[Music] everywhere I look I see busy stressed
everywhere I look I see busy stressed
everywhere I look I see busy stressed adults and children
adults and children
adults and children I see people rushing from one thing to
I see people rushing from one thing to
I see people rushing from one thing to the next taking them out of connection
the next taking them out of connection
the next taking them out of connection with themselves and each other my
with themselves and each other my
with themselves and each other my observation of the world at present is
observation of the world at present is
observation of the world at present is that we are disconnected and out of
that we are disconnected and out of
that we are disconnected and out of balance emotionally and yet we are
balance emotionally and yet we are
balance emotionally and yet we are intrinsically motivated to connect in my
intrinsically motivated to connect in my
intrinsically motivated to connect in my interaction with people and children in
interaction with people and children in
interaction with people and children in my work and personal life I have seen a
my work and personal life I have seen a
my work and personal life I have seen a pattern and that is of avoiding emotion
pattern and that is of avoiding emotion
pattern and that is of avoiding emotion and connection our relationship with
and connection our relationship with
and connection our relationship with each other
each other
each other our children and the earth is not in a
our children and the earth is not in a
our children and the earth is not in a happy or healthy place we are not okay
happy or healthy place we are not okay
happy or healthy place we are not okay our children are not okay when over
our children are not okay when over
our children are not okay when over eight million children under the age of
eight million children under the age of
eight million children under the age of 17 in the US alone are on medication to
17 in the US alone are on medication to
17 in the US alone are on medication to help them cope with their emotions we
help them cope with their emotions we
help them cope with their emotions we are not okay over two million of them on
are not okay over two million of them on
are not okay over two million of them on antidepressants and an additional two
antidepressants and an additional two
antidepressants and an additional two million are on anti-anxiety medication
million are on anti-anxiety medication
million are on anti-anxiety medication drugs are not the solution connection is
drugs are not the solution connection is
drugs are not the solution connection is the solution cultivating connection with
the solution cultivating connection with
the solution cultivating connection with ourselves and others is the way to bring
ourselves and others is the way to bring
ourselves and others is the way to bring more happiness and balance into our and
more happiness and balance into our and
more happiness and balance into our and our children’s lives we are offered so
our children’s lives we are offered so
our children’s lives we are offered so much opportunity in this world to
much opportunity in this world to
much opportunity in this world to connect post on Facebook accept this
connect post on Facebook accept this
connect post on Facebook accept this friend request like this photo on
friend request like this photo on
friend request like this photo on Instagram tweet these are all illusions
Instagram tweet these are all illusions
Instagram tweet these are all illusions of connection they’re not true
of connection they’re not true
of connection they’re not true connection and yet we jump at these
connection and yet we jump at these
connection and yet we jump at these opportunities because we are in a key
opportunities because we are in a key
opportunities because we are in a key intrinsically wired for connection
intrinsically wired for connection
intrinsically wired for connection however we move towards the
however we move towards the
however we move towards the lusion of connection because it seems
lusion of connection because it seems
lusion of connection because it seems less risky less vulnerable true
less risky less vulnerable true
less risky less vulnerable true connection is risky true connection is
connection is risky true connection is
connection is risky true connection is vulnerable you can fall in love and have
vulnerable you can fall in love and have
vulnerable you can fall in love and have your heart broken you can be rejected
your heart broken you can be rejected
your heart broken you can be rejected friendships can end us as a society we
friendships can end us as a society we
friendships can end us as a society we are so fearful of being connected and
are so fearful of being connected and
are so fearful of being connected and vulnerable and are feeling big feelings
vulnerable and are feeling big feelings
vulnerable and are feeling big feelings this is not only because we are afraid
this is not only because we are afraid
this is not only because we are afraid of a sensation of those painful emotions
of a sensation of those painful emotions
of a sensation of those painful emotions but more importantly is we don’t have a
but more importantly is we don’t have a
but more importantly is we don’t have a safe place to go when we when we’re in
safe place to go when we when we’re in
safe place to go when we when we’re in the midst of those emotions we yearn for
the midst of those emotions we yearn for
the midst of those emotions we yearn for a place to go that is safe where we can
a place to go that is safe where we can
a place to go that is safe where we can express what we are feeling and be
express what we are feeling and be
express what we are feeling and be accepted and heard we yearn for the
accepted and heard we yearn for the
accepted and heard we yearn for the experience of emotional safety emotional
experience of emotional safety emotional
experience of emotional safety emotional safety can be defined as when a person
