the question Who am I encompasses notions of identity soul integrity and
notions of identity soul integrity and
notions of identity soul integrity and above all a sense of self it’s a
above all a sense of self it’s a
above all a sense of self it’s a question of supreme importance because
question of supreme importance because
question of supreme importance because in it we locate our value and our values
in it we locate our value and our values
in it we locate our value and our values in fact having no self or having a
in fact having no self or having a
in fact having no self or having a valueless self feels like death yet
valueless self feels like death yet
valueless self feels like death yet psychological research now shows us that
psychological research now shows us that
psychological research now shows us that the concept of in itself as an enduring
the concept of in itself as an enduring
the concept of in itself as an enduring and cohesive entity is illusory
and cohesive entity is illusory
and cohesive entity is illusory there is no brain area or neural
there is no brain area or neural
there is no brain area or neural activity that can be correlated with the
activity that can be correlated with the
activity that can be correlated with the self there is no stable store of memory
self there is no stable store of memory
self there is no stable store of memory that can define a self memories it turns
that can define a self memories it turns
that can define a self memories it turns out are constantly being reconstructed
out are constantly being reconstructed
out are constantly being reconstructed and revised physically we change cells
and revised physically we change cells
and revised physically we change cells are replaced so there’s no fixed
are replaced so there’s no fixed
are replaced so there’s no fixed material thread running throughout our
material thread running throughout our
material thread running throughout our lives the self psychologists tell us is
lives the self psychologists tell us is
lives the self psychologists tell us is an illusion but the fact that it’s an
an illusion but the fact that it’s an
an illusion but the fact that it’s an illusion doesn’t mean it’s false it
illusion doesn’t mean it’s false it
illusion doesn’t mean it’s false it simply means we may not be seeing it as
simply means we may not be seeing it as
simply means we may not be seeing it as it really is
it really is
it really is so instead of discarding it this is an
so instead of discarding it this is an
so instead of discarding it this is an opportunity to think anew about key
opportunity to think anew about key
opportunity to think anew about key concepts of the self and the first thing
concepts of the self and the first thing
concepts of the self and the first thing that we want to think about is its
that we want to think about is its
that we want to think about is its origin how does a sense of self arise
origin how does a sense of self arise
origin how does a sense of self arise where does this concept of me inside a
where does this concept of me inside a
where does this concept of me inside a body come from well a sense of Who I am
body come from well a sense of Who I am
body come from well a sense of Who I am develops in the distinctive
develops in the distinctive
develops in the distinctive interpersonal world of humans it is
interpersonal world of humans it is
interpersonal world of humans it is relational we are born into
relational we are born into
relational we are born into relationships in which we’re totally
relationships in which we’re totally
relationships in which we’re totally dependent we are dependent on others to
dependent we are dependent on others to
dependent we are dependent on others to feed us keep us warm and keep us safe
feed us keep us warm and keep us safe
feed us keep us warm and keep us safe and their responses to us also breathe
and their responses to us also breathe
and their responses to us also breathe in to us the idea
in to us the idea
in to us the idea of a self now there are many brain
of a self now there are many brain
of a self now there are many brain shaping forces of parental pair but here
shaping forces of parental pair but here
shaping forces of parental pair but here I want to focus on how that phenomenal
I want to focus on how that phenomenal
I want to focus on how that phenomenal communicator the human face sets the
communicator the human face sets the
communicator the human face sets the groundwork for the idea of a self now
groundwork for the idea of a self now
groundwork for the idea of a self now even before birth retinal cells send
even before birth retinal cells send
even before birth retinal cells send signals to the brain and waves of
signals to the brain and waves of
signals to the brain and waves of activity cross the unborn infants eye so
activity cross the unborn infants eye so
activity cross the unborn infants eye so that by the time the newborn does open
that by the time the newborn does open
that by the time the newborn does open her eyes the brain will be prepared for
her eyes the brain will be prepared for
her eyes the brain will be prepared for its work recognizing and responding to
its work recognizing and responding to
its work recognizing and responding to faces and there’s also a reflex that
faces and there’s also a reflex that
faces and there’s also a reflex that ensures the newborn turns towards the
ensures the newborn turns towards the
ensures the newborn turns towards the person who holds her and shows a special
person who holds her and shows a special
