is it possible to understand everyone that a deep and meaningful level to get
that a deep and meaningful level to get
that a deep and meaningful level to get what really matters the people no matter
what really matters the people no matter
what really matters the people no matter how different they are from you that
how different they are from you that
how different they are from you that proposition sounds a little absurd after
proposition sounds a little absurd after
proposition sounds a little absurd after all human psychology is really complex
all human psychology is really complex
all human psychology is really complex some people are abused as children
some people are abused as children
some people are abused as children others are loved and supported the brain
others are loved and supported the brain
others are loved and supported the brain of an 18 year old girl who sleeps with
of an 18 year old girl who sleeps with
of an 18 year old girl who sleeps with her cell phone is different than an 80
her cell phone is different than an 80
her cell phone is different than an 80 year old man who can’t remember the
year old man who can’t remember the
year old man who can’t remember the names of his children there’s no one way
names of his children there’s no one way
names of his children there’s no one way to understand everyone no broad
to understand everyone no broad
to understand everyone no broad operating principle that’s the
operating principle that’s the
operating principle that’s the conventional wisdom it makes perfect
conventional wisdom it makes perfect
conventional wisdom it makes perfect sense and yet it’s a myth a few years
sense and yet it’s a myth a few years
sense and yet it’s a myth a few years ago I was watching TV scenes from
ago I was watching TV scenes from
ago I was watching TV scenes from Afghanistan a group of teenage boys was
Afghanistan a group of teenage boys was
Afghanistan a group of teenage boys was standing in the back of a dusty pick up
standing in the back of a dusty pick up
standing in the back of a dusty pick up waving rifles and one boy wrapped in a
waving rifles and one boy wrapped in a
waving rifles and one boy wrapped in a white cloth with dazzling blue-green
white cloth with dazzling blue-green
white cloth with dazzling blue-green eyes was staring directly into the
eyes was staring directly into the
eyes was staring directly into the camera
camera
camera he looked intent menacing and that was
he looked intent menacing and that was
he looked intent menacing and that was the point of the piece we should be
the point of the piece we should be
the point of the piece we should be afraid because young men were passionate
afraid because young men were passionate
afraid because young men were passionate about killing Americans let me tell you
about killing Americans let me tell you
about killing Americans let me tell you about another boy my nephew Rory at the
about another boy my nephew Rory at the
about another boy my nephew Rory at the time I saw this piece Rory was a
time I saw this piece Rory was a
time I saw this piece Rory was a freshman in college at Harvard but
freshman in college at Harvard but
freshman in college at Harvard but Rory’s not full of himself in a word
Rory’s not full of himself in a word
Rory’s not full of himself in a word he’s sweet he’s not a hugger but he’ll
he’s sweet he’s not a hugger but he’ll
he’s sweet he’s not a hugger but he’ll always hug me because he knows that I am
always hug me because he knows that I am
always hug me because he knows that I am he bakes brownies with his young cousins
he bakes brownies with his young cousins
he bakes brownies with his young cousins he wants to be a doctor one day I’m
he wants to be a doctor one day I’m
he wants to be a doctor one day I’m proud of Rory and I can’t imagine a kid
proud of Rory and I can’t imagine a kid
proud of Rory and I can’t imagine a kid more different than that one from
more different than that one from
more different than that one from Afghanistan except at a fundamental
Afghanistan except at a fundamental
Afghanistan except at a fundamental level these two boys are exactly the
level these two boys are exactly the
level these two boys are exactly the same they’ve chosen their respective
same they’ve chosen their respective
same they’ve chosen their respective paths join the Taliban go to Harvard for
paths join the Taliban go to Harvard for
paths join the Taliban go to Harvard for the same internal reasons they both
the same internal reasons they both
the same internal reasons they both would like respect everyone knows that
would like respect everyone knows that
would like respect everyone knows that when you go to Harvard people look up to
when you go to Harvard people look up to
when you go to Harvard people look up to you
you
you for the rest of your life and when you
for the rest of your life and when you
for the rest of your life and when you join the Taliban little kids look on and
