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Talking taboo: rewriting the sex talk | Kim Drisdelle | TEDxYouth@StJohns


I was 16 when I started to wonder when I

I was 16 when I started to wonder when I was going to stop being attracted to

was going to stop being attracted to

was going to stop being attracted to boys

boys

boys what would I look like how would it feel

what would I look like how would it feel

what would I look like how would it feel what I liked being a lesbian with the

what I liked being a lesbian with the

what I liked being a lesbian with the lesbian fairy visit me one night and I

lesbian fairy visit me one night and I

lesbian fairy visit me one night and I wake up with short hair a closet full of

wake up with short hair a closet full of

wake up with short hair a closet full of flannels and a fridge full of hummus see

flannels and a fridge full of hummus see

flannels and a fridge full of hummus see I knew I was attracted to boys but I

I knew I was attracted to boys but I

I knew I was attracted to boys but I realized I was starting to become

realized I was starting to become

realized I was starting to become attracted to girls and I didn’t know you

attracted to girls and I didn’t know you

attracted to girls and I didn’t know you could be attracted to both so I figured

could be attracted to both so I figured

could be attracted to both so I figured I’m becoming a lesbian in all my 16

I’m becoming a lesbian in all my 16

I’m becoming a lesbian in all my 16 years I have never I had never heard

years I have never I had never heard

years I have never I had never heard seen or known of the word bisexual I was

seen or known of the word bisexual I was

seen or known of the word bisexual I was taught that if you were gay you were

taught that if you were gay you were

taught that if you were gay you were probably going to get AIDS and Di’s

probably going to get AIDS and Di’s

probably going to get AIDS and Di’s sti’s were only for sex addicts condoms

sti’s were only for sex addicts condoms

sti’s were only for sex addicts condoms were only for men and sex sex was

were only for men and sex sex was

were only for men and sex sex was downright terrifying and full of danger

downright terrifying and full of danger

downright terrifying and full of danger 10 years later I got a job at Planned

10 years later I got a job at Planned

10 years later I got a job at Planned Parenthood educating youth on the one

Parenthood educating youth on the one

Parenthood educating youth on the one thing they fail to tell us anything

thing they fail to tell us anything

thing they fail to tell us anything about sex I told the youth that came

about sex I told the youth that came

about sex I told the youth that came into my Center – bisexuality is

into my Center – bisexuality is

into my Center – bisexuality is certainly real that most SDI’s are

certainly real that most SDI’s are

certainly real that most SDI’s are curable and are just as common as a

curable and are just as common as a

curable and are just as common as a throat infection or the flu sex should

throat infection or the flu sex should

throat infection or the flu sex should never be made to seem scary

never be made to seem scary

never be made to seem scary it should be fun safe and consensual and

it should be fun safe and consensual and

it should be fun safe and consensual and condoms well it turns out those condoms

condoms well it turns out those condoms

condoms well it turns out those condoms for people with penises and people with

for people with penises and people with

for people with penises and people with vaginas let’s face it our sexual health

vaginas let’s face it our sexual health

vaginas let’s face it our sexual health education has never been that good we

education has never been that good we

education has never been that good we sit in a classroom we watch a PowerPoint

sit in a classroom we watch a PowerPoint

sit in a classroom we watch a PowerPoint we might label a diagram or two of the

we might label a diagram or two of the

we might label a diagram or two of the male and the female genitals we leave

male and the female genitals we leave

male and the female genitals we leave the three hour or three day or three

the three hour or three day or three

the three hour or three day or three week unit and we get on with our lives

week unit and we get on with our lives

week unit and we get on with our lives when you play any reshape our identities

when you play any reshape our identities

when you play any reshape our identities we challenge the traditional

we challenge the traditional

we challenge the traditional understanding of what a relationship is

understanding of what a relationship is

understanding of what a relationship is we might even change our gender or

we might even change our gender or

