where are you she screams trapped within a cage I need to break free to break
a cage I need to break free to break
a cage I need to break free to break free to be Who I am the woman in the dip
free to be Who I am the woman in the dip
free to be Who I am the woman in the dip of my cause screams set me free do I
of my cause screams set me free do I
of my cause screams set me free do I have the courage to let her go am I
have the courage to let her go am I
have the courage to let her go am I afraid of what her great freedom would
afraid of what her great freedom would
afraid of what her great freedom would mean to this world courage courage she
mean to this world courage courage she
mean to this world courage courage she screams set me free to be magnificent
screams set me free to be magnificent
screams set me free to be magnificent celebrated me I wrote that poem in 2007
celebrated me I wrote that poem in 2007
celebrated me I wrote that poem in 2007 at two a.m. in the morning and when I’d
at two a.m. in the morning and when I’d
at two a.m. in the morning and when I’d rolled over in my bed i faced the face
rolled over in my bed i faced the face
rolled over in my bed i faced the face beautiful face of my abuser this is a
beautiful face of my abuser this is a
beautiful face of my abuser this is a story of lemons maybe perhaps when life
story of lemons maybe perhaps when life
story of lemons maybe perhaps when life gives you lemonade you’re told to make
gives you lemonade you’re told to make
gives you lemonade you’re told to make with life gives you lemons you’re told
with life gives you lemons you’re told
with life gives you lemons you’re told to make lemonade what about when life is
to make lemonade what about when life is
to make lemonade what about when life is such a pulp of lemons then all that
such a pulp of lemons then all that
such a pulp of lemons then all that happens is that you get discarded on the
happens is that you get discarded on the
happens is that you get discarded on the compost heap no matter how hard you try
compost heap no matter how hard you try
compost heap no matter how hard you try no matter what you do you simply cannot
no matter what you do you simply cannot
no matter what you do you simply cannot come up for breath this is a story of my
come up for breath this is a story of my
come up for breath this is a story of my life and I’m going to take huge on a
life and I’m going to take huge on a
life and I’m going to take huge on a journey with it because in that dark
journey with it because in that dark
journey with it because in that dark organic matter when those pops of lemons
organic matter when those pops of lemons
organic matter when those pops of lemons disintegrate in turn into compost new
disintegrate in turn into compost new
disintegrate in turn into compost new life begins and this is a story of a
life begins and this is a story of a
life begins and this is a story of a creation of joy in a life worth living I
creation of joy in a life worth living I
creation of joy in a life worth living I guess my first experience of grit was
guess my first experience of grit was
guess my first experience of grit was when I was 19 years old and my loving
when I was 19 years old and my loving
when I was 19 years old and my loving dad called me in and I say that
dad called me in and I say that
dad called me in and I say that beautifully because he called me and I
beautifully because he called me and I
beautifully because he called me and I was the eldest of six kids I was going
was the eldest of six kids I was going
was the eldest of six kids I was going to college and he called me and he SAT
to college and he called me and he SAT
to college and he called me and he SAT me down and he said I’m sorry we can’t
me down and he said I’m sorry we can’t
me down and he said I’m sorry we can’t put you through college it’s time you
put you through college it’s time you
put you through college it’s time you helped the family now at 19 I had no
helped the family now at 19 I had no
helped the family now at 19 I had no idea how to find a job how to put a CVT
idea how to find a job how to put a CVT
idea how to find a job how to put a CVT and neither were my matric results that
and neither were my matric results that
and neither were my matric results that great but I got I heard about a retail
great but I got I heard about a retail
great but I got I heard about a retail store in the city and i got myself on a
store in the city and i got myself on a
store in the city and i got myself on a taxi actually on for minibus taxis
taxi actually on for minibus taxis
taxi actually on for minibus taxis walked up across one of the worst most
walked up across one of the worst most
walked up across one of the worst most notorious parts of kwazulu-natal i saw
notorious parts of kwazulu-natal i saw
notorious parts of kwazulu-natal i saw somebody being stabbed as I walked in my
somebody being stabbed as I walked in my
somebody being stabbed as I walked in my 19 year old youth across the path unto a
19 year old youth across the path unto a
