so about a year ago I became a father and I thought I knew more or less how
and I thought I knew more or less how
and I thought I knew more or less how that was going to happen a few weeks
that was going to happen a few weeks
that was going to happen a few weeks before the due date my wife and I went
before the due date my wife and I went
before the due date my wife and I went to one of those soon-to-be parents
to one of those soon-to-be parents
to one of those soon-to-be parents classes at the hospital where they tell
classes at the hospital where they tell
classes at the hospital where they tell you what to expect in some detail there
you what to expect in some detail there
you what to expect in some detail there were 11 people in the room when we
were 11 people in the room when we
were 11 people in the room when we arrived five other couples and one woman
arrived five other couples and one woman
arrived five other couples and one woman by herself that long woman looked at us
by herself that long woman looked at us
by herself that long woman looked at us noticed the wheelchair and became
noticed the wheelchair and became
noticed the wheelchair and became extremely relieved she was no longer the
extremely relieved she was no longer the
extremely relieved she was no longer the most unusual person in the room we were
most unusual person in the room we were
most unusual person in the room we were all very anxious and for the next few
all very anxious and for the next few
all very anxious and for the next few hours they walked us through the
hours they walked us through the
hours they walked us through the birthing process in some detail they
birthing process in some detail they
birthing process in some detail they showed us the room we were going to be
showed us the room we were going to be
showed us the room we were going to be in with the double bed and the pool and
in with the double bed and the pool and
in with the double bed and the pool and the big rubber ball they showed us a
the big rubber ball they showed us a
the big rubber ball they showed us a model of a pelvis and a very realistic
model of a pelvis and a very realistic
model of a pelvis and a very realistic looking baby doll and by the end of it
looking baby doll and by the end of it
looking baby doll and by the end of it we thought okay well now now we know
we thought okay well now now we know
we thought okay well now now we know what to expect so
our son was born a week after his due
our son was born a week after his due date that was the longest week of our
date that was the longest week of our
date that was the longest week of our lives everything became unreal once we’d
lives everything became unreal once we’d
lives everything became unreal once we’d passed the due dates everything seemed
passed the due dates everything seemed
passed the due dates everything seemed very strange it seemed like the
very strange it seemed like the
very strange it seemed like the pregnancy wasn’t real that we weren’t
pregnancy wasn’t real that we weren’t
pregnancy wasn’t real that we weren’t going to have a baby but of course we
going to have a baby but of course we
going to have a baby but of course we did and of course what happened during
did and of course what happened during
did and of course what happened during the birth was nothing like what we
the birth was nothing like what we
the birth was nothing like what we expected we thought we knew something
expected we thought we knew something
expected we thought we knew something but we knew nothing still on the 5th of
but we knew nothing still on the 5th of
but we knew nothing still on the 5th of May 2016 we were back home we were in
May 2016 we were back home we were in
May 2016 we were back home we were in our apartment we had our baby with us
our apartment we had our baby with us
our apartment we had our baby with us and he was perfect
and he was perfect
and he was perfect or was he we were first-time parents so
or was he we were first-time parents so
or was he we were first-time parents so we panicked we didn’t plan to but we did
we panicked we didn’t plan to but we did
we panicked we didn’t plan to but we did regularly several times a day it’s the
regularly several times a day it’s the
regularly several times a day it’s the baby breathing it’s the baby feeding
baby breathing it’s the baby feeding
baby breathing it’s the baby feeding properly is the baby crying because it’s
properly is the baby crying because it’s
properly is the baby crying because it’s in pain should we be doing something
in pain should we be doing something
in pain should we be doing something we’re not doing those questions seemed
we’re not doing those questions seemed
we’re not doing those questions seemed very reasonable to us during the first
very reasonable to us during the first
very reasonable to us during the first few weeks and of course in a way they
few weeks and of course in a way they
few weeks and of course in a way they they were reasonable they’re the kind of
they were reasonable they’re the kind of
they were reasonable they’re the kind of questions that help keep babies alive
questions that help keep babies alive
questions that help keep babies alive and the baby kept being alive and loud
