[Music] [Applause]
we swim on the windward side of Oahu off
we swim on the windward side of Oahu off the shore from bellows a military beach
the shore from bellows a military beach
the shore from bellows a military beach where the sand sits like flour through
where the sand sits like flour through
where the sand sits like flour through your fingers
your fingers
your fingers I am treading water that is well over my
I am treading water that is well over my
I am treading water that is well over my 10 year old head summer waves swell
10 year old head summer waves swell
10 year old head summer waves swell beneath me rolling through my body like
beneath me rolling through my body like
beneath me rolling through my body like spells of nausea
spells of nausea
spells of nausea my father swims nearby or stands really
my father swims nearby or stands really
my father swims nearby or stands really because he can touch where I cannot the
because he can touch where I cannot the
because he can touch where I cannot the dried salt on my cheeks mixes with
dried salt on my cheeks mixes with
dried salt on my cheeks mixes with rivulets of sweat I’m tired my father
rivulets of sweat I’m tired my father
rivulets of sweat I’m tired my father a naval lawyer who determines the rules
a naval lawyer who determines the rules
a naval lawyer who determines the rules of the sea swims close he begins to
of the sea swims close he begins to
of the sea swims close he begins to tickle my sides under my arms giggle and
tickle my sides under my arms giggle and
tickle my sides under my arms giggle and drown he chants giggle and drown this is
drown he chants giggle and drown this is
drown he chants giggle and drown this is a game we play when the surface low and
a game we play when the surface low and
a game we play when the surface low and bodysurfing impossible or this is a game
bodysurfing impossible or this is a game
bodysurfing impossible or this is a game he plays because while I am laughing I’m
he plays because while I am laughing I’m
he plays because while I am laughing I’m also coughing and sputtering and gasping
also coughing and sputtering and gasping
also coughing and sputtering and gasping for breath my arms thrash frantic my
for breath my arms thrash frantic my
for breath my arms thrash frantic my legs
legs
legs searching for purchase and finding no
searching for purchase and finding no
searching for purchase and finding no bottom giggle and drown he continues
bottom giggle and drown he continues
bottom giggle and drown he continues hazel eyes bright in the Sun smile broad
hazel eyes bright in the Sun smile broad
hazel eyes bright in the Sun smile broad or maybe this is not so much a game as a
or maybe this is not so much a game as a
or maybe this is not so much a game as a lesson this is what my father tells me
lesson this is what my father tells me
lesson this is what my father tells me he’s teaching me to be strong to assess
he’s teaching me to be strong to assess
he’s teaching me to be strong to assess what matters staying afloat and to in
what matters staying afloat and to in
what matters staying afloat and to in fact live you have to learn to foe
fact live you have to learn to foe
fact live you have to learn to foe Jennifer he says tune everything else
Jennifer he says tune everything else
Jennifer he says tune everything else out I know how to be strong I’m the
out I know how to be strong I’m the
out I know how to be strong I’m the eldest daughter of a career naval
eldest daughter of a career naval
eldest daughter of a career naval officer I have slept on submarines and
officer I have slept on submarines and
officer I have slept on submarines and slid down the narrow hallways while the
slid down the narrow hallways while the
slid down the narrow hallways while the sub practices angles and angles for the
sub practices angles and angles for the
sub practices angles and angles for the dependents on board I have felt water
dependents on board I have felt water
dependents on board I have felt water slugs reverberate through my chest when
slugs reverberate through my chest when
slugs reverberate through my chest when launched from steel-cased torpedo tubes
launched from steel-cased torpedo tubes
launched from steel-cased torpedo tubes every day after school my mother drives
every day after school my mother drives
every day after school my mother drives me home and we passed through a guard
me home and we passed through a guard
me home and we passed through a guard gate where a soldier greets us with a
gate where a soldier greets us with a
gate where a soldier greets us with a salute and a machine gun and the family
salute and a machine gun and the family
salute and a machine gun and the family Caravan rolls over a speed bump filled
Caravan rolls over a speed bump filled
Caravan rolls over a speed bump filled with enough explosives to deter any
with enough explosives to deter any
