when I was a kid my best friend was a boy I was born in January and he was
boy I was born in January and he was
boy I was born in January and he was born in April as this our parents for
born in April as this our parents for
born in April as this our parents for close friends we spent a lot of time
close friends we spent a lot of time
close friends we spent a lot of time together even as babies over the years
together even as babies over the years
together even as babies over the years we shared a ton of wonderful experiences
we shared a ton of wonderful experiences
we shared a ton of wonderful experiences and some scary adventures too we
and some scary adventures too we
and some scary adventures too we explored the forests and build tree
explored the forests and build tree
explored the forests and build tree houses that we decorated meticulously
houses that we decorated meticulously
houses that we decorated meticulously with pinecones and grass and flowers and
with pinecones and grass and flowers and
with pinecones and grass and flowers and then we’d have to have sleepovers
then we’d have to have sleepovers
then we’d have to have sleepovers because we’d be so tired after working
because we’d be so tired after working
because we’d be so tired after working on the creations we go through our
on the creations we go through our
on the creations we go through our parents closets and put on their fancy
parents closets and put on their fancy
parents closets and put on their fancy clothes and secretly take our bikes to
clothes and secretly take our bikes to
clothes and secretly take our bikes to the lake not the leggings very ted our
the lake not the leggings very ted our
the lake not the leggings very ted our friendship was the best and most natural
friendship was the best and most natural
friendship was the best and most natural thing i knew but when we tuned 12
thing i knew but when we tuned 12
thing i knew but when we tuned 12 something shifted other kids started to
something shifted other kids started to
something shifted other kids started to tease us boys in particular and even
tease us boys in particular and even
tease us boys in particular and even though i was a daring girl independent
though i was a daring girl independent
though i was a daring girl independent and good at sports i also loved to draw
and good at sports i also loved to draw
and good at sports i also loved to draw did ballet and wrote poetry and those
did ballet and wrote poetry and those
did ballet and wrote poetry and those are not things that really reflected
are not things that really reflected
are not things that really reflected well or my friend see what was
well or my friend see what was
well or my friend see what was considered boyish in masculine like
considered boyish in masculine like
considered boyish in masculine like playing soccer and doing woodwork we’re
playing soccer and doing woodwork we’re
playing soccer and doing woodwork we’re still okay for me as a girl but the more
still okay for me as a girl but the more
still okay for me as a girl but the more girly feminine activities like making
girly feminine activities like making
girly feminine activities like making pretty things to a treehouse were
pretty things to a treehouse were
pretty things to a treehouse were perceived less suitable for my friend a
perceived less suitable for my friend a
perceived less suitable for my friend a boy and as the gender expectations
boy and as the gender expectations
boy and as the gender expectations expanded deeper into our lives they
expanded deeper into our lives they
expanded deeper into our lives they chipped away the intimacy of our
chipped away the intimacy of our
chipped away the intimacy of our friendship
other kids were not the only ones that
other kids were not the only ones that teased this though in fact adults
teased this though in fact adults
teased this though in fact adults started labeling us much much earlier
started labeling us much much earlier
started labeling us much much earlier they called us lovebirds and winked an
they called us lovebirds and winked an
they called us lovebirds and winked an eye and predicted we were going to get
eye and predicted we were going to get
eye and predicted we were going to get married
married
married and I hated it
and I hated it
and I hated it because they didn’t know what we shared
because they didn’t know what we shared
because they didn’t know what we shared they didn’t know we secretly cycled to
they didn’t know we secretly cycled to
they didn’t know we secretly cycled to the lake either so what did they know
the lake either so what did they know
the lake either so what did they know about our connection I didn’t understand
about our connection I didn’t understand
about our connection I didn’t understand why people wanted to belittle what we
why people wanted to belittle what we
why people wanted to belittle what we had as a love story because when I
had as a love story because when I
had as a love story because when I looked around I saw couples breakup or
looked around I saw couples breakup or
looked around I saw couples breakup or divorce
divorce
divorce I saw couples fight and hurt each other
I saw couples fight and hurt each other
I saw couples fight and hurt each other in the name of romantic love and that
in the name of romantic love and that
in the name of romantic love and that really didn’t compare with the intimacy
really didn’t compare with the intimacy
really didn’t compare with the intimacy and goodwill that I experienced in my
