[Music] this picture you see behind me here is
this picture you see behind me here is
this picture you see behind me here is of my mom and little sister Bridget when
of my mom and little sister Bridget when
of my mom and little sister Bridget when she graduated college five years ago now
she graduated college five years ago now
she graduated college five years ago now this was a pretty big achievement
this was a pretty big achievement
this was a pretty big achievement because her path to get here was not
because her path to get here was not
because her path to get here was not easy
easy
easy you see Bridget was born deaf and when
you see Bridget was born deaf and when
you see Bridget was born deaf and when she was nine years old got a cochlear
she was nine years old got a cochlear
she was nine years old got a cochlear implant and if you don’t know someone
implant and if you don’t know someone
implant and if you don’t know someone who has one of these they’re a device
who has one of these they’re a device
who has one of these they’re a device that helps you hear a lot better but are
that helps you hear a lot better but are
that helps you hear a lot better but are far far from perfect and so like anyone
far far from perfect and so like anyone
far far from perfect and so like anyone with a disability getting through school
with a disability getting through school
with a disability getting through school was a real struggle it was the kind of
was a real struggle it was the kind of
was a real struggle it was the kind of struggle that you can’t do alone and she
struggle that you can’t do alone and she
struggle that you can’t do alone and she wasn’t alone there with her every step
wasn’t alone there with her every step
wasn’t alone there with her every step of the way was my mom in fact for the 20
of the way was my mom in fact for the 20
of the way was my mom in fact for the 20 40 years leading up to this moment my
40 years leading up to this moment my
40 years leading up to this moment my mom was far and away
mom was far and away
mom was far and away Bridget’s main advocate and source of
Bridget’s main advocate and source of
Bridget’s main advocate and source of support really orienting her whole life
support really orienting her whole life
support really orienting her whole life around helping Bridget succeed now you
around helping Bridget succeed now you
around helping Bridget succeed now you might look at this picture and think
might look at this picture and think
might look at this picture and think think it looks a little bit staged and
think it looks a little bit staged and
think it looks a little bit staged and that’s because it is staged it actually
that’s because it is staged it actually
that’s because it is staged it actually represents a running joke in my family
represents a running joke in my family
represents a running joke in my family that my mom helped Bridget so much get
that my mom helped Bridget so much get
that my mom helped Bridget so much get to this place that they really both
to this place that they really both
to this place that they really both graduated that day I look at this
graduated that day I look at this
graduated that day I look at this picture a lot and I still can’t quite
picture a lot and I still can’t quite
picture a lot and I still can’t quite tell who has a tighter grip on that
tell who has a tighter grip on that
tell who has a tighter grip on that diploma a few hours after this was taken
diploma a few hours after this was taken
diploma a few hours after this was taken my family was gathered in a hotel room
my family was gathered in a hotel room
my family was gathered in a hotel room getting ready to go out to dinner and
getting ready to go out to dinner and
getting ready to go out to dinner and then something really surprising
then something really surprising
then something really surprising happened my mom stood up and asked for
happened my mom stood up and asked for
happened my mom stood up and asked for everyone’s attention in this very formal
everyone’s attention in this very formal
everyone’s attention in this very formal way and pulled out this letter and
way and pulled out this letter and
way and pulled out this letter and started reading it it was a gratitude
started reading it it was a gratitude
started reading it it was a gratitude letter and in it she proceeded to thank
letter and in it she proceeded to thank
letter and in it she proceeded to thank Bridget for all the ways Bridget had
Bridget for all the ways Bridget had
Bridget for all the ways Bridget had made her life better now I remember
made her life better now I remember
made her life better now I remember sitting there at the time thinking that
sitting there at the time thinking that
sitting there at the time thinking that this was a bit odd that really by any
this was a bit odd that really by any
this was a bit odd that really by any objective standard it was Bridget who
objective standard it was Bridget who
objective standard it was Bridget who had received all the help from my mom
had received all the help from my mom
had received all the help from my mom over the years not the reverse
but something inside my mom knew that
but something inside my mom knew that this was an amazing opportunity to
this was an amazing opportunity to
this was an amazing opportunity to publicly appreciate Bridget’s impact at
publicly appreciate Bridget’s impact at
publicly appreciate Bridget’s impact at the end of the letter there was these
the end of the letter there was these
the end of the letter there was these awkward moments of silence I don’t think
awkward moments of silence I don’t think
awkward moments of silence I don’t think any of us really knew what to do and
any of us really knew what to do and
any of us really knew what to do and then it was like a scene from a movie
then it was like a scene from a movie
then it was like a scene from a movie where we were hugging and laughing and
where we were hugging and laughing and
where we were hugging and laughing and crying in this brief moment it was kind
crying in this brief moment it was kind
