[Applause] have you guys ever had an idea that was
have you guys ever had an idea that was
have you guys ever had an idea that was so big you knew instantly it was gonna
so big you knew instantly it was gonna
so big you knew instantly it was gonna change your life
change your life
change your life it felt absolutely perfect all the way
it felt absolutely perfect all the way
it felt absolutely perfect all the way down to your toes and you knew this
down to your toes and you knew this
down to your toes and you knew this wasn’t just one answer to your problems
wasn’t just one answer to your problems
wasn’t just one answer to your problems it was the answer all your friends
it was the answer all your friends
it was the answer all your friends listened they’ve wrapped you in a big
listened they’ve wrapped you in a big
listened they’ve wrapped you in a big hug then they smiled and said are you
hug then they smiled and said are you
hug then they smiled and said are you nuts you can’t do that we’re all just a
nuts you can’t do that we’re all just a
nuts you can’t do that we’re all just a little bit worried about you honey a few
little bit worried about you honey a few
little bit worried about you honey a few years ago I had an idea exactly like
years ago I had an idea exactly like
years ago I had an idea exactly like this it was huge it was life-changing
this it was huge it was life-changing
this it was huge it was life-changing and everyone thought I was nuts my idea
and everyone thought I was nuts my idea
and everyone thought I was nuts my idea was to build a house with my four kids
was to build a house with my four kids
was to build a house with my four kids to actually build it with our own hands
to actually build it with our own hands
to actually build it with our own hands now the catch is we’d never built
now the catch is we’d never built
now the catch is we’d never built anything larger than a bookshelf but we
anything larger than a bookshelf but we
anything larger than a bookshelf but we didn’t let that little detail slow us
didn’t let that little detail slow us
didn’t let that little detail slow us down we figured we could just build the
down we figured we could just build the
down we figured we could just build the whole thing by watching YouTube
whole thing by watching YouTube
whole thing by watching YouTube tutorials I know what you’re thinking
tutorials I know what you’re thinking
tutorials I know what you’re thinking your friends are right Cara that sounds
your friends are right Cara that sounds
your friends are right Cara that sounds a little bit crazy
a little bit crazy
a little bit crazy my kids were 17 year old hope 15 year
my kids were 17 year old hope 15 year
my kids were 17 year old hope 15 year old drew 11 year old Jada and two year
old drew 11 year old Jada and two year
old drew 11 year old Jada and two year old Roman a few teenagers and a toddler
old Roman a few teenagers and a toddler
old Roman a few teenagers and a toddler but this didn’t feel like a radical move
but this didn’t feel like a radical move
but this didn’t feel like a radical move to us not at the time it felt like the
to us not at the time it felt like the
to us not at the time it felt like the most logical idea in the world like
most logical idea in the world like
most logical idea in the world like exactly the thing that anyone in our
exactly the thing that anyone in our
exactly the thing that anyone in our situation would do like a slightly
situation would do like a slightly
situation would do like a slightly larger than usual IKEA project I mean I
larger than usual IKEA project I mean I
larger than usual IKEA project I mean I get it now I understand all of the
get it now I understand all of the
get it now I understand all of the people who looked at us like we had lost
people who looked at us like we had lost
people who looked at us like we had lost our minds I understand my parents and
our minds I understand my parents and
our minds I understand my parents and others same people trying to talk me out
others same people trying to talk me out
others same people trying to talk me out of this but we weren’t coming from a
of this but we weren’t coming from a
of this but we weren’t coming from a same situation for more than a decade we
same situation for more than a decade we
same situation for more than a decade we had been stalked and terrorized by a man
had been stalked and terrorized by a man
had been stalked and terrorized by a man with severe paranoid schizophrenia and
with severe paranoid schizophrenia and
with severe paranoid schizophrenia and when I married this muscled up guy who I
when I married this muscled up guy who I
when I married this muscled up guy who I thought would protect us he became
thought would protect us he became
thought would protect us he became physically abusive my kids learn to push
physically abusive my kids learn to push
physically abusive my kids learn to push their dressers in front of their doors
their dressers in front of their doors
their dressers in front of their doors to survive the night they learn to run
to survive the night they learn to run
to survive the night they learn to run and hide how to be
and hide how to be
and hide how to be small and how to be broken they didn’t
small and how to be broken they didn’t
small and how to be broken they didn’t know how to just relax and let their
