[Music] I wonder what you first think when you
I wonder what you first think when you
I wonder what you first think when you see me perhaps it’s something about my
see me perhaps it’s something about my
see me perhaps it’s something about my curls people often mention them or what
curls people often mention them or what
curls people often mention them or what a dapper little man in my experience one
a dapper little man in my experience one
a dapper little man in my experience one of the first things people do is assume
of the first things people do is assume
of the first things people do is assume I’m a boy or aren’t sure whether I’m a
I’m a boy or aren’t sure whether I’m a
I’m a boy or aren’t sure whether I’m a girl or a boy we do this to everyone we
girl or a boy we do this to everyone we
girl or a boy we do this to everyone we assume what gender someone is based on
assume what gender someone is based on
assume what gender someone is based on how they look and if we can’t tell we
how they look and if we can’t tell we
how they look and if we can’t tell we get confused I say we because I do it
get confused I say we because I do it
get confused I say we because I do it too it’s ingrained our first decision
too it’s ingrained our first decision
too it’s ingrained our first decision and mostly unconscious but why
and mostly unconscious but why
and mostly unconscious but why well I’m Audrey and if we’re talking
well I’m Audrey and if we’re talking
well I’m Audrey and if we’re talking biology I’m female but I feel that it’s
biology I’m female but I feel that it’s
biology I’m female but I feel that it’s more complex than that
more complex than that
more complex than that for an entry point let’s look at my
for an entry point let’s look at my
for an entry point let’s look at my style as you can probably see I have a
style as you can probably see I have a
style as you can probably see I have a unique style but I wasn’t born wearing
unique style but I wasn’t born wearing
unique style but I wasn’t born wearing suits bowties and flamingo socks my
suits bowties and flamingo socks my
suits bowties and flamingo socks my style had to evolve and it will keep
style had to evolve and it will keep
style had to evolve and it will keep evolving and I think it gives some
evolving and I think it gives some
evolving and I think it gives some insight into my changing experience of
insight into my changing experience of
insight into my changing experience of gender here’s a photo of me before I
gender here’s a photo of me before I
gender here’s a photo of me before I started school wearing a Star Wars top a
started school wearing a Star Wars top a
started school wearing a Star Wars top a skirt and sneakers demonstrating to the
skirt and sneakers demonstrating to the
skirt and sneakers demonstrating to the world that I’m a girl
world that I’m a girl
world that I’m a girl it’s the skirt right we all know that
it’s the skirt right we all know that
it’s the skirt right we all know that sign so at this age I was just a girl
sign so at this age I was just a girl
sign so at this age I was just a girl who didn’t really care too much about
who didn’t really care too much about
who didn’t really care too much about what I want it was functional and varied
what I want it was functional and varied
what I want it was functional and varied this all took a different turn when I
this all took a different turn when I
this all took a different turn when I hit the age of five and started school I
hit the age of five and started school I
hit the age of five and started school I remember one of my first days at school
remember one of my first days at school
remember one of my first days at school and I was in the girls toilets when two
and I was in the girls toilets when two
and I was in the girls toilets when two girls I knew came near me and said look
girls I knew came near me and said look
girls I knew came near me and said look there’s a boy in here I looked over my
there’s a boy in here I looked over my
there’s a boy in here I looked over my shoulder but there was no one there so I
shoulder but there was no one there so I
shoulder but there was no one there so I asked them where I realized they meant
asked them where I realized they meant
asked them where I realized they meant me I was really shocked as I’d only ever
me I was really shocked as I’d only ever
me I was really shocked as I’d only ever really been around people who knew and
really been around people who knew and
really been around people who knew and understood me
understood me
understood me I felt upset and alienated eventually
I felt upset and alienated eventually
I felt upset and alienated eventually this misrecognition started happening in
this misrecognition started happening in
this misrecognition started happening in public bathrooms as well with adults
public bathrooms as well with adults
public bathrooms as well with adults assuming my gender often I would get
assuming my gender often I would get
assuming my gender often I would get things like why are you in here or wrong
things like why are you in here or wrong
things like why are you in here or wrong bathroom this eventually led to me being
bathroom this eventually led to me being
bathroom this eventually led to me being hesitant and tentative about even going
hesitant and tentative about even going
hesitant and tentative about even going to the bathroom in public mostly people
to the bathroom in public mostly people
to the bathroom in public mostly people didn’t actually say anything at all they
didn’t actually say anything at all they
didn’t actually say anything at all they just stared at me this felt and feels
