you have to get over this stop Halloween he’s gone and he’s never coming back and
he’s gone and he’s never coming back and
he’s gone and he’s never coming back and you have to let him go
you’re still not over it can you imagine
you’re still not over it can you imagine saying this to someone who’s loved one
saying this to someone who’s loved one
saying this to someone who’s loved one just died after my fiancee Sergio died
just died after my fiancee Sergio died
just died after my fiancee Sergio died after he heroically gave his life at the
after he heroically gave his life at the
after he heroically gave his life at the World Trade Center on September 11th
World Trade Center on September 11th
World Trade Center on September 11th 2001 I heard these harsh words sometimes
2001 I heard these harsh words sometimes
2001 I heard these harsh words sometimes from others and a lot of times I said
from others and a lot of times I said
from others and a lot of times I said them to myself I recently met a 33 year
them to myself I recently met a 33 year
them to myself I recently met a 33 year old woman whose fiance had suddenly died
old woman whose fiance had suddenly died
old woman whose fiance had suddenly died three months before I was also 33 when
three months before I was also 33 when
three months before I was also 33 when Sergio died so it was very easy for us
Sergio died so it was very easy for us
Sergio died so it was very easy for us to connect and talked with fully about
to connect and talked with fully about
to connect and talked with fully about our grief and she told me how she was
our grief and she told me how she was
our grief and she told me how she was really really struggling that all she
really really struggling that all she
really really struggling that all she wanted to do was lay down and cry
wanted to do was lay down and cry
wanted to do was lay down and cry because the pain was so unrelenting and
because the pain was so unrelenting and
because the pain was so unrelenting and how exhausting it was trying to maintain
how exhausting it was trying to maintain
how exhausting it was trying to maintain a brave face for everyone else around
a brave face for everyone else around
a brave face for everyone else around her and how she couldn’t focus at work
her and how she couldn’t focus at work
her and how she couldn’t focus at work and how lost and completely disconnected
and how lost and completely disconnected
and how lost and completely disconnected she felt from the woman she was the
she felt from the woman she was the
she felt from the woman she was the happy and productive woman she was
happy and productive woman she was
happy and productive woman she was before he died I told her that all of
before he died I told her that all of
before he died I told her that all of what she was feeling resonated so deep
what she was feeling resonated so deep
what she was feeling resonated so deep with my own experience and it comforted
with my own experience and it comforted
with my own experience and it comforted her and gave her a sense of relief even
her and gave her a sense of relief even
her and gave her a sense of relief even that she wasn’t going crazy I asked her
that she wasn’t going crazy I asked her
that she wasn’t going crazy I asked her to tell me a bit about her fiancee and
to tell me a bit about her fiancee and
to tell me a bit about her fiancee and she lit up she told me how sweet he was
she lit up she told me how sweet he was
she lit up she told me how sweet he was that he would that he loved to wash her
that he would that he loved to wash her
that he would that he loved to wash her hair which made her feel so beautiful
hair which made her feel so beautiful
hair which made her feel so beautiful and so loved and I told her a little bit
and so loved and I told her a little bit
and so loved and I told her a little bit about Sergio and how funny we were
about Sergio and how funny we were
about Sergio and how funny we were together and how all of these years
together and how all of these years
together and how all of these years later I can still hear his laughter
later I can still hear his laughter
later I can still hear his laughter remembering all of the crazy stuff we
remembering all of the crazy stuff we
remembering all of the crazy stuff we used to do I asked her about the support
used to do I asked her about the support
used to do I asked her about the support she was receiving and she told me how
she was receiving and she told me how
she was receiving and she told me how completely devastating it was when she
completely devastating it was when she
completely devastating it was when she decided to go home for Christmas
decided to go home for Christmas
decided to go home for Christmas and she drove hours and hours from
and she drove hours and hours from
and she drove hours and hours from yeah me too me too New York only to be
yeah me too me too New York only to be
yeah me too me too New York only to be greeted at the door by her mother who
greeted at the door by her mother who
greeted at the door by her mother who said don’t come in here with that
said don’t come in here with that
said don’t come in here with that sadness her mother also told her that it
sadness her mother also told her that it
sadness her mother also told her that it was time to move on and that she should
was time to move on and that she should
was time to move on and that she should really start dating again
really start dating again
really start dating again and this was just weeks after her fiance
and this was just weeks after her fiance
and this was just weeks after her fiance died I told her about the time I was
died I told her about the time I was
died I told her about the time I was walking down the street and a neighbor
walking down the street and a neighbor
walking down the street and a neighbor who I barely knew grabbed me to tell me
who I barely knew grabbed me to tell me
who I barely knew grabbed me to tell me I know exactly how you feel my husband
I know exactly how you feel my husband
