Talk Dirty to Me: Connection through Communication | Trish Daley | TEDxMoncton

it was my own lovely lady and she said

it was my own lovely lady and she said oh it’s you and we laughed for a moment

oh it’s you and we laughed for a moment

oh it’s you and we laughed for a moment and I said I never knew

and I said I never knew

and I said I never knew do you like pina coladas and getting

do you like pina coladas and getting

do you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain and the feel of the

caught in the rain and the feel of the

caught in the rain and the feel of the ocean and the taste of champagne if you

ocean and the taste of champagne if you

ocean and the taste of champagne if you like making love at midnight in the

like making love at midnight in the

like making love at midnight in the dunes on the Cape

dunes on the Cape

dunes on the Cape you’re the lady I’ve looked for come

you’re the lady I’ve looked for come

you’re the lady I’ve looked for come with me and escape isn’t it amazing how

with me and escape isn’t it amazing how

with me and escape isn’t it amazing how well-known and popular that song still

well-known and popular that song still

well-known and popular that song still is especially considering the storyline

is especially considering the storyline

is especially considering the storyline of the lyrics two people in the

of the lyrics two people in the

of the lyrics two people in the relationship decide to cheat on each

relationship decide to cheat on each

relationship decide to cheat on each other because they have no idea how much

other because they have no idea how much

other because they have no idea how much they have in common

they have in common

they have in common how’s that even possible how do they not

how’s that even possible how do they not

how’s that even possible how do they not know how does this turn into this we are

know how does this turn into this we are

know how does this turn into this we are always communicating something

always communicating something

always communicating something communication is when a sender transmits

communication is when a sender transmits

communication is when a sender transmits a message to a receiver which seems

a message to a receiver which seems

a message to a receiver which seems pretty simple we know the communication

pretty simple we know the communication

pretty simple we know the communication is core to connection we know it helps

is core to connection we know it helps

is core to connection we know it helps build intimacy emotional bonding sexual

build intimacy emotional bonding sexual

build intimacy emotional bonding sexual attraction and Trust we know that lack

attraction and Trust we know that lack

attraction and Trust we know that lack of communication creates feelings of

of communication creates feelings of

of communication creates feelings of isolation and rejection and those things

isolation and rejection and those things

isolation and rejection and those things negatively impact our sexual health when

