The Gift of Second Chances | Patty Steele | TEDxTraverseCity

[Music]

[Music] last year I had the privilege of being

last year I had the privilege of being

last year I had the privilege of being the invited guests of the TEDx

the invited guests of the TEDx

the invited guests of the TEDx organization and to sit in this very

organization and to sit in this very

organization and to sit in this very audience it was a wonderful day and

audience it was a wonderful day and

audience it was a wonderful day and everyone was warm and welcoming but as

everyone was warm and welcoming but as

everyone was warm and welcoming but as much as I knew I appeared to fit in I

much as I knew I appeared to fit in I

much as I knew I appeared to fit in I felt very different I had a secret it

felt very different I had a secret it

felt very different I had a secret it was a secret about my life it was a

was a secret about my life it was a

was a secret about my life it was a secret that I thought others would find

secret that I thought others would find

secret that I thought others would find repugnant and unforgivable a year ago I

repugnant and unforgivable a year ago I

repugnant and unforgivable a year ago I was a parolee of the state of Michigan I

was a parolee of the state of Michigan I

was a parolee of the state of Michigan I had spent seven years in prison for a

had spent seven years in prison for a

had spent seven years in prison for a drinking and driving accident in which a

drinking and driving accident in which a

drinking and driving accident in which a man was killed and his wife severely

man was killed and his wife severely

man was killed and his wife severely injured you see I am an alcoholic I have

injured you see I am an alcoholic I have

injured you see I am an alcoholic I have the disease of alcoholism I’m an addict

the disease of alcoholism I’m an addict

the disease of alcoholism I’m an addict on December 12 2007 I was driving drunk

on December 12 2007 I was driving drunk

on December 12 2007 I was driving drunk I crossed the center line and I hit

I crossed the center line and I hit

I crossed the center line and I hit another car head-on my blood alcohol

another car head-on my blood alcohol

another car head-on my blood alcohol content was 0.33 which is four times the

content was 0.33 which is four times the

content was 0.33 which is four times the legal limit

legal limit

legal limit I don’t remember anything about the

I don’t remember anything about the

I don’t remember anything about the accident but what I remember clearly is

accident but what I remember clearly is

accident but what I remember clearly is all the pain and the devastation that my

all the pain and the devastation that my

all the pain and the devastation that my alcoholism caused me those who loved me

alcoholism caused me those who loved me

alcoholism caused me those who loved me and the community I was raised the

and the community I was raised the

and the community I was raised the daughter of a successful attorney my

daughter of a successful attorney my

daughter of a successful attorney my mother was a stay-at-home mom who raised

mother was a stay-at-home mom who raised

mother was a stay-at-home mom who raised seven children I was number seven in our

