two things are true of all arguments big or small one we all have them and two we
or small one we all have them and two we
or small one we all have them and two we all want to be right so what are we
all want to be right so what are we
all want to be right so what are we arguing about relationship experts say
arguing about relationship experts say
arguing about relationship experts say we argue about nothing we argue about
we argue about nothing we argue about
we argue about nothing we argue about the most ridiculous things like whose
the most ridiculous things like whose
the most ridiculous things like whose turn it is to load the dishwasher or
turn it is to load the dishwasher or
turn it is to load the dishwasher or which way to turn when we’re in the car
which way to turn when we’re in the car
which way to turn when we’re in the car because these arguments actually
because these arguments actually
because these arguments actually represent deeper things happening
represent deeper things happening
represent deeper things happening beneath the surface
beneath the surface
beneath the surface I’m a clinical psychopath so I
I’m a clinical psychopath so I
I’m a clinical psychopath so I professionally help people navigate
professionally help people navigate
professionally help people navigate arguments in order to find more love and
arguments in order to find more love and
arguments in order to find more love and connection and meaning in their
connection and meaning in their
connection and meaning in their relationships in other words you could
relationships in other words you could
relationships in other words you could think of me as a well-paid referee today
think of me as a well-paid referee today
think of me as a well-paid referee today I’d like to share with you a secret to
I’d like to share with you a secret to
I’d like to share with you a secret to winning these arguments that can not
winning these arguments that can not
winning these arguments that can not only change the dynamic of our arguments
only change the dynamic of our arguments
only change the dynamic of our arguments but bring more love and connection into
but bring more love and connection into
but bring more love and connection into our relationships now in order to do
our relationships now in order to do
our relationships now in order to do that I need to tell you a story this is
that I need to tell you a story this is
that I need to tell you a story this is a story about a personal argument from
a story about a personal argument from
a story about a personal argument from one of my most regular clients and that
one of my most regular clients and that
one of my most regular clients and that is myself so what of biggest arguments
is myself so what of biggest arguments
is myself so what of biggest arguments I’ve ever had my life was with my
I’ve ever had my life was with my
I’ve ever had my life was with my husband over a broken iPhone and this
husband over a broken iPhone and this
husband over a broken iPhone and this phone it wasn’t just broken it was
phone it wasn’t just broken it was
phone it wasn’t just broken it was shattered it had glass like poking out
shattered it had glass like poking out
shattered it had glass like poking out it was totally beyond repair and like
it was totally beyond repair and like
it was totally beyond repair and like most people we love our phones but this
most people we love our phones but this
most people we love our phones but this argument was out of proportion to the
argument was out of proportion to the
argument was out of proportion to the situation so he was arguing that I was
situation so he was arguing that I was
situation so he was arguing that I was angry and that I had broken this phone
angry and that I had broken this phone
angry and that I had broken this phone on purpose he also felt that I should
on purpose he also felt that I should
on purpose he also felt that I should fix it immediately I was hurt and
fix it immediately I was hurt and
fix it immediately I was hurt and offended that he could possibly think I
offended that he could possibly think I
offended that he could possibly think I would break my phone on purpose and I
would break my phone on purpose and I
would break my phone on purpose and I also have this sort of oddly frugal
also have this sort of oddly frugal
also have this sort of oddly frugal quirk and was trying to argue that I
quirk and was trying to argue that I
quirk and was trying to argue that I could continue to navigate the phone by
could continue to navigate the phone by
could continue to navigate the phone by just going around the shards of glass in
just going around the shards of glass in
just going around the shards of glass in order to save some money so after a
order to save some money so after a
order to save some money so after a while I kind of
while I kind of
while I kind of and decided I’d go to the Apple store
and decided I’d go to the Apple store
and decided I’d go to the Apple store just get it checked out and while I was
just get it checked out and while I was
just get it checked out and while I was driving I was feeling sad and angry and
driving I was feeling sad and angry and
driving I was feeling sad and angry and most of all lonely and I had tears
most of all lonely and I had tears
most of all lonely and I had tears coming down my face and when I was
coming down my face and when I was
coming down my face and when I was driving I saw somebody I saw someone I
driving I saw somebody I saw someone I
driving I saw somebody I saw someone I knew and I didn’t even know her very