negatively impact our sexual health when

negatively impact our sexual health when was the last time you felt sexy and

was the last time you felt sexy and

was the last time you felt sexy and unappreciated exactly we also know that

unappreciated exactly we also know that

unappreciated exactly we also know that our sexual connections and health impact

our sexual connections and health impact

our sexual connections and health impact our emotional and physical well-being

exercise gives us endorphins endorphins

exercise gives us endorphins endorphins make us happy how many people don’t kill

make us happy how many people don’t kill

make us happy how many people don’t kill their husbands they just don’t we also

their husbands they just don’t we also

their husbands they just don’t we also know that our emotional well-being

know that our emotional well-being

know that our emotional well-being affects our financial situation raise

affects our financial situation raise

affects our financial situation raise your hand if you’ve ever bought

your hand if you’ve ever bought

your hand if you’ve ever bought something you didn’t need because you’re

something you didn’t need because you’re

something you didn’t need because you’re mad or sad yeah Ben & Jerry’s we all

mad or sad yeah Ben & Jerry’s we all

mad or sad yeah Ben & Jerry’s we all know so if we know all of these things

know so if we know all of these things

know so if we know all of these things are connected why are we messing up our

are connected why are we messing up our

are connected why are we messing up our communications so badly that our

communications so badly that our

communications so badly that our relationships look like this I can’t

relationships look like this I can’t

relationships look like this I can’t actually do that but we forget that we

actually do that but we forget that we

actually do that but we forget that we are always communicating something even

are always communicating something even

are always communicating something even though we hear it all the time and

though we hear it all the time and

though we hear it all the time and things like do as I say not as I do

things like do as I say not as I do

things like do as I say not as I do or actions speak louder than words now I

or actions speak louder than words now I

or actions speak louder than words now I don’t want to confuse the concept that

don’t want to confuse the concept that

don’t want to confuse the concept that actions are just in the literal sense

actions are just in the literal sense

actions are just in the literal sense the statistic that 93% of our

the statistic that 93% of our

the statistic that 93% of our communication is nonverbal is actually

communication is nonverbal is actually

communication is nonverbal is actually misrepresented yes it helps you

misrepresented yes it helps you

misrepresented yes it helps you understand my words but here’s the

understand my words but here’s the

understand my words but here’s the reality no matter how many gestures I

reality no matter how many gestures I

reality no matter how many gestures I use as I jump around the stage you’re

use as I jump around the stage you’re

use as I jump around the stage you’re never going to understand my message as

never going to understand my message as

never going to understand my message as well as if I use words no matter how

well as if I use words no matter how

well as if I use words no matter how amusing it might be to watch so if our

amusing it might be to watch so if our

amusing it might be to watch so if our words are also actions then the core

words are also actions then the core

words are also actions then the core becomes intentional communication am i

becomes intentional communication am i

becomes intentional communication am i intentionally communicating to you what

intentionally communicating to you what

intentionally communicating to you what I mean – let’s take a look at the roles

I mean – let’s take a look at the roles

I mean – let’s take a look at the roles of the people in the communication

of the people in the communication

of the people in the communication process and how intentional

process and how intentional

process and how intentional communication makes a difference the

communication makes a difference the

communication makes a difference the speaker seems to have it easy create and

speaker seems to have it easy create and

speaker seems to have it easy create and transmit a message but if I’m the sender

transmit a message but if I’m the sender

transmit a message but if I’m the sender I’m initiating the process which means I

I’m initiating the process which means I

I’m initiating the process which means I decide the level of the message I have

decide the level of the message I have

decide the level of the message I have to

to

to make a conscious decision that a deeper

make a conscious decision that a deeper

make a conscious decision that a deeper more meaningful message is worth

more meaningful message is worth

more meaningful message is worth transmitting then I have to actually

transmitting then I have to actually

transmitting then I have to actually communicate that to you now I’m not

communicate that to you now I’m not

communicate that to you now I’m not saying that only deep philosophical

saying that only deep philosophical

saying that only deep philosophical debates are worth discussing back to our

debates are worth discussing back to our

debates are worth discussing back to our pina colada song the couple forgot to

pina colada song the couple forgot to

pina colada song the couple forgot to value the little things my likes

value the little things my likes

value the little things my likes dislikes and opinions directly impact

dislikes and opinions directly impact

dislikes and opinions directly impact the depth and longevity of our

the depth and longevity of our

the depth and longevity of our relationship but I have to communicate

relationship but I have to communicate

relationship but I have to communicate that to you so that you will also value

that to you so that you will also value

that to you so that you will also value it and then part of that is overcoming

it and then part of that is overcoming

it and then part of that is overcoming my fears of transmitting it to you so

my fears of transmitting it to you so

my fears of transmitting it to you so what if I want to bring up an idea

what if I want to bring up an idea

what if I want to bring up an idea that’s taboo that can be pretty scary in

that’s taboo that can be pretty scary in

that’s taboo that can be pretty scary in our sex-negative society I have to

our sex-negative society I have to

our sex-negative society I have to actually communicate to you that my

actually communicate to you that my

actually communicate to you that my physical desires are worth talking about

fear really plays a part in our deciding

fear really plays a part in our deciding what we’re going to say to people but if

