thank you everybody have a good lunch yeah you nice and full good that’s high
yeah you nice and full good that’s high
yeah you nice and full good that’s high prefer my audience is stuffed and sleepy
prefer my audience is stuffed and sleepy
prefer my audience is stuffed and sleepy so I’d like to begin by confessing to
so I’d like to begin by confessing to
so I’d like to begin by confessing to you my deepest most shameful secret I
you my deepest most shameful secret I
you my deepest most shameful secret I don’t know how to use PowerPoint that’s
don’t know how to use PowerPoint that’s
don’t know how to use PowerPoint that’s what we got I I don’t have a slide show
what we got I I don’t have a slide show
what we got I I don’t have a slide show anything impressive like that I have
anything impressive like that I have
anything impressive like that I have words I have meaning that’s what she got
words I have meaning that’s what she got
words I have meaning that’s what she got from me I’m Susannah Lee a stand-up
from me I’m Susannah Lee a stand-up
from me I’m Susannah Lee a stand-up comedian storyteller writer performance
comedian storyteller writer performance
comedian storyteller writer performance provocateur and artists using words as
provocateur and artists using words as
provocateur and artists using words as my medium I’ve always talked too much
my medium I’ve always talked too much
my medium I’ve always talked too much and now on my best days it’s how I pay
and now on my best days it’s how I pay
and now on my best days it’s how I pay the bills so where does something like
the bills so where does something like
the bills so where does something like me come from like many of us a mom and a
me come from like many of us a mom and a
me come from like many of us a mom and a dad they contribute our genetic material
dad they contribute our genetic material
dad they contribute our genetic material and define what we see shaping it into
and define what we see shaping it into
and define what we see shaping it into the world that we know my mom was a
the world that we know my mom was a
the world that we know my mom was a strong woman a Girl Scout troop leader
strong woman a Girl Scout troop leader
strong woman a Girl Scout troop leader with a big bohemian heart ultra-liberal
with a big bohemian heart ultra-liberal
with a big bohemian heart ultra-liberal with an impressive collection of NPR
with an impressive collection of NPR
with an impressive collection of NPR fundraiser mugs and tote bags
fundraiser mugs and tote bags
fundraiser mugs and tote bags my dad was larger than life a super
my dad was larger than life a super
my dad was larger than life a super popular morning DJ and big personality a
popular morning DJ and big personality a
popular morning DJ and big personality a folk hero Paul Bunyan with a microphone
folk hero Paul Bunyan with a microphone
folk hero Paul Bunyan with a microphone everyone knew him and had a story about
everyone knew him and had a story about
everyone knew him and had a story about him dropping his name at the door got me
him dropping his name at the door got me
him dropping his name at the door got me into many a bar before I was 21
into many a bar before I was 21
into many a bar before I was 21 watching the public respond to him was
watching the public respond to him was
watching the public respond to him was my first linking of humor to adoration
my first linking of humor to adoration
my first linking of humor to adoration if you can make people come out of the
if you can make people come out of the
if you can make people come out of the depths of their own minds enough to
depths of their own minds enough to
depths of their own minds enough to laugh they will love you forever and I
laugh they will love you forever and I
laugh they will love you forever and I loved my parents I did I loved them and
loved my parents I did I loved them and
loved my parents I did I loved them and they loved me too I never ever doubted
they loved me too I never ever doubted
they loved me too I never ever doubted that not so much each other though their
that not so much each other though their
that not so much each other though their relationship was tumultuous a real
relationship was tumultuous a real
relationship was tumultuous a real roller coaster I remember a lot of
roller coaster I remember a lot of
roller coaster I remember a lot of explosive anger and loud fighting from
explosive anger and loud fighting from
explosive anger and loud fighting from my childhood in my house
my childhood in my house
my childhood in my house piano benches were for throwing that’s
piano benches were for throwing that’s
piano benches were for throwing that’s how they would punctuate a point during
how they would punctuate a point during
how they would punctuate a point during an argument to let the other one know
an argument to let the other one know
an argument to let the other one know that they really meant what they just
that they really meant what they just
that they really meant what they just said I could tell them
said I could tell them
said I could tell them magnitude of the argument by where the
magnitude of the argument by where the
magnitude of the argument by where the bench ended up if it was merely knocked
bench ended up if it was merely knocked
bench ended up if it was merely knocked over it was probably a mild storm
over it was probably a mild storm
over it was probably a mild storm everything was probably fine if it was
everything was probably fine if it was
everything was probably fine if it was thrown into the next room there might be
