let me ask you a question is anybody wearing a costume you don’t have to
wearing a costume you don’t have to
wearing a costume you don’t have to raise your hands I don’t see anyone in
raise your hands I don’t see anyone in
raise your hands I don’t see anyone in the audience wearing a clown costume
the audience wearing a clown costume
the audience wearing a clown costume that’s probably a good thing but there
that’s probably a good thing but there
that’s probably a good thing but there are costumes that make us blend in with
are costumes that make us blend in with
are costumes that make us blend in with rather than standing out of the crowd
okay so humans have worn costumes for
okay so humans have worn costumes for thousands of years actors wear costumes
thousands of years actors wear costumes
thousands of years actors wear costumes for performances on stage and on the
for performances on stage and on the
for performances on stage and on the screen people wear costumes and parades
screen people wear costumes and parades
screen people wear costumes and parades sporting events to celebrate their
sporting events to celebrate their
sporting events to celebrate their cultural and historic heritage for
cultural and historic heritage for
cultural and historic heritage for religious ceremonies and of course
religious ceremonies and of course
religious ceremonies and of course children and adults love to wear
children and adults love to wear
children and adults love to wear costumes on Halloween now when we put on
costumes on Halloween now when we put on
costumes on Halloween now when we put on a costume it can give us this Vic arias
a costume it can give us this Vic arias
a costume it can give us this Vic arias thrill of temporarily being someone or
thrill of temporarily being someone or
thrill of temporarily being someone or something other than our true selves but
something other than our true selves but
something other than our true selves but we can put a costume on as a front to
we can put a costume on as a front to
we can put a costume on as a front to keep our true selves hidden from those
keep our true selves hidden from those
keep our true selves hidden from those around us and if we leave this costume
around us and if we leave this costume
around us and if we leave this costume on for too long we can lose touch with
on for too long we can lose touch with
on for too long we can lose touch with who we really are so that’s the story of
who we really are so that’s the story of
who we really are so that’s the story of most of my life until I underwent gender
most of my life until I underwent gender
most of my life until I underwent gender transition two years ago so going back
transition two years ago so going back
transition two years ago so going back as far as I can remember I was told that
as far as I can remember I was told that
as far as I can remember I was told that I was a boy no one asked me no one asked
I was a boy no one asked me no one asked
I was a boy no one asked me no one asked me what I felt inside and when when I
me what I felt inside and when when I
me what I felt inside and when when I was very young I was more comfortable in
was very young I was more comfortable in
was very young I was more comfortable in the company of girls new boys were
the company of girls new boys were
the company of girls new boys were aggressive and competitive and that just
aggressive and competitive and that just
aggressive and competitive and that just was not my nature I was more comfortable
was not my nature I was more comfortable
was not my nature I was more comfortable wearing girls clothes i would take my
wearing girls clothes i would take my
wearing girls clothes i would take my sisters and my mother’s clothes and wear
sisters and my mother’s clothes and wear
sisters and my mother’s clothes and wear them but I learned early on that for a
them but I learned early on that for a
them but I learned early on that for a boy to do that it was shameful and
boy to do that it was shameful and
boy to do that it was shameful and people would make fun of you so I
people would make fun of you so I
people would make fun of you so I learned the kind of behavior that was
learned the kind of behavior that was
learned the kind of behavior that was expected of me what I was supposed to
expected of me what I was supposed to
expected of me what I was supposed to say and and do and be so for my
say and and do and be so for my
say and and do and be so for my childhood I wore the costume of a boy
childhood I wore the costume of a boy
childhood I wore the costume of a boy and as I matured in in adolescence and I
and as I matured in in adolescence and I
and as I matured in in adolescence and I started reading articles about as they
started reading articles about as they
started reading articles about as they were called back then transsexual women
were called back then transsexual women
were called back then transsexual women and and I saw these pictures of
and and I saw these pictures of
and and I saw these pictures of beautiful women who were identified as
beautiful women who were identified as
beautiful women who were identified as having been born as boys and I thought
having been born as boys and I thought
having been born as boys and I thought is that what I am and I graduated from
is that what I am and I graduated from
is that what I am and I graduated from college I didn’t know where I was going
college I didn’t know where I was going
college I didn’t know where I was going to go who I was what I was going to be
