resilience was my companion on my life’s journey that began on an ordinary Sunday
journey that began on an ordinary Sunday
journey that began on an ordinary Sunday in November of 1992 what I heard
in November of 1992 what I heard
in November of 1992 what I heard laughter and giggling coming from the
laughter and giggling coming from the
laughter and giggling coming from the living room of my parents home so I
living room of my parents home so I
living room of my parents home so I peeked out and I saw my dad and then
peeked out and I saw my dad and then
peeked out and I saw my dad and then three year old daughter eating gummy
three year old daughter eating gummy
three year old daughter eating gummy bears my daughter would put one in his
bears my daughter would put one in his
bears my daughter would put one in his mouth and my dad would hold it between
mouth and my dad would hold it between
mouth and my dad would hold it between his teeth and gums and the gummy bear
his teeth and gums and the gummy bear
his teeth and gums and the gummy bear would slip out and my daughter would
would slip out and my daughter would
would slip out and my daughter would giggle it was funny to see my dad with a
giggle it was funny to see my dad with a
giggle it was funny to see my dad with a great big gummy bear smile after a while
great big gummy bear smile after a while
great big gummy bear smile after a while that joy had settled and it was time for
that joy had settled and it was time for
that joy had settled and it was time for our long four-hour drive home hugs and
our long four-hour drive home hugs and
our long four-hour drive home hugs and kisses to mom and dad and my daughter
kisses to mom and dad and my daughter
kisses to mom and dad and my daughter buckled into her car seat we were on our
buckled into her car seat we were on our
buckled into her car seat we were on our way it wasn’t before long she was fast
way it wasn’t before long she was fast
way it wasn’t before long she was fast asleep and I began thinking about the
asleep and I began thinking about the
asleep and I began thinking about the long list of things to do when we got
long list of things to do when we got
long list of things to do when we got home my husband would be there waiting
home my husband would be there waiting
home my husband would be there waiting and another workweek and family routine
and another workweek and family routine
and another workweek and family routine loomed ahead of us as soon as we got
loomed ahead of us as soon as we got
loomed ahead of us as soon as we got home the phone was already ringing I
home the phone was already ringing I
home the phone was already ringing I came in to set my daughter down on the
came in to set my daughter down on the
came in to set my daughter down on the couch and went over to answer it before
couch and went over to answer it before
couch and went over to answer it before I could say hello my sister was already
I could say hello my sister was already
I could say hello my sister was already talking Kelly you have got to get
talking Kelly you have got to get
talking Kelly you have got to get yourself back home dad’s and an
yourself back home dad’s and an
yourself back home dad’s and an ambulance on the way to the hospital
ambulance on the way to the hospital
ambulance on the way to the hospital he’s had a seizure he doesn’t look good
he’s had a seizure he doesn’t look good
he’s had a seizure he doesn’t look good my mind and body went into autopilot I
my mind and body went into autopilot I
my mind and body went into autopilot I was so tired from the long four-hour
was so tired from the long four-hour
was so tired from the long four-hour drive home my heart began to race as I
drive home my heart began to race as I
drive home my heart began to race as I tore down the highway to the hospital I
tore down the highway to the hospital I
tore down the highway to the hospital I arrived around midnight not really
arrived around midnight not really
arrived around midnight not really paying attention on how or where I left
paying attention on how or where I left
paying attention on how or where I left my car I walked into the emergency room
my car I walked into the emergency room
my car I walked into the emergency room I saw my family gathered but where’s dad
I saw my family gathered but where’s dad
I saw my family gathered but where’s dad it was all so surreal I caught myself in
it was all so surreal I caught myself in
it was all so surreal I caught myself in a glass reflection
a glass reflection
a glass reflection almost as an observer but not really
almost as an observer but not really
almost as an observer but not really present and then it hit me this is
present and then it hit me this is
present and then it hit me this is really happening my worst fears filled
really happening my worst fears filled
really happening my worst fears filled the room and the oxygen was being sucked
the room and the oxygen was being sucked
the room and the oxygen was being sucked out by the sobs of my mom’s cries as the
out by the sobs of my mom’s cries as the
out by the sobs of my mom’s cries as the doctor came in his disheveled look and
doctor came in his disheveled look and
doctor came in his disheveled look and weary demeanor
weary demeanor
weary demeanor betrayed his best attempts at delivering
betrayed his best attempts at delivering
betrayed his best attempts at delivering the news there was no way he could
the news there was no way he could
the news there was no way he could soften when he was about to say I
soften when he was about to say I
soften when he was about to say I remember the words so vividly as he sat