know how to just relax and let their
know how to just relax and let their guard down how to laugh or communicate
guard down how to laugh or communicate
guard down how to laugh or communicate as a healthy family we had to spend
as a healthy family we had to spend
as a healthy family we had to spend trudging down this path of mere survival
trudging down this path of mere survival
trudging down this path of mere survival for too long and you know sometimes it
for too long and you know sometimes it
for too long and you know sometimes it takes that radical move to change your
takes that radical move to change your
takes that radical move to change your trajectory this big crazy idea that will
trajectory this big crazy idea that will
trajectory this big crazy idea that will shift your momentum toward a better path
shift your momentum toward a better path
shift your momentum toward a better path and this idea to build a house would
and this idea to build a house would
and this idea to build a house would become just that and yeah we knew it
become just that and yeah we knew it
become just that and yeah we knew it would be more difficult than a normal
would be more difficult than a normal
would be more difficult than a normal family project we knew it would be
family project we knew it would be
family project we knew it would be 20-hour days of hard physical labor
20-hour days of hard physical labor
20-hour days of hard physical labor but we weren’t a normal family we have
but we weren’t a normal family we have
but we weren’t a normal family we have been through hell
been through hell
been through hell imagine after a decade of abuse fear and
imagine after a decade of abuse fear and
imagine after a decade of abuse fear and stalking of waking up to find symbols
stalking of waking up to find symbols
stalking of waking up to find symbols drawn on your bedroom windows finding
drawn on your bedroom windows finding
drawn on your bedroom windows finding your pets tortured and holding a man at
your pets tortured and holding a man at
your pets tortured and holding a man at gunpoint until the police arrive imagine
gunpoint until the police arrive imagine
gunpoint until the police arrive imagine there hasn’t been a single thing that
there hasn’t been a single thing that
there hasn’t been a single thing that you and your kids can do to make your
you and your kids can do to make your
you and your kids can do to make your life better just to make it safe and
life better just to make it safe and
life better just to make it safe and then one morning I was driving the kids
then one morning I was driving the kids
then one morning I was driving the kids to school being one of those real
to school being one of those real
to school being one of those real overachiever moms I was warming
overachiever moms I was warming
overachiever moms I was warming two-year-old Romans blueberry Pop Tart
two-year-old Romans blueberry Pop Tart
two-year-old Romans blueberry Pop Tart over the heat mint and then I saw my
over the heat mint and then I saw my
over the heat mint and then I saw my kids in the mirror there slumped
kids in the mirror there slumped
kids in the mirror there slumped shoulders there haunted eyes and their
shoulders there haunted eyes and their
shoulders there haunted eyes and their small small futures I decided right then
small small futures I decided right then
small small futures I decided right then and there we were done with all these
and there we were done with all these
and there we were done with all these failed little baby steps we were going
failed little baby steps we were going
failed little baby steps we were going to do something big something so crazy
to do something big something so crazy
to do something big something so crazy and massive it would forever change the
and massive it would forever change the
and massive it would forever change the way we saw ourselves and what we were
way we saw ourselves and what we were
way we saw ourselves and what we were capable of we also needed a safe
capable of we also needed a safe
capable of we also needed a safe inexpensive place to live so when this
inexpensive place to live so when this
inexpensive place to live so when this idea to build a house popped into my
idea to build a house popped into my
idea to build a house popped into my head
head
head you bet we jumped on that it was the
you bet we jumped on that it was the
you bet we jumped on that it was the first spark of something bigger the
first spark of something bigger the
first spark of something bigger the first hint that we could take physical
first hint that we could take physical
first hint that we could take physical action to literally build ourselves a
action to literally build ourselves a
action to literally build ourselves a better life so we woke up every day we
better life so we woke up every day we
better life so we woke up every day we gave it everything
gave it everything
gave it everything we had and then we gave it some more
we had and then we gave it some more
we had and then we gave it some more there’s also a whole lot to be said for
there’s also a whole lot to be said for
there’s also a whole lot to be said for hitting things really hard with a hammer
hitting things really hard with a hammer
hitting things really hard with a hammer – for the power you feel when a saw
– for the power you feel when a saw
