you’ll have at one time or another fallen victim to identities and
fallen victim to identities and
fallen victim to identities and stereotypes that really are not worth
stereotypes that really are not worth
stereotypes that really are not worth our brilliance for me being an
our brilliance for me being an
our brilliance for me being an undocumented person in this country has
undocumented person in this country has
undocumented person in this country has meant a lot of pain anguish as well as
meant a lot of pain anguish as well as
meant a lot of pain anguish as well as many awakenings but I wasn’t born
many awakenings but I wasn’t born
many awakenings but I wasn’t born undocumented I was born a beautiful
undocumented I was born a beautiful
undocumented I was born a beautiful little brown hairless Mexican baby or at
little brown hairless Mexican baby or at
little brown hairless Mexican baby or at least that’s what my mother says so I
least that’s what my mother says so I
least that’s what my mother says so I kinda have to take her word for it
kinda have to take her word for it
kinda have to take her word for it I was born into petite Glen Jalisco
I was born into petite Glen Jalisco
I was born into petite Glen Jalisco Mexico a beautiful small town built at
Mexico a beautiful small town built at
Mexico a beautiful small town built at the cross-sections of modernity and
the cross-sections of modernity and
the cross-sections of modernity and tradition I could still remember
tradition I could still remember
tradition I could still remember smelling the richness of the deep red
smelling the richness of the deep red
smelling the richness of the deep red earth after it rained and playing in the
earth after it rained and playing in the
earth after it rained and playing in the cobble streets with all of my friends in
cobble streets with all of my friends in
cobble streets with all of my friends in the barrio I had a beautiful and happy
the barrio I had a beautiful and happy
the barrio I had a beautiful and happy childhood but that happiness was
childhood but that happiness was
childhood but that happiness was overshadowed by the poverty that we
overshadowed by the poverty that we
overshadowed by the poverty that we collectively felt the poverty was so
collectively felt the poverty was so
collectively felt the poverty was so pervasive that it was common for my
pervasive that it was common for my
pervasive that it was common for my mother to make carton cutout inserts and
mother to make carton cutout inserts and
mother to make carton cutout inserts and placed them inside our shoes just to
placed them inside our shoes just to
placed them inside our shoes just to protect us from the weather now poverty
protect us from the weather now poverty
protect us from the weather now poverty was like a shadow and like shadows do it
was like a shadow and like shadows do it
was like a shadow and like shadows do it crept its way into every aspect of our
crept its way into every aspect of our
crept its way into every aspect of our lives it was in the first grade that I
lives it was in the first grade that I
lives it was in the first grade that I first realized just kind of what kind of
first realized just kind of what kind of
first realized just kind of what kind of a tantalizing power it actually had in
a tantalizing power it actually had in
a tantalizing power it actually had in the first grade I remember we had a
the first grade I remember we had a
the first grade I remember we had a running competition and I won first
running competition and I won first
running competition and I won first place I took home a gold medal that gold
place I took home a gold medal that gold
place I took home a gold medal that gold medal was a coin worth a hundred pesos
medal was a coin worth a hundred pesos
medal was a coin worth a hundred pesos so I took it home and I ramped to home
so I took it home and I ramped to home
so I took it home and I ramped to home and I told mom and she and I showed it
and I told mom and she and I showed it
and I told mom and she and I showed it to her and she looked at it but I knew
to her and she looked at it but I knew
to her and she looked at it but I knew that something was wrong she needed the
that something was wrong she needed the
that something was wrong she needed the hundred pesos to buy milk for us that
hundred pesos to buy milk for us that
hundred pesos to buy milk for us that week I of course was extremely excited
week I of course was extremely excited
week I of course was extremely excited not only had I won gold but I also had a
not only had I won gold but I also had a
not only had I won gold but I also had a hundred pesos to buy milk for us that
hundred pesos to buy milk for us that
hundred pesos to buy milk for us that week but there was a sadness in my
week but there was a sadness in my
week but there was a sadness in my mother’s eyes that I knew that she
mother’s eyes that I knew that she
mother’s eyes that I knew that she couldn’t shake away
couldn’t shake away
couldn’t shake away and it was that same kind of sadness
and it was that same kind of sadness
and it was that same kind of sadness that I feel as an undocumented person
that I feel as an undocumented person
that I feel as an undocumented person I’ve been on a documented person in this
I’ve been on a documented person in this
I’ve been on a documented person in this country for over 20 years now but if
country for over 20 years now but if
country for over 20 years now but if there’s one thing that I’ve learned over