person who holds her and shows a special interest in a face when the eyes are
interest in a face when the eyes are
interest in a face when the eyes are directed at her and what normally
directed at her and what normally
directed at her and what normally happens in a normal good enough
happens in a normal good enough
happens in a normal good enough environment parent and infant locked
environment parent and infant locked
environment parent and infant locked together in a mutual gaze each absorbed
together in a mutual gaze each absorbed
together in a mutual gaze each absorbed and fascinated by the other and this
and fascinated by the other and this
and fascinated by the other and this mutual gaze is sometimes referred to as
mutual gaze is sometimes referred to as
mutual gaze is sometimes referred to as I love it bypasses language it is rich
I love it bypasses language it is rich
I love it bypasses language it is rich with adoration and romance in fact it
with adoration and romance in fact it
with adoration and romance in fact it floods the infant with the same hormones
floods the infant with the same hormones
floods the infant with the same hormones that trigger that high of sexual love
that trigger that high of sexual love
that trigger that high of sexual love and these chemically powerful exchanges
and these chemically powerful exchanges
and these chemically powerful exchanges introduce us to the importance of what
introduce us to the importance of what
introduce us to the importance of what others see and how they see us so babies
others see and how they see us so babies
others see and how they see us so babies soon learn in this normal or good enough
soon learn in this normal or good enough
soon learn in this normal or good enough environment that a face looking at them
environment that a face looking at them
environment that a face looking at them will be responsive and curious and about
will be responsive and curious and about
will be responsive and curious and about the age of two months they reciprocate
the age of two months they reciprocate
the age of two months they reciprocate by smiling at a face – looking directly
by smiling at a face – looking directly
by smiling at a face – looking directly at them the smiling is more than mimicry
at them the smiling is more than mimicry
at them the smiling is more than mimicry it’s a response to the message what I
it’s a response to the message what I
it’s a response to the message what I see is wonderful I think you’re good I
see is wonderful I think you’re good I
see is wonderful I think you’re good I think you have value and this message is
think you have value and this message is
think you have value and this message is essential to our emotion
essential to our emotion
essential to our emotion and indeed our psychological well-being
and indeed our psychological well-being
and indeed our psychological well-being but it’s not sufficient in and of itself
but it’s not sufficient in and of itself
but it’s not sufficient in and of itself to give substance to our sense of self
to give substance to our sense of self
to give substance to our sense of self it’s in large part what happens when an
it’s in large part what happens when an
it’s in large part what happens when an infant experiences need and stress that
infant experiences need and stress that
infant experiences need and stress that initiates this concept of an inner me we
initiates this concept of an inner me we
initiates this concept of an inner me we can see that when a baby cries he or she
can see that when a baby cries he or she
can see that when a baby cries he or she is filled with chaotic terrible emotions
is filled with chaotic terrible emotions
is filled with chaotic terrible emotions flooded with these emotions and a carer
flooded with these emotions and a carer
flooded with these emotions and a carer is likely to respond by composing her
is likely to respond by composing her
is likely to respond by composing her face in some aspects in some respects
face in some aspects in some respects
face in some aspects in some respects that mirror the baby’s distress so there
that mirror the baby’s distress so there
that mirror the baby’s distress so there will be an exaggerated frown and a
will be an exaggerated frown and a
will be an exaggerated frown and a furrowed brow but there are also cooing
furrowed brow but there are also cooing
furrowed brow but there are also cooing soothing noises and in this response
soothing noises and in this response
soothing noises and in this response which is called marked mirroring the
which is called marked mirroring the
which is called marked mirroring the carer is able to convey the highly
carer is able to convey the highly
carer is able to convey the highly sophisticated message that she is not
sophisticated message that she is not
sophisticated message that she is not sharing the baby or the child’s feelings
sharing the baby or the child’s feelings
sharing the baby or the child’s feelings but she is looking in to his feelings
but she is looking in to his feelings
but she is looking in to his feelings she’s not feeling the same thing he’s
she’s not feeling the same thing he’s
she’s not feeling the same thing he’s feeling but she is able to give him a
feeling but she is able to give him a
feeling but she is able to give him a concept of his or her mental state and
concept of his or her mental state and
concept of his or her mental state and the understanding that other people can
the understanding that other people can