thrown into the next room there might be
thrown into the next room there might be a few more days of thunder and lightning
a few more days of thunder and lightning
a few more days of thunder and lightning and I know it could have been worse i
and I know it could have been worse i
and I know it could have been worse i watch Law & Order SVU I’m very aware
watch Law & Order SVU I’m very aware
watch Law & Order SVU I’m very aware that I grew up in a pretty tame version
that I grew up in a pretty tame version
that I grew up in a pretty tame version of what could have been but there’s a
of what could have been but there’s a
of what could have been but there’s a Mark Twain quote that’s always stuck
Mark Twain quote that’s always stuck
Mark Twain quote that’s always stuck with me
with me
with me a child’s loss of a doll and a king’s
a child’s loss of a doll and a king’s
a child’s loss of a doll and a king’s loss of a crown are events of the same
loss of a crown are events of the same
loss of a crown are events of the same size which is applicable not just to
size which is applicable not just to
size which is applicable not just to loss but to all emotions including fear
loss but to all emotions including fear
loss but to all emotions including fear meaning that their effect and intensity
meaning that their effect and intensity
meaning that their effect and intensity isn’t quantified on a comparative scale
isn’t quantified on a comparative scale
isn’t quantified on a comparative scale to anyone else’s experience only how
to anyone else’s experience only how
to anyone else’s experience only how they resonate with us individually so
they resonate with us individually so
they resonate with us individually so even though no one is getting choked or
even though no one is getting choked or
even though no one is getting choked or stabbed or thrown out of a 12-story
stabbed or thrown out of a 12-story
stabbed or thrown out of a 12-story window again like I said a lot of law
window again like I said a lot of law
window again like I said a lot of law and order it was still tense and
and order it was still tense and
and order it was still tense and uncomfortable it was an ongoing powder
uncomfortable it was an ongoing powder
uncomfortable it was an ongoing powder keg
keg
keg I never knew when things were gonna
I never knew when things were gonna
I never knew when things were gonna explode I never knew who was coming home
explode I never knew who was coming home
explode I never knew who was coming home from work would it be angry dad would it
from work would it be angry dad would it
from work would it be angry dad would it be martyred but ready to fight mom would
be martyred but ready to fight mom would
be martyred but ready to fight mom would it be disengaged dad happy mom it was a
it be disengaged dad happy mom it was a
it be disengaged dad happy mom it was a lot to try and predict and prepare for
lot to try and predict and prepare for
lot to try and predict and prepare for and still get homework done so despite
and still get homework done so despite
and still get homework done so despite how much I loved my parents I couldn’t
how much I loved my parents I couldn’t
how much I loved my parents I couldn’t wait to get away from the shaky ground I
wait to get away from the shaky ground I
wait to get away from the shaky ground I think I’m the only kid in history that
think I’m the only kid in history that
think I’m the only kid in history that begged to go to military school my dad
begged to go to military school my dad
begged to go to military school my dad they’ve made the mistake of threatening
they’ve made the mistake of threatening
they’ve made the mistake of threatening me with it once and I just wouldn’t let
me with it once and I just wouldn’t let
me with it once and I just wouldn’t let it go you know he said if you don’t
it go you know he said if you don’t
it go you know he said if you don’t buckle down and start doing things right
buckle down and start doing things right
buckle down and start doing things right get the work then you will end up in
get the work then you will end up in
get the work then you will end up in military school and I said can we just
military school and I said can we just
military school and I said can we just skip to that seriously I brought home
skip to that seriously I brought home
skip to that seriously I brought home brochures though I can’t imagine that I
brochures though I can’t imagine that I
brochures though I can’t imagine that I would I would have fared very well there
would I would have fared very well there
would I would have fared very well there because although my parents are big on
because although my parents are big on
because although my parents are big on big on being mad and yelling they were
big on being mad and yelling they were
big on being mad and yelling they were not big on discipline kind of the
not big on discipline kind of the
not big on discipline kind of the opposite really
opposite really
opposite really my parents trusted my judgment enough to
my parents trusted my judgment enough to
my parents trusted my judgment enough to let me not only run as wild as I wanted
let me not only run as wild as I wanted
let me not only run as wild as I wanted but also to defend me whenever I was
but also to defend me whenever I was
but also to defend me whenever I was called into question
called into question
called into question there were many assistant principals
there were many assistant principals
there were many assistant principals counselors and mall cops who ended up
