when I was 34 I had a great job as a sales rep making twice the money as I
sales rep making twice the money as I
sales rep making twice the money as I did the year before I was spoiling my
did the year before I was spoiling my
did the year before I was spoiling my mother with expensive gifts and I
mother with expensive gifts and I
mother with expensive gifts and I purchased a brand new blue sports car
purchased a brand new blue sports car
purchased a brand new blue sports car one evening standing in front of a
one evening standing in front of a
one evening standing in front of a closet full of expensive clothes and
closet full of expensive clothes and
closet full of expensive clothes and literally a hundred and fifty pairs of
literally a hundred and fifty pairs of
literally a hundred and fifty pairs of shoes but I didn’t have a thing to wear
shoes but I didn’t have a thing to wear
shoes but I didn’t have a thing to wear the outfit I was searching for couldn’t
the outfit I was searching for couldn’t
the outfit I was searching for couldn’t be too conservative or too sexy now I
be too conservative or too sexy now I
be too conservative or too sexy now I wish I could tell you I was getting
wish I could tell you I was getting
wish I could tell you I was getting ready for a really hot date but the
ready for a really hot date but the
ready for a really hot date but the truth I was looking for the perfect
truth I was looking for the perfect
truth I was looking for the perfect outfit to wear as I killed myself
throwing clothes everywhere screaming I
throwing clothes everywhere screaming I don’t want to die I’m broken and I need
don’t want to die I’m broken and I need
don’t want to die I’m broken and I need to be fixed
to be fixed
to be fixed I remember the suicide hot light on TV
I remember the suicide hot light on TV
I remember the suicide hot light on TV and I reached for the phone again and
and I reached for the phone again and
and I reached for the phone again and again and finally I dial the man who
again and finally I dial the man who
again and finally I dial the man who answers is calming gentle and I feel
answers is calming gentle and I feel
answers is calming gentle and I feel safe whispering I was sexually abused as
safe whispering I was sexually abused as
safe whispering I was sexually abused as a child for years and I’ve never told
a child for years and I’ve never told
a child for years and I’ve never told anyone he allowed me to speak without
anyone he allowed me to speak without
anyone he allowed me to speak without interruption or judgment and when I
interruption or judgment and when I
interruption or judgment and when I finished he said congratulations I am
finished he said congratulations I am
finished he said congratulations I am proud of you and your courage to share
proud of you and your courage to share
proud of you and your courage to share your story congratulations
your story congratulations
your story congratulations it’s not what I expected to hear
they say your secrets make you sick mine
they say your secrets make you sick mine was almost lethal it’s not stranger
was almost lethal it’s not stranger
was almost lethal it’s not stranger danger you as you may think
danger you as you may think
danger you as you may think 93% of molesters abuse children that
93% of molesters abuse children that
93% of molesters abuse children that they know it was my big brother who
they know it was my big brother who
they know it was my big brother who stole my innocence studies find that
stole my innocence studies find that
stole my innocence studies find that there are about 62,000 cases of child
there are about 62,000 cases of child
there are about 62,000 cases of child sexual abuse reported every year but
sexual abuse reported every year but
sexual abuse reported every year but what is truly disturbing is that the
what is truly disturbing is that the
what is truly disturbing is that the experts agree that for every one report
experts agree that for every one report
experts agree that for every one report to go unreported the overall conclusion
to go unreported the overall conclusion
to go unreported the overall conclusion of that is that there are roughly 42
of that is that there are roughly 42
of that is that there are roughly 42 million adult survivors in the United
million adult survivors in the United
million adult survivors in the United States you may be wondering why children
States you may be wondering why children
States you may be wondering why children and later adults don’t tell well there’s
and later adults don’t tell well there’s
and later adults don’t tell well there’s good reason for this after that phone
good reason for this after that phone
good reason for this after that phone call I went into counseling the ladies
call I went into counseling the ladies
call I went into counseling the ladies in the group were of all ages status and
in the group were of all ages status and
in the group were of all ages status and ethnicities and sadly the consequences
ethnicities and sadly the consequences
ethnicities and sadly the consequences of their telling were disastrous I