the understanding that other people can look in to what she’s feeling and
look in to what she’s feeling and
look in to what she’s feeling and perhaps even help her manage those
perhaps even help her manage those
perhaps even help her manage those chaotic overwhelming feelings now of
chaotic overwhelming feelings now of
chaotic overwhelming feelings now of course this doesn’t happen all at once
course this doesn’t happen all at once
course this doesn’t happen all at once but in the first months and years of
but in the first months and years of
but in the first months and years of life brain circuits proliferate day by
life brain circuits proliferate day by
life brain circuits proliferate day by day that provide the mental software for
day that provide the mental software for
day that provide the mental software for thinking about our inner world and
thinking about our inner world and
thinking about our inner world and eventually this develops into a very
eventually this develops into a very
eventually this develops into a very impressive capacity called mentalizing
impressive capacity called mentalizing
impressive capacity called mentalizing now mentalizing is different from
now mentalizing is different from
now mentalizing is different from knowing what an other person thinks it’s
knowing what an other person thinks it’s
knowing what an other person thinks it’s different from empathizing with another
different from empathizing with another
different from empathizing with another person it’s the ability to identify
person it’s the ability to identify
person it’s the ability to identify one’s own thoughts and feelings
one’s own thoughts and feelings
one’s own thoughts and feelings and to see that these inform one’s
and to see that these inform one’s
and to see that these inform one’s behavior and that other people are
behavior and that other people are
behavior and that other people are responding to you because they see your
responding to you because they see your
responding to you because they see your behavior and understand from that your
behavior and understand from that your
behavior and understand from that your thoughts and feelings and it also
thoughts and feelings and it also
thoughts and feelings and it also provides you with a model for seeing
provides you with a model for seeing
provides you with a model for seeing into other people’s thoughts and
into other people’s thoughts and
into other people’s thoughts and feelings from their behavior you learn
feelings from their behavior you learn
feelings from their behavior you learn how to interpret their behavior and here
how to interpret their behavior and here
how to interpret their behavior and here we begin to have a clear sense of
we begin to have a clear sense of
we begin to have a clear sense of yourself and myself but there’s a second
yourself and myself but there’s a second
yourself and myself but there’s a second aspect of a question Who am I
aspect of a question Who am I
aspect of a question Who am I because I want to be able to distinguish
because I want to be able to distinguish
because I want to be able to distinguish Who I am
Who I am
Who I am from who other people are part of the
from who other people are part of the
from who other people are part of the value we give ourselves and give to
value we give ourselves and give to
value we give ourselves and give to others is uniqueness however important
others is uniqueness however important
others is uniqueness however important it is for us to be connected to others
it is for us to be connected to others
it is for us to be connected to others it’s important for us to be an
it’s important for us to be an
it’s important for us to be an individual and navigating that human
individual and navigating that human
individual and navigating that human urge to fit in with others to be liked
urge to fit in with others to be liked
urge to fit in with others to be liked by others to be like others on the one
by others to be like others on the one
by others to be like others on the one hand and the human urge to be
hand and the human urge to be
hand and the human urge to be distinctive on the other is part of the
distinctive on the other is part of the
distinctive on the other is part of the everyday work of the cells and this
everyday work of the cells and this
everyday work of the cells and this develops in different ways over time so
develops in different ways over time so
develops in different ways over time so the two-year-olds Tantrums I want to do
the two-year-olds Tantrums I want to do
the two-year-olds Tantrums I want to do it myself this is the cornerstone of an
it myself this is the cornerstone of an
it myself this is the cornerstone of an effective and empowered self later in
effective and empowered self later in
effective and empowered self later in friendships the child develops a whole
friendships the child develops a whole
friendships the child develops a whole new sense of her character through her
new sense of her character through her
new sense of her character through her peers she discovers that she can
peers she discovers that she can
peers she discovers that she can entertain others she can comfort others
entertain others she can comfort others
entertain others she can comfort others it’s a whole new interpersonal world
it’s a whole new interpersonal world
it’s a whole new interpersonal world outside the family and she discovers a
outside the family and she discovers a
outside the family and she discovers a new range of herself but it is in
new range of herself but it is in
