growing up the library was my home away from home
from home
from home every day my big sister
every day my big sister
every day my big sister brother and I would walk the two miles
brother and I would walk the two miles
brother and I would walk the two miles each way to escape into our own little
each way to escape into our own little
each way to escape into our own little haven we loved books so much so that in
haven we loved books so much so that in
haven we loved books so much so that in a few short years we probably read every
a few short years we probably read every
a few short years we probably read every book in the children’s section when I
book in the children’s section when I
book in the children’s section when I was six I read a story about a lucky
was six I read a story about a lucky
was six I read a story about a lucky little girl and her marvellous birthday
little girl and her marvellous birthday
little girl and her marvellous birthday party pony rides giant cake cotton candy
party pony rides giant cake cotton candy
party pony rides giant cake cotton candy balloons I’d never had a birthday party
balloons I’d never had a birthday party
balloons I’d never had a birthday party I bounced around from foster home to
I bounced around from foster home to
I bounced around from foster home to foster home more times than I could
foster home more times than I could
foster home more times than I could remember that afternoon I returned home
remember that afternoon I returned home
remember that afternoon I returned home and I was determined to ask my new
and I was determined to ask my new
and I was determined to ask my new foster mom if I could have a birthday
foster mom if I could have a birthday
foster mom if I could have a birthday party I walk up to her in the kitchen
party I walk up to her in the kitchen
party I walk up to her in the kitchen excuse me can I have a birthday party
excuse me can I have a birthday party
excuse me can I have a birthday party with cake and balloons please after a
with cake and balloons please after a
with cake and balloons please after a few seconds she gazes at me do you think
few seconds she gazes at me do you think
few seconds she gazes at me do you think you deserve one I kind of froze I didn’t
you deserve one I kind of froze I didn’t
you deserve one I kind of froze I didn’t have a good response that maybe I don’t
have a good response that maybe I don’t
have a good response that maybe I don’t deserve one maybe I’m a bad girl maybe
deserve one maybe I’m a bad girl maybe
deserve one maybe I’m a bad girl maybe I’m not good enough I don’t know I just
I’m not good enough I don’t know I just
I’m not good enough I don’t know I just look up back at her and I I guess I
look up back at her and I I guess I
look up back at her and I I guess I don’t really want a birthday party okay
don’t really want a birthday party okay
don’t really want a birthday party okay fine
fine
fine I never asked for another birthday party
I never asked for another birthday party
I never asked for another birthday party I’m 41 years old and that still lingers
I’m 41 years old and that still lingers
I’m 41 years old and that still lingers with me isn’t it crazy how one little
with me isn’t it crazy how one little
with me isn’t it crazy how one little statement can have such an impact an
statement can have such an impact an
statement can have such an impact an unintended impact now fast-forward 15
unintended impact now fast-forward 15
unintended impact now fast-forward 15 years
years
years fresh out of college there I am as a
fresh out of college there I am as a
fresh out of college there I am as a teacher at an elementary school in
teacher at an elementary school in
teacher at an elementary school in Inglewood California now the roles are
Inglewood California now the roles are
Inglewood California now the roles are reversed and I’m the adult
reversed and I’m the adult
reversed and I’m the adult talking to the six-year-olds it’s report
talking to the six-year-olds it’s report
talking to the six-year-olds it’s report card conference time and all these small
card conference time and all these small
card conference time and all these small humans with enough energy to fuel a
humans with enough energy to fuel a
humans with enough energy to fuel a rocket ship doesn’t scare me but their
rocket ship doesn’t scare me but their
rocket ship doesn’t scare me but their parents on the other hand many of them
parents on the other hand many of them
parents on the other hand many of them are notorious gang members my first
are notorious gang members my first
are notorious gang members my first parent conference the mom red lips
parent conference the mom red lips
parent conference the mom red lips perfectly drawn eyebrows with the tattoo
perfectly drawn eyebrows with the tattoo
perfectly drawn eyebrows with the tattoo across her chest
across her chest
across her chest the father shaved head baggy black pants
the father shaved head baggy black pants
the father shaved head baggy black pants with not one but two teardrop tattoos
with not one but two teardrop tattoos
with not one but two teardrop tattoos below his eye I don’t know if you know
below his eye I don’t know if you know
below his eye I don’t know if you know this but teardrop tattoos below the eye