to go who I was what I was going to be
to go who I was what I was going to be so I took the most logical step for a
so I took the most logical step for a
so I took the most logical step for a confused young transgender person I
confused young transgender person I
confused young transgender person I joined the Navy yes I came to newport
joined the Navy yes I came to newport
joined the Navy yes I came to newport rhode island I went to Officer Candidate
rhode island I went to Officer Candidate
rhode island I went to Officer Candidate School I was commissioned as an officer
School I was commissioned as an officer
School I was commissioned as an officer in the Navy and for many people a
in the Navy and for many people a
in the Navy and for many people a military uniform is an authentic
military uniform is an authentic
military uniform is an authentic expression of their ideas and values and
expression of their ideas and values and
expression of their ideas and values and aspirations but for me that uniform was
aspirations but for me that uniform was
aspirations but for me that uniform was a costume an ill-fitting costume at that
a costume an ill-fitting costume at that
a costume an ill-fitting costume at that I mean my hats crooked and I served on a
I mean my hats crooked and I served on a
I mean my hats crooked and I served on a ship with several hundred men the most
ship with several hundred men the most
ship with several hundred men the most hyper masculine environment you can
hyper masculine environment you can
hyper masculine environment you can imagine and so I was absolutely
imagine and so I was absolutely
imagine and so I was absolutely miserable so after four years of hell I
miserable so after four years of hell I
miserable so after four years of hell I got out of the Navy and a few years
got out of the Navy and a few years
got out of the Navy and a few years later I met a met a wonderful woman and
later I met a met a wonderful woman and
later I met a met a wonderful woman and [Music]
[Music]
[Music] it works now who fell in love and got
it works now who fell in love and got
it works now who fell in love and got married and we had one daughter and then
married and we had one daughter and then
married and we had one daughter and then another daughter
another daughter
another daughter and you know I I had this wonderful
and you know I I had this wonderful
and you know I I had this wonderful family a big house a really nice
family a big house a really nice
family a big house a really nice lifestyle you know it was perfect it was
lifestyle you know it was perfect it was
lifestyle you know it was perfect it was everybody’s dream so I should have been
everybody’s dream so I should have been
everybody’s dream so I should have been happy right but I was miserable and at
happy right but I was miserable and at
happy right but I was miserable and at one point I fell into the abyss I sank
one point I fell into the abyss I sank
one point I fell into the abyss I sank into this deep depression and I became
into this deep depression and I became
into this deep depression and I became suicidal when I was finally so morose
suicidal when I was finally so morose
suicidal when I was finally so morose that I was intolerable to be around my
that I was intolerable to be around my
that I was intolerable to be around my wife made me get help I went to a
wife made me get help I went to a
wife made me get help I went to a psychiatrist she wasn’t a very good
psychiatrist she wasn’t a very good
psychiatrist she wasn’t a very good therapist and the talk didn’t really do
therapist and the talk didn’t really do
therapist and the talk didn’t really do anything for me but she did prescribe
anything for me but she did prescribe
anything for me but she did prescribe antidepressants and that probably saved
antidepressants and that probably saved
antidepressants and that probably saved my life but I was on any depressants for
my life but I was on any depressants for
my life but I was on any depressants for a few years I was in a fog much of the
a few years I was in a fog much of the
a few years I was in a fog much of the time in a few years later my life took a
time in a few years later my life took a
time in a few years later my life took a dramatic turn I early on was on the
dramatic turn I early on was on the
dramatic turn I early on was on the internet I’ve always been a geek so
internet I’ve always been a geek so
internet I’ve always been a geek so originally I got on these Usenet groups
originally I got on these Usenet groups
originally I got on these Usenet groups and found out about people with gender
and found out about people with gender
and found out about people with gender identity issues and then in the early
identity issues and then in the early
identity issues and then in the early days of the web or phone before Facebook
days of the web or phone before Facebook
days of the web or phone before Facebook and Instagram and Twitter there were the
and Instagram and Twitter there were the
and Instagram and Twitter there were the precursor social media sites like geo
precursor social media sites like geo
precursor social media sites like geo cities and Firefly where you could I
cities and Firefly where you could I
cities and Firefly where you could I establish an online presence and connect
establish an online presence and connect
establish an online presence and connect in a community with other people like
in a community with other people like
in a community with other people like yourself although I wasn’t really sure