knew and I didn’t even know her very
knew and I didn’t even know her very well but I was so excited to tell her my
well but I was so excited to tell her my
well but I was so excited to tell her my side of the story that I took my car and
side of the story that I took my car and
side of the story that I took my car and I drove up over the curb into the grass
I drove up over the curb into the grass
I drove up over the curb into the grass and I rolled down my window now mind you
and I rolled down my window now mind you
and I rolled down my window now mind you I’m still behind this poor woman and I
I’m still behind this poor woman and I
I’m still behind this poor woman and I shouted at her and I said my husband and
shouted at her and I said my husband and
shouted at her and I said my husband and I just got into a fight I broke my phone
I just got into a fight I broke my phone
I just got into a fight I broke my phone and he thinks I should fix it and I sat
and he thinks I should fix it and I sat
and he thinks I should fix it and I sat back and I just waited for the
back and I just waited for the
back and I just waited for the understanding and the vote that I would
understanding and the vote that I would
understanding and the vote that I would be right and as I was waiting I looked
be right and as I was waiting I looked
be right and as I was waiting I looked over and I saw a confused look on her
over and I saw a confused look on her
over and I saw a confused look on her face maybe slightly terrified that I
face maybe slightly terrified that I
face maybe slightly terrified that I almost ran her and her dog over with my
almost ran her and her dog over with my
almost ran her and her dog over with my car and we didn’t even know each other
car and we didn’t even know each other
car and we didn’t even know each other that well and she looked at me and she
that well and she looked at me and she
that well and she looked at me and she goes well yeah but you probably should
goes well yeah but you probably should
goes well yeah but you probably should fix the phone though right and I took my
fix the phone though right and I took my
fix the phone though right and I took my car and I got back on the road I rolled
car and I got back on the road I rolled
car and I got back on the road I rolled the window up and I just drove away
the window up and I just drove away
the window up and I just drove away feeling so ridiculous because I realized
feeling so ridiculous because I realized
feeling so ridiculous because I realized our argument wasn’t really about the
our argument wasn’t really about the
our argument wasn’t really about the phone and it never really is is it so
phone and it never really is is it so
phone and it never really is is it so lucky for us this was not the last four
lucky for us this was not the last four
lucky for us this was not the last four arguments and we had won ourselves
arguments and we had won ourselves
arguments and we had won ourselves front-row tickets to couples therapy so
front-row tickets to couples therapy so
front-row tickets to couples therapy so I get this a lot but yes therapists need
I get this a lot but yes therapists need
I get this a lot but yes therapists need therapy too
therapy too
therapy too why do you think we’re always so
why do you think we’re always so
why do you think we’re always so fascinated with everybody else we are
fascinated with everybody else we are
fascinated with everybody else we are always trying to fix ourselves so there
always trying to fix ourselves so there
always trying to fix ourselves so there we argued some more but I learned
we argued some more but I learned
we argued some more but I learned something in the process that changed my
something in the process that changed my
something in the process that changed my life and the way that I argued forever
life and the way that I argued forever
life and the way that I argued forever and that is the secret to winning
and that is the secret to winning
and that is the secret to winning arguments now in order to understand how
arguments now in order to understand how
arguments now in order to understand how to win arguments we need to first back
to win arguments we need to first back
to win arguments we need to first back up and understand why are we fighting
up and understand why are we fighting
up and understand why are we fighting in the first place what is really going
in the first place what is really going
in the first place what is really going on and what relationships are we talking
on and what relationships are we talking
on and what relationships are we talking about so today we’re talking about
about so today we’re talking about
about so today we’re talking about mutual relationships they could be
mutual relationships they could be
mutual relationships they could be between partners it could be a couple
between partners it could be a couple
between partners it could be a couple but it could be between families and
but it could be between families and
but it could be between families and friends but this isn’t really applying
friends but this isn’t really applying
friends but this isn’t really applying too volatile comments left on social
too volatile comments left on social
too volatile comments left on social media between strangers or if you’re
media between strangers or if you’re
media between strangers or if you’re angry with some celebrity that you don’t
angry with some celebrity that you don’t
angry with some celebrity that you don’t know this is about two people that are