join the Taliban little kids look on and
join the Taliban little kids look on and on as you drive by in that dusty vehicle
on as you drive by in that dusty vehicle
on as you drive by in that dusty vehicle they also want community belonging
they also want community belonging
they also want community belonging Rory’s got close friends the men of
Rory’s got close friends the men of
Rory’s got close friends the men of Harvard but no closer I bet than the men
Harvard but no closer I bet than the men
Harvard but no closer I bet than the men of the Taliban and lastly and probably
of the Taliban and lastly and probably
of the Taliban and lastly and probably most important to both they want to make
most important to both they want to make
most important to both they want to make a difference in their worlds they want
a difference in their worlds they want
a difference in their worlds they want to help those they love what’s amazing
to help those they love what’s amazing
to help those they love what’s amazing and horrifying is that one will learn to
and horrifying is that one will learn to
and horrifying is that one will learn to be a doctor and the other will learn to
be a doctor and the other will learn to
be a doctor and the other will learn to kill it’s true that human behavior is
kill it’s true that human behavior is
kill it’s true that human behavior is amazingly varied and complex but at the
amazingly varied and complex but at the
amazingly varied and complex but at the level of motivation at the level of what
level of motivation at the level of what
level of motivation at the level of what drives us to do all those different
drives us to do all those different
drives us to do all those different things
things
things we’re actually identical there’s a
we’re actually identical there’s a
we’re actually identical there’s a formula for understanding why we do what
formula for understanding why we do what
formula for understanding why we do what we do and once you get it you get it
we do and once you get it you get it
we do and once you get it you get it there are 30 basic human motivations let
there are 30 basic human motivations let
there are 30 basic human motivations let me give you a quick primer there’s the
me give you a quick primer there’s the
me give you a quick primer there’s the obvious the physical we want to survive
obvious the physical we want to survive
obvious the physical we want to survive we need air food and water there’s a
we need air food and water there’s a
we need air food and water there’s a second category of relational needs that
second category of relational needs that
second category of relational needs that help us understand how to balance our
help us understand how to balance our
help us understand how to balance our self-interest and that of the community
self-interest and that of the community
self-interest and that of the community we all want to receive care
we all want to receive care
we all want to receive care understanding love but at the same time
understanding love but at the same time
understanding love but at the same time we want to give our love to help others
we want to give our love to help others
we want to give our love to help others in our lives then there’s a third
in our lives then there’s a third
in our lives then there’s a third category of needs you’d call
category of needs you’d call
category of needs you’d call aspirational or spiritual we want to
aspirational or spiritual we want to
aspirational or spiritual we want to grow we all crave adventure and beauty
grow we all crave adventure and beauty
grow we all crave adventure and beauty I’m not going to go through the whole
I’m not going to go through the whole
I’m not going to go through the whole list because everything on the list
list because everything on the list
list because everything on the list you’re already familiar with but don’t
you’re already familiar with but don’t
you’re already familiar with but don’t then mistake this for that old high
then mistake this for that old high
then mistake this for that old high school sociology lesson where the
school sociology lesson where the
school sociology lesson where the teacher says human beings have needs if
teacher says human beings have needs if
teacher says human beings have needs if they’re not fulfilled unhappiness and
they’re not fulfilled unhappiness and
they’re not fulfilled unhappiness and war that’s all true but I’m not here to
war that’s all true but I’m not here to
war that’s all true but I’m not here to make that macro sociological point I’m
make that macro sociological point I’m
make that macro sociological point I’m here to help you understand the micro
here to help you understand the micro
here to help you understand the micro the human individual in any given moment
the human individual in any given moment
the human individual in any given moment what drives your mother you
what drives your mother you