and goodwill that I experienced in my
and goodwill that I experienced in my friendship well certainly as a child I
friendship well certainly as a child I
friendship well certainly as a child I didn’t know much about seduction and
didn’t know much about seduction and
didn’t know much about seduction and passion or recognize the lawful
passion or recognize the lawful
passion or recognize the lawful commitments of marriage or the
commitments of marriage or the
commitments of marriage or the responsibilities of paying a mortgage
responsibilities of paying a mortgage
responsibilities of paying a mortgage and raising a wild bunch of kids but I
and raising a wild bunch of kids but I
and raising a wild bunch of kids but I did pick up on the assumption that a
did pick up on the assumption that a
did pick up on the assumption that a friendship between a man and a woman was
friendship between a man and a woman was
friendship between a man and a woman was a stepping stone to wedded life its
a stepping stone to wedded life its
a stepping stone to wedded life its subsidiary to a romantic relationship
subsidiary to a romantic relationship
subsidiary to a romantic relationship not something to be celebrated in its
not something to be celebrated in its
not something to be celebrated in its own right but rather the fodder for
own right but rather the fodder for
own right but rather the fodder for gossip and popular culture further
gossip and popular culture further
gossip and popular culture further perpetuates this idea that intimacy
perpetuates this idea that intimacy
perpetuates this idea that intimacy between a man and a woman has sexual
between a man and a woman has sexual
between a man and a woman has sexual tones movies like friends with benefits
tones movies like friends with benefits
tones movies like friends with benefits and no strings attached depict friends
and no strings attached depict friends
and no strings attached depict friends who battle to stay just friends but end
who battle to stay just friends but end
who battle to stay just friends but end up as a couple anyway and I think it’s
up as a couple anyway and I think it’s
up as a couple anyway and I think it’s there’s a lot about the gender
there’s a lot about the gender
there’s a lot about the gender expectations that we hold in our society
expectations that we hold in our society
expectations that we hold in our society that whenever heterosexual men and women
that whenever heterosexual men and women
that whenever heterosexual men and women share a space they cannot resist the
share a space they cannot resist the
share a space they cannot resist the magical chemistry that boils in their
magical chemistry that boils in their
magical chemistry that boils in their brains and veins heading south even the
brains and veins heading south even the
brains and veins heading south even the current vice president of the United
current vice president of the United
current vice president of the United States it’s known to only dine with
States it’s known to only dine with
States it’s known to only dine with women when his wife is present these
women when his wife is present these
women when his wife is present these examples seems to suggest that men and
examples seems to suggest that men and
examples seems to suggest that men and women are more gendered beings than
women are more gendered beings than
women are more gendered beings than human beings and the relational
human beings and the relational
human beings and the relational stereotypes don’t just show up in this
stereotypes don’t just show up in this
stereotypes don’t just show up in this course in action the heterosexual bias
course in action the heterosexual bias
course in action the heterosexual bias also appears in the structures of our
also appears in the structures of our
also appears in the structures of our society this talk takes place in Finland
society this talk takes place in Finland
society this talk takes place in Finland and here if you’re a student the
and here if you’re a student the
and here if you’re a student the government grants you an allowance to
government grants you an allowance to
government grants you an allowance to support your housing and studying
support your housing and studying
support your housing and studying the Nordic progressive welfare system
the Nordic progressive welfare system
the Nordic progressive welfare system aims to promote equality whether you’re
aims to promote equality whether you’re
aims to promote equality whether you’re a man or a woman rich or poor you have
a man or a woman rich or poor you have
a man or a woman rich or poor you have equal opportunity for education however
equal opportunity for education however
equal opportunity for education however the government also has a policy and
the government also has a policy and
the government also has a policy and according to the policy for male
according to the policy for male
according to the policy for male students and a female students share a
students and a female students share a
students and a female students share a flat they’re automatically considered to
flat they’re automatically considered to
flat they’re automatically considered to be a couple and they should support each
be a couple and they should support each
be a couple and they should support each other financially as this the government
other financially as this the government
other financially as this the government doesn’t recognize friends of the
