have you ever spoken
to say nothing
this moment when you find yourself facing
your interlocutor that you do not
do not know a lot and you try
somehow fill the void
to avoid having to look at you
in the whites of the eyes
take an example of high school students you you
certainly remember all of his
first glasses that the end of the course
came rushing on the teacher
to ask for information
Additional
good I was part of his first
bezel but we pay attention by going
consult the teachers were not
time to deepen the short than the
persuade my interest in their
matter so that they appreciate me better
and gives me better grades
however when I was facing
the teacher and that he delivers a
passionate response to my classes
questions I could not manage
the ear
concerned about the image he would have
two months to focus on his
words I was staring at him trying
to appear the most interested
possible punctuating his huy speeches
and good ah but basically without good
understand what he meant and
this situation was unbearable
I was very embarrassed because I
wondering when he was going
finish his answer when he
was the most legitimate to leave if my
question he liked it I do it’s
less attention to those who said it
than the way he did not perceive
no content than form
I had the impression of being held in
this interaction by an invisible hand
and to have only to undergo forces
which I did not have
no take if I tell you this little
unpleasant episode not know for you
tell my life it’s just that I think
that this little example highlights a
huge vice that we all have and
against which I will try to
propose some solutions the embarrassment
I would like to emphasize how
I just described the embarrassment a vice
huge
more than an innocuous attitude it me
seems that embarrassment is a real
vis a deformity like a piece
badly assembled that would make the
more solid furniture embarrass us
often prevent us to act
miss opportunities and makes us
regret often
imagine for example that you are a
cocktail around a very person
influential and to whom you have some
very interesting thing and very
important to say you take your
courage in both hands
you head cheerfully towards
this person but at the last moment
when you are finally face to face
after you shake hands
you are no longer able to pronounce
a word the extraordinary project of which
you had him talk becomes a paw
of flabby arguments in which you
you drown the person frowns them
eyebrows politely apologizes and turns the
head towards another person she
see you go maybe you come from
lose an opportunity to give a new
momentum to your life only because
you were embarrassed embarrassing us
prevent from acting logically and
morally as they obstruct another
logic and our morale is like a
stone that comes to clog our
reasoning and returns us a state
animal that forbids us to act
in this respect to master the
social interactions can we
to benefit enormously in life
private as much as professional and we
prevent making serious mistakes
and that’s the mastery I want
to talk to you
the first question I would like
to ask yourself is the next where does it come from
this discomfort why are we sometimes
unable to master our
behavior think together
I think you will agree with
me on this point we are often very
uncomfortable when we talk to
a person we do not have
the habit of speaking
imagine for example that you do the
ride chin marseille in train which
lasts about four hours and you
you find your actress
favorite
what would you say to him
that you would talk to him about the last
elections or are you the
compliments on his latest film
a priori the logical solution would be
rather the second if you admire it in
somehow you would find it a pity to
find him talking to him about a subject
as commonplace as the last
elections
and as it is a person that you
know and who does not know you
you do not necessarily have something
very substantial to tell him as well
you would not talk to him as if
it was your friend so you are not
in a communication situation
authentic you want this
actress remembers you are you
so rather in a situation of
market
you give him compliments and you
wait for his blessing in return you
see this actress on screen as
an actress whom you appreciate face
to you as a ruthless judge in
this situation you draw roles
to each of the characters
you are the little passers-by and she is
the great celebrity in his book
the rites of interaction the sociologist
erving goffman gives the glue
interesting to these games of
personalities his thesis is that in this
kind of unequal interaction all the
world feels uncomfortable because everyone
try to fulfill his role best
possible
you fulfill your role of fans in
covering reader actor
compliments and she fulfills her role of
celebrities trying to be kind
and by thanking you repetitively
with an embarrassed smile
you live this situation as a
great oral while you are only
in a simple train trip and well
it’s exactly the same problem
with my high school teachers
we must speak at the beginning we do not
not interested in your content at all
only to form now
remember the question that I have you
posed at the beginning of this first point
why are we so uncomfortable
when we talk to people
that we may know may be
after this first point of reflection
are no longer able to answer them
we create a market situation
with the person because we are waiting
something of her
so we try to fill the role
what does the situation seem to
thus abandoning our ability to
improvise to joke and enjoy
here we are at the foot of the wall blocked in
our lyric impulses by this weight of
look at each other
and whenever we take it
consciousness we are very unhappy
but we are unable to get out of
this prison
yet deep down in our confinement I
see a little path lit almost
invisible and that leads to freedom
in this little way divide from
paths pursuing its goals and the
The search for happiness is 206
same place the communication
quiet
let’s not enter this little path and
take the first path the
pursuit of its goals
having a specific goal helps to be
much more comfortable why
simply because our mind is not
not cluttered by the look of the other
we think of one thing and we
do not have time to think about the rest
and all that happens around is that
bonus
example you are still in the
train with the other favorite actress
you still appreciate it as much as you
are in the same square family nothing
did not change except one thing
you are worried because you have big
professional worries
indeed you are the CEO to do my
hen
a chicken slaughter business and
you are on the verge of liquidation
Judicial because of a chicken ngo
who keeps campaigning against
you yet you are perfectly
at standards you chickens are high
in very sanitary conditions
scrupulously controlled and your