19 year old youth across the path unto a taxi on to the building site where the
taxi on to the building site where the
taxi on to the building site where the retailer was was going to be open I
retailer was was going to be open I
retailer was was going to be open I knocked on the door and I said I have a
knocked on the door and I said I have a
knocked on the door and I said I have a meeting with mr. blue eyes because I had
meeting with mr. blue eyes because I had
meeting with mr. blue eyes because I had known his name by then of course I
known his name by then of course I
known his name by then of course I didn’t have a meeting but the arrogance
didn’t have a meeting but the arrogance
didn’t have a meeting but the arrogance of youth is sometimes great and so I had
of youth is sometimes great and so I had
of youth is sometimes great and so I had a meeting with him and he looked at me
a meeting with him and he looked at me
a meeting with him and he looked at me and he said I’m sorry we don’t have any
and he said I’m sorry we don’t have any
and he said I’m sorry we don’t have any opportunities for part-time employees
opportunities for part-time employees
opportunities for part-time employees and I said I’m not here to ask for work
and I said I’m not here to ask for work
and I said I’m not here to ask for work I’m here to offer you an opportunity I
I’m here to offer you an opportunity I
I’m here to offer you an opportunity I will go and open accounts for your store
will go and open accounts for your store
will go and open accounts for your store and you pay me just for the successful
and you pay me just for the successful
and you pay me just for the successful accounts he looked at me and thought I
accounts he looked at me and thought I
accounts he looked at me and thought I was smoking my socks what did he have to
was smoking my socks what did he have to
was smoking my socks what did he have to lose and he said to me how many forms
lose and he said to me how many forms
lose and he said to me how many forms would you like in shawnee and I said
would you like in shawnee and I said
would you like in shawnee and I said I’ll take 200 and I’ll be back on the
I’ll take 200 and I’ll be back on the
I’ll take 200 and I’ll be back on the weekend I was learning money before that
weekend I was learning money before that
weekend I was learning money before that store opened by the time the store
store opened by the time the store
store opened by the time the store opened we were having mr. blue eyes and
opened we were having mr. blue eyes and
opened we were having mr. blue eyes and I having a conversation where he said to
I having a conversation where he said to
I having a conversation where he said to me where would you like to work you
me where would you like to work you
me where would you like to work you choose which department you’d like to
choose which department you’d like to
choose which department you’d like to work at and that was my first experience
work at and that was my first experience
work at and that was my first experience of grit and my first experience of
of grit and my first experience of
of grit and my first experience of learning of course I was the biggest
learning of course I was the biggest
learning of course I was the biggest earner in my family for a while and
earner in my family for a while and
earner in my family for a while and helped my parents wholeheartedly it was
helped my parents wholeheartedly it was
helped my parents wholeheartedly it was my choice and it was my joy and of
my choice and it was my joy and of
my choice and it was my joy and of course ladies and gentlemen then comes
course ladies and gentlemen then comes
course ladies and gentlemen then comes love but mine was no ordinary love it
love but mine was no ordinary love it
love but mine was no ordinary love it was on the ocean let me paint the
was on the ocean let me paint the
was on the ocean let me paint the picture the ocean was blue the ship
picture the ocean was blue the ship
picture the ocean was blue the ship sterling white and here he was six foot
sterling white and here he was six foot
sterling white and here he was six foot tall the eyes the
tall the eyes the
tall the eyes the of the ocean skin the color of a Greek
of the ocean skin the color of a Greek
of the ocean skin the color of a Greek god and I was in love his british accent
god and I was in love his british accent
god and I was in love his british accent had me charmed beyond charmed I was in
had me charmed beyond charmed I was in
had me charmed beyond charmed I was in we were going to share the world and
we were going to share the world and
we were going to share the world and change it and do acts of love all over
change it and do acts of love all over
change it and do acts of love all over the world could life have get any better
the world could life have get any better
the world could life have get any better than that could it it did we got married
than that could it it did we got married
than that could it it did we got married we lived on a beach cottage we lived