there’s one thing that I’ve learned over
there’s one thing that I’ve learned over all of this is that I am NOT my status I
all of this is that I am NOT my status I
all of this is that I am NOT my status I am NOT nor will I be relegated to an
am NOT nor will I be relegated to an
am NOT nor will I be relegated to an identity that has been created by the
identity that has been created by the
identity that has been created by the dominant Society and bestowed on to me I
dominant Society and bestowed on to me I
dominant Society and bestowed on to me I choose to see my liberation as connected
choose to see my liberation as connected
choose to see my liberation as connected to the awareness that I am as free as I
to the awareness that I am as free as I
to the awareness that I am as free as I dare to be and as you see me here today
dare to be and as you see me here today
dare to be and as you see me here today know that I am a liberated being because
know that I am a liberated being because
know that I am a liberated being because I know that that is the case but this
I know that that is the case but this
I know that that is the case but this awareness didn’t just come overnight
awareness didn’t just come overnight
awareness didn’t just come overnight okay it didn’t it took a long time but
okay it didn’t it took a long time but
okay it didn’t it took a long time but if there’s one thing that I want you to
if there’s one thing that I want you to
if there’s one thing that I want you to take from today is that that is
take from today is that that is
take from today is that that is accessible to you all and I’m just going
accessible to you all and I’m just going
accessible to you all and I’m just going to share with you a few perspectives of
to share with you a few perspectives of
to share with you a few perspectives of that my new identity began to form
that my new identity began to form
that my new identity began to form itself the day we flew or the day we
itself the day we flew or the day we
itself the day we flew or the day we actually came to the United States I was
actually came to the United States I was
actually came to the United States I was eight years old at the time and I
eight years old at the time and I
eight years old at the time and I remember that my mother came and she
remember that my mother came and she
remember that my mother came and she told me we were good we were going to go
told me we were good we were going to go
told me we were good we were going to go see goofy goofy I loved goofy are you
see goofy goofy I loved goofy are you
see goofy goofy I loved goofy are you kidding we were gonna go see goofy and
kidding we were gonna go see goofy and
kidding we were gonna go see goofy and we finally had the chance to go to
we finally had the chance to go to
we finally had the chance to go to Disneyland
Disneyland
Disneyland now that adventure happened very very
now that adventure happened very very
now that adventure happened very very quickly after we flew to Tijuana we
quickly after we flew to Tijuana we
quickly after we flew to Tijuana we walked to the United States I remember
walked to the United States I remember
walked to the United States I remember walking across many mountains and rivers
walking across many mountains and rivers
walking across many mountains and rivers and valleys and sleeping out in nature
and valleys and sleeping out in nature
and valleys and sleeping out in nature it was kind of like a very long camping
it was kind of like a very long camping
it was kind of like a very long camping trip except a lot more scary I can
trip except a lot more scary I can
trip except a lot more scary I can remember as an eight-year-old but why
remember as an eight-year-old but why
remember as an eight-year-old but why does goofy have to be so far away
does goofy have to be so far away
does goofy have to be so far away and does everybody to have to go to
and does everybody to have to go to
and does everybody to have to go to Disneyland have to go through all of
Disneyland have to go through all of
Disneyland have to go through all of this I really didn’t think so
this I really didn’t think so
this I really didn’t think so but as an eight year bull as an eight
but as an eight year bull as an eight
but as an eight year bull as an eight year old boy that was scared I was
year old boy that was scared I was
year old boy that was scared I was scared mostly when I heard the coyotes
scared mostly when I heard the coyotes
scared mostly when I heard the coyotes howling at the distance because I felt
howling at the distance because I felt
howling at the distance because I felt like they were actually coming after me
like they were actually coming after me
like they were actually coming after me after a few days of that we made it to
after a few days of that we made it to
after a few days of that we made it to the United States and we reunited with
the United States and we reunited with
the United States and we reunited with my sister’s here in Long Beach now I
my sister’s here in Long Beach now I
my sister’s here in Long Beach now I grew up like any other little boy in the
grew up like any other little boy in the
grew up like any other little boy in the United States
United States
United States I played the cello and orchestra I
I played the cello and orchestra I
I played the cello and orchestra I played the drums in the marching band
played the drums in the marching band
played the drums in the marching band and I joined any and all leadership
