I have a compulsive disorder a disorder that I didn’t know had a name for more
that I didn’t know had a name for more
that I didn’t know had a name for more than 20 years of my life
than 20 years of my life
than 20 years of my life this disorder dominated everything about
this disorder dominated everything about
this disorder dominated everything about me and I’m going to tell you a bit about
me and I’m going to tell you a bit about
me and I’m going to tell you a bit about that story and what I’ve done to cope
that story and what I’ve done to cope
that story and what I’ve done to cope with that and transform it and turn it
with that and transform it and turn it
with that and transform it and turn it into something beyond anything I could
into something beyond anything I could
into something beyond anything I could have imagined this is my face these
have imagined this is my face these
have imagined this is my face these marks and wounds on my face are not acne
marks and wounds on my face are not acne
marks and wounds on my face are not acne these are wounds I’ve created compulsive
these are wounds I’ve created compulsive
these are wounds I’ve created compulsive skin picking is a complex physical and
skin picking is a complex physical and
skin picking is a complex physical and mental disorder
mental disorder
mental disorder it affects people in many ways and in my
it affects people in many ways and in my
it affects people in many ways and in my personal experience from the age of six
personal experience from the age of six
personal experience from the age of six or seven this disorder became a complex
or seven this disorder became a complex
or seven this disorder became a complex part of how I functioned every day I
part of how I functioned every day I
part of how I functioned every day I would pick the skin around my fingers as
would pick the skin around my fingers as
would pick the skin around my fingers as a young child’s skin picking is a very
a young child’s skin picking is a very
a young child’s skin picking is a very normal thing for pretty much every human
normal thing for pretty much every human
normal thing for pretty much every human but some of us develop this in a much
but some of us develop this in a much
but some of us develop this in a much more complex way and that skin picking
more complex way and that skin picking
more complex way and that skin picking escalated
escalated
escalated I would pick my back my face my fingers
I would pick my back my face my fingers
I would pick my back my face my fingers my chest the heels of my feet I would
my chest the heels of my feet I would
my chest the heels of my feet I would wake up with blood on my bedsheets it
wake up with blood on my bedsheets it
wake up with blood on my bedsheets it absolutely dominated how I would dress
absolutely dominated how I would dress
absolutely dominated how I would dress the clothing I would wear was absolutely
the clothing I would wear was absolutely
the clothing I would wear was absolutely hidden and disguising the marks on my
hidden and disguising the marks on my
hidden and disguising the marks on my body I didn’t own a t-shirt for 10 years
body I didn’t own a t-shirt for 10 years
body I didn’t own a t-shirt for 10 years but part of my story is theater so I
but part of my story is theater so I
but part of my story is theater so I studied theater and this is part of how
studied theater and this is part of how
studied theater and this is part of how the dichotomy in my life has led me to
the dichotomy in my life has led me to
the dichotomy in my life has led me to this place
this place
this place studying theater means you stand up in
studying theater means you stand up in
studying theater means you stand up in front of people and you present the body
front of people and you present the body
front of people and you present the body you speak you share your stories and the
you speak you share your stories and the
you speak you share your stories and the stories of others but I had marks and
stories of others but I had marks and
stories of others but I had marks and wounds all over my body and was very
wounds all over my body and was very
wounds all over my body and was very very very frightened of letting those
very very frightened of letting those
very very frightened of letting those things be seen skin picking changed for
things be seen skin picking changed for
things be seen skin picking changed for me dramatically when I was 30 so between
me dramatically when I was 30 so between
me dramatically when I was 30 so between the age of six and thirty this disorder
the age of six and thirty this disorder
the age of six and thirty this disorder was a daily part of my
was a daily part of my
was a daily part of my struggle the guilt and shame surrounding
struggle the guilt and shame surrounding
struggle the guilt and shame surrounding this disorder is absolutely enormous I
this disorder is absolutely enormous I
this disorder is absolutely enormous I didn’t tell anyone in my life aside from
didn’t tell anyone in my life aside from
didn’t tell anyone in my life aside from family members that this was even
family members that this was even
family members that this was even something I was struggling with and at
something I was struggling with and at
something I was struggling with and at the age of 30 I signed up to do a
the age of 30 I signed up to do a