just stared at me this felt and feels
just stared at me this felt and feels worse
worse
worse at school this happened increasingly
at school this happened increasingly
at school this happened increasingly often but while many people in that
often but while many people in that
often but while many people in that situation might have started dressing
situation might have started dressing
situation might have started dressing more typically female in dresses with
more typically female in dresses with
more typically female in dresses with long hair or bows I became more and more
long hair or bows I became more and more
long hair or bows I became more and more masculine presenting wearing what we
masculine presenting wearing what we
masculine presenting wearing what we considered to be boys clothes because in
considered to be boys clothes because in
considered to be boys clothes because in them I felt most authentically myself I
them I felt most authentically myself I
them I felt most authentically myself I was pretty adamant about just wearing
was pretty adamant about just wearing
was pretty adamant about just wearing male things what that meant to me was no
male things what that meant to me was no
male things what that meant to me was no pink or even purple or any form of dress
pink or even purple or any form of dress
pink or even purple or any form of dress skirt or even glitter and frills I
skirt or even glitter and frills I
skirt or even glitter and frills I didn’t think of myself as a boy but
didn’t think of myself as a boy but
didn’t think of myself as a boy but anything that was identified as female
anything that was identified as female
anything that was identified as female felt uncomfortable to me I adopted the
felt uncomfortable to me I adopted the
felt uncomfortable to me I adopted the label of tomboy which meant a girl that
label of tomboy which meant a girl that
label of tomboy which meant a girl that wore boys clothes and played with boys
wore boys clothes and played with boys
wore boys clothes and played with boys toys to me this avoided conflict tomboy
toys to me this avoided conflict tomboy
toys to me this avoided conflict tomboy is a common right even considered a
is a common right even considered a
is a common right even considered a stage as though will grow out of it my
stage as though will grow out of it my
stage as though will grow out of it my parents never fought my insistence on
parents never fought my insistence on
parents never fought my insistence on avoiding dresses they allowed me to
avoiding dresses they allowed me to
avoiding dresses they allowed me to choose what I wore because they believed
choose what I wore because they believed
choose what I wore because they believed had no bearing on who I was I started
had no bearing on who I was I started
had no bearing on who I was I started wearing shirts and bow ties to any
wearing shirts and bow ties to any
wearing shirts and bow ties to any slightly formal event here’s a photo of
slightly formal event here’s a photo of
slightly formal event here’s a photo of me at 6:00 wearing a bowtie are made out
me at 6:00 wearing a bowtie are made out
me at 6:00 wearing a bowtie are made out of paper because dad was wearing his
of paper because dad was wearing his
of paper because dad was wearing his fabric one as for my experience in
fabric one as for my experience in
fabric one as for my experience in bathrooms I tried to avoid the problem
bathrooms I tried to avoid the problem
bathrooms I tried to avoid the problem by waiting until people left before I
by waiting until people left before I
by waiting until people left before I went in because otherwise I’d feel
went in because otherwise I’d feel
went in because otherwise I’d feel trapped until about the age of nine when
trapped until about the age of nine when
trapped until about the age of nine when someone mistook me for a boy I would
someone mistook me for a boy I would
someone mistook me for a boy I would reply confidently that I’m a girl but
reply confidently that I’m a girl but
reply confidently that I’m a girl but eventually it stopped feeling right
eventually it stopped feeling right
eventually it stopped feeling right instead of gaining confidence the more
instead of gaining confidence the more
instead of gaining confidence the more it happened I lost it girl didn’t feel
it happened I lost it girl didn’t feel
it happened I lost it girl didn’t feel right but boy didn’t feel correct either
right but boy didn’t feel correct either
right but boy didn’t feel correct either so what did I want I’m not sure I really
so what did I want I’m not sure I really
so what did I want I’m not sure I really knew at the time my friends started
knew at the time my friends started
knew at the time my friends started getting more and more into sports but I
getting more and more into sports but I
getting more and more into sports but I was never sporty I was a bookworm if I
was never sporty I was a bookworm if I
was never sporty I was a bookworm if I were a boy people would probably have
were a boy people would probably have
were a boy people would probably have said I was a sensitive one they don’t
said I was a sensitive one they don’t
said I was a sensitive one they don’t tend to use that term as much for girls
tend to use that term as much for girls
tend to use that term as much for girls because it’s what’s expected so I
because it’s what’s expected so I
because it’s what’s expected so I started hanging out with a group of
started hanging out with a group of
started hanging out with a group of girls this didn’t really alter my style