yourself although I wasn’t really sure
yourself although I wasn’t really sure what like myself meant back then and
what like myself meant back then and
what like myself meant back then and most of the people I was connecting with
most of the people I was connecting with
most of the people I was connecting with identified as cross vessels men but who
identified as cross vessels men but who
identified as cross vessels men but who like to wear women’s clothing and as I
like to wear women’s clothing and as I
like to wear women’s clothing and as I got more and more involved in this I
got more and more involved in this I
got more and more involved in this I connected with someone who invited me to
connected with someone who invited me to
connected with someone who invited me to come out though to Denver for a weekend
come out though to Denver for a weekend
come out though to Denver for a weekend and and she took me clothes shopping and
and and she took me clothes shopping and
and and she took me clothes shopping and we went to this salon that specialized
we went to this salon that specialized
we went to this salon that specialized in doing male to female transformations
in doing male to female transformations
in doing male to female transformations and we spent this weekend you know
and we spent this weekend you know
and we spent this weekend you know shopping and clubbing and makeovers and
shopping and clubbing and makeovers and
shopping and clubbing and makeovers and it was wonderful and a week later I mean
it was wonderful and a week later I mean
it was wonderful and a week later I mean I could not keep this to myself I came
I could not keep this to myself I came
I could not keep this to myself I came out
out
out my wife told her that I didn’t go on a
my wife told her that I didn’t go on a
my wife told her that I didn’t go on a business trip where I told her why
business trip where I told her why
business trip where I told her why really was and she was of course not
really was and she was of course not
really was and she was of course not very happy but after we talked about
very happy but after we talked about
very happy but after we talked about this she agreed to tolerated as long as
this she agreed to tolerated as long as
this she agreed to tolerated as long as I kept this away from the children and
I kept this away from the children and
I kept this away from the children and our friends and neighbors didn’t know
our friends and neighbors didn’t know
our friends and neighbors didn’t know about it so I got a really obsessed with
about it so I got a really obsessed with
about it so I got a really obsessed with this and I joined a support group and
this and I joined a support group and
this and I joined a support group and every time I would travel for work I
every time I would travel for work I
every time I would travel for work I would know take clothes with me and go
would know take clothes with me and go
would know take clothes with me and go out dressed up and went to all these
out dressed up and went to all these
out dressed up and went to all these gender events and gender event is like a
gender events and gender event is like a
gender events and gender event is like a Kiwanis convention except everyone is
Kiwanis convention except everyone is
Kiwanis convention except everyone is transgendered and so this this is a
transgendered and so this this is a
transgendered and so this this is a photo of me at one of those i’m i’m the
photo of me at one of those i’m i’m the
photo of me at one of those i’m i’m the person in the middle there in the blonde
person in the middle there in the blonde
person in the middle there in the blonde wig and the leather miniskirt I don’t
wig and the leather miniskirt I don’t
wig and the leather miniskirt I don’t wear leather miniskirts anymore although
wear leather miniskirts anymore although
wear leather miniskirts anymore although if I still had legs like that I might
if I still had legs like that I might
if I still had legs like that I might and about a year into this I had this
and about a year into this I had this
and about a year into this I had this epiphany you know i was i was around all
epiphany you know i was i was around all
epiphany you know i was i was around all these cross dressed and say I’m they
these cross dressed and say I’m they
these cross dressed and say I’m they were wonderful people but I really
were wonderful people but I really
were wonderful people but I really wasn’t like them for me it was not about
wasn’t like them for me it was not about
wasn’t like them for me it was not about getting dressed up I didn’t get any kind
getting dressed up I didn’t get any kind
getting dressed up I didn’t get any kind of you know I wasn’t turned on by
of you know I wasn’t turned on by
of you know I wasn’t turned on by wearing a dress any more than any other
wearing a dress any more than any other
wearing a dress any more than any other woman for me it was taking off the
woman for me it was taking off the
woman for me it was taking off the costume when I took off that male
costume when I took off that male
costume when I took off that male costume that I was wearing I experienced
costume that I was wearing I experienced
costume that I was wearing I experienced a Norfolk appealing of authenticity and
a Norfolk appealing of authenticity and
a Norfolk appealing of authenticity and I explored my gender identity I went to
I explored my gender identity I went to
I explored my gender identity I went to a therapist and and I realized that I
a therapist and and I realized that I