know this is about two people that are
know this is about two people that are engaged in a relationship so why are we
engaged in a relationship so why are we
engaged in a relationship so why are we arguing in these relationships it all
arguing in these relationships it all
arguing in these relationships it all boils down to this people have a basic
boils down to this people have a basic
boils down to this people have a basic need for love and connection think about
need for love and connection think about
need for love and connection think about it for a second from the moment you were
it for a second from the moment you were
it for a second from the moment you were born your survival depended entirely
born your survival depended entirely
born your survival depended entirely upon someone else someone to care for
upon someone else someone to care for
upon someone else someone to care for you hold you feed you protect you and
you hold you feed you protect you and
you hold you feed you protect you and this isn’t unique to you
this isn’t unique to you
this isn’t unique to you this is true of all mankind this has
this is true of all mankind this has
this is true of all mankind this has also been true since the beginning of
also been true since the beginning of
also been true since the beginning of time it is something that we have not
time it is something that we have not
time it is something that we have not evolved from which means your brain is
evolved from which means your brain is
evolved from which means your brain is very aware of this need for love and
very aware of this need for love and
very aware of this need for love and connection in fact without you realizing
connection in fact without you realizing
connection in fact without you realizing it your brain is constantly scanning for
it your brain is constantly scanning for
it your brain is constantly scanning for threats of danger or harm that may come
threats of danger or harm that may come
threats of danger or harm that may come your way including the threat of not
your way including the threat of not
your way including the threat of not having love and connection in other
having love and connection in other
having love and connection in other words rejection or loneliness and if
words rejection or loneliness and if
words rejection or loneliness and if you’re tempted to think well sure that’s
you’re tempted to think well sure that’s
you’re tempted to think well sure that’s for babies I can clothe myself and I can
for babies I can clothe myself and I can
for babies I can clothe myself and I can feed myself and I don’t need that
feed myself and I don’t need that
feed myself and I don’t need that anymore I’m here to tell you that we
anymore I’m here to tell you that we
anymore I’m here to tell you that we need that connection just as much as
need that connection just as much as
need that connection just as much as adults as we age if not even more in
adults as we age if not even more in
adults as we age if not even more in fact we’re seeing research emerge from
fact we’re seeing research emerge from
fact we’re seeing research emerge from places like Harvard and Brigham Young
places like Harvard and Brigham Young
places like Harvard and Brigham Young University that are showing us that
University that are showing us that
University that are showing us that loneliness has health risks and these
loneliness has health risks and these
loneliness has health risks and these are just small health risks these are
are just small health risks these are
are just small health risks these are equal to smoking and obesity as we age
equal to smoking and obesity as we age
equal to smoking and obesity as we age further research from the UK shows us
further research from the UK shows us
further research from the UK shows us that loneliness can actually increase
that loneliness can actually increase
that loneliness can actually increase your average risk for coronary heart
your average risk for coronary heart
your average risk for coronary heart disease and stroke by 50% and these are
disease and stroke by 50% and these are
disease and stroke by 50% and these are the leading
the leading
the leading health burdens in our higher income
health burdens in our higher income
health burdens in our higher income countries see that is what’s happening
countries see that is what’s happening
countries see that is what’s happening in your brain your brain is very aware
in your brain your brain is very aware
in your brain your brain is very aware that we need love and connection for our
that we need love and connection for our
that we need love and connection for our survival even as we get older and we
survival even as we get older and we
survival even as we get older and we feel more independent in fact when you
feel more independent in fact when you
feel more independent in fact when you have this moment where your brain is
have this moment where your brain is
have this moment where your brain is scanning for threats when you have an
scanning for threats when you have an
scanning for threats when you have an argument what can happen is deep below
argument what can happen is deep below
argument what can happen is deep below the surface your brain is trying to see
the surface your brain is trying to see
the surface your brain is trying to see if this argument may lead to rejection
if this argument may lead to rejection
if this argument may lead to rejection now if your brain detects there is a
now if your brain detects there is a