we lived on a beach cottage we lived
we lived on a beach cottage we lived across the street from the ocean chose
across the street from the ocean chose
across the street from the ocean chose not to have a television because we just
not to have a television because we just
not to have a television because we just got so much joy staring into each
got so much joy staring into each
got so much joy staring into each other’s eyes life was blissful
other’s eyes life was blissful
other’s eyes life was blissful absolutely blissful and as it goes I
absolutely blissful and as it goes I
absolutely blissful and as it goes I felt pregnant and we were going to
felt pregnant and we were going to
felt pregnant and we were going to expecting our first boy I brought him
expecting our first boy I brought him
expecting our first boy I brought him home from the hospital and he was six
home from the hospital and he was six
home from the hospital and he was six days old when the abuse started it
days old when the abuse started it
days old when the abuse started it started with verbal abuse and of course
started with verbal abuse and of course
started with verbal abuse and of course i justified that he’s an army man for
i justified that he’s an army man for
i justified that he’s an army man for generations of military you know he’s
generations of military you know he’s
generations of military you know he’s got to have some pent-up anger i
got to have some pent-up anger i
got to have some pent-up anger i justified it but were still i justified
justified it but were still i justified
justified it but were still i justified it because I loved him so much and
it because I loved him so much and
it because I loved him so much and everybody of influence in my life at
everybody of influence in my life at
everybody of influence in my life at that stage said to me be a sadness of
that stage said to me be a sadness of
that stage said to me be a sadness of wife be a good wife because they
wife be a good wife because they
wife be a good wife because they couldn’t believe it be a good wife what
couldn’t believe it be a good wife what
couldn’t believe it be a good wife what does a good wife dude she supports her
does a good wife dude she supports her
does a good wife dude she supports her husband through this she helps you know
husband through this she helps you know
husband through this she helps you know she helps him and submission ladies
she helps him and submission ladies
she helps him and submission ladies hence incorrect submission without love
hence incorrect submission without love
hence incorrect submission without love and be dangerous but I love this man how
and be dangerous but I love this man how
and be dangerous but I love this man how could I how could he possibly hurt me
could I how could he possibly hurt me
could I how could he possibly hurt me how could he possibly hurt me and Phil
how could he possibly hurt me and Phil
how could he possibly hurt me and Phil started a journey of eggshells of masks
started a journey of eggshells of masks
started a journey of eggshells of masks of going to a corporate in a in my high
of going to a corporate in a in my high
of going to a corporate in a in my high heels and thank goodness for good makeup
heels and thank goodness for good makeup
heels and thank goodness for good makeup because nobody knew the shame that I
because nobody knew the shame that I
because nobody knew the shame that I carried nobody understood the stigma
carried nobody understood the stigma
carried nobody understood the stigma that I lived with and the pain that I
that I lived with and the pain that I
that I lived with and the pain that I endured when I went home nobody
endured when I went home nobody
endured when I went home nobody understood it until one night in an
understood it until one night in an
understood it until one night in an argument where I was protecting my son
argument where I was protecting my son
argument where I was protecting my son from being bullied and remember he was
from being bullied and remember he was
from being bullied and remember he was six foot tall and my boy was probably
six foot tall and my boy was probably
six foot tall and my boy was probably about nine or ten years old and he was
about nine or ten years old and he was
about nine or ten years old and he was cowering in the corner and his father
cowering in the corner and his father
cowering in the corner and his father was was well he said disciplining but it
was was well he said disciplining but it
was was well he said disciplining but it looked like beating him and I stepped in
looked like beating him and I stepped in
looked like beating him and I stepped in between and he had took a knife and he
between and he had took a knife and he
between and he had took a knife and he held it to my throat and I coward and
held it to my throat and I coward and
held it to my throat and I coward and when he held that knife to my throat I
when he held that knife to my throat I
when he held that knife to my throat I looked at my boys the two my two sons