we might even change our gender or sexuality or both we resilient ly grow

sexuality or both we resilient ly grow

sexuality or both we resilient ly grow up into society

up into society

up into society that not only fails to educate us about

that not only fails to educate us about

that not only fails to educate us about sex but also shames us for having sex

sex but also shames us for having sex

sex but also shames us for having sex all the while sexualizing the human body

all the while sexualizing the human body

all the while sexualizing the human body and what seems like every advertisement

and what seems like every advertisement

and what seems like every advertisement magazine and celebrity talk show we make

magazine and celebrity talk show we make

magazine and celebrity talk show we make jokes about X s T is not realizing that

jokes about X s T is not realizing that

jokes about X s T is not realizing that we’re probably gonna have one or more in

we’re probably gonna have one or more in

we’re probably gonna have one or more in our lifetime as a matter of fact most of

our lifetime as a matter of fact most of

our lifetime as a matter of fact most of us here are carrying the herpes virus

us here are carrying the herpes virus

us here are carrying the herpes virus right now

right now

right now but even if we knew that we had the

but even if we knew that we had the

but even if we knew that we had the virus or herpes as we call it we

virus or herpes as we call it we

virus or herpes as we call it we probably wouldn’t tell anyone maybe our

probably wouldn’t tell anyone maybe our

probably wouldn’t tell anyone maybe our best friend but certainly an author

best friend but certainly an author

best friend but certainly an author teacher or parents we have no problem of

teacher or parents we have no problem of

teacher or parents we have no problem of telling our teachers that we can’t

telling our teachers that we can’t

telling our teachers that we can’t attend class because of a throat

attend class because of a throat

attend class because of a throat infection but we’d be terrified to tell

infection but we’d be terrified to tell

infection but we’d be terrified to tell them it was because of sexually

them it was because of sexually

them it was because of sexually transmitted infection wouldn’t we so we

transmitted infection wouldn’t we so we

transmitted infection wouldn’t we so we stay quiet when I didn’t know the

stay quiet when I didn’t know the

stay quiet when I didn’t know the answers to any of my questions about

answers to any of my questions about

answers to any of my questions about sexual health I did what any

sexual health I did what any

sexual health I did what any self-respecting millennial would do and

self-respecting millennial would do and

self-respecting millennial would do and I googled it and the disease genitals

I googled it and the disease genitals

I googled it and the disease genitals that I saw were enough to never even

that I saw were enough to never even

that I saw were enough to never even want to make you whisper the word sex

want to make you whisper the word sex

want to make you whisper the word sex again so if we’re using Google for

again so if we’re using Google for

again so if we’re using Google for sexual health education and we’re using

sexual health education and we’re using

sexual health education and we’re using Google to become the experts on our own

Google to become the experts on our own

Google to become the experts on our own bodies how do we become the experts on

bodies how do we become the experts on

bodies how do we become the experts on their own bodies with no education one

their own bodies with no education one

their own bodies with no education one word communication communication with

word communication communication with

word communication communication with ourselves or partners friends parents

ourselves or partners friends parents

ourselves or partners friends parents teachers and doctors when I mean

teachers and doctors when I mean

teachers and doctors when I mean communication with ourselves I don’t

communication with ourselves I don’t

communication with ourselves I don’t mean talking to yourself I mean

mean talking to yourself I mean

mean talking to yourself I mean masturbation I know oh I said it I said

masturbation I know oh I said it I said

masturbation I know oh I said it I said the one thing that most all of us do but

the one thing that most all of us do but

the one thing that most all of us do but none of us talk about masturbation is

none of us talk about masturbation is

none of us talk about masturbation is the best way to get to know what makes

the best way to get to know what makes

the best way to get to know what makes you orgasm and what doesn’t make you

you orgasm and what doesn’t make you

you orgasm and what doesn’t make you orgasm

orgasm

orgasm [Laughter]