new range of herself but it is in adolescence that we can see the true
adolescence that we can see the true
adolescence that we can see the true heat and power of this urge to define a
heat and power of this urge to define a
heat and power of this urge to define a self there’s a lot of anxiety and
self there’s a lot of anxiety and
self there’s a lot of anxiety and excitement in the teen sense of self
excitement in the teen sense of self
excitement in the teen sense of self because the teen is looking forward
because the teen is looking forward
because the teen is looking forward to who she might become and herself is
to who she might become and herself is
to who she might become and herself is unknown uncertain but also full of
unknown uncertain but also full of
unknown uncertain but also full of glamour and friends at this point become
glamour and friends at this point become
glamour and friends at this point become increasingly important as a sounding
increasingly important as a sounding
increasingly important as a sounding board for who she might be and we do
board for who she might be and we do
board for who she might be and we do know that at this time teens are at risk
know that at this time teens are at risk
know that at this time teens are at risk of losing their self as they simply seek
of losing their self as they simply seek
of losing their self as they simply seek a reflection in their friends and try to
a reflection in their friends and try to
a reflection in their friends and try to fit in with their friends but most teens
fit in with their friends but most teens
fit in with their friends but most teens also use friendships to experiment with
also use friendships to experiment with
also use friendships to experiment with and explore and articulate who they are
and explore and articulate who they are
and explore and articulate who they are but the power of peers even in
but the power of peers even in
but the power of peers even in adolescence is often exaggerated teen
adolescence is often exaggerated teen
adolescence is often exaggerated teen parent exchanges were focused on the
parent exchanges were focused on the
parent exchanges were focused on the teens challenge to the parent do you see
teens challenge to the parent do you see
teens challenge to the parent do you see who I am do you see who I am now because
who I am do you see who I am now because
who I am do you see who I am now because the teen wanted to update a parent’s
the teen wanted to update a parent’s
the teen wanted to update a parent’s outmoded view of them as a child and you
outmoded view of them as a child and you
outmoded view of them as a child and you don’t really know me I heard over and
don’t really know me I heard over and
don’t really know me I heard over and over again as I observed parent and teen
over again as I observed parent and teen
over again as I observed parent and teen exchanges and that was a challenge to
exchanges and that was a challenge to
exchanges and that was a challenge to the parent to the slow stick-in-the-mud
the parent to the slow stick-in-the-mud
the parent to the slow stick-in-the-mud parent who wasn’t able to keep up with a
parent who wasn’t able to keep up with a
parent who wasn’t able to keep up with a changing teen and arguments would arise
changing teen and arguments would arise
changing teen and arguments would arise as the teen went to work on a parent to
as the teen went to work on a parent to
as the teen went to work on a parent to shake her into a new awareness of who
shake her into a new awareness of who
shake her into a new awareness of who she was so a lot of parent team conflict
she was so a lot of parent team conflict
she was so a lot of parent team conflict has been in the past interpreted as the
has been in the past interpreted as the
has been in the past interpreted as the teens efforts to rebel against or
teens efforts to rebel against or
teens efforts to rebel against or separate from a parent but in fact I
separate from a parent but in fact I
separate from a parent but in fact I found that a lot of this conflict was a
found that a lot of this conflict was a
found that a lot of this conflict was a desperate bid for recognition from a
desperate bid for recognition from a
desperate bid for recognition from a parent whose reflection was still very
parent whose reflection was still very
parent whose reflection was still very very important to the team now the
very important to the team now the
very important to the team now the intimacy between who I am and who I am
intimacy between who I am and who I am
intimacy between who I am and who I am in relation to others
in relation to others
in relation to others makes us vulnerable to poor
makes us vulnerable to poor
makes us vulnerable to poor relationships and to ruptures in
relationships and to ruptures in
relationships and to ruptures in relationships so children are very
relationships so children are very
relationships so children are very vulnerable to parental neglect or abuse
vulnerable to parental neglect or abuse
vulnerable to parental neglect or abuse and throughout our lives were vulnerable
and throughout our lives were vulnerable
and throughout our lives were vulnerable to bereavement Who am I
to bereavement Who am I
to bereavement Who am I we may ask when a parent or a partner
we may ask when a parent or a partner
we may ask when a parent or a partner dies and part of this is because we
dies and part of this is because we
dies and part of this is because we identify as a son or daughter or a
identify as a son or daughter or a