of their telling were disastrous I
of their telling were disastrous I discovered some of my sisters survivors
discovered some of my sisters survivors
discovered some of my sisters survivors weren’t believed many were blamed and
weren’t believed many were blamed and
weren’t believed many were blamed and then punished kicked out of their home
then punished kicked out of their home
then punished kicked out of their home or forced to run away to escape while
or forced to run away to escape while
or forced to run away to escape while the fathers uncles brothers cousins
the fathers uncles brothers cousins
the fathers uncles brothers cousins mothers committing these atrocities were
mothers committing these atrocities were
mothers committing these atrocities were allowed to remain in the home but when I
allowed to remain in the home but when I
allowed to remain in the home but when I told my mother she was devastated
told my mother she was devastated
told my mother she was devastated guilt-ridden she understood why I was
guilt-ridden she understood why I was
guilt-ridden she understood why I was afraid to tell she validated the
afraid to tell she validated the
afraid to tell she validated the strength that took to hide what I’d gone
strength that took to hide what I’d gone
strength that took to hide what I’d gone through I never confronted him she did
through I never confronted him she did
through I never confronted him she did and he since passed and I’m fortunate
and he since passed and I’m fortunate
and he since passed and I’m fortunate that my mother and other siblings and
that my mother and other siblings and
that my mother and other siblings and later my husband believed me they
later my husband believed me they
later my husband believed me they listened to my story they allowed me to
listened to my story they allowed me to
listened to my story they allowed me to speak and they listened without
speak and they listened without
speak and they listened without interruption or judgment and they
interruption or judgment and they
interruption or judgment and they supported me in getting help it turns
supported me in getting help it turns
supported me in getting help it turns out this is an uncommon
out this is an uncommon
out this is an uncommon action now I know it’s difficult to hear
action now I know it’s difficult to hear
action now I know it’s difficult to hear stories about child sexual abuse I get
stories about child sexual abuse I get
stories about child sexual abuse I get that and I believe that most people who
that and I believe that most people who
that and I believe that most people who hear our stories want to be supportive
hear our stories want to be supportive
hear our stories want to be supportive but another reason that victims don’t
but another reason that victims don’t
but another reason that victims don’t share is the things that people say and
share is the things that people say and
share is the things that people say and one way that happens is what dr. Brene
one way that happens is what dr. Brene
one way that happens is what dr. Brene brown terms uncomfortable sympathy
brown terms uncomfortable sympathy
brown terms uncomfortable sympathy that’s when somebody tells you something
that’s when somebody tells you something
that’s when somebody tells you something shocking like that I’ve been sexually
shocking like that I’ve been sexually
shocking like that I’ve been sexually abused as a child and you’re not sure
abused as a child and you’re not sure
abused as a child and you’re not sure what to say
what to say
what to say one common response oh you poor thing
one common response oh you poor thing
one common response oh you poor thing we’ll just don’t let your past define
we’ll just don’t let your past define
we’ll just don’t let your past define you over and over I hear why don’t you
you over and over I hear why don’t you
you over and over I hear why don’t you just get over it
just get over it
just get over it you talk too much about it you need to
you talk too much about it you need to
you talk too much about it you need to stop talking about it you will hurt your
stop talking about it you will hurt your
stop talking about it you will hurt your business if people find out I will never
business if people find out I will never
business if people find out I will never stop talking about it just ask my
stop talking about it just ask my
stop talking about it just ask my husband negative statements are really
husband negative statements are really
husband negative statements are really unconscious bullying they may be well
unconscious bullying they may be well
unconscious bullying they may be well intended but they can they make us feel
intended but they can they make us feel
intended but they can they make us feel unworthy of support and they contribute
unworthy of support and they contribute
unworthy of support and they contribute to our shame I’m asked why didn’t you
to our shame I’m asked why didn’t you
to our shame I’m asked why didn’t you stop him why didn’t you tell but
stop him why didn’t you tell but
stop him why didn’t you tell but questions like that imply that the
