Rolling with Rejection | Jean Semelfort | TEDxBergenCommunityCollege

so I would like for us to go on a

so I would like for us to go on a journey real quick down memory lane and

journey real quick down memory lane and

journey real quick down memory lane and if this journey feels a bit troublesome

if this journey feels a bit troublesome

if this journey feels a bit troublesome understand that there are gonna be

understand that there are gonna be

understand that there are gonna be people around you who relate to the

people around you who relate to the

people around you who relate to the journey we’re about to take so by show

journey we’re about to take so by show

journey we’re about to take so by show of hands

of hands

of hands and make sure you raise them hi how many

and make sure you raise them hi how many

and make sure you raise them hi how many of you have ever been told no to

of you have ever been told no to

of you have ever been told no to something you really want it whether

something you really want it whether

something you really want it whether it’s a job promotion raise college a

it’s a job promotion raise college a

it’s a job promotion raise college a quarter to get something from the

quarter to get something from the

quarter to get something from the gumball machine alright or to borrow

gumball machine alright or to borrow

gumball machine alright or to borrow money to get something from the store

money to get something from the store

money to get something from the store alright perfect

alright perfect

alright perfect congratulations you’re all a part of the

congratulations you’re all a part of the

congratulations you’re all a part of the losers Club with me at this moment I

losers Club with me at this moment I

losers Club with me at this moment I would like for us to just focus on that

would like for us to just focus on that

would like for us to just focus on that experience with rejection some of us are

experience with rejection some of us are

experience with rejection some of us are survivors of it today but some of us

survivors of it today but some of us

survivors of it today but some of us still bear the scars of it but it is

still bear the scars of it but it is

still bear the scars of it but it is within those scars we will find crucial

within those scars we will find crucial

within those scars we will find crucial information on the work that needs to be

information on the work that needs to be

information on the work that needs to be done between the intersection of sexual

done between the intersection of sexual

done between the intersection of sexual assault interpersonal violence and

assault interpersonal violence and

assault interpersonal violence and engaging men so I would like to share

engaging men so I would like to share

engaging men so I would like to share one of my experiences with rejection

one of my experiences with rejection

one of my experiences with rejection because if I was to share all of them

because if I was to share all of them

because if I was to share all of them we’d be here for a few days it is this

we’d be here for a few days it is this

we’d be here for a few days it is this particular experience that has

particular experience that has

particular experience that has influenced my development of immense

influenced my development of immense

influenced my development of immense engagement violence prevention

engagement violence prevention

engagement violence prevention curriculum title rolling with rejection

curriculum title rolling with rejection

curriculum title rolling with rejection it was the summer 2006

it was the summer 2006

it was the summer 2006 beautiful Sunday morning where my mother

beautiful Sunday morning where my mother

beautiful Sunday morning where my mother usually forces me to wake up to go to

usually forces me to wake up to go to

usually forces me to wake up to go to church although this morning didn’t

church although this morning didn’t

church although this morning didn’t require much effort because I know the

require much effort because I know the

require much effort because I know the girl I had a crush on was gonna be there

girl I had a crush on was gonna be there

girl I had a crush on was gonna be there you could call it me reaching for my

you could call it me reaching for my

you could call it me reaching for my love and belonging needs for those who

love and belonging needs for those who

love and belonging needs for those who are familiar with Maslow’s hierarchy of

are familiar with Maslow’s hierarchy of

are familiar with Maslow’s hierarchy of needs

needs

needs anyway after extraneous preparation ie

anyway after extraneous preparation ie

anyway after extraneous preparation ie referencing back to all the movies I’ve

referencing back to all the movies I’ve

referencing back to all the movies I’ve seen of confident men approaching women

seen of confident men approaching women

seen of confident men approaching women referencing back to all the feedback

referencing back to all the feedback

referencing back to all the feedback I’ve received from Mel figures in my

I’ve received from Mel figures in my

I’ve received from Mel figures in my life

life

life feedback like

feedback like

feedback like you better make sure you look confident

you better make sure you look confident

you better make sure you look confident women love a confident man

women love a confident man