looked at my boys the two my two sons
looked at my boys the two my two sons staring back at me and I wondered would
staring back at me and I wondered would
staring back at me and I wondered would even know who their mother was they’ve
even know who their mother was they’ve
even know who their mother was they’ve never seen me love they don’t know who I
never seen me love they don’t know who I
never seen me love they don’t know who I am in fact that poem depicts it I didn’t
am in fact that poem depicts it I didn’t
am in fact that poem depicts it I didn’t know who I was I was lost he called me
know who I was I was lost he called me
know who I was I was lost he called me derogatory names in front of the
derogatory names in front of the
derogatory names in front of the children and to this date when I stand
children and to this date when I stand
children and to this date when I stand up in front of the mirror and I look I
up in front of the mirror and I look I
up in front of the mirror and I look I have to see oh my gosh you’re not a
have to see oh my gosh you’re not a
have to see oh my gosh you’re not a whale you are not XYZ the language is
whale you are not XYZ the language is
whale you are not XYZ the language is too profane to say but you are not that
too profane to say but you are not that
too profane to say but you are not that in fact my wake-up alarm every morning
in fact my wake-up alarm every morning
in fact my wake-up alarm every morning at four-thirty says wake up beautiful as
at four-thirty says wake up beautiful as
at four-thirty says wake up beautiful as a reminder that I am beautiful and a
a reminder that I am beautiful and a
a reminder that I am beautiful and a turning point came when I we attended a
turning point came when I we attended a
turning point came when I we attended a woman’s development program in a
woman’s development program in a
woman’s development program in a corporate inner one of the major banks
corporate inner one of the major banks
corporate inner one of the major banks in South Africa and it showed me
in South Africa and it showed me
in South Africa and it showed me something it showed me that I had worth
something it showed me that I had worth
something it showed me that I had worth but I was hungry I was so so so hungry
but I was hungry I was so so so hungry
but I was hungry I was so so so hungry for more and i knew that i wanted i
for more and i knew that i wanted i
for more and i knew that i wanted i wanted more out of life so a 36 i went
wanted more out of life so a 36 i went
wanted more out of life so a 36 i went back to university and some colleges and
back to university and some colleges and
back to university and some colleges and i put myself through for qualifications
i put myself through for qualifications
i put myself through for qualifications concurrently okay so ladies this is
concurrently okay so ladies this is
concurrently okay so ladies this is possible in the midst of all my trauma
possible in the midst of all my trauma
possible in the midst of all my trauma all my heart ache I wasn’t going to be
all my heart ache I wasn’t going to be
all my heart ache I wasn’t going to be the victim of my life I knew what I
the victim of my life I knew what I
the victim of my life I knew what I wanted to gain
wanted to gain
wanted to gain and you know I gave myself permission to
and you know I gave myself permission to
and you know I gave myself permission to be angry because the gift of anger is
be angry because the gift of anger is
be angry because the gift of anger is that it’s its boundaries we are told
that it’s its boundaries we are told
that it’s its boundaries we are told that were not to be angry that we’re not
that were not to be angry that we’re not
that were not to be angry that we’re not to do this that we need to be
to do this that we need to be
to do this that we need to be peacemakers and loving and can guess
peacemakers and loving and can guess
peacemakers and loving and can guess what get angry about something and see
what get angry about something and see
what get angry about something and see the boundary even if it is about a cause
the boundary even if it is about a cause
the boundary even if it is about a cause for social justice I was angry for the
for social justice I was angry for the
for social justice I was angry for the first time in my life and the gift of
first time in my life and the gift of
first time in my life and the gift of that helps me to start an exit strategy
that helps me to start an exit strategy
that helps me to start an exit strategy divorce is like as much like death I
divorce is like as much like death I
divorce is like as much like death I guess because you have to kill your
guess because you have to kill your
guess because you have to kill your dreams walk away from many things and
dreams walk away from many things and
dreams walk away from many things and after three years of planning and
after three years of planning and
after three years of planning and deciding and moving I went to the
deciding and moving I went to the