questions like that imply that the
questions like that imply that the victim is responsible for stopping these
victim is responsible for stopping these
victim is responsible for stopping these crimes he was the adult I was only four
crimes he was the adult I was only four
crimes he was the adult I was only four years old I had no language for what was
years old I had no language for what was
years old I had no language for what was happening we didn’t choose to be victims
happening we didn’t choose to be victims
happening we didn’t choose to be victims but we are revitalized when we are
but we are revitalized when we are
but we are revitalized when we are intimidated out of sharing conscious and
intimidated out of sharing conscious and
intimidated out of sharing conscious and unconscious bullying keep many survivors
unconscious bullying keep many survivors
unconscious bullying keep many survivors from telling and many are too ashamed to
from telling and many are too ashamed to
from telling and many are too ashamed to seek help child sexual abuse going
seek help child sexual abuse going
seek help child sexual abuse going untreated can have devastating effects
untreated can have devastating effects
untreated can have devastating effects research shows that this hiding this
research shows that this hiding this
research shows that this hiding this horrible truth can cause chronic illness
horrible truth can cause chronic illness
horrible truth can cause chronic illness devastating psychological emotional and
devastating psychological emotional and
devastating psychological emotional and sociological effects
imagine your loved one hiding a horrible
imagine your loved one hiding a horrible secret like that for almost 70 years
secret like that for almost 70 years
secret like that for almost 70 years when I hired a friend to design the
when I hired a friend to design the
when I hired a friend to design the cover of my memoir his puppet no more he
cover of my memoir his puppet no more he
cover of my memoir his puppet no more he was so excited he shared the news with
was so excited he shared the news with
was so excited he shared the news with his mother
his mother
his mother she sat silent for a few moments with
she sat silent for a few moments with
she sat silent for a few moments with tears in her eyes she whispered that
tears in her eyes she whispered that
tears in her eyes she whispered that happened to me too I was 9 it was my
happened to me too I was 9 it was my
happened to me too I was 9 it was my uncle’s well he was shocked devastated
uncle’s well he was shocked devastated
uncle’s well he was shocked devastated he didn’t know what to say or do so he
he didn’t know what to say or do so he
he didn’t know what to say or do so he hugged her and loved her and told her
hugged her and loved her and told her
hugged her and loved her and told her how much he loved her the next time we
how much he loved her the next time we
how much he loved her the next time we spoke I asked about his mother and after
spoke I asked about his mother and after
spoke I asked about his mother and after she shared her secret remember to a
she shared her secret remember to a
she shared her secret remember to a loving positive reaction that gave her
loving positive reaction that gave her
loving positive reaction that gave her the courage to tell her family doctor
the courage to tell her family doctor
the courage to tell her family doctor who had been treating her migraines for
who had been treating her migraines for
who had been treating her migraines for years at 86
years at 86
years at 86 she’s smiling a lot more these days and
she’s smiling a lot more these days and
she’s smiling a lot more these days and the best news is her migraines have
the best news is her migraines have
the best news is her migraines have nearly disappeared if we can’t speak our
nearly disappeared if we can’t speak our
nearly disappeared if we can’t speak our truth the pain is going to be released
truth the pain is going to be released
truth the pain is going to be released somewhere or we find coping mechanisms
somewhere or we find coping mechanisms
somewhere or we find coping mechanisms such as drugs or a life of crime did you
such as drugs or a life of crime did you
such as drugs or a life of crime did you know that 84 percent of prison inmates
know that 84 percent of prison inmates
know that 84 percent of prison inmates have been abused as children and 75
have been abused as children and 75
have been abused as children and 75 percent of women entering treatment
percent of women entering treatment
percent of women entering treatment programs report having been sexually
programs report having been sexually
programs report having been sexually abused I was invited to speak at a
abused I was invited to speak at a
abused I was invited to speak at a women’s prison and the act of telling my
women’s prison and the act of telling my
women’s prison and the act of telling my story and others seemed to give those
story and others seemed to give those
story and others seemed to give those women permission to tell theirs crying
women permission to tell theirs crying