remember the words so vividly as he sat
remember the words so vividly as he sat next to my mother your husband is very
next to my mother your husband is very
next to my mother your husband is very sick he has a rare form of cancer small
sick he has a rare form of cancer small
sick he has a rare form of cancer small cell carcinoma which has spread through
cell carcinoma which has spread through
cell carcinoma which has spread through his body and into his brain that’s what
his body and into his brain that’s what
his body and into his brain that’s what caused his seizure tonight doctor I just
caused his seizure tonight doctor I just
caused his seizure tonight doctor I just saw my dad playing with his
saw my dad playing with his
saw my dad playing with his granddaughter this afternoon are you
granddaughter this afternoon are you
granddaughter this afternoon are you sure you had the right family I’m very
sure you had the right family I’m very
sure you had the right family I’m very sorry a social worker will be in to help
sorry a social worker will be in to help
sorry a social worker will be in to help you with arrangements arrangements what
you with arrangements arrangements what
you with arrangements arrangements what arrangements did he just say my dad was
arrangements did he just say my dad was
arrangements did he just say my dad was going to die
a few days later I was sitting next to
a few days later I was sitting next to my dad’s bedside holding his hand and I
my dad’s bedside holding his hand and I
my dad’s bedside holding his hand and I was telling him it’s okay to let go get
as his let brass became labored I was
as his let brass became labored I was crying it’s okay dad you did good you
crying it’s okay dad you did good you
crying it’s okay dad you did good you raised us kids right I was 23 years old
raised us kids right I was 23 years old
raised us kids right I was 23 years old and my hero just died my dad died the
and my hero just died my dad died the
and my hero just died my dad died the day after Veterans Day as a family of
day after Veterans Day as a family of
day after Veterans Day as a family of Patriots we felt that was an appropriate
Patriots we felt that was an appropriate
Patriots we felt that was an appropriate homecoming for a Korean War hero and it
homecoming for a Korean War hero and it
homecoming for a Korean War hero and it gave my daughter comfort knowing that
gave my daughter comfort knowing that
gave my daughter comfort knowing that her granddad was going to heaven with a
her granddad was going to heaven with a
her granddad was going to heaven with a gummy bear smile we would celebrate
gummy bear smile we would celebrate
gummy bear smile we would celebrate dad’s homecoming every Veterans Day with
dad’s homecoming every Veterans Day with
dad’s homecoming every Veterans Day with a cookout at my sister’s somebody would
a cookout at my sister’s somebody would
a cookout at my sister’s somebody would always ask for a war story my dad said
always ask for a war story my dad said
always ask for a war story my dad said Korea that was nothing you want a war
Korea that was nothing you want a war
Korea that was nothing you want a war story try raising three teenagers there
story try raising three teenagers there
story try raising three teenagers there are some stories I can tell you
Thanksgiving had gone and past but
Thanksgiving had gone and past but Christmas now that was mom and dad’s
Christmas now that was mom and dad’s
Christmas now that was mom and dad’s favorite holiday dad would double wrap
favorite holiday dad would double wrap
favorite holiday dad would double wrap the Christmas gifts and he would get a
the Christmas gifts and he would get a
the Christmas gifts and he would get a great joy out of watching the kids
great joy out of watching the kids
great joy out of watching the kids tearing open their presents and as they
tearing open their presents and as they
tearing open their presents and as they got to the next layer my dad would point
got to the next layer my dad would point
got to the next layer my dad would point to my mom she did it it was a great big
to my mom she did it it was a great big
to my mom she did it it was a great big gasp we made as though dad was there and
gasp we made as though dad was there and
gasp we made as though dad was there and I think it gave mom some comfort to
I think it gave mom some comfort to
I think it gave mom some comfort to three months had passed spring had
three months had passed spring had
three months had passed spring had sprung and my heart and mine calmed a
sprung and my heart and mine calmed a
sprung and my heart and mine calmed a bit it was a regular workday pace of
bit it was a regular workday pace of
bit it was a regular workday pace of answering the phones I
answering the phones I
answering the phones I a soft voice Kellie mom’s gone
a soft voice Kellie mom’s gone
a soft voice Kellie mom’s gone what do you mean God where did she go it
what do you mean God where did she go it
what do you mean God where did she go it was completely silent Kellie mom’s gone
was completely silent Kellie mom’s gone
was completely silent Kellie mom’s gone mom shot herself mom’s dead did I hear
mom shot herself mom’s dead did I hear
mom shot herself mom’s dead did I hear her right did she just say my mother
her right did she just say my mother
her right did she just say my mother shot herself that she’s dead
shot herself that she’s dead
shot herself that she’s dead the phone fell to the floor and I began
the phone fell to the floor and I began
the phone fell to the floor and I began begging my sister
how can a family be any more broken and