seven children I was number seven in our

seven children I was number seven in our family education was a priority so we

family education was a priority so we

family education was a priority so we all attended private schools and we were

all attended private schools and we were

all attended private schools and we were expected to go to college I thought my

expected to go to college I thought my

expected to go to college I thought my family was normal in every way but what

family was normal in every way but what

family was normal in every way but what I didn’t realize at the time was the

I didn’t realize at the time was the

I didn’t realize at the time was the extreme role that alcohol played in our

extreme role that alcohol played in our

extreme role that alcohol played in our family it was powerful and it was

family it was powerful and it was

family it was powerful and it was cunning every holiday every birthday

cunning every holiday every birthday

cunning every holiday every birthday every celebration every commiseration

every celebration every commiseration

every celebration every commiseration included alcohol for the adults I grew

included alcohol for the adults I grew

included alcohol for the adults I grew up thinking that alcohol meant fun

up thinking that alcohol meant fun

up thinking that alcohol meant fun entertainment and a way to cope with

entertainment and a way to cope with

entertainment and a way to cope with life I

life I

life I my first drink at the age of eleven I

my first drink at the age of eleven I

my first drink at the age of eleven I remember sneaking into my parents liquor

remember sneaking into my parents liquor

remember sneaking into my parents liquor cabinet and pouring a little of every

cabinet and pouring a little of every

cabinet and pouring a little of every open bottle into a single glass which I

open bottle into a single glass which I

open bottle into a single glass which I covered with saran wrap my plan was to

covered with saran wrap my plan was to

covered with saran wrap my plan was to drink it on the weekend you see I was a

drink it on the weekend you see I was a

drink it on the weekend you see I was a normal child I was curious I just wanted

normal child I was curious I just wanted

normal child I was curious I just wanted to know the magic in those bottles so

to know the magic in those bottles so

to know the magic in those bottles so when the weekend came I retrieved my

when the weekend came I retrieved my

when the weekend came I retrieved my glass from its hiding place

glass from its hiding place

glass from its hiding place and I uncovered it the smell was strong

and I uncovered it the smell was strong

and I uncovered it the smell was strong and it was terribly revolting so I

and it was terribly revolting so I

and it was terribly revolting so I plugged my nose and I gulped it down at

plugged my nose and I gulped it down at

plugged my nose and I gulped it down at first I wanted to vomit but that’s

first I wanted to vomit but that’s

first I wanted to vomit but that’s unsafe sensation was soon replaced with

unsafe sensation was soon replaced with

unsafe sensation was soon replaced with another it was a feeling of warmth than

another it was a feeling of warmth than

another it was a feeling of warmth than a calmness that I had never experienced

a calmness that I had never experienced

a calmness that I had never experienced before and I liked it

before and I liked it

before and I liked it luckily I didn’t drink much during my

luckily I didn’t drink much during my

luckily I didn’t drink much during my teenage years but I do recall looking

teenage years but I do recall looking

teenage years but I do recall looking forward to joining the ranks of

forward to joining the ranks of

forward to joining the ranks of adulthood and drinking openly with my

adulthood and drinking openly with my

adulthood and drinking openly with my parents and older siblings when I was 18

parents and older siblings when I was 18

parents and older siblings when I was 18 and I had graduated from high school I

and I had graduated from high school I

and I had graduated from high school I moved from the Detroit area up here to

moved from the Detroit area up here to

moved from the Detroit area up here to Traverse City to go to school right here

Traverse City to go to school right here

Traverse City to go to school right here at NMC my college years were spent

at NMC my college years were spent

at NMC my college years were spent studying working and binge drinking on

studying working and binge drinking on

studying working and binge drinking on the weekends by the age of 21 I was

the weekends by the age of 21 I was

the weekends by the age of 21 I was married to an alcoholic he was a good

married to an alcoholic he was a good

married to an alcoholic he was a good man but an alcoholic my 20s and 30s were

man but an alcoholic my 20s and 30s were

man but an alcoholic my 20s and 30s were spent raising my three children and my

spent raising my three children and my

spent raising my three children and my only periods of abstinence or during my

only periods of abstinence or during my

only periods of abstinence or during my three pregnancies I didn’t see my

three pregnancies I didn’t see my

three pregnancies I didn’t see my drinking as a problem at that time

drinking as a problem at that time

drinking as a problem at that time because back then I could generally

because back then I could generally

because back then I could generally choose when I was going to drink and how

choose when I was going to drink and how

choose when I was going to drink and how much I was going to drink but what I

much I was going to drink but what I

much I was going to drink but what I didn’t recognize was that I was setting

didn’t recognize was that I was setting

didn’t recognize was that I was setting up the same alcoholic behavior patterns

up the same alcoholic behavior patterns

up the same alcoholic behavior patterns in my household as I had known in my

in my household as I had known in my

in my household as I had known in my parents in my late 30s life began to

parents in my late 30s life began to

parents in my late 30s life began to change for me and I became very unhappy

change for me and I became very unhappy

change for me and I became very unhappy I started reaching more and more for the

I started reaching more and more for the

I started reaching more and more for the drink just to deal to cope with the

drink just to deal to cope with the

drink just to deal to cope with the normal stresses of life when I was 39 I

normal stresses of life when I was 39 I

normal stresses of life when I was 39 I divorced my husband of 19 years and

divorced my husband of 19 years and

divorced my husband of 19 years and ironically one of the reasons I divorced

ironically one of the reasons I divorced

ironically one of the reasons I divorced him was to no longer be a victim of his

him was to no longer be a victim of his

him was to no longer be a victim of his alcoholism after the divorce I quickly

alcoholism after the divorce I quickly

