That is a long walk.
I could have practiced that.
To begin with, what an honor, what a privilege to be here,
that I may have this conversation with you.
In the last three years I have been in particular in university locker rooms
to have conversations with boys about the importance of respecting women.
Recently I was invited by a large university
and when they informed me on the way in,
they told me what was going on in their changing rooms.
They told me that there was a player who had beaten the mother of his child;
that there were four other players
who were accused of rape of four different women;
that there were two more players
who had seen and filmed the rape of an unconscious girl;
and knowing all this,
started one of the head coaches the day after the election
sing this song:
“We can grasp girls in the cross because this is America.”
Well, that is not the America I know
and sexual violence is actually only a symptom of the problem.
The problem is the institution, it is how these young men
are programmed to think, talk and treat women.
Before I dive into the whole talk,
maybe I should start with some disclaimers.
First, I go wrong.
I just know that happens.
At some point I lose the thread,
so be kind.
In addition, there are brilliant people
who have devoted their entire lives to this topic
and institutions that do a good job; this is only my modest contribution.
Secondly: ProtectHer is just a starting point for us.
We know that men are also harassed,
one in 16.
We know that the LGBT community is being harassed,
and all those groups absolutely deserve our attention
am I going to talk about ‘her’ for this occasion,
because violence against women is a blazing fire,
and I will express myself in heterosexual stereotypes.
Thirdly, ProtectHer does not imply that women are weak
and that we can not defend ourselves
and that men must come to help us.
ProtectHer is an invitation to all of humanity
to give women and girls more priority.
It is interesting that some schools call me,
because they eventually give
what happens in their changing rooms.
But before I entered the locker rooms, I took it up for girls for ten years.
When I was 19
I started the non-profit organization I AM THAT GIRL.
It is just a free-spirited version of the female scouts.
(Laughter)
There are about a million girls involved
and we have just opened a branch in our 20th country.
So it is – thank you!
Very good!
(Applause)
So I have a name and a face and a story ready,
if someone talks about girls in statistical terms.
And only three years ago Yogi Roth and Trent Dilfer called me
to ask if I wanted to come and talk to athletes from the best 18 schools
in a TV program called ‘Elite Eleven’.
I could not know that a week later, when it was aired on ESPN,
the news of Ray Rice would be known.
So suddenly I was that girl in the locker rooms,
who made firm conversations
with boys about the importance of respect for women.
It helped that I had worked at FOX Sports and ESPN
and that I grew up in Texas, where football is a religion
and that I grew up with four older brothers.
My father is the best man I know;
my husband was a professional athlete for nine years.
It was interesting to be asked suddenly
by top schools across the country,
to be invited to look behind the facades
to get a better idea of what was going on.
Like I said, some schools asked me
because an incident had taken place in their dressing room;
other schools were just rightly concerned.
A coach called me
and said he was worried because he had a daughter,
and that the way these guys talked about women
so disrespectful.
I went there, of course, and I’m sitting there
and halfway through my story –
all in that dressing room, imagine, with one girl –
and halfway through my story
one of those guests raises his hand and says:
“I get it, it’s important to respect girls,
but it’s cool to fuck them. “
You understand that the coach had something like: “You do not!”
(Laughter)
He is there shaking his head
and looks at the ground.
So I look at that guy and say, “According to who?”
There is a silence and he looks around at his mates,
who are just as baffled and just think:
you are kidding me!
So that is a penalty training.
(Laughter)
After a minute of uncomfortable silence
I look up and say: “I do not say that it is not so,
I only state that you are very convinced:
“It’s cool to fuck them”, and I ask: “According to who?”
Finally he looks up at me and says, “I do not know.”
I say: “That is the problem:
you are on an automatic pre-programmed pilot;
you read a lesson;
you use a definition of cool that is not yours
and is just about to pretend you’ve invented it yourself. “
Mother, father, priest, teacher,
I’m not going to tell you how to live,
I only invite you
to have the courage to shape your own life yourself,
to form your own definitions
and to think for yourself.
After the conversation he came to me, grabbed me a little awkwardly
and said, “Thank you.”
I looked at him and asked, “What for?”
He said: “No one ever asked me to think for myself.
Thanks for the invitation.”
I have a thousand stories of that kind of adventures,
as a girl alone in the dressing room.
Stories that would make you laugh or cry,
embarrassing stories and very touching.
But above all, they would give you hope.
I am in the world to give women strength.
I knew that at a very young age,
but only when I was in a room filled with those dominant men
I realized what I was doing wrong: I only spoke to half the group.
Violence against women is not a matter of women,
although we are still such skilled creatures.
Violence against women is a human issue and we need to do something about it together.
The point is that the majority of these guys
the feeling that they have never been listened to.
And because I am not Sinterklaas and can not go to any school –
although I have done my best,
I was on the road for 220 days a year during the last three years.
So we created the first ProtectHer program,
that can be integrated in those changing rooms
to invite young men to broaden their idea of masculinity.