what we’re going to say to people but if

what we’re going to say to people but if I take time to practice the message and

I take time to practice the message and

I take time to practice the message and look at the values that will help me

look at the values that will help me

look at the values that will help me understand the value myself and it will

understand the value myself and it will

understand the value myself and it will also help me avoid communications like

also help me avoid communications like

also help me avoid communications like this baby would you ever want to try um

this baby would you ever want to try um

this baby would you ever want to try um but sex I don’t know honey if you really

but sex I don’t know honey if you really

but sex I don’t know honey if you really wanted to well if you want to then

wanted to well if you want to then

wanted to well if you want to then alright okay turn around

alright okay turn around

alright okay turn around I don’t think that’s what he meant then

I don’t think that’s what he meant then

I don’t think that’s what he meant then I have to actually transmit the message

I have to actually transmit the message

I have to actually transmit the message to you doesn’t matter how open you are

to you doesn’t matter how open you are

to you doesn’t matter how open you are or how concise the message is if I never

or how concise the message is if I never

or how concise the message is if I never actually broach the subject but really

actually broach the subject but really

actually broach the subject but really in the grand scheme of things the sender

in the grand scheme of things the sender

in the grand scheme of things the sender has it easy once I bring up the subject

has it easy once I bring up the subject

has it easy once I bring up the subject I mean it might be scary to bring my

I mean it might be scary to bring my

I mean it might be scary to bring my sexual fantasies to light and it might

sexual fantasies to light and it might

sexual fantasies to light and it might be nerve-wracking to wait for your

be nerve-wracking to wait for your

be nerve-wracking to wait for your response but after that my job is done

response but after that my job is done

response but after that my job is done and now the pressure is on you as the

and now the pressure is on you as the

and now the pressure is on you as the listener and here’s where it’s gonna

listener and here’s where it’s gonna

listener and here’s where it’s gonna sound harsh I’m not going to sugarcoat

sound harsh I’m not going to sugarcoat

sound harsh I’m not going to sugarcoat and I’m not going to use cute metaphors

and I’m not going to use cute metaphors

and I’m not going to use cute metaphors the reality is that sexual discussions

the reality is that sexual discussions

the reality is that sexual discussions don’t need more metaphors we need less

don’t need more metaphors we need less

don’t need more metaphors we need less ambiguity and more specific focused

ambiguity and more specific focused

ambiguity and more specific focused language we need to eliminate fear and

language we need to eliminate fear and

language we need to eliminate fear and shame by empowering the words and

shame by empowering the words and

shame by empowering the words and besides who really understands that

besides who really understands that

besides who really understands that baseball metaphor as the sender now the

baseball metaphor as the sender now the

baseball metaphor as the sender now the pressures on you because you are always

pressures on you because you are always

pressures on you because you are always communicating something so your

communicating something so your

communicating something so your reactions will make or break all future

reactions will make or break all future

reactions will make or break all future communications if you shut me down

communications if you shut me down

communications if you shut me down verbally or non-verbally you tell me

verbally or non-verbally you tell me

verbally or non-verbally you tell me that my value is nothing to you as the

that my value is nothing to you as the

that my value is nothing to you as the pressure is on you because your

pressure is on you because your

pressure is on you because your reactions will make or break our

reactions will make or break our

reactions will make or break our communications it’s really important to

communications it’s really important to

communications it’s really important to remember that I need to know that you’re

remember that I need to know that you’re

remember that I need to know that you’re listening to what I have to say even if

listening to what I have to say even if

listening to what I have to say even if you don’t like it and that’s hard to do

you don’t like it and that’s hard to do

you don’t like it and that’s hard to do but if you are an intentional listener I

but if you are an intentional listener I

but if you are an intentional listener I will reciprocate I can see you out there

will reciprocate I can see you out there

will reciprocate I can see you out there saying well my partner doesn’t do that

saying well my partner doesn’t do that

saying well my partner doesn’t do that for me please remember somebody needs to

for me please remember somebody needs to

for me please remember somebody needs to take the

take the

take the first step even if it’s for the second

first step even if it’s for the second

first step even if it’s for the second or the third time decide that your

or the third time decide that your

or the third time decide that your relationship and you are worth it I know

relationship and you are worth it I know

relationship and you are worth it I know some of you out there think I’m being

some of you out there think I’m being

some of you out there think I’m being fatalistic and unfair

fatalistic and unfair

fatalistic and unfair some of you were uncomfortable the

some of you were uncomfortable the

some of you were uncomfortable the minute I said sexual fantasies some of

minute I said sexual fantasies some of

minute I said sexual fantasies some of you want to run me over with your power

you want to run me over with your power

you want to run me over with your power and that’s okay I get it I know that

and that’s okay I get it I know that

and that’s okay I get it I know that talking about your sexual desires is

talking about your sexual desires is

talking about your sexual desires is difficult it doesn’t come easy from

difficult it doesn’t come easy from

difficult it doesn’t come easy from everyone but understand I genuinely want

everyone but understand I genuinely want

everyone but understand I genuinely want you to have deep meaningful

you to have deep meaningful

you to have deep meaningful conversations so that you can enjoy

conversations so that you can enjoy

conversations so that you can enjoy wonderfully fulfilling physical

wonderfully fulfilling physical

wonderfully fulfilling physical relationships part of that is being an

relationships part of that is being an

relationships part of that is being an intentional communicator love may not be

intentional communicator love may not be

intentional communicator love may not be all we need but we do need it and that

all we need but we do need it and that

all we need but we do need it and that is key so remember to be intentional

is key so remember to be intentional

is key so remember to be intentional communicators so that you can enjoy

communicators so that you can enjoy

communicators so that you can enjoy years of pina coladas and making love on

years of pina coladas and making love on

years of pina coladas and making love on the Cape