the age of 30 I signed up to do a master’s in dance quite a challenging
master’s in dance quite a challenging
master’s in dance quite a challenging thing for someone with skin picking it
thing for someone with skin picking it
thing for someone with skin picking it was a life-changing moment we were
was a life-changing moment we were
was a life-changing moment we were encouraged to take a video camera into a
encouraged to take a video camera into a
encouraged to take a video camera into a dance studio and record pedestrian
dance studio and record pedestrian
dance studio and record pedestrian movement in the first week of that
movement in the first week of that
movement in the first week of that course and I did the exercise when I
course and I did the exercise when I
course and I did the exercise when I turned the video round and played it
turned the video round and played it
turned the video round and played it back I lasted fractions of a second
back I lasted fractions of a second
back I lasted fractions of a second before my hands went up to my face and I
before my hands went up to my face and I
before my hands went up to my face and I started picking up my face over the
started picking up my face over the
started picking up my face over the course of two hours with streaming tears
course of two hours with streaming tears
course of two hours with streaming tears falling down my face I watched my
falling down my face I watched my
falling down my face I watched my disorder on the screen and something
disorder on the screen and something
disorder on the screen and something occurred to me
occurred to me
occurred to me skin picking has become a dance in my
skin picking has become a dance in my
skin picking has become a dance in my life the repeated movement patterns of
life the repeated movement patterns of
life the repeated movement patterns of this disorder are like a dance so skin
this disorder are like a dance so skin
this disorder are like a dance so skin picking is common one in 25 have this
picking is common one in 25 have this
picking is common one in 25 have this disorder this is a statistic I
disorder this is a statistic I
disorder this is a statistic I discovered at that point I googled skin
discovered at that point I googled skin
discovered at that point I googled skin picking first time I’d ever looked for
picking first time I’d ever looked for
picking first time I’d ever looked for this information online and all this
this information online and all this
this information online and all this information came up and I realized this
information came up and I realized this
information came up and I realized this is a very common disorder there are
is a very common disorder there are
is a very common disorder there are probably people in this room who know
probably people in this room who know
probably people in this room who know what I’m talking about
what I’m talking about
what I’m talking about you may have heard of the hair-pulling
you may have heard of the hair-pulling
you may have heard of the hair-pulling disorder where people pull out their
disorder where people pull out their
disorder where people pull out their hair because they’re stressed or anxious
hair because they’re stressed or anxious
hair because they’re stressed or anxious this is the sister disorder to that so
this is the sister disorder to that so
this is the sister disorder to that so what do you do now medication can really
what do you do now medication can really
what do you do now medication can really help CBT cognitive behavioral therapy is
help CBT cognitive behavioral therapy is
help CBT cognitive behavioral therapy is also a route that you might go down if
also a route that you might go down if
also a route that you might go down if you’re having treatment for this
you’re having treatment for this
you’re having treatment for this disorder and these can be extremely
disorder and these can be extremely
disorder and these can be extremely valuable but I didn’t access those
valuable but I didn’t access those
valuable but I didn’t access those things I started making artwork about
things I started making artwork about
things I started making artwork about what the disorder felt like what I’m
what the disorder felt like what I’m
what the disorder felt like what I’m about to show you is not something that
about to show you is not something that
about to show you is not something that came easily this took me several years
came easily this took me several years
came easily this took me several years and in fact it’s been ten years of
and in fact it’s been ten years of
and in fact it’s been ten years of making artwork about the disorder for me
making artwork about the disorder for me
making artwork about the disorder for me this is what my skin feels like every
this is what my skin feels like every
this is what my skin feels like every day even standing here now my skin feels
day even standing here now my skin feels
day even standing here now my skin feels like it has a texture on it that I need
like it has a texture on it that I need
like it has a texture on it that I need to pick off it’s a very strange thing to
to pick off it’s a very strange thing to
to pick off it’s a very strange thing to describe to people that don’t know what
describe to people that don’t know what
describe to people that don’t know what that feels like and I started