now if your brain detects there is a threat to rejection it can trigger
threat to rejection it can trigger
threat to rejection it can trigger what’s called an amygdala hijack
what’s called an amygdala hijack
what’s called an amygdala hijack otherwise known as the fight-or-flight
otherwise known as the fight-or-flight
otherwise known as the fight-or-flight response and what happens in an amygdala
response and what happens in an amygdala
response and what happens in an amygdala hijack is your brain is flooded with
hijack is your brain is flooded with
hijack is your brain is flooded with stress hormones like cortisol and
stress hormones like cortisol and
stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline and it makes your heart beat
adrenaline and it makes your heart beat
adrenaline and it makes your heart beat faster your lungs fill up quickly blood
faster your lungs fill up quickly blood
faster your lungs fill up quickly blood is sent to your muscles it’s all
is sent to your muscles it’s all
is sent to your muscles it’s all designed to help you protect your body
designed to help you protect your body
designed to help you protect your body but ultimately to move also what happens
but ultimately to move also what happens
but ultimately to move also what happens in an amygdala hijack is your short-term
in an amygdala hijack is your short-term
in an amygdala hijack is your short-term memory is impaired it may be difficult
memory is impaired it may be difficult
memory is impaired it may be difficult to think clearly is another way to think
to think clearly is another way to think
to think clearly is another way to think of it so it’s hard to stay on point and
of it so it’s hard to stay on point and
of it so it’s hard to stay on point and you may even lash out and say things
you may even lash out and say things
you may even lash out and say things that you maybe wouldn’t otherwise want
that you maybe wouldn’t otherwise want
that you maybe wouldn’t otherwise want to say all these things are beautifully
to say all these things are beautifully
to say all these things are beautifully designed and very helpful to our
designed and very helpful to our
designed and very helpful to our survival and they’re very helpful if
survival and they’re very helpful if
survival and they’re very helpful if you’re running away from a lion but it’s
you’re running away from a lion but it’s
you’re running away from a lion but it’s not so helpful in a verbal argument with
not so helpful in a verbal argument with
not so helpful in a verbal argument with someone you care about
someone you care about
someone you care about see that’s what was happening to me with
see that’s what was happening to me with
see that’s what was happening to me with the iPhone while I my conscious mind I
the iPhone while I my conscious mind I
the iPhone while I my conscious mind I thought I was trying to save some money
thought I was trying to save some money
thought I was trying to save some money or save my pride deep below the surface
or save my pride deep below the surface
or save my pride deep below the surface my brain had detected my husband as a
my brain had detected my husband as a
my brain had detected my husband as a threat and that he may reject me and
threat and that he may reject me and
threat and that he may reject me and leave me and otherwise threaten my
leave me and otherwise threaten my
leave me and otherwise threaten my survival and this isn’t unique to me if
survival and this isn’t unique to me if
survival and this isn’t unique to me if you think about it in your life how
you think about it in your life how
you think about it in your life how often has it felt like a life-or-death
often has it felt like a life-or-death
often has it felt like a life-or-death situation when you’re in an argument see
situation when you’re in an argument see
situation when you’re in an argument see I wasn’t in peril and my husband wasn’t
I wasn’t in peril and my husband wasn’t
I wasn’t in peril and my husband wasn’t about to leave me that wasn’t the
about to leave me that wasn’t the
about to leave me that wasn’t the reality but I’m telling you it felt real
reality but I’m telling you it felt real
reality but I’m telling you it felt real it actually felt like I might die if I
it actually felt like I might die if I
it actually felt like I might die if I admitted I was wrong and this is true
admitted I was wrong and this is true
admitted I was wrong and this is true for all of us so when we detect that
for all of us so when we detect that
for all of us so when we detect that something could be wrong we panic and we
something could be wrong we panic and we
something could be wrong we panic and we move away from connection what our brain
move away from connection what our brain
move away from connection what our brain ultimately wants is love and connection
ultimately wants is love and connection
ultimately wants is love and connection so in my personal therapy I was able to
so in my personal therapy I was able to
so in my personal therapy I was able to experiment with um
experiment with um
experiment with um reacting to situations in different ways
reacting to situations in different ways
reacting to situations in different ways other than just being defensive I
other than just being defensive I
other than just being defensive I learned to calm myself down this panic
learned to calm myself down this panic
learned to calm myself down this panic so I was able to do something other than
so I was able to do something other than
so I was able to do something other than just be defensive and V fight-or-flight