women permission to tell theirs crying one inmate than another stood and shared
one inmate than another stood and shared
one inmate than another stood and shared her secret for the very first time
doesn’t it make you wonder what
doesn’t it make you wonder what different paths their life may have
different paths their life may have
different paths their life may have taken
taken
taken had they been encouraged to speak their
had they been encouraged to speak their
had they been encouraged to speak their truth before that day I was given the
truth before that day I was given the
truth before that day I was given the opportunity to share my truth on Oprah
opportunity to share my truth on Oprah
opportunity to share my truth on Oprah and the world it was one of the scariest
and the world it was one of the scariest
and the world it was one of the scariest things I have ever done but I had to do
things I have ever done but I had to do
things I have ever done but I had to do it
it
it because I grew tired of being ashamed of
because I grew tired of being ashamed of
because I grew tired of being ashamed of a crime that I did not commit and I am
a crime that I did not commit and I am
a crime that I did not commit and I am determined to be a voice for those who
determined to be a voice for those who
determined to be a voice for those who have not found theirs because I know
have not found theirs because I know
have not found theirs because I know that remaining silent does not work if
that remaining silent does not work if
that remaining silent does not work if healing begins by telling then we must
healing begins by telling then we must
healing begins by telling then we must make telling safe and you can help what
make telling safe and you can help what
make telling safe and you can help what I believe first saved me from suicide
I believe first saved me from suicide
I believe first saved me from suicide and then kept me determined to get fixed
and then kept me determined to get fixed
and then kept me determined to get fixed is what I call the praise approach what
is what I call the praise approach what
is what I call the praise approach what do you think would happen if we
do you think would happen if we
do you think would happen if we immediately offer praise and
immediately offer praise and
immediately offer praise and encouragement as survival as
encouragement as survival as
encouragement as survival as accomplished as an accomplishment yes
accomplished as an accomplishment yes
accomplished as an accomplishment yes after speaking events women and men come
after speaking events women and men come
after speaking events women and men come up in hushed voices and they share their
up in hushed voices and they share their
up in hushed voices and they share their secrets so I began to test this process
secrets so I began to test this process
secrets so I began to test this process using positive statements and the
using positive statements and the
using positive statements and the results have been astonishing not long
results have been astonishing not long
results have been astonishing not long ago a young lady approached me
ago a young lady approached me
ago a young lady approached me whispering that happened to me too
whispering that happened to me too
whispering that happened to me too I listened without interruption or
I listened without interruption or
I listened without interruption or judgment and then I congratulated her
judgment and then I congratulated her
judgment and then I congratulated her courage and strength to persevere
courage and strength to persevere
courage and strength to persevere clearly that’s not what she expected to
clearly that’s not what she expected to
clearly that’s not what she expected to hear wiping away her tears she stood
hear wiping away her tears she stood
hear wiping away her tears she stood straighter and started smiling
her last email she’s in counseling and
her last email she’s in counseling and on the way to recovery it’s imperative
on the way to recovery it’s imperative
on the way to recovery it’s imperative that you and I be aware of how we react
that you and I be aware of how we react
that you and I be aware of how we react and speak to survivors to encourage
and speak to survivors to encourage
and speak to survivors to encourage positive steps forward it was hard to
positive steps forward it was hard to
positive steps forward it was hard to make that call years ago because I was
make that call years ago because I was
make that call years ago because I was taught that asking for help is a
taught that asking for help is a
taught that asking for help is a weakness but that man on the phone
weakness but that man on the phone
weakness but that man on the phone assured me that there is nothing
assured me that there is nothing
assured me that there is nothing shameful about asking for help
shameful about asking for help
shameful about asking for help he called me brave and for the first
he called me brave and for the first
he called me brave and for the first time instead of being ashamed I was just
time instead of being ashamed I was just