doesn’t recognize friends of the
doesn’t recognize friends of the opposite sex
opposite sex
opposite sex such roommates are expected to support
such roommates are expected to support
such roommates are expected to support each other and are denied student
each other and are denied student
each other and are denied student allowance based on their gender well all
allowance based on their gender well all
allowance based on their gender well all of this fascinated me and I felt that
of this fascinated me and I felt that
of this fascinated me and I felt that intimacy their psychological involvement
intimacy their psychological involvement
intimacy their psychological involvement and it’s expression in friendships was
and it’s expression in friendships was
and it’s expression in friendships was much more available for me as a girl
much more available for me as a girl
much more available for me as a girl than what it seemed to be for boys and
than what it seemed to be for boys and
than what it seemed to be for boys and men the gender expectations particularly
men the gender expectations particularly
men the gender expectations particularly those that concern men like coping on
those that concern men like coping on
those that concern men like coping on one’s own and focusing on actions rather
one’s own and focusing on actions rather
one’s own and focusing on actions rather than words they appear to limit the
than words they appear to limit the
than words they appear to limit the interpersonal options of some men so I
interpersonal options of some men so I
interpersonal options of some men so I became a researcher of interpersonal
became a researcher of interpersonal
became a researcher of interpersonal communication and in my role as a
communication and in my role as a
communication and in my role as a scholar I’ve been investigating men’s
scholar I’ve been investigating men’s
scholar I’ve been investigating men’s social relationships well when you turn
social relationships well when you turn
social relationships well when you turn to research literature on close
to research literature on close
to research literature on close relationships the first thing you notice
relationships the first thing you notice
relationships the first thing you notice is that it’s predominantly on romantic
is that it’s predominantly on romantic
is that it’s predominantly on romantic relationships Studies on friendships are
relationships Studies on friendships are
relationships Studies on friendships are in the minority however however here’s
in the minority however however here’s
in the minority however however here’s what we know friendships are personal
what we know friendships are personal
what we know friendships are personal relationships between two people who
relationships between two people who
relationships between two people who share an emotional bond what’s typical
share an emotional bond what’s typical
share an emotional bond what’s typical for friends is that they have fun
for friends is that they have fun
for friends is that they have fun together but they can also lean on each
together but they can also lean on each
together but they can also lean on each other for comfort dr. Weil Rollins from
other for comfort dr. Weil Rollins from
other for comfort dr. Weil Rollins from Ohio University has distinguished that
Ohio University has distinguished that
Ohio University has distinguished that friendships are voluntary they’re equal
friendships are voluntary they’re equal
friendships are voluntary they’re equal there’s no hierarchy but rather mutual
there’s no hierarchy but rather mutual
there’s no hierarchy but rather mutual involvement and this is true for men and
involvement and this is true for men and
involvement and this is true for men and women still the popular belief says that
women still the popular belief says that
women still the popular belief says that women have better and more meaningful
women have better and more meaningful
women have better and more meaningful friendships than men
friendships than men
friendships than men sois tis true research does affirm that
sois tis true research does affirm that
sois tis true research does affirm that women’s friendships can be very
women’s friendships can be very
women’s friendships can be very expressive and entail a great deal of
expressive and entail a great deal of
expressive and entail a great deal of disclosure self disclosure in particular
disclosure self disclosure in particular
disclosure self disclosure in particular and self disclosure in female
and self disclosure in female
and self disclosure in female friendships means that you tell your
friendships means that you tell your
friendships means that you tell your friend what’s going on in your life how
friend what’s going on in your life how
friend what’s going on in your life how you feel about things and you make
you feel about things and you make
you feel about things and you make yourself vulnerable by sharing the ugly
yourself vulnerable by sharing the ugly
yourself vulnerable by sharing the ugly truths about yourself two studies on
truths about yourself two studies on
truths about yourself two studies on men’s friendships tell us that men tend
men’s friendships tell us that men tend
men’s friendships tell us that men tend to be less self-disclose ‘iv than women
to be less self-disclose ‘iv than women
to be less self-disclose ‘iv than women the argument is that men don’t want to
the argument is that men don’t want to