crying in this brief moment it was kind of like we were one of those normal
of like we were one of those normal
of like we were one of those normal functioning families what happened in
functioning families what happened in
functioning families what happened in that hotel room was a deep and heartfelt
that hotel room was a deep and heartfelt
that hotel room was a deep and heartfelt expression of gratitude and this is
expression of gratitude and this is
expression of gratitude and this is something that I’ve been teaching
something that I’ve been teaching
something that I’ve been teaching thousands of undergraduates about for
thousands of undergraduates about for
thousands of undergraduates about for the last eight years you see in my
the last eight years you see in my
the last eight years you see in my courses we focus on concrete activities
courses we focus on concrete activities
courses we focus on concrete activities that anyone can engage in if they want
that anyone can engage in if they want
that anyone can engage in if they want to have a happier more fulfilling life
to have a happier more fulfilling life
to have a happier more fulfilling life and of all those activities it’s really
and of all those activities it’s really
and of all those activities it’s really gratitude that can have the biggest
gratitude that can have the biggest
gratitude that can have the biggest impact now what I’m talking about
impact now what I’m talking about
impact now what I’m talking about gratitude I’m talking about it as a
gratitude I’m talking about it as a
gratitude I’m talking about it as a behavior that it’s something you do and
behavior that it’s something you do and
behavior that it’s something you do and you do it become because someone has
you do it become because someone has
you do it become because someone has been intentionally kind to you and that
been intentionally kind to you and that
been intentionally kind to you and that kindness has value in your eyes so why
kindness has value in your eyes so why
kindness has value in your eyes so why is it so impeccable one of the main
is it so impeccable one of the main
is it so impeccable one of the main reasons has to do with the lasting
reasons has to do with the lasting
reasons has to do with the lasting effects of giving gratitude for example
effects of giving gratitude for example
effects of giving gratitude for example a number of studies have had people
a number of studies have had people
a number of studies have had people write and deliver gratitude letters to
write and deliver gratitude letters to
write and deliver gratitude letters to people in their lives who have actively
people in their lives who have actively
people in their lives who have actively helped them and then tracked their
helped them and then tracked their
helped them and then tracked their levels of happiness and depression over
levels of happiness and depression over
levels of happiness and depression over time to see how they’ve changed the
time to see how they’ve changed the
time to see how they’ve changed the results of these studies are all very
results of these studies are all very
results of these studies are all very similar that even one month after
similar that even one month after
similar that even one month after delivering a letter to someone people
delivering a letter to someone people
delivering a letter to someone people feel more happy and less depressed this
feel more happy and less depressed this
feel more happy and less depressed this is for two main reasons one is that when
is for two main reasons one is that when
is for two main reasons one is that when you sit down to write a letter to
you sit down to write a letter to
you sit down to write a letter to someone it forces your mind to focus on
someone it forces your mind to focus on
someone it forces your mind to focus on what’s positive in your life and the
what’s positive in your life and the
what’s positive in your life and the other is that when you deliver a letter
other is that when you deliver a letter
other is that when you deliver a letter to someone it acts as a real social
to someone it acts as a real social
to someone it acts as a real social connector so the more grateful we are to
connector so the more grateful we are to
connector so the more grateful we are to people the more they like us and then
people the more they like us and then
people the more they like us and then they treat us better and then we feel
they treat us better and then we feel
they treat us better and then we feel happier
happier
happier other research has focused on kind of
other research has focused on kind of
other research has focused on kind of the flip side of this coin the effects
the flip side of this coin the effects
the flip side of this coin the effects of receiving gratitude so in one
of receiving gratitude so in one
of receiving gratitude so in one innovative paper researchers did four
innovative paper researchers did four
innovative paper researchers did four different studies and in each study they
different studies and in each study they
different studies and in each study they had participants complete some type of
had participants complete some type of
had participants complete some type of helping tasks like fundraising or
helping tasks like fundraising or
helping tasks like fundraising or editing a cover letter after the tasks
editing a cover letter after the tasks
editing a cover letter after the tasks were done about half the participants
were done about half the participants
were done about half the participants received a simple two to three sentence
received a simple two to three sentence
received a simple two to three sentence thank-you note for the work and the
thank-you note for the work and the
thank-you note for the work and the other half received nothing and the
other half received nothing and the
other half received nothing and the results of these studies are again all
results of these studies are again all
results of these studies are again all very similar that this small expression
very similar that this small expression
very similar that this small expression of gratitude helped people in that group