counselors and mall cops who ended up
counselors and mall cops who ended up very sorry that they questioned my
very sorry that they questioned my
very sorry that they questioned my ethics morality or legality after the
ethics morality or legality after the
ethics morality or legality after the thorough verbal beating they took from
thorough verbal beating they took from
thorough verbal beating they took from my father for having tread on precious
my father for having tread on precious
my father for having tread on precious irrepressible me the only thing that
irrepressible me the only thing that
irrepressible me the only thing that I was ever officially punished for was
I was ever officially punished for was
I was ever officially punished for was lying it was unacceptable top crime in
lying it was unacceptable top crime in
lying it was unacceptable top crime in our little micro Kingdom I was grounded
our little micro Kingdom I was grounded
our little micro Kingdom I was grounded one time in my life and it wasn’t for
one time in my life and it wasn’t for
one time in my life and it wasn’t for staying out all night in dangerous
staying out all night in dangerous
staying out all night in dangerous places with dangerous people doing
places with dangerous people doing
places with dangerous people doing dangerous things which is exactly what I
dangerous things which is exactly what I
dangerous things which is exactly what I was doing I was punished for lying to my
was doing I was punished for lying to my
was doing I was punished for lying to my parents about it for not having enough
parents about it for not having enough
parents about it for not having enough respect for them to allow them the
respect for them to allow them the
respect for them to allow them the chance to show me that they trusted me
chance to show me that they trusted me
chance to show me that they trusted me enough to explore life and still keep
enough to explore life and still keep
enough to explore life and still keep myself on the up-and-up which they did
myself on the up-and-up which they did
myself on the up-and-up which they did but dishonesty is disrespect so when I
but dishonesty is disrespect so when I
but dishonesty is disrespect so when I was 20 and learned that my father had
was 20 and learned that my father had
was 20 and learned that my father had been having an affair for a few years
been having an affair for a few years
been having an affair for a few years the hypocrisy hit me really hard though
the hypocrisy hit me really hard though
the hypocrisy hit me really hard though I wasn’t deep enough into myself to know
I wasn’t deep enough into myself to know
I wasn’t deep enough into myself to know that that was the reason so I credited
that that was the reason so I credited
that that was the reason so I credited my anger to the pain he’d caused my
my anger to the pain he’d caused my
my anger to the pain he’d caused my mother the betrayal of our family which
mother the betrayal of our family which
mother the betrayal of our family which was scotch tape together at best and
was scotch tape together at best and
was scotch tape together at best and after I had my obligatory Lifetime movie
after I had my obligatory Lifetime movie
after I had my obligatory Lifetime movie level dramatic outburst I refused to
level dramatic outburst I refused to
level dramatic outburst I refused to speak to him for about a year when I let
speak to him for about a year when I let
speak to him for about a year when I let him back into my life it was because my
him back into my life it was because my
him back into my life it was because my mother asked me to
mother asked me to
mother asked me to she said it would make the divorce
she said it would make the divorce
she said it would make the divorce easier for her but I kept him at arm’s
easier for her but I kept him at arm’s
easier for her but I kept him at arm’s distance it was like I fired an employee
distance it was like I fired an employee
distance it was like I fired an employee and hired him back as an outside
and hired him back as an outside
and hired him back as an outside consultant you know you’re back in the
consultant you know you’re back in the
consultant you know you’re back in the building but your key card doesn’t open
building but your key card doesn’t open
building but your key card doesn’t open the executive bathroom anymore don’t get
the executive bathroom anymore don’t get
the executive bathroom anymore don’t get pissy that you’re peeing with the
pissy that you’re peeing with the
pissy that you’re peeing with the administrative assistants just be happy
administrative assistants just be happy
administrative assistants just be happy that you’re in the building at all our
that you’re in the building at all our
that you’re in the building at all our conversations were short and and
conversations were short and and
conversations were short and and personal we talked about work the
personal we talked about work the
personal we talked about work the weather movies you know like first date
weather movies you know like first date
weather movies you know like first date conversations we never discussed the
conversations we never discussed the
conversations we never discussed the rift we just moved on from it
rift we just moved on from it
rift we just moved on from it reconnected with me being a stubborn
reconnected with me being a stubborn
reconnected with me being a stubborn little apple falling close to his
little apple falling close to his