safety can be defined as when a person
safety can be defined as when a person is okay with expressing who they are and
is okay with expressing who they are and
is okay with expressing who they are and how they are feeling they feel confident
how they are feeling they feel confident
how they are feeling they feel confident to take risks and be challenged and they
to take risks and be challenged and they
to take risks and be challenged and they have a natural curiosity about the world
have a natural curiosity about the world
have a natural curiosity about the world around them understand that emotional
around them understand that emotional
around them understand that emotional safety means we are okay to show all of
safety means we are okay to show all of
safety means we are okay to show all of who we are let me share an example of
who we are let me share an example of
who we are let me share an example of how emotional safety can show up in a
how emotional safety can show up in a
how emotional safety can show up in a child’s behavior the situation is this a
child’s behavior the situation is this a
child’s behavior the situation is this a child has broken a glass if they feel
child has broken a glass if they feel
child has broken a glass if they feel emotionally safe they will simply go and
emotionally safe they will simply go and
emotionally safe they will simply go and tell an adult or their parents that they
tell an adult or their parents that they
tell an adult or their parents that they broke the glass well the child who feels
broke the glass well the child who feels
broke the glass well the child who feels emotionally unsafe they may try to hide
emotionally unsafe they may try to hide
emotionally unsafe they may try to hide it they may pretend they may leave it
it they may pretend they may leave it
it they may pretend they may leave it and wait for you to find it and they may
and wait for you to find it and they may
and wait for you to find it and they may even lie and say they didn’t do it the
even lie and say they didn’t do it the
even lie and say they didn’t do it the question is this are we able to start
question is this are we able to start
question is this are we able to start creating emotionally safe relationships
creating emotionally safe relationships
creating emotionally safe relationships the short answer is yes absolutely
the short answer is yes absolutely
the short answer is yes absolutely in fact I’m convinced that this is the
in fact I’m convinced that this is the
in fact I’m convinced that this is the essential next step in order for our
essential next step in order for our
essential next step in order for our children to feel safe we need to be able
children to feel safe we need to be able
children to feel safe we need to be able to achieve we need to be able to listen
to achieve we need to be able to listen
to achieve we need to be able to listen and we need to be able to receive them
and we need to be able to receive them
and we need to be able to receive them exactly as they are I’d like to take a
exactly as they are I’d like to take a
exactly as they are I’d like to take a moment to walk you through two different
moment to walk you through two different
moment to walk you through two different scenarios
scenarios
scenarios the first one is imagine yourself as a
the first one is imagine yourself as a
the first one is imagine yourself as a child any age whatever age comes to mind
child any age whatever age comes to mind
child any age whatever age comes to mind and you’re in a beautiful garden and
and you’re in a beautiful garden and
and you’re in a beautiful garden and it’s green there’s trees maybe there’s a
it’s green there’s trees maybe there’s a
it’s green there’s trees maybe there’s a jungle gym down the bottom there’s an
jungle gym down the bottom there’s an
jungle gym down the bottom there’s an adult somewhere in the background that
adult somewhere in the background that
adult somewhere in the background that you know you can call on if you need
you know you can call on if you need
you know you can call on if you need help can you notice what you’re feeling
help can you notice what you’re feeling
help can you notice what you’re feeling and you look around this garden can you
and you look around this garden can you
and you look around this garden can you think of a game you’d like to play now
think of a game you’d like to play now
think of a game you’d like to play now I’d like you to imagine yourself on a
I’d like you to imagine yourself on a
I’d like you to imagine yourself on a sidewalk in front of a busy road cars
sidewalk in front of a busy road cars
sidewalk in front of a busy road cars driving past strangers walking behind
driving past strangers walking behind
driving past strangers walking behind you broken glass to the side of you and
you broken glass to the side of you and
you broken glass to the side of you and there isn’t an adult around that you can
there isn’t an adult around that you can
there isn’t an adult around that you can call on for help what are you feeling
call on for help what are you feeling
call on for help what are you feeling now can you think of a game you’d like
now can you think of a game you’d like
now can you think of a game you’d like to play here I’d like to share my
to play here I’d like to share my
to play here I’d like to share my experience of these two situations the
experience of these two situations the
experience of these two situations the first one in the garden I was happy I
first one in the garden I was happy I
first one in the garden I was happy I was relaxed and I was really only
was relaxed and I was really only
was relaxed and I was really only concerned with how high I could climb in
concerned with how high I could climb in
concerned with how high I could climb in the tree there was in front of me in the
the tree there was in front of me in the
the tree there was in front of me in the second situation
second situation
second situation I was nervous anxious I was on hyper
I was nervous anxious I was on hyper