this but teardrop tattoos below the eye
this but teardrop tattoos below the eye means people have been killed so I start
means people have been killed so I start
means people have been killed so I start with the positives
with the positives
with the positives David is a smart boy and loves to learn
David is a smart boy and loves to learn
David is a smart boy and loves to learn smiles from both parents
smiles from both parents
smiles from both parents next comes his low behavior grade my
next comes his low behavior grade my
next comes his low behavior grade my voice gets shaky David’s behavior needs
voice gets shaky David’s behavior needs
voice gets shaky David’s behavior needs improvement he doesn’t do what I asked
improvement he doesn’t do what I asked
improvement he doesn’t do what I asked him to do I say no he does yes I say yes
him to do I say no he does yes I say yes
him to do I say no he does yes I say yes he thinks no and the parents look at
he thinks no and the parents look at
he thinks no and the parents look at each other and they look at me and the
each other and they look at me and the
each other and they look at me and the mom asked so what are you saying miss
mom asked so what are you saying miss
mom asked so what are you saying miss Tam David’s a bad kid no no no no no not
Tam David’s a bad kid no no no no no not
Tam David’s a bad kid no no no no no not at all David’s a good kid
at all David’s a good kid
at all David’s a good kid I try to be direct and to-the-point with
I try to be direct and to-the-point with
I try to be direct and to-the-point with the students David just doesn’t seem to
the students David just doesn’t seem to
the students David just doesn’t seem to listen let me ask you this
listen let me ask you this
listen let me ask you this when you ask him to do something does he
when you ask him to do something does he
when you ask him to do something does he do it
do it
do it well not really I asked him two or three
well not really I asked him two or three
well not really I asked him two or three times to clean his room and when he
times to clean his room and when he
times to clean his room and when he doesn’t I just give up
doesn’t I just give up
doesn’t I just give up hmm but when I tell him he can’t ride
hmm but when I tell him he can’t ride
hmm but when I tell him he can’t ride his bike until he does what he’s
his bike until he does what he’s
his bike until he does what he’s supposed to do he cleans his room and
supposed to do he cleans his room and
supposed to do he cleans his room and finishes his tours i catalogued this
finishes his tours i catalogued this
finishes his tours i catalogued this information very interesting I survive
information very interesting I survive
information very interesting I survive report card conferences finish another
report card conferences finish another
report card conferences finish another year in Englewood and I’m off to grad
year in Englewood and I’m off to grad
year in Englewood and I’m off to grad school and my new teaching position in
school and my new teaching position in
school and my new teaching position in sunny Santa Barbara my new class has
sunny Santa Barbara my new class has
sunny Santa Barbara my new class has only 20 kids very educated parents and
only 20 kids very educated parents and
only 20 kids very educated parents and every socio-economic advantage you can
every socio-economic advantage you can
every socio-economic advantage you can think of cush gig right
think of cush gig right
think of cush gig right not so fast no matter how clear and
not so fast no matter how clear and
not so fast no matter how clear and direct I think I am there’s still
direct I think I am there’s still
direct I think I am there’s still students I don’t reach the problems and
students I don’t reach the problems and
students I don’t reach the problems and barriers aren’t really that different
barriers aren’t really that different
barriers aren’t really that different same as Inglewood just swap the tattoos
same as Inglewood just swap the tattoos
same as Inglewood just swap the tattoos for Blazers and ties my first parent
for Blazers and ties my first parent
for Blazers and ties my first parent conference the mom pink lip gloss
conference the mom pink lip gloss
conference the mom pink lip gloss manicured nails matching pink cardigan
manicured nails matching pink cardigan
manicured nails matching pink cardigan the dad blue blazer pressed khakis and
the dad blue blazer pressed khakis and
the dad blue blazer pressed khakis and not one but two cellphones
not one but two cellphones
not one but two cellphones I can say that because I have two cell
I can say that because I have two cell
I can say that because I have two cell phones so I start with the formula and
phones so I start with the formula and
phones so I start with the formula and focus on that start with the positives
focus on that start with the positives
focus on that start with the positives Brian is smart and loves to learn same
Brian is smart and loves to learn same
Brian is smart and loves to learn same approving nods but when I tell these
approving nods but when I tell these
approving nods but when I tell these parents Brian’s behavior needs
parents Brian’s behavior needs