and I joined any and all leadership
and I joined any and all leadership position that I could yeah I was that
position that I could yeah I was that
position that I could yeah I was that kid and as far as I was concerned I was
kid and as far as I was concerned I was
kid and as far as I was concerned I was part of the dominant narrative society
part of the dominant narrative society
part of the dominant narrative society but deep down inside I knew that I was
but deep down inside I knew that I was
but deep down inside I knew that I was never going to be accepted as such I
never going to be accepted as such I
never going to be accepted as such I knew that I was always going to be
knew that I was always going to be
knew that I was always going to be undocumented I made my way through
undocumented I made my way through
undocumented I made my way through college pretty much like a lot of you in
college pretty much like a lot of you in
college pretty much like a lot of you in this room half through free food on
this room half through free food on
this room half through free food on campus political activism and by the
campus political activism and by the
campus political activism and by the grace of your strangers and your parents
grace of your strangers and your parents
grace of your strangers and your parents I remember every day that I went to UCLA
I remember every day that I went to UCLA
I remember every day that I went to UCLA you would often see me with a duffel bag
you would often see me with a duffel bag
you would often see me with a duffel bag to my right and some extra clothes to my
to my right and some extra clothes to my
to my right and some extra clothes to my left because I never really knew where I
left because I never really knew where I
left because I never really knew where I would end up sometimes I would stay with
would end up sometimes I would stay with
would end up sometimes I would stay with my friend in the dorms other times I
my friend in the dorms other times I
my friend in the dorms other times I would stay in libraries or classrooms or
would stay in libraries or classrooms or
would stay in libraries or classrooms or I just pretty much couch surfed all the
I just pretty much couch surfed all the
I just pretty much couch surfed all the way through it was very difficult time
way through it was very difficult time
way through it was very difficult time but I thought was I really the only
but I thought was I really the only
but I thought was I really the only undocumented person here at UCLA I
undocumented person here at UCLA I
undocumented person here at UCLA I really didn’t think so and after a few
really didn’t think so and after a few
really didn’t think so and after a few years I finally found other people like
years I finally found other people like
years I finally found other people like myself that we could relate and we build
myself that we could relate and we build
myself that we could relate and we build a system or network of underground
a system or network of underground
a system or network of underground undergrads where we actually worked
undergrads where we actually worked
undergrads where we actually worked together to help each other pass our
together to help each other pass our
together to help each other pass our classes get free food on campus and
classes get free food on campus and
classes get free food on campus and pretty much make you to the next couple
pretty much make you to the next couple
pretty much make you to the next couple of years of life but of course like an
of years of life but of course like an
of years of life but of course like an undocumented person who is poor I had to
undocumented person who is poor I had to
undocumented person who is poor I had to leave school after four years
leave school after four years
leave school after four years I became that college dropout that would
I became that college dropout that would
I became that college dropout that would surmount to nothing that undocumented
surmount to nothing that undocumented
surmount to nothing that undocumented person who took someone else’s spot at
person who took someone else’s spot at
person who took someone else’s spot at UCLA that Mexican who didn’t deserve to
UCLA that Mexican who didn’t deserve to
UCLA that Mexican who didn’t deserve to be in this country in the first place
be in this country in the first place
be in this country in the first place I became an embarrassment and I was
I became an embarrassment and I was
I became an embarrassment and I was ashamed for myself and my family or at
ashamed for myself and my family or at
ashamed for myself and my family or at least these were the stories that I was
least these were the stories that I was
least these were the stories that I was beginning to believe these were the
beginning to believe these were the
beginning to believe these were the stories that this undocumented status
stories that this undocumented status
stories that this undocumented status told me to believe but I knew that that
told me to believe but I knew that that
told me to believe but I knew that that wasn’t who I was nevertheless I fell
wasn’t who I was nevertheless I fell
wasn’t who I was nevertheless I fell into a deep depression and I left school
like my mother I felt trapped under
like my mother I felt trapped under these identities and my current
these identities and my current
these identities and my current circumstances if there was one thing
circumstances if there was one thing