alcoholism after the divorce I quickly remarried and again I chose a drinker

remarried and again I chose a drinker

remarried and again I chose a drinker this time a social drinker nobody

this time a social drinker nobody

this time a social drinker nobody realized how much I was drinking at the

realized how much I was drinking at the

realized how much I was drinking at the time because I had begun drinking in

time because I had begun drinking in

time because I had begun drinking in secret I had been lying about my

secret I had been lying about my

secret I had been lying about my drinking but when it became apparent

drinking but when it became apparent

drinking but when it became apparent that I did have a problem my husband

that I did have a problem my husband

that I did have a problem my husband came to me and he asked me to slow down

came to me and he asked me to slow down

came to me and he asked me to slow down to start controlling my drinking I tried

to start controlling my drinking I tried

to start controlling my drinking I tried but the more I tried the more I finally

but the more I tried the more I finally

but the more I tried the more I finally found that I couldn’t it was about this

found that I couldn’t it was about this

found that I couldn’t it was about this time that I got a DUI the DUI was

time that I got a DUI the DUI was

time that I got a DUI the DUI was terribly shameful and embarrassing not

terribly shameful and embarrassing not

terribly shameful and embarrassing not only for me but also for my family all

only for me but also for my family all

only for me but also for my family all of a sudden my secrets our family

of a sudden my secrets our family

of a sudden my secrets our family secrets were known by many the DUI also

secrets were known by many the DUI also

secrets were known by many the DUI also introduced a new element into my life it

introduced a new element into my life it

introduced a new element into my life it was the element of fear I now knew what

was the element of fear I now knew what

was the element of fear I now knew what it was like to ride in the backseat of a

it was like to ride in the backseat of a

it was like to ride in the backseat of a police car with my hands cuffed behind

police car with my hands cuffed behind

police car with my hands cuffed behind my back

my back

my back I knew the stench of the drunk tank and

I knew the stench of the drunk tank and

I knew the stench of the drunk tank and I knew what it meant to be afraid of the

I knew what it meant to be afraid of the

I knew what it meant to be afraid of the judge my family watch me struggle

judge my family watch me struggle

judge my family watch me struggle through the legal system losing my

through the legal system losing my

through the legal system losing my license gaining it back being on

license gaining it back being on

license gaining it back being on probation and all the while never

probation and all the while never

probation and all the while never quitting drinking when anybody would

quitting drinking when anybody would

quitting drinking when anybody would ever ask me how I was doing I would tell

ever ask me how I was doing I would tell

ever ask me how I was doing I would tell him I was fine but nothing was fine I

him I was fine but nothing was fine I

him I was fine but nothing was fine I finally decided that it was time to get

finally decided that it was time to get

finally decided that it was time to get some professional help in the next few

some professional help in the next few

some professional help in the next few years I went to three rehabs I went to

years I went to three rehabs I went to

years I went to three rehabs I went to individual counseling and I went to

individual counseling and I went to

individual counseling and I went to recovery meetings in the community but

recovery meetings in the community but

recovery meetings in the community but as much as I wanted sobriety and as much

as much as I wanted sobriety and as much

as much as I wanted sobriety and as much as I wanted to stop hurting and

as I wanted to stop hurting and

as I wanted to stop hurting and disappointing the people who loved me I

disappointing the people who loved me I

disappointing the people who loved me I could never stay sober for long

could never stay sober for long

could never stay sober for long it was while I was in my third rehab it

it was while I was in my third rehab it

it was while I was in my third rehab it was in New York that I received divorce

was in New York that I received divorce

was in New York that I received divorce papers from my second husband

papers from my second husband

papers from my second husband I was instantly overwhelmed with

I was instantly overwhelmed with

I was instantly overwhelmed with feelings of loneliness sadness and the

feelings of loneliness sadness and the

feelings of loneliness sadness and the fear that I would go home and I would

fear that I would go home and I would

fear that I would go home and I would fail again so when it came time to go

fail again so when it came time to go

fail again so when it came time to go home and I got on the plane it was like

home and I got on the plane it was like

home and I got on the plane it was like those feelings just erupted inside of me

those feelings just erupted inside of me

those feelings just erupted inside of me and without any forethought none at all

and without any forethought none at all

and without any forethought none at all I ordered a drink all it took was one

I ordered a drink all it took was one

I ordered a drink all it took was one drink one drink and the obsessions and

drink one drink and the obsessions and

drink one drink and the obsessions and the compulsion to drink returned along

the compulsion to drink returned along

the compulsion to drink returned along with the physical cravings when I got

with the physical cravings when I got

with the physical cravings when I got home my drinking us to escalate it again

home my drinking us to escalate it again

home my drinking us to escalate it again and this time along with the drinking

and this time along with the drinking

and this time along with the drinking came a lot of depression then along with

came a lot of depression then along with

came a lot of depression then along with the depression came suicidal thoughts

the depression came suicidal thoughts

the depression came suicidal thoughts followed by suicidal actions I tried to

followed by suicidal actions I tried to

followed by suicidal actions I tried to take my life many times you see I

take my life many times you see I

take my life many times you see I thought at the time that I had to end

thought at the time that I had to end

thought at the time that I had to end the cycle I had to end the pain for me

the cycle I had to end the pain for me

the cycle I had to end the pain for me and for everyone else I knew that if I

and for everyone else I knew that if I

and for everyone else I knew that if I were successful in taking my life that I

were successful in taking my life that I

were successful in taking my life that I would definitely hurt the people I loved