I know exactly how you feel my husband was there too and as she pulled me into
was there too and as she pulled me into
was there too and as she pulled me into her body she couldn’t continue to say
her body she couldn’t continue to say
her body she couldn’t continue to say well he was my ex-husband and he got out
well he was my ex-husband and he got out
well he was my ex-husband and he got out but I do know exactly how you feel
but I do know exactly how you feel
but I do know exactly how you feel because that waiting was so hard and it
because that waiting was so hard and it
because that waiting was so hard and it was such a tragic thing that happened
was such a tragic thing that happened
was such a tragic thing that happened and you’re so young and you know you
and you’re so young and you know you
and you’re so young and you know you really have to move on and then my
really have to move on and then my
really have to move on and then my friend told me that someone else in her
friend told me that someone else in her
friend told me that someone else in her family told her that she cried too much
family told her that she cried too much
family told her that she cried too much she was going to get cataracts and the
she was going to get cataracts and the
she was going to get cataracts and the craziest thing happened I started to
craziest thing happened I started to
craziest thing happened I started to have these amazingly vivid visions of
have these amazingly vivid visions of
have these amazingly vivid visions of tackling each and every one of those
tackling each and every one of those
tackling each and every one of those people and pinning them down and with a
people and pinning them down and with a
people and pinning them down and with a nice open hand smacking sensations of
nice open hand smacking sensations of
nice open hand smacking sensations of them but I’m not a violent person and in
them but I’m not a violent person and in
them but I’m not a violent person and in the words of Maya Angelou when you know
the words of Maya Angelou when you know
the words of Maya Angelou when you know better you do better and I know that for
better you do better and I know that for
better you do better and I know that for the most part these comments are well
the most part these comments are well
the most part these comments are well intentioned because it’s in our nature
intentioned because it’s in our nature
intentioned because it’s in our nature to want to fix things for people who are
to want to fix things for people who are
to want to fix things for people who are hurting including ourselves and I also
hurting including ourselves and I also
hurting including ourselves and I also know that these this line of reasoning
know that these this line of reasoning
know that these this line of reasoning comes from either a blissful ignorance
comes from either a blissful ignorance
comes from either a blissful ignorance of not having someone close to us died
of not having someone close to us died
of not having someone close to us died and not really knowing the truth about
and not really knowing the truth about
and not really knowing the truth about reef or the outdated approach to grief
reef or the outdated approach to grief
reef or the outdated approach to grief which calls for us to be strong pick
which calls for us to be strong pick
which calls for us to be strong pick ourselves back up and carry on with life
ourselves back up and carry on with life
ourselves back up and carry on with life as usual whatever the reason and however
as usual whatever the reason and however
as usual whatever the reason and however well intentioned
well intentioned
well intentioned I’ve learned firsthand that telling
I’ve learned firsthand that telling
I’ve learned firsthand that telling someone how to grieve
someone how to grieve
someone how to grieve is not helpful and in fact causes more
is not helpful and in fact causes more
is not helpful and in fact causes more harm than good
harm than good
harm than good it puts horrible horrible pressure on
it puts horrible horrible pressure on
it puts horrible horrible pressure on the person from making them feel as if
the person from making them feel as if
the person from making them feel as if there’s something wrong with them for
there’s something wrong with them for
there’s something wrong with them for feeling whatever it is that they need to
feeling whatever it is that they need to
feeling whatever it is that they need to feel in order to get through it so I’m
feel in order to get through it so I’m
feel in order to get through it so I’m here today to share a bit of wisdom that
here today to share a bit of wisdom that
here today to share a bit of wisdom that I’ve learned in the last 15 years about
I’ve learned in the last 15 years about
I’ve learned in the last 15 years about grief with the hopes that I can take
grief with the hopes that I can take
grief with the hopes that I can take away some of that pressure on anyone who
away some of that pressure on anyone who
away some of that pressure on anyone who is struggling with the loss of someone
is struggling with the loss of someone
is struggling with the loss of someone they love and I also hope to shed a
they love and I also hope to shed a
they love and I also hope to shed a little light for those who are wanting
little light for those who are wanting
little light for those who are wanting to know how to serve how to support
to know how to serve how to support
to know how to serve how to support someone they love who is grieving the
someone they love who is grieving the
someone they love who is grieving the first thing is that grief is not
first thing is that grief is not
first thing is that grief is not something that occurs in five stages
something that occurs in five stages
something that occurs in five stages which flow neatly on a linear timeline
which flow neatly on a linear timeline
which flow neatly on a linear timeline that is over in one year too many of us
that is over in one year too many of us
that is over in one year too many of us have been duped into believing that once