I was nervous anxious I was on hyper alert I needed to look everywhere only
alert I needed to look everywhere only
alert I needed to look everywhere only game might have been able to play it was
game might have been able to play it was
game might have been able to play it was one record sit very still and still be
one record sit very still and still be
one record sit very still and still be able to watch what
able to watch what
able to watch what going on around me when we feel
going on around me when we feel
going on around me when we feel emotionally unsafe it feels the same as
emotionally unsafe it feels the same as
emotionally unsafe it feels the same as when we feel physically unsafe keeping
when we feel physically unsafe keeping
when we feel physically unsafe keeping ourselves safe is our priority
ourselves safe is our priority
ourselves safe is our priority nothing else matters now happiness is
nothing else matters now happiness is
nothing else matters now happiness is intrinsically linked to safety I believe
intrinsically linked to safety I believe
intrinsically linked to safety I believe and has been my personal experience that
and has been my personal experience that
and has been my personal experience that the lightness that comes with happiness
the lightness that comes with happiness
the lightness that comes with happiness and joy is not available if we are
and joy is not available if we are
and joy is not available if we are feeling unsafe and in fact playing
feeling unsafe and in fact playing
feeling unsafe and in fact playing becomes very difficult if we don’t feel
becomes very difficult if we don’t feel
becomes very difficult if we don’t feel safe if our children are going to grow
safe if our children are going to grow
safe if our children are going to grow into all they can be we need to start
into all they can be we need to start
into all they can be we need to start creating environments of safety we need
creating environments of safety we need
creating environments of safety we need to start committing to creating safe
to start committing to creating safe
to start committing to creating safe relationships we need to be able to lean
relationships we need to be able to lean
relationships we need to be able to lean into stable connection we need to be
into stable connection we need to be
into stable connection we need to be able to trust that we have safe
able to trust that we have safe
able to trust that we have safe relationships when we can do that when
relationships when we can do that when
relationships when we can do that when we know that those are available we can
we know that those are available we can
we know that those are available we can step into the world more confidently and
step into the world more confidently and
step into the world more confidently and with more courage which is essential if
with more courage which is essential if
with more courage which is essential if we are going to be healthy humans health
we are going to be healthy humans health
we are going to be healthy humans health is defined as a state in which we can
is defined as a state in which we can
is defined as a state in which we can function well emotionally mentally
function well emotionally mentally
function well emotionally mentally spiritually physically and socially and
spiritually physically and socially and
spiritually physically and socially and express our fullest potential your full
express our fullest potential your full
express our fullest potential your full potential is only available if we are
potential is only available if we are
potential is only available if we are feeling safe connected to ourselves and
feeling safe connected to ourselves and
feeling safe connected to ourselves and to others
now resilience is also in the mixture
now resilience is also in the mixture resilience is our bounce-back factor
resilience is our bounce-back factor
resilience is our bounce-back factor what happens when life throws you a
what happens when life throws you a
what happens when life throws you a curve ball do you disconnect retract
curve ball do you disconnect retract
curve ball do you disconnect retract from the world
from the world
from the world never to really reconnect again or are
never to really reconnect again or are
never to really reconnect again or are you able to come back to balance
you able to come back to balance
you able to come back to balance stay open to life and be willing to
stay open to life and be willing to
stay open to life and be willing to experience what’s next I maintain that
experience what’s next I maintain that
experience what’s next I maintain that for the qualities of happiness health
for the qualities of happiness health
for the qualities of happiness health and resilience to be part of our
and resilience to be part of our
and resilience to be part of our children’s lives we need to cultivate
children’s lives we need to cultivate
children’s lives we need to cultivate connection we need to create safe
connection we need to create safe
connection we need to create safe emotional spaces I’d like to share some
emotional spaces I’d like to share some
emotional spaces I’d like to share some of my personal story here because it
of my personal story here because it
of my personal story here because it informs my passion of connection is the
informs my passion of connection is the
informs my passion of connection is the solution so I was never very good with
solution so I was never very good with
solution so I was never very good with emotions in fact up to the age of 25 I
emotions in fact up to the age of 25 I
emotions in fact up to the age of 25 I did an excellent job at avoiding them I
did an excellent job at avoiding them I
did an excellent job at avoiding them I kept busy I overachieved I was a
kept busy I overachieved I was a
kept busy I overachieved I was a perfectionist and not very good with
perfectionist and not very good with
perfectionist and not very good with feelings I had no I say no but very
feelings I had no I say no but very
