IT IS ABOUT TIME GIRLS AND WOMEN FULLY EMBRACE OURSELVES | August Mclaughlin | TEDxCanonDriveWomen

it’s a beautiful summer morning in Paris

it’s a beautiful summer morning in Paris I’m running along the Sun I can feel the

I’m running along the Sun I can feel the

I’m running along the Sun I can feel the dewy earth squish beneath my feet and up

dewy earth squish beneath my feet and up

dewy earth squish beneath my feet and up ahead I see the Eiffel Tower lit up in

ahead I see the Eiffel Tower lit up in

ahead I see the Eiffel Tower lit up in the sunrise which fills the sky with

the sunrise which fills the sky with

the sunrise which fills the sky with pink and gold and yellow and all of this

pink and gold and yellow and all of this

pink and gold and yellow and all of this beauty seems to be mocking me I feel

beauty seems to be mocking me I feel

beauty seems to be mocking me I feel sick and weak and disgusting but I

sick and weak and disgusting but I

sick and weak and disgusting but I continue running anyway and up ahead I

continue running anyway and up ahead I

continue running anyway and up ahead I noticed this dip in the ground and think

noticed this dip in the ground and think

noticed this dip in the ground and think to myself that looks like a cradle a

to myself that looks like a cradle a

to myself that looks like a cradle a couple of minutes later dizziness

couple of minutes later dizziness

couple of minutes later dizziness overwhelms me I collapsed in that cradle

overwhelms me I collapsed in that cradle

overwhelms me I collapsed in that cradle and when I come to some time later

and when I come to some time later

and when I come to some time later observing blood and dirt in my mouth my

observing blood and dirt in my mouth my

observing blood and dirt in my mouth my first thought is oh no does dirt have

first thought is oh no does dirt have

first thought is oh no does dirt have calories I was 5 years old when I began

calories I was 5 years old when I began

calories I was 5 years old when I began having thoughts I kept secret

having thoughts I kept secret

having thoughts I kept secret my mom had bought me these purple

my mom had bought me these purple

my mom had bought me these purple sweatpants with white puffy hearts all

sweatpants with white puffy hearts all

sweatpants with white puffy hearts all over them

over them

over them who else remembers puff panes they were

who else remembers puff panes they were

who else remembers puff panes they were so cool and I was so excited to wear

so cool and I was so excited to wear

so cool and I was so excited to wear these pants but I knew they had to pass

these pants but I knew they had to pass

these pants but I knew they had to pass my mirror test first so I pulled them on

my mirror test first so I pulled them on

my mirror test first so I pulled them on and I raced upstairs where no one would

and I raced upstairs where no one would

and I raced upstairs where no one would see me and I knelt down in front of a

see me and I knelt down in front of a

see me and I knelt down in front of a wall mirror to see how far my thighs

wall mirror to see how far my thighs

wall mirror to see how far my thighs would spread in the pants

would spread in the pants

would spread in the pants this would determine whether I would

this would determine whether I would

this would determine whether I would wear the pants and if I did whether or

wear the pants and if I did whether or

wear the pants and if I did whether or not I would kneel down around others

not I would kneel down around others

not I would kneel down around others during story time I kept these thoughts

during story time I kept these thoughts

during story time I kept these thoughts private because I sensed they weren’t

private because I sensed they weren’t

private because I sensed they weren’t appropriate to share or that they might

appropriate to share or that they might

appropriate to share or that they might make others feel bad about their own

make others feel bad about their own

make others feel bad about their own bodies see I didn’t judge other people’s

bodies see I didn’t judge other people’s

bodies see I didn’t judge other people’s appearances but for some reason I

appearances but for some reason I

appearances but for some reason I couldn’t stop judging my own I also

couldn’t stop judging my own I also

couldn’t stop judging my own I also couldn’t seem to change much about my

couldn’t seem to change much about my

couldn’t seem to change much about my body every now and then I would try to

body every now and then I would try to

body every now and then I would try to eat less but I loved food too much

eat less but I loved food too much

eat less but I loved food too much so much so that when I was really little

so much so that when I was really little