Because you think, in order to secure the bedrooms,
the hearts and the heads in the locker rooms must activate.
A few things that I learned in the trenches with those guests.
First and foremost, they need to become aware of their conditioning.
This is the most derivative generation ever and we have to get them that far
that they take the time to ask themselves: “According to who, really?”
We know that they consume ten hours of media per day.
Media that glorify violence against women,
who are very disrespectful, where women are sexual objects.
We know that they consume 3 000 brand names per day,
what she takes in a definition of masculinity
who was hijacked by Barbie’s boyfriend with a cheap smell,
without moral awareness, self-respect or authenticity.
We know that most of these guys
sex learning from porn.
So we should not react so shocked,
because they do exactly what we, as a community, program
and they are doing well too.
Perhaps we can therefore better inform them as a society
about sex and healthy relationships.
Secondly, we must talk about identity.
We need to broaden their idea of masculinity,
because the consensus in the locker room at this time
is very simple and very feasible:
become as rich as possible, become as famous as possible
and fucking as many girls as possible.
My husband had a brilliant idea,
he said, “What we should do” –
my husband is here, two whole meters of feminism –
(Laughter)
(Applause)
His suggestion was: “We must take care of those guys
no longer see women as objects,
but remind them that they are all people too.
If I am honest, I would simply collect photos
their girlfriends, sisters and mothers on the social media.
Just include in your presentation. “
That is the voice of my husband, by the way.
(Laughter)
It was a brilliant idea.
So at the first talk I gave for Elite Eleven
I collected photos of all the women they love.
On my first slide:
‘One in four girls experience sexual violence at the university’.
They did not find it interesting: “Oh, we get that story again.”
But I click to the next slide and say, “But it is different when it is.”
I had learned some names by heart.
I said, “It’s different when it’s Sarah,
or if it is Lauren, or Jenny. “
Now that boy is looking at their sister of 16.
Half of those guests started to whine.
We need to redesign this topic,
it must become very personal to them.
Thirdly, we need to talk about respect.
You can not give what you do not have.
We must ensure that these guys have more respect for themselves,
so that they can treat others with more dignity.
What became clear to me,
was that we do not adequately educate them emotionally.
We certainly do not learn these guys
to have confidence in their authentic self.
So they take that confidence out of whatever they can find:
from performance, popularity and possessions.
We must expand the definition of self-confidence
to something that does not depend on your high points on social media
and the approval of others.
Fourth: we must use ordinary language.
I still have to discover the changing room
where they use words like ‘permission’ and ‘bystanders’.
These are words that we use in our shining theories.
I still have to experience that such a boy gets up and says:
“This is a great moment for us, bystanders, to intervene.”
(Laughter)
I have never heard a hearing:
“We were so busy, but I stopped and I said to her:
“So I have permission to continue this?”
(Laughter)
I am not saying that those words are not meant to be well.
I say that we should give them real language and real tools
for the times when we want them to take responsibility.
We must do this together and in consultation with them,
offer a vocabulary for when they see something strange.
Something like: “John, that is not possible.”
That if they are having sex they can say something like:
“Hey, we want both, right?”
Because as long as we talk to them as academic robots,
I think it will not work.
I do have some ideas about what we can do.
People in the media:
please stop making universities black
if something like that happens in their dressing room;
this is a global disease, it happens everywhere.
Encourage the universities that are doing well,
so that the other inspires to follow their example.
People in the learning world:
invest in these kinds of programs, they are a preventive medicine,
we can not stay busy with the symptoms
and stick plasters on bullet wounds.
For parents: you have all the power in your wallet.
When paying school fees, make a condition
that the schools invest in the safety of your daughters and your sons.
For students:
ask your school to invest in these kinds of things.
And for the athletes in the schools:
say you will not choose a university
that gives prevention no priority.
And for policy makers:
if you need a driver’s license to drive a car,
why not make it mandatory to follow a preventive program
before you can go to a university?
For the owners of the National League:
you can be so brave to sign a ProtectHer promise
who says that you will not accept students
who have been convicted of sexual violence?
Being a professional athlete is a privilege,
you are then a living legend in this country.
You have the ability to turn the playing field upside down
with such standards.
At the latest,
ProtectHer is a battle cry,
a belief system,
a cultural identity rooted in an inherent respect for women.
At this moment, now that we are sitting together like this,
marching women and courageous men across the country,
who paraded in their capital and say that this is the change –
(Applause) (Cheers)
say that this is the change that our country wants to make.
It is so easy for us to sit in a room,
to listen to these talks and get inspired,
but such a bold cultural change will require us
that the fighter, that the gladiator,
that the protector stands up in you and me
to define a new standard,
one where girls, women and all people are treated with dignity and respect.
Because ultimately
his men are not only the problem when it comes to violence against women,
they are also the solution,
and we have never needed them so badly.
The real men are therefore invited to this.
Thank you.
(Applause) (Cheering)
”
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