deciding and moving I went to the courtroom on a Friday afternoon without
courtroom on a Friday afternoon without
courtroom on a Friday afternoon without a lawyer and got myself a decree of
a lawyer and got myself a decree of
a lawyer and got myself a decree of divorce would full custody of my
divorce would full custody of my
divorce would full custody of my children because I didn’t want them to
children because I didn’t want them to
children because I didn’t want them to come to any harm I wish that was the
come to any harm I wish that was the
come to any harm I wish that was the happily ever after I wish I could tell
happily ever after I wish I could tell
happily ever after I wish I could tell you yay it was at my son went missing
you yay it was at my son went missing
you yay it was at my son went missing almost immediately he was 13 years old
almost immediately he was 13 years old
almost immediately he was 13 years old and I had missing child posters up
and I had missing child posters up
and I had missing child posters up everywhere when I finally got him back
everywhere when I finally got him back
everywhere when I finally got him back home he sat on the bed at 13 years old
home he sat on the bed at 13 years old
home he sat on the bed at 13 years old and he said to me mom helped me I’m on
and he said to me mom helped me I’m on
and he said to me mom helped me I’m on heroin and so started ladies and
heroin and so started ladies and
heroin and so started ladies and gentlemen and ate your journey into the
gentlemen and ate your journey into the
gentlemen and ate your journey into the dark delves of addiction there are no
dark delves of addiction there are no
dark delves of addiction there are no words it is evil beyond evil that is all
words it is evil beyond evil that is all
words it is evil beyond evil that is all I can tell you it shatters the family it
I can tell you it shatters the family it
I can tell you it shatters the family it breaks homes it reverses roles it is
breaks homes it reverses roles it is
breaks homes it reverses roles it is just awful at one stage in a psychosis
just awful at one stage in a psychosis
just awful at one stage in a psychosis my son how does hostage for two hours
my son how does hostage for two hours
my son how does hostage for two hours and in that psychosis he became so
and in that psychosis he became so
and in that psychosis he became so violent that he cracked my ribs and
violent that he cracked my ribs and
violent that he cracked my ribs and shattered some of my skull I had to go
shattered some of my skull I had to go
shattered some of my skull I had to go to the hospital and come back and clean
to the hospital and come back and clean
to the hospital and come back and clean off that blood on my kitchen floor I’m
off that blood on my kitchen floor I’m
off that blood on my kitchen floor I’m speaking about this today because I want
speaking about this today because I want
speaking about this today because I want to break the silence around this it is
to break the silence around this it is
to break the silence around this it is happening in one info home
happening in one info home
happening in one info home it is happening my son and I have been
it is happening my son and I have been
it is happening my son and I have been restored and he is on a journey back to
restored and he is on a journey back to
restored and he is on a journey back to strength thank God but it doesn’t negate
strength thank God but it doesn’t negate
strength thank God but it doesn’t negate the fact that this is happening every
the fact that this is happening every
the fact that this is happening every day and I want to say to you that life
day and I want to say to you that life
day and I want to say to you that life is a choice there are things that I’ve
is a choice there are things that I’ve
is a choice there are things that I’ve learned and I want to take you quickly
learned and I want to take you quickly
learned and I want to take you quickly through some of the things we come from
through some of the things we come from
through some of the things we come from a place of fear or we come from a place
a place of fear or we come from a place
a place of fear or we come from a place of love but if you come from a place of
of love but if you come from a place of
of love but if you come from a place of love you can do no wrong even when you
love you can do no wrong even when you
love you can do no wrong even when you mess up I loved myself enough to put
mess up I loved myself enough to put
mess up I loved myself enough to put myself through college I love myself
myself through college I love myself
myself through college I love myself enough to say no to my son and have him
enough to say no to my son and have him
enough to say no to my son and have him arrested when I needed to don’t ever
arrested when I needed to don’t ever
arrested when I needed to don’t ever wear your wishbone where your backbone
wear your wishbone where your backbone
wear your wishbone where your backbone ought to be studying for qualifications