circumstances if there was one thing that I knew is that I was sick that I
that I knew is that I was sick that I
that I knew is that I was sick that I was tired lonely and masking all of my
was tired lonely and masking all of my
was tired lonely and masking all of my troubles with alcohol but at that time
troubles with alcohol but at that time
troubles with alcohol but at that time that was what awareness felt like you
that was what awareness felt like you
that was what awareness felt like you see awareness is a moment in time when
see awareness is a moment in time when
see awareness is a moment in time when you become completely conscious of how
you become completely conscious of how
you become completely conscious of how your body is connecting to your feelings
your body is connecting to your feelings
your body is connecting to your feelings and at that point as scared as I was I
and at that point as scared as I was I
and at that point as scared as I was I knew that I was beginning to detach
knew that I was beginning to detach
knew that I was beginning to detach myself from that identity that wasn’t me
myself from that identity that wasn’t me
myself from that identity that wasn’t me I was coming back to myself now this
I was coming back to myself now this
I was coming back to myself now this journey took many years and I couldn’t
journey took many years and I couldn’t
journey took many years and I couldn’t have done it alone and I actually did it
have done it alone and I actually did it
have done it alone and I actually did it in pretty much a weird kind of
in pretty much a weird kind of
in pretty much a weird kind of circumstance after dropping out of UCLA
circumstance after dropping out of UCLA
circumstance after dropping out of UCLA I went to go work as a community
I went to go work as a community
I went to go work as a community organizer as a community organizer I
organizer as a community organizer I
organizer as a community organizer I worked with other community members
worked with other community members
worked with other community members other stakeholders to support port truck
other stakeholders to support port truck
other stakeholders to support port truck drivers here in the city to get better
drivers here in the city to get better
drivers here in the city to get better working conditions it was in this
working conditions it was in this
working conditions it was in this campaign that I met be at peace
campaign that I met be at peace
campaign that I met be at peace a woman port truck driver who has been
a woman port truck driver who has been
a woman port truck driver who has been in this industry for the last ten years
in this industry for the last ten years
in this industry for the last ten years I met with Reese at a community worker
I met with Reese at a community worker
I met with Reese at a community worker meeting she was probably the only woman
meeting she was probably the only woman
meeting she was probably the only woman in this room full of rowdy poor trucking
in this room full of rowdy poor trucking
in this room full of rowdy poor trucking men who were discussing the many issues
men who were discussing the many issues
men who were discussing the many issues that they
that they
that they at the industry but there was something
at the industry but there was something
at the industry but there was something interesting about me at these she sat
interesting about me at these she sat
interesting about me at these she sat there smiling the entire time and as she
there smiling the entire time and as she
there smiling the entire time and as she smiled she sat upright regally calm as
smiled she sat upright regally calm as
smiled she sat upright regally calm as if in meditation
if in meditation
if in meditation she paid close attention to those
she paid close attention to those
she paid close attention to those presenting at the front and I was at the
presenting at the front and I was at the
presenting at the front and I was at the back somewhere filling out some
back somewhere filling out some
back somewhere filling out some registration forms but at one point she
registration forms but at one point she
registration forms but at one point she got up came back to me grabbed a cup of
got up came back to me grabbed a cup of
got up came back to me grabbed a cup of coffee looked over and said I’ve never
coffee looked over and said I’ve never
coffee looked over and said I’ve never seen you here before but I’m glad that
seen you here before but I’m glad that
seen you here before but I’m glad that you are she gave me a huge beautiful
you are she gave me a huge beautiful
you are she gave me a huge beautiful smile that I knew came from compassion
smile that I knew came from compassion
smile that I knew came from compassion and love who was this woman of course I
and love who was this woman of course I
and love who was this woman of course I really needed to find out who this woman
really needed to find out who this woman
really needed to find out who this woman was so after a couple of weeks I
was so after a couple of weeks I
was so after a couple of weeks I searched for her and I found her and I
searched for her and I found her and I
searched for her and I found her and I told her that I wanted to work on a
told her that I wanted to work on a
told her that I wanted to work on a project together this project turned out
project together this project turned out
project together this project turned out to be a full a photography project where