how can a family be any more broken and devastated my brother sister and I were
devastated my brother sister and I were
devastated my brother sister and I were barely hanging on and keeping things
barely hanging on and keeping things
barely hanging on and keeping things together everything was so out of order
together everything was so out of order
together everything was so out of order we were all under 35 years old and we
we were all under 35 years old and we
we were all under 35 years old and we had just buried both of our parents in
had just buried both of our parents in
had just buried both of our parents in less than three months well life began
less than three months well life began
less than three months well life began again in its own strange and imperfect
again in its own strange and imperfect
again in its own strange and imperfect way but something didn’t feel right
way but something didn’t feel right
way but something didn’t feel right something wasn’t right between my
something wasn’t right between my
something wasn’t right between my husband and me his behavior was cold and
husband and me his behavior was cold and
husband and me his behavior was cold and distant I was grieving I needed his arms
distant I was grieving I needed his arms
distant I was grieving I needed his arms around me he just wanted me to move on
around me he just wanted me to move on
around me he just wanted me to move on and get through it I discovered I was
and get through it I discovered I was
and get through it I discovered I was living in a marriage of half-truths I
put on my blinders and I shielded my
put on my blinders and I shielded my heart the best way I could raising a
heart the best way I could raising a
heart the best way I could raising a daughter without a father was not an
daughter without a father was not an
daughter without a father was not an option and our families had been through
option and our families had been through
option and our families had been through more grief than anyone should ever have
more grief than anyone should ever have
more grief than anyone should ever have to
to
to bear my self-esteem was at an all-time
bear my self-esteem was at an all-time
bear my self-esteem was at an all-time low I gained weight I put my feelings
low I gained weight I put my feelings
low I gained weight I put my feelings inside things that gave me comfort I no
inside things that gave me comfort I no
inside things that gave me comfort I no longer recognize myself I wasn’t
longer recognize myself I wasn’t
longer recognize myself I wasn’t permitted any outside friendships my
permitted any outside friendships my
permitted any outside friendships my life was work and home so I made the
life was work and home so I made the
life was work and home so I made the best of it and I began a home-based
best of it and I began a home-based
best of it and I began a home-based business caring for seniors so I put my
business caring for seniors so I put my
business caring for seniors so I put my grief aside and as time slowly went by I
grief aside and as time slowly went by I
grief aside and as time slowly went by I realized this is my life now
the grief I’d carried for my mom and dad
the grief I’d carried for my mom and dad was now buried deep in the heaviness of
was now buried deep in the heaviness of
was now buried deep in the heaviness of my soul and 263 pounds
things seemed to move along and smooth
things seemed to move along and smooth out I had a successful business we built
out I had a successful business we built
out I had a successful business we built a beautiful new home and our daughter
a beautiful new home and our daughter
a beautiful new home and our daughter had graduated University and was out of
had graduated University and was out of
had graduated University and was out of the nest so I taken those blinders off
the nest so I taken those blinders off
the nest so I taken those blinders off I’d put on so many years ago only to see
I’d put on so many years ago only to see
I’d put on so many years ago only to see that my trust had been betrayed yet
that my trust had been betrayed yet
that my trust had been betrayed yet again rage and anger filled my soul it
again rage and anger filled my soul it
again rage and anger filled my soul it reignited the inner flame I found my
reignited the inner flame I found my
reignited the inner flame I found my self-esteem under all those layers of
self-esteem under all those layers of
self-esteem under all those layers of denial resentment guilt and fear my
denial resentment guilt and fear my
denial resentment guilt and fear my 23-year marriage was over I was
23-year marriage was over I was
23-year marriage was over I was devastated with my books computer photos
devastated with my books computer photos
devastated with my books computer photos and a few sticks of furniture packed
and a few sticks of furniture packed
and a few sticks of furniture packed away in my car I saw my memories
away in my car I saw my memories
away in my car I saw my memories dissolve is I drove down the driveway
dissolve is I drove down the driveway
dissolve is I drove down the driveway and the other woman drove in I hit rock
and the other woman drove in I hit rock
and the other woman drove in I hit rock bottom I began thinking about a
bottom I began thinking about a
bottom I began thinking about a statistic that a trusted advisor quoted
statistic that a trusted advisor quoted
statistic that a trusted advisor quoted to me that children of a parent who has
to me that children of a parent who has
to me that children of a parent who has committed suicide is likely to die by