little apple falling close to his prideful tree in 1998 I was living in
prideful tree in 1998 I was living in
prideful tree in 1998 I was living in Chicago he in Green Bay he went to the
Chicago he in Green Bay he went to the
Chicago he in Green Bay he went to the doctor for a little bit of chest pain
doctor for a little bit of chest pain
doctor for a little bit of chest pain and it turned out that he needed an
and it turned out that he needed an
and it turned out that he needed an emergency quintuple heart bypass he had
emergency quintuple heart bypass he had
emergency quintuple heart bypass he had five arteries blocked over 80% he called
five arteries blocked over 80% he called
five arteries blocked over 80% he called and told me and I dropped everything to
and told me and I dropped everything to
and told me and I dropped everything to be there I’d be like literally I hung up
be there I’d be like literally I hung up
be there I’d be like literally I hung up the phone
the phone
the phone walked off of my job got in my car and
walked off of my job got in my car and
walked off of my job got in my car and drove the five hours just because he
drove the five hours just because he
drove the five hours just because he needed me just because he thought enough
needed me just because he thought enough
needed me just because he thought enough of me after everything to want me there
of me after everything to want me there
of me after everything to want me there to find me comforting after the surgery
to find me comforting after the surgery
to find me comforting after the surgery he changed
he changed
he changed you change his whole life it started
you change his whole life it started
you change his whole life it started with his diet and bled into everything
with his diet and bled into everything
with his diet and bled into everything he was putting himself his health his
he was putting himself his health his
he was putting himself his health his happiness first which is what we’re
happiness first which is what we’re
happiness first which is what we’re supposed to do right and I resented the
supposed to do right and I resented the
supposed to do right and I resented the out of it
out of it
out of it how dare he give up the quest from my
how dare he give up the quest from my
how dare he give up the quest from my exoneration when I still sought his
exoneration when I still sought his
exoneration when I still sought his approval I mean a few years later when I
approval I mean a few years later when I
approval I mean a few years later when I got quicky married I still made my near
got quicky married I still made my near
got quicky married I still made my near stranger groom-to-be call my dad and ask
stranger groom-to-be call my dad and ask
stranger groom-to-be call my dad and ask for my hand on the way to the Vegas
for my hand on the way to the Vegas
for my hand on the way to the Vegas wedding chapel and is dated in
wedding chapel and is dated in
wedding chapel and is dated in misogynistic is that tradition is I
misogynistic is that tradition is I
misogynistic is that tradition is I thought my dad would appreciate it like
thought my dad would appreciate it like
thought my dad would appreciate it like halfway for humorous sake we had the
halfway for humorous sake we had the
halfway for humorous sake we had the same sense of humor but also out of that
same sense of humor but also out of that
same sense of humor but also out of that need for his approval for him to say
need for his approval for him to say
need for his approval for him to say that what I was doing was okay I wasn’t
that what I was doing was okay I wasn’t
that what I was doing was okay I wasn’t heading down the wrong road he did not
heading down the wrong road he did not
heading down the wrong road he did not give it but I still said I do now when I
give it but I still said I do now when I
give it but I still said I do now when I was writing this I went online looking
was writing this I went online looking
was writing this I went online looking for the perfect transitional quote for
for the perfect transitional quote for
for the perfect transitional quote for this point in this story and I found a
this point in this story and I found a
this point in this story and I found a million that all said basically the same
million that all said basically the same
million that all said basically the same thing which is that without actively
thing which is that without actively
thing which is that without actively working for other outcomes our
working for other outcomes our
working for other outcomes our relationships mimic what we see in our
relationships mimic what we see in our
relationships mimic what we see in our parents and it’s true my own marriage
parents and it’s true my own marriage
parents and it’s true my own marriage was like a mirror of theirs right down
was like a mirror of theirs right down
was like a mirror of theirs right down to my feelings of obligation to stick
to my feelings of obligation to stick
to my feelings of obligation to stick with it even though there were no
with it even though there were no
with it even though there were no children to use as the reason to avoid
children to use as the reason to avoid
children to use as the reason to avoid difficult change
difficult change
difficult change I felt like my husband depended on me to
I felt like my husband depended on me to
I felt like my husband depended on me to keep him alive and if I left he would
keep him alive and if I left he would
keep him alive and if I left he would descend into something terrible and