a therapist and and I realized that I was on this inevitable path toward
was on this inevitable path toward
was on this inevitable path toward transitioning and then the 2001 I had
transitioning and then the 2001 I had
transitioning and then the 2001 I had this crisis I i realized i was about to
this crisis I i realized i was about to
this crisis I i realized i was about to lose my wife my children my my job my
lose my wife my children my my job my
lose my wife my children my my job my friends everything that meant anything
friends everything that meant anything
friends everything that meant anything to me and I got scared and after a
to me and I got scared and after a
to me and I got scared and after a series of anxiety attacks I told myself
series of anxiety attacks I told myself
series of anxiety attacks I told myself I was not going to do this anymore that
I was not going to do this anymore that
I was not going to do this anymore that I could live a normal life that I could
I could live a normal life that I could
I could live a normal life that I could be a husband and father a guy to all my
be a husband and father a guy to all my
be a husband and father a guy to all my friends to do the things that were
friends to do the things that were
friends to do the things that were expected to me that I could wear the
expected to me that I could wear the
expected to me that I could wear the costume
costume
costume at first it was I had this enormous
at first it was I had this enormous
at first it was I had this enormous feeling of relief that and you know that
feeling of relief that and you know that
feeling of relief that and you know that I was going to be able to do this but
I was going to be able to do this but
I was going to be able to do this but then the anxiety and the depression
then the anxiety and the depression
then the anxiety and the depression returned and I found solace in in
returned and I found solace in in
returned and I found solace in in playing music I was a bass player in a
playing music I was a bass player in a
playing music I was a bass player in a band and in 2011 we were hired to do
band and in 2011 we were hired to do
band and in 2011 we were hired to do this gig at a Halloween party and I was
this gig at a Halloween party and I was
this gig at a Halloween party and I was wondering what I was going to wear for a
wondering what I was going to wear for a
wondering what I was going to wear for a costume and then it hit me my band used
costume and then it hit me my band used
costume and then it hit me my band used to do a song that I wrote called Sarah
to do a song that I wrote called Sarah
to do a song that I wrote called Sarah Palin and I said I’m gonna go with Sarah
Palin and I said I’m gonna go with Sarah
Palin and I said I’m gonna go with Sarah Palin so I went to a thrift store and
Palin so I went to a thrift store and
Palin so I went to a thrift store and found a sarah palin outfit and I found a
found a sarah palin outfit and I found a
found a sarah palin outfit and I found a sarah palin wig on ebay and this was the
sarah palin wig on ebay and this was the
sarah palin wig on ebay and this was the first time i had put on female clothing
first time i had put on female clothing
first time i had put on female clothing in 10 years now the the guys in my band
in 10 years now the the guys in my band
in 10 years now the the guys in my band sensed that I was a little bit too
sensed that I was a little bit too
sensed that I was a little bit too comfortable and it made them
comfortable and it made them
comfortable and it made them uncomfortable but that night on the
uncomfortable but that night on the
uncomfortable but that night on the stage I had this feeling of just you
stage I had this feeling of just you
stage I had this feeling of just you know it was it was such a wonderful
know it was it was such a wonderful
know it was it was such a wonderful feeling I felt like I was myself I mean
feeling I felt like I was myself I mean
feeling I felt like I was myself I mean I don’t mean Sarah Palin but I you know
I don’t mean Sarah Palin but I you know
I don’t mean Sarah Palin but I you know that I I was wearing a costume it was a
that I I was wearing a costume it was a
that I I was wearing a costume it was a silly costume for Halloween but at the
silly costume for Halloween but at the
silly costume for Halloween but at the same time I was taking off a costume so
same time I was taking off a costume so
same time I was taking off a costume so I started dressing up again I was only
I started dressing up again I was only
I started dressing up again I was only doing it occasionally but this was the
doing it occasionally but this was the
doing it occasionally but this was the first time I had done this in 10 years
first time I had done this in 10 years
first time I had done this in 10 years and the damn had had broken the decade
and the damn had had broken the decade
and the damn had had broken the decade long period of repression that I live
long period of repression that I live
long period of repression that I live drew was is coming to an end so two
drew was is coming to an end so two
drew was is coming to an end so two years after that my friend and I were
years after that my friend and I were
years after that my friend and I were going to this halloween party halloween
going to this halloween party halloween
going to this halloween party halloween again and at Brown University and we
again and at Brown University and we
again and at Brown University and we were thinking about what kind of costume