so much so that when I was really little and my parents were tucking me in at

and my parents were tucking me in at

and my parents were tucking me in at night I’d asked them what we would eat

night I’d asked them what we would eat

night I’d asked them what we would eat for breakfast the next morning so I

for breakfast the next morning so I

for breakfast the next morning so I could dream about it as I approached my

could dream about it as I approached my

could dream about it as I approached my teens something ironic happened people

teens something ironic happened people

teens something ironic happened people started to tell me that I could be a

started to tell me that I could be a

started to tell me that I could be a model

model

model I was shocked so much so that at first I

I was shocked so much so that at first I

I was shocked so much so that at first I thought they were making a cruel joke

thought they were making a cruel joke

thought they were making a cruel joke and then I wondered if they were just

and then I wondered if they were just

and then I wondered if they were just being polite you know trying to make me

being polite you know trying to make me

being polite you know trying to make me feel better about myself I was in

feel better about myself I was in

feel better about myself I was in Minnesota after all there’s a reason

Minnesota after all there’s a reason

Minnesota after all there’s a reason they’ve coined the term Minnesota knife

they’ve coined the term Minnesota knife

they’ve coined the term Minnesota knife but the idea of modeling thrilled me so

but the idea of modeling thrilled me so

but the idea of modeling thrilled me so I pursued it in Minneapolis and I loved

I pursued it in Minneapolis and I loved

I pursued it in Minneapolis and I loved it straightaway for some reason before

it straightaway for some reason before

it straightaway for some reason before the cameras I could shed my insecurities

the cameras I could shed my insecurities

the cameras I could shed my insecurities and morph into this confident performer

and morph into this confident performer

and morph into this confident performer better yet no one said anything about my

better yet no one said anything about my

better yet no one said anything about my perceived weight problem not my agents

perceived weight problem not my agents

perceived weight problem not my agents not clients not other models and I began

not clients not other models and I began

not clients not other models and I began to wonder if these thoughts about my

to wonder if these thoughts about my

to wonder if these thoughts about my body were all in my head maybe I was

body were all in my head maybe I was

body were all in my head maybe I was okay just the way I was then one day a

okay just the way I was then one day a

okay just the way I was then one day a renowned photographer flew in from Los

renowned photographer flew in from Los

renowned photographer flew in from Los Angeles and after this long and glorious

Angeles and after this long and glorious

Angeles and after this long and glorious day of shooting he looked me in the eyes

day of shooting he looked me in the eyes

day of shooting he looked me in the eyes and said you could be modeling in Paris

and said you could be modeling in Paris

and said you could be modeling in Paris if you lost 10 or 15 pounds all of my

if you lost 10 or 15 pounds all of my

if you lost 10 or 15 pounds all of my fears were validated but I also had this

fears were validated but I also had this

fears were validated but I also had this motivation nothing would stop me now I

motivation nothing would stop me now I

motivation nothing would stop me now I started eating more fruits and

started eating more fruits and

started eating more fruits and vegetables and exercising before school

vegetables and exercising before school

vegetables and exercising before school and as I began to see the number on the

and as I began to see the number on the

and as I began to see the number on the scale dipped down I will never forget

scale dipped down I will never forget

scale dipped down I will never forget that feeling it was like getting an

that feeling it was like getting an

that feeling it was like getting an a-plus on the most difficult test you

a-plus on the most difficult test you

a-plus on the most difficult test you had ever taken after high school I was

had ever taken after high school I was

had ever taken after high school I was offered a modeling contract in New York

offered a modeling contract in New York

offered a modeling contract in New York City

City

City with one of the world’s top agencies

with one of the world’s top agencies

with one of the world’s top agencies while living there those few pounds turn

while living there those few pounds turn

while living there those few pounds turn into a few more and a few more as Weight