to be a full a photography project where
to be a full a photography project where I collected her cell phone photography
I collected her cell phone photography
I collected her cell phone photography and we put it together into a gallery
and we put it together into a gallery
and we put it together into a gallery and as we shared that time together
and as we shared that time together
and as we shared that time together she showed me hundreds and hundreds of
she showed me hundreds and hundreds of
she showed me hundreds and hundreds of pictures of what she had taken at the
pictures of what she had taken at the
pictures of what she had taken at the port while at the same time sharing with
port while at the same time sharing with
port while at the same time sharing with me her story of migration poverty and
me her story of migration poverty and
me her story of migration poverty and how she became one of the only women
how she became one of the only women
how she became one of the only women truck drivers in her industry she showed
truck drivers in her industry she showed
truck drivers in her industry she showed me pictures of the sky mostly like this
me pictures of the sky mostly like this
me pictures of the sky mostly like this one when she was on her way to work she
one when she was on her way to work she
one when she was on her way to work she was captivated by cloud all the time and
was captivated by cloud all the time and
was captivated by cloud all the time and she also took this picture of the Sun
she also took this picture of the Sun
she also took this picture of the Sun hiding behind the clouds mind you she
hiding behind the clouds mind you she
hiding behind the clouds mind you she took these pictures from the inside of
took these pictures from the inside of
took these pictures from the inside of her cab as well as the Sun and how
her cab as well as the Sun and how
her cab as well as the Sun and how bright it was in the middle of the
bright it was in the middle of the
bright it was in the middle of the afternoon she also took a picture of a
afternoon she also took a picture of a
afternoon she also took a picture of a flower in her garden and of course this
flower in her garden and of course this
flower in her garden and of course this could not be a photo gallery without
could not be a photo gallery without
could not be a photo gallery without having a couple of selfies this was not
having a couple of selfies this was not
having a couple of selfies this was not what I was expecting to find I mean I
what I was expecting to find I mean I
what I was expecting to find I mean I thought she was going to show me
thought she was going to show me
thought she was going to show me pictures of the port in decrepit
pictures of the port in decrepit
pictures of the port in decrepit conditions the pollution the darkness
conditions the pollution the darkness
conditions the pollution the darkness the flat tires
the flat tires
the flat tires had plenty of that as well but most of
had plenty of that as well but most of
had plenty of that as well but most of it she focused it on nature and when I
it she focused it on nature and when I
it she focused it on nature and when I asked her why she did that she said
asked her why she did that she said
asked her why she did that she said because we have to focus on the beauty
because we have to focus on the beauty
because we have to focus on the beauty that’s around there we have to see how
that’s around there we have to see how
that’s around there we have to see how much beauty we have around because
much beauty we have around because
much beauty we have around because there’s so much ugly out there this was
there’s so much ugly out there this was
there’s so much ugly out there this was it could it be that you could actually
it could it be that you could actually
it could it be that you could actually find the beauty wherever it was that you
find the beauty wherever it was that you
find the beauty wherever it was that you were we have three certainly did that
were we have three certainly did that
were we have three certainly did that and she did it inside of her truck as
and she did it inside of her truck as
and she did it inside of her truck as well as outside every time that we
well as outside every time that we
well as outside every time that we worked on the project together a lot of
worked on the project together a lot of
worked on the project together a lot of questions surged up for me like what
questions surged up for me like what
questions surged up for me like what stories was i continuing to hide and how
stories was i continuing to hide and how
stories was i continuing to hide and how was I becoming a prisoner of my own
was I becoming a prisoner of my own
was I becoming a prisoner of my own identity how was I becoming a prisoner
identity how was I becoming a prisoner
identity how was I becoming a prisoner of being undocumented the only way that
of being undocumented the only way that
of being undocumented the only way that I could answer those questions was to go
I could answer those questions was to go
I could answer those questions was to go deep down inside and meet the
deep down inside and meet the
deep down inside and meet the eight-year-old self that was wounded in
August of 2016 I found myself at a
August of 2016 I found myself at a Buddhist monastery here in Escondido
Buddhist monastery here in Escondido
Buddhist monastery here in Escondido California I was on a night hike with
California I was on a night hike with
