Wednesday July 3rd 2013 8:25 a.m. I’m in my apartment reading emails and suddenly
my apartment reading emails and suddenly
my apartment reading emails and suddenly I feel my breath hi caught in my chest
I feel my breath hi caught in my chest
I feel my breath hi caught in my chest missing heartbeats my son phones mom
missing heartbeats my son phones mom
missing heartbeats my son phones mom turn on the TV breaking news a summer
turn on the TV breaking news a summer
turn on the TV breaking news a summer camp ground for children in Yosemite
camp ground for children in Yosemite
camp ground for children in Yosemite several injured one dead
several injured one dead
several injured one dead aerial view a great branch down charts
aerial view a great branch down charts
aerial view a great branch down charts wood benches tables crushed beneath my
wood benches tables crushed beneath my
wood benches tables crushed beneath my child is their parents are calling but
child is their parents are calling but
child is their parents are calling but they can’t get through so they posting
they can’t get through so they posting
they can’t get through so they posting on Facebook call me call me Anna East
on Facebook call me call me Anna East
on Facebook call me call me Anna East darling please please call me but the
darling please please call me but the
darling please please call me but the lines are always busy who are they
lines are always busy who are they
lines are always busy who are they calling I’m her mother they would have
calling I’m her mother they would have
calling I’m her mother they would have called me four and a half hours later I
called me four and a half hours later I
called me four and a half hours later I get through I learn it’s her it’s her
get through I learn it’s her it’s her
get through I learn it’s her it’s her she’s the one I don’t know how many
she’s the one I don’t know how many
she’s the one I don’t know how many times I screamed I knew beyond any
times I screamed I knew beyond any
times I screamed I knew beyond any knowing that it was true my child my
knowing that it was true my child my
knowing that it was true my child my girl my daughter my gorgeous gorgeous
girl my daughter my gorgeous gorgeous
girl my daughter my gorgeous gorgeous Anais would never ever ever again coming
Anais would never ever ever again coming
Anais would never ever ever again coming through my front door into my arms
through my front door into my arms
through my front door into my arms later the injured girls told me she had
later the injured girls told me she had
later the injured girls told me she had saved their lives my 21 year old
saved their lives my 21 year old
saved their lives my 21 year old daughter’s last words were whoa
daughter’s last words were whoa
daughter’s last words were whoa the trees falling run and in an instant
the trees falling run and in an instant
the trees falling run and in an instant my life was utterly demolished I had no
my life was utterly demolished I had no
my life was utterly demolished I had no skills for living this unbelievable when
skills for living this unbelievable when
skills for living this unbelievable when a child dies it’s often not always but
a child dies it’s often not always but
a child dies it’s often not always but often it’s sudden its violent and the
often it’s sudden its violent and the
often it’s sudden its violent and the parents aren’t there when a child dies
parents aren’t there when a child dies
parents aren’t there when a child dies it’s always nature backwards and the
it’s always nature backwards and the
it’s always nature backwards and the grief is agonizing it debilitates
grief is agonizing it debilitates
grief is agonizing it debilitates it needs long-term care it’s like having
it needs long-term care it’s like having
it needs long-term care it’s like having open heart surgery without anesthesia
open heart surgery without anesthesia
open heart surgery without anesthesia and then you’re supposed to get up put
and then you’re supposed to get up put
and then you’re supposed to get up put on a mask wear a facade and move on
on a mask wear a facade and move on
on a mask wear a facade and move on business as usual my life will never be
business as usual my life will never be
business as usual my life will never be the same and I have a constant companion
the same and I have a constant companion
the same and I have a constant companion now grief that shows up when I least
now grief that shows up when I least
now grief that shows up when I least expect they are mothers I now know he
expect they are mothers I now know he
expect they are mothers I now know he was stayed in bed for two three years
was stayed in bed for two three years
was stayed in bed for two three years others soldiered on at a cost and one
others soldiered on at a cost and one
others soldiered on at a cost and one mother I knew killed herself it’s broken
mother I knew killed herself it’s broken
mother I knew killed herself it’s broken sleep broken memory broken identity
sleep broken memory broken identity
sleep broken memory broken identity jagged crying for days nights weeks
jagged crying for days nights weeks