into a few more and a few more as Weight

into a few more and a few more as Weight Control took over my life and the next

Control took over my life and the next

Control took over my life and the next year that photographer proved right I

year that photographer proved right I

year that photographer proved right I was less of me I was modeling in Paris

was less of me I was modeling in Paris

was less of me I was modeling in Paris and that one morning during a routine

and that one morning during a routine

and that one morning during a routine run I collapsed and when I came to

run I collapsed and when I came to

run I collapsed and when I came to observing blood and dirt in my mouth my

observing blood and dirt in my mouth my

observing blood and dirt in my mouth my first thought was not about my well

first thought was not about my well

first thought was not about my well being how long have I been here who will

being how long have I been here who will

being how long have I been here who will help me will I survive this but oh no

help me will I survive this but oh no

help me will I survive this but oh no does dirt have calories shortly after I

does dirt have calories shortly after I

does dirt have calories shortly after I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa

was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa

was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa which has the highest mortality rate of

which has the highest mortality rate of

which has the highest mortality rate of all psychiatric illnesses a day or two

all psychiatric illnesses a day or two

all psychiatric illnesses a day or two later I called my agent in Paris and

later I called my agent in Paris and

later I called my agent in Paris and said I’m going home and she said well

said I’m going home and she said well

said I’m going home and she said well why and I said the first thing to come

why and I said the first thing to come

why and I said the first thing to come to mind which for some reason was I have

to mind which for some reason was I have

to mind which for some reason was I have food poisoning anorexia had taken a lot

food poisoning anorexia had taken a lot

food poisoning anorexia had taken a lot of me but apparently not my dark sense

of me but apparently not my dark sense

of me but apparently not my dark sense of humor back in Minnesota I attempted

of humor back in Minnesota I attempted

of humor back in Minnesota I attempted numerous forms of treatment and resisted

numerous forms of treatment and resisted

numerous forms of treatment and resisted everyone holding staunchly to his

everyone holding staunchly to his

everyone holding staunchly to his beliefs that if I could just be good

beliefs that if I could just be good

beliefs that if I could just be good enough smart enough strong enough I

enough smart enough strong enough I

enough smart enough strong enough I could be thin as I wished and happy at

could be thin as I wished and happy at

could be thin as I wished and happy at the same time it seemed utopian but my

the same time it seemed utopian but my

the same time it seemed utopian but my body and soul couldn’t take the

body and soul couldn’t take the

body and soul couldn’t take the starvation much longer one day one of my

starvation much longer one day one of my

starvation much longer one day one of my worst nightmares came true I was home

worst nightmares came true I was home

worst nightmares came true I was home alone and could not stop thinking about

alone and could not stop thinking about

alone and could not stop thinking about this turtle fudge brownie ice cream in

this turtle fudge brownie ice cream in

this turtle fudge brownie ice cream in the freezer

the freezer

the freezer it had caramel swirls and these little

it had caramel swirls and these little

it had caramel swirls and these little chunks of brownie and the ice cream was

chunks of brownie and the ice cream was

chunks of brownie and the ice cream was chocolate which is my favorites I hadn’t

chocolate which is my favorites I hadn’t

chocolate which is my favorites I hadn’t even eaten chocolate in

even eaten chocolate in

even eaten chocolate in is who goes to Paris and doesn’t eat

is who goes to Paris and doesn’t eat

is who goes to Paris and doesn’t eat chocolate I deserve this I told myself

chocolate I deserve this I told myself

chocolate I deserve this I told myself one bite can’t hurt so I crept to the

one bite can’t hurt so I crept to the

one bite can’t hurt so I crept to the freezer as I was committing this

freezer as I was committing this

freezer as I was committing this horrible crime and I pulled the ice

horrible crime and I pulled the ice

horrible crime and I pulled the ice cream out and I placed the spoon in and

cream out and I placed the spoon in and

cream out and I placed the spoon in and put the sweet dollop on my tongue and as

put the sweet dollop on my tongue and as

put the sweet dollop on my tongue and as it sat there my whole body filled with

it sat there my whole body filled with

it sat there my whole body filled with delight but that one bite turned into

delight but that one bite turned into

delight but that one bite turned into another and another and another and

another and another and another and

another and another and another and another until I consumed the entire half

another until I consumed the entire half

another until I consumed the entire half gallon this started a vicious cycle of

gallon this started a vicious cycle of

gallon this started a vicious cycle of bingeing so intensely I would enter this

bingeing so intensely I would enter this

bingeing so intensely I would enter this trance-like state and not fully realize

trance-like state and not fully realize

trance-like state and not fully realize how much I had eaten until I found

how much I had eaten until I found

how much I had eaten until I found myself sobbing in wrappers and crumbs

myself sobbing in wrappers and crumbs

myself sobbing in wrappers and crumbs and attempts to compensate for calories

and attempts to compensate for calories

and attempts to compensate for calories taken in as I put on weight people

taken in as I put on weight people

taken in as I put on weight people started to tell me how healthy I looked

started to tell me how healthy I looked

started to tell me how healthy I looked not realizing I felt sicker than ever on

not realizing I felt sicker than ever on

not realizing I felt sicker than ever on the inside one night after a gargantuan

the inside one night after a gargantuan

the inside one night after a gargantuan binge like the mother of all binges I

binge like the mother of all binges I

binge like the mother of all binges I decided to consume a poisonous substance

decided to consume a poisonous substance

decided to consume a poisonous substance to make myself vomit

to make myself vomit

to make myself vomit it was my go-to SOS strategy for

it was my go-to SOS strategy for

it was my go-to SOS strategy for worst-case scenarios and to me this was

worst-case scenarios and to me this was

worst-case scenarios and to me this was my worst case scenario this putrid rock

my worst case scenario this putrid rock

my worst case scenario this putrid rock in my stomach had to come out so I raced

in my stomach had to come out so I raced

in my stomach had to come out so I raced as its cupboard to find the poison and I