the argument is that men don’t want to show vulnerability to other men because
show vulnerability to other men because
show vulnerability to other men because their relationships are marked by
their relationships are marked by
their relationships are marked by competition and raising some studies
competition and raising some studies
competition and raising some studies suggest that says men men avoid sharing
suggest that says men men avoid sharing
suggest that says men men avoid sharing the intricacies of their lives they
the intricacies of their lives they
the intricacies of their lives they focus more on activities and communicate
focus more on activities and communicate
focus more on activities and communicate companionship instead the sense of
companionship instead the sense of
companionship instead the sense of loyalty shared interests and reciprocity
loyalty shared interests and reciprocity
loyalty shared interests and reciprocity in assistance like offering to help in a
in assistance like offering to help in a
in assistance like offering to help in a renovation project keep men’s
renovation project keep men’s
renovation project keep men’s friendships thriving well what happens
friendships thriving well what happens
friendships thriving well what happens when you put a man and a woman into a
when you put a man and a woman into a
when you put a man and a woman into a friendship for one women report feeling
friendship for one women report feeling
friendship for one women report feeling a greater release to have fun and
a greater release to have fun and
a greater release to have fun and express another side of themselves
express another side of themselves
express another side of themselves active and playful in their friendships
active and playful in their friendships
active and playful in their friendships with men men on the other hand say that
with men men on the other hand say that
with men men on the other hand say that they enjoy the freedom to have deep
they enjoy the freedom to have deep
they enjoy the freedom to have deep conversations with female friends and
conversations with female friends and
conversations with female friends and experience more intimacy in those
experience more intimacy in those
experience more intimacy in those friendships because they disclose more
friendships because they disclose more
friendships because they disclose more to women than to their male counterparts
there are two things to note here
there are two things to note here one if men report disclosing their cares
one if men report disclosing their cares
one if men report disclosing their cares and worries to female friends then
and worries to female friends then
and worries to female friends then there’s no biological explanation for
there’s no biological explanation for
there’s no biological explanation for why men wouldn’t show vulnerability to
why men wouldn’t show vulnerability to
why men wouldn’t show vulnerability to other men
so now the finger points towards gender
so now the finger points towards gender expectations again what kind of
expectations again what kind of
expectations again what kind of communication is encouraged or
communication is encouraged or
communication is encouraged or discouraged from men and women it’s an
discouraged from men and women it’s an
discouraged from men and women it’s an important question we need to ask
important question we need to ask
important question we need to ask ourselves since we socially construct
ourselves since we socially construct
ourselves since we socially construct and uphold the gender norms by talking
and uphold the gender norms by talking
and uphold the gender norms by talking about boys and girls men and women the
about boys and girls men and women the
about boys and girls men and women the way we do discourse matters too there
way we do discourse matters too there
way we do discourse matters too there are many ways to communicate intimacy in
are many ways to communicate intimacy in
are many ways to communicate intimacy in a friendship we’re used to thinking
a friendship we’re used to thinking
a friendship we’re used to thinking about intimacy as the verbal expressions
about intimacy as the verbal expressions
about intimacy as the verbal expressions of affection and connection but intimacy
of affection and connection but intimacy
of affection and connection but intimacy is highly contextual and by that I mean
is highly contextual and by that I mean
is highly contextual and by that I mean intimacy depends on the friendship
intimacy depends on the friendship
intimacy depends on the friendship communication the way friends talk to
communication the way friends talk to
communication the way friends talk to each other how they recall past
each other how they recall past
each other how they recall past experiences and build trust
experiences and build trust
experiences and build trust what kind of routines and rituals they
what kind of routines and rituals they
what kind of routines and rituals they have how they show availability and
have how they show availability and
have how they show availability and grant each other autonomy it all varies
grant each other autonomy it all varies
grant each other autonomy it all varies according to the individuals who create
according to the individuals who create
according to the individuals who create and maintain that friendship there for
and maintain that friendship there for
and maintain that friendship there for intimacy may be communicated by telling