of gratitude helped people in that group
of gratitude helped people in that group feel on average 16% higher levels of
feel on average 16% higher levels of
feel on average 16% higher levels of social self-worth this is because when
social self-worth this is because when
social self-worth this is because when we receive gratitude from people in our
we receive gratitude from people in our
we receive gratitude from people in our lives it makes us feel important and
lives it makes us feel important and
lives it makes us feel important and valuable and when we feel that way we
valuable and when we feel that way we
valuable and when we feel that way we get a Happiness boost so gratitude is
get a Happiness boost so gratitude is
get a Happiness boost so gratitude is awesome right whether you are giving it
awesome right whether you are giving it
awesome right whether you are giving it or receiving it and when it comes to
or receiving it and when it comes to
or receiving it and when it comes to giving gratitude probably the most
giving gratitude probably the most
giving gratitude probably the most impact way to do it is through one of
impact way to do it is through one of
impact way to do it is through one of these aforementioned gratitude letters
these aforementioned gratitude letters
these aforementioned gratitude letters what you would do here is think of
what you would do here is think of
what you would do here is think of someone in your life that has helped you
someone in your life that has helped you
someone in your life that has helped you a great deal but you’ve never properly
a great deal but you’ve never properly
a great deal but you’ve never properly thanked you would sit down and then list
thanked you would sit down and then list
thanked you would sit down and then list out all the ways they’ve made your life
out all the ways they’ve made your life
out all the ways they’ve made your life better with the goal here of being as
better with the goal here of being as
better with the goal here of being as specific as possible so for example
specific as possible so for example
specific as possible so for example writing something like thanks for being
writing something like thanks for being
writing something like thanks for being a great dad is not going to have nearly
a great dad is not going to have nearly
a great dad is not going to have nearly the impact as writing something like dad
the impact as writing something like dad
the impact as writing something like dad the way you tirelessly work to support
the way you tirelessly work to support
the way you tirelessly work to support our family gave me the resources
our family gave me the resources
our family gave me the resources necessary to follow my career dreams and
necessary to follow my career dreams and
necessary to follow my career dreams and also taught me what it means to have a
also taught me what it means to have a
also taught me what it means to have a strong work ethic one of those is kind
strong work ethic one of those is kind
strong work ethic one of those is kind of and one of those will start bringing
of and one of those will start bringing
of and one of those will start bringing tears to your eyes right after you
tears to your eyes right after you
tears to your eyes right after you finish the letter you would meet with
finish the letter you would meet with
finish the letter you would meet with this person face-to-face and read it
this person face-to-face and read it
this person face-to-face and read it aloud so you could experience the rich
aloud so you could experience the rich
aloud so you could experience the rich personal connection that often comes
personal connection that often comes
personal connection that often comes with
with
with voicing gratitude okay so perfect world
voicing gratitude okay so perfect world
voicing gratitude okay so perfect world here we are all writing a bunch of
here we are all writing a bunch of
here we are all writing a bunch of letters to people who have helped us
letters to people who have helped us
letters to people who have helped us we’re receiving a bunch of letters to
we’re receiving a bunch of letters to
we’re receiving a bunch of letters to people we have helped and voila we’re
people we have helped and voila we’re
people we have helped and voila we’re all going to be much much happier right
all going to be much much happier right
all going to be much much happier right well not exactly you might have noticed
well not exactly you might have noticed
well not exactly you might have noticed that every time I’ve talked about
that every time I’ve talked about
that every time I’ve talked about gratitude I’ve talked about helping
gratitude I’ve talked about helping
gratitude I’ve talked about helping others as being a fundamental component
others as being a fundamental component
others as being a fundamental component and this is obvious right
and this is obvious right
and this is obvious right you thanked people who helped you these
you thanked people who helped you these
you thanked people who helped you these go hand in hand but this is a major
go hand in hand but this is a major
go hand in hand but this is a major problem especially when it comes to
problem especially when it comes to
problem especially when it comes to receiving gratitude so we know receiving
receiving gratitude so we know receiving
receiving gratitude so we know receiving gratitude feels awesome but we also know
gratitude feels awesome but we also know
gratitude feels awesome but we also know that in order to be a helpful person we
that in order to be a helpful person we
that in order to be a helpful person we need to be in a happy positive
need to be in a happy positive
need to be in a happy positive optimistic place ourselves probably an
optimistic place ourselves probably an
optimistic place ourselves probably an easier way to think about this is to
easier way to think about this is to
easier way to think about this is to flip it around so try to imagine a time
flip it around so try to imagine a time
flip it around so try to imagine a time in your life where you’ve been really