what drives your mother you spouse your boss human behavior no
spouse your boss human behavior no
spouse your boss human behavior no matter how seemingly bizarre or mundane
matter how seemingly bizarre or mundane
matter how seemingly bizarre or mundane is designed internally to fulfill one or
is designed internally to fulfill one or
is designed internally to fulfill one or some of the common needs if you want to
some of the common needs if you want to
some of the common needs if you want to understand what really matters to a
understand what really matters to a
understand what really matters to a person at the level of deep motivation
person at the level of deep motivation
person at the level of deep motivation ask which of the common needs
ask which of the common needs
ask which of the common needs have they been pursuing here’s a story
have they been pursuing here’s a story
have they been pursuing here’s a story for my personal life my wife Shelly
for my personal life my wife Shelly
for my personal life my wife Shelly sometimes gets upset with me for not
sometimes gets upset with me for not
sometimes gets upset with me for not cleaning the dishes to her exacting
cleaning the dishes to her exacting
cleaning the dishes to her exacting standard I can see her there as I’m
standard I can see her there as I’m
standard I can see her there as I’m cleaning over my left shoulder
cleaning over my left shoulder
cleaning over my left shoulder pretending to read the mail watching me
pretending to read the mail watching me
pretending to read the mail watching me now I could easily conclude that’s a
now I could easily conclude that’s a
now I could easily conclude that’s a little weird she might be OCD
but these brilliant observations don’t
but these brilliant observations don’t get me very far if I want to understand
get me very far if I want to understand
get me very far if I want to understand my wife and I do I ask a basic question
my wife and I do I ask a basic question
my wife and I do I ask a basic question what needs are driving her Shelly is a
what needs are driving her Shelly is a
what needs are driving her Shelly is a busy woman
busy woman
busy woman she teaches high school full time she
she teaches high school full time she
she teaches high school full time she drives our kids everywhere she calls my
drives our kids everywhere she calls my
drives our kids everywhere she calls my mom to say hi and I love you excuse me I
mom to say hi and I love you excuse me I
mom to say hi and I love you excuse me I got a little motion yep she calls my mom
got a little motion yep she calls my mom
got a little motion yep she calls my mom to say hi and I love you clean dishes
to say hi and I love you clean dishes
to say hi and I love you clean dishes neatly stacked and put away the fill in
neatly stacked and put away the fill in
neatly stacked and put away the fill in her the common needs for order and rest
her the common needs for order and rest
her the common needs for order and rest finally some peace of mind
finally some peace of mind
finally some peace of mind and there’s one more huge need
and there’s one more huge need
and there’s one more huge need motivating her dishwash spine when I
motivating her dishwash spine when I
motivating her dishwash spine when I leave stuff on the dishes like that big
leave stuff on the dishes like that big
leave stuff on the dishes like that big piece of vermicelli hanging off the back
piece of vermicelli hanging off the back
piece of vermicelli hanging off the back that’s so super obvious to her after she
that’s so super obvious to her after she
that’s so super obvious to her after she said Larry do a good job this time this
said Larry do a good job this time this
said Larry do a good job this time this time please do a good job she concludes
time please do a good job she concludes
time please do a good job she concludes I don’t care about her if you want to
I don’t care about her if you want to
I don’t care about her if you want to understand everyone including Shelly the
understand everyone including Shelly the
understand everyone including Shelly the outside world matters to us only because
outside world matters to us only because
outside world matters to us only because we’re trying to fulfill needs internally
we’re trying to fulfill needs internally
we’re trying to fulfill needs internally she doesn’t really care about clean
she doesn’t really care about clean
she doesn’t really care about clean dishes at depth she like everyone else
dishes at depth she like everyone else
dishes at depth she like everyone else wants respect to be loved human behavior
wants respect to be loved human behavior
wants respect to be loved human behavior is complex but human motivation is
is complex but human motivation is
is complex but human motivation is actually simple we seek these common
actually simple we seek these common
actually simple we seek these common needs and nothing else
needs and nothing else