parents Brian’s behavior needs improvement this mom says so what are
improvement this mom says so what are
improvement this mom says so what are you saying miss Tam Brian’s not a bad
you saying miss Tam Brian’s not a bad
you saying miss Tam Brian’s not a bad boy
boy
boy maybe you’re just a bad teacher
ouch I wasn’t prepared for that
ouch I wasn’t prepared for that that comment swirls in my head and stays
that comment swirls in my head and stays
that comment swirls in my head and stays with me maybe there’s some truth to that
with me maybe there’s some truth to that
with me maybe there’s some truth to that a few years in my frustration and
a few years in my frustration and
a few years in my frustration and curiosity is building I want to reach
curiosity is building I want to reach
curiosity is building I want to reach all my students but I’m not it’s not
all my students but I’m not it’s not
all my students but I’m not it’s not just behavior I’ve taught all grades I
just behavior I’ve taught all grades I
just behavior I’ve taught all grades I want to know why some students just
want to know why some students just
want to know why some students just don’t grasp the math concept or the
don’t grasp the math concept or the
don’t grasp the math concept or the storyline if I reach the kids in
storyline if I reach the kids in
storyline if I reach the kids in inglewood and not those in Santa Barbara
inglewood and not those in Santa Barbara
inglewood and not those in Santa Barbara vice versa I can attribute this to all
vice versa I can attribute this to all
vice versa I can attribute this to all kinds of factors involving my background
kinds of factors involving my background
kinds of factors involving my background and theirs it’s simply not the case the
and theirs it’s simply not the case the
and theirs it’s simply not the case the next few years I dive into discovery I
next few years I dive into discovery I
next few years I dive into discovery I read countless teacher books attend
read countless teacher books attend
read countless teacher books attend countless teacher conferences I picked
countless teacher conferences I picked
countless teacher conferences I picked the brains of every veteran teacher I
the brains of every veteran teacher I
the brains of every veteran teacher I know I am NOT going to be a bad teacher
know I am NOT going to be a bad teacher
know I am NOT going to be a bad teacher anymore I start to experiment with my
anymore I start to experiment with my
anymore I start to experiment with my students for example instead of giving
students for example instead of giving
students for example instead of giving direct orders some of my students
direct orders some of my students
direct orders some of my students respond better when I kind of drop some
respond better when I kind of drop some
respond better when I kind of drop some hints I began to experience more success
hints I began to experience more success
hints I began to experience more success in the classroom and what I’m really
in the classroom and what I’m really
in the classroom and what I’m really surprised about is how these little
surprised about is how these little
surprised about is how these little lessons have helped me when I moved on
lessons have helped me when I moved on
lessons have helped me when I moved on to other careers
to other careers
to other careers because I start to notice misaligned
because I start to notice misaligned
because I start to notice misaligned messages everywhere I look
messages everywhere I look
messages everywhere I look my working curiosity led me to notice
my working curiosity led me to notice
my working curiosity led me to notice psychologist dr. John Kappas he’s the
psychologist dr. John Kappas he’s the
psychologist dr. John Kappas he’s the expert of the subconscious and also
expert of the subconscious and also
expert of the subconscious and also known for his breakthrough research in
known for his breakthrough research in
known for his breakthrough research in how people communicate for a long time
how people communicate for a long time
how people communicate for a long time there was a portion of his client base
there was a portion of his client base
there was a portion of his client base that he was unable to reach things only
that he was unable to reach things only
that he was unable to reach things only improved when he realized he needed to
improved when he realized he needed to
improved when he realized he needed to analyze the way his clients preferred
analyze the way his clients preferred
analyze the way his clients preferred method of receiving information what I
method of receiving information what I
method of receiving information what I extrapolated from dr. Kappas is research
extrapolated from dr. Kappas is research
extrapolated from dr. Kappas is research that always creates a massive paradigm
that always creates a massive paradigm
that always creates a massive paradigm shift from my clients is simply we
shift from my clients is simply we
shift from my clients is simply we process communication in one of two ways
process communication in one of two ways
process communication in one of two ways literally or inferentially a literal
literally or inferentially a literal
literally or inferentially a literal language listener processes incoming