were thinking about what kind of costume
were thinking about what kind of costume we were going to wear so a few weeks
we were going to wear so a few weeks
we were going to wear so a few weeks before Halloween we go to one of those
before Halloween we go to one of those
before Halloween we go to one of those pop-up Halloween stores and I pick up
pop-up Halloween stores and I pick up
pop-up Halloween stores and I pick up this wig and this really cool long black
this wig and this really cool long black
this wig and this really cool long black wig with green and purple sparkly
wig with green and purple sparkly
wig with green and purple sparkly strands and
strands and
strands and and I said to my friend I’m going to get
and I said to my friend I’m going to get
and I said to my friend I’m going to get this wig and she said so what are you
this wig and she said so what are you
this wig and she said so what are you going to be and I said well I’ll be a
going to be and I said well I’ll be a
going to be and I said well I’ll be a witch so we had a mutual friend coming
witch so we had a mutual friend coming
witch so we had a mutual friend coming up from New York and she told our friend
up from New York and she told our friend
up from New York and she told our friend about our plans and told her that I was
about our plans and told her that I was
about our plans and told her that I was going to be a witch so our friend said
going to be a witch so our friend said
going to be a witch so our friend said oh I’ll get up there early so I can help
oh I’ll get up there early so I can help
oh I’ll get up there early so I can help him with this makeup so by the time she
him with this makeup so by the time she
him with this makeup so by the time she got to her house she comes in the
got to her house she comes in the
got to her house she comes in the bathroom and finds me with my makeup
bathroom and finds me with my makeup
bathroom and finds me with my makeup already perfectly applied and she looked
already perfectly applied and she looked
already perfectly applied and she looked at me kind of suspicious so the next
at me kind of suspicious so the next
at me kind of suspicious so the next morning we’re the breakfast table and my
morning we’re the breakfast table and my
morning we’re the breakfast table and my two girlfriends they’re not going to to
two girlfriends they’re not going to to
two girlfriends they’re not going to to let me off the hook and they insisted on
let me off the hook and they insisted on
let me off the hook and they insisted on knowing where I learned to put on makeup
knowing where I learned to put on makeup
knowing where I learned to put on makeup so I told them my life story as I’ve
so I told them my life story as I’ve
so I told them my life story as I’ve been telling it to you and as he’s words
been telling it to you and as he’s words
been telling it to you and as he’s words were coming out of me and tears were
were coming out of me and tears were
were coming out of me and tears were flowing down my face and I said to them
flowing down my face and I said to them
flowing down my face and I said to them no I have been living a lie my entire
no I have been living a lie my entire
no I have been living a lie my entire life I cannot go on one more day doing
life I cannot go on one more day doing
life I cannot go on one more day doing this that was november first 2013 the
this that was november first 2013 the
this that was november first 2013 the day i began my transition so i began a
day i began my transition so i began a
day i began my transition so i began a year-long process of taking all the
year-long process of taking all the
year-long process of taking all the steps to transition medically and
steps to transition medically and
steps to transition medically and socially professionally legally and one
socially professionally legally and one
socially professionally legally and one year later this picture was taken
year later this picture was taken
year later this picture was taken October thirty-first 2014 this is the
October thirty-first 2014 this is the
October thirty-first 2014 this is the last day that I went to work as my old
last day that I went to work as my old
last day that I went to work as my old self now it just happened to be
self now it just happened to be
self now it just happened to be Halloween I did not choose that day it’s
Halloween I did not choose that day it’s
Halloween I did not choose that day it’s just I I work for the government and my
just I I work for the government and my
just I I work for the government and my transition had to be very carefully
transition had to be very carefully
transition had to be very carefully orchestrated around changing you know
orchestrated around changing you know
orchestrated around changing you know email addresses and all this kind of
email addresses and all this kind of
email addresses and all this kind of stuff and it always was orchestrated
stuff and it always was orchestrated
stuff and it always was orchestrated around the day of my legal name change
around the day of my legal name change
around the day of my legal name change so it just happened to be Halloween but
so it just happened to be Halloween but
so it just happened to be Halloween but it was very appropriate because here I
it was very appropriate because here I
it was very appropriate because here I am going to work wearing a mask a
am going to work wearing a mask a
am going to work wearing a mask a costume I went to work dressed as a guy
costume I went to work dressed as a guy