jagged crying for days nights weeks months years PTSD triggers everywhere
months years PTSD triggers everywhere
months years PTSD triggers everywhere lost words I find myself up at night
lost words I find myself up at night
lost words I find myself up at night late typing her music on hallelujah
late typing her music on hallelujah
late typing her music on hallelujah sitting on the dock of the bay James
sitting on the dock of the bay James
sitting on the dock of the bay James Brown revenge thinking
Brown revenge thinking
Brown revenge thinking ping words torn out of me to hold the
ping words torn out of me to hold the
ping words torn out of me to hold the pain the grief the rage and the
pain the grief the rage and the
pain the grief the rage and the emptiness I was already so broken I did
emptiness I was already so broken I did
emptiness I was already so broken I did not expect what happened next
not expect what happened next
not expect what happened next and it broke my heart a few close
and it broke my heart a few close
and it broke my heart a few close friends and relatives who I assumed
friends and relatives who I assumed
friends and relatives who I assumed would be with me through this agony
would be with me through this agony
would be with me through this agony weren’t they were afraid they was fear
weren’t they were afraid they was fear
weren’t they were afraid they was fear I was avoided I was dropped according to
I was avoided I was dropped according to
I was avoided I was dropped according to them I was negative heavy to angry I
them I was negative heavy to angry I
them I was negative heavy to angry I needed to move on it seems that my
needed to move on it seems that my
needed to move on it seems that my ongoing grief without expiration date
ongoing grief without expiration date
ongoing grief without expiration date was too much and too long for them but
was too much and too long for them but
was too much and too long for them but fortunately there were good friends who
fortunately there were good friends who
fortunately there were good friends who stayed and new ones emerged I bless them
stayed and new ones emerged I bless them
stayed and new ones emerged I bless them and then a ray of light ten months after
and then a ray of light ten months after
and then a ray of light ten months after a niece was killed I heard about project
a niece was killed I heard about project
a niece was killed I heard about project grace two mothers who had not lost
grace two mothers who had not lost
grace two mothers who had not lost children were taking six bereaved
children were taking six bereaved
children were taking six bereaved mothers to Tanzania to work in an
mothers to Tanzania to work in an
mothers to Tanzania to work in an orphanage being from South Africa I knew
orphanage being from South Africa I knew
orphanage being from South Africa I knew that in Africa life and death are
that in Africa life and death are
that in Africa life and death are intimately connected in a dynamic cycle
intimately connected in a dynamic cycle
intimately connected in a dynamic cycle I signed up immediately
every evening one of the mothers would
every evening one of the mothers would tell the life story of her child talking
tell the life story of her child talking
tell the life story of her child talking so freely about our dead children we
so freely about our dead children we
so freely about our dead children we began to heal as a community we had
began to heal as a community we had
began to heal as a community we had compassion for each other and compassion
compassion for each other and compassion
compassion for each other and compassion for ourselves and then there were the
for ourselves and then there were the
for ourselves and then there were the children we’ve each been given a pin
children we’ve each been given a pin
children we’ve each been given a pin with a photograph of our child
with a photograph of our child
with a photograph of our child this is mine the children called me mama
this is mine the children called me mama
this is mine the children called me mama Anais and they had gathering close so
Anais and they had gathering close so
Anais and they had gathering close so close no distance and they’d look at the
close no distance and they’d look at the
close no distance and they’d look at the photo of uh niece and they’d look up at
photo of uh niece and they’d look up at
photo of uh niece and they’d look up at me and they’d ask what happened I tell
me and they’d ask what happened I tell
me and they’d ask what happened I tell them at 8:25 a.m. a huge branch from a
them at 8:25 a.m. a huge branch from a
them at 8:25 a.m. a huge branch from a very tall 85 foot black oak tree crashed
very tall 85 foot black oak tree crashed
very tall 85 foot black oak tree crashed down on the wooden benches and tables
down on the wooden benches and tables
down on the wooden benches and tables with some girls were eating their
with some girls were eating their
with some girls were eating their breakfast several girls were injured but
breakfast several girls were injured but
breakfast several girls were injured but uh niece was killed and they look at her