needs and nothing else now I didn’t myself discover that common
now I didn’t myself discover that common
now I didn’t myself discover that common needs Drive human behavior the idea was
needs Drive human behavior the idea was
needs Drive human behavior the idea was proposed around 50 years ago by the
proposed around 50 years ago by the
proposed around 50 years ago by the psychologist Carl Rogers and then
psychologist Carl Rogers and then
psychologist Carl Rogers and then further developed by the extraordinary
further developed by the extraordinary
further developed by the extraordinary peacemaker Marshall Rosenberg I came
peacemaker Marshall Rosenberg I came
peacemaker Marshall Rosenberg I came across their concepts around 15 years
across their concepts around 15 years
across their concepts around 15 years ago and they made good sense to me so I
ago and they made good sense to me so I
ago and they made good sense to me so I began to implement them in my personal
began to implement them in my personal
began to implement them in my personal life to decode family and friends and I
life to decode family and friends and I
life to decode family and friends and I was understanding people I was intrigued
was understanding people I was intrigued
was understanding people I was intrigued but I was also skeptical
but I was also skeptical
but I was also skeptical I asked Marshall Rosenberg why 30 needs
I asked Marshall Rosenberg why 30 needs
I asked Marshall Rosenberg why 30 needs and not seven
and not seven
and not seven fifty-five and he said oh it could be 30
fifty-five and he said oh it could be 30
fifty-five and he said oh it could be 30 or 755 they need to survive for example
or 755 they need to survive for example
or 755 they need to survive for example could be further broken down into the
could be further broken down into the
could be further broken down into the needs to not walk off a cliff or to not
needs to not walk off a cliff or to not
needs to not walk off a cliff or to not be eaten by predators there is just a
be eaten by predators there is just a
be eaten by predators there is just a useful level of aggregation I thought
useful level of aggregation I thought
useful level of aggregation I thought okay that’s a good answer but what about
okay that’s a good answer but what about
okay that’s a good answer but what about this Marshall what are needs from a
this Marshall what are needs from a
this Marshall what are needs from a neurological perspective what’s
neurological perspective what’s
neurological perspective what’s happening in the brain how do they
happening in the brain how do they
happening in the brain how do they actually motivate us and here Marshall
actually motivate us and here Marshall
actually motivate us and here Marshall said oh that’s simple needs our
said oh that’s simple needs our
said oh that’s simple needs our lifeforce human life force and I thought
lifeforce human life force and I thought
lifeforce human life force and I thought whoa that’s not science at all and so I
whoa that’s not science at all and so I
whoa that’s not science at all and so I spent the next two years
spent the next two years
spent the next two years meeting with neuropsychologists and
meeting with neuropsychologists and
meeting with neuropsychologists and speaking with evolutionary biologists
speaking with evolutionary biologists
speaking with evolutionary biologists and reading cognitive journals with
and reading cognitive journals with
and reading cognitive journals with footnotes and I eventually concluded
footnotes and I eventually concluded
footnotes and I eventually concluded this need stuff is grounded in solid
this need stuff is grounded in solid
this need stuff is grounded in solid science and because research shows that
science and because research shows that
science and because research shows that if you mentioned the word neuroscience
if you mentioned the word neuroscience
if you mentioned the word neuroscience or brain in a big talk it’s a thousand
or brain in a big talk it’s a thousand
or brain in a big talk it’s a thousand times more likely to go viral let me say
times more likely to go viral let me say
times more likely to go viral let me say this is neuroscience brain science neuro
this is neuroscience brain science neuro
this is neuroscience brain science neuro and brain neuro brain now I’m not a
and brain neuro brain now I’m not a
and brain neuro brain now I’m not a scientist
scientist
scientist I’m a lawyer a mediator and a writer but
I’m a lawyer a mediator and a writer but
I’m a lawyer a mediator and a writer but being a layperson has allowed me to
being a layperson has allowed me to
being a layperson has allowed me to unravel the science to translate it away
unravel the science to translate it away
unravel the science to translate it away from chemicals like oxytocin and
from chemicals like oxytocin and
from chemicals like oxytocin and dopamine and into what I believe is a