with enough explosives to deter any terrorist attack every day at work my
terrorist attack every day at work my
terrorist attack every day at work my father prepares for the possibility of
father prepares for the possibility of
father prepares for the possibility of war briefs treaties agreements aimed at
war briefs treaties agreements aimed at
war briefs treaties agreements aimed at controlling a body of water that covers
controlling a body of water that covers
controlling a body of water that covers two-thirds of the earth DEFCON 1 DEFCON
two-thirds of the earth DEFCON 1 DEFCON
two-thirds of the earth DEFCON 1 DEFCON 2 threat level red orange I know them
2 threat level red orange I know them
2 threat level red orange I know them all and I know my duty as a daughter of
all and I know my duty as a daughter of
all and I know my duty as a daughter of the military to be brave to be strong to
the military to be brave to be strong to
the military to be brave to be strong to be as sleek and efficient as the
be as sleek and efficient as the
be as sleek and efficient as the submarines that populate my days and
submarines that populate my days and
submarines that populate my days and when my father swims close to me and
when my father swims close to me and
when my father swims close to me and begins to tickle my sides watching me
begins to tickle my sides watching me
begins to tickle my sides watching me clutch and gasp I do what I must
clutch and gasp I do what I must
clutch and gasp I do what I must and I take the measures necessary to
and I take the measures necessary to
and I take the measures necessary to save myself I swim I do not let the
save myself I swim I do not let the
save myself I swim I do not let the waters take me down and I wait for my
waters take me down and I wait for my
waters take me down and I wait for my father to tell me that I have done well
this is what I notice nearly 40 years
this is what I notice nearly 40 years later what is remarkable to me about the
later what is remarkable to me about the
later what is remarkable to me about the story of giggle and drown that at the
story of giggle and drown that at the
story of giggle and drown that at the time as a military child living on a
time as a military child living on a
time as a military child living on a near military bases none of this was
near military bases none of this was
near military bases none of this was extraordinary it was all intensely
extraordinary it was all intensely
extraordinary it was all intensely familiar well-worn an intimate war and
familiar well-worn an intimate war and
familiar well-worn an intimate war and the possibility of war it was made
the possibility of war it was made
the possibility of war it was made ordinary by all those around me with my
ordinary by all those around me with my
ordinary by all those around me with my morning Cheerios I ingest did the
morning Cheerios I ingest did the
morning Cheerios I ingest did the missiles and the weapons and the
missiles and the weapons and the
missiles and the weapons and the soldiers humping guns along the side of
soldiers humping guns along the side of
soldiers humping guns along the side of the road while the other children built
the road while the other children built
the road while the other children built tree forts I learned to identify the
tree forts I learned to identify the
tree forts I learned to identify the fast attack class of subs well other
fast attack class of subs well other
fast attack class of subs well other children kept Diaries
children kept Diaries
children kept Diaries I had a page in mind with my friends
I had a page in mind with my friends
I had a page in mind with my friends listed and a blank space next to that so
listed and a blank space next to that so
listed and a blank space next to that so that I could write down their address
that I could write down their address
that I could write down their address and when they moved write them letters
and when they moved write them letters
and when they moved write them letters all who entered my life arrived as an
all who entered my life arrived as an
all who entered my life arrived as an absence and when my father told me to
absence and when my father told me to
absence and when my father told me to stop laughing and swim for the shore I
stop laughing and swim for the shore I
stop laughing and swim for the shore I did because he was strong you know how
did because he was strong you know how
did because he was strong you know how to legislate this sea itself if asked
to legislate this sea itself if asked
to legislate this sea itself if asked most of us could define post-traumatic
most of us could define post-traumatic
most of us could define post-traumatic stress disorder and the kinds of
stress disorder and the kinds of
stress disorder and the kinds of traumatic experiences that caused it we
traumatic experiences that caused it we