uh niece was killed and they look at her
uh niece was killed and they look at her photograph again and they look up at me
photograph again and they look up at me
photograph again and they look up at me and they say why did that happen and I
and they say why did that happen and I
and they say why did that happen and I tell them people have to take special
tell them people have to take special
tell them people have to take special care of places where children play and
care of places where children play and
care of places where children play and sing and meet and eat they have to
sing and meet and eat they have to
sing and meet and eat they have to always check the trees that give us
always check the trees that give us
always check the trees that give us shade and protect us to make sure that
shade and protect us to make sure that
shade and protect us to make sure that they are always strong and safe and then
they are always strong and safe and then
they are always strong and safe and then those children looked again at Anais
those children looked again at Anais
those children looked again at Anais they looked up at me and they looked at
they looked up at me and they looked at
they looked up at me and they looked at her again and they looked at me and they
her again and they looked at me and they
her again and they looked at me and they said sorry sorry and I felt something
said sorry sorry and I felt something
said sorry sorry and I felt something shift in me I felt normal these children
shift in me I felt normal these children
shift in me I felt normal these children from the orphanage in Tanzania had the
from the orphanage in Tanzania had the
from the orphanage in Tanzania had the gift of love courage simplicity
gift of love courage simplicity
gift of love courage simplicity compassion and kindness I was seen they
compassion and kindness I was seen they
compassion and kindness I was seen they asked they listened they heard and they
asked they listened they heard and they
asked they listened they heard and they were sorry and they also had
were sorry and they also had
were sorry and they also had instinctively the gift of knowing to
instinctively the gift of knowing to
instinctively the gift of knowing to make a relationship with Anais and with
make a relationship with Anais and with
make a relationship with Anais and with me and out of that they asked their
me and out of that they asked their
me and out of that they asked their questions they were present
questions they were present
questions they were present and they were not afraid I know that
and they were not afraid I know that
and they were not afraid I know that everybody will have their own journey of
everybody will have their own journey of
everybody will have their own journey of grief if you unfortunate enough for this
grief if you unfortunate enough for this
grief if you unfortunate enough for this to happen this was mine and Tanzania
to happen this was mine and Tanzania
to happen this was mine and Tanzania saved my life when I came back I had new
saved my life when I came back I had new
saved my life when I came back I had new energy which I channeled into my writing
energy which I channeled into my writing
energy which I channeled into my writing and I gave birth to a play its title if
and I gave birth to a play its title if
and I gave birth to a play its title if a tree falls I was able through theater
a tree falls I was able through theater
a tree falls I was able through theater and art to have a voice to break the
and art to have a voice to break the
and art to have a voice to break the silence and talk about this terrible
silence and talk about this terrible
silence and talk about this terrible tragedy honor my daughter’s enthusiasm
tragedy honor my daughter’s enthusiasm
tragedy honor my daughter’s enthusiasm for life and her passion and love of
for life and her passion and love of
for life and her passion and love of nature and also I could talk openly
nature and also I could talk openly
nature and also I could talk openly about this taboo the unspeakable losing
about this taboo the unspeakable losing
about this taboo the unspeakable losing a child and this gave me a sense of
a child and this gave me a sense of
a child and this gave me a sense of strength inside all the chaos so today I
strength inside all the chaos so today I
strength inside all the chaos so today I stand for the other mothers whom I now
stand for the other mothers whom I now
stand for the other mothers whom I now know and also for families who’ve lost
know and also for families who’ve lost
know and also for families who’ve lost children and remember it’s families its
children and remember it’s families its
children and remember it’s families its siblings its grandparents and I’m
siblings its grandparents and I’m
siblings its grandparents and I’m grateful to be able to share with you
grateful to be able to share with you
grateful to be able to share with you what it is like to lose a child and also
what it is like to lose a child and also
what it is like to lose a child and also some of the things to say and not to say
some of the things to say and not to say