dopamine and into what I believe is a
dopamine and into what I believe is a useful narrative and so here’s what I
useful narrative and so here’s what I
useful narrative and so here’s what I believe is going on in the human brain
believe is going on in the human brain
believe is going on in the human brain with needs the human unconscious
with needs the human unconscious
with needs the human unconscious evaluates the world telling us whether
evaluates the world telling us whether
evaluates the world telling us whether it’s dangerous or friendly that’s its
it’s dangerous or friendly that’s its
it’s dangerous or friendly that’s its job once it reaches its conclusion it’s
job once it reaches its conclusion it’s
job once it reaches its conclusion it’s got to motivate the whole system
got to motivate the whole system
got to motivate the whole system including the conscious mind to do
including the conscious mind to do
including the conscious mind to do something about it how if it concludes
something about it how if it concludes
something about it how if it concludes that the world’s dangerous we naturally
that the world’s dangerous we naturally
that the world’s dangerous we naturally feel fear or anxiety we try to get less
feel fear or anxiety we try to get less
feel fear or anxiety we try to get less of what caused it if it concludes the
of what caused it if it concludes the
of what caused it if it concludes the world is friendly we naturally feel
world is friendly we naturally feel
world is friendly we naturally feel happy or excited and we try to get more
happy or excited and we try to get more
happy or excited and we try to get more but
but
but and this is the key how does the
and this is the key how does the
and this is the key how does the unconscious determine what’s dangerous
unconscious determine what’s dangerous
unconscious determine what’s dangerous and what’s friendly it’s not just left
and what’s friendly it’s not just left
and what’s friendly it’s not just left up to each of us individually rather the
up to each of us individually rather the
up to each of us individually rather the criteria upon which we evaluate the
criteria upon which we evaluate the
criteria upon which we evaluate the world is born into you and born into me
world is born into you and born into me
world is born into you and born into me and born into all of us those are the
and born into all of us those are the
and born into all of us those are the human needs those specific criteria were
human needs those specific criteria were
human needs those specific criteria were honed through evolution because they
honed through evolution because they
honed through evolution because they allow us to survive to relate to other
allow us to survive to relate to other
allow us to survive to relate to other people and ultimately to make more
people and ultimately to make more
people and ultimately to make more people am i being respected am i making
people am i being respected am i making
people am i being respected am i making a contribution in the world does she
a contribution in the world does she
a contribution in the world does she think I’m cute
think I’m cute
think I’m cute if so pleasure get more of that if not
if so pleasure get more of that if not
if so pleasure get more of that if not pain
pain
pain change the world it took me several
change the world it took me several
change the world it took me several years to unravel the science in a way
years to unravel the science in a way
years to unravel the science in a way that made narrative sense to me
that made narrative sense to me
that made narrative sense to me and yet in that time I actually stopped
and yet in that time I actually stopped
and yet in that time I actually stopped caring so much about what was happening
caring so much about what was happening
caring so much about what was happening in the brain I was using this and
in the brain I was using this and
in the brain I was using this and understanding people in a way that I
understanding people in a way that I
understanding people in a way that I didn’t think was possible I was seeing
didn’t think was possible I was seeing
didn’t think was possible I was seeing their hearts it worked and really that’s
their hearts it worked and really that’s
their hearts it worked and really that’s what counts
what counts
what counts I’d like to tie this together with a
I’d like to tie this together with a
I’d like to tie this together with a with a story as I said I’m a mediator
with a story as I said I’m a mediator
with a story as I said I’m a mediator when people are at war they they come to
when people are at war they they come to
when people are at war they they come to me and I help them work it out not too
me and I help them work it out not too
me and I help them work it out not too long ago I was visited by a couple that
long ago I was visited by a couple that
long ago I was visited by a couple that had already been divorced the ex-wife