– for the power you feel when a saw blade rips through a sheet of plywood
blade rips through a sheet of plywood
blade rips through a sheet of plywood for how it feels to finally take action
for how it feels to finally take action
for how it feels to finally take action unless of course you get in over your
unless of course you get in over your
unless of course you get in over your head because as hard as it must be for
head because as hard as it must be for
head because as hard as it must be for you to believe that as a computer
you to believe that as a computer
you to believe that as a computer programmer and an author I didn’t
programmer and an author I didn’t
programmer and an author I didn’t actually know how to build a house it’s
actually know how to build a house it’s
actually know how to build a house it’s true I was clueless I mean I driven by
true I was clueless I mean I driven by
true I was clueless I mean I driven by construction sites in my lifetime and
construction sites in my lifetime and
construction sites in my lifetime and naturally I always thought exactly like
naturally I always thought exactly like
naturally I always thought exactly like you guys are thinking right now but
you guys are thinking right now but
you guys are thinking right now but that’s really not as hard as it looks
that’s really not as hard as it looks
that’s really not as hard as it looks not for the first time I cut myself in
not for the first time I cut myself in
not for the first time I cut myself in way over my head I seriously misjudged
way over my head I seriously misjudged
way over my head I seriously misjudged what we were getting into the kids and I
what we were getting into the kids and I
what we were getting into the kids and I had to actually Google how to set a
had to actually Google how to set a
had to actually Google how to set a foundation block how to frame a wall how
foundation block how to frame a wall how
foundation block how to frame a wall how to do plumbing how to run gas lines
to do plumbing how to run gas lines
to do plumbing how to run gas lines without blowing yourself up we looked up
without blowing yourself up we looked up
without blowing yourself up we looked up each one of these things on YouTube and
each one of these things on YouTube and
each one of these things on YouTube and then we built it and we did this over
then we built it and we did this over
then we built it and we did this over and over until we had an entire house
and over until we had an entire house
and over until we had an entire house and if you think about it that is
and if you think about it that is
and if you think about it that is exactly how every massive goal is ever
exactly how every massive goal is ever
exactly how every massive goal is ever achieved you just make one big can’t go
achieved you just make one big can’t go
achieved you just make one big can’t go back now decision and then follow it
back now decision and then follow it
back now decision and then follow it with lots of smaller leaps that just
with lots of smaller leaps that just
with lots of smaller leaps that just keep you moving forward I can remember
keep you moving forward I can remember
keep you moving forward I can remember though the very first day I saw my four
though the very first day I saw my four
though the very first day I saw my four kids standing out on this construction
kids standing out on this construction
kids standing out on this construction site in front of this enormous pile of
site in front of this enormous pile of
site in front of this enormous pile of 1,500 concrete blocks next to this
1,500 concrete blocks next to this
1,500 concrete blocks next to this mountain of two-by-fours and pipes and
mountain of two-by-fours and pipes and
mountain of two-by-fours and pipes and nails they looked so incredibly small
nails they looked so incredibly small
nails they looked so incredibly small standing there in worn-out old blue
standing there in worn-out old blue
standing there in worn-out old blue jeans plastic bags on their feet inside
jeans plastic bags on their feet inside
jeans plastic bags on their feet inside of their old tennis shoes because we
of their old tennis shoes because we
of their old tennis shoes because we didn’t even own rubber boots their
didn’t even own rubber boots their
didn’t even own rubber boots their little lips quivering in the winter cold
little lips quivering in the winter cold
little lips quivering in the winter cold I was as scared in that moment as I have
I was as scared in that moment as I have
I was as scared in that moment as I have ever been in my entire life who wouldn’t
ever been in my entire life who wouldn’t
ever been in my entire life who wouldn’t be
be
be I just armed my
I just armed my
I just armed my teenagers with power saws nail guns and
teenagers with power saws nail guns and
teenagers with power saws nail guns and a hammer drill but also because I knew
a hammer drill but also because I knew
a hammer drill but also because I knew in that moment that every single day for
in that moment that every single day for
in that moment that every single day for the rest of our lives from this one
the rest of our lives from this one
the rest of our lives from this one forward would in some way be shaped by
forward would in some way be shaped by
forward would in some way be shaped by our level of success on this crazy
our level of success on this crazy