descend into something terrible and
descend into something terrible and tragic that would of course be my fault
tragic that would of course be my fault
tragic that would of course be my fault for leaving so I stayed righteous and
for leaving so I stayed righteous and
for leaving so I stayed righteous and unhappy in my own martyrdom and
unhappy in my own martyrdom and
unhappy in my own martyrdom and eventually I too cheated one time and
eventually I too cheated one time and
eventually I too cheated one time and after it happened I felt alive you
after it happened I felt alive you
after it happened I felt alive you thought I was gonna say something like
thought I was gonna say something like
thought I was gonna say something like terrible right no I felt great like I
terrible right no I felt great like I
terrible right no I felt great like I hadn’t felt for the whole four years I’d
hadn’t felt for the whole four years I’d
hadn’t felt for the whole four years I’d been married I was singing in the shower
been married I was singing in the shower
been married I was singing in the shower afterwards not balled up in a fetal
afterwards not balled up in a fetal
afterwards not balled up in a fetal position crying down the drain and I
position crying down the drain and I
position crying down the drain and I know that makes me a monster right I
know that makes me a monster right I
know that makes me a monster right I know that you want to hear that I felt
know that you want to hear that I felt
know that you want to hear that I felt guilt and remorse but I didn’t for like
guilt and remorse but I didn’t for like
guilt and remorse but I didn’t for like 12 hours and then yes I felt every bit
12 hours and then yes I felt every bit
12 hours and then yes I felt every bit as bad as anyone who’d never walked a
as bad as anyone who’d never walked a
as bad as anyone who’d never walked a mile in those shoes would want me to I
mile in those shoes would want me to I
mile in those shoes would want me to I felt trapped in an
felt trapped in an
felt trapped in an marriage and I handled that by acting
marriage and I handled that by acting
marriage and I handled that by acting out in a selfish way they didn’t
out in a selfish way they didn’t
out in a selfish way they didn’t actually solve the problem but just gave
actually solve the problem but just gave
actually solve the problem but just gave me a moment to relief from the pain you
me a moment to relief from the pain you
me a moment to relief from the pain you know I was like taking an Advil to put
know I was like taking an Advil to put
know I was like taking an Advil to put off getting the root canal sounds kind
off getting the root canal sounds kind
off getting the root canal sounds kind of familiar like maybe something I’d
of familiar like maybe something I’d
of familiar like maybe something I’d seen someone else do a few years
seen someone else do a few years
seen someone else do a few years previous but refused to acknowledge this
previous but refused to acknowledge this
previous but refused to acknowledge this side up now when I’ve told this story
side up now when I’ve told this story
side up now when I’ve told this story before this is the point where I would
before this is the point where I would
before this is the point where I would start talking about finding compassion
start talking about finding compassion
start talking about finding compassion and recognizing my flawed judgement and
and recognizing my flawed judgement and
and recognizing my flawed judgement and forgiving my dad for his own horrible
forgiving my dad for his own horrible
forgiving my dad for his own horrible offence but when I started working on it
offence but when I started working on it
offence but when I started working on it for this you know the TED talk the big
for this you know the TED talk the big
for this you know the TED talk the big deal there was something blocking me
deal there was something blocking me
deal there was something blocking me from sticking with that outcome it was
from sticking with that outcome it was
from sticking with that outcome it was as my good friend Ryan named that my
as my good friend Ryan named that my
as my good friend Ryan named that my fraud alert it kept going on ending
fraud alert it kept going on ending
fraud alert it kept going on ending there saying that I forgave my dad never
there saying that I forgave my dad never
there saying that I forgave my dad never felt right because it wasn’t I didn’t
felt right because it wasn’t I didn’t
felt right because it wasn’t I didn’t forgive him I hadn’t forgiven him I
forgive him I hadn’t forgiven him I
forgive him I hadn’t forgiven him I didn’t even at that point see the
didn’t even at that point see the
didn’t even at that point see the parallel at the time you know I was
parallel at the time you know I was
parallel at the time you know I was living in this constant crisis mode I
living in this constant crisis mode I
living in this constant crisis mode I wasn’t able to consider anything outside
wasn’t able to consider anything outside
wasn’t able to consider anything outside of the reality in which I was living I
of the reality in which I was living I
of the reality in which I was living I hadn’t gotten into yoga yet so ego was
hadn’t gotten into yoga yet so ego was
hadn’t gotten into yoga yet so ego was just a word that I used as a way to
just a word that I used as a way to
just a word that I used as a way to sound intellectual and superior in
sound intellectual and superior in