would definitely hurt the people I loved

would definitely hurt the people I loved especially my children but I also

especially my children but I also

especially my children but I also thought that they would go on the pain

thought that they would go on the pain

thought that they would go on the pain would lessen with time and they wouldn’t

would lessen with time and they wouldn’t

would lessen with time and they wouldn’t have the burden of me you see I no

have the burden of me you see I no

have the burden of me you see I no longer knew who I was and I no longer

longer knew who I was and I no longer

longer knew who I was and I no longer was a mother my kids could depend on as

was a mother my kids could depend on as

was a mother my kids could depend on as you can imagine living with me for my

you can imagine living with me for my

you can imagine living with me for my children became very very difficult

children became very very difficult

children became very very difficult my oldest son came to me when he was 17

my oldest son came to me when he was 17

my oldest son came to me when he was 17 and he said he was moving out of our

and he said he was moving out of our

and he said he was moving out of our home he was moving in with his

home he was moving in with his

home he was moving in with his girlfriend I knew he had to get away

girlfriend I knew he had to get away

girlfriend I knew he had to get away from me about a year so later my

from me about a year so later my

from me about a year so later my youngest son came to me and he said he

youngest son came to me and he said he

youngest son came to me and he said he was moving in with another family my

was moving in with another family my

was moving in with another family my heart was broken and it wasn’t long

heart was broken and it wasn’t long

heart was broken and it wasn’t long after that that my daughter she was 23

after that that my daughter she was 23

after that that my daughter she was 23 at the time and she had moved in and out

at the time and she had moved in and out

at the time and she had moved in and out of the house a couple times she came to

of the house a couple times she came to

of the house a couple times she came to me now this was a daughter that I knew

me now this was a daughter that I knew

me now this was a daughter that I knew would do absolutely anything in the

would do absolutely anything in the

would do absolutely anything in the world for me but she looked me in the

world for me but she looked me in the

world for me but she looked me in the eyes and she said mama I can’t do this

eyes and she said mama I can’t do this

eyes and she said mama I can’t do this anymore she said I don’t know when I

anymore she said I don’t know when I

anymore she said I don’t know when I come home if I’ll find you drunk

come home if I’ll find you drunk

come home if I’ll find you drunk or sober I don’t know if I’ll find you

or sober I don’t know if I’ll find you

or sober I don’t know if I’ll find you dead or alive she said I just can’t

dead or alive she said I just can’t

dead or alive she said I just can’t watch you destroy yourself anymore my

watch you destroy yourself anymore my

watch you destroy yourself anymore my home the home that was meant to be a

home the home that was meant to be a

home the home that was meant to be a house of dreams for my children had

house of dreams for my children had

house of dreams for my children had turned into a house of horrors and it

turned into a house of horrors and it

turned into a house of horrors and it was all my fault at this time I owned a

was all my fault at this time I owned a

was all my fault at this time I owned a small coffee shop and I worked the

small coffee shop and I worked the

small coffee shop and I worked the coffee shop six days a week mostly by

coffee shop six days a week mostly by

coffee shop six days a week mostly by myself I would get up early in the

myself I would get up early in the

myself I would get up early in the morning to go open the shop but before I

morning to go open the shop but before I

morning to go open the shop but before I would leave the house I would have a

would leave the house I would have a

would leave the house I would have a drink it wasn’t because I wanted to have

drink it wasn’t because I wanted to have

drink it wasn’t because I wanted to have a drink it was because I couldn’t go to

a drink it was because I couldn’t go to

a drink it was because I couldn’t go to the shop and serve a customer coffee

the shop and serve a customer coffee

the shop and serve a customer coffee shaking like a leaf

shaking like a leaf

shaking like a leaf I would often drink during the day and

I would often drink during the day and

I would often drink during the day and again it was to maintain a certain level