have been duped into believing that once
have been duped into believing that once we go through denial anger bargaining
we go through denial anger bargaining
we go through denial anger bargaining depression and acceptance and that
depression and acceptance and that
depression and acceptance and that usually takes about a year that grief is
usually takes about a year that grief is
usually takes about a year that grief is going to be over the dark days at least
going to be over the dark days at least
going to be over the dark days at least well it’s false the actual process and
well it’s false the actual process and
well it’s false the actual process and timeline for grief is unique to the
timeline for grief is unique to the
timeline for grief is unique to the individual because we are all wired
individual because we are all wired
individual because we are all wired differently and we all have different
differently and we all have different
differently and we all have different situations and circumstances that will
situations and circumstances that will
situations and circumstances that will impact our ability to move forward after
impact our ability to move forward after
impact our ability to move forward after devastating loss many of us who are
devastating loss many of us who are
devastating loss many of us who are struggling with grief that relate better
struggling with grief that relate better
struggling with grief that relate better to an ocean metaphor here we are on this
to an ocean metaphor here we are on this
to an ocean metaphor here we are on this beautiful beach and we’re relaxing on a
beautiful beach and we’re relaxing on a
beautiful beach and we’re relaxing on a beautiful lounge chair and life is
beautiful lounge chair and life is
beautiful lounge chair and life is beautiful and we’re drinking our
beautiful and we’re drinking our
beautiful and we’re drinking our delicious coconut water and we’re laying
delicious coconut water and we’re laying
delicious coconut water and we’re laying back and the sun is shining on our face
back and the sun is shining on our face
back and the sun is shining on our face and all of a sudden a tidal wave just
and all of a sudden a tidal wave just
and all of a sudden a tidal wave just slams down on us and it crushes our
slams down on us and it crushes our
slams down on us and it crushes our heart and then we’re violently yanked
heart and then we’re violently yanked
heart and then we’re violently yanked into an unforgiving ocean and it’s dark
into an unforgiving ocean and it’s dark
into an unforgiving ocean and it’s dark and you can’t breathe because your heart
and you can’t breathe because your heart
and you can’t breathe because your heart is so crushed and you can’t get air and
is so crushed and you can’t get air and
is so crushed and you can’t get air and you’re just trying to keep your head
you’re just trying to keep your head
you’re just trying to keep your head above water and you can’t eat or sleep
above water and you can’t eat or sleep
above water and you can’t eat or sleep when you’re being thrown around like
when you’re being thrown around like
when you’re being thrown around like that and when you don’t breathe well or
that and when you don’t breathe well or
that and when you don’t breathe well or eat well or sleep well you can’t
eat well or sleep well you can’t
eat well or sleep well you can’t function well and when you can’t
function well and when you can’t
function well and when you can’t function well
function well
function well everything becomes difficult to do
everything becomes difficult to do
everything becomes difficult to do thankfully though we can put on a life
thankfully though we can put on a life
thankfully though we can put on a life jacket and fasten it with hope and the
jacket and fasten it with hope and the
jacket and fasten it with hope and the inspiration of those who have crossed
inspiration of those who have crossed
inspiration of those who have crossed those oceans before us and the support
those oceans before us and the support
those oceans before us and the support of our family and our friends a good
of our family and our friends a good
of our family and our friends a good grief counselor and a community of
grief counselor and a community of
grief counselor and a community of others who are facing similar loss
others who are facing similar loss
others who are facing similar loss however it is that we choose to stay
however it is that we choose to stay
however it is that we choose to stay afloat it is up to us to navigate those
afloat it is up to us to navigate those
afloat it is up to us to navigate those rough seas to discover new joy to regain
rough seas to discover new joy to regain
rough seas to discover new joy to regain our self-confidence and our sense of
our self-confidence and our sense of
our self-confidence and our sense of purpose and to courageously dive into
purpose and to courageously dive into
purpose and to courageously dive into that ocean again and again becoming more
that ocean again and again becoming more
that ocean again and again becoming more resilient along the way and with time we
resilient along the way and with time we
resilient along the way and with time we can find our way back toward calmer
can find our way back toward calmer
can find our way back toward calmer waters and a better more empathetic
waters and a better more empathetic
waters and a better more empathetic version of ourselves
version of ourselves
version of ourselves grief much like the ocean never ends it
grief much like the ocean never ends it
grief much like the ocean never ends it ebbs and it flows it shifts and it
ebbs and it flows it shifts and it
ebbs and it flows it shifts and it changes and we’ll never know when we’re
changes and we’ll never know when we’re
changes and we’ll never know when we’re going to get hit with another wave and
going to get hit with another wave and
going to get hit with another wave and with each wave I can’t stress this
with each wave I can’t stress this
with each wave I can’t stress this enough it’s it’s crucial that we got to