had already been divorced the ex-wife
had already been divorced the ex-wife Sofia said a precious object had gone
Sofia said a precious object had gone
Sofia said a precious object had gone missing
missing
missing what was it Sophia had never met her
what was it Sophia had never met her
what was it Sophia had never met her father and her mother died when she was
father and her mother died when she was
father and her mother died when she was a little girl she was raised by her
a little girl she was raised by her
a little girl she was raised by her grandmother and in her grandmother’s
grandmother and in her grandmother’s
grandmother and in her grandmother’s house hung this large painting painted
house hung this large painting painted
house hung this large painting painted by Sophia’s grandmother of Sophia’s
by Sophia’s grandmother of Sophia’s
by Sophia’s grandmother of Sophia’s mother Sophia used to look at this
mother Sophia used to look at this
mother Sophia used to look at this painting when she was a little girl and
painting when she was a little girl and
painting when she was a little girl and imagined herself holding her mom’s hand
imagined herself holding her mom’s hand
imagined herself holding her mom’s hand and kissing her mom’s cheek Sophia’s
and kissing her mom’s cheek Sophia’s
and kissing her mom’s cheek Sophia’s grandmother the painter died a few weeks
grandmother the painter died a few weeks
grandmother the painter died a few weeks before the mediation and in her final
before the mediation and in her final
before the mediation and in her final hours she signed the picture Sophia
hours she signed the picture Sophia
hours she signed the picture Sophia described this with tears
described this with tears
described this with tears and finally look to her ex-husband and
and finally look to her ex-husband and
and finally look to her ex-husband and she said Frank took the picture
she said Frank took the picture
she said Frank took the picture Frank when are you going to stop trying
Frank when are you going to stop trying
Frank when are you going to stop trying to punish me for the affair I looked the
to punish me for the affair I looked the
to punish me for the affair I looked the guy and his face was cold as stone and I
guy and his face was cold as stone and I
guy and his face was cold as stone and I thought whoa people come to see me
thought whoa people come to see me
thought whoa people come to see me because I can help solve their problems
because I can help solve their problems
because I can help solve their problems but I’m kind of a one-trick pony
but I’m kind of a one-trick pony
but I’m kind of a one-trick pony the thing is I have this excellent trick
the thing is I have this excellent trick
the thing is I have this excellent trick I can help them understand each other’s
I can help them understand each other’s
I can help them understand each other’s hidden motivations and I knew something
hidden motivations and I knew something
hidden motivations and I knew something that Sophia didn’t Frank wasn’t trying
that Sophia didn’t Frank wasn’t trying
that Sophia didn’t Frank wasn’t trying to punish her people often think revenge
to punish her people often think revenge
to punish her people often think revenge is a human motive but hurting another
is a human motive but hurting another
is a human motive but hurting another person is not a human need now how do I
person is not a human need now how do I
person is not a human need now how do I know well here’s a trick I developed a
know well here’s a trick I developed a
know well here’s a trick I developed a few years ago that I find very useful if
few years ago that I find very useful if
few years ago that I find very useful if you ever think that somebody is
you ever think that somebody is
you ever think that somebody is motivated by something that doesn’t
motivated by something that doesn’t
motivated by something that doesn’t personally give you pleasure you
personally give you pleasure you
personally give you pleasure you actually haven’t found their motivation
actually haven’t found their motivation
actually haven’t found their motivation go deeper I don’t get pleasure from
go deeper I don’t get pleasure from
go deeper I don’t get pleasure from hurting other people if it’s not in me
hurting other people if it’s not in me
hurting other people if it’s not in me it’s not a common need and if it’s not a
it’s not a common need and if it’s not a
it’s not a common need and if it’s not a common need it’s not a human motivation
common need it’s not a human motivation
common need it’s not a human motivation go deeper revenge is pursued to fulfill
go deeper revenge is pursued to fulfill
go deeper revenge is pursued to fulfill another need but what it varies but very
another need but what it varies but very
another need but what it varies but very often it’s a need for understanding if I
often it’s a need for understanding if I