satisfied customers are stirring you
your mind on the way of you
disentangle from this situation
when all of you see yourself facing
you your favorite actress and
president of the ngo sos chicken sans
hesitate you tell him with a smile
you go to marseille she you
responds smiling no paris and you
tell him I stop at cannes for the
festival and so on
you know for a fact that after
two minutes of banal conversation you
go talk about chicken and so
very serious but your goal is
very clear and very important you
want to keep your job is your
position so you never lose it
of view and you do everything for
reach it
so your speech is not lost you
do not win because you are not looking
to impress the person who is in
face of you are simply looking for a
started the conversation quietly
and so you are perfectly master
of the interaction you are too
concerned about your purpose for you
let submit by the determinisms
which we were talking about erding hoffman in
the rites of interaction here there is
more roles more form than the
contents
you want to continue selling
chickens and your admiration for
the actress fades for the benefit of your
goal
work
let’s go back and try to
make a tea the second shipyard the
pursuit of happiness seeking to be
happy allows you to make the most of
a situation
what I mean here is when
even if we have no specific goal
we must forget all the roles that we
play in the interaction and let yourself
guide by what we want here is the
path that leads to freedom
to authentically interact with
still our example of the actress in
the train you are reading
your book quietly to your
place when she comes to sit in front
from you at first you go
absolutely want to talk to him for
take the opportunity to be
recognized but the best solution
would rather talk to him if you
have something interesting to him
say and continue reading your book
if you have nothing interesting to
to tell him that sounds like an outrageous
evidence yes but not necessarily
we all want to mark the stroke of
look smart to let go of our
daily activities to surf in
the exceptional eh well in my opinion the
more important is to reason well and
to tell yourself in which situation
am I going to be the happiest or the most
happy talking with this actress
or by continuing to read my book
this ability to judge and the best
guides to a mastery of
the interaction we are no longer subject
to the forces that gives the actress a
dominant role and to us a role of
fans
we are just reading
a book with the possibility if the
heart tells you to discuss with our
interesting neighbor opposite to this
regard the philosopher andre gide will be
much clearer than me in his
masterpiece terrestrial foods
manual of pleasant life whose
chorus and loose this book and forget me
he says I quote every
we leave her companion of pleasure to
that you know you had to do it
I do not like those who make themselves
deserves to have a real pain because
if it was painful
he would have done better to do other
thing the joy that we find there and sign
of the appropriation of work and the
sincerity of my pleasure but the most
important guides 26 tation you
can
blame me for something something
important
you can tell me yes but I do not
not arrive to enjoy perfectly
of a situation if I’m facing my
favorite actor I will inevitably
want to talk to him and if I do not
force me not to do it I’m going
to be frustrated I could not do anything
else but at the same time if I him
speak I’m going to be terribly bad at
comfortable so all this reasoning does not serve
for nothing I’m stuck is coming
probably from this reasoning only serves
nothing if we add an element
essential self-confidence
our essential problem when we
let’s talk to a person is that we
let’s do it smart imagine meeting a
great university professor that one
admire and let’s talk about it
language and praising it to the professor
jean etienne perrigault of marquinho
I admire your thesis on the
psychopathology of the great powers
Besides, I think that Russia
has acute schizophrenia on
the plan of 6 military dynamics and
that’s what we do there is that
we are trying to win the
recognition of the person to whom
we speak by adapting to his
language that we do not master yet
not but like this language and the point
that we attract to this professor
we try to reproduce it because we
think it’s his criterion for
judge the worth of a person
nobody likes only the others
do as if on the contrary we like
shine by its originality and be
surprised by behaviors
different
therefore self-confidence does not
does not mean sandra it’s in the ice
self-confidence is not having
afraid of what we have to say and say it
speak with his words at the risk of
sound ridiculous which is a little
that’s not the way we
expresses itself but the assurance with which
we express ourselves and so we create a
new standard
I speak like that and it’s normal
because it’s me and even if we are
very special very marginal or very
shy
if we pronounce our three words
daily focusing on our
thought and not about our way of
express it then these three words will be
necessarily percussive and that because
that everyone has the right to be
credible it is believed that some
people are more convincing than
others but it’s wrong
each at his hour of eloquence and his
time of silence even people
we see struggling on a platform
with the sensation of changing the world does not
may have nothing to say in an opinion
in actor in the train a big
economics professor can be
embarrassed when asked the
pancake recipe the sincerity we
lets showing that we are
imperfect like everyone
to draw a land of z agreement
with our interlocutor – we look
perfect and it sounds audible and
this is the last stairs that
lead to the freedom to communicate
authentically self-confidence
know how to hoist up a tower of
serenity from which you foment and the
look of your detractors know how to think
what you say
forgetting how you say it I
much talked about but what did I
tried to tell you
I wanted to illustrate these handicaps
embarrassment and show you that in
more than just a nuisance
it’s a real handicap
thing that holds us back who we
prevent acting
but if I speak to you today
it’s good that I am firmly
convinced that this handicap can be canceled
by a simple reversal of mind I
think to be comfortable in a
situation one thing is
necessary to strive to profit by
looking back
interest or happiness that we can
to draw from a situation one forgets one’s
malaise and we focus on what
interests us
and it is by being interested that we
becomes interesting so let’s remember this
for all the times we
will feel uncomfortable instead of
hang on to the words do we hang your
thoughts instead of picking a speech
instead of ripening a speech that lyon
whoever comes I thank you
[Applause]
”
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