and the baby kept being alive and loud
and the baby kept being alive and loud but we kept asking questions of course
but we kept asking questions of course
but we kept asking questions of course there were more experienced people we
there were more experienced people we
there were more experienced people we could ask more experienced parents but
could ask more experienced parents but
could ask more experienced parents but they didn’t have our baby so we looked
they didn’t have our baby so we looked
they didn’t have our baby so we looked everywhere for for answers
everywhere for for answers
everywhere for for answers this included the internet yeah that
this included the internet yeah that
this included the internet yeah that that is not always a good idea
that is not always a good idea
that is not always a good idea here’s the thing the Internet may not
here’s the thing the Internet may not
here’s the thing the Internet may not have the right answers but it does have
have the right answers but it does have
have the right answers but it does have a lot of them and the Internet is very
a lot of them and the Internet is very
a lot of them and the Internet is very sure of itself it does not hesitate
sure of itself it does not hesitate
sure of itself it does not hesitate there are apps for instance that that
there are apps for instance that that
there are apps for instance that that have been downloaded millions of times
have been downloaded millions of times
have been downloaded millions of times because they can tell you exactly what’s
because they can tell you exactly what’s
because they can tell you exactly what’s wrong with your baby they can tell you
wrong with your baby they can tell you
wrong with your baby they can tell you that your baby is now crying because he
that your baby is now crying because he
that your baby is now crying because he is in the middle of his second
is in the middle of his second
is in the middle of his second developmental leap and it’s going to be
developmental leap and it’s going to be
developmental leap and it’s going to be another five days until he comes down
another five days until he comes down
another five days until he comes down there are even little icons showing
there are even little icons showing
there are even little icons showing stormy weather and sunny weather so
stormy weather and sunny weather so
stormy weather and sunny weather so you’ll know what to look for when the
you’ll know what to look for when the
you’ll know what to look for when the weather is going to change but what if
weather is going to change but what if
weather is going to change but what if the weather doesn’t change well then
the weather doesn’t change well then
the weather doesn’t change well then there are two options either there is
there are two options either there is
there are two options either there is something wrong with the app or there’s
something wrong with the app or there’s
something wrong with the app or there’s something wrong with the baby and this
something wrong with the baby and this
something wrong with the baby and this is what the insanity of
is what the insanity of
is what the insanity of early Parenthood is like in a certain
early Parenthood is like in a certain
early Parenthood is like in a certain sleep-deprived state of mind it is
sleep-deprived state of mind it is
sleep-deprived state of mind it is easier to believe that there is
easier to believe that there is
easier to believe that there is something wrong with the baby and with
something wrong with the baby and with
something wrong with the baby and with yourself than with the app because the
yourself than with the app because the
yourself than with the app because the app does not question itself the app
app does not question itself the app
app does not question itself the app does not have moments of doubt the app
does not have moments of doubt the app
does not have moments of doubt the app just has its little sunny icon so the
just has its little sunny icon so the
just has its little sunny icon so the clearly the baby must be crying for no
clearly the baby must be crying for no
clearly the baby must be crying for no reason at all and also you’re a horrible
reason at all and also you’re a horrible
reason at all and also you’re a horrible parent this went on for some time
parent this went on for some time
parent this went on for some time sometimes the baby was happy sometimes
sometimes the baby was happy sometimes
sometimes the baby was happy sometimes the baby was unhappy and as far as my
the baby was unhappy and as far as my
the baby was unhappy and as far as my wife and I could tell there was no
wife and I could tell there was no
wife and I could tell there was no correlation at all between the icons on
correlation at all between the icons on
correlation at all between the icons on the app and the babies actual moods but
the app and the babies actual moods but
the app and the babies actual moods but he was feeding and he was growing and
he was feeding and he was growing and
he was feeding and he was growing and most importantly he was still alive
slowly we became used to our new life