that feels like and I started
that feels like and I started reimagining
reimagining
reimagining body slowly over ten years I started
body slowly over ten years I started
body slowly over ten years I started working with a camera and I was coming
working with a camera and I was coming
working with a camera and I was coming from a dance and theater tradition not
from a dance and theater tradition not
from a dance and theater tradition not from an art tradition and these images
from an art tradition and these images
from an art tradition and these images began to help me reimagine and re claim
began to help me reimagine and re claim
began to help me reimagine and re claim the skin that had damaged and distressed
the skin that had damaged and distressed
the skin that had damaged and distressed me for so long I started to work with
me for so long I started to work with
me for so long I started to work with galleries and exhibitions but life
galleries and exhibitions but life
galleries and exhibitions but life changed very dramatically for me in 2014
changed very dramatically for me in 2014
changed very dramatically for me in 2014 life threw me a curveball I’d worked
life threw me a curveball I’d worked
life threw me a curveball I’d worked full-time and I was tired I wasn’t
full-time and I was tired I wasn’t
full-time and I was tired I wasn’t sleeping I was very stressed I was very
sleeping I was very stressed I was very
sleeping I was very stressed I was very anxious my skin picking returned very
anxious my skin picking returned very
anxious my skin picking returned very badly so art although it was helping me
badly so art although it was helping me
badly so art although it was helping me it’s not a cure and it wasn’t stopping
it’s not a cure and it wasn’t stopping
it’s not a cure and it wasn’t stopping it from happening completely and I had
it from happening completely and I had
it from happening completely and I had an accident at home I fell down the
an accident at home I fell down the
an accident at home I fell down the stairs the next morning I got up and
stairs the next morning I got up and
stairs the next morning I got up and went to work I was bruised I felt really
went to work I was bruised I felt really
went to work I was bruised I felt really shaken and I had an out-of-body
shaken and I had an out-of-body
shaken and I had an out-of-body experience at my computer I now know
experience at my computer I now know
experience at my computer I now know that’s a dissociative state that’s
that’s a dissociative state that’s
that’s a dissociative state that’s associated with severe depression and
associated with severe depression and
associated with severe depression and chronic anxiety I saw a doctor the same
chronic anxiety I saw a doctor the same
chronic anxiety I saw a doctor the same day and I was signed off work ten months
day and I was signed off work ten months
day and I was signed off work ten months of sick leave followed I went from being
of sick leave followed I went from being
of sick leave followed I went from being a professional functioning human being
a professional functioning human being
a professional functioning human being to someone in a dressing gown who
to someone in a dressing gown who
to someone in a dressing gown who couldn’t leave the house all those
couldn’t leave the house all those
couldn’t leave the house all those mental health statistics you hear about
mental health statistics you hear about
mental health statistics you hear about happened to me people left my life
happened to me people left my life
happened to me people left my life people stopped calling people didn’t
people stopped calling people didn’t
people stopped calling people didn’t know what to say and around the same
know what to say and around the same
know what to say and around the same time I was asked to make artwork by a
time I was asked to make artwork by a
time I was asked to make artwork by a gallery that I’d made a connection with
gallery that I’d made a connection with
gallery that I’d made a connection with called the Bethlem gallery it’s the
called the Bethlem gallery it’s the
called the Bethlem gallery it’s the world’s oldest psychiatric hospital and
world’s oldest psychiatric hospital and
world’s oldest psychiatric hospital and I’d connected with them through the skin
I’d connected with them through the skin
I’d connected with them through the skin picking artwork the artwork I made saved
picking artwork the artwork I made saved
picking artwork the artwork I made saved my life
my life
my life I was asked to make work for the anxiety
I was asked to make work for the anxiety
I was asked to make work for the anxiety festival at the point where I had the
festival at the point where I had the
festival at the point where I had the biggest anxiety attack of my life what
biggest anxiety attack of my life what
biggest anxiety attack of my life what is that is that serendipity I don’t know
is that is that serendipity I don’t know
is that is that serendipity I don’t know I took the challenge and this artwork a
I took the challenge and this artwork a
I took the challenge and this artwork a year later was shown in a solo
year later was shown in a solo
year later was shown in a solo exhibition in Los Angeles in a hospital
exhibition in Los Angeles in a hospital
exhibition in Los Angeles in a hospital this changed my life