girls this didn’t really alter my style
girls this didn’t really alter my style more my attitude to the word
more my attitude to the word
more my attitude to the word tomboy which I grew to dislike I started
tomboy which I grew to dislike I started
tomboy which I grew to dislike I started to realize I could still be a girl and
to realize I could still be a girl and
to realize I could still be a girl and we’re typically male things
we’re typically male things
we’re typically male things in my mind I was still a girl because I
in my mind I was still a girl because I
in my mind I was still a girl because I didn’t feel like a boy at the age of
didn’t feel like a boy at the age of
didn’t feel like a boy at the age of eight I traveled with my parents and the
eight I traveled with my parents and the
eight I traveled with my parents and the cast of our film 52 Tuesdays to the
cast of our film 52 Tuesdays to the
cast of our film 52 Tuesdays to the Berlin International Film Festival 52
Berlin International Film Festival 52
Berlin International Film Festival 52 Tuesdays was partly about a mum
Tuesdays was partly about a mum
Tuesdays was partly about a mum transitioning from female to male
transitioning from female to male
transitioning from female to male I imagine some of you are thinking oh no
I imagine some of you are thinking oh no
I imagine some of you are thinking oh no Audra just got this gender confusion
Audra just got this gender confusion
Audra just got this gender confusion from her parents filmmaking but this
from her parents filmmaking but this
from her parents filmmaking but this gender questioning happened before they
gender questioning happened before they
gender questioning happened before they started considering it and they say I’ve
started considering it and they say I’ve
started considering it and they say I’ve taught them as much about this as
taught them as much about this as
taught them as much about this as they’ve taught me anyway
they’ve taught me anyway
they’ve taught me anyway in Berlin I met Bart Bart Ward rapey
in Berlin I met Bart Bart Ward rapey
in Berlin I met Bart Bart Ward rapey black materials high-heeled boots nail
black materials high-heeled boots nail
black materials high-heeled boots nail polish and eyeliner but he wasn’t
polish and eyeliner but he wasn’t
polish and eyeliner but he wasn’t dressed as a woman this demonstrated to
dressed as a woman this demonstrated to
dressed as a woman this demonstrated to me that I could be flamboyant and
me that I could be flamboyant and
me that I could be flamboyant and androgynous with my style that my love
androgynous with my style that my love
androgynous with my style that my love of bowties didn’t need to exclude
of bowties didn’t need to exclude
of bowties didn’t need to exclude anything traditionally female that year
anything traditionally female that year
anything traditionally female that year when the film won the crystal bear Youth
when the film won the crystal bear Youth
when the film won the crystal bear Youth jury award I took to the red carpet in
jury award I took to the red carpet in
jury award I took to the red carpet in eyeliner and nail polish here’s a photo
eyeliner and nail polish here’s a photo
eyeliner and nail polish here’s a photo of me that night note the bow tie I
of me that night note the bow tie I
of me that night note the bow tie I started to think of gender as something
started to think of gender as something
started to think of gender as something more dynamic gender was not your
more dynamic gender was not your
more dynamic gender was not your genitals or even what you wore or acted
genitals or even what you wore or acted
genitals or even what you wore or acted like and maybe it wasn’t fixed I’m going
like and maybe it wasn’t fixed I’m going
like and maybe it wasn’t fixed I’m going to take a second to pose a question to
to take a second to pose a question to
to take a second to pose a question to you why does it matter to you whether I
you why does it matter to you whether I
you why does it matter to you whether I am a boy or a girl and if you think it
am a boy or a girl and if you think it
am a boy or a girl and if you think it doesn’t I’m gonna really ask you to stop
doesn’t I’m gonna really ask you to stop
doesn’t I’m gonna really ask you to stop and think have you ever come across
and think have you ever come across
and think have you ever come across someone whose gender you just can’t
someone whose gender you just can’t
someone whose gender you just can’t place have you wanted to know even if
place have you wanted to know even if
place have you wanted to know even if you don’t care either way have you
you don’t care either way have you
you don’t care either way have you wanted to know what they are for those
wanted to know what they are for those
wanted to know what they are for those of you who say no I’m totally
of you who say no I’m totally
of you who say no I’m totally comfortable not knowing I don’t need he
comfortable not knowing I don’t need he
comfortable not knowing I don’t need he or she when talking about them I just
or she when talking about them I just
or she when talking about them I just treat them as a human without any gender
treat them as a human without any gender
treat them as a human without any gender identify it well that’s impressive it’s
identify it well that’s impressive it’s
identify it well that’s impressive it’s hard to do just try and talk about
hard to do just try and talk about
hard to do just try and talk about someone for a minute without using
someone for a minute without using