intimacy may be communicated by telling
intimacy may be communicated by telling your friend how much he means to you
your friend how much he means to you
your friend how much he means to you over a pint of beer or he may be
over a pint of beer or he may be
over a pint of beer or he may be communicated by adding an inside joke
communicated by adding an inside joke
communicated by adding an inside joke under her Instagram post friendships are
under her Instagram post friendships are
under her Instagram post friendships are unique as unique as we are as
unique as unique as we are as
unique as unique as we are as individuals my research on Finnish men’s
individuals my research on Finnish men’s
individuals my research on Finnish men’s friendships confirm that men to have
friendships confirm that men to have
friendships confirm that men to have close relationships with other men and
close relationships with other men and
close relationships with other men and they do provide emotional support to
they do provide emotional support to
they do provide emotional support to each other and the opposite is true to
each other and the opposite is true to
each other and the opposite is true to gender expectations make some men hold
gender expectations make some men hold
gender expectations make some men hold back and avoid self disclosure in their
back and avoid self disclosure in their
back and avoid self disclosure in their same-sex friendships nevertheless those
same-sex friendships nevertheless those
same-sex friendships nevertheless those men who experience the freedom to
men who experience the freedom to
men who experience the freedom to express themselves report having
express themselves report having
express themselves report having intimate conversations with their male
intimate conversations with their male
intimate conversations with their male friends and share their lives openly
friends and share their lives openly
friends and share their lives openly with their male friends
so we should really perceive men and
so we should really perceive men and women as trees of the same forest they
women as trees of the same forest they
women as trees of the same forest they both value talk equally in their
both value talk equally in their
both value talk equally in their friendships and they mark enjoyment of
friendships and they mark enjoyment of
friendships and they mark enjoyment of each other’s company as one of the most
each other’s company as one of the most
each other’s company as one of the most important qualities of friendship the
important qualities of friendship the
important qualities of friendship the truth is that as individuals were all
truth is that as individuals were all
truth is that as individuals were all different and our individual differences
different and our individual differences
different and our individual differences outweigh the gender differences by a
outweigh the gender differences by a
outweigh the gender differences by a mile in other words men and women are
mile in other words men and women are
mile in other words men and women are much more similar than different so
much more similar than different so
much more similar than different so focusing on the differences is like
focusing on the differences is like
focusing on the differences is like zooming in on zebras and claiming that
zooming in on zebras and claiming that
zooming in on zebras and claiming that the animals are either black or white in
the animals are either black or white in
the animals are either black or white in the past decades we’ve seen an increase
the past decades we’ve seen an increase
the past decades we’ve seen an increase in friendships between men and women
in friendships between men and women
in friendships between men and women adolescents and young adults they spend
adolescents and young adults they spend
adolescents and young adults they spend time in mixed groups they accept various
time in mixed groups they accept various
time in mixed groups they accept various gender categories into their social
gender categories into their social
gender categories into their social circle and they’re less constrained by
circle and they’re less constrained by
circle and they’re less constrained by the binary male-female dichotomy
therefore it’s time for us to hit the
therefore it’s time for us to hit the refresh button on our beliefs about
refresh button on our beliefs about
refresh button on our beliefs about friends of the opposite sex
friends of the opposite sex
friends of the opposite sex intimacy is not a gender thing it’s not
intimacy is not a gender thing it’s not
intimacy is not a gender thing it’s not a cultural thing either intimacy is a
a cultural thing either intimacy is a
a cultural thing either intimacy is a human thing we all need connection so I
human thing we all need connection so I
human thing we all need connection so I propose we take the following action
propose we take the following action
propose we take the following action first look within yourself what are the
first look within yourself what are the
first look within yourself what are the gendered ideals you have about
gendered ideals you have about
gendered ideals you have about friendship and why be mindful about the
friendship and why be mindful about the
friendship and why be mindful about the way you describe other people’s
way you describe other people’s
way you describe other people’s friendships because we can truly only
friendships because we can truly only