slowly we became used to our new life slowly we began to regain our minds and
slowly we began to regain our minds and
slowly we began to regain our minds and having regained my mind I remembered
having regained my mind I remembered
having regained my mind I remembered something I’m an academic it’s part of
something I’m an academic it’s part of
something I’m an academic it’s part of my job to be critical and when presented
my job to be critical and when presented
my job to be critical and when presented with new information I always ask a few
with new information I always ask a few
with new information I always ask a few questions like how do we know this
questions like how do we know this
questions like how do we know this what’s the source of this information
what’s the source of this information
what’s the source of this information so I put those questions to the app and
so I put those questions to the app and
so I put those questions to the app and that’s where things got interesting it
that’s where things got interesting it
that’s where things got interesting it presented me with a very scientific
presented me with a very scientific
presented me with a very scientific looking surface solid developmental
looking surface solid developmental
looking surface solid developmental psychology distinct developmental stages
psychology distinct developmental stages
psychology distinct developmental stages and and so on but when I looked at the
and and so on but when I looked at the
and and so on but when I looked at the studies that have been carried out the
studies that have been carried out the
studies that have been carried out the the actual studies it turned out that
the actual studies it turned out that
the actual studies it turned out that they had been done on very small sets of
they had been done on very small sets of
they had been done on very small sets of babies sometimes not human babies
some of the earliest studies were
some of the earliest studies were carried out on baby chimpanzees this was
carried out on baby chimpanzees this was
carried out on baby chimpanzees this was good to know there was another fact
good to know there was another fact
good to know there was another fact about the app which was even more
about the app which was even more
about the app which was even more obvious it was just that we had been too
obvious it was just that we had been too
obvious it was just that we had been too sleep-deprived to notice all of the
sleep-deprived to notice all of the
sleep-deprived to notice all of the predicted developmental stages all of
predicted developmental stages all of
predicted developmental stages all of the stormy periods and sunny periods
the stormy periods and sunny periods
the stormy periods and sunny periods were laid out based on one source of
were laid out based on one source of
were laid out based on one source of information which was the baby’s due
information which was the baby’s due
information which was the baby’s due date one single data point so we had to
date one single data point so we had to
date one single data point so we had to ask ourselves who knows the baby best
ask ourselves who knows the baby best
ask ourselves who knows the baby best this this app which knows one single
this this app which knows one single
this this app which knows one single thing about him and a few more things
thing about him and a few more things
thing about him and a few more things about baby chimpanzees or or us his his
about baby chimpanzees or or us his his
about baby chimpanzees or or us his his parents who have spent 24 hours a day
parents who have spent 24 hours a day
parents who have spent 24 hours a day with him since he was born we asked
with him since he was born we asked
with him since he was born we asked ourselves that question and then we
ourselves that question and then we
ourselves that question and then we deleted the app we like to monitor
deleted the app we like to monitor
deleted the app we like to monitor ourselves just not we like to monitor
ourselves just not we like to monitor
ourselves just not we like to monitor our babies we use our Fit beds and
our babies we use our Fit beds and
our babies we use our Fit beds and phones and tracking sites to monitor our
phones and tracking sites to monitor our
phones and tracking sites to monitor our financial behavior and our browsing
financial behavior and our browsing
financial behavior and our browsing habits and perhaps most importantly our
habits and perhaps most importantly our
habits and perhaps most importantly our health and I’m as fascinated by the
health and I’m as fascinated by the
health and I’m as fascinated by the opportunities we have as anyone I’ve
opportunities we have as anyone I’ve
opportunities we have as anyone I’ve downloaded an app for instance which
downloaded an app for instance which
downloaded an app for instance which uses the accelerometer on my phone to
uses the accelerometer on my phone to
uses the accelerometer on my phone to count the number of steps I take per day
count the number of steps I take per day
count the number of steps I take per day as it turns out it’s it’s fewer than
as it turns out it’s it’s fewer than
as it turns out it’s it’s fewer than that things I should take