again it was to maintain a certain level

again it was to maintain a certain level of alcohol in my system and at night I

of alcohol in my system and at night I

of alcohol in my system and at night I would go home and I would drink a lot I

would go home and I would drink a lot I

would go home and I would drink a lot I would drink to numb the pain and the

would drink to numb the pain and the

would drink to numb the pain and the feelings that were inside of me and to

feelings that were inside of me and to

feelings that were inside of me and to hopefully just pass out the day of the

hopefully just pass out the day of the

hopefully just pass out the day of the accident was a Wednesday and the next

accident was a Wednesday and the next

accident was a Wednesday and the next day was my one day off a week and in my

day was my one day off a week and in my

day was my one day off a week and in my alcoholic mind that meant that I could

alcoholic mind that meant that I could

alcoholic mind that meant that I could drink that much more that night because

drink that much more that night because

drink that much more that night because I didn’t have to get up in the morning

I didn’t have to get up in the morning

I didn’t have to get up in the morning so I stopped at the store in the way

so I stopped at the store in the way

so I stopped at the store in the way home and I bought two pints of vodka I

home and I bought two pints of vodka I

home and I bought two pints of vodka I always bought pint bottles because they

always bought pint bottles because they

always bought pint bottles because they were easier to hide when I got home I’m

were easier to hide when I got home I’m

were easier to hide when I got home I’m sure I drank down the first one and then

sure I drank down the first one and then

sure I drank down the first one and then I decided to drive to a friend’s house

I decided to drive to a friend’s house

I decided to drive to a friend’s house and it was on the way home from that

and it was on the way home from that

and it was on the way home from that friend’s house at 8:30 at night that the

friend’s house at 8:30 at night that the

friend’s house at 8:30 at night that the accident occurred I woke up a couple

accident occurred I woke up a couple

accident occurred I woke up a couple days later in the hospital at following

days later in the hospital at following

days later in the hospital at following two operations my children were there

two operations my children were there

two operations my children were there the three people I love the most in the

the three people I love the most in the

the three people I love the most in the world and in their eyes was just this

world and in their eyes was just this

world and in their eyes was just this devastating sadness they had to tell me

devastating sadness they had to tell me

devastating sadness they had to tell me of the accident and of the death of mr.

of the accident and of the death of mr.

of the accident and of the death of mr. frost my first reaction was oh god no

frost my first reaction was oh god no

frost my first reaction was oh god no why wasn’t it me I’m the one who wants

why wasn’t it me I’m the one who wants

why wasn’t it me I’m the one who wants to die why did this innocent man have to

to die why did this innocent man have to

to die why did this innocent man have to die but of course I told no one

die but of course I told no one

die but of course I told no one I can never explain the sorrow and the

I can never explain the sorrow and the

I can never explain the sorrow and the fear that I felt at this time what

fear that I felt at this time what

fear that I felt at this time what followed was my arrest court hearings

followed was my arrest court hearings

followed was my arrest court hearings lawyers and lots of drug and alcohol

lawyers and lots of drug and alcohol

lawyers and lots of drug and alcohol testing ordered by the courts I would

testing ordered by the courts I would

testing ordered by the courts I would like to tell you that the accident was

like to tell you that the accident was

like to tell you that the accident was some kind of turning point some kind of

some kind of turning point some kind of

some kind of turning point some kind of rock bottom for this alcoholic but if I

rock bottom for this alcoholic but if I

rock bottom for this alcoholic but if I could have drank I would have drank

could have drank I would have drank

could have drank I would have drank myself into oblivion

myself into oblivion

myself into oblivion you see the accident felt like one more

you see the accident felt like one more

you see the accident felt like one more anchor around my neck an anchor that was

anchor around my neck an anchor that was

anchor around my neck an anchor that was pulling me down into some dark abyss and