enough it’s it’s crucial that we got to
enough it’s it’s crucial that we got to feel it to heal it the work of brief and
feel it to heal it the work of brief and
feel it to heal it the work of brief and it is extremely hard work involves
it is extremely hard work involves
it is extremely hard work involves leaning into that pain and turning over
leaning into that pain and turning over
leaning into that pain and turning over every uncomfortable emotion and having
every uncomfortable emotion and having
every uncomfortable emotion and having them validated until we reach some sense
them validated until we reach some sense
them validated until we reach some sense of resolution grief needs to be shared
of resolution grief needs to be shared
of resolution grief needs to be shared not judged and words such as you must
not judged and words such as you must
not judged and words such as you must miss him I’m here for you this must be
miss him I’m here for you this must be
miss him I’m here for you this must be so hard you will get through this are
so hard you will get through this are
so hard you will get through this are enough to help support a person who is
enough to help support a person who is
enough to help support a person who is grieving
if we give ourselves and others the
if we give ourselves and others the space to grieve in whatever way they
space to grieve in whatever way they
space to grieve in whatever way they need to we need to without judgment
need to we need to without judgment
need to we need to without judgment we’re not only honoring the eternal love
we’re not only honoring the eternal love
we’re not only honoring the eternal love that binds us with those who have died
that binds us with those who have died
that binds us with those who have died we are also helping in the process of
we are also helping in the process of
we are also helping in the process of bringing meaning to their lives and our
bringing meaning to their lives and our
bringing meaning to their lives and our continued existence without them now two
continued existence without them now two
continued existence without them now two of the things that I really struggled
of the things that I really struggled
of the things that I really struggled with a lot during the early years of my
with a lot during the early years of my
with a lot during the early years of my grief journey the first was this whole
grief journey the first was this whole
grief journey the first was this whole idea that we have to move on well we
idea that we have to move on well we
idea that we have to move on well we don’t move on we move forward grief is
don’t move on we move forward grief is
don’t move on we move forward grief is not losing someone is not like losing a
not losing someone is not like losing a
not losing someone is not like losing a job or an experiencing of failure that
job or an experiencing of failure that
job or an experiencing of failure that we move on from instead we learn to live
we move on from instead we learn to live
we move on from instead we learn to live with the pain of our loss and we move
with the pain of our loss and we move
with the pain of our loss and we move forward when we are ready
forward when we are ready
forward when we are ready carrying the love inspiration of our
carrying the love inspiration of our
carrying the love inspiration of our loved ones and memories with us the
loved ones and memories with us the
loved ones and memories with us the other thing that I had a really really
other thing that I had a really really
other thing that I had a really really hard time with was this whole notion of
hard time with was this whole notion of
hard time with was this whole notion of letting go you have to let him go what
letting go you have to let him go what
letting go you have to let him go what I’ve learned is that the only things
I’ve learned is that the only things
I’ve learned is that the only things that we have to let go of are our
that we have to let go of are our
that we have to let go of are our expectations of the future we were
expectations of the future we were
expectations of the future we were planning on having with our loved ones
planning on having with our loved ones
planning on having with our loved ones we have to let go of our fear our guilt
we have to let go of our fear our guilt
we have to let go of our fear our guilt our shame and any other negative
our shame and any other negative
our shame and any other negative self-talk which will which can get in
self-talk which will which can get in
self-talk which will which can get in the way of our healing we do not have to
the way of our healing we do not have to
the way of our healing we do not have to let go of our memories or of our love or
let go of our memories or of our love or
let go of our memories or of our love or of the idea we can no longer create new
of the idea we can no longer create new
of the idea we can no longer create new memories with our loved ones as long as
memories with our loved ones as long as
memories with our loved ones as long as we speak their names and share their
we speak their names and share their
we speak their names and share their stories we get to create new memories
stories we get to create new memories
stories we get to create new memories with our loved ones we don’t have to let
with our loved ones we don’t have to let
with our loved ones we don’t have to let go in order let go of that love in order
go in order let go of that love in order
go in order let go of that love in order to bring new love and joy in we get to
to bring new love and joy in we get to
to bring new love and joy in we get to keep that love forever and we can add to
keep that love forever and we can add to
keep that love forever and we can add to that love knowing that joy and sorrow
that love knowing that joy and sorrow
that love knowing that joy and sorrow can coexist I’m living proof of that
can coexist I’m living proof of that
can coexist I’m living proof of that I am grateful to say that I’ve been
I am grateful to say that I’ve been