masturbation is the best way to find out

masturbation is the best way to find out what makes you orgasm and what doesn’t

what makes you orgasm and what doesn’t

what makes you orgasm and what doesn’t make you orgasm

make you orgasm

make you orgasm that way we can tell our partner what we

that way we can tell our partner what we

that way we can tell our partner what we like our partners want to know how you

like our partners want to know how you

like our partners want to know how you feel

feel

feel as well our partners whether they be

as well our partners whether they be

as well our partners whether they be one-night stands friends with benefits

one-night stands friends with benefits

one-night stands friends with benefits or long-term lovers want to make you

or long-term lovers want to make you

or long-term lovers want to make you feel good

speaking of orgasms do you guys know how

speaking of orgasms do you guys know how many people fake an orgasm as many as 1

many people fake an orgasm as many as 1

many people fake an orgasm as many as 1 in 2 people have admitted to faking an

in 2 people have admitted to faking an

in 2 people have admitted to faking an orgasm and as many as 1 in 4 people

orgasm and as many as 1 in 4 people

orgasm and as many as 1 in 4 people admit to faking orgasms regularly

admit to faking orgasms regularly

admit to faking orgasms regularly society doesn’t really make us feel like

society doesn’t really make us feel like

society doesn’t really make us feel like we don’t need to fake an orgasm though

we don’t need to fake an orgasm though

we don’t need to fake an orgasm though we’re told growing up that sex is about

we’re told growing up that sex is about

we’re told growing up that sex is about making babies but for most of us if we

making babies but for most of us if we

making babies but for most of us if we choose to have sex sex is about pleasure

choose to have sex sex is about pleasure

choose to have sex sex is about pleasure movies show these mind-blowing orgasms

movies show these mind-blowing orgasms

movies show these mind-blowing orgasms that make us feel like or that show two

that make us feel like or that show two

that make us feel like or that show two partners orgasming at the exact same

partners orgasming at the exact same

partners orgasming at the exact same time showing this bed shaking pelvis

time showing this bed shaking pelvis

time showing this bed shaking pelvis pulsating theatrical ending in reality

pulsating theatrical ending in reality

pulsating theatrical ending in reality both partners rarely orgasm at the same

both partners rarely orgasm at the same

both partners rarely orgasm at the same time and sex can be messy can be fun and

time and sex can be messy can be fun and

time and sex can be messy can be fun and it can be awkward but these expectations

it can be awkward but these expectations

it can be awkward but these expectations from society lead us to feel like we

from society lead us to feel like we

from society lead us to feel like we always need to have this toe curling

always need to have this toe curling

always need to have this toe curling back arching screaming at the top of

back arching screaming at the top of

back arching screaming at the top of your lungs orgasm so we fake them but

your lungs orgasm so we fake them but

your lungs orgasm so we fake them but faking it doesn’t only lead us to not

faking it doesn’t only lead us to not

faking it doesn’t only lead us to not feel good it also wasn’t properly

feel good it also wasn’t properly

feel good it also wasn’t properly conveyed or a partner what we need

conveyed or a partner what we need

conveyed or a partner what we need when it also doesn’t properly conveyed

when it also doesn’t properly conveyed

when it also doesn’t properly conveyed or a partner what we like when we’re

or a partner what we like when we’re

or a partner what we like when we’re pretending to like something that we’re

pretending to like something that we’re

pretending to like something that we’re not we need to communicate with

not we need to communicate with

not we need to communicate with ourselves to find out what feels good so

ourselves to find out what feels good so

ourselves to find out what feels good so we can let our partners know it might be