identify as a son or daughter or a partner of that person but there’s also
partner of that person but there’s also
partner of that person but there’s also a blankness because death deprives us of
a blankness because death deprives us of
a blankness because death deprives us of that resonance from that person that
that resonance from that person that
that resonance from that person that resonance that sort of helped us make
resonance that sort of helped us make
resonance that sort of helped us make out the boundaries or the shape of our
out the boundaries or the shape of our
out the boundaries or the shape of our selves and then think about ruptures and
selves and then think about ruptures and
selves and then think about ruptures and relationships or conflict-ridden
relationships or conflict-ridden
relationships or conflict-ridden relationships that will often give us a
relationships that will often give us a
relationships that will often give us a bad resonance so the rage that so often
bad resonance so the rage that so often
bad resonance so the rage that so often emerges in the prolonged process of
emerges in the prolonged process of
emerges in the prolonged process of divorce results from the insult of that
divorce results from the insult of that
divorce results from the insult of that negative mirroring from someone who was
negative mirroring from someone who was
negative mirroring from someone who was once entrusted to present a very
once entrusted to present a very
once entrusted to present a very positive reflection and here emerges a
positive reflection and here emerges a
positive reflection and here emerges a third crucial element in the question
third crucial element in the question
third crucial element in the question Who am I we need to find an answer that
Who am I we need to find an answer that
Who am I we need to find an answer that is comfortable that gives us pride and
is comfortable that gives us pride and
is comfortable that gives us pride and psychology has endless fodder from the
psychology has endless fodder from the
psychology has endless fodder from the minds quirks in supporting its own
minds quirks in supporting its own
minds quirks in supporting its own self-esteem
self-esteem
self-esteem there’s the self-serving bias which can
there’s the self-serving bias which can
there’s the self-serving bias which can distort memory and perception making me
distort memory and perception making me
distort memory and perception making me thinks that I’m better than I am or that
thinks that I’m better than I am or that
thinks that I’m better than I am or that my assets are more important than my
my assets are more important than my
my assets are more important than my deficits my successes are more important
deficits my successes are more important
deficits my successes are more important than my failures I even likely to have a
than my failures I even likely to have a
than my failures I even likely to have a much better memory for times when I
much better memory for times when I
much better memory for times when I behaved well than I am for times when I
behaved well than I am for times when I
behaved well than I am for times when I behaved badly or memory may serve my
behaved badly or memory may serve my
behaved badly or memory may serve my esteem so well that I remember
esteem so well that I remember
esteem so well that I remember myself behaving well even when in fact I
myself behaving well even when in fact I
myself behaving well even when in fact I behaved badly there’s also the
behaved badly there’s also the
behaved badly there’s also the superiority illusion that makes us feel
superiority illusion that makes us feel
superiority illusion that makes us feel we’re a cut above others so most people
we’re a cut above others so most people
we’re a cut above others so most people think that they are less biased than
think that they are less biased than
think that they are less biased than other people more tolerant that they’re
other people more tolerant that they’re
other people more tolerant that they’re more committed to more engaged with
more committed to more engaged with
more committed to more engaged with their moral values than other people and
their moral values than other people and
their moral values than other people and 90% of people when asked about their
90% of people when asked about their
90% of people when asked about their driving skills will say that as drivers
driving skills will say that as drivers
driving skills will say that as drivers they are better than average so the
they are better than average so the
they are better than average so the superiority illusion allows us to defy
superiority illusion allows us to defy
superiority illusion allows us to defy the laws of average and be sure that we
the laws of average and be sure that we
the laws of average and be sure that we are above average there’s also the
are above average there’s also the
are above average there’s also the fundamental attribution error which may
fundamental attribution error which may
fundamental attribution error which may support our esteem but often at the
support our esteem but often at the
support our esteem but often at the expense of our relationships because the
expense of our relationships because the
expense of our relationships because the attribution error means that I am sure
attribution error means that I am sure
attribution error means that I am sure that my bad behavior or my mistakes or
that my bad behavior or my mistakes or
that my bad behavior or my mistakes or my failures are due to something in the