our level of success on this crazy project and what if we failed I had to
project and what if we failed I had to
project and what if we failed I had to keep fighting back this idea that what
keep fighting back this idea that what
keep fighting back this idea that what if instead of empowering my kids I just
if instead of empowering my kids I just
if instead of empowering my kids I just set them up for the biggest failure of
set them up for the biggest failure of
set them up for the biggest failure of their lives because I knew standing
their lives because I knew standing
their lives because I knew standing there with bread bags inside my horn
there with bread bags inside my horn
there with bread bags inside my horn tennis shoes
tennis shoes
tennis shoes I knew we could fail exactly like every
I knew we could fail exactly like every
I knew we could fail exactly like every person who heard about this project had
person who heard about this project had
person who heard about this project had said we would my kids couldn’t take
said we would my kids couldn’t take
said we would my kids couldn’t take another failure neither could I lucky
another failure neither could I lucky
another failure neither could I lucky for us I made one risky move at the
for us I made one risky move at the
for us I made one risky move at the beginning of this project that
beginning of this project that
beginning of this project that guaranteed our success i sabotaged our
guaranteed our success i sabotaged our
guaranteed our success i sabotaged our retreat by spending every last penny on
retreat by spending every last penny on
retreat by spending every last penny on these piles of supplies to build this
these piles of supplies to build this
these piles of supplies to build this house there was no way out the only way
house there was no way out the only way
house there was no way out the only way forward was the puzzle it all together
forward was the puzzle it all together
forward was the puzzle it all together into a house and we had exactly nine
into a house and we had exactly nine
into a house and we had exactly nine months to do it are we default on the
months to do it are we default on the
months to do it are we default on the construction loan I’d taken out to buy
construction loan I’d taken out to buy
construction loan I’d taken out to buy these supplies the stakes were high
these supplies the stakes were high
these supplies the stakes were high the pressure was high and we’d been so
the pressure was high and we’d been so
the pressure was high and we’d been so low for so long sometimes I had a really
low for so long sometimes I had a really
low for so long sometimes I had a really hard time measuring out especially in
hard time measuring out especially in
hard time measuring out especially in the early stages when one of the first
the early stages when one of the first
the early stages when one of the first things that I had to do was to somehow
things that I had to do was to somehow
things that I had to do was to somehow bring water onto this construction site
bring water onto this construction site
bring water onto this construction site now unfortunately my plumber was
now unfortunately my plumber was
now unfortunately my plumber was absolutely terrified of looking our
absolutely terrified of looking our
absolutely terrified of looking our water line down into the city main maybe
water line down into the city main maybe
water line down into the city main maybe I should mention I was my plumber but
I should mention I was my plumber but
I should mention I was my plumber but not only was that water main more than
not only was that water main more than
not only was that water main more than 250 feet from our foundation it was on
250 feet from our foundation it was on
250 feet from our foundation it was on the other side of the street and the guy
the other side of the street and the guy
the other side of the street and the guy down at the permit office had told me
down at the permit office had told me
down at the permit office had told me rather sternly that if I collapsed the
rather sternly that if I collapsed the
rather sternly that if I collapsed the street I would have to fix it now
street I would have to fix it now
street I would have to fix it now becoming a street maker was even lower
becoming a street maker was even lower
becoming a street maker was even lower on my list of career goals than becoming
on my list of career goals than becoming
on my list of career goals than becoming a house builder so of course
a house builder so of course
a house builder so of course I just kept putting it off proving that
I just kept putting it off proving that
I just kept putting it off proving that my plumber was also a coward coward or
my plumber was also a coward coward or
my plumber was also a coward coward or not we still had to build this entire
not we still had to build this entire
not we still had to build this entire house in this very short nine-month
house in this very short nine-month
house in this very short nine-month deadline which meant to build the entire
deadline which meant to build the entire
deadline which meant to build the entire foundation of the house process for
foundation of the house process for
foundation of the house process for which water happens to be essential the
which water happens to be essential the