as its cupboard to find the poison and I

as its cupboard to find the poison and I looked inside and it was not there and

looked inside and it was not there and

looked inside and it was not there and in a panic I rushed around the house

in a panic I rushed around the house

in a panic I rushed around the house with my heart pounding searching for

with my heart pounding searching for

with my heart pounding searching for this poison it was gone and it struck me

this poison it was gone and it struck me

this poison it was gone and it struck me that without my go to SOS strategy in

that without my go to SOS strategy in

that without my go to SOS strategy in that moment all I could do was be with

that moment all I could do was be with

that moment all I could do was be with me which is a really scary thing when

me which is a really scary thing when

me which is a really scary thing when you’re in a dark place and as I sat

you’re in a dark place and as I sat

you’re in a dark place and as I sat there being with myself

there being with myself

there being with myself it dawned on me that this was my entire

it dawned on me that this was my entire

it dawned on me that this was my entire life my sole purpose was to binge and

life my sole purpose was to binge and

life my sole purpose was to binge and restrict and obsess and punish this

restrict and obsess and punish this

restrict and obsess and punish this wasn’t a life I saw two choices I could

wasn’t a life I saw two choices I could

wasn’t a life I saw two choices I could end it all right there or I could choose

end it all right there or I could choose

end it all right there or I could choose to live differently I had nothing to

to live differently I had nothing to

to live differently I had nothing to lose by trying and everything to lose by

lose by trying and everything to lose by

lose by trying and everything to lose by not so I pulled myself together and I

not so I pulled myself together and I

not so I pulled myself together and I walked to my wall mirror and I look not

walked to my wall mirror and I look not

walked to my wall mirror and I look not at my hips or my thighs or my belly but

at my hips or my thighs or my belly but

at my hips or my thighs or my belly but straight into my eyes and said this is

straight into my eyes and said this is

straight into my eyes and said this is not who you are I vowed that for one

not who you are I vowed that for one

not who you are I vowed that for one year I would make no attempt at weight

year I would make no attempt at weight

year I would make no attempt at weight control no matter how much I binge I get

control no matter how much I binge I get

control no matter how much I binge I get the next meal and the next meal I cut

the next meal and the next meal I cut

the next meal and the next meal I cut all the size tags out of my clothes I

all the size tags out of my clothes I

all the size tags out of my clothes I trashed my scale along with health

trashed my scale along with health

trashed my scale along with health magazines that touted the latest

magazines that touted the latest

magazines that touted the latest celebrity diet and ways to get flatter

celebrity diet and ways to get flatter

celebrity diet and ways to get flatter abs because none of that was living I

abs because none of that was living I

abs because none of that was living I studied a mindfulness started listening

studied a mindfulness started listening

studied a mindfulness started listening to my body rather than eating by numbers

to my body rather than eating by numbers

to my body rather than eating by numbers on packages I took a woman’s sexuality

on packages I took a woman’s sexuality

on packages I took a woman’s sexuality course and for the first time began to

course and for the first time began to

course and for the first time began to see my body is beautiful and capable and

see my body is beautiful and capable and

see my body is beautiful and capable and worthy a pleasure and on my dark days of