just be defensive and V fight-or-flight
just be defensive and V fight-or-flight so I decided to practice something the
so I decided to practice something the
so I decided to practice something the craziest thing I could think of and I
craziest thing I could think of and I
craziest thing I could think of and I just admitted he was right I said you’re
just admitted he was right I said you’re
just admitted he was right I said you’re right I was angry and I broke the phone
right I was angry and I broke the phone
right I was angry and I broke the phone and I may have a tendency to break
and I may have a tendency to break
and I may have a tendency to break things on purpose when I’m angry so I
things on purpose when I’m angry so I
things on purpose when I’m angry so I can see why you think I broke it
can see why you think I broke it
can see why you think I broke it and I also said you know I can grateful
and I also said you know I can grateful
and I also said you know I can grateful that you had me go fix the phone the
that you had me go fix the phone the
that you had me go fix the phone the guys at the Apple store did agree that
guys at the Apple store did agree that
guys at the Apple store did agree that it wasn’t functional and it was good
it wasn’t functional and it was good
it wasn’t functional and it was good that I fixed it so I’m glad that I did
that I fixed it so I’m glad that I did
that I fixed it so I’m glad that I did that thank you
that thank you
that thank you and while these words may sound simple
and while these words may sound simple
and while these words may sound simple and they may sound easy to say I’m
and they may sound easy to say I’m
and they may sound easy to say I’m telling you it felt like I had lowered
telling you it felt like I had lowered
telling you it felt like I had lowered my shield of defense in a in a battle
my shield of defense in a in a battle
my shield of defense in a in a battle and then I readied myself for an attack
and then I readied myself for an attack
and then I readied myself for an attack and I was prepared for rejection but
and I was prepared for rejection but
and I was prepared for rejection but what happened was so interesting
what happened was so interesting
what happened was so interesting my husband’s shoulders softened his face
my husband’s shoulders softened his face
my husband’s shoulders softened his face relaxed he turned towards me and he goes
relaxed he turned towards me and he goes
relaxed he turned towards me and he goes mmm that’s okay I’m not perfect either
mmm that’s okay I’m not perfect either
mmm that’s okay I’m not perfect either I’ll work on it and I was shocked and a
I’ll work on it and I was shocked and a
I’ll work on it and I was shocked and a flood of happy feelings came over a love
flood of happy feelings came over a love
flood of happy feelings came over a love and joy and relief but most of all I
and joy and relief but most of all I
and joy and relief but most of all I felt connected and in order to make sure
felt connected and in order to make sure
felt connected and in order to make sure this wasn’t just some freak coincidence
this wasn’t just some freak coincidence
this wasn’t just some freak coincidence or maybe he was just that in love with
or maybe he was just that in love with
or maybe he was just that in love with his phone then I decided I was going to
his phone then I decided I was going to
his phone then I decided I was going to make this an experiment in my life so I
make this an experiment in my life so I
make this an experiment in my life so I started trying it with anyone anyone I
started trying it with anyone anyone I
started trying it with anyone anyone I could and
could and
could and anyone I argued with with my mom with my
anyone I argued with with my mom with my
anyone I argued with with my mom with my friends with my clients with anyone in
friends with my clients with anyone in
friends with my clients with anyone in my family and the same results happened
my family and the same results happened
my family and the same results happened every time the arguments lead towards
every time the arguments lead towards
every time the arguments lead towards connection the secret is to agree and
connection the secret is to agree and
connection the secret is to agree and here’s why it works when you say I agree
here’s why it works when you say I agree
here’s why it works when you say I agree with you or I see your point you give
with you or I see your point you give
with you or I see your point you give the other person’s brain an opportunity
the other person’s brain an opportunity
the other person’s brain an opportunity to relax because you’re not the enemy
to relax because you’re not the enemy
to relax because you’re not the enemy anymore and if their brain can relax
anymore and if their brain can relax
anymore and if their brain can relax they can move from a primal state of
they can move from a primal state of
they can move from a primal state of fighting or running away from you to a
fighting or running away from you to a
fighting or running away from you to a more complex thinking system which
more complex thinking system which
more complex thinking system which allows you to listen validate understand
allows you to listen validate understand
allows you to listen validate understand and connect so at this point you may be
and connect so at this point you may be
and connect so at this point you may be wondering a couple of things
wondering a couple of things