I am grateful to say that I’ve been living happily now for almost 11 years
living happily now for almost 11 years
living happily now for almost 11 years with my other loves of my life my
with my other loves of my life my
with my other loves of my life my wonderful husband Ray and our two
wonderful husband Ray and our two
wonderful husband Ray and our two daughters I want to share this quote
daughters I want to share this quote
daughters I want to share this quote with you and whoever wrote it really
with you and whoever wrote it really
with you and whoever wrote it really deserves a standing ovation grief is the
deserves a standing ovation grief is the
deserves a standing ovation grief is the last act of love we can give to those we
last act of love we can give to those we
last act of love we can give to those we loved where there is deep grief there
loved where there is deep grief there
loved where there is deep grief there was great love grief is a sacred rite of
was great love grief is a sacred rite of
was great love grief is a sacred rite of passage and should be respected as such
passage and should be respected as such
passage and should be respected as such it is a hero’s journey filled with deep
it is a hero’s journey filled with deep
it is a hero’s journey filled with deep dark sorrow messy twists and turns
dark sorrow messy twists and turns
dark sorrow messy twists and turns courageous battles love joy and
courageous battles love joy and
courageous battles love joy and unexpected surprises through the
unexpected surprises through the
unexpected surprises through the darkness of grief we see the light of
darkness of grief we see the light of
darkness of grief we see the light of love which transcends depth and with all
love which transcends depth and with all
love which transcends depth and with all of the pain that grief raised it can
of the pain that grief raised it can
of the pain that grief raised it can also bring us gratitude for the gift of
also bring us gratitude for the gift of
also bring us gratitude for the gift of time we had with our loved ones the
time we had with our loved ones the
time we had with our loved ones the amount of which will always be too short
amount of which will always be too short
amount of which will always be too short and for the pain which we would endure
and for the pain which we would endure
and for the pain which we would endure again and again because that pain as a
again and again because that pain as a
again and again because that pain as a result of loving someone so much that it
result of loving someone so much that it
result of loving someone so much that it hurts to let their physical presence ago
when we really take in this profound
when we really take in this profound truth that grief is an act of love it is
truth that grief is an act of love it is
truth that grief is an act of love it is that much easier to be gentler with
that much easier to be gentler with
that much easier to be gentler with ourselves and others who are going
ourselves and others who are going
ourselves and others who are going through it and I want to leave you with
through it and I want to leave you with
through it and I want to leave you with this last thought this is the biggest
this last thought this is the biggest
this last thought this is the biggest lesson that I learned in grief grief is
lesson that I learned in grief grief is
lesson that I learned in grief grief is a big kick in the ass reminder that no
a big kick in the ass reminder that no
a big kick in the ass reminder that no one gets out alive no one gets out alive
one gets out alive no one gets out alive
one gets out alive no one gets out alive we are not guaranteed tomorrow or the
we are not guaranteed tomorrow or the
we are not guaranteed tomorrow or the next minute for that matter so I want
next minute for that matter so I want
next minute for that matter so I want you to ask yourselves are you living a
you to ask yourselves are you living a
you to ask yourselves are you living a life filled with meaningful connections
life filled with meaningful connections
life filled with meaningful connections and are you being the best person you
and are you being the best person you
and are you being the best person you can be for yourself for the people you
can be for yourself for the people you
can be for yourself for the people you love for that person who needs a helping
love for that person who needs a helping
love for that person who needs a helping hand
hand
hand for our world the truth is that every
for our world the truth is that every
for our world the truth is that every one of you in this room right right now
one of you in this room right right now
one of you in this room right right now is going to inevitably be the person
is going to inevitably be the person
is going to inevitably be the person that someone will grieve over so I want
that someone will grieve over so I want
that someone will grieve over so I want you to ask yourself what are you doing
you to ask yourself what are you doing
you to ask yourself what are you doing now to inspire and strengthen those you
now to inspire and strengthen those you
now to inspire and strengthen those you love to keep living without you when
love to keep living without you when
love to keep living without you when you’re gone how do you want to be
you’re gone how do you want to be
you’re gone how do you want to be remembered and how will you want your
remembered and how will you want your
remembered and how will you want your loved ones to be treated when they are
loved ones to be treated when they are
loved ones to be treated when they are grieving over you if you keep the answer
grieving over you if you keep the answer
grieving over you if you keep the answer to this question in mind then maybe just
to this question in mind then maybe just
to this question in mind then maybe just maybe we’ll never have such a harsh
maybe we’ll never have such a harsh
maybe we’ll never have such a harsh response to grief again
”
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