I want to start by telling you a fairy tale.
Once upon a time, a little girl named Ileana,
he was surprised when one morning he awoke
found a dragon on the edge of her bed,
as small as a kitten.
He approached him, caressed him
and the dragon gladly shook his tail.
Then Ileana immediately ran to her mom, shouting:
“Mommy, Mom! There is a dragon in my room! “
“But what are you saying, Ileana. Since there are no dragons “
she replied.
When Ileana returned to her room,
the dragon approached her again, joyfully shaking his tail
but Ileana this time did not caress him.
Since her mother said there were no dragons,
it would be very stupid to caress a non-existent dragon.
When he sat at the breakfast table …
on the table sat down and the dragon!
And now, how do you say to a dragon that does not exist:
“I get out of the table and do not eat breakfast”?
As long as Ileana was unaware of the dragon,
he grew, grew and grew
until he captured all the space of the house
and at some point he lifted it up on his back and started running.
Returning from work, Ileana’s father was surprised
when he found that his home was missing.
Luckily a neighbor showed him
the direction in which he saw it go,
and when he found himself with his wife and daughter, he asked them:
“Well how did all this happen?”
“There is a dragon …” Ileana began to say,
and her mom stopped her:
“Ileana, since there are no dragons.”
“No, no,” Ileana insisted,
“There is a dragon, a very great dragon”
and stroked him in the head.
And as long as he caressed him, the dragon was getting smaller and smaller and smaller
until he regained the size of a small kitten.
Taking the dragon hug, Melena’s mother wondered:
“Well, why should she grow up so much?”
And Ileana replied:
“I do not know, but I think he just wanted to watch him.”
The dragon of this fairy tale written by Jack Kent and I designed,
may be the fears that a child and a family have.
And fear is also death
which is within the thoughts and questions of the children,
as was the case with Little Ileana.
Ileana was also me.
In seeking to answer,
I approached my own dragon,
through my professional engagement
with children coming, early in life,
confronted with their own death
or the loss of their beloved person.
Child and Death:
are two words that seem incompatible.
And yet, death exists in children’s lives,
In fairy tales, games, movies, news to see,
the losses they experience in their immediate environment.
It is perfectly normal to have questions,
to want to understand what is going on that dying, will he return?
These questions are perfectly normal,
they have nothing abusive and nothing macabre.
They indicate that they mature emotionally and cognitively
and that’s why they try to understand the mysteries of life,
such as birth and death.
Their problem is usually us adults,
who are disturbed
and we often wonder what we have to say.
Rather than hurry to give answers
it is much better to make it easier for the child to unfold his thoughts,
and to understand what is at stake in the moment.
It’s about an event that sparked his curiosity,
a dead bird in school?
Was he upset by the death of a man?
The parent of a classmate?
Anxiety about the potential death of his father who smokes a lot
and asks indirectly if everyone who smokes always dies?
The course of the debate will depend greatly
from what the child is concerned at the moment,
and must always be adapted to the evolutionary stage of each child.
With little children we use simple words, clear.
We explain, for example, that when one dies,
stops working his body,
he stops his heart beating,
does not breathe, does not feel, does not think,
and then we put his body in a box called a coffin
and place it in the ground in a place called a cemetery.
And while with little children we have to avoid
expressions of soul-type and afterlife,
as they are very difficult for them,
with teenagers we can have very fruitful discussions
for metaphysical, religious matters concerning death,
because they have the cognitive abilities that allow them
to make abstract thoughts and hypothetical thoughts.
However, in any case,
we recognize that no one knows what death is
and what happens to him who dies.
We may share our personal religious or philosophical views
and perceptions of death, but they are not absolute truths,
and it is very important for a child growing up in a multicultural world
to understand that there are different views on death.
Our difficulty in making such debates is even greater
when the child’s life is directly affected by death.
How do we talk to a child about the death of one’s own person?
And how do we discuss with the sick child who wants to talk about his death?
These challenges led my eight colleagues and myself,
to establish a non-profit civil society, “Merimna”.
For 22 years, Merimna has been offering a scientific work,
providing specialized services in two areas:
Services to support children, families and school communities
who face the death of their own man,
and palliative care services
for children who are seriously ill, and their families.
I am here because a vision of Merimna is to sensitize society,
and all those who come into contact with children,
so that they can effectively support them,
in order to adequately address the major challenges of their lives.
So how do we talk to a child about the death of one’s own person?
We never hide his truth.
We speak directly, honestly,
and we do not flood it with information.
