Ana Cardoso: We have the shared custody of our two daughters.
Each day, one takes to school, the other takes a shower.
At the end of the week,
or, if Mark needs to travel, I’ll stay with the girls.
Marcos Piangers: We have shared custody,
But we’re married.
We’ve been married for 14 years, which is not easy.
In those 14 years, in some moments, there was an imbalance.
I played with the girls, I bathed the girls,
I even changed the girls’ diapers,
but I worked and I did not understand why I got home
and my wife was so stressed, why she complained!
After all, raising children is so easy!
AC: For a while it was like this:
I would wake up, nurse, make coffee, change diapers,
prepare the school lunch, wash the uniforms
and in the interval between one task and another,
between storing a toy and storing a closet,
I would do an interview, answer an e-mail,
filled out a report,
because I’ve never stopped working.
And then, obviously, I was super tired.
I was there, filling out a spreadsheet, I heard a song
and I thought, “Man, what music is this? Ah, the washing machine!”,
that only I listened! Funny, right?
Four people at home and only I listened to that little song
warning that it was time to hang up.
And obviously during the day I was very tired,
very stressed out.
Then, at night, our eldest daughter would say:
“Mom, let’s play?”
And I thought, “Guys, everything I wanted the most
was to take a shower and sleep,
preferably without talking to anyone else. “
But, right, a mother’s day is long.
At the end of the day, I whistled my cell phone … husband:
“I have a meeting, I’m going to work late.
Then, let’s have a beer with somebody, I do not know where.
I do not know what time I come back. “
MP: And then, I would come home and say:
“Ana, let’s have more son! It’s so cool to have a son!
Let’s have ten children! “
(Laughs)
AC: Why are not you pregnant, right?
Because it is not the man whose professional life is impaired.
It is not the man who loses hair when he nurses,
which becomes pregnant during pregnancy.
Man, it’s very different, right?
What is a woman with two children in the job market, people?
You’ll miss when your son gets sick,
every time you have a meeting at six in the afternoon, you’re going to panic …
Already the man, no, right? The woman is a troublemaker. The man, no.
The man is a responsible citizen.
MP: And I confess that I eventually used a dossier
that men use a lot when they are working
and the woman is taking care of the baby, which is to say,
“I wish I could stay at home taking care of my daughters,
while you held the house!
I’m in the office, paying our family bills! “,
What a lie, bro!
When the man says that, he’s lying!
I lied, I was not working for the family.
I was working for myself, for my professional achievement.
I have a lot of friend who has son
and they’re there, working until 9:00 p.m., bro!
I say, “Your son is just born, brother! Go home and take care of your son!”
And they: “No, I have to send an email, I have to work.”
Lie! It’s on Facebook, bro!
What he’s doing is running away from that bullshit,
which are those first days, those first months,
those complicated months.
He’s passing the ball, pushing his wife,
that end of the day in which to give food, to shower, to put to sleep
It’s tiring, it’s challenging,
and our comfort is to stay in the office!
Do you understand?
That is why, often, your husband, when he is born son,
goes to the office, worries about money:
“I have to work harder to buy a bigger apartment for our son,
to pay for a nursery, a better school. “
It’s his comfort place.
That’s why your husband, when a baby is born,
go to the bathroom, pretend you have a stomach ache
and stays 30 minutes in the bathroom. Does not that roll with you?
The guy’s standing there pretending he’s pooping, but he’s not real, bro!
He’s running away from that bullshit thing that’s going on outside with the baby.
AC: And the logical people who want to run away many times.
Do you think every mother would not want to go to a congress in Salvador,
to return from there a month and say: “Oh, I miss you!
Heck, how did these little things grow! “?
Guys, whoever’s in the office is often off duty.
and when he comes home super happy, after a beer with friends,
speaking that he wants to have ten children …
It is revolting!
MP: I miss incentives.
I miss incentives and social signals
for men to understand their role in the family.
I find it very strange not to have a changing room in the men’s room, right?
Suddenly the guy does not even wear it, but he puts a cloth in the men’s bathroom
to show the men: “O man, this is your trick too!