pulling me down into some dark abyss and

pulling me down into some dark abyss and I was taking the people I loved with me

I was taking the people I loved with me

I was taking the people I loved with me on advice of my lawyer I went to trial

on advice of my lawyer I went to trial

on advice of my lawyer I went to trial there were some extenuating

there were some extenuating

there were some extenuating circumstances involving another car but

circumstances involving another car but

circumstances involving another car but on the third day I was found guilty I

on the third day I was found guilty I

on the third day I was found guilty I remember standing in front of that judge

remember standing in front of that judge

remember standing in front of that judge as he handed down the sentence my

as he handed down the sentence my

as he handed down the sentence my sentencing guidelines were 43 to 84

sentencing guidelines were 43 to 84

sentencing guidelines were 43 to 84 months and as he told me he was giving

months and as he told me he was giving

months and as he told me he was giving me the maximum sentence 84 months in

me the maximum sentence 84 months in

me the maximum sentence 84 months in prison seven years in prison it was all

prison seven years in prison it was all

prison seven years in prison it was all I could do to not collapse right there

I could do to not collapse right there

I could do to not collapse right there in court every day a prison was hell I

in court every day a prison was hell I

in court every day a prison was hell I didn’t know if I could make it through

didn’t know if I could make it through

didn’t know if I could make it through the seven years and I didn’t know if

the seven years and I didn’t know if

the seven years and I didn’t know if there’d ever be a life to come home to

there’d ever be a life to come home to

there’d ever be a life to come home to prison does little or nothing to

prison does little or nothing to

prison does little or nothing to rehabilitate or to effectively address

rehabilitate or to effectively address

rehabilitate or to effectively address substance abuse the one recommendation

substance abuse the one recommendation

substance abuse the one recommendation they had for me for the entire seven

they had for me for the entire seven

they had for me for the entire seven years was to attend a a I didn’t have a

years was to attend a a I didn’t have a

years was to attend a a I didn’t have a problem with that I knew I could go to

problem with that I knew I could go to

problem with that I knew I could go to 12 meetings get a little certificate of

12 meetings get a little certificate of

12 meetings get a little certificate of completion and that’s all I would need

completion and that’s all I would need

completion and that’s all I would need to ultimately appease the parole board

to ultimately appease the parole board

to ultimately appease the parole board but when I got there life finally began

but when I got there life finally began

but when I got there life finally began to change for me I met some amazing

to change for me I met some amazing

to change for me I met some amazing women they came into the prison every

women they came into the prison every

women they came into the prison every week bringing the message of recovery

week bringing the message of recovery

week bringing the message of recovery they seemed to see through my prison

they seemed to see through my prison

they seemed to see through my prison blues and the wall of

blues and the wall of

blues and the wall of fences I had erected and see me the

fences I had erected and see me the

fences I had erected and see me the broken woman I had become they shared

broken woman I had become they shared

broken woman I had become they shared with me lots of messages of recovery but

with me lots of messages of recovery but

with me lots of messages of recovery but there were two that resonated me with me

