once there is a beast in the family it must be starved out to get
family it must be starved out to get
family it must be starved out to get things back on track let me tell you
things back on track let me tell you
things back on track let me tell you about a dad who came to see me in my
about a dad who came to see me in my
about a dad who came to see me in my office to talk with me about his 14 year
office to talk with me about his 14 year
office to talk with me about his 14 year old son beau he said beau is not
old son beau he said beau is not
old son beau he said beau is not applying himself in school and they
applying himself in school and they
applying himself in school and they struggled getting him to do his homework
struggled getting him to do his homework
struggled getting him to do his homework every night and even then he was barely
every night and even then he was barely
every night and even then he was barely passing he’d been caught smoking weed
passing he’d been caught smoking weed
passing he’d been caught smoking weed and there were very concerns about the
and there were very concerns about the
and there were very concerns about the kinds of kids that he was now hanging
kinds of kids that he was now hanging
kinds of kids that he was now hanging out with mom and dad tried various
out with mom and dad tried various
out with mom and dad tried various consequences taking his phone away of
consequences taking his phone away of
consequences taking his phone away of course then they couldn’t reach him
course then they couldn’t reach him
course then they couldn’t reach him taking his computer privileges away but
taking his computer privileges away but
taking his computer privileges away but nothing made any real change
nothing made any real change
nothing made any real change they even backed off to see if that
they even backed off to see if that
they even backed off to see if that would help but beau didn’t seem to care
would help but beau didn’t seem to care
would help but beau didn’t seem to care and then if they just let him fail well
and then if they just let him fail well
and then if they just let him fail well then where would they
then where would they
then where would they be dad was very concerned
be dad was very concerned
be dad was very concerned he knew Bo was such a great kid at heart
he knew Bo was such a great kid at heart
he knew Bo was such a great kid at heart but he knew he was going down the wrong
but he knew he was going down the wrong
but he knew he was going down the wrong road and then trying to help him he felt
road and then trying to help him he felt
road and then trying to help him he felt stuck he could push punish fight and
stuck he could push punish fight and
stuck he could push punish fight and argue and maybe keep Oh a float or back
argue and maybe keep Oh a float or back
argue and maybe keep Oh a float or back off and watching fail here’s an example
off and watching fail here’s an example
off and watching fail here’s an example of the kinds of conversations that went
of the kinds of conversations that went
of the kinds of conversations that went on at home dad would say Bo
on at home dad would say Bo
on at home dad would say Bo quit playing your games to get going on
quit playing your games to get going on
quit playing your games to get going on your homework I don’t have any homework
your homework I don’t have any homework
your homework I don’t have any homework I did it all at school well what about
I did it all at school well what about
I did it all at school well what about those missing assignments on Infinite
those missing assignments on Infinite
those missing assignments on Infinite Campus no mr. K said I shouldn’t worry
Campus no mr. K said I shouldn’t worry
Campus no mr. K said I shouldn’t worry about those I should just study for the
about those I should just study for the
about those I should just study for the test well I don’t agree with that of you
test well I don’t agree with that of you
test well I don’t agree with that of you of assignments you need to do them and
of assignments you need to do them and
of assignments you need to do them and you’re not studying for the test the
you’re not studying for the test the
you’re not studying for the test the test isn’t until Friday I’ve got plenty
test isn’t until Friday I’ve got plenty
test isn’t until Friday I’ve got plenty of time
of time
of time quit playing now and get off the
quit playing now and get off the
quit playing now and get off the computer or I’m taking it away why are
computer or I’m taking it away why are
computer or I’m taking it away why are you being all like that I’m playing with
you being all like that I’m playing with
you being all like that I’m playing with my friends if I stop now it wrecks the
my friends if I stop now it wrecks the
my friends if I stop now it wrecks the game for everybody well dad didn’t want
game for everybody well dad didn’t want
game for everybody well dad didn’t want to be the guy who wrecks the game for
to be the guy who wrecks the game for
to be the guy who wrecks the game for everybody
everybody
everybody so he said okay a half an hour more but
so he said okay a half an hour more but
so he said okay a half an hour more but that’s it well this had become their
that’s it well this had become their
that’s it well this had become their relationship dad trying to get Bo to do
relationship dad trying to get Bo to do
relationship dad trying to get Bo to do what Bo needs to do and Bo fighting his
what Bo needs to do and Bo fighting his
what Bo needs to do and Bo fighting his father avoiding responsibility and doing
father avoiding responsibility and doing
father avoiding responsibility and doing what’s exciting and fun dad said when Bo
what’s exciting and fun dad said when Bo
what’s exciting and fun dad said when Bo was little he was an active cooperative
was little he was an active cooperative
was little he was an active cooperative and really positive kid he was a
and really positive kid he was a
and really positive kid he was a friendly he was athletic he was a good
friendly he was athletic he was a good
friendly he was athletic he was a good helper everybody loved him dad confided
helper everybody loved him dad confided
helper everybody loved him dad confided that when he himself was a kid his older
that when he himself was a kid his older
that when he himself was a kid his older brother had gotten into drugs and that
brother had gotten into drugs and that
brother had gotten into drugs and that became a problem that plagued him all
became a problem that plagued him all
became a problem that plagued him all the way into his adult years he didn’t
the way into his adult years he didn’t
the way into his adult years he didn’t want that for Bo dad was scared and he
want that for Bo dad was scared and he
want that for Bo dad was scared and he was confused he and his wife had been so
was confused he and his wife had been so
was confused he and his wife had been so loving and positive with Bo it was
loving and positive with Bo it was
loving and positive with Bo it was nothing like the angry household he grew
nothing like the angry household he grew
nothing like the angry household he grew up in what went wrong well dad didn’t
up in what went wrong well dad didn’t