sound intellectual and superior in arguments I had no idea if it’s true
arguments I had no idea if it’s true
arguments I had no idea if it’s true meaning or influence my husband never
meaning or influence my husband never
meaning or influence my husband never found out about my indiscretion but we
found out about my indiscretion but we
found out about my indiscretion but we did end up getting divorced shortly
did end up getting divorced shortly
did end up getting divorced shortly after we parted ways and we did not stay
after we parted ways and we did not stay
after we parted ways and we did not stay in touch and life moved on Socratic aliy
in touch and life moved on Socratic aliy
in touch and life moved on Socratic aliy unexamined I moved on and I moved out to
unexamined I moved on and I moved out to
unexamined I moved on and I moved out to Los Angeles my relationship with my dad
Los Angeles my relationship with my dad
Los Angeles my relationship with my dad had continued to improve slowly little
had continued to improve slowly little
had continued to improve slowly little steps now we chatted like work buddies
steps now we chatted like work buddies
steps now we chatted like work buddies we’d exchange funny stories I had asked
we’d exchange funny stories I had asked
we’d exchange funny stories I had asked him for business advice we would talk
him for business advice we would talk
him for business advice we would talk about movies books TV etc you know
about movies books TV etc you know
about movies books TV etc you know casual stuff other family members and it
casual stuff other family members and it
casual stuff other family members and it worked for us then in the middle of the
worked for us then in the middle of the
worked for us then in the middle of the night on July 29th 2014 a man broke into
night on July 29th 2014 a man broke into
night on July 29th 2014 a man broke into my apartment and sexually assaulted me
my apartment and sexually assaulted me
my apartment and sexually assaulted me didn’t see that coming did you
didn’t see that coming did you
didn’t see that coming did you neither did I after the chaos died down
neither did I after the chaos died down
neither did I after the chaos died down and the police left I didn’t know what
and the police left I didn’t know what
and the police left I didn’t know what else to do so
else to do so
else to do so called my dad I had this primal need to
called my dad I had this primal need to
called my dad I had this primal need to feel safe and something deep deep deep
feel safe and something deep deep deep
feel safe and something deep deep deep down inside me said that he was the one
down inside me said that he was the one
down inside me said that he was the one to call I woke him up it was like 6 a.m.
to call I woke him up it was like 6 a.m.
to call I woke him up it was like 6 a.m. his time I told him what happened and
his time I told him what happened and
his time I told him what happened and for the first time in nearly 20 years I
allowed him the opportunity to really be
allowed him the opportunity to really be my dad the same dad that he was when I
my dad the same dad that he was when I
my dad the same dad that he was when I had him up on a pedestal the same dad he
had him up on a pedestal the same dad he
had him up on a pedestal the same dad he was before the fall it was a very
was before the fall it was a very
was before the fall it was a very vulnerable moment to put put down that
vulnerable moment to put put down that
vulnerable moment to put put down that arm’s distance and hope that he was
arm’s distance and hope that he was
arm’s distance and hope that he was still willing to come close enough to
still willing to come close enough to
still willing to come close enough to take care of me and he was I mean he put
take care of me and he was I mean he put
take care of me and he was I mean he put on the Superman cape and he showed up
on the Superman cape and he showed up
on the Superman cape and he showed up like a
like a
like a and I apologize for my profanity I think
and I apologize for my profanity I think
and I apologize for my profanity I think that the intensity of the story warrants
that the intensity of the story warrants
that the intensity of the story warrants it and also since he is technically my
it and also since he is technically my
it and also since he is technically my biological father it is the corrector I
biological father it is the corrector I
biological father it is the corrector I wasn’t in a secure place financially so
wasn’t in a secure place financially so
wasn’t in a secure place financially so he paid for me to move to a new safe
he paid for me to move to a new safe
he paid for me to move to a new safe apartment as soon as I found one but
apartment as soon as I found one but
apartment as soon as I found one but more importantly than that he showed up
more importantly than that he showed up
more importantly than that he showed up emotionally he talked to me every day
emotionally he talked to me every day
emotionally he talked to me every day for as long as I needed he was never too
for as long as I needed he was never too
for as long as I needed he was never too busy nothing nothing
busy nothing nothing
busy nothing nothing nothing came before me he was the hero
nothing came before me he was the hero
nothing came before me he was the hero and he remained that for me even after
and he remained that for me even after
and he remained that for me even after life had resumed whatever normalcy was
life had resumed whatever normalcy was