ought to be studying for qualifications
ought to be studying for qualifications meant i was up at three o’clock in the
meant i was up at three o’clock in the
meant i was up at three o’clock in the morning in the boardroom at eight
morning in the boardroom at eight
morning in the boardroom at eight o’clock back by five o’clock being with
o’clock back by five o’clock being with
o’clock back by five o’clock being with the kids still eight o’clock and back in
the kids still eight o’clock and back in
the kids still eight o’clock and back in my books after that it is possible
my books after that it is possible
my books after that it is possible because you are possible it is possible
because you are possible it is possible
because you are possible it is possible don’t be alone you know I’ve learned
don’t be alone you know I’ve learned
don’t be alone you know I’ve learned that by helping other people I’ve helped
that by helping other people I’ve helped
that by helping other people I’ve helped I’m helping myself and this work has
I’m helping myself and this work has
I’m helping myself and this work has taken me to such exciting places I’ve
taken me to such exciting places I’ve
taken me to such exciting places I’ve worked for the world health organization
worked for the world health organization
worked for the world health organization on the codeine case strategy i’ve worked
on the codeine case strategy i’ve worked
on the codeine case strategy i’ve worked with government and social cohesion I’ve
with government and social cohesion I’ve
with government and social cohesion I’ve worked on community projects mail and
worked on community projects mail and
worked on community projects mail and Guardian has recognized me as one of the
Guardian has recognized me as one of the
Guardian has recognized me as one of the top women in South Africa in 2012 it is
top women in South Africa in 2012 it is
top women in South Africa in 2012 it is exciting stuff because when you serve
exciting stuff because when you serve
exciting stuff because when you serve other people when you serve other people
other people when you serve other people
other people when you serve other people you heal yourself so this is about being
you heal yourself so this is about being
you heal yourself so this is about being active it gives purpose and I want to
active it gives purpose and I want to
active it gives purpose and I want to say one more thing what has helped me
say one more thing what has helped me
say one more thing what has helped me the most has been gratitude in those
the most has been gratitude in those
the most has been gratitude in those times when I had ice cubes in the
times when I had ice cubes in the
times when I had ice cubes in the freezer and two hungry faces looking at
freezer and two hungry faces looking at
freezer and two hungry faces looking at me it was about gratitude we had a
me it was about gratitude we had a
me it was about gratitude we had a celebration plate and every night we ate
celebration plate and every night we ate
celebration plate and every night we ate whoever had something to celebrate age
whoever had something to celebrate age
whoever had something to celebrate age of the celebration plate it didn’t need
of the celebration plate it didn’t need
of the celebration plate it didn’t need to be exciting but it needed to be
to be exciting but it needed to be
to be exciting but it needed to be something but it kept us from
something but it kept us from
something but it kept us from antidepressants so I asked you why do I
antidepressants so I asked you why do I
antidepressants so I asked you why do I stand here I should be in a loony bin
stand here I should be in a loony bin
stand here I should be in a loony bin right why do I stand here without
right why do I stand here without
right why do I stand here without antidepressants without anxiety attacks
antidepressants without anxiety attacks
antidepressants without anxiety attacks without any psychological need for
without any psychological need for
without any psychological need for therapy
it’s a good question isn’t it it’s
it’s a good question isn’t it it’s because it is time that we are rooted in
because it is time that we are rooted in
because it is time that we are rooted in love in the identity of who we are in
love in the identity of who we are in
love in the identity of who we are in love and it is time to be the creator of
love and it is time to be the creator of
love and it is time to be the creator of your life to break the silence to smash
your life to break the silence to smash
your life to break the silence to smash through the stigmas and say I am
through the stigmas and say I am
through the stigmas and say I am possible I am possible it’s about time
possible I am possible it’s about time
possible I am possible it’s about time ladies and gentlemen that we are brave
ladies and gentlemen that we are brave
ladies and gentlemen that we are brave brave enough to create a life with joy
brave enough to create a life with joy
brave enough to create a life with joy thank you
”
Be First to Comment