wondering a couple of things you may be wondering okay that sounds
you may be wondering okay that sounds
you may be wondering okay that sounds nice but mmm what if I just can’t agree
nice but mmm what if I just can’t agree
nice but mmm what if I just can’t agree oh I don’t think you understand my
oh I don’t think you understand my
oh I don’t think you understand my husband he I just can’t
husband he I just can’t
husband he I just can’t mmm-hmm should I lie should I just fake
mmm-hmm should I lie should I just fake
mmm-hmm should I lie should I just fake it should I play the game and this is a
it should I play the game and this is a
it should I play the game and this is a great question I get a lot and the
great question I get a lot and the
great question I get a lot and the answer is no this is not about being
answer is no this is not about being
answer is no this is not about being manipulative or playing a game this is
manipulative or playing a game this is
manipulative or playing a game this is about genuinely finding something to
about genuinely finding something to
about genuinely finding something to agree on I would encourage you to find
agree on I would encourage you to find
agree on I would encourage you to find something anything to agree on even if
something anything to agree on even if
something anything to agree on even if it just means that you validate the
it just means that you validate the
it just means that you validate the other person’s feelings now the other
other person’s feelings now the other
other person’s feelings now the other question you may be thinking and you’re
question you may be thinking and you’re
question you may be thinking and you’re probably too polite to say is wait a
probably too polite to say is wait a
probably too polite to say is wait a minute I thought you were going to teach
minute I thought you were going to teach
minute I thought you were going to teach us the secret to winning every argument
us the secret to winning every argument
us the secret to winning every argument it sounds like you’re letting me telling
it sounds like you’re letting me telling
it sounds like you’re letting me telling me to let the other person win the
me to let the other person win the
me to let the other person win the argument to which I say you’re right
argument to which I say you’re right
argument to which I say you’re right that may not seem like winning at first
that may not seem like winning at first
that may not seem like winning at first but remember why do you really want to
but remember why do you really want to
but remember why do you really want to be right in the first place
be right in the first place
be right in the first place your brain really wants love and
your brain really wants love and
your brain really wants love and connection I think it’s time we work
connection I think it’s time we work
connection I think it’s time we work together to change the definition of
together to change the definition of
together to change the definition of winning an argument from being right to
winning an argument from being right to
winning an argument from being right to being connected that’s
being connected that’s
being connected that’s winning the bottom line is this
winning the bottom line is this
winning the bottom line is this loneliness can be deadly and the scary
loneliness can be deadly and the scary
loneliness can be deadly and the scary thing about that is that you can be
thing about that is that you can be
thing about that is that you can be lonely in a crowd you and I both know
lonely in a crowd you and I both know
lonely in a crowd you and I both know you can be lonely in a family at a party
you can be lonely in a family at a party
you can be lonely in a family at a party and in a relationship with someone you
and in a relationship with someone you
and in a relationship with someone you care about especially if you’re arguing
care about especially if you’re arguing
care about especially if you’re arguing after thousands of hours of counseling
after thousands of hours of counseling
after thousands of hours of counseling and in my own personal struggles of
and in my own personal struggles of
and in my own personal struggles of arguments and loneliness I have become
arguments and loneliness I have become
arguments and loneliness I have become only more certain that our world is in
only more certain that our world is in
only more certain that our world is in desperate need of love and connection if
desperate need of love and connection if
desperate need of love and connection if we could all work together to change
we could all work together to change
we could all work together to change this definition and move our arguments
this definition and move our arguments
this definition and move our arguments towards connection instead of being
towards connection instead of being
towards connection instead of being right we can get more done and spread
right we can get more done and spread
right we can get more done and spread more love in our homes with our families
more love in our homes with our families
more love in our homes with our families with our workplaces our communities and
with our workplaces our communities and
with our workplaces our communities and in our world so I’m going to close by
in our world so I’m going to close by
in our world so I’m going to close by asking you to not argue with me just
asking you to not argue with me just
asking you to not argue with me just give it a try
give it a try
give it a try thank you
”
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