life had resumed whatever normalcy was available in April 2016 he died it was
available in April 2016 he died it was
available in April 2016 he died it was unexpected but I was able to be there by
unexpected but I was able to be there by
unexpected but I was able to be there by his side when he passed and I spent that
his side when he passed and I spent that
his side when he passed and I spent that night in his home office looking through
night in his home office looking through
night in his home office looking through his stuff I knew my dad loved me like I
his stuff I knew my dad loved me like I
his stuff I knew my dad loved me like I said in the beginning I never had any
said in the beginning I never had any
said in the beginning I never had any doubt but I was still surprised by what
doubt but I was still surprised by what
doubt but I was still surprised by what I found
I found
I found he had everything I mean everything he
he had everything I mean everything he
he had everything I mean everything he had every article ever written about me
had every article ever written about me
had every article ever written about me he had every interview I had ever done
he had every interview I had ever done
he had every interview I had ever done he had every picture even ones that
he had every picture even ones that
he had every picture even ones that weren’t of me even ones that I had just
weren’t of me even ones that I had just
weren’t of me even ones that I had just like funny
like funny
like funny you know the things I’d posted on
you know the things I’d posted on
you know the things I’d posted on facebook he’d saved to his desktop he
facebook he’d saved to his desktop he
facebook he’d saved to his desktop he loved that I branched into storytelling
loved that I branched into storytelling
loved that I branched into storytelling and I found a file on his computer where
and I found a file on his computer where
and I found a file on his computer where he’d started writing his own story in
he’d started writing his own story in
he’d started writing his own story in hopes of telling it at the moth but
hopes of telling it at the moth but
hopes of telling it at the moth but hugely popular Mammoth’s storytelling
hugely popular Mammoth’s storytelling
hugely popular Mammoth’s storytelling events my heart broke
events my heart broke
events my heart broke it just broke that night broke open and
it just broke that night broke open and
it just broke that night broke open and everything ugly everything inside
everything ugly everything inside
everything ugly everything inside fell out for me to see right in the
fell out for me to see right in the
fell out for me to see right in the midst of this shrine to what he saw as
midst of this shrine to what he saw as
midst of this shrine to what he saw as my greatness it said that the death of
my greatness it said that the death of
my greatness it said that the death of ego is the birth of clear vision and in
ego is the birth of clear vision and in
ego is the birth of clear vision and in that moment I realized that my dad did
that moment I realized that my dad did
that moment I realized that my dad did not deserve my forgiveness he deserved
not deserve my forgiveness he deserved
not deserve my forgiveness he deserved my apology he did everything he could to
my apology he did everything he could to
my apology he did everything he could to show me how much he loved me how sorry
show me how much he loved me how sorry
show me how much he loved me how sorry he was for anything he caused which was
he was for anything he caused which was
he was for anything he caused which was never his intention something I could
never his intention something I could
never his intention something I could have understood something that I should
have understood something that I should
have understood something that I should have understood if I would have had any
have understood if I would have had any
have understood if I would have had any self-awareness at the time he never left
self-awareness at the time he never left
self-awareness at the time he never left even want to pushed him away even when I
even want to pushed him away even when I
even want to pushed him away even when I had the opportunity to understand to
had the opportunity to understand to
had the opportunity to understand to acknowledge to heal our shared wounds I
acknowledge to heal our shared wounds I
acknowledge to heal our shared wounds I didn’t then any measure of guilt that
didn’t then any measure of guilt that
didn’t then any measure of guilt that I’d ever felt in my life didn’t compare
I’d ever felt in my life didn’t compare
I’d ever felt in my life didn’t compare in the slightest when I felt in that
in the slightest when I felt in that
in the slightest when I felt in that moment and I couldn’t apologize he was
moment and I couldn’t apologize he was
moment and I couldn’t apologize he was gone all I could do was sit with the
gone all I could do was sit with the
gone all I could do was sit with the guilt so that’s what I did I sat right
guilt so that’s what I did I sat right
guilt so that’s what I did I sat right there i sat on the wood floor of his
there i sat on the wood floor of his
there i sat on the wood floor of his office until after sunrise thinking and
office until after sunrise thinking and
office until after sunrise thinking and crying and there’s another Mark Twain
crying and there’s another Mark Twain
crying and there’s another Mark Twain quote that I love forgiveness is the
quote that I love forgiveness is the