we can let our partners know it might be

we can let our partners know it might be awkward at first telling your partner

awkward at first telling your partner

awkward at first telling your partner that you don’t like something that

that you don’t like something that

that you don’t like something that they’re doing but you deserve amazing

they’re doing but you deserve amazing

they’re doing but you deserve amazing sex

sex

sex and those mind-blowing orgasms do exist

and those mind-blowing orgasms do exist

and those mind-blowing orgasms do exist they just have to start with

they just have to start with

they just have to start with communication our partners also want to

communication our partners also want to

communication our partners also want to know how we feel there’s nothing sexier

know how we feel there’s nothing sexier

know how we feel there’s nothing sexier than watching somebody feel good and

than watching somebody feel good and

than watching somebody feel good and knowing that you’re the one that’s doing

knowing that you’re the one that’s doing

knowing that you’re the one that’s doing it you also want a fully consent to

it you also want a fully consent to

it you also want a fully consent to being in the bed or the car or wherever

being in the bed or the car or wherever

being in the bed or the car or wherever you’re getting freaky with them

you’re getting freaky with them

you’re getting freaky with them communication though isn’t just with

communication though isn’t just with

communication though isn’t just with yourself and your partner sometimes

yourself and your partner sometimes

yourself and your partner sometimes communication can be most difficult with

communication can be most difficult with

communication can be most difficult with the generation before us the generation

the generation before us the generation

the generation before us the generation in which trusted adults such as our

in which trusted adults such as our

in which trusted adults such as our parents teachers and doctors grew up in

parents teachers and doctors grew up in

parents teachers and doctors grew up in even though we are younger we’re taking

even though we are younger we’re taking

even though we are younger we’re taking the lead on our sexual health education

the lead on our sexual health education

the lead on our sexual health education and blazing the trail and we largely

and blazing the trail and we largely

and blazing the trail and we largely determine the service we get the way

determine the service we get the way

determine the service we get the way we’re taught in the education we receive

we’re taught in the education we receive

we’re taught in the education we receive based on the communication that we give

based on the communication that we give

based on the communication that we give we need to remember that these trusted

we need to remember that these trusted

we need to remember that these trusted adults probably got even less sexual

adults probably got even less sexual

adults probably got even less sexual education than we did so we need to be

education than we did so we need to be

education than we did so we need to be patient but persistent and our sexual

patient but persistent and our sexual

patient but persistent and our sexual health talks with them as Millennials we

health talks with them as Millennials we

health talks with them as Millennials we are changing the conversation and

are changing the conversation and

are changing the conversation and changing people’s perception on gender

changing people’s perception on gender

changing people’s perception on gender and sexuality we are louder more open

and sexuality we are louder more open

and sexuality we are louder more open and more confident than any other

and more confident than any other

and more confident than any other generation before us we’re expected to

generation before us we’re expected to

generation before us we’re expected to live the lives of our parents generation

live the lives of our parents generation

live the lives of our parents generation even though the economy’s and flux and

even though the economy’s and flux and

even though the economy’s and flux and opportunities are constantly changing

opportunities are constantly changing

opportunities are constantly changing were unsettled you could say we’re

were unsettled you could say we’re

were unsettled you could say we’re already paving a new path for herself

already paving a new path for herself

already paving a new path for herself it’s time that we ensure that we stick

it’s time that we ensure that we stick

it’s time that we ensure that we stick together in fight for the rights of each

together in fight for the rights of each

together in fight for the rights of each other as well language is another way

other as well language is another way

other as well language is another way that we can become experts on our own

that we can become experts on our own

that we can become experts on our own bodies and respect the rights of others

bodies and respect the rights of others

bodies and respect the rights of others as well

as well

as well communication is more than just what our

communication is more than just what our

communication is more than just what our needs and desires are it also has to

needs and desires are it also has to

needs and desires are it also has to include respecting the needs and desires

include respecting the needs and desires

include respecting the needs and desires of others and

of others and

of others and loading their identities in our

loading their identities in our

loading their identities in our conversations we need to make sure that

conversations we need to make sure that

conversations we need to make sure that all identities are accepted in respected

all identities are accepted in respected

all identities are accepted in respected in society but we need to push to make

in society but we need to push to make