that things I should take
well I do walk as it happens just not
well I do walk as it happens just not that much the recommended number of
that much the recommended number of
that much the recommended number of steps per day is 10,000 and I average
steps per day is 10,000 and I average
steps per day is 10,000 and I average about 2,000 well after the baby was born
about 2,000 well after the baby was born
about 2,000 well after the baby was born I walked back and forth quite a bit and
I walked back and forth quite a bit and
I walked back and forth quite a bit and bringing my wife food and snacks and
bringing my wife food and snacks and
bringing my wife food and snacks and water while she was breastfeeding taking
water while she was breastfeeding taking
water while she was breastfeeding taking out the garbage doing the laundry doing
out the garbage doing the laundry doing
out the garbage doing the laundry doing pretty much everything I could do to
pretty much everything I could do to
pretty much everything I could do to help while she did the thing that only
help while she did the thing that only
help while she did the thing that only she could do so make it three thousand
she could do so make it three thousand
she could do so make it three thousand steps a day although I didn’t have time
steps a day although I didn’t have time
steps a day although I didn’t have time to count them and after about six months
to count them and after about six months
to count them and after about six months of this I’d lost ten pounds so in my
of this I’d lost ten pounds so in my
of this I’d lost ten pounds so in my case it seems like three thousand steps
case it seems like three thousand steps
case it seems like three thousand steps was quite a lot now I can hear the app
was quite a lot now I can hear the app
was quite a lot now I can hear the app developer giving the only logical
developer giving the only logical
developer giving the only logical response which is that we did not build
response which is that we did not build
response which is that we did not build this for wheelchair users who can walk a
this for wheelchair users who can walk a
this for wheelchair users who can walk a little and that’s a fair point I’m not
little and that’s a fair point I’m not
little and that’s a fair point I’m not the average user and if average means
the average user and if average means
the average user and if average means the same thing is normal and I’m not
the same thing is normal and I’m not
the same thing is normal and I’m not normal either but how many of us are
normal either but how many of us are
normal either but how many of us are really the the health apps to tracking
really the the health apps to tracking
really the the health apps to tracking sites they present us with a very
sites they present us with a very
sites they present us with a very confident surface and they don’t often
confident surface and they don’t often
confident surface and they don’t often let us look under the hood so in using
let us look under the hood so in using
let us look under the hood so in using them we surrender some of our judgments
them we surrender some of our judgments
them we surrender some of our judgments we do this for the best possible
we do this for the best possible
we do this for the best possible recently we want to be better we want to
recently we want to be better we want to
recently we want to be better we want to be perfect versions of ourselves but the
be perfect versions of ourselves but the
be perfect versions of ourselves but the question I keep returning to is do these
question I keep returning to is do these
question I keep returning to is do these tools help us become perfect versions of
tools help us become perfect versions of
tools help us become perfect versions of ourselves or of somebody else
ourselves or of somebody else
ourselves or of somebody else the perfect baby has perfectly
the perfect baby has perfectly
the perfect baby has perfectly predictable stormy spells and sunny
predictable stormy spells and sunny
predictable stormy spells and sunny spells the perfect baby has perfectly
spells the perfect baby has perfectly
spells the perfect baby has perfectly predictable developmental stages the
predictable developmental stages the
predictable developmental stages the perfect baby also doesn’t exist Leo
perfect baby also doesn’t exist Leo
perfect baby also doesn’t exist Leo Tolstoy wrote in omekata Anna that all
Tolstoy wrote in omekata Anna that all
Tolstoy wrote in omekata Anna that all unhappy families are unhappy in their
unhappy families are unhappy in their
unhappy families are unhappy in their own way and I think we can go a bit
own way and I think we can go a bit
own way and I think we can go a bit further than that every actually
further than that every actually
further than that every actually existing baby is a baby in its own way
for years now I’ve worked in an academic
for years now I’ve worked in an academic field called disability studies and
field called disability studies and
field called disability studies and disability studies began as the study of
disability studies began as the study of