language listener processes incoming
language listener processes incoming language more literally and directly an
language more literally and directly an
language more literally and directly an inferential listener is someone who is
inferential listener is someone who is
inferential listener is someone who is more analytical and reads between the
more analytical and reads between the
more analytical and reads between the lines of what is being said the catch is
lines of what is being said the catch is
lines of what is being said the catch is we hear one way and we speak another one
we hear one way and we speak another one
we hear one way and we speak another one would be our primary listening style the
would be our primary listening style the
would be our primary listening style the other our primary speaking style the
other our primary speaking style the
other our primary speaking style the amazing reality and research confirms
amazing reality and research confirms
amazing reality and research confirms this
this
this if you speak literal your most certain
if you speak literal your most certain
if you speak literal your most certain to speak inferential people often ask me
to speak inferential people often ask me
to speak inferential people often ask me how long I’ve been in this line of work
how long I’ve been in this line of work
how long I’ve been in this line of work helping leaders and companies deliver
helping leaders and companies deliver
helping leaders and companies deliver messages that deliver results and the
messages that deliver results and the
messages that deliver results and the truth is I began my research back when I
truth is I began my research back when I
truth is I began my research back when I was six from that incident when I didn’t
was six from that incident when I didn’t
was six from that incident when I didn’t get that birthday party and I wondered
get that birthday party and I wondered
get that birthday party and I wondered why this isn’t just me each of us
why this isn’t just me each of us
why this isn’t just me each of us developed our language and process
developed our language and process
developed our language and process styles
styles
styles when we had our early experiences with
when we had our early experiences with
when we had our early experiences with our mother’s father’s grandparents and
our mother’s father’s grandparents and
our mother’s father’s grandparents and caregivers our language style is
caregivers our language style is
caregivers our language style is embedded in our subconscious and it just
embedded in our subconscious and it just
embedded in our subconscious and it just becomes a habit learning this made me
becomes a habit learning this made me
becomes a habit learning this made me realize three things the first I really
realize three things the first I really
realize three things the first I really screwed up my first few years of
screwed up my first few years of
screwed up my first few years of teaching the second my direct littoral
teaching the second my direct littoral
teaching the second my direct littoral communication was a complete mismatch
communication was a complete mismatch
communication was a complete mismatch for my students who needed to hear
for my students who needed to hear
for my students who needed to hear things inferential II and lastly
things inferential II and lastly
things inferential II and lastly countless leaders in all walks of life
countless leaders in all walks of life
countless leaders in all walks of life professors managers CEOs parents and
professors managers CEOs parents and
professors managers CEOs parents and even presidents are frequently
even presidents are frequently
even presidents are frequently miscommunicating the good news I can
miscommunicating the good news I can
miscommunicating the good news I can change we all can change my way or the
change we all can change my way or the
change we all can change my way or the highway leadership is a thing of the
highway leadership is a thing of the
highway leadership is a thing of the past the key is adapting our secondary
past the key is adapting our secondary
past the key is adapting our secondary speaking style when our primary style is
speaking style when our primary style is
speaking style when our primary style is not effective think of this like your
not effective think of this like your
not effective think of this like your right and left hand
right and left hand
right and left hand you favor one over the other but you use
you favor one over the other but you use
you favor one over the other but you use both when you get to the point of being
both when you get to the point of being
both when you get to the point of being able to interchange your primary and
able to interchange your primary and
able to interchange your primary and secondary speaking style with the snap
secondary speaking style with the snap
secondary speaking style with the snap of the fingers you would be an
of the fingers you would be an
of the fingers you would be an ambidextrous communicator so first
ambidextrous communicator so first
ambidextrous communicator so first things first in order to start the
things first in order to start the
things first in order to start the process of change we must all activate