in society but we need to push to make that change we grew up learning that

that change we grew up learning that

that change we grew up learning that it’s not what’s on the inside or it’s

it’s not what’s on the inside or it’s

it’s not what’s on the inside or it’s all the time the outside that counts

all the time the outside that counts

all the time the outside that counts it’s what’s on the inside so we need to

it’s what’s on the inside so we need to

it’s what’s on the inside so we need to put that into action gender-neutral

put that into action gender-neutral

put that into action gender-neutral pronouns

pronouns

pronouns different genders sexualities and

different genders sexualities and

different genders sexualities and identities respecting those in societies

identities respecting those in societies

identities respecting those in societies should be common but they’re not so as

should be common but they’re not so as

should be common but they’re not so as Millennials I think it’s time that we

Millennials I think it’s time that we

Millennials I think it’s time that we stop giving a shit about what society is

stop giving a shit about what society is

stop giving a shit about what society is telling us to do think act or feel so

telling us to do think act or feel so

telling us to do think act or feel so there’s this theory called the slight

there’s this theory called the slight

there’s this theory called the slight edge by a dude by the name of Jeff Olson

edge by a dude by the name of Jeff Olson

edge by a dude by the name of Jeff Olson who explained success as productive

who explained success as productive

who explained success as productive actions that happen consistently over

actions that happen consistently over

actions that happen consistently over time changing your language to respect

time changing your language to respect

time changing your language to respect someone’s identity once in a

someone’s identity once in a

someone’s identity once in a conversation with a friend might not

conversation with a friend might not

conversation with a friend might not make a huge difference in society but

make a huge difference in society but

make a huge difference in society but vowing to change your language and doing

vowing to change your language and doing

vowing to change your language and doing so in every single conversation you have

so in every single conversation you have

so in every single conversation you have will make a change expressing your needs

will make a change expressing your needs

will make a change expressing your needs and desires not only in your

and desires not only in your

and desires not only in your relationship but also sexually with your

relationship but also sexually with your

relationship but also sexually with your partner I might be awkward at first but

partner I might be awkward at first but

partner I might be awkward at first but over time it will be normal and expected

over time it will be normal and expected

over time it will be normal and expected staying consistent with your

staying consistent with your

staying consistent with your communication but not only yourself and

communication but not only yourself and

communication but not only yourself and your partner but also your trusted

your partner but also your trusted

your partner but also your trusted adults won’t only change the way that

adults won’t only change the way that

adults won’t only change the way that you perceive sexual health but the way

you perceive sexual health but the way

you perceive sexual health but the way society does as well so sexual health

society does as well so sexual health

society does as well so sexual health education in the past 10 years hasn’t

education in the past 10 years hasn’t

education in the past 10 years hasn’t changed a whole lot but I bet you our

changed a whole lot but I bet you our

changed a whole lot but I bet you our sex lives sure have we deserve to have a

sex lives sure have we deserve to have a

sex lives sure have we deserve to have a society that accepts all genders and

society that accepts all genders and

society that accepts all genders and sexualities but as Millennials we need

sexualities but as Millennials we need

sexualities but as Millennials we need to make sure that that happens

to make sure that that happens

to make sure that that happens sexual health whether it be masturbation

sexual health whether it be masturbation

sexual health whether it be masturbation gender-neutral pronouns communication

gender-neutral pronouns communication

gender-neutral pronouns communication with multiple partners or just what your

with multiple partners or just what your

with multiple partners or just what your needs and desires are should be

needs and desires are should be

needs and desires are should be respected and expected respecting

respected and expected respecting

respected and expected respecting communication is going to change the

communication is going to change the

communication is going to change the world not some crappy sex talk as

world not some crappy sex talk as

world not some crappy sex talk as Millennials let’s get out that out there

Millennials let’s get out that out there

Millennials let’s get out that out there and make that change

and make that change

and make that change so ten years from now there’s no whore

so ten years from now there’s no whore

so ten years from now there’s no whore girl standing in front of her fridge

girl standing in front of her fridge

girl standing in front of her fridge waiting for hummus to appear I love

waiting for hummus to appear I love

waiting for hummus to appear I love hummus but I love boys too thank you

hummus but I love boys too thank you

hummus but I love boys too thank you [Applause]

[Applause]

[Applause] [Music]

[Music]

[Music] [Applause]

[Applause]

[Applause] you

you

you [Applause]

”

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