committed suicide is likely to die by
committed suicide is likely to die by suicide themselves that’s not me I’m not
suicide themselves that’s not me I’m not
suicide themselves that’s not me I’m not gonna be a statistic I’ve worked too
gonna be a statistic I’ve worked too
gonna be a statistic I’ve worked too hard and sacrificed too much to have my
hard and sacrificed too much to have my
hard and sacrificed too much to have my daughter find me dead in a gutter things
daughter find me dead in a gutter things
daughter find me dead in a gutter things seem so hopeless
seem so hopeless
seem so hopeless I was I gonna get through this well it
I was I gonna get through this well it
I was I gonna get through this well it turns out was a walk in the park
turns out was a walk in the park
turns out was a walk in the park literally every night I walked and
literally every night I walked and
literally every night I walked and solice thinking about the hard hits that
solice thinking about the hard hits that
solice thinking about the hard hits that life had given me and how I could use
life had given me and how I could use
life had given me and how I could use them like armor to protect myself from
them like armor to protect myself from
them like armor to protect myself from the hits that were coming next the
the hits that were coming next the
the hits that were coming next the weight of my mind and body melts it away
weight of my mind and body melts it away
weight of my mind and body melts it away with every walk becoming a
with every walk becoming a
with every walk becoming a self-awareness session I built
self-awareness session I built
self-awareness session I built resilience life’s code of armor unlike a
resilience life’s code of armor unlike a
resilience life’s code of armor unlike a DNA code we are not born with resilience
DNA code we are not born with resilience
DNA code we are not born with resilience but like DNA that has four bases that
but like DNA that has four bases that
but like DNA that has four bases that send out messages for survival
send out messages for survival
send out messages for survival resilience also has four bases that send
resilience also has four bases that send
resilience also has four bases that send out messages our messages however may be
out messages our messages however may be
out messages our messages however may be different for me mine are red a positive
different for me mine are red a positive
different for me mine are red a positive self-image I no longer see myself as my
self-image I no longer see myself as my
self-image I no longer see myself as my circumstances I invest in relationships
circumstances I invest in relationships
circumstances I invest in relationships that invest in me yellow is a long-term
that invest in me yellow is a long-term
that invest in me yellow is a long-term perspective my problems seem big but I
perspective my problems seem big but I
perspective my problems seem big but I look at the bigger picture it’s like the
look at the bigger picture it’s like the
look at the bigger picture it’s like the light at the end of the tunnel blue is a
light at the end of the tunnel blue is a
light at the end of the tunnel blue is a positive outlook I can see the finish
positive outlook I can see the finish
positive outlook I can see the finish line and I’m no longer going to be
line and I’m no longer going to be
line and I’m no longer going to be afraid at what might happen before I get
afraid at what might happen before I get
afraid at what might happen before I get there and green is a courageous attitude
there and green is a courageous attitude
there and green is a courageous attitude I step up I put on my armor I face my
I step up I put on my armor I face my
I step up I put on my armor I face my challenges I manage them and I set them
challenges I manage them and I set them
challenges I manage them and I set them aside for self-care you see sometimes
aside for self-care you see sometimes
aside for self-care you see sometimes we’re called to be bigger than we are in
we’re called to be bigger than we are in
we’re called to be bigger than we are in life experience age or stature size
life experience age or stature size
life experience age or stature size doesn’t matter in the times of tragedy
doesn’t matter in the times of tragedy
doesn’t matter in the times of tragedy and conflict
resilience was my companion through my
resilience was my companion through my life’s journey
life’s journey
life’s journey it helps me through the loss and grief
it helps me through the loss and grief
it helps me through the loss and grief of the death of my parents
of the death of my parents
of the death of my parents it helped me find my self-esteem forgive
it helped me find my self-esteem forgive
it helped me find my self-esteem forgive infidelity and rebuild my home I take
infidelity and rebuild my home I take
infidelity and rebuild my home I take those walks in the park still clear my
those walks in the park still clear my
those walks in the park still clear my mind and when I feel like I need
mind and when I feel like I need
mind and when I feel like I need resilience I say these four phrases and
resilience I say these four phrases and
resilience I say these four phrases and I invite you to say them along with me I
I invite you to say them along with me I
I invite you to say them along with me I am valuable I am worth knowing I am
am valuable I am worth knowing I am
am valuable I am worth knowing I am worth fighting for and I am worth loving
now that’s an idea worth spreading thank
now that’s an idea worth spreading thank you
you
you [Applause]
”
Be First to Comment