feelings I had no I say no but very limited emotional intelligence skills
limited emotional intelligence skills
limited emotional intelligence skills when I was little my experience of
when I was little my experience of
when I was little my experience of showing emotions was one where I felt
showing emotions was one where I felt
showing emotions was one where I felt mocked and ridiculed and even ignored so
mocked and ridiculed and even ignored so
mocked and ridiculed and even ignored so I did my best to shut them down and put
I did my best to shut them down and put
I did my best to shut them down and put them to one side until in my mid-20s I
them to one side until in my mid-20s I
them to one side until in my mid-20s I collapsed from exhaustion I simply could
collapsed from exhaustion I simply could
collapsed from exhaustion I simply could not cope and I had no more energy to
not cope and I had no more energy to
not cope and I had no more energy to live the fast paced skillful avoidance
live the fast paced skillful avoidance
live the fast paced skillful avoidance of my emotions this was the start of a
of my emotions this was the start of a
of my emotions this was the start of a 10 year journey of me understanding and
10 year journey of me understanding and
10 year journey of me understanding and discovering why my emotions are so
discovering why my emotions are so
discovering why my emotions are so important how I need them in my life
important how I need them in my life
important how I need them in my life how I need a pair tension to them in
how I need a pair tension to them in
how I need a pair tension to them in order to thrive in this world and that’s
order to thrive in this world and that’s
order to thrive in this world and that’s safe emotional relationships has been
safe emotional relationships has been
safe emotional relationships has been the foundation for my healing and growth
the foundation for my healing and growth
the foundation for my healing and growth emotional safety and emotional safe
emotional safety and emotional safe
emotional safety and emotional safe relationships have allowed me the
relationships have allowed me the
relationships have allowed me the courage
courage
courage and the grace to be exactly who I am
and the grace to be exactly who I am
and the grace to be exactly who I am I’ve never really felt safe in this
I’ve never really felt safe in this
I’ve never really felt safe in this world and I’ve never had consistently
world and I’ve never had consistently
world and I’ve never had consistently safe emotional relationships until very
safe emotional relationships until very
safe emotional relationships until very recently and because I have not had this
recently and because I have not had this
recently and because I have not had this I really understand the necessity and
I really understand the necessity and
I really understand the necessity and the importance of them and that’s why I
the importance of them and that’s why I
the importance of them and that’s why I feel I can speak so clearly to why we
feel I can speak so clearly to why we
feel I can speak so clearly to why we need to commit to cultivating connection
emotional safety affects children in
emotional safety affects children in many ways if a child is in a classroom
many ways if a child is in a classroom
many ways if a child is in a classroom and they are feeling emotionally
and they are feeling emotionally
and they are feeling emotionally stressed or mostly unsafe they capacity
stressed or mostly unsafe they capacity
stressed or mostly unsafe they capacity to learn understand and communicate it
to learn understand and communicate it
to learn understand and communicate it severely impacted he has an example if
severely impacted he has an example if
severely impacted he has an example if I’m if I’m coming into class but just
I’m if I’m coming into class but just
I’m if I’m coming into class but just before I’ve got into class
before I’ve got into class
before I’ve got into class I’ve been shoved in the corridor I’ve
I’ve been shoved in the corridor I’ve
I’ve been shoved in the corridor I’ve been bullied I walk into class I’m upset
been bullied I walk into class I’m upset
been bullied I walk into class I’m upset I’m hurt I’ve got a lot of big feelings
I’m hurt I’ve got a lot of big feelings
I’m hurt I’ve got a lot of big feelings going on it’s gonna be very difficult
going on it’s gonna be very difficult
going on it’s gonna be very difficult for me to sit down and do a math problem
for me to sit down and do a math problem
for me to sit down and do a math problem we know from the research that has been
we know from the research that has been
we know from the research that has been done about the brain that when we are
done about the brain that when we are
done about the brain that when we are feeling big feelings our capacity to
feeling big feelings our capacity to
feeling big feelings our capacity to learn and understand is impacted this
learn and understand is impacted this
learn and understand is impacted this can display as different behavior and
can display as different behavior and
can display as different behavior and children they can be angry they can shut
children they can be angry they can shut
children they can be angry they can shut down they can be tears often this
down they can be tears often this
down they can be tears often this provokes aggravation or frustration and
provokes aggravation or frustration and
provokes aggravation or frustration and adults because the child is not behaving
adults because the child is not behaving
adults because the child is not behaving in the way we want them to behave but if
in the way we want them to behave but if
in the way we want them to behave but if we can change our perspective and
we can change our perspective and
we can change our perspective and understand that this child is an
understand that this child is an
understand that this child is an emotional overwhelm that they are
emotional overwhelm that they are