someone for a minute without using gendered terms it’s really difficult
gendered terms it’s really difficult
gendered terms it’s really difficult this is Audrey Audrey is a young person
this is Audrey Audrey is a young person
this is Audrey Audrey is a young person who doesn’t identify as any gender
who doesn’t identify as any gender
who doesn’t identify as any gender Audrey writes stories and they love
Audrey writes stories and they love
Audrey writes stories and they love writing Audrey loves writing not the
writing Audrey loves writing not the
writing Audrey loves writing not the stories love writing oops it’s hard for
stories love writing oops it’s hard for
stories love writing oops it’s hard for all of us we want to know because of our
all of us we want to know because of our
all of us we want to know because of our language and also in my experience it’s
language and also in my experience it’s
language and also in my experience it’s because we treat men boys differently to
because we treat men boys differently to
because we treat men boys differently to women and girls and we want to know how
women and girls and we want to know how
women and girls and we want to know how to treat them
to treat them
to treat them sometimes I’m glad that people mistake
sometimes I’m glad that people mistake
sometimes I’m glad that people mistake me for a boy because I get to have real
me for a boy because I get to have real
me for a boy because I get to have real conversations with people they ask me
conversations with people they ask me
conversations with people they ask me about my future and we talk about what I
about my future and we talk about what I
about my future and we talk about what I want to do often when they find out I’m
want to do often when they find out I’m
want to do often when they find out I’m not a boy they don’t know how to treat
not a boy they don’t know how to treat
not a boy they don’t know how to treat me my friends who show more outward
me my friends who show more outward
me my friends who show more outward signs of being girls often get called
signs of being girls often get called
signs of being girls often get called things like sweetheart or darling or
things like sweetheart or darling or
things like sweetheart or darling or love people comment on how pretty they
love people comment on how pretty they
love people comment on how pretty they are recently when I traveled overseas I
are recently when I traveled overseas I
are recently when I traveled overseas I noticed a trend of gender neutral or all
noticed a trend of gender neutral or all
noticed a trend of gender neutral or all gender public bathrooms which makes me
gender public bathrooms which makes me
gender public bathrooms which makes me feel so relieved having that choice
feel so relieved having that choice
feel so relieved having that choice makes me love going to the pasture in
makes me love going to the pasture in
makes me love going to the pasture in public and I love that I don’t have to
public and I love that I don’t have to
public and I love that I don’t have to tell anyone what genitalia I own here’s
tell anyone what genitalia I own here’s
tell anyone what genitalia I own here’s a photo of me in my Sparkle pants as I
a photo of me in my Sparkle pants as I
a photo of me in my Sparkle pants as I call them they really added flare to my
call them they really added flare to my
call them they really added flare to my style and they also really confuse some
style and they also really confuse some
style and they also really confuse some people about whether I am a boy or even
people about whether I am a boy or even
people about whether I am a boy or even possibly make them uncomfortable because
possibly make them uncomfortable because
possibly make them uncomfortable because I seem like a very flamboyant or even
I seem like a very flamboyant or even
I seem like a very flamboyant or even girly boy though I don’t think this is
girly boy though I don’t think this is
girly boy though I don’t think this is always easy I’m so happy with the
always easy I’m so happy with the
always easy I’m so happy with the choices I made when I was younger to
choices I made when I was younger to
choices I made when I was younger to wear what made me feel good and that I
wear what made me feel good and that I
wear what made me feel good and that I felt expressed me because I think I
felt expressed me because I think I
felt expressed me because I think I would be a much unhappy a kid otherwise
would be a much unhappy a kid otherwise
would be a much unhappy a kid otherwise I still get called a boy in public
I still get called a boy in public
I still get called a boy in public situations but in terms of bathrooms I
situations but in terms of bathrooms I
situations but in terms of bathrooms I try to go to the all gender or unisex
try to go to the all gender or unisex
try to go to the all gender or unisex ones or if I can’t I go to the disabled
ones or if I can’t I go to the disabled
ones or if I can’t I go to the disabled toilets although I do still use the
toilets although I do still use the
toilets although I do still use the girls lose in school and sometimes in
girls lose in school and sometimes in
girls lose in school and sometimes in public using the girls toilets I never
public using the girls toilets I never
public using the girls toilets I never feel good and I still have a tendency to
feel good and I still have a tendency to
feel good and I still have a tendency to go with someone else although I’m not
go with someone else although I’m not
go with someone else although I’m not labeled as a particular gender when I go