time instead of being ashamed I was just a little bit proud of myself
he helped me reframe my beliefs and as I
he helped me reframe my beliefs and as I studied the attributes of survival I
studied the attributes of survival I
studied the attributes of survival I found that it highlights courage
found that it highlights courage
found that it highlights courage strength tenacity perseverance these are
strength tenacity perseverance these are
strength tenacity perseverance these are the successful coping strategies of
the successful coping strategies of
the successful coping strategies of resilient victims if we can help
resilient victims if we can help
resilient victims if we can help survivors accept what has happened help
survivors accept what has happened help
survivors accept what has happened help them be proud of their survival traits
them be proud of their survival traits
them be proud of their survival traits help them focus on the strengths that
help them focus on the strengths that
help them focus on the strengths that help them persevere during and after
help them persevere during and after
help them persevere during and after what they’ve experienced this can aid in
what they’ve experienced this can aid in
what they’ve experienced this can aid in the healing process
now the preys approach is not limited to
now the preys approach is not limited to use for child sexual abuse is there any
use for child sexual abuse is there any
use for child sexual abuse is there any unspoken shame living in you a friend I
unspoken shame living in you a friend I
unspoken shame living in you a friend I confided in snapped why don’t you just
confided in snapped why don’t you just
confided in snapped why don’t you just get over it already a month later she
get over it already a month later she
get over it already a month later she found out her husband was having an
found out her husband was having an
found out her husband was having an affair I knew that telling her to just
affair I knew that telling her to just
affair I knew that telling her to just get over it was not what she needed to
get over it was not what she needed to
get over it was not what she needed to hear she was broken she contemplated
hear she was broken she contemplated
hear she was broken she contemplated suicide I listened
suicide I listened
suicide I listened without interruption or judgment and I
without interruption or judgment and I
without interruption or judgment and I encouraged her to seek help
encouraged her to seek help
encouraged her to seek help feeling broken suicidal is not limited
feeling broken suicidal is not limited
feeling broken suicidal is not limited to the traumas of child sexual abuse in
to the traumas of child sexual abuse in
to the traumas of child sexual abuse in my research I discovered a philosophy
my research I discovered a philosophy
my research I discovered a philosophy that I show to those who feel broken and
that I show to those who feel broken and
that I show to those who feel broken and it’s called ginzu chi have you heard
it’s called ginzu chi have you heard
it’s called ginzu chi have you heard this
this
this it’s a Japanese art of repairing pottery
it’s a Japanese art of repairing pottery
it’s a Japanese art of repairing pottery with gold instead it restores the object
with gold instead it restores the object
with gold instead it restores the object instead of discarding it highlighting
instead of discarding it highlighting
instead of discarding it highlighting its flaws and making it even more
its flaws and making it even more
its flaws and making it even more valuable we must encourage these
valuable we must encourage these
valuable we must encourage these precious souls that they are not broken
precious souls that they are not broken
precious souls that they are not broken beyond repair how you and I react and
beyond repair how you and I react and
beyond repair how you and I react and speak to survivors can make a difference
speak to survivors can make a difference
speak to survivors can make a difference in whether we shut down or get help we
in whether we shut down or get help we
in whether we shut down or get help we use congratulations every day to express
use congratulations every day to express
use congratulations every day to express praise for an achievement I think that
praise for an achievement I think that
praise for an achievement I think that you’ll agree that the atrocity survivors
you’ll agree that the atrocity survivors
you’ll agree that the atrocity survivors have lived through is quite an
have lived through is quite an
have lived through is quite an achievement and worthy of praise and
achievement and worthy of praise and
achievement and worthy of praise and just imagine this if you and I make it
just imagine this if you and I make it
just imagine this if you and I make it safe to tell now future generations of
safe to tell now future generations of
safe to tell now future generations of children will be spared from having
children will be spared from having
children will be spared from having these stories to tell
”
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