some of the things to say and not to say there’s a tendency when this grief goes
there’s a tendency when this grief goes
there’s a tendency when this grief goes on it goes on forever to start to
on it goes on forever to start to
on it goes on forever to start to isolate and to feel invisible and that’s
isolate and to feel invisible and that’s
isolate and to feel invisible and that’s bad so it’s incredibly important to keep
bad so it’s incredibly important to keep
bad so it’s incredibly important to keep reaching out a friend of mine told me
reaching out a friend of mine told me
reaching out a friend of mine told me that she heard her sixteen-year-old son
that she heard her sixteen-year-old son
that she heard her sixteen-year-old son speaking on the phone to an aunt in
speaking on the phone to an aunt in
speaking on the phone to an aunt in heavy grief and he said I don’t know
heavy grief and he said I don’t know
heavy grief and he said I don’t know what to say now that’s fine that’s
what to say now that’s fine that’s
what to say now that’s fine that’s authentic I love you and on
authentic I love you and on
authentic I love you and on always here for you and what I learned
always here for you and what I learned
always here for you and what I learned from the children and the experiencing
from the children and the experiencing
from the children and the experiencing Tanzania that it is so important to
Tanzania that it is so important to
Tanzania that it is so important to create a relationship that it
create a relationship that it
create a relationship that it acknowledges what happened I may look
acknowledges what happened I may look
acknowledges what happened I may look all right to you but inside my reality
all right to you but inside my reality
all right to you but inside my reality is so different I have a dead child now
so when that reality is acknowledged
so when that reality is acknowledged then we play we sang we had fun we had a
then we play we sang we had fun we had a
then we play we sang we had fun we had a wonderful time it wasn’t all doom and
wonderful time it wasn’t all doom and
wonderful time it wasn’t all doom and gloom now I know that people mean well
gloom now I know that people mean well
gloom now I know that people mean well and they want to help but too often what
and they want to help but too often what
and they want to help but too often what they say has a visceral negative shut
they say has a visceral negative shut
they say has a visceral negative shut down for me here are some examples I’m
down for me here are some examples I’m
down for me here are some examples I’m sorry for your loss
sorry for your loss
sorry for your loss how are you it’s good you have another
how are you it’s good you have another
how are you it’s good you have another child you seem to me to be so much
child you seem to me to be so much
child you seem to me to be so much better now may her memory be a blessing
better now may her memory be a blessing
better now may her memory be a blessing things change life will change time
things change life will change time
things change life will change time heals all let go move on I know it’s
heals all let go move on I know it’s
heals all let go move on I know it’s difficult but if you don’t know what to
difficult but if you don’t know what to
difficult but if you don’t know what to say ask the parents and if you make a
say ask the parents and if you make a
say ask the parents and if you make a mistake and say I’m sorry I want to be
mistake and say I’m sorry I want to be
mistake and say I’m sorry I want to be asked about Anais I want her name spoken
asked about Anais I want her name spoken
asked about Anais I want her name spoken and I also want to break down the taboo
and I also want to break down the taboo
and I also want to break down the taboo the fear that holds us apart
the fear that holds us apart
the fear that holds us apart death is not a contagious disease it
death is not a contagious disease it
death is not a contagious disease it happens across all demographics Anais
happens across all demographics Anais
happens across all demographics Anais died the grieving goes on it’s been
died the grieving goes on it’s been
died the grieving goes on it’s been nearly four years and I have goodish
nearly four years and I have goodish
nearly four years and I have goodish days and bad days and I expect it’ll go
days and bad days and I expect it’ll go
days and bad days and I expect it’ll go on like this forever
on like this forever
on like this forever when you go home today think about the
when you go home today think about the
when you go home today think about the people who are meaningful to you
people who are meaningful to you
people who are meaningful to you and phone them reach out show them you
and phone them reach out show them you
and phone them reach out show them you care stay in contact tell them that you
care stay in contact tell them that you
care stay in contact tell them that you love them because remember tomorrow is
love them because remember tomorrow is
love them because remember tomorrow is never promised
never promised
never promised [Applause]
”
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