labeled as a particular gender when I go
labeled as a particular gender when I go to the disabled toilets I don’t feel
to the disabled toilets I don’t feel
to the disabled toilets I don’t feel great still because it just reminds me
great still because it just reminds me
great still because it just reminds me that there are mostly no toilets for
that there are mostly no toilets for
that there are mostly no toilets for people like me who don’t identify within
people like me who don’t identify within
people like me who don’t identify within the gender binary and that toilets are
the gender binary and that toilets are
the gender binary and that toilets are just another way we categorize people my
just another way we categorize people my
just another way we categorize people my style has evolved drastically since the
style has evolved drastically since the
style has evolved drastically since the Star Wars t-shirts and skirts of my
Star Wars t-shirts and skirts of my
Star Wars t-shirts and skirts of my early childhood and I think it has a lot
early childhood and I think it has a lot
early childhood and I think it has a lot to say about how I now appreciate and
to say about how I now appreciate and
to say about how I now appreciate and consider gender I’ve realized that for
consider gender I’ve realized that for
consider gender I’ve realized that for me gender is a spectrum what my gender
me gender is a spectrum what my gender
me gender is a spectrum what my gender expression and identity is is entirely
expression and identity is is entirely
expression and identity is is entirely about me and not about how other people
about me and not about how other people
about me and not about how other people perceive me I don’t know how we deal
perceive me I don’t know how we deal
perceive me I don’t know how we deal with that in a world so desperate to
with that in a world so desperate to
with that in a world so desperate to by gender I’m gonna leave you with that
by gender I’m gonna leave you with that
by gender I’m gonna leave you with that same question why does it matter to you
same question why does it matter to you
same question why does it matter to you whether I am a boy or a girl or that I
whether I am a boy or a girl or that I
whether I am a boy or a girl or that I am in the wrong bathroom does it really
am in the wrong bathroom does it really
am in the wrong bathroom does it really matter to you which bathroom I use
matter to you which bathroom I use
matter to you which bathroom I use because it does matter to me would it
because it does matter to me would it
because it does matter to me would it hurt you not to know someone’s gender
hurt you not to know someone’s gender
hurt you not to know someone’s gender because despite how uncomfortable it
because despite how uncomfortable it
because despite how uncomfortable it might make you feel you assuming my
might make you feel you assuming my
might make you feel you assuming my gender makes me feel uncomfortable
gender makes me feel uncomfortable
gender makes me feel uncomfortable everyday all I’m asking is for you to
everyday all I’m asking is for you to
everyday all I’m asking is for you to just sit with that little bit of
just sit with that little bit of
just sit with that little bit of uncomfortable to make someone else feel
uncomfortable to make someone else feel
uncomfortable to make someone else feel better because it does matter to me it
better because it does matter to me it
better because it does matter to me it matters to me when I walk down the hall
matters to me when I walk down the hall
matters to me when I walk down the hall with my friends and you say hey girls
with my friends and you say hey girls
with my friends and you say hey girls but it doesn’t mean that I want you to
but it doesn’t mean that I want you to
but it doesn’t mean that I want you to make amends I don’t hold my brothers but
make amends I don’t hold my brothers but
make amends I don’t hold my brothers but every time you say that it smudges my
every time you say that it smudges my
every time you say that it smudges my happy thoughts into undefinable world’s
happy thoughts into undefinable world’s
happy thoughts into undefinable world’s it matters to me when you say I’m a
it matters to me when you say I’m a
it matters to me when you say I’m a handsome lad because while you may be
handsome lad because while you may be
handsome lad because while you may be complimenting it makes me question my
complimenting it makes me question my
complimenting it makes me question my inner vision of myself so strangers sit
inner vision of myself so strangers sit
inner vision of myself so strangers sit uncomfortably while I tell you how my
uncomfortably while I tell you how my
uncomfortably while I tell you how my gender ranges from day to day sometimes
gender ranges from day to day sometimes
gender ranges from day to day sometimes neutral sometimes fluid sometimes gentle
neutral sometimes fluid sometimes gentle
neutral sometimes fluid sometimes gentle sometimes fierce it doesn’t make me a
sometimes fierce it doesn’t make me a
sometimes fierce it doesn’t make me a boy but it doesn’t mean that I’m
boy but it doesn’t mean that I’m
boy but it doesn’t mean that I’m realigning and I don’t want to be
realigning and I don’t want to be
realigning and I don’t want to be redefining what it means to be a girl
redefining what it means to be a girl
redefining what it means to be a girl because I’m not a girl so it does matter
because I’m not a girl so it does matter
because I’m not a girl so it does matter to me
to me
to me [Applause]
”
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