women love a confident man remember Jean there’s plenty of fish in

remember Jean there’s plenty of fish in

remember Jean there’s plenty of fish in the sea now honestly at that time I

the sea now honestly at that time I

the sea now honestly at that time I didn’t know what any of that meant

didn’t know what any of that meant

didn’t know what any of that meant especially the last one and how that

especially the last one and how that

especially the last one and how that related to what I was about to do

related to what I was about to do

related to what I was about to do nonetheless I convinced myself that I

nonetheless I convinced myself that I

nonetheless I convinced myself that I was going to approach her and convincing

was going to approach her and convincing

was going to approach her and convincing myself that I was going to approach her

myself that I was going to approach her

myself that I was going to approach her I decided to just kind of hone in and

I decided to just kind of hone in and

I decided to just kind of hone in and channel all the energy that I had from

channel all the energy that I had from

channel all the energy that I had from confident men now of course at that time

confident men now of course at that time

confident men now of course at that time my mother knew that I had a crush in

my mother knew that I had a crush in

my mother knew that I had a crush in church call it a mother’s intuition a

church call it a mother’s intuition a

church call it a mother’s intuition a Haitian sixth sense or me just being

Haitian sixth sense or me just being

Haitian sixth sense or me just being plain obvious about it nonetheless the

plain obvious about it nonetheless the

plain obvious about it nonetheless the time came for me to talk to her now when

time came for me to talk to her now when

time came for me to talk to her now when I was face to face with my crush my

I was face to face with my crush my

I was face to face with my crush my voice began to tremble and my hand

voice began to tremble and my hand

voice began to tremble and my hand started to shake and all the channeled

started to shake and all the channeled

started to shake and all the channeled energy of confident men pretty much

energy of confident men pretty much

energy of confident men pretty much vanished

vanished

vanished instead what was left was a vulnerable

instead what was left was a vulnerable

instead what was left was a vulnerable young boy tripping over his words and

young boy tripping over his words and

young boy tripping over his words and eventually being told no now as you can

eventually being told no now as you can

eventually being told no now as you can imagine the floodgates of insecurities

imagine the floodgates of insecurities

imagine the floodgates of insecurities and problematic belief systems open

and problematic belief systems open

and problematic belief systems open thoughts like if only I was taller and

thoughts like if only I was taller and

thoughts like if only I was taller and looked much more muscular I would have

looked much more muscular I would have

looked much more muscular I would have had a better chance if only I appeared

had a better chance if only I appeared

had a better chance if only I appeared older much more mature if only my mother

older much more mature if only my mother

older much more mature if only my mother wasn’t there with me she doesn’t deserve

wasn’t there with me she doesn’t deserve

wasn’t there with me she doesn’t deserve a good person like me anyway why does

a good person like me anyway why does

a good person like me anyway why does being nervous have to be an automatic

being nervous have to be an automatic

being nervous have to be an automatic strike against me and the last thought

strike against me and the last thought

strike against me and the last thought was if I was much more of a jerk and not

was if I was much more of a jerk and not

was if I was much more of a jerk and not too nice I might have had a better

too nice I might have had a better

too nice I might have had a better chance now as you can see all of these

chance now as you can see all of these

chance now as you can see all of these thoughts were routed and distortions and

thoughts were routed and distortions and

thoughts were routed and distortions and very problematic but nonetheless the

very problematic but nonetheless the

very problematic but nonetheless the star

star

star left me feeling sad frustrated

left me feeling sad frustrated

left me feeling sad frustrated disappointed doubtful then myself

disappointed doubtful then myself

disappointed doubtful then myself disgusted and angry now one of the

disgusted and angry now one of the

disgusted and angry now one of the cardinal rules within masculinity

cardinal rules within masculinity

cardinal rules within masculinity particularly within my household is that

particularly within my household is that

particularly within my household is that you never let them see you sad you man

you never let them see you sad you man

you never let them see you sad you man up and you move on so although my heart

up and you move on so although my heart

up and you move on so although my heart dropped into the bottom of my stomach

dropped into the bottom of my stomach

dropped into the bottom of my stomach and you know my nerves were out of whack

and you know my nerves were out of whack

and you know my nerves were out of whack the only thing that I could say was okay