process of change we must all activate
process of change we must all activate our secondary speaking style if you are
our secondary speaking style if you are
our secondary speaking style if you are primarily an inferential speaker you
primarily an inferential speaker you
primarily an inferential speaker you like to talk some of you a lot but when
like to talk some of you a lot but when
like to talk some of you a lot but when you’re speaking to a literal listener be
you’re speaking to a literal listener be
you’re speaking to a literal listener be more concise clearly Express what you’re
more concise clearly Express what you’re
more concise clearly Express what you’re trying to say if you’re primarily a
trying to say if you’re primarily a
trying to say if you’re primarily a literal speaker you’re more brief and
literal speaker you’re more brief and
literal speaker you’re more brief and direct when speaking to an inferential
direct when speaking to an inferential
direct when speaking to an inferential listener paint a vivid picture share all
listener paint a vivid picture share all
listener paint a vivid picture share all the D
the D
the D tails maybe be a bit more subtle
tails maybe be a bit more subtle
tails maybe be a bit more subtle all this miscommunication could be fixed
all this miscommunication could be fixed
all this miscommunication could be fixed with the twist of a few words and a few
with the twist of a few words and a few
with the twist of a few words and a few sentences my drive to change my speaking
sentences my drive to change my speaking
sentences my drive to change my speaking style is to be understood when I want
style is to be understood when I want
style is to be understood when I want something I want to know how to say it
something I want to know how to say it
something I want to know how to say it so I get it and preferably right now
so I get it and preferably right now
so I get it and preferably right now don’t you recently I was working with
don’t you recently I was working with
don’t you recently I was working with the company who had team members who had
the company who had team members who had
the company who had team members who had high resistance towards their managers I
high resistance towards their managers I
high resistance towards their managers I observed the manager speaking to his
observed the manager speaking to his
observed the manager speaking to his team
team
team okay guys reports are due this Friday
okay guys reports are due this Friday
okay guys reports are due this Friday everyone should have theirs on my desk
everyone should have theirs on my desk
everyone should have theirs on my desk by 5:00 p.m. Thanks or look at one of
by 5:00 p.m. Thanks or look at one of
by 5:00 p.m. Thanks or look at one of his emails it’s obvious that his primary
his emails it’s obvious that his primary
his emails it’s obvious that his primary speaking style is literal although he
speaking style is literal although he
speaking style is literal although he was polite as soon as he left the room
was polite as soon as he left the room
was polite as soon as he left the room the inferential listeners resisted
the inferential listeners resisted
the inferential listeners resisted he’s so bossy why does he want us to
he’s so bossy why does he want us to
he’s so bossy why does he want us to stay here until five o’clock on a Friday
stay here until five o’clock on a Friday
stay here until five o’clock on a Friday he said should so maybe we don’t have to
he said should so maybe we don’t have to
he said should so maybe we don’t have to some of them missed the deadline in
some of them missed the deadline in
some of them missed the deadline in complete defiance
complete defiance
complete defiance now that the manager knows he has both
now that the manager knows he has both
now that the manager knows he has both types of listeners what do you think
types of listeners what do you think
types of listeners what do you think would have happened if he had said I’m
would have happened if he had said I’m
would have happened if he had said I’m looking forward to seeing everyone’s
looking forward to seeing everyone’s
looking forward to seeing everyone’s reports let’s all pull together to get
reports let’s all pull together to get
reports let’s all pull together to get these done soon and get the bonuses see
these done soon and get the bonuses see
these done soon and get the bonuses see you this Friday if not sooner Thanks
you this Friday if not sooner Thanks
you this Friday if not sooner Thanks this says the reports are due Friday and
this says the reports are due Friday and
this says the reports are due Friday and most can infer by five o’clock and a
most can infer by five o’clock and a
most can infer by five o’clock and a work day and when we tried it not only
work day and when we tried it not only
work day and when we tried it not only did he deliver a message that brought
did he deliver a message that brought
did he deliver a message that brought results some employees turned in the
results some employees turned in the
results some employees turned in the reports sooner and left early on Friday
reports sooner and left early on Friday
reports sooner and left early on Friday it’s a win-win for everybody on the flip
it’s a win-win for everybody on the flip