often it’s a need for understanding if I hurt you you will understand at the
hurt you you will understand at the
hurt you you will understand at the level of personal pain at the level of
level of personal pain at the level of
level of personal pain at the level of intense personal suffering what you did
intense personal suffering what you did
intense personal suffering what you did to me you’ll finally get it this wasn’t
to me you’ll finally get it this wasn’t
to me you’ll finally get it this wasn’t the case for Frank my theory that he had
the case for Frank my theory that he had
the case for Frank my theory that he had taken the picture in order to be
taken the picture in order to be
taken the picture in order to be understood for the pain of the affair
understood for the pain of the affair
understood for the pain of the affair was wrong I often guess wrong but that I
was wrong I often guess wrong but that I
was wrong I often guess wrong but that I was guessing and without blame convinced
was guessing and without blame convinced
was guessing and without blame convinced him to share something else
him to share something else
him to share something else his eyes welled with tears and he looked
his eyes welled with tears and he looked
his eyes welled with tears and he looked over at his ex-wife Sophia and he said
over at his ex-wife Sophia and he said
over at his ex-wife Sophia and he said so she had become my grandmother too she
so she had become my grandmother too she
so she had become my grandmother too she was all that I had you were all that I
was all that I had you were all that I
was all that I had you were all that I had Frank was an orphan too just like
had Frank was an orphan too just like
had Frank was an orphan too just like Sophia he took the paint
Sophia he took the paint
Sophia he took the paint to fulfill a common human need of
to fulfill a common human need of
to fulfill a common human need of connection hurting Sophia was never the
connection hurting Sophia was never the
connection hurting Sophia was never the point
point
point Sophia moved next to Frank on the couch
Sophia moved next to Frank on the couch
Sophia moved next to Frank on the couch and she wrapped her arms around him and
and she wrapped her arms around him and
and she wrapped her arms around him and they sobbed together for ten minutes and
they sobbed together for ten minutes and
they sobbed together for ten minutes and I cried too ten minutes
I cried too ten minutes
I cried too ten minutes what was I going to do Frank ultimately
what was I going to do Frank ultimately
what was I going to do Frank ultimately returned the painting to Sophia and she
returned the painting to Sophia and she
returned the painting to Sophia and she dug up a trove of old photos of Frank
dug up a trove of old photos of Frank
dug up a trove of old photos of Frank with her grandmother so that he could
with her grandmother so that he could
with her grandmother so that he could remember his family understand what
remember his family understand what
remember his family understand what happened here we didn’t make the common
happened here we didn’t make the common
happened here we didn’t make the common an easy mistake thinking that revenge is
an easy mistake thinking that revenge is
an easy mistake thinking that revenge is a motive instead we went to the source
a motive instead we went to the source
a motive instead we went to the source of all human motivation to the common
of all human motivation to the common
of all human motivation to the common needs when Sophia understood that Frank
needs when Sophia understood that Frank
needs when Sophia understood that Frank had simply needed connection human
had simply needed connection human
had simply needed connection human connection and in particular to her
connection and in particular to her
connection and in particular to her grandmother she got it she could feel it
grandmother she got it she could feel it
grandmother she got it she could feel it and then the magic and then solutions
and then the magic and then solutions
and then the magic and then solutions now many people including some of this
now many people including some of this
now many people including some of this audience are wary of understanding
audience are wary of understanding
audience are wary of understanding others and especially during conflict
others and especially during conflict
others and especially during conflict the thought goes like this if I
the thought goes like this if I
the thought goes like this if I understand the reasons you did what you
understand the reasons you did what you
understand the reasons you did what you did I’m basically saying you were
did I’m basically saying you were
did I’m basically saying you were justified understanding seems like
justified understanding seems like
justified understanding seems like condoning and for this reason people
condoning and for this reason people
condoning and for this reason people often say don’t go inside the mind of a
