[Music] Who am I
Who am I
Who am I it’s a timeless question that I’ve been
it’s a timeless question that I’ve been
it’s a timeless question that I’ve been working these last 16 years of my life
working these last 16 years of my life
working these last 16 years of my life to answer sometimes I think I figured it
to answer sometimes I think I figured it
to answer sometimes I think I figured it out only to find myself back at square
out only to find myself back at square
out only to find myself back at square one and even more confused than when I
one and even more confused than when I
one and even more confused than when I started some days I feel as though I am
started some days I feel as though I am
started some days I feel as though I am worth whatever brand of clothes I’ve got
worth whatever brand of clothes I’ve got
worth whatever brand of clothes I’ve got on and some days it’s the bad grade on
on and some days it’s the bad grade on
on and some days it’s the bad grade on my math test that defines Who I am other
my math test that defines Who I am other
my math test that defines Who I am other days I’m the girl who didn’t have enough
days I’m the girl who didn’t have enough
days I’m the girl who didn’t have enough money to buy lunch and had to borrow
money to buy lunch and had to borrow
money to buy lunch and had to borrow from a friend there are days when I feel
from a friend there are days when I feel
from a friend there are days when I feel utterly lost in my constant search my
utterly lost in my constant search my
utterly lost in my constant search my view of myself eventually became tied to
view of myself eventually became tied to
view of myself eventually became tied to a number on a scale I didn’t realize I
a number on a scale I didn’t realize I
a number on a scale I didn’t realize I was fat in gym class when the teacher
was fat in gym class when the teacher
was fat in gym class when the teacher declared my weight and I buried my face
declared my weight and I buried my face
declared my weight and I buried my face in shame as other girls did the math and
in shame as other girls did the math and
in shame as other girls did the math and realize that I was a lot heavier than
realize that I was a lot heavier than
realize that I was a lot heavier than them I didn’t realize that was fat when
them I didn’t realize that was fat when
them I didn’t realize that was fat when my middle school sweetheart pushed me on
my middle school sweetheart pushed me on
my middle school sweetheart pushed me on the swings huffing and puffing and
the swings huffing and puffing and
the swings huffing and puffing and marveled at how heavy I was then one day
marveled at how heavy I was then one day
marveled at how heavy I was then one day my mom walked into forever 21 looking to
my mom walked into forever 21 looking to
my mom walked into forever 21 looking to buy some clothes for me the exchange at
buy some clothes for me the exchange at
buy some clothes for me the exchange at the front counter went something like
the front counter went something like
the front counter went something like this
this
this excuse me ma’am I’m looking to buy some
excuse me ma’am I’m looking to buy some
excuse me ma’am I’m looking to buy some jeans for my daughter she wears a size
jeans for my daughter she wears a size
jeans for my daughter she wears a size 10 sure thing you’ll find the plus size
10 sure thing you’ll find the plus size
10 sure thing you’ll find the plus size section upstairs they slapped a label on
section upstairs they slapped a label on
section upstairs they slapped a label on me and suddenly I had to face the truth
me and suddenly I had to face the truth
me and suddenly I had to face the truth yep I was fat I never even questioned it
yep I was fat I never even questioned it
yep I was fat I never even questioned it the blank-faced mannequins leered at me
the blank-faced mannequins leered at me
the blank-faced mannequins leered at me from the aisles mocking me their waists
from the aisles mocking me their waists
from the aisles mocking me their waists thinner than my neck they seemed to be
thinner than my neck they seemed to be
thinner than my neck they seemed to be saying not only was I not skinny enough
saying not only was I not skinny enough
saying not only was I not skinny enough no I wasn’t pretty enough my hair wasn’t
no I wasn’t pretty enough my hair wasn’t
no I wasn’t pretty enough my hair wasn’t shiny enough my teeth weren’t wide
shiny enough my teeth weren’t wide
shiny enough my teeth weren’t wide enough I wore too much makeup or was it
enough I wore too much makeup or was it
enough I wore too much makeup or was it not enough makeup this mentality
not enough makeup this mentality
not enough makeup this mentality rapped into other parts of myself too
rapped into other parts of myself too
rapped into other parts of myself too suddenly I wasn’t smart enough or funny
suddenly I wasn’t smart enough or funny
suddenly I wasn’t smart enough or funny enough either
enough either
enough either I wasn’t even worthy of love that’s when
I wasn’t even worthy of love that’s when
I wasn’t even worthy of love that’s when I stopped eating I tortured myself over
I stopped eating I tortured myself over
I stopped eating I tortured myself over every bite every calorie i starved
every bite every calorie i starved
every bite every calorie i starved myself of more than just food I pushed
myself of more than just food I pushed
myself of more than just food I pushed my friends away and retreated to the
my friends away and retreated to the
my friends away and retreated to the corners of the internet that reinforced
corners of the internet that reinforced
corners of the internet that reinforced the idea that by refusing to eat I was
the idea that by refusing to eat I was
the idea that by refusing to eat I was improving myself bettering myself I
improving myself bettering myself I
improving myself bettering myself I watched the numbers on the scale drop
watched the numbers on the scale drop
watched the numbers on the scale drop steadily and the compliments began to
steadily and the compliments began to
steadily and the compliments began to pour in Wow have you lost weight you
pour in Wow have you lost weight you
pour in Wow have you lost weight you look amazing oh my god you’ve gotten so
look amazing oh my god you’ve gotten so
look amazing oh my god you’ve gotten so much skinnier even my best friend’s
much skinnier even my best friend’s
much skinnier even my best friend’s well-meaning as they were applauded the
well-meaning as they were applauded the
well-meaning as they were applauded the way my clothes began to hang off my body
way my clothes began to hang off my body
way my clothes began to hang off my body and the way my bones were finally
and the way my bones were finally
and the way my bones were finally beginning to show I congratulated myself
beginning to show I congratulated myself
beginning to show I congratulated myself on finding a purpose even though no
on finding a purpose even though no
on finding a purpose even though no matter how much weight I lost it was
matter how much weight I lost it was
matter how much weight I lost it was never enough soon I could barely get
never enough soon I could barely get
never enough soon I could barely get through the school day I spent classes
through the school day I spent classes
through the school day I spent classes staring blankly at the walls wishing I
staring blankly at the walls wishing I
staring blankly at the walls wishing I could be anywhere else play rehearsals
could be anywhere else play rehearsals
could be anywhere else play rehearsals usually my favorite part of the day
usually my favorite part of the day
usually my favorite part of the day became hellish as I tried to push
became hellish as I tried to push
became hellish as I tried to push through the end of a 10 hour day running
through the end of a 10 hour day running
through the end of a 10 hour day running on nothing but water and a handful of
on nothing but water and a handful of
on nothing but water and a handful of carrots I spent my days crying in the
carrots I spent my days crying in the
carrots I spent my days crying in the bathrooms cooking meals for my family
bathrooms cooking meals for my family
bathrooms cooking meals for my family without once tasting them hating myself
without once tasting them hating myself
without once tasting them hating myself when I ate throwing up when I did and
when I ate throwing up when I did and
when I ate throwing up when I did and feeling more loss than ever before I
feeling more loss than ever before I
feeling more loss than ever before I punished myself every day for not being
punished myself every day for not being
punished myself every day for not being enough even then I didn’t realize
enough even then I didn’t realize
enough even then I didn’t realize everything that was going on around me
everything that was going on around me
everything that was going on around me Who am I
Who am I
Who am I why couldn’t I figure out the answer
why couldn’t I figure out the answer
why couldn’t I figure out the answer disordered eating didn’t give me an
disordered eating didn’t give me an
disordered eating didn’t give me an identity it became
identity it became
identity it became my identity when all I could see were my
my identity when all I could see were my
my identity when all I could see were my imperfections in each our own way we
imperfections in each our own way we
imperfections in each our own way we punish ourselves for our flaws our
punish ourselves for our flaws our
punish ourselves for our flaws our mistakes were taught to develop linearly
mistakes were taught to develop linearly
mistakes were taught to develop linearly always improving ourselves fixing
always improving ourselves fixing
always improving ourselves fixing ourselves so much so until we lose any
ourselves so much so until we lose any
ourselves so much so until we lose any sense of self I became so lonely and so
sense of self I became so lonely and so
sense of self I became so lonely and so focused on achieving perfection I didn’t
focused on achieving perfection I didn’t
focused on achieving perfection I didn’t even notice my friends skipping meals
even notice my friends skipping meals
even notice my friends skipping meals when I realized what she was going
when I realized what she was going
when I realized what she was going through I was heartbroken how could
through I was heartbroken how could
through I was heartbroken how could somebody so beautiful and so kind and
somebody so beautiful and so kind and
somebody so beautiful and so kind and smart and compassionate be so cruel to
smart and compassionate be so cruel to
smart and compassionate be so cruel to herself wasn’t until I talked to her
herself wasn’t until I talked to her
herself wasn’t until I talked to her that it hit me we were asking ourselves
that it hit me we were asking ourselves
that it hit me we were asking ourselves the same questions then I had to wonder
the same questions then I had to wonder
the same questions then I had to wonder what are we looking for when will it
what are we looking for when will it
what are we looking for when will it ever be enough Who am I supposed to be
ever be enough Who am I supposed to be
ever be enough Who am I supposed to be who do I want to be Who am I I still ask
who do I want to be Who am I I still ask
who do I want to be Who am I I still ask myself this question and I still don’t
myself this question and I still don’t
myself this question and I still don’t know the answer I’m unsure of a lot but
know the answer I’m unsure of a lot but
know the answer I’m unsure of a lot but I do know one thing I will never be able
I do know one thing I will never be able
I do know one thing I will never be able to hate myself into being somebody I can
to hate myself into being somebody I can
to hate myself into being somebody I can love thank you
love thank you
love thank you [Applause]
[Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
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