this changed my life
this changed my life saved my life and around the same time
saved my life and around the same time
saved my life and around the same time someone bought me a box of charcoal and
someone bought me a box of charcoal and
someone bought me a box of charcoal and this is the thing I’m now known for
this is the thing I’m now known for
this is the thing I’m now known for which he
which he
which he crazy I started drawing I hadn’t really
crazy I started drawing I hadn’t really
crazy I started drawing I hadn’t really drawn since I was a teenager and drawing
drawn since I was a teenager and drawing
drawn since I was a teenager and drawing has become the best tool to help me
has become the best tool to help me
has become the best tool to help me with this disorder if there’s no cure
with this disorder if there’s no cure
with this disorder if there’s no cure for skin picking and I feel it
for skin picking and I feel it
for skin picking and I feel it physically in my body every day
physically in my body every day
physically in my body every day everywhere I am drawing shifts that
everywhere I am drawing shifts that
everywhere I am drawing shifts that energy and one day I was on the train
energy and one day I was on the train
energy and one day I was on the train drawing in a sketchbook and I’d got a
drawing in a sketchbook and I’d got a
drawing in a sketchbook and I’d got a job in North London so I was commuting
job in North London so I was commuting
job in North London so I was commuting from south to north London it’s a
from south to north London it’s a
from south to north London it’s a two-hour commute and panic attacks were
two-hour commute and panic attacks were
two-hour commute and panic attacks were still happening so I was having to
still happening so I was having to
still happening so I was having to battle that on the cheap she was not
battle that on the cheap she was not
battle that on the cheap she was not easy in the best of times
easy in the best of times
easy in the best of times and one day my sketchbook ran out
and one day my sketchbook ran out
and one day my sketchbook ran out another moment of serendipity the
another moment of serendipity the
another moment of serendipity the carriage was littered with newspapers
carriage was littered with newspapers
carriage was littered with newspapers and I felt the panic attack rising I
and I felt the panic attack rising I
and I felt the panic attack rising I looked to my fingers and I was picking
looked to my fingers and I was picking
looked to my fingers and I was picking my fingers and I thought if I don’t do
my fingers and I thought if I don’t do
my fingers and I thought if I don’t do something my hands are gonna be bleeding
something my hands are gonna be bleeding
something my hands are gonna be bleeding by the time I get to work I picked up a
by the time I get to work I picked up a
by the time I get to work I picked up a newspaper and I doodled on it I liked it
newspaper and I doodled on it I liked it
newspaper and I doodled on it I liked it I shared the photo on social media loads
I shared the photo on social media loads
I shared the photo on social media loads of people went what’s this graffiti this
of people went what’s this graffiti this
of people went what’s this graffiti this is so cool I left it on the train I just
is so cool I left it on the train I just
is so cool I left it on the train I just I left it on the seat beside me when I
I left it on the seat beside me when I
I left it on the seat beside me when I got on the train on the way home I did
got on the train on the way home I did
got on the train on the way home I did the same thing because I still didn’t
the same thing because I still didn’t
the same thing because I still didn’t have a sketchbook that has turned into
have a sketchbook that has turned into
have a sketchbook that has turned into something I do every single day on the
something I do every single day on the
something I do every single day on the way here today I gave away 20 drawings
way here today I gave away 20 drawings
way here today I gave away 20 drawings to strangers in the carriage I realized
to strangers in the carriage I realized
to strangers in the carriage I realized very quickly that the act of drawing in
very quickly that the act of drawing in
very quickly that the act of drawing in a public place on a newspaper is a bit
a public place on a newspaper is a bit
a public place on a newspaper is a bit odd people look people wonder and you
odd people look people wonder and you
odd people look people wonder and you know that thing of people checking out
know that thing of people checking out
know that thing of people checking out what you’re doing over your shoulder on
what you’re doing over your shoulder on
what you’re doing over your shoulder on the tube I could feel that as a person
the tube I could feel that as a person
the tube I could feel that as a person with a performance background it’s it’s
with a performance background it’s it’s
with a performance background it’s it’s very present
very present
very present so I started leaning across and saying
so I started leaning across and saying
so I started leaning across and saying would you like this drawing people don’t
would you like this drawing people don’t
would you like this drawing people don’t know what to do lots of people say no no
know what to do lots of people say no no