in your life where you’ve been really
in your life where you’ve been really down or depressed let me give you a
down or depressed let me give you a
down or depressed let me give you a personal example here the picture I’m
personal example here the picture I’m
personal example here the picture I’m going to show you is when I was 14 years
going to show you is when I was 14 years
going to show you is when I was 14 years old it’s okay you can laugh it was it
old it’s okay you can laugh it was it
old it’s okay you can laugh it was it was a dark it was a dark time what this
was a dark it was a dark time what this
was a dark it was a dark time what this picture symbolizes is what I was feeling
picture symbolizes is what I was feeling
picture symbolizes is what I was feeling at the time which is which is down
at the time which is which is down
at the time which is which is down depressed lonely struggling just just
depressed lonely struggling just just
depressed lonely struggling just just sad righteous sad but what this picture
sad righteous sad but what this picture
sad righteous sad but what this picture doesn’t show you is the impact of me
doesn’t show you is the impact of me
doesn’t show you is the impact of me being in this place on others around me
being in this place on others around me
being in this place on others around me specifically the amount of help I was
specifically the amount of help I was
specifically the amount of help I was providing others was zero I’m pretty
providing others was zero I’m pretty
providing others was zero I’m pretty sure I was spending most of my time
sure I was spending most of my time
sure I was spending most of my time alone in my room writing really bad dark
alone in my room writing really bad dark
alone in my room writing really bad dark poems
poems
poems I have this recurring fear that my mom
I have this recurring fear that my mom
I have this recurring fear that my mom will find these one day and like show
will find these one day and like show
will find these one day and like show them to the world it’s just one of my
them to the world it’s just one of my
them to the world it’s just one of my nightmares um so when we are in low
nightmares um so when we are in low
nightmares um so when we are in low places like this our energy as a whole
places like this our energy as a whole
places like this our energy as a whole is low and the energy we do have is used
is low and the energy we do have is used
is low and the energy we do have is used to keep ourselves afloat our ability to
to keep ourselves afloat our ability to
to keep ourselves afloat our ability to help others is diminished and as a
help others is diminished and as a
help others is diminished and as a consequence we don’t have a lot of
consequence we don’t have a lot of
consequence we don’t have a lot of people writing us these happy producing
people writing us these happy producing
people writing us these happy producing flowing gratitude letters but what if we
flowing gratitude letters but what if we
flowing gratitude letters but what if we decided to change the way we think about
decided to change the way we think about
decided to change the way we think about gratitude so instead of only thinking
gratitude so instead of only thinking
gratitude so instead of only thinking about people in our lives who are
about people in our lives who are
about people in our lives who are actively helping us what if we decided
actively helping us what if we decided
actively helping us what if we decided to give gratitude to the many people in
to give gratitude to the many people in
to give gratitude to the many people in our lives who are having positive
our lives who are having positive
our lives who are having positive impacts on us even if they’re not
impacts on us even if they’re not
impacts on us even if they’re not planning to what if we decided to give
planning to what if we decided to give
planning to what if we decided to give gratitude to the very people in our
gratitude to the very people in our
gratitude to the very people in our lives who need it the most those who are
lives who need it the most those who are
lives who need it the most those who are at their lowest points now they’re
at their lowest points now they’re
at their lowest points now they’re probably not the most helpful to us
probably not the most helpful to us
probably not the most helpful to us right now but they are the exact people
right now but they are the exact people
right now but they are the exact people that need us telling them you are
that need us telling them you are
that need us telling them you are important you are making a difference
important you are making a difference
important you are making a difference you matter that night my mom thanked
you matter that night my mom thanked
you matter that night my mom thanked Bridget for a lot of things and one in
Bridget for a lot of things and one in
Bridget for a lot of things and one in particular stood out to me and so I want
particular stood out to me and so I want
particular stood out to me and so I want to lead you this part of the letter
to lead you this part of the letter
to lead you this part of the letter right now this is what my mom said to
right now this is what my mom said to
right now this is what my mom said to Bridget Bridget
Bridget Bridget
Bridget Bridget because you’re in my life I have a
because you’re in my life I have a
because you’re in my life I have a strong sense of empathy for others
strong sense of empathy for others
strong sense of empathy for others seeing the world through other people’s
seeing the world through other people’s
seeing the world through other people’s eyes being able to walk in their shoes
eyes being able to walk in their shoes
eyes being able to walk in their shoes is a trait that is always difficult to
is a trait that is always difficult to
is a trait that is always difficult to achieve for the past 24 years I have
achieve for the past 24 years I have
achieve for the past 24 years I have hoped and prayed for others to see and
hoped and prayed for others to see and
hoped and prayed for others to see and hear the world through your eyes and