costume I went to work dressed as a guy on casual Friday but it was not me
on casual Friday but it was not me
on casual Friday but it was not me when I returned to work I finally came
when I returned to work I finally came
when I returned to work I finally came as my real self and my transition has
as my real self and my transition has
as my real self and my transition has been very it’s it’s gone exceedingly
been very it’s it’s gone exceedingly
been very it’s it’s gone exceedingly well I’m very fortunate because many
well I’m very fortunate because many
well I’m very fortunate because many transgender people have problems with
transgender people have problems with
transgender people have problems with employment and discrimination and I’ve
employment and discrimination and I’ve
employment and discrimination and I’ve been very very lucky I did lose a few
been very very lucky I did lose a few
been very very lucky I did lose a few people along the way some friends and
people along the way some friends and
people along the way some friends and family members who were not able to
family members who were not able to
family members who were not able to accept me and that happens because when
accept me and that happens because when
accept me and that happens because when we transition we don’t transition alone
we transition we don’t transition alone
we transition we don’t transition alone the people close to us also transition
the people close to us also transition
the people close to us also transition and they did not sign up for this and
and they did not sign up for this and
and they did not sign up for this and not everyone can go along with Metro but
not everyone can go along with Metro but
not everyone can go along with Metro but my my daughters who are both in college
my my daughters who are both in college
my my daughters who are both in college now they love me and they support me and
now they love me and they support me and
now they love me and they support me and that’s what’s really most important so
that’s what’s really most important so
that’s what’s really most important so you know you might be listening to the
you know you might be listening to the
you know you might be listening to the story and thinking well that’s that’s a
story and thinking well that’s that’s a
story and thinking well that’s that’s a really nice story I hope you are anyway
really nice story I hope you are anyway
really nice story I hope you are anyway but but you know what does it have to do
but but you know what does it have to do
but but you know what does it have to do with me well many of us wear costumes
with me well many of us wear costumes
with me well many of us wear costumes many of us hide our authentic selves or
many of us hide our authentic selves or
many of us hide our authentic selves or mothers now you know being a grown-up
mothers now you know being a grown-up
mothers now you know being a grown-up means sometimes you have to make in
means sometimes you have to make in
means sometimes you have to make in sessions you have to sometimes take away
sessions you have to sometimes take away
sessions you have to sometimes take away a bit of your own individuality and in
a bit of your own individuality and in
a bit of your own individuality and in order to you know to be a person in the
order to you know to be a person in the
order to you know to be a person in the world but you have to balance that and
world but you have to balance that and
world but you have to balance that and if you live too much to meet the
if you live too much to meet the
if you live too much to meet the expectations of others and you’re not
expectations of others and you’re not
expectations of others and you’re not being your authentic self if you’re
being your authentic self if you’re
being your authentic self if you’re living behind a costume then you can’t
living behind a costume then you can’t
living behind a costume then you can’t be a happy and engaged person and you’re
be a happy and engaged person and you’re
be a happy and engaged person and you’re doing this a disservice not just
doing this a disservice not just
doing this a disservice not just yourself but all the people that are
yourself but all the people that are
yourself but all the people that are important to you so to get back to my
important to you so to get back to my
important to you so to get back to my original question who is wearing a
original question who is wearing a
original question who is wearing a costume now I still like to wear
costume now I still like to wear
costume now I still like to wear costumes sometimes and this is from
costumes sometimes and this is from
costumes sometimes and this is from Halloween of this year and once again I
Halloween of this year and once again I
Halloween of this year and once again I went as a famous female political figure
went as a famous female political figure
went as a famous female political figure this time 1 i’m hoping get selected
this time 1 i’m hoping get selected
this time 1 i’m hoping get selected but now when I put on a costume it’s
but now when I put on a costume it’s
but now when I put on a costume it’s just for fun but I stand before you on
just for fun but I stand before you on
just for fun but I stand before you on the stage and in my in my daily life as
the stage and in my in my daily life as
the stage and in my in my daily life as my authentic self no costume thank you
my authentic self no costume thank you
my authentic self no costume thank you [Applause]
”
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