traumatic experiences that caused it we know how the selfish shattered how the
know how the selfish shattered how the
know how the selfish shattered how the trauma haunts how hard it is to heal
trauma haunts how hard it is to heal
trauma haunts how hard it is to heal what is less known perhaps is the fact
what is less known perhaps is the fact
what is less known perhaps is the fact that psychologists relied on the
that psychologists relied on the
that psychologists relied on the experience of Vietnam soldiers to first
experience of Vietnam soldiers to first
experience of Vietnam soldiers to first diagnose the disorder so it with
diagnose the disorder so it with
diagnose the disorder so it with soldiers in the battle scarred that gave
soldiers in the battle scarred that gave
soldiers in the battle scarred that gave us our defining examples of what
us our defining examples of what
us our defining examples of what constitutes trauma only later did her
constitutes trauma only later did her
constitutes trauma only later did her understanding of trauma move from the
understanding of trauma move from the
understanding of trauma move from the battlefield to the bedroom the kitchen
battlefield to the bedroom the kitchen
battlefield to the bedroom the kitchen those domestic spaces or victims face
those domestic spaces or victims face
those domestic spaces or victims face less literal shellings I know firsthand
less literal shellings I know firsthand
less literal shellings I know firsthand is a former military dependent the
is a former military dependent the
is a former military dependent the soldiers are not the only ones who
soldiers are not the only ones who
soldiers are not the only ones who suffer when living within a culture
suffer when living within a culture
suffer when living within a culture built on the possibility of war though
built on the possibility of war though
built on the possibility of war though they never see battle never hold a gun
they never see battle never hold a gun
they never see battle never hold a gun military children face a trauma that is
military children face a trauma that is
military children face a trauma that is all their own it is something I’ve
all their own it is something I’ve
all their own it is something I’ve learned to call ordinary trauma ordinary
learned to call ordinary trauma ordinary
learned to call ordinary trauma ordinary trauma when a series of events pass
trauma when a series of events pass
trauma when a series of events pass unnoticed are made to appear ordinary
unnoticed are made to appear ordinary
unnoticed are made to appear ordinary but wound nonetheless these moments
but wound nonetheless these moments
but wound nonetheless these moments they’re unnoticed and so easily denied
they’re unnoticed and so easily denied
they’re unnoticed and so easily denied how is driving over a speed bump filled
how is driving over a speed bump filled
how is driving over a speed bump filled with explosives traumatic a friend in a
with explosives traumatic a friend in a
with explosives traumatic a friend in a writing group asked me long ago I moved
writing group asked me long ago I moved
writing group asked me long ago I moved around a lot as well it wasn’t traumatic
around a lot as well it wasn’t traumatic
around a lot as well it wasn’t traumatic but that’s the thing about ordinary
but that’s the thing about ordinary
but that’s the thing about ordinary trauma it’s invisible
trauma it’s invisible
trauma it’s invisible nobody remarks on it because nobody sees
nobody remarks on it because nobody sees
nobody remarks on it because nobody sees it after Sunday school unsub base at
it after Sunday school unsub base at
it after Sunday school unsub base at Pearl Harbor children play on the backs
Pearl Harbor children play on the backs
Pearl Harbor children play on the backs of deactivated torpedoes painted to look
of deactivated torpedoes painted to look
of deactivated torpedoes painted to look like Barracuda they do not swing on
like Barracuda they do not swing on
like Barracuda they do not swing on swings and it means something to write a
swings and it means something to write a
swings and it means something to write a missile like a pony it’s telling that
missile like a pony it’s telling that
missile like a pony it’s telling that child something about the way the world
child something about the way the world
child something about the way the world works safety how peace is secured the
works safety how peace is secured the
works safety how peace is secured the child does not see this the parents do
child does not see this the parents do
child does not see this the parents do not see this the military is not
not see this the military is not
not see this the military is not intentionally causing harm and yet that
intentionally causing harm and yet that
intentionally causing harm and yet that child grows up
child grows up