up in what went wrong well dad didn’t realize it but he and Bo were in the
realize it but he and Bo were in the
realize it but he and Bo were in the clutches of the Beast and I saw it and I
clutches of the Beast and I saw it and I
clutches of the Beast and I saw it and I knew what they needed to do
knew what they needed to do
knew what they needed to do to turn things around and like I said
to turn things around and like I said
to turn things around and like I said earlier there are only two but two very
earlier there are only two but two very
earlier there are only two but two very essential things we need to do to make a
essential things we need to do to make a
essential things we need to do to make a big shift and starve the beast
big shift and starve the beast
big shift and starve the beast number one reclaim a healthy vision of
number one reclaim a healthy vision of
number one reclaim a healthy vision of your kid right now the Beast has a
your kid right now the Beast has a
your kid right now the Beast has a picture in Dad’s head of Bo going down
picture in Dad’s head of Bo going down
picture in Dad’s head of Bo going down the wrong road and ending up like his
the wrong road and ending up like his
the wrong road and ending up like his uncle dad give yourself permission to
uncle dad give yourself permission to
uncle dad give yourself permission to remember those wonderful qualities you
remember those wonderful qualities you
remember those wonderful qualities you know and love about Bo your kid needs to
know and love about Bo your kid needs to
know and love about Bo your kid needs to know that even though he’s not where he
know that even though he’s not where he
know that even though he’s not where he needs to be right now that his dad
needs to be right now that his dad
needs to be right now that his dad believes in them and here’s something we
believes in them and here’s something we
believes in them and here’s something we all need to remember many if not most
all need to remember many if not most
all need to remember many if not most teenagers struggle with their
teenagers struggle with their
teenagers struggle with their self-esteem often they forget that they
self-esteem often they forget that they
self-esteem often they forget that they can be successful now or in the future
can be successful now or in the future
can be successful now or in the future if we lose faith in them and in their
if we lose faith in them and in their
if we lose faith in them and in their adolescent journey they’ll lose faith in
adolescent journey they’ll lose faith in
adolescent journey they’ll lose faith in themselves and in us dad needs to
themselves and in us dad needs to
themselves and in us dad needs to remember and focus on what a terrific
remember and focus on what a terrific
remember and focus on what a terrific kid Bo really is and make sure he
kid Bo really is and make sure he
kid Bo really is and make sure he conveys it to him authentically with his
conveys it to him authentically with his
conveys it to him authentically with his manner and with his tone and with his
manner and with his tone and with his
manner and with his tone and with his words the second thing that dad needs to
words the second thing that dad needs to
words the second thing that dad needs to do is stop trying to change in control
do is stop trying to change in control
do is stop trying to change in control bo why because changing a controlling Bo
bo why because changing a controlling Bo
bo why because changing a controlling Bo is Bo’s job dad needs to stop giving
is Bo’s job dad needs to stop giving
is Bo’s job dad needs to stop giving consequences for what bo does wrong and
consequences for what bo does wrong and
consequences for what bo does wrong and offer him privileges if and when he
offer him privileges if and when he
offer him privileges if and when he earns them and how does Bo earn them he
earns them and how does Bo earn them he
earns them and how does Bo earn them he does two things he has a good attitude
does two things he has a good attitude
does two things he has a good attitude demonstrating respect for and
demonstrating respect for and
demonstrating respect for and cooperation with his parents and second
cooperation with his parents and second
cooperation with his parents and second he manages responsibilities with his
he manages responsibilities with his
he manages responsibilities with his best effort bo doesn’t need to be
best effort bo doesn’t need to be
best effort bo doesn’t need to be perfect he needs to he needs to own his
perfect he needs to he needs to own his
perfect he needs to he needs to own his responsibilities he needs to show up and
responsibilities he needs to show up and
responsibilities he needs to show up and do his best let’s think about this dad
do his best let’s think about this dad
do his best let’s think about this dad had things upside down
had things upside down
had things upside down he was holding and communicating and
he was holding and communicating and
he was holding and communicating and negative vision of Bo and
negative vision of Bo and
negative vision of Bo and bo had privileges he clearly hadn’t
bo had privileges he clearly hadn’t
bo had privileges he clearly hadn’t earned when we take these two essential
earned when we take these two essential
earned when we take these two essential steps number one we make it clear that
steps number one we make it clear that
steps number one we make it clear that we believe in our kids and we’re on
we believe in our kids and we’re on
we believe in our kids and we’re on their side and number two that we’re
their side and number two that we’re
their side and number two that we’re happy for them to have plenty of
happy for them to have plenty of
happy for them to have plenty of privileges as long as they earn them and
privileges as long as they earn them and
privileges as long as they earn them and we hold to that our kids will make a big
we hold to that our kids will make a big
we hold to that our kids will make a big shift and the beast will be nowhere to
shift and the beast will be nowhere to
shift and the beast will be nowhere to be found
be found
be found so parents is there a beastly houseguest
so parents is there a beastly houseguest
so parents is there a beastly houseguest in your home if not great job keep it up
in your home if not great job keep it up
in your home if not great job keep it up if there is don’t worry you’ve got
if there is don’t worry you’ve got
if there is don’t worry you’ve got exactly what your kid needs the courage
exactly what your kid needs the courage
exactly what your kid needs the courage to believe in them and to expect their
to believe in them and to expect their
to believe in them and to expect their best and when you do you’re innately
best and when you do you’re innately
best and when you do you’re innately fabulous kid will learn grow and thrive
fabulous kid will learn grow and thrive
fabulous kid will learn grow and thrive and family life well family life without
and family life well family life without
and family life well family life without the Beast that is can be exactly what
the Beast that is can be exactly what
the Beast that is can be exactly what you hoped for all along
you hoped for all along
you hoped for all along [Applause]
”
Be First to Comment