there were two that resonated me with me

there were two that resonated me with me the most the first was that I had the

the most the first was that I had the

the most the first was that I had the disease of alcoholism now I had always

disease of alcoholism now I had always

disease of alcoholism now I had always understood alcoholism to be a disease

understood alcoholism to be a disease

understood alcoholism to be a disease but when it came to how I thought about

but when it came to how I thought about

but when it came to how I thought about myself I believed that I had just become

myself I believed that I had just become

myself I believed that I had just become some bad weak immoral person but when I

some bad weak immoral person but when I

some bad weak immoral person but when I finally accepted that I had this disease

finally accepted that I had this disease

finally accepted that I had this disease I was able to put aside a little of my

I was able to put aside a little of my

I was able to put aside a little of my shame and my guilt and begin forgiving

shame and my guilt and begin forgiving

shame and my guilt and begin forgiving myself I also finally understood that it

myself I also finally understood that it

myself I also finally understood that it was not me I had to battle it was the

was not me I had to battle it was the

was not me I had to battle it was the alcoholism the second message was that

alcoholism the second message was that

alcoholism the second message was that if I wanted long-term sobriety I had to

if I wanted long-term sobriety I had to

if I wanted long-term sobriety I had to learn to open up and share with others

learn to open up and share with others

learn to open up and share with others the depth of my pain that was so hard to

the depth of my pain that was so hard to

the depth of my pain that was so hard to do and it took so much courage and it

do and it took so much courage and it

do and it took so much courage and it took a lot of time but I began the

took a lot of time but I began the

took a lot of time but I began the process with these ladies and then I

process with these ladies and then I

process with these ladies and then I continued it with my family and friends

continued it with my family and friends

continued it with my family and friends the few who hadn’t bolted out of my life

the few who hadn’t bolted out of my life

the few who hadn’t bolted out of my life you see it took some really special

you see it took some really special

you see it took some really special people to stay by my side to continue to

people to stay by my side to continue to

people to stay by my side to continue to give me opportunities to heal they

give me opportunities to heal they

give me opportunities to heal they listened to me without judgment or

listened to me without judgment or

listened to me without judgment or criticism they gave me their strength

criticism they gave me their strength

criticism they gave me their strength when I had none and they believed in me

when I had none and they believed in me

when I had none and they believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself it is

when I didn’t believe in myself it is

when I didn’t believe in myself it is because of that support system that I am

because of that support system that I am

because of that support system that I am a woman in recovery today I believe that

a woman in recovery today I believe that

a woman in recovery today I believe that actions must have consequences but I

actions must have consequences but I

actions must have consequences but I also believe that if we are going to

also believe that if we are going to

also believe that if we are going to successfully treat addiction we have to

successfully treat addiction we have to

successfully treat addiction we have to do so with opportunities sometimes

do so with opportunities sometimes

do so with opportunities sometimes endless opportunities and with safe

endless opportunities and with safe

endless opportunities and with safe places in which to heal addiction is on

places in which to heal addiction is on

places in which to heal addiction is on the rise in this community and across

the rise in this community and across

the rise in this community and across the nation it has become an epidemic as

the nation it has become an epidemic as

the nation it has become an epidemic as a community we have to learn how to put

a community we have to learn how to put

a community we have to learn how to put aside our own shame or embarrassment our

aside our own shame or embarrassment our

aside our own shame or embarrassment our anger and our own

anger and our own

anger and our own family secrets because secrets are a

family secrets because secrets are a

family secrets because secrets are a killer for you and for me we have to

killer for you and for me we have to

killer for you and for me we have to learn where to get help how to give help

learn where to get help how to give help

learn where to get help how to give help and how to receive help because

and how to receive help because

and how to receive help because addiction is a debilitating disease not

addiction is a debilitating disease not

addiction is a debilitating disease not just for the substance abuser but also

just for the substance abuser but also

just for the substance abuser but also for the loved ones we have to stop

for the loved ones we have to stop

for the loved ones we have to stop thinking of addicts as undesirables and

thinking of addicts as undesirables and

thinking of addicts as undesirables and understand they are people in need of

understand they are people in need of

understand they are people in need of healing as I said it’s only because of

healing as I said it’s only because of

healing as I said it’s only because of an amazing support group a support group

an amazing support group a support group

an amazing support group a support group made up of family friends and the

made up of family friends and the

made up of family friends and the community that I am here and well today

community that I am here and well today

community that I am here and well today because of the support group I have

because of the support group I have

because of the support group I have regained my dignity my self-respect and

regained my dignity my self-respect and

regained my dignity my self-respect and most of all the joy of living that is an

most of all the joy of living that is an

most of all the joy of living that is an amazing gift and it is because of that

amazing gift and it is because of that

amazing gift and it is because of that gift I can share with you my experience

gift I can share with you my experience

gift I can share with you my experience and it is because of that gift I can

and it is because of that gift I can

and it is because of that gift I can share with others still suffering in

share with others still suffering in

share with others still suffering in their addictions and give them just a

their addictions and give them just a

their addictions and give them just a little bit of hope in closing I would

little bit of hope in closing I would

little bit of hope in closing I would like to ask something of each and every

like to ask something of each and every

like to ask something of each and every one of you I ask that you look at me and

one of you I ask that you look at me and

one of you I ask that you look at me and look at me closely understand and

look at me closely understand and

look at me closely understand and recognize that I am the face of

recognize that I am the face of

recognize that I am the face of addiction and please know my life was

addiction and please know my life was

addiction and please know my life was we’re saving thank

we’re saving thank

we’re saving thank [Applause]