child grows up Denine her body food in order to
Denine her body food in order to
Denine her body food in order to maintain the order and control instilled
maintain the order and control instilled
maintain the order and control instilled by the plane of taps and the flash and
by the plane of taps and the flash and
by the plane of taps and the flash and shine of her father’s shoes giggle and
shine of her father’s shoes giggle and
shine of her father’s shoes giggle and drown wood
drown wood
drown wood turn to me a second time when I
turn to me a second time when I
turn to me a second time when I graduated from the University of
graduated from the University of
graduated from the University of Nebraska as a valedictorian several
Nebraska as a valedictorian several
Nebraska as a valedictorian several people had perfect GPAs but I was the
people had perfect GPAs but I was the
people had perfect GPAs but I was the one chosen to give the address at the
one chosen to give the address at the
one chosen to give the address at the Honors Convocation having fought a late
Honors Convocation having fought a late
Honors Convocation having fought a late spring blizzard and bearing a ginger lay
spring blizzard and bearing a ginger lay
spring blizzard and bearing a ginger lay my father sat in the audience as he does
my father sat in the audience as he does
my father sat in the audience as he does tonight for my speech I told the story
tonight for my speech I told the story
tonight for my speech I told the story of giggle and drown I told the heroic
of giggle and drown I told the heroic
of giggle and drown I told the heroic version the one where I stopped laughing
version the one where I stopped laughing
version the one where I stopped laughing and save myself by swimming to shore the
and save myself by swimming to shore the
and save myself by swimming to shore the same way I had traveled 2,000 miles from
same way I had traveled 2,000 miles from
same way I had traveled 2,000 miles from home on my own and found my way at the
home on my own and found my way at the
home on my own and found my way at the University of Nebraska I left out the
University of Nebraska I left out the
University of Nebraska I left out the part about how I’d learned to regulate
part about how I’d learned to regulate
part about how I’d learned to regulate my body how living in a landlocked state
my body how living in a landlocked state
my body how living in a landlocked state away from my family and the structure of
away from my family and the structure of
away from my family and the structure of military life I had taken control not of
military life I had taken control not of
military life I had taken control not of the sea but of my eating and I watched
the sea but of my eating and I watched
the sea but of my eating and I watched myself dissolve
myself dissolve
myself dissolve I remember tiny scraps of paper like
I remember tiny scraps of paper like
I remember tiny scraps of paper like letters home listing the few calories
letters home listing the few calories
letters home listing the few calories I’d eaten that day and then stuffed into
I’d eaten that day and then stuffed into
I’d eaten that day and then stuffed into a desk drawer I remember days of eating
a desk drawer I remember days of eating
a desk drawer I remember days of eating when I lettuce carrots and Apple I would
when I lettuce carrots and Apple I would
when I lettuce carrots and Apple I would run for miles and miles and miles and
run for miles and miles and miles and
run for miles and miles and miles and then I would come home and jump rope for
then I would come home and jump rope for
then I would come home and jump rope for hours in the basement all while
hours in the basement all while
hours in the basement all while maintaining perfect grades and making
maintaining perfect grades and making
maintaining perfect grades and making the homecoming court I revealed none of
the homecoming court I revealed none of
the homecoming court I revealed none of this in my speech instead I followed the
this in my speech instead I followed the
this in my speech instead I followed the line I’d been taught to follow the one
line I’d been taught to follow the one
line I’d been taught to follow the one about fear strength and winning it all I
about fear strength and winning it all I
about fear strength and winning it all I knew that line well as well as my
knew that line well as well as my
knew that line well as well as my shrinking belly were the numbers on the
shrinking belly were the numbers on the
shrinking belly were the numbers on the scale intimately which is why
scale intimately which is why
scale intimately which is why four years later when my husband left me
four years later when my husband left me
four years later when my husband left me for another woman and my young marriage
for another woman and my young marriage