it’s a win-win for everybody on the flip side
side
side here’s communication from a different
here’s communication from a different
here’s communication from a different manager that is more
manager that is more
manager that is more inferential as you can see this can be
inferential as you can see this can be
inferential as you can see this can be confusing to a literal listener
confusing to a literal listener
confusing to a literal listener what does not having too many plans mean
what does not having too many plans mean
what does not having too many plans mean should I scrap the project I’m working
should I scrap the project I’m working
should I scrap the project I’m working on
on
on does he think I don’t know what I’m
does he think I don’t know what I’m
does he think I don’t know what I’m doing at the very least this manager has
doing at the very least this manager has
doing at the very least this manager has an employee that is frustrated and
an employee that is frustrated and
an employee that is frustrated and confused but at worst he now has an
confused but at worst he now has an
confused but at worst he now has an employee that feels tension towards him
employee that feels tension towards him
employee that feels tension towards him most likely feels underappreciated
most likely feels underappreciated
most likely feels underappreciated and Michael managed all because of a
and Michael managed all because of a
and Michael managed all because of a misaligned message we’re all more apt to
misaligned message we’re all more apt to
misaligned message we’re all more apt to get what we want if we can modify our
get what we want if we can modify our
get what we want if we can modify our speaking style to our listener style
speaking style to our listener style
speaking style to our listener style follow these steps to hear one way and
follow these steps to hear one way and
follow these steps to hear one way and speak another and avoid miscommunication
speak another and avoid miscommunication
speak another and avoid miscommunication identify identify your primary speaking
identify identify your primary speaking
identify identify your primary speaking style modify modify your speaking style
style modify modify your speaking style
style modify modify your speaking style to your listeners preferred style and
to your listeners preferred style and
to your listeners preferred style and blend if you’re not sure of your
blend if you’re not sure of your
blend if you’re not sure of your audience blend both inferential and
audience blend both inferential and
audience blend both inferential and literal and be ambidextrous I mean if I
literal and be ambidextrous I mean if I
literal and be ambidextrous I mean if I had known all this when I was 6 maybe I
had known all this when I was 6 maybe I
had known all this when I was 6 maybe I would have gone that birthday party
would have gone that birthday party
would have gone that birthday party after all
after all
after all instead when my mom asked me do you
instead when my mom asked me do you
instead when my mom asked me do you think you deserve a party I inferential
think you deserve a party I inferential
think you deserve a party I inferential II jumped to the conclusion that she
II jumped to the conclusion that she
II jumped to the conclusion that she didn’t want to give me one and I was a
didn’t want to give me one and I was a
didn’t want to give me one and I was a bad girl in return she literally heard
bad girl in return she literally heard
bad girl in return she literally heard me say I don’t want a birthday party
me say I don’t want a birthday party
me say I don’t want a birthday party without actually realizing I really did
without actually realizing I really did
without actually realizing I really did want one prior to this year my daughter
want one prior to this year my daughter
want one prior to this year my daughter never asked for a birthday party this
never asked for a birthday party this
never asked for a birthday party this year she was turning six she wanted
year she was turning six she wanted
year she was turning six she wanted cotton candy she wanted balloons cake
cotton candy she wanted balloons cake
cotton candy she wanted balloons cake and all her friends
and all her friends
and all her friends she got it all last week and she’s also
she got it all last week and she’s also
she got it all last week and she’s also sitting right there right now in our
sitting right there right now in our
sitting right there right now in our world in our country there’s so much
world in our country there’s so much
world in our country there’s so much miscommunication and separation
miscommunication and separation
miscommunication and separation understanding that we hear one way and
understanding that we hear one way and
understanding that we hear one way and we speak another is a tool within our
we speak another is a tool within our
we speak another is a tool within our reach to be more effective and engaging
reach to be more effective and engaging
reach to be more effective and engaging communicators with everyone enjoy your
communicators with everyone enjoy your
communicators with everyone enjoy your next conversation thank you
”
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