California I was on a night hike with other Buddhist practitioners and the
other Buddhist practitioners and the
other Buddhist practitioners and the only thing that you could see was the
only thing that you could see was the
only thing that you could see was the light that was flashing in front of you
light that was flashing in front of you
light that was flashing in front of you with our flashlights I remember stopping
with our flashlights I remember stopping
with our flashlights I remember stopping because everything looked so familiar
because everything looked so familiar
because everything looked so familiar the Stars the moon the way that the
the Stars the moon the way that the
the Stars the moon the way that the court is held at the distance except
court is held at the distance except
court is held at the distance except that this time I didn’t run I looked up
that this time I didn’t run I looked up
that this time I didn’t run I looked up at the stars I took a deep breath and I
at the stars I took a deep breath and I
at the stars I took a deep breath and I invited my eight-year-old self to come
invited my eight-year-old self to come
invited my eight-year-old self to come back and as he came he brought forth the
back and as he came he brought forth the
back and as he came he brought forth the pain that he had on that fateful journey
pain that he had on that fateful journey
pain that he had on that fateful journey and all those unanswered questions
and all those unanswered questions
and all those unanswered questions so I knelt down I looked at him smiled
so I knelt down I looked at him smiled
so I knelt down I looked at him smiled and said ya know da preocupes I’m here
and said ya know da preocupes I’m here
and said ya know da preocupes I’m here I can take care of you now there’s
I can take care of you now there’s
I can take care of you now there’s nothing to worry about
nothing to worry about
nothing to worry about you can rest that was a watershed moment
you can rest that was a watershed moment
you can rest that was a watershed moment of complete transformation for me that
of complete transformation for me that
of complete transformation for me that was my liberation I had given myself the
was my liberation I had given myself the
was my liberation I had given myself the opportunity to transform that fateful
opportunity to transform that fateful
opportunity to transform that fateful journey from pain and anguish to love
journey from pain and anguish to love
journey from pain and anguish to love and compassion you see I have the power
and compassion you see I have the power
and compassion you see I have the power to change whatever narrative that I have
to change whatever narrative that I have
to change whatever narrative that I have whether it’s painful or not knowing that
whether it’s painful or not knowing that
whether it’s painful or not knowing that at that particular place at that
at that particular place at that
at that particular place at that particular time I was aware that I was
particular time I was aware that I was
particular time I was aware that I was in control now my eight-year-old self
in control now my eight-year-old self
in control now my eight-year-old self can rest knowing that a much more mature
can rest knowing that a much more mature
can rest knowing that a much more mature soul can take care of both of us now
this is the power that’s accessible to
this is the power that’s accessible to all of us in this room if Beatrice did
all of us in this room if Beatrice did
all of us in this room if Beatrice did it with her photography inside of her
it with her photography inside of her
it with her photography inside of her truck and I did it through the amount of
truck and I did it through the amount of
truck and I did it through the amount of work that I did with myself then
work that I did with myself then
work that I did with myself then certainly you can partake in that today
certainly you can partake in that today
certainly you can partake in that today and it all starts with just one breath
and it all starts with just one breath
and it all starts with just one breath so at this point I would like for you to
so at this point I would like for you to
so at this point I would like for you to help me with something
help me with something
help me with something I would like for you to take a deep
I would like for you to take a deep
I would like for you to take a deep breath in and exhale
breath in and exhale
breath in and exhale ah you’re next in breath think of a
ah you’re next in breath think of a
ah you’re next in breath think of a painful story that has caused you much
painful story that has caused you much
painful story that has caused you much harm
harm
harm on your exhale find yourself as free as
on your exhale find yourself as free as
on your exhale find yourself as free as a butterfly inhale your painful story
a butterfly inhale your painful story
a butterfly inhale your painful story exhale your liberation if there’s one
exhale your liberation if there’s one
exhale your liberation if there’s one thing that these would say if she would
thing that these would say if she would
thing that these would say if she would be here is to remember that you are as
be here is to remember that you are as
be here is to remember that you are as free as a butterfly you are as free as
free as a butterfly you are as free as
free as a butterfly you are as free as the Sun which is
”
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