which water happens to be essential the kids and I had to hike down to the
kids and I had to hike down to the
kids and I had to hike down to the neighbor’s pond carrying five-gallon
neighbor’s pond carrying five-gallon
neighbor’s pond carrying five-gallon pails in December in January
pails in December in January
pails in December in January we’d scoop up the water head back up and
we’d scoop up the water head back up and
we’d scoop up the water head back up and dump it in a wheelbarrow where we hand
dump it in a wheelbarrow where we hand
dump it in a wheelbarrow where we hand mix the mortar to set 1,500 concrete
mix the mortar to set 1,500 concrete
mix the mortar to set 1,500 concrete blocks and build a foundation that’s
blocks and build a foundation that’s
blocks and build a foundation that’s more than seven feet tall in the front
more than seven feet tall in the front
more than seven feet tall in the front and yeah I said we hand mix that mortar
and yeah I said we hand mix that mortar
and yeah I said we hand mix that mortar don’t even get me started on the state
don’t even get me started on the state
don’t even get me started on the state of my electrician after we finally had
of my electrician after we finally had
of my electrician after we finally had all of these concrete blocks backed up
all of these concrete blocks backed up
all of these concrete blocks backed up and stuck together using pails of water
and stuck together using pails of water
and stuck together using pails of water we still had to fill that entire
we still had to fill that entire
we still had to fill that entire foundation with this powdered granite 26
foundation with this powdered granite 26
foundation with this powdered granite 26 dump truck loads that we moved by hand
dump truck loads that we moved by hand
dump truck loads that we moved by hand with shovels so not only did we have a
with shovels so not only did we have a
with shovels so not only did we have a woman a few teenagers and the toddler
woman a few teenagers and the toddler
woman a few teenagers and the toddler building a house we were doing it kind
building a house we were doing it kind
building a house we were doing it kind of like you would in a third-world
of like you would in a third-world
of like you would in a third-world country there were my kids dragging
country there were my kids dragging
country there were my kids dragging these concrete blocks across the mud
these concrete blocks across the mud
these concrete blocks across the mud because they didn’t have the muscle yet
because they didn’t have the muscle yet
because they didn’t have the muscle yet to lift them there they were hauling
to lift them there they were hauling
to lift them there they were hauling bucket after bucket of water up from
bucket after bucket of water up from
bucket after bucket of water up from this half frozen pond there they were
this half frozen pond there they were
this half frozen pond there they were laughing at me for falling on my butt in
laughing at me for falling on my butt in
laughing at me for falling on my butt in this muddy mess again but what do you
this muddy mess again but what do you
this muddy mess again but what do you know there we all work together building
know there we all work together building
know there we all work together building the impossible and after we had this
the impossible and after we had this
the impossible and after we had this foundation finally finished and I
foundation finally finished and I
foundation finally finished and I gathered the courage to hook that water
gathered the courage to hook that water
gathered the courage to hook that water line down into the city main it was
line down into the city main it was
line down into the city main it was actually no big deal went off without a
actually no big deal went off without a
actually no big deal went off without a hitch countless times my kids and I
hitch countless times my kids and I
hitch countless times my kids and I would crowd around some daunting new
would crowd around some daunting new
would crowd around some daunting new project without a single clue between us
project without a single clue between us
project without a single clue between us of how we were supposed to accomplish a
of how we were supposed to accomplish a
of how we were supposed to accomplish a diagonal wall or maybe a staircase
diagonal wall or maybe a staircase
diagonal wall or maybe a staircase landing so I would shout bring me a 2×6
landing so I would shout bring me a 2×6
landing so I would shout bring me a 2×6 I’ll make the first cut
I’ll make the first cut
I’ll make the first cut when the one and only thing I knew for
when the one and only thing I knew for
when the one and only thing I knew for certain was that this was not how you do
certain was that this was not how you do
certain was that this was not how you do it but it was my job to keep the
it but it was my job to keep the
it but it was my job to keep the momentum going to keep the confidence up
momentum going to keep the confidence up
momentum going to keep the confidence up to fake it until I figured it out so
to fake it until I figured it out so
to fake it until I figured it out so there I was moving a saw blade across a
there I was moving a saw blade across a
there I was moving a saw blade across a board at a snail’s pace well I tried to
board at a snail’s pace well I tried to