know what to do lots of people say no no thank you
thank you
thank you Oh would you would you like this drawing
Oh would you would you like this drawing
Oh would you would you like this drawing person next to me yeah very quickly I
person next to me yeah very quickly I
person next to me yeah very quickly I realized that the person that didn’t get
realized that the person that didn’t get
realized that the person that didn’t get the drawing is then a bit sad and once
the drawing is then a bit sad and once
the drawing is then a bit sad and once the drawing so then I do another drawing
the drawing so then I do another drawing
the drawing so then I do another drawing you do want a drawing don’t you and I
you do want a drawing don’t you and I
you do want a drawing don’t you and I passed them the drawing
passed them the drawing
passed them the drawing so this accumulating a creative moment
so this accumulating a creative moment
so this accumulating a creative moment through an act of drawing becomes a
through an act of drawing becomes a
through an act of drawing becomes a moment of connection why are you drawing
moment of connection why are you drawing
moment of connection why are you drawing oh I’m drawing because I’ve got a mental
oh I’m drawing because I’ve got a mental
oh I’m drawing because I’ve got a mental health problem and I pick my fingers
health problem and I pick my fingers
health problem and I pick my fingers really badly and actually I get panic
really badly and actually I get panic
really badly and actually I get panic attacks often many many times a day the
attacks often many many times a day the
attacks often many many times a day the person declares something of their own
person declares something of their own
person declares something of their own experience of mental health little
experience of mental health little
experience of mental health little conversations about mental health start
conversations about mental health start
conversations about mental health start happening those are moments of
happening those are moments of
happening those are moments of connection and I realize that for all
connection and I realize that for all
connection and I realize that for all those conversations I have with the
those conversations I have with the
those conversations I have with the person that gets the drawing there’s
person that gets the drawing there’s
person that gets the drawing there’s another 15 or 20 people that witness it
another 15 or 20 people that witness it
another 15 or 20 people that witness it so I started carrying a postcard because
so I started carrying a postcard because
so I started carrying a postcard because I can’t talk to them all but I can pass
I can’t talk to them all but I can pass
I can’t talk to them all but I can pass out a postcard around the carriage the
out a postcard around the carriage the
out a postcard around the carriage the postcard says I have a compulsive
postcard says I have a compulsive
postcard says I have a compulsive disorder what you’re witnessing is about
disorder what you’re witnessing is about
disorder what you’re witnessing is about mental health and recovery this is what
mental health and recovery this is what
mental health and recovery this is what is helping me right now in this moment
is helping me right now in this moment
is helping me right now in this moment but it’s also an act of kindness I don’t
but it’s also an act of kindness I don’t
but it’s also an act of kindness I don’t need the drawings I just need to do them
need the drawings I just need to do them
need the drawings I just need to do them Londoners started getting involved
Londoners started getting involved
Londoners started getting involved sharing their drawings on social media
sharing their drawings on social media
sharing their drawings on social media and it starts to spread this message
and it starts to spread this message
and it starts to spread this message this spread this message of recovery and
this spread this message of recovery and
this spread this message of recovery and then suddenly invitations to do this in
then suddenly invitations to do this in
then suddenly invitations to do this in other cities start presenting themselves
other cities start presenting themselves
other cities start presenting themselves so in January I went to the em1
so in January I went to the em1
so in January I went to the em1 Singapore Fringe Festival and I gave
Singapore Fringe Festival and I gave
Singapore Fringe Festival and I gave away 600 drawings in 10 days to people
away 600 drawings in 10 days to people
away 600 drawings in 10 days to people in the carriages to people at
in the carriages to people at
in the carriages to people at universities and hospitals who are
universities and hospitals who are
universities and hospitals who are studying psychology looking at mental
studying psychology looking at mental
studying psychology looking at mental health trying to think of different ways
health trying to think of different ways
health trying to think of different ways to access recovery routes for people
to access recovery routes for people
to access recovery routes for people living with conditions such as mine skin
living with conditions such as mine skin
living with conditions such as mine skin picking gets very little press many
picking gets very little press many