quote that I love forgiveness is the fragrance that the violent sheds on the
fragrance that the violent sheds on the
fragrance that the violent sheds on the heel that is crushed
I have found that fragrance that peace
I have found that fragrance that peace in the moments between the pain when the
in the moments between the pain when the
in the moments between the pain when the memories Papa me writing on the back of
memories Papa me writing on the back of
memories Papa me writing on the back of his motorcycle to his favorite hamburger
his motorcycle to his favorite hamburger
his motorcycle to his favorite hamburger place us going to the park so I could
place us going to the park so I could
place us going to the park so I could climb the trees with the branches low
climb the trees with the branches low
climb the trees with the branches low enough for me to reach me and my dad
enough for me to reach me and my dad
enough for me to reach me and my dad breaking into an abandoned amusement
breaking into an abandoned amusement
breaking into an abandoned amusement park to take pictures and I’m sorry to
park to take pictures and I’m sorry to
park to take pictures and I’m sorry to bust out the big cliches it’s such an
bust out the big cliches it’s such an
bust out the big cliches it’s such an intense point in my talk but the only
intense point in my talk but the only
intense point in my talk but the only thing that quelled the pain of guilt was
thing that quelled the pain of guilt was
thing that quelled the pain of guilt was acknowledging his love for me he has
acknowledging his love for me he has
acknowledging his love for me he has constant support and involvement that
constant support and involvement that
constant support and involvement that ego wouldn’t let me acknowledge face to
ego wouldn’t let me acknowledge face to
ego wouldn’t let me acknowledge face to face when I had the chance he loved me
face when I had the chance he loved me
face when I had the chance he loved me he loved me despite my flaws my shitty
he loved me despite my flaws my shitty
he loved me despite my flaws my shitty behavior and when you truly love someone
behavior and when you truly love someone
behavior and when you truly love someone you don’t want them to suffer he wanted
you don’t want them to suffer he wanted
you don’t want them to suffer he wanted me to be happy which as we all know from
me to be happy which as we all know from
me to be happy which as we all know from a million articles and other TED talks
a million articles and other TED talks
a million articles and other TED talks and Instagram yoga posts has to start
and Instagram yoga posts has to start
and Instagram yoga posts has to start with self-love the only way I could
with self-love the only way I could
with self-love the only way I could atone the only way I could make amends
atone the only way I could make amends
atone the only way I could make amends to him was to let him win this battle
to him was to let him win this battle
to him was to let him win this battle and love myself the way I only then
and love myself the way I only then
and love myself the way I only then realized that he did and wanted me to
realized that he did and wanted me to
realized that he did and wanted me to unconditionally you can’t love and hold
unconditionally you can’t love and hold
unconditionally you can’t love and hold a grudge at the same time so I had to
a grudge at the same time so I had to
a grudge at the same time so I had to start working on it and I had to start
start working on it and I had to start
start working on it and I had to start working on myself making choices that I
working on myself making choices that I
working on myself making choices that I felt he would have wanted me to ones
felt he would have wanted me to ones
felt he would have wanted me to ones that were productive and pushed me
that were productive and pushed me
that were productive and pushed me towards being someone that we could both
towards being someone that we could both
towards being someone that we could both have been proud of trying really hard to
have been proud of trying really hard to
have been proud of trying really hard to shy away from what’s just immediately
shy away from what’s just immediately
shy away from what’s just immediately gratifying which very hard you know I
gratifying which very hard you know I
gratifying which very hard you know I had to start self parenting at the age
had to start self parenting at the age
had to start self parenting at the age of 40 and sometimes I failed and
of 40 and sometimes I failed and
of 40 and sometimes I failed and sometimes I failed because my inner
sometimes I failed because my inner
sometimes I failed because my inner child is loud and whiny and wants candy
child is loud and whiny and wants candy
child is loud and whiny and wants candy not vegetables achieving self love and
not vegetables achieving self love and
not vegetables achieving self love and forgiveness to become the most complete
forgiveness to become the most complete
forgiveness to become the most complete people we can be to put all of our
people we can be to put all of our
people we can be to put all of our puzzle pieces together in the right
puzzle pieces together in the right
puzzle pieces together in the right order so that we are what’s pictured on
order so that we are what’s pictured on
order so that we are what’s pictured on our individual boxes requires letting go
our individual boxes requires letting go
our individual boxes requires letting go of the crosses that we carry
of the crosses that we carry
of the crