[Applause] it is humbling to be up here today and
it is humbling to be up here today and
it is humbling to be up here today and while I often have to speak in front of
while I often have to speak in front of
while I often have to speak in front of people for my job I’m not the sort of
people for my job I’m not the sort of
people for my job I’m not the sort of person who generally gives talks I am an
person who generally gives talks I am an
person who generally gives talks I am an incredibly average human but I haven’t
incredibly average human but I haven’t
incredibly average human but I haven’t lived a typical life and I hope that by
lived a typical life and I hope that by
lived a typical life and I hope that by sharing some of my life with you today I
sharing some of my life with you today I
sharing some of my life with you today I can also share a simple idea that is
can also share a simple idea that is
can also share a simple idea that is part of how I’ve become who I’ve become
part of how I’ve become who I’ve become
part of how I’ve become who I’ve become when I was a little girl I never thought
when I was a little girl I never thought
when I was a little girl I never thought I would be Who I am today
I would be Who I am today
I would be Who I am today never thought I’d be married never
never thought I’d be married never
never thought I’d be married never thought I’d be a parent never thought
thought I’d be a parent never thought
thought I’d be a parent never thought I’d be the sort of person who puts on
I’d be the sort of person who puts on
I’d be the sort of person who puts on nice clothes and goes to a beautiful
nice clothes and goes to a beautiful
nice clothes and goes to a beautiful building to work every day when I was a
building to work every day when I was a
building to work every day when I was a little girl that’s what I said I said
little girl that’s what I said I said
little girl that’s what I said I said when I was a little girl the thing is
when I was a little girl the thing is
when I was a little girl the thing is that to tell you a story about my
that to tell you a story about my
that to tell you a story about my childhood I have to make a lot of
childhood I have to make a lot of
childhood I have to make a lot of decisions do I give you all the context
decisions do I give you all the context
decisions do I give you all the context do I say I want to tell you a little bit
do I say I want to tell you a little bit
do I say I want to tell you a little bit about myself I want to tell you a story
about myself I want to tell you a story
about myself I want to tell you a story about my childhood and in order to
about my childhood and in order to
about my childhood and in order to understand that story I have to tell you
understand that story I have to tell you
understand that story I have to tell you some things about me you see when I was
some things about me you see when I was
some things about me you see when I was a kid I was a girl and then I grew up
a kid I was a girl and then I grew up
a kid I was a girl and then I grew up and I became a lesbian and kind of a
and I became a lesbian and kind of a
and I became a lesbian and kind of a butch lesbian and some time around when
butch lesbian and some time around when
butch lesbian and some time around when I was 40 I decided I would be happier
I was 40 I decided I would be happier
I was 40 I decided I would be happier and healthier if I transitioned so here
and healthier if I transitioned so here
and healthier if I transitioned so here I am
I am
I am or do I lie a little lies of omission
or do I lie a little lies of omission
or do I lie a little lies of omission and say well that was a little kid I or
and say well that was a little kid I or
and say well that was a little kid I or do I lie a lot and say when I was a
do I lie a lot and say when I was a
do I lie a lot and say when I was a little boy well there’s sometimes the
little boy well there’s sometimes the
little boy well there’s sometimes the stories don’t make sense then or do I
stories don’t make sense then or do I
stories don’t make sense then or do I just dive in when I was a little girl
just dive in when I was a little girl
just dive in when I was a little girl and let you figure it out humans are
and let you figure it out humans are
and let you figure it out humans are social animals we want to get to know
social animals we want to get to know
social animals we want to get to know each other and so sometimes even the
each other and so sometimes even the
each other and so sometimes even the simplest conversations can become
simplest conversations can become
simplest conversations can become minefields of self-revelation
how do I connect to you how do I feel
how do I connect to you how do I feel like I’m part of a community scene and
like I’m part of a community scene and
like I’m part of a community scene and safe when even starting a simple
safe when even starting a simple
safe when even starting a simple conversation is so loaded
conversation is so loaded
conversation is so loaded I got married a couple of years ago and
I got married a couple of years ago and
I got married a couple of years ago and if you had seen me the next day after
if you had seen me the next day after
if you had seen me the next day after that weekend that I got married you
that weekend that I got married you
that weekend that I got married you would have and you didn’t really know me