hear the world through your eyes and
hear the world through your eyes and ears I know with certainty that my
ears I know with certainty that my
ears I know with certainty that my desire for others to have empathy for
desire for others to have empathy for
desire for others to have empathy for you
you
you has been instrumental in creating my own
has been instrumental in creating my own
has been instrumental in creating my own empathy for others what a difference you
empathy for others what a difference you
empathy for others what a difference you have made in my life what a positive
have made in my life what a positive
have made in my life what a positive affect you have had and what a joy it
affect you have had and what a joy it
affect you have had and what a joy it has been hearing you describe your
has been hearing you describe your
has been hearing you describe your empathy for friends when they have
empathy for friends when they have
empathy for friends when they have struggled suffered or failed thank you
struggled suffered or failed thank you
struggled suffered or failed thank you for giving me the gift of being empathic
for giving me the gift of being empathic
for giving me the gift of being empathic to others I have to be honest I’ve read
to others I have to be honest I’ve read
to others I have to be honest I’ve read this letter a lot preparing for this
this letter a lot preparing for this
this letter a lot preparing for this talk and every time I do it’s hard
talk and every time I do it’s hard
talk and every time I do it’s hard because I really get choked up about it
because I really get choked up about it
because I really get choked up about it you know it’s just imagining someone
you know it’s just imagining someone
you know it’s just imagining someone telling you that right so my mom thank
telling you that right so my mom thank
telling you that right so my mom thank Bridget that night for helping her learn
Bridget that night for helping her learn
Bridget that night for helping her learn to develop this skill of empathy and
to develop this skill of empathy and
to develop this skill of empathy and it’s ironic right that it was this very
it’s ironic right that it was this very
it’s ironic right that it was this very sense of empathy that pushed my mom to
sense of empathy that pushed my mom to
sense of empathy that pushed my mom to write the letter in the first place
write the letter in the first place
write the letter in the first place having a true and deep understanding of
having a true and deep understanding of
having a true and deep understanding of Bridget’s struggle and knowing that this
Bridget’s struggle and knowing that this
Bridget’s struggle and knowing that this was a perfect opportunity to express
was a perfect opportunity to express
was a perfect opportunity to express appreciation of Bridget not just for
appreciation of Bridget not just for
appreciation of Bridget not just for what she’s contributed but also what she
what she’s contributed but also what she
what she’s contributed but also what she had been through to get to this place
look
look I think we should be writing letters all
I think we should be writing letters all
I think we should be writing letters all the time to people in our lives who are
the time to people in our lives who are
the time to people in our lives who are actively helping us and I can promise
actively helping us and I can promise
actively helping us and I can promise you that if you do this you will be
you that if you do this you will be
you that if you do this you will be happier but I want to challenge you to
happier but I want to challenge you to
happier but I want to challenge you to not just stop there because in my mind
not just stop there because in my mind
not just stop there because in my mind there is no better way of showcasing our
there is no better way of showcasing our
there is no better way of showcasing our empathy for others than to tell those in
empathy for others than to tell those in
empathy for others than to tell those in our lives who are at their lowest points
our lives who are at their lowest points
our lives who are at their lowest points often those who are really not helpful
often those who are really not helpful
often those who are really not helpful right now the exact ways they have made
right now the exact ways they have made
right now the exact ways they have made our lives better and so this goes back
our lives better and so this goes back
our lives better and so this goes back to my challenge I challenge you to take
to my challenge I challenge you to take
to my challenge I challenge you to take some time this week and think about
some time this week and think about
some time this week and think about someone in your life who’s really
someone in your life who’s really
someone in your life who’s really struggling your mom your brother your
struggling your mom your brother your
struggling your mom your brother your roommate your friend your co-worker your
roommate your friend your co-worker your
roommate your friend your co-worker your partner your daughter take some time and
partner your daughter take some time and
partner your daughter take some time and write them a gratitude letter and then
write them a gratitude letter and then
write them a gratitude letter and then go and meet with them and read it aloud
go and meet with them and read it aloud
go and meet with them and read it aloud I promise you that if you do this you
I promise you that if you do this you
I promise you that if you do this you will witness the amazing the awesome
will witness the amazing the awesome
will witness the amazing the awesome power of gratitude the power to yes
power of gratitude the power to yes
power of gratitude the power to yes change your life but more importantly
change your life but more importantly
change your life but more importantly the power to change the life of someone
the power to change the life of someone
the power to change the life of someone who needs it the most
who needs it the most
who needs it the most thank
”
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