We adjust our information to what he knows, he wants to know,
and we avoid when we find it
that he does not want to hear certain things at the moment.
We use simple words such as “died”
and we avoid expressions like “slept,” “gone”, “gone out”, “lost”
because they create great confusion
and a young child of pre-school age
he may be afraid to go to sleep the next moment, not to die,
or for example, he can agonize what became his beloved who left,
and when he will turn, and why he left without saying goodbye.
We also avoid formalities such as:
“He was too good for God to take him near him,
why the children begin and fear God
and by wisdom they may become mischievous so that God will not take them to him.
Even if we say things by their name,
we must bear in mind that children of preschool age
they fail to realize the definitivity of death.
And so many times they can say,
“Yes, okay, he died, how long will he die? When will he return? “
They may also have difficulty realizing
and the definitive cessation of vital functions
who has someone who dies,
and even if they attend his funeral,
can next time tell us:
“Well now that is where it is
will not be hungry, will not cool, not be sad? “
Only when they reach puberty,
we would say that they already have the cognitive abilities
to perceive death
as a definitive, irreversible, universal event
which happens to all people, including themselves.
Any conversation with such a child
it must always leave space and time
to speak of him who died,
to express his feelings and to mourn.
Expressions of the formula:
“Come on, do not worry, you have to look loud”
or “Do not cry because your mom is sorry”
or “Now you are the woman or the man of the house”
do not help and inhibit lamentation
creating serious adaptation problems.
I’ll tell you about Lydia.
Her mother came to Merimna to consult us,
how she will help her daughter nine years old
to learn that her father was in the final stage of his illness.
After informing Lydia her mother,
explained that her father would die
and urged her to take part in her care
and to say goodbye to her in her own way.
On the day when Lydia’s father died,
she painted her heart broken in both.
With her support and collaboration with the psychologist of Merimna,
she could slowly talk about her dad,
to mourn her loss
and a few months later,
to paint her heart again, but stuck,
but stressing that it will be forever cracked.
Imagine the loss, the death of a loved one
like a red ball
that overwhelms the psyche of a child here depicted as a bottle.
Many times we mistakenly believe that over time it will be forgotten,
will diminish, it will disappear.
But that is not the case.
With the proper support, a child like Lydia, and every Lydia,
he can develop his mental reserves,
to contain this loss of his beloved person,
which will always remain important and central to the history of his life.
But what about the children that are threatened with their lives?
Are they talking about death?
They are undoubtedly aware of their state of health,
even when no one notifies them.
I had the honor of accompanying many children at the end of their lives,
and what I’ve found is that they choose whom they will trust
their feelings, needs and desires,
when death is now inevitable.
They choose someone who can withstand the pain of separation,
someone who gives them space to express their feelings
and understands what they share indirectly and symbolically,
someone who will defend their desires and needs,
and someone who, when the time comes, will “allow” them to leave life,
without feeling guilty for those who leave behind them.
When we have difficulty accepting the death of a child,
then we are deprived of the opportunity to bid farewell to him,
but we also deprive ourselves of the opportunity
to assure that it will always have a special place in our heart.
PO: – “What have you painted?” (I ask the five-year-old Elli)
Elli: – It’s a step that goes to heaven.
PO: – “Who’s going up the stairs?” Q: – “People … Me.”
PO: – “And what is there in heaven?” Q: – “The sun, the moon, the stars …”
PO: – “And what are you going to do over?” Q: “I’ll look at you.”
PO: – “Can I see you too?”
Q: “No, you will only see me in your heart.”
Close to children like Elli, I learned to bend at their height,
to stare in the eyes
and listen to what they wanted to share with me,
the important things in life,
how fragile and how valuable it is.
In closing, I want to invite you to a reflection game.
Imagine that in some magical way
today you learn that in a year from now you will die,
in whatever way you choose.
So you have a lifetime.
I want you to think of three things that you would change in your life:
relationships, profession, aspects of yourself, living conditions?
Something that makes life difficult without purpose and substance.
Then I want you to think of three things you would leave the same,
you would not change them at all.
These are usually linked to our values and priorities,
anything that gives meaning to our lives.
And finally, I want you to set a realistic goal
that you want to materialize during this time,
with which you will seal
the story of your life and your being as a person.
And when you do all this,
I want you to think about the first thing you will be doing today
to change something that prevents you from enjoying life,
and to celebrate for everything that contributes to its quality.
Besides, Kazantzakis said:
“Salt death and life greatly delights it”.
Thanks.
(Clap)
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