the only thing that I could say was okay

the only thing that I could say was okay and walk away as I returned to my mother

and walk away as I returned to my mother

and walk away as I returned to my mother of course my mother inquired about how

of course my mother inquired about how

of course my mother inquired about how it went I told my mother what she said

it went I told my mother what she said

it went I told my mother what she said and my mother’s response was up Junior

and my mother’s response was up Junior

and my mother’s response was up Junior next time you got to have much more

next time you got to have much more

next time you got to have much more confidence in yourself men should never

confidence in yourself men should never

confidence in yourself men should never be afraid to talk to women now part of

be afraid to talk to women now part of

be afraid to talk to women now part of my mother’s feedback made sense

my mother’s feedback made sense

my mother’s feedback made sense confidence in oneself is important but

confidence in oneself is important but

confidence in oneself is important but all of it felt steeped and internalized

all of it felt steeped and internalized

all of it felt steeped and internalized ideas on what a man should be it was at

ideas on what a man should be it was at

ideas on what a man should be it was at this moment I started to reflect on what

this moment I started to reflect on what

this moment I started to reflect on what were the other belief systems that were

were the other belief systems that were

were the other belief systems that were present for me at that time belief

present for me at that time belief

present for me at that time belief systems like as a man you must appear

systems like as a man you must appear

systems like as a man you must appear confident even if you are inexperienced

confident even if you are inexperienced

confident even if you are inexperienced in sex or pursuing a person of interest

in sex or pursuing a person of interest

in sex or pursuing a person of interest men are hunters which makes everyone

men are hunters which makes everyone

men are hunters which makes everyone else prey particularly women as a man if

else prey particularly women as a man if

else prey particularly women as a man if you do what a man is supposed to do what

you do what a man is supposed to do what

you do what a man is supposed to do what you want is guaranteed now all of these

you want is guaranteed now all of these

you want is guaranteed now all of these belief systems left me at a place of

belief systems left me at a place of

belief systems left me at a place of insecurity and definitely questioning

insecurity and definitely questioning

insecurity and definitely questioning the approach I took and what I could

the approach I took and what I could

the approach I took and what I could have done better it was at this moment

have done better it was at this moment

have done better it was at this moment that I decided to

that I decided to

that I decided to critically think about what are the

critically think about what are the

critically think about what are the things that needed to be done for me to

things that needed to be done for me to

things that needed to be done for me to challenge masculinity and it was at this

challenge masculinity and it was at this

challenge masculinity and it was at this moment that I decided or even I would

moment that I decided or even I would

moment that I decided or even I would say that I knew I couldn’t have been the

say that I knew I couldn’t have been the

say that I knew I couldn’t have been the only man in this world who felt

only man in this world who felt

only man in this world who felt constrained by these belief systems and

constrained by these belief systems and

constrained by these belief systems and acted out based on it now fortunately my

acted out based on it now fortunately my

acted out based on it now fortunately my response to that situation did not

response to that situation did not

response to that situation did not elevate to a level of violence right but

elevate to a level of violence right but

elevate to a level of violence right but it definitely had the potential to based

it definitely had the potential to based

it definitely had the potential to based on how quickly my sadness transitioned

on how quickly my sadness transitioned

on how quickly my sadness transitioned into anger and sadly it is not uncommon

into anger and sadly it is not uncommon

into anger and sadly it is not uncommon for us men to express our heart with

for us men to express our heart with

for us men to express our heart with rejection through verbal violence and

rejection through verbal violence and

rejection through verbal violence and physical violence and unfortunately some

physical violence and unfortunately some

physical violence and unfortunately some men’s response to rejection has resulted

men’s response to rejection has resulted

men’s response to rejection has resulted in too many deaths and so it was at this

in too many deaths and so it was at this

in too many deaths and so it was at this moment that I also realized if I wanted

moment that I also realized if I wanted

moment that I also realized if I wanted men to challenge toxic masculinity I

men to challenge toxic masculinity I

men to challenge toxic masculinity I needed to create safe spaces for men to

needed to create safe spaces for men to

needed to create safe spaces for men to talk about their experiences

talk about their experiences

talk about their experiences particularly their emotional experiences

particularly their emotional experiences

particularly their emotional experiences with toxic masculinity if I wanted men

with toxic masculinity if I wanted men

with toxic masculinity if I wanted men to understand why healthy practices of

to understand why healthy practices of

to understand why healthy practices of consent are very important I needed to

consent are very important I needed to

consent are very important I needed to equip men with pro-social tools on how

equip men with pro-social tools on how

equip men with pro-social tools on how to cope with rejection because rejection

to cope with rejection because rejection

to cope with rejection because rejection is inevitable right as you saw in our

is inevitable right as you saw in our

is inevitable right as you saw in our audience many of us raised our hands and

audience many of us raised our hands and

audience many of us raised our hands and all have intimate experience with

all have intimate experience with

all have intimate experience with rejection I also realized that if I

rejection I also realized that if I

rejection I also realized that if I wanted to change the narrative of sexual

wanted to change the narrative of sexual

wanted to change the narrative of sexual assault interpersonal violence stalking

assault interpersonal violence stalking

assault interpersonal violence stalking street harassment as women’s issues I

street harassment as women’s issues I

street harassment as women’s issues I needed to also understand and increase

needed to also understand and increase

needed to also understand and increase awareness on the connection between

awareness on the connection between

awareness on the connection between men’s violence and men’s pain

it was at this moment that I also

it was at this moment that I also started thinking about what are the best

started thinking about what are the best

started thinking about what are the best ways to approach conversation often

ways to approach conversation often

ways to approach conversation often times for us men when we talk about

times for us men when we talk about

times for us men when we talk about perpetration right we become defensive

perpetration right we become defensive

perpetration right we become defensive and we start to other ourselves from the

and we start to other ourselves from the

and we start to other ourselves from the perpetrator even though we have a lot in

perpetrator even though we have a lot in

perpetrator even though we have a lot in common with them sad to say but I wanted

common with them sad to say but I wanted

common with them sad to say but I wanted to approach a topic or or yeah I wanted

to approach a topic or or yeah I wanted

to approach a topic or or yeah I wanted to approach a topic that felt like it

to approach a topic that felt like it

to approach a topic that felt like it was a relatable something that no one in

was a relatable something that no one in

was a relatable something that no one in the room could deny that we’ve

the room could deny that we’ve

the room could deny that we’ve experienced and so this led to my

experienced and so this led to my

experienced and so this led to my development of rolling with rejection

development of rolling with rejection

development of rolling with rejection within that curriculum or that workshop

within that curriculum or that workshop

within that curriculum or that workshop I would say as men we had the

I would say as men we had the

I would say as men we had the opportunity to challenge all those

opportunity to challenge all those

opportunity to challenge all those issues in one sitting in that space I

issues in one sitting in that space I

issues in one sitting in that space I ask men to take a journey with me and

ask men to take a journey with me and

ask men to take a journey with me and this was a journey that was vulnerable

this was a journey that was vulnerable

this was a journey that was vulnerable that was transparent and that was safe

that was transparent and that was safe

that was transparent and that was safe this journey meant that in this room as

this journey meant that in this room as

this journey meant that in this room as men we had to acknowledge some of the

men we had to acknowledge some of the

men we had to acknowledge some of the scary thoughts we have when it comes to

scary thoughts we have when it comes to

scary thoughts we have when it comes to experiencing rejection because as some

experiencing rejection because as some

experiencing rejection because as some of us can imagine when we say things out

of us can imagine when we say things out

of us can imagine when we say things out loud right it almost scares us right to

loud right it almost scares us right to

loud right it almost scares us right to actually even think or believe that we

actually even think or believe that we

actually even think or believe that we can think the things that we do but

can think the things that we do but

can think the things that we do but nonetheless I wanted to create that safe

nonetheless I wanted to create that safe

nonetheless I wanted to create that safe space for us to do that within rolling

space for us to do that within rolling

space for us to do that within rolling with rejection it was important that I

with rejection it was important that I

with rejection it was important that I brought myself into the conversation it

brought myself into the conversation it

brought myself into the conversation it was important that I let men knew know

was important that I let men knew know

was important that I let men knew know that in this space I’m not trying to ask

that in this space I’m not trying to ask

that in this space I’m not trying to ask you to not be men right instead what I’m