emotional overwhelm that they are feeling and safe we can choose to have a
feeling and safe we can choose to have a
feeling and safe we can choose to have a different response very rarely is our
different response very rarely is our
different response very rarely is our first port of call to connect create
first port of call to connect create
first port of call to connect create emotional safety and then address the
emotional safety and then address the
emotional safety and then address the situation
situation
situation how different would it be if first we
how different would it be if first we
how different would it be if first we attended to a child emotional safety
attended to a child emotional safety
attended to a child emotional safety their connection to us and then
their connection to us and then
their connection to us and then addressed a behavior that we thought was
addressed a behavior that we thought was
addressed a behavior that we thought was inappropriate we would see children
inappropriate we would see children
inappropriate we would see children coming to us telling us things good or
coming to us telling us things good or
coming to us telling us things good or bad I believe we would see children
bad I believe we would see children
bad I believe we would see children asking for help and I absolutely believe
asking for help and I absolutely believe
asking for help and I absolutely believe we would see children that were happier
we would see children that were happier
we would see children that were happier healthier and more resilient to develop
healthier and more resilient to develop
healthier and more resilient to develop emotional safety we need to realize that
emotional safety we need to realize that
emotional safety we need to realize that emotions are deeply relevant that
emotions are deeply relevant that
emotions are deeply relevant that cultivating connection is essential it
cultivating connection is essential it
cultivating connection is essential it is essential if our children are going
is essential if our children are going
is essential if our children are going to thrive a few weeks ago I was with my
to thrive a few weeks ago I was with my
to thrive a few weeks ago I was with my god daughters and I was walking around
god daughters and I was walking around
god daughters and I was walking around the kitchen with Kate on my hip hop’s
the kitchen with Kate on my hip hop’s
the kitchen with Kate on my hip hop’s making a cup of tea and I noticed how
making a cup of tea and I noticed how
making a cup of tea and I noticed how curiously she was watching me and how
curiously she was watching me and how
curiously she was watching me and how intently she was observing me and I was
intently she was observing me and I was
intently she was observing me and I was struck by this crystal-clear
struck by this crystal-clear
struck by this crystal-clear understanding and it was this we do not
understanding and it was this we do not
understanding and it was this we do not raise children we do not teach children
raise children we do not teach children
raise children we do not teach children we have no ownership here we are in each
we have no ownership here we are in each
we have no ownership here we are in each moment trying our very best to be in
moment trying our very best to be in
moment trying our very best to be in right relationship with them to model
right relationship with them to model
right relationship with them to model how we want them to live in this life in
how we want them to live in this life in
how we want them to live in this life in each moment doing our best to relate and
each moment doing our best to relate and
each moment doing our best to relate and connect in our constantly shifting
connect in our constantly shifting
connect in our constantly shifting relationship with them how we live how
relationship with them how we live how
relationship with them how we live how we relate and how we connect that is
we relate and how we connect that is
we relate and how we connect that is what informs the growth and the learning
what informs the growth and the learning
what informs the growth and the learning of our children
of our children
of our children it is time to start making connection
it is time to start making connection
it is time to start making connection our priority as I end off I’d like to
our priority as I end off I’d like to
our priority as I end off I’d like to leave you with one thing you can start
leave you with one thing you can start
leave you with one thing you can start to do in your lives right now that will
to do in your lives right now that will
to do in your lives right now that will start cultivating connection and
start cultivating connection and
start cultivating connection and increasing emotional safety they’re
increasing emotional safety they’re
increasing emotional safety they’re called emotional chickens step 1 find or
called emotional chickens step 1 find or
called emotional chickens step 1 find or write the list of 20 emotions step 2
write the list of 20 emotions step 2
write the list of 20 emotions step 2 stick it on your fridge step 3 check in
stick it on your fridge step 3 check in
stick it on your fridge step 3 check in with yourself at least three times a day
with yourself at least three times a day
with yourself at least three times a day what am I feeling right now I am feeling
what am I feeling right now I am feeling
what am I feeling right now I am feeling step 5 share check in with your loved
step 5 share check in with your loved
step 5 share check in with your loved one or a perfect stranger I am curious
one or a perfect stranger I am curious
one or a perfect stranger I am curious and delighted and intrigued to find out
and delighted and intrigued to find out
and delighted and intrigued to find out how this changes your life thank you
how this changes your life thank you
how this changes your life thank you [Applause]
[Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
”
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