worthy a pleasure and on my dark days of

worthy a pleasure and on my dark days of which there were many many many many

which there were many many many many

which there were many many many many many many many many many many many many

many many many many many many many many

many many many many many many many many as many I asked myself how I would treat

as many I asked myself how I would treat

as many I asked myself how I would treat a beloved friend until gradually finally

a beloved friend until gradually finally

a beloved friend until gradually finally I became her whenever I tell my story

I became her whenever I tell my story

I became her whenever I tell my story somebody inevitably asks what was your

somebody inevitably asks what was your

somebody inevitably asks what was your lowest weight how much did you gain when

lowest weight how much did you gain when

lowest weight how much did you gain when you were binging were you actually a

you were binging were you actually a

you were binging were you actually a chubby kid I imagine many of you had

chubby kid I imagine many of you had

chubby kid I imagine many of you had these questions

these questions

these questions and that’s okay trust me I get it

and that’s okay trust me I get it

and that’s okay trust me I get it we are all taught that the numbers

we are all taught that the numbers

we are all taught that the numbers matter but here’s the thing

matter but here’s the thing

matter but here’s the thing they don’t beauty is not a size I’m sure

they don’t beauty is not a size I’m sure

they don’t beauty is not a size I’m sure we’re all familiar with this idea that

we’re all familiar with this idea that

we’re all familiar with this idea that what really matters is on the inside I

what really matters is on the inside I

what really matters is on the inside I share my story today with hopes you’ll

share my story today with hopes you’ll

share my story today with hopes you’ll hear it differently because none of us

hear it differently because none of us

hear it differently because none of us are immune to the messages that suggest

are immune to the messages that suggest

are immune to the messages that suggest our details matter more than we do uh-uh

our details matter more than we do uh-uh

our details matter more than we do uh-uh no they don’t

no they don’t

no they don’t you are not your net worth or how much

you are not your net worth or how much

you are not your net worth or how much money you have in the bank or your body

money you have in the bank or your body

money you have in the bank or your body fat percentage or your height or your

fat percentage or your height or your

fat percentage or your height or your age or how popular you are on social

age or how popular you are on social

age or how popular you are on social media your character your sense of humor

media your character your sense of humor

media your character your sense of humor your sense of style your passions and

your sense of style your passions and

your sense of style your passions and curiosities all those quirks that make

curiosities all those quirks that make

curiosities all those quirks that make you who you are none of that is

you who you are none of that is

you who you are none of that is quantifiable beauty is not a size if you

quantifiable beauty is not a size if you

quantifiable beauty is not a size if you find yourself in a dark place paralyzed

find yourself in a dark place paralyzed

find yourself in a dark place paralyzed by messages that suggest otherwise I

by messages that suggest otherwise I

by messages that suggest otherwise I urge you to practice self compassion be

urge you to practice self compassion be

urge you to practice self compassion be with yourself look within I promise you

with yourself look within I promise you

with yourself look within I promise you there is so much wonder to be embraced

there is so much wonder to be embraced

there is so much wonder to be embraced there thank you so much