you to not be men right instead what I’m

you to not be men right instead what I’m trying to ask is that we become

trying to ask is that we become

trying to ask is that we become healthier men often times we ask men to

healthier men often times we ask men to

healthier men often times we ask men to transition and change

transition and change

transition and change almost immediately without understanding

almost immediately without understanding

almost immediately without understanding the complexities that men experience

the complexities that men experience

the complexities that men experience emotionally toxic masculinity causes the

emotionally toxic masculinity causes the

emotionally toxic masculinity causes the hosts themselves to repress while also

hosts themselves to repress while also

hosts themselves to repress while also oppressing the individuals around us so

oppressing the individuals around us so

oppressing the individuals around us so I truly believe that in order for us to

I truly believe that in order for us to

I truly believe that in order for us to do violence prevention work that men

do violence prevention work that men

do violence prevention work that men need to be liberated from toxic

need to be liberated from toxic

need to be liberated from toxic masculinity it is not enough to just

masculinity it is not enough to just

masculinity it is not enough to just have the conversation or discussion

have the conversation or discussion

have the conversation or discussion around how men can be allies although

around how men can be allies although

around how men can be allies although that’s an important piece it is not

that’s an important piece it is not

that’s an important piece it is not enough for men for us to have the

enough for men for us to have the

enough for men for us to have the conversation on how men perpetrate

conversation on how men perpetrate

conversation on how men perpetrate although that’s an important piece what

although that’s an important piece what

although that’s an important piece what we need to do is we need to couple

we need to do is we need to couple

we need to do is we need to couple accountability and validation

accountability and validation

accountability and validation accountability creates defense solely

accountability creates defense solely

accountability creates defense solely validation almost for some people feels

validation almost for some people feels

validation almost for some people feels like it just allows us to kind of skate

like it just allows us to kind of skate

like it just allows us to kind of skate through but together those tools can be

through but together those tools can be

through but together those tools can be very powerful imagine a world where

very powerful imagine a world where

very powerful imagine a world where young boys know how to roll with

young boys know how to roll with

young boys know how to roll with rejection

rejection

rejection imagine if the young version of myself

imagine if the young version of myself

imagine if the young version of myself that I started with understood that the

that I started with understood that the

that I started with understood that the rejection I experienced was not personal

rejection I experienced was not personal

rejection I experienced was not personal that understood that the rejection I

that understood that the rejection I

that understood that the rejection I experienced was not about Who I am as an

experienced was not about Who I am as an

experienced was not about Who I am as an individual that that rejection did not

individual that that rejection did not

individual that that rejection did not have to be a defining moment of myself

have to be a defining moment of myself

have to be a defining moment of myself that instead I can use this as an

that instead I can use this as an

that instead I can use this as an opportunity to critically think on how

opportunity to critically think on how

opportunity to critically think on how to be a better person I can use this as

to be a better person I can use this as

to be a better person I can use this as an opportunity to emotionally empower

an opportunity to emotionally empower

an opportunity to emotionally empower myself to be able to move on and move

myself to be able to move on and move

myself to be able to move on and move forward and it doesn’t have to come at

forward and it doesn’t have to come at

forward and it doesn’t have to come at the expense

the expense

the expense of my own identity my own gender

of my own identity my own gender

of my own identity my own gender expression and it doesn’t have to come

expression and it doesn’t have to come

expression and it doesn’t have to come at the expense of others around me so I

at the expense of others around me so I

at the expense of others around me so I ask all of you to definitely practice

ask all of you to definitely practice

ask all of you to definitely practice rolling with rejection and to encourage

rolling with rejection and to encourage

rolling with rejection and to encourage men to be healthier men thank you very

men to be healthier men thank you very

men to be healthier men thank you very much

much

much [Applause]