You also made this stop. “
I find it very strange
that all my daughters’ dolls do not say, “Dad.”
Their dolls say, “Mom, give me a hug.”
“Mom, change my diaper.” “Mommy, I’m cold!”
No doll says, “Daddy!”
One more message:
“Man does not have to do this. Man pays the bill, woman takes care of the house.”
And, for me, the worst of all: paternity leave … five days.
Can you do anything on a five-day paternity leave? Gives?
Leaving your wife with postpartum depression at home
and you get stuck in the office working?
Again, reinforcing the idea that you are a payer of accounts,
reinforcing the idea that you are merely a guy who needs to work
while the woman takes care of the children,
a very wrong idea.
I argue that paternity leave should be the same,
six months for two.
Parental leave, not paternity and maternity,
as it is in some developed countries,
because then you’re talking to the guy: “You participate too!”
I say this to my friends and they say, “No, Piangers, you’re crazy!
If I fight over it, my boss will think I do not want to work,
that I had a son just not to work “.
I tell them, “So that’s exactly what your wife is going through.
every time she gets pregnant, does not she? “
AC: How many companies … I’ve heard from the mouths of my friends:
“Oh, I’m not going to hire women because a woman becomes pregnant.”
It seems that we have a son to spend four months at home “resting”.
Guys, son is not rest! Tell another one!
And so we’re getting full of guilt, right?
Then you’re a mother and you feel guilty.
because he did not return immediately to work,
or else she feels guilty because she did not breast-feed until she was 18,
or could not get a natural birth, or get rid of that belly …
Being a woman is not easy.
We are charged all the time to be thin, beautiful, gentle, elegant,
intelligent without being aggressive, sexy without being vulgar,
ambitious without being greedy …
And when we are mothers, multiply by a thousand:
we have to be superb, it has to be an example,
loving, patient.
We have to look at the agenda every day,
make healthy snacks
and always ready to have sex.
If we complain, what are we?
“Wow, you have TPM!”
(Laughs)
MP: Once we were arguing
and then, I was not agreeing with what she was talking about,
and I said, “Ana, I think you’re a little crazy!”
My little daughter looked at me and said, “Dad, this is ‘gaslighting’!”
(Laughs)
AC: Gaslighting is when man
disqualifies the woman’s feelings in an argument,
and then it is impossible to talk
because man is the “is,” and the woman, the “crazy.”
MP: But you’re TPM. AC: Ahhhhh ….
(Laughs)
AC: At what time the men received this guarantee
to disqualify our feelings,
stop people when we’re talking,
or explain the obvious as if we did not know?
Well, it was for these and other issues that we opted for, as the only way out,
having the shared custody of our daughters,
because I understand that I am not 100% responsible for everything.
I need to share this with whoever helped me do it.
MP: And some people say, “Oh, my husband helps me,” right?
And it’s not helping, it’s splitting, right?
But even the term “divide” is a bit complicated
because how will we know, 50%, 50%?
What do I do? I change half the diapers? Do I take half the time?
Actually, math is not that.
The math is: 100%, 100%.
If you are giving less than you could give
for your family, for your child, for the creation,
to be in fact in your house, being a transforming agent,
You’re falling short of what you could be.
AC: So I have a message very quickly for women.
Women, stop blaming yourself for everything.
Leave the father, the mother-in-law, the father-in-law, the teacher
participate in education and share the affection in the creation of your child.
The more people participate and share affection, tasks, education,
the happiest and most autonomous will be your son
and, of breaking, you will also be happier,
more quiet, more fulfilled,
She’ll have time to go out with her friends once in a while.
MP: And, men, do not miss this chance.
When you have a child, you have the chance to deconstruct yourself,
to be more sensitive, to be more attentive,
to learn all the time with that little one who is on your side,
and not get stuck in the office
thinking that you are just a payer of accounts.
You are no less a man if you help at home,
you are no less a man if you take care of your child.
You are more man
when you prepare a child who understands that you should participate
and that it should grow and perhaps form a family
and in this family have the shared custody of the children,
whether in or out of wedlock.
Thank you very much. AC: Thank you very much.
(Applause) (Live)
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