my failures are due to something in the
my failures are due to something in the environment around me whereas your
environment around me whereas your
environment around me whereas your failures your mistakes any accident you
failures your mistakes any accident you
failures your mistakes any accident you have any bad behavior that’s the result
have any bad behavior that’s the result
have any bad behavior that’s the result of your character and we can see this as
of your character and we can see this as
of your character and we can see this as having a devastating effect in
having a devastating effect in
having a devastating effect in interpersonal quarrels
interpersonal quarrels
interpersonal quarrels particularly in marital quarrels now we
particularly in marital quarrels now we
particularly in marital quarrels now we need this protection even though it can
need this protection even though it can
need this protection even though it can get us into trouble we need it because
get us into trouble we need it because
get us into trouble we need it because seeing ourselves negatively is painful
seeing ourselves negatively is painful
seeing ourselves negatively is painful in fact people who lack all of these
in fact people who lack all of these
in fact people who lack all of these self-serving biases are at risk of
self-serving biases are at risk of
self-serving biases are at risk of clinical depression but even smaller
clinical depression but even smaller
clinical depression but even smaller fronts to our esteem is painful
fronts to our esteem is painful
fronts to our esteem is painful think about embarrassment something only
think about embarrassment something only
think about embarrassment something only a very social animal can feel and that
a very social animal can feel and that
a very social animal can feel and that is so painful that sometimes when we’re
is so painful that sometimes when we’re
is so painful that sometimes when we’re embarrassed we say I was mortified and
embarrassed we say I was mortified and
embarrassed we say I was mortified and mortified comes from the word mortis
mortified comes from the word mortis
mortified comes from the word mortis meaning death and it’s a good
meaning death and it’s a good
meaning death and it’s a good description of that in word crumbling
description of that in word crumbling
description of that in word crumbling that wish to die and
that wish to die and
that wish to die and appear that we feel when even for a
appear that we feel when even for a
appear that we feel when even for a moment our self is covered in shame and
moment our self is covered in shame and
moment our self is covered in shame and deep and more prolonged shame can result
deep and more prolonged shame can result
deep and more prolonged shame can result not only from what we do and how we mess
not only from what we do and how we mess
not only from what we do and how we mess up but how others treat us so if we’re
up but how others treat us so if we’re
up but how others treat us so if we’re excluded if we’re abused if we’re
excluded if we’re abused if we’re
excluded if we’re abused if we’re bullied we can feel that we are living
bullied we can feel that we are living
bullied we can feel that we are living in a state of shame and because shame is
in a state of shame and because shame is
in a state of shame and because shame is so toxic to the self many people choose
so toxic to the self many people choose
so toxic to the self many people choose death rather than live with the
death rather than live with the
death rather than live with the brutality of shame as the psychiatrist
brutality of shame as the psychiatrist
brutality of shame as the psychiatrist James Gilligan says shame is tantamount
James Gilligan says shame is tantamount
James Gilligan says shame is tantamount to the death of the self and without
to the death of the self and without
to the death of the self and without confirmation of its value the self dies
confirmation of its value the self dies
confirmation of its value the self dies as surely as the body dies without
as surely as the body dies without
as surely as the body dies without oxygen so the question Who am I has been
oxygen so the question Who am I has been
oxygen so the question Who am I has been a starting point for philosophy
a starting point for philosophy
a starting point for philosophy psychology history and literature and
psychology history and literature and
psychology history and literature and our current inability to give a succinct
our current inability to give a succinct
our current inability to give a succinct definition doesn’t diminish its power
definition doesn’t diminish its power
definition doesn’t diminish its power its power can sometimes distort us and
its power can sometimes distort us and
its power can sometimes distort us and mislead us but it’s capable of fueling
mislead us but it’s capable of fueling
mislead us but it’s capable of fueling our curiosity intelligence and
our curiosity intelligence and
our curiosity intelligence and imagination not only about ourselves our
imagination not only about ourselves our
imagination not only about ourselves our values and our desires but also about
values and our desires but also about
values and our desires but also about the other people with whom we live who
the other people with whom we live who
the other people with whom we live who are equally engaged with the question
are equally engaged with the question
are equally engaged with the question Who am I
”
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