for another woman and my young marriage ended in divorce
ended in divorce
ended in divorce I was shattered for the first time
I was shattered for the first time
I was shattered for the first time failure consumed me public failure
failure consumed me public failure
failure consumed me public failure I could not hide in my dorm room or in
I could not hide in my dorm room or in
I could not hide in my dorm room or in tiny scraps of paper
tiny scraps of paper
tiny scraps of paper or miles of running I could not change
or miles of running I could not change
or miles of running I could not change the fact that my husband simply no
the fact that my husband simply no
the fact that my husband simply no longer loved me I had no choice but to
longer loved me I had no choice but to
longer loved me I had no choice but to hold that loss which ironically was also
hold that loss which ironically was also
hold that loss which ironically was also a truth the same truth I’ve been trying
a truth the same truth I’ve been trying
a truth the same truth I’ve been trying to star for years the understanding that
to star for years the understanding that
to star for years the understanding that sometimes no amount of preparation will
sometimes no amount of preparation will
sometimes no amount of preparation will prevent the bombs from falling I did not
prevent the bombs from falling I did not
prevent the bombs from falling I did not know it then but that first night alone
know it then but that first night alone
know it then but that first night alone in my queen sized bed husband gone
in my queen sized bed husband gone
in my queen sized bed husband gone parents gone ocean once again wrapping
parents gone ocean once again wrapping
parents gone ocean once again wrapping the island like a shawl I began to write
the island like a shawl I began to write
the island like a shawl I began to write what would become my memoir ordinary
what would become my memoir ordinary
what would become my memoir ordinary trauma at the time I had no intentions
trauma at the time I had no intentions
trauma at the time I had no intentions of writing a book I was just trying to
of writing a book I was just trying to
of writing a book I was just trying to make it to the morning and it would take
make it to the morning and it would take
make it to the morning and it would take me 20 years to write that book 20 years
me 20 years to write that book 20 years
me 20 years to write that book 20 years to find the line I wanted to follow the
to find the line I wanted to follow the
to find the line I wanted to follow the one I wanted to live my life by the
one I wanted to live my life by the
one I wanted to live my life by the understanding that the acceptance that
understanding that the acceptance that
understanding that the acceptance that the only constant in life is change
the only constant in life is change
the only constant in life is change and that is why control will always fail
giggle and Ron returned to me a third
giggle and Ron returned to me a third time when I was revising my memoir not
time when I was revising my memoir not
time when I was revising my memoir not the heroic version not the terrifying
the heroic version not the terrifying
the heroic version not the terrifying version but just as an ordinary moment
version but just as an ordinary moment
version but just as an ordinary moment the same kind of ordinary moments that
the same kind of ordinary moments that
the same kind of ordinary moments that fill our days but that we so rarely
fill our days but that we so rarely
fill our days but that we so rarely notice and when I swam back to that girl
notice and when I swam back to that girl
notice and when I swam back to that girl body swam back to that place in the
body swam back to that place in the
body swam back to that place in the shore where the earth slips away I felt
shore where the earth slips away I felt
shore where the earth slips away I felt fear sure but I also felt an intense
fear sure but I also felt an intense
fear sure but I also felt an intense presence of being present and the
presence of being present and the
presence of being present and the details around me rang clear like a bell
head thrown back face offered to the Sun
head thrown back face offered to the Sun light pouring down fiery and certain my
light pouring down fiery and certain my
light pouring down fiery and certain my father’s face close to mine he and I
father’s face close to mine he and I
father’s face close to mine he and I touching held in waters as warm as the
touching held in waters as warm as the
touching held in waters as warm as the womb carried by wave buoyed by wind
womb carried by wave buoyed by wind
womb carried by wave buoyed by wind always in motion unmoored but forever
always in motion unmoored but forever
always in motion unmoored but forever held fully alive and loved
”
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