would have and you didn’t really know me
would have and you didn’t really know me and you said how was your weekend I
and you said how was your weekend I
and you said how was your weekend I would have said it was great I got
would have said it was great I got
would have said it was great I got married a couple of years ago and you
married a couple of years ago and you
married a couple of years ago and you would probably say congratulations or
would probably say congratulations or
would probably say congratulations or why you back at work so soon maybe it
why you back at work so soon maybe it
why you back at work so soon maybe it should be away somewhere if you knew me
should be away somewhere if you knew me
should be away somewhere if you knew me a little bit you probably would have
a little bit you probably would have
a little bit you probably would have said I think I guys been married for a
said I think I guys been married for a
said I think I guys been married for a long time I wonder what happened and you
long time I wonder what happened and you
long time I wonder what happened and you walk away shaking your head or I could
walk away shaking your head or I could
walk away shaking your head or I could tell the whole story I got married a
tell the whole story I got married a
tell the whole story I got married a couple of years ago for the third time
couple of years ago for the third time
couple of years ago for the third time to the same amazing woman
to the same amazing woman
to the same amazing woman I married the first time in 1997 in
I married the first time in 1997 in
I married the first time in 1997 in front of family and friends and God but
front of family and friends and God but
front of family and friends and God but not so much the IRS because in 1997 I
not so much the IRS because in 1997 I
not so much the IRS because in 1997 I was a lesbian and gay marriage wasn’t
was a lesbian and gay marriage wasn’t
was a lesbian and gay marriage wasn’t legal I got married again a number of
legal I got married again a number of
legal I got married again a number of years later early in the struggle for
years later early in the struggle for
years later early in the struggle for marriage equality when Gavin Newsom who
marriage equality when Gavin Newsom who
marriage equality when Gavin Newsom who was then the mayor of San Francisco open
was then the mayor of San Francisco open
was then the mayor of San Francisco open City Hall and deputized a whole bunch of
City Hall and deputized a whole bunch of
City Hall and deputized a whole bunch of people and married countless couples we
people and married countless couples we
people and married countless couples we stood on line for hours that day with my
stood on line for hours that day with my
stood on line for hours that day with my in-laws and my toddler kids and in a
in-laws and my toddler kids and in a
in-laws and my toddler kids and in a line with the happiest hundreds of
line with the happiest hundreds of
line with the happiest hundreds of people who have ever stood for hours in
people who have ever stood for hours in
people who have ever stood for hours in line for anything that marriage was
line for anything that marriage was
line for anything that marriage was vacated by the state soon after finally
vacated by the state soon after finally
vacated by the state soon after finally on my 18th anniversary I got married
on my 18th anniversary I got married
on my 18th anniversary I got married again again in front of my family and
again again in front of my family and
again again in front of my family and friends in the backyard of a good friend
friends in the backyard of a good friend
friends in the backyard of a good friend of mine because even though I’ve got a
of mine because even though I’ve got a
of mine because even though I’ve got a beard and a tie I’m still legally female
beard and a tie I’m still legally female
beard and a tie I’m still legally female and marriage equality had finally passed
and marriage equality had finally passed
and marriage equality had finally passed and we could finally marry marry legally
a lot of people who said to me over the
a lot of people who said to me over the years that I’m lucky because unlike a
years that I’m lucky because unlike a
years that I’m lucky because unlike a lot of my trans peers I pass when you
lot of my trans peers I pass when you
lot of my trans peers I pass when you look at me when most people look at me
look at me when most people look at me
look at me when most people look at me they see kind of an average middle-aged
they see kind of an average middle-aged
they see kind of an average middle-aged guy with thinning hair and well that
guy with thinning hair and well that
guy with thinning hair and well that probably makes my life easier I don’t
probably makes my life easier I don’t
probably makes my life easier I don’t think that it’s necessarily my good luck
think that it’s necessarily my good luck
think that it’s necessarily my good luck because passing becomes hiding and
because passing becomes hiding and
because passing becomes hiding and hiding erases my history not all trans
hiding erases my history not all trans
hiding erases my history not all trans folks think that way we don’t all have
folks think that way we don’t all have
folks think that way we don’t all have the same story and we don’t all have the
the same story and we don’t all have the
the same story and we don’t all have the story that maybe you know I never felt
story that maybe you know I never felt
story that maybe you know I never felt like a man trapped in a woman’s body I
like a man trapped in a woman’s body I
like a man trapped in a woman’s body I just didn’t really understand how gender
just didn’t really understand how gender
just didn’t really understand how gender bonus or girl nests really applied to me
bonus or girl nests really applied to me
bonus or girl nests really applied to me I don’t think it’s an either/or question
I don’t think it’s an either/or question
I don’t think it’s an either/or question I’m not sure that I feel any more like a
I’m not sure that I feel any more like a
I’m not sure that I feel any more like a man today then I felt like a woman then
man today then I felt like a woman then
man today then I felt like a woman then and it’s a struggle in my whole life to
and it’s a struggle in my whole life to
and it’s a struggle in my whole life to be able to say that on any day
be able to say that on any day
be able to say that on any day throughout all of the things that I’ve
throughout all of the things that I’ve
throughout all of the things that I’ve been that I can feel proud of those
been that I can feel proud of those
been that I can feel proud of those things and then I can feel and honor
things and then I can feel and honor
things and then I can feel and honor myself that little girl the butch
myself that little girl the butch
myself that little girl the butch lesbian the person that my kids used to
lesbian the person that my kids used to
lesbian the person that my kids used to call mama 40 year old woman a fifty year
call mama 40 year old woman a fifty year
call mama 40 year old woman a fifty year old man and on my best days I feel like
old man and on my best days I feel like
old man and on my best days I feel like I was exactly the right person every
I was exactly the right person every
I was exactly the right person every place along the way and on my worst days
place along the way and on my worst days
place along the way and on my worst days my worst days I questioned and I wonder
my worst days I questioned and I wonder
my worst days I questioned and I wonder and I regret part of every decision that
and I regret part of every decision that
and I regret part of every decision that I ever made my story my coming-of-age
I ever made my story my coming-of-age
I ever made my story my coming-of-age story is one of a process of
story is one of a process of
story is one of a process of self-revelation
self-revelation
self-revelation of learning of my identity just like
of learning of my identity just like
of learning of my identity just like every one of you my story sets me apart
every one of you my story sets me apart
every one of you my story sets me apart I didn’t live a typical life but I’m
I didn’t live a typical life but I’m
I didn’t live a typical life but I’m pretty sure that none of you have either
pretty sure that none of you have either
pretty sure that none of you have either when people ask me to tell my story I
when people ask me to tell my story I
when people ask me to tell my story I usually start with the places that I’m
usually start with the places that I’m
usually start with the places that I’m different
different
different I’ve come to think that maybe that’s not
I’ve come to think that maybe that’s not
I’ve come to think that maybe that’s not the best idea not because I want to hide
the best idea not because I want to hide
the best idea not because I want to hide but because I want to connect the places
but because I want to connect the places
but because I want to connect the places of the things that we have in common are
of the things that we have in common are
of the things that we have in common are the things that bring us together and
the things that bring us together and
the things that bring us together and together we thrive I read the other day
together we thrive I read the other day
together we thrive I read the other day somewhere that the primary indicator for
somewhere that the primary indicator for
somewhere that the primary indicator for longevity for people is social
longevity for people is social
longevity for people is social connection the data even says that
connection the data even says that
connection the data even says that together we thrive but there’s a quirk
together we thrive but there’s a quirk
together we thrive but there’s a quirk of human nature that subverts our
of human nature that subverts our
of human nature that subverts our ability to be our best selves to live
ability to be our best selves to live
ability to be our best selves to live our best lives when we meet people when
our best lives when we meet people when
our best lives when we meet people when we try and find common ground sometimes
we try and find common ground sometimes
we try and find common ground sometimes we find difference when we find that
we find difference when we find that
we find difference when we find that difference difference is all we can see
difference difference is all we can see
difference difference is all we can see a difference makes us afraid it’s
a difference makes us afraid it’s
a difference makes us afraid it’s probably a survival instinct of some
probably a survival instinct of some
probably a survival instinct of some kind and that instinct the cost of that
kind and that instinct the cost of that
kind and that instinct the cost of that instinct is fear and the cost of that