disability studies began as the study of people who were different from others in
people who were different from others in
people who were different from others in their bodies in their minds but over
their bodies in their minds but over
their bodies in their minds but over time disability scholars became more
time disability scholars became more
time disability scholars became more interested in the reasons why people are
interested in the reasons why people are
interested in the reasons why people are seen as being very different from others
seen as being very different from others
seen as being very different from others why is it for instance that we attach so
why is it for instance that we attach so
why is it for instance that we attach so much more importance to having an extra
much more importance to having an extra
much more importance to having an extra finger or missing a finger than we do to
finger or missing a finger than we do to
finger or missing a finger than we do to variations in eye color well one answer
variations in eye color well one answer
variations in eye color well one answer has to do with how gloves are made it’s
has to do with how gloves are made it’s
has to do with how gloves are made it’s not that easy to find gloves
not that easy to find gloves
not that easy to find gloves for hands with six fingers for the same
for hands with six fingers for the same
for hands with six fingers for the same reason that they don’t make step
reason that they don’t make step
reason that they don’t make step counting apps for wheelchair users who
counting apps for wheelchair users who
counting apps for wheelchair users who can walk a little disability studies
can walk a little disability studies
can walk a little disability studies also questions the ideals that would
also questions the ideals that would
also questions the ideals that would make for ourselves for our bodies and
make for ourselves for our bodies and
make for ourselves for our bodies and for our minds we all want to be better
for our minds we all want to be better
for our minds we all want to be better healthier more productively we want to
healthier more productively we want to
healthier more productively we want to be perfect but real perfection lies
be perfect but real perfection lies
be perfect but real perfection lies beyond us we remain mortal we have a
beyond us we remain mortal we have a
beyond us we remain mortal we have a limited amount of time on this planet
limited amount of time on this planet
limited amount of time on this planet that makes it important to choose our
that makes it important to choose our
that makes it important to choose our goals carefully to not surrender our
goals carefully to not surrender our
goals carefully to not surrender our judgments because there are some goals
judgments because there are some goals
judgments because there are some goals that we shouldn’t try to reach in my
that we shouldn’t try to reach in my
that we shouldn’t try to reach in my case I couldn’t walk 10,000 steps every
case I couldn’t walk 10,000 steps every
case I couldn’t walk 10,000 steps every day I could manage it possibly for a day
day I could manage it possibly for a day
day I could manage it possibly for a day or two but I would damage myself in the
or two but I would damage myself in the
or two but I would damage myself in the process because my equilibrium lies at a
process because my equilibrium lies at a
process because my equilibrium lies at a different level
my son didn’t follow his developmental
my son didn’t follow his developmental stages exactly as the app had predicted
stages exactly as the app had predicted
stages exactly as the app had predicted but he’s a little over a year now and
but he’s a little over a year now and
but he’s a little over a year now and he’s helping and he’s happy except when
he’s helping and he’s happy except when
he’s helping and he’s happy except when he isn’t
during our first year as parents that
during our first year as parents that there were a lot of things that my wife
there were a lot of things that my wife
there were a lot of things that my wife and I didn’t do we didn’t stick to
and I didn’t do we didn’t stick to
and I didn’t do we didn’t stick to strict snapping schedules we didn’t
strict snapping schedules we didn’t
strict snapping schedules we didn’t stick to strict feeding schedules during
stick to strict feeding schedules during
stick to strict feeding schedules during those first most vulnerable months we
those first most vulnerable months we
those first most vulnerable months we didn’t try to Train our baby we didn’t
didn’t try to Train our baby we didn’t
didn’t try to Train our baby we didn’t try to build a better baby we tried to
try to build a better baby we tried to
try to build a better baby we tried to get to know the one we had II may not be
get to know the one we had II may not be
get to know the one we had II may not be perfect we may not even be perfectly
perfect we may not even be perfectly
perfect we may not even be perfectly normal but he is himself and that is
normal but he is himself and that is
normal but he is himself and that is more than enough thank
”
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