board at a snail’s pace well I tried to work out the next move in my head
work out the next move in my head
work out the next move in my head hoping I would be one step closer to the
hoping I would be one step closer to the
hoping I would be one step closer to the right move our confidence grew every
right move our confidence grew every
right move our confidence grew every time it took less than six tries to get
time it took less than six tries to get
time it took less than six tries to get something right
something right
something right I passed my framing inspections and my
I passed my framing inspections and my
I passed my framing inspections and my plumbing inspections we laid hardwood
plumbing inspections we laid hardwood
plumbing inspections we laid hardwood and tile we painted trim sidewalks and
and tile we painted trim sidewalks and
and tile we painted trim sidewalks and flower beds
flower beds
flower beds I ran gas lines without blowing anyone
I ran gas lines without blowing anyone
I ran gas lines without blowing anyone up I have lived in the house we built
up I have lived in the house we built
up I have lived in the house we built for nine years
for nine years
for nine years it’s a 3,500 square foot house with five
it’s a 3,500 square foot house with five
it’s a 3,500 square foot house with five bedrooms three bathrooms and a
bedrooms three bathrooms and a
bedrooms three bathrooms and a floor-to-ceiling library plus a
floor-to-ceiling library plus a
floor-to-ceiling library plus a three-car garage an enormous shop in a
three-car garage an enormous shop in a
three-car garage an enormous shop in a two-story treehouse and every single day
two-story treehouse and every single day
two-story treehouse and every single day my kids wake up surrounded by this proof
my kids wake up surrounded by this proof
my kids wake up surrounded by this proof that our minds and our bodies can do
that our minds and our bodies can do
that our minds and our bodies can do incredible things we built this house
incredible things we built this house
incredible things we built this house and we rebuilt our family today my kids
and we rebuilt our family today my kids
and we rebuilt our family today my kids are plowing through life with fearless
are plowing through life with fearless
are plowing through life with fearless determination there’s no sign of those
determination there’s no sign of those
determination there’s no sign of those small broken kits
small broken kits
small broken kits who knew too well how to hide my oldest
who knew too well how to hide my oldest
who knew too well how to hide my oldest daughter hope runs her own business and
daughter hope runs her own business and
daughter hope runs her own business and will soon star in her own television
will soon star in her own television
will soon star in her own television show my son Drew moved up to Alaska
show my son Drew moved up to Alaska
show my son Drew moved up to Alaska where he explored climbed ice walls and
where he explored climbed ice walls and
where he explored climbed ice walls and other crazy things that sound awesome if
other crazy things that sound awesome if
other crazy things that sound awesome if someone else’s kid is doing them
someone else’s kid is doing them
someone else’s kid is doing them my daughter Jada moved into the Ozark
my daughter Jada moved into the Ozark
my daughter Jada moved into the Ozark Mountains for a while and lived in a
Mountains for a while and lived in a
Mountains for a while and lived in a tent through snow storms so she could
tent through snow storms so she could
tent through snow storms so she could learn to build a straw bale house milk
learn to build a straw bale house milk
learn to build a straw bale house milk goats and live sustainably the youngest
goats and live sustainably the youngest
goats and live sustainably the youngest little Roman runs his own YouTube
little Roman runs his own YouTube
little Roman runs his own YouTube channel makes swords in my backyard and
channel makes swords in my backyard and
channel makes swords in my backyard and has the biggest most fearless plans for
has the biggest most fearless plans for
has the biggest most fearless plans for his future my kids and I came out the
his future my kids and I came out the
his future my kids and I came out the other side of trauma thinking the most
other side of trauma thinking the most
other side of trauma thinking the most important thing we needed was this place
important thing we needed was this place
important thing we needed was this place to live
to live
to live if this story our story it was never
if this story our story it was never
if this story our story it was never about a house it was this process of
about a house it was this process of
about a house it was this process of building a house together that taught us
building a house together that taught us
building a house together that taught us how I determined family can turn trauma
how I determined family can turn trauma
how I determined family can turn trauma into power and fear into courage as
into power and fear into courage as
into power and fear into courage as proof that we can all build ourselves a
proof that we can all build ourselves a
proof that we can all build ourselves a life without limits thank you
life without limits thank you
life without limits thank you [Applause]
”
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