instinct is fear and the cost of that
instinct is fear and the cost of that instinct is hatred and the cost of that
instinct is hatred and the cost of that
instinct is hatred and the cost of that instinct is violence violence against
instinct is violence violence against
instinct is violence violence against trans people and gender non-conforming
trans people and gender non-conforming
trans people and gender non-conforming people has increased every year between
people has increased every year between
people has increased every year between 2014 and 2015 the rates of murder among
2014 and 2015 the rates of murder among
2014 and 2015 the rates of murder among trans people particularly trans women of
trans people particularly trans women of
trans people particularly trans women of color doubled and it’s increased every
color doubled and it’s increased every
color doubled and it’s increased every year since then
year since then
year since then it’s mothers and sisters murdered sons
it’s mothers and sisters murdered sons
it’s mothers and sisters murdered sons and brothers beaten people who love to
and brothers beaten people who love to
and brothers beaten people who love to cook people who drive to work people who
cook people who drive to work people who
cook people who drive to work people who are trying to save just enough money
are trying to save just enough money
are trying to save just enough money maybe to be able to retire someday just
maybe to be able to retire someday just
maybe to be able to retire someday just like me just like you what brings us
like me just like you what brings us
like me just like you what brings us together are the things that we have in
together are the things that we have in
together are the things that we have in common I don’t think of myself as an
common I don’t think of myself as an
common I don’t think of myself as an activist but I feel like I lived
activist but I feel like I lived
activist but I feel like I lived something of an activist life and what
something of an activist life and what
something of an activist life and what that means is that while I’ve been to my
that means is that while I’ve been to my
that means is that while I’ve been to my share of marches and I’ve been to my
share of marches and I’ve been to my
share of marches and I’ve been to my share of meetings and actions the most
share of meetings and actions the most
share of meetings and actions the most important thing that I’ve done to do
important thing that I’ve done to do
important thing that I’ve done to do good work in this world is to live
good work in this world is to live
good work in this world is to live authentically never hiding a long time
authentically never hiding a long time
authentically never hiding a long time ago before I transitioned I used to have
ago before I transitioned I used to have
ago before I transitioned I used to have a job as a as a speech therapist and one
a job as a as a speech therapist and one
a job as a as a speech therapist and one of the things I did in that role because
of the things I did in that role because
of the things I did in that role because I supervised a lot of different nursing
I supervised a lot of different nursing
I supervised a lot of different nursing homes was to do trainings
homes was to do trainings
homes was to do trainings training’s of really boring stuff like
training’s of really boring stuff like
training’s of really boring stuff like Medicare regulations me traveled around
Medicare regulations me traveled around
Medicare regulations me traveled around the country doing those trainings I was
the country doing those trainings I was
the country doing those trainings I was sent one time to Arkansas to do that
sent one time to Arkansas to do that
sent one time to Arkansas to do that training just outside of Little Rock and
training just outside of Little Rock and
training just outside of Little Rock and I went and I did my training and I met
I went and I did my training and I met
I went and I did my training and I met my peers and things went really well and
my peers and things went really well and
my peers and things went really well and we went out to dinner and we had drinks
we went out to dinner and we had drinks
we went out to dinner and we had drinks and I met with the director of the
and I met with the director of the
and I met with the director of the program and then I came back to my home
program and then I came back to my home
program and then I came back to my home in California and I met with my
in California and I met with my
in California and I met with my supervisor who said I heard amazing
supervisor who said I heard amazing
supervisor who said I heard amazing things about your trainings in Arkansas
things about your trainings in Arkansas
things about your trainings in Arkansas but the director of the program reached
but the director of the program reached
but the director of the program reached out to me and she said if she wants to
out to me and she said if she wants to
out to me and she said if she wants to come back to Arkansas
come back to Arkansas
come back to Arkansas she probably better carry a purse it’s
she probably better carry a purse it’s
she probably better carry a purse it’s not always easy to be deliver your
not always easy to be deliver your
not always easy to be deliver your authentic life it’s not always safe to
authentic life it’s not always safe to