often say don’t go inside the mind of a
often say don’t go inside the mind of a terrorist don’t get them to get a
terrorist don’t get them to get a
terrorist don’t get them to get a terrorist is too legitimate terrorism
terrorist is too legitimate terrorism
terrorist is too legitimate terrorism it’s the be an apologist and for this
it’s the be an apologist and for this
it’s the be an apologist and for this reason it was suggested to me that I
reason it was suggested to me that I
reason it was suggested to me that I dropped from my talk the piece about the
dropped from my talk the piece about the
dropped from my talk the piece about the Taliban teenager because then people
Taliban teenager because then people
Taliban teenager because then people might think I condone terrorism let me
might think I condone terrorism let me
might think I condone terrorism let me make something perfectly clear
make something perfectly clear
make something perfectly clear understanding reasons is different than
understanding reasons is different than
understanding reasons is different than condoning I’ve learned through thousands
condoning I’ve learned through thousands
condoning I’ve learned through thousands of mediations understanding is a power
of mediations understanding is a power
of mediations understanding is a power to shape the world far greater than any
to shape the world far greater than any
to shape the world far greater than any sword or gone understanding is exactly
sword or gone understanding is exactly
sword or gone understanding is exactly how you create the world that you want I
how you create the world that you want I
how you create the world that you want I began this talk asking is it possible to
began this talk asking is it possible to
began this talk asking is it possible to understand every
understand every
understand every a deep and meaningful level even those
a deep and meaningful level even those
a deep and meaningful level even those that are different from you and the
that are different from you and the
that are different from you and the answer is yes when your teenage daughter
asks you for that hair straightener and
asks you for that hair straightener and just one week after you bought her that
just one week after you bought her that
just one week after you bought her that hair crimper and she’s standing at the
hair crimper and she’s standing at the
hair crimper and she’s standing at the top of the stairs with this crazy
top of the stairs with this crazy
top of the stairs with this crazy crimped hair screaming you just don’t
crimped hair screaming you just don’t
crimped hair screaming you just don’t understand this is how you understand
understand this is how you understand
understand this is how you understand what is she needed she wants to be
what is she needed she wants to be
what is she needed she wants to be accepted liked the desire to be accepted
accepted liked the desire to be accepted
accepted liked the desire to be accepted to be liked is in you is in me is in
to be liked is in you is in me is in
to be liked is in you is in me is in everyone in this audience and so you can
everyone in this audience and so you can
everyone in this audience and so you can understand exactly what she feels and
understand exactly what she feels and
understand exactly what she feels and that alone will transform your
that alone will transform your
that alone will transform your relationship and then come the solutions
relationship and then come the solutions
relationship and then come the solutions even if it’s only I see you my beautiful
even if it’s only I see you my beautiful
even if it’s only I see you my beautiful little girl I get you there’s a formula
little girl I get you there’s a formula
little girl I get you there’s a formula for understanding why we do what we do
for understanding why we do what we do
for understanding why we do what we do and once you get it you get it human
and once you get it you get it human
and once you get it you get it human behavior is complex but human motivation
behavior is complex but human motivation
behavior is complex but human motivation is simple we seek the common needs and
is simple we seek the common needs and
is simple we seek the common needs and nothing else we seek the common needs
nothing else we seek the common needs
nothing else we seek the common needs and nothing else the common needs are
and nothing else the common needs are
and nothing else the common needs are human motivation learn this language of
human motivation learn this language of
human motivation learn this language of the unconscious this language of the
the unconscious this language of the
the unconscious this language of the heart and you’ll improve every
heart and you’ll improve every
heart and you’ll improve every relationship in your life thank
you
you [Music]
[Music]
[Music] [Applause]
”
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