picking gets very little press many people suffer
people suffer
people suffer I meet people every single day on the
I meet people every single day on the
I meet people every single day on the train and on the tube
train and on the tube
train and on the tube who say that I have that
who say that I have that
who say that I have that that moment of connection might change
that moment of connection might change
that moment of connection might change their life and in many cases it does I
their life and in many cases it does I
their life and in many cases it does I get emails through my website or people
get emails through my website or people
get emails through my website or people contacting me on Twitter thanking me for
contacting me on Twitter thanking me for
contacting me on Twitter thanking me for speaking out about the disorder I’m up
speaking out about the disorder I’m up
speaking out about the disorder I’m up to 15,000 free drawings that’s 15,000
to 15,000 free drawings that’s 15,000
to 15,000 free drawings that’s 15,000 conversations and 15,000 individuals but
conversations and 15,000 individuals but
conversations and 15,000 individuals but many more that have received the
many more that have received the
many more that have received the postcard or been in the carriage acts of
postcard or been in the carriage acts of
postcard or been in the carriage acts of kindness becomes something much bigger
kindness becomes something much bigger
kindness becomes something much bigger for me and for them it’s been picked up
for me and for them it’s been picked up
for me and for them it’s been picked up by the press and for me that’s another
by the press and for me that’s another
by the press and for me that’s another moment to talk publicly about this
moment to talk publicly about this
moment to talk publicly about this disorder to think that I couldn’t even
disorder to think that I couldn’t even
disorder to think that I couldn’t even wear a short sleeve top like I am today
wear a short sleeve top like I am today
wear a short sleeve top like I am today 15 years ago that moment of recovery
15 years ago that moment of recovery
15 years ago that moment of recovery becomes a much bigger message that if
becomes a much bigger message that if
becomes a much bigger message that if you are suffering ways of getting better
you are suffering ways of getting better
you are suffering ways of getting better are possible and they’re not always the
are possible and they’re not always the
are possible and they’re not always the route that takes you through medication
route that takes you through medication
route that takes you through medication and I speak out every time I get asked
and I speak out every time I get asked
and I speak out every time I get asked so today is no different
so today is no different
so today is no different it’s terrifying to stand up and talk
it’s terrifying to stand up and talk
it’s terrifying to stand up and talk about this disorder every time because
about this disorder every time because
about this disorder every time because it exposes something that I’ve lived
it exposes something that I’ve lived
it exposes something that I’ve lived with and struggled with but I don’t know
with and struggled with but I don’t know
with and struggled with but I don’t know who in this audience or who watching may
who in this audience or who watching may
who in this audience or who watching may need to know it they’re not alone and
need to know it they’re not alone and
need to know it they’re not alone and this disorder doesn’t need to completely
this disorder doesn’t need to completely
this disorder doesn’t need to completely stop your life it’s not a cure but for
stop your life it’s not a cure but for
stop your life it’s not a cure but for me I’m in collaboration with this
me I’m in collaboration with this
me I’m in collaboration with this disorder this is my performance
disorder this is my performance
disorder this is my performance collaboration every single day if I am
collaboration every single day if I am
collaboration every single day if I am never cured I’d rather have a
never cured I’d rather have a
never cured I’d rather have a comfortable life with this disorder and
comfortable life with this disorder and
comfortable life with this disorder and this image is the last one I want to
this image is the last one I want to
this image is the last one I want to show you this is the image of my fingers
show you this is the image of my fingers
show you this is the image of my fingers drawing quite obviously it’s also the
drawing quite obviously it’s also the
drawing quite obviously it’s also the position my fingers used to pick my body
position my fingers used to pick my body
position my fingers used to pick my body in that pinched tight position is so
in that pinched tight position is so
in that pinched tight position is so familiar to my body
familiar to my body
familiar to my body but every time I’m drawing it’s a
but every time I’m drawing it’s a
but every time I’m drawing it’s a mindful gentle calm act and it
mindful gentle calm act and it
mindful gentle calm act and it reimagines that disorder into something
reimagines that disorder into something
reimagines that disorder into something positive for me and for others
positive for me and for others
positive for me and for others thank you
”
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