authentic life it’s not always safe to be out to be queer to be a father who
be out to be queer to be a father who
be out to be queer to be a father who was once a mother a man who was never a
was once a mother a man who was never a
was once a mother a man who was never a boy human and common formed in the image
boy human and common formed in the image
boy human and common formed in the image of the divine just like all of you
of the divine just like all of you
of the divine just like all of you sometimes when I talk about myself I
sometimes when I talk about myself I
sometimes when I talk about myself I start by talking about the ways that I’m
start by talking about the ways that I’m
start by talking about the ways that I’m different
different
different start from difference because I think
start from difference because I think
start from difference because I think that’s what makes me interesting but
that’s what makes me interesting but
that’s what makes me interesting but I’ve actually come to believe that
I’ve actually come to believe that
I’ve actually come to believe that that’s probably really not right that I
that’s probably really not right that I
that’s probably really not right that I should start from common ground from
should start from common ground from
should start from common ground from where were the same because being I
where were the same because being I
where were the same because being I knowing where we’re the same is the
knowing where we’re the same is the
knowing where we’re the same is the thing that brings us together sometimes
thing that brings us together sometimes
thing that brings us together sometimes I think that we spent a lot of time just
I think that we spent a lot of time just
I think that we spent a lot of time just talking about who we are and why and we
talking about who we are and why and we
talking about who we are and why and we forget that we can all come together
forget that we can all come together
forget that we can all come together that we have power when we’re together
that we have power when we’re together
that we have power when we’re together and in order to do that I kind of have a
and in order to do that I kind of have a
and in order to do that I kind of have a little practice that I do and I practice
little practice that I do and I practice
little practice that I do and I practice is kind of a phrase that I hate so I’m
is kind of a phrase that I hate so I’m
is kind of a phrase that I hate so I’m gonna say it a different way there’s a
gonna say it a different way there’s a
gonna say it a different way there’s a thing that I do that helps remind me how
thing that I do that helps remind me how
thing that I do that helps remind me how to be in the moment how to be together
to be in the moment how to be together
to be in the moment how to be together how to be
how to be
how to be what do you do is when I meet people I
what do you do is when I meet people I
what do you do is when I meet people I tried to assume that we’re all exactly
tried to assume that we’re all exactly
tried to assume that we’re all exactly alike that were human that were
alike that were human that were
alike that were human that were completely human and that were
completely human and that were
completely human and that were interesting and I think to myself what
interesting and I think to myself what
interesting and I think to myself what is it that I would want somebody to know
is it that I would want somebody to know
is it that I would want somebody to know about me what questions what I ask
about me what questions what I ask
about me what questions what I ask and so I ponder that and I say what are
and so I ponder that and I say what are
and so I ponder that and I say what are you proud of and then I think what did
you proud of and then I think what did
you proud of and then I think what did you have for lunch today and did you
you have for lunch today and did you
you have for lunch today and did you pack it yourself or did you buy it when
pack it yourself or did you buy it when
pack it yourself or did you buy it when you got to work who loves you and what
you got to work who loves you and what
you got to work who loves you and what would they say to me if I asked them why
would they say to me if I asked them why
would they say to me if I asked them why I don’t think that doing this thing will
I don’t think that doing this thing will
I don’t think that doing this thing will change government policy but I know we
change government policy but I know we
change government policy but I know we need to do that
need to do that
need to do that I don’t think doing this thing will end
I don’t think doing this thing will end
I don’t think doing this thing will end violence what I do think is that it
violence what I do think is that it
violence what I do think is that it could help me feel like you like you
could help me feel like you like you
could help me feel like you like you think that I count and that you can
think that I count and that you can
think that I count and that you can count on me and that I can count on you
count on me and that I can count on you
count on me and that I can count on you if we can do that we can be strong
if we can do that we can be strong
if we can do that we can be strong enough to make that change thank you
enough to make that change thank you
enough to make that change thank you [Applause]
[Applause]
[Applause] you
”
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