friendships because we can truly only know about our own let’s respect
know about our own let’s respect
know about our own let’s respect people’s unique attachments and
people’s unique attachments and
people’s unique attachments and celebrate all bonds that make us feel
celebrate all bonds that make us feel
celebrate all bonds that make us feel good second support children in becoming
good second support children in becoming
good second support children in becoming friends and staying friends with kids
friends and staying friends with kids
friends and staying friends with kids that they have fun with and who share
that they have fun with and who share
that they have fun with and who share similar interests those kids may not
similar interests those kids may not
similar interests those kids may not always be your best pick but remember we
always be your best pick but remember we
always be your best pick but remember we cannot choose who other people feel
cannot choose who other people feel
cannot choose who other people feel connected to
connected to
connected to and don’t just advocate for children’s
and don’t just advocate for children’s
and don’t just advocate for children’s friendships when it comes to your
friendships when it comes to your
friendships when it comes to your romantic relationship encourage them to
romantic relationship encourage them to
romantic relationship encourage them to hold on to their personal friendships
hold on to their personal friendships
hold on to their personal friendships because friends are like mirrors we get
because friends are like mirrors we get
because friends are like mirrors we get to see ourselves through the eyes of
to see ourselves through the eyes of
to see ourselves through the eyes of those who accept us and care about us
those who accept us and care about us
those who accept us and care about us and that’s invaluable and while you’re
and that’s invaluable and while you’re
and that’s invaluable and while you’re at it take a closer look at the zebra
at it take a closer look at the zebra
at it take a closer look at the zebra you possibly have at home because what I
you possibly have at home because what I
you possibly have at home because what I think about where I am in my life I have
think about where I am in my life I have
think about where I am in my life I have a wonderful lover but I admit I love my
a wonderful lover but I admit I love my
a wonderful lover but I admit I love my friend more luckily they’re the same
friend more luckily they’re the same
friend more luckily they’re the same person because I don’t love him because
person because I don’t love him because
person because I don’t love him because he’s tall strong or handsome I love him
he’s tall strong or handsome I love him
he’s tall strong or handsome I love him because he’s there for me and I can be
because he’s there for me and I can be
because he’s there for me and I can be there for him and we share good laughs
there for him and we share good laughs
there for him and we share good laughs together and we’re free to walk away
together and we’re free to walk away
together and we’re free to walk away every day and yet we choose to
every day and yet we choose to
every day and yet we choose to experience life together because all
experience life together because all
experience life together because all great relationships require respect the
great relationships require respect the
great relationships require respect the right to autonomy and privacy
right to autonomy and privacy
right to autonomy and privacy expressions of gratitude and continued
expressions of gratitude and continued
expressions of gratitude and continued shelf trust and being worth your word
shelf trust and being worth your word
shelf trust and being worth your word and these are all the fundamentals of
and these are all the fundamentals of
and these are all the fundamentals of friendship your biological sex does not
friendship your biological sex does not
friendship your biological sex does not determine the intimacy you can
determine the intimacy you can
determine the intimacy you can experience in your friendship you and
experience in your friendship you and
experience in your friendship you and your friend determine that you are the
your friend determine that you are the
your friend determine that you are the Carpenters of kindness in your
Carpenters of kindness in your
Carpenters of kindness in your relationship even though my childhood
relationship even though my childhood
relationship even though my childhood friend and I spend less and less time
friend and I spend less and less time
friend and I spend less and less time together as we became teenagers our
together as we became teenagers our
together as we became teenagers our friendship never left our hearts after
friendship never left our hearts after
friendship never left our hearts after travels marriages and children we’re
travels marriages and children we’re
travels marriages and children we’re still as connected as we were in the
still as connected as we were in the
still as connected as we were in the forest decorating the tree house with
forest decorating the tree house with
forest decorating the tree house with pine cones so if you want to build a
pine cones so if you want to build a
pine cones so if you want to build a solid close relationship build it on a
solid close relationship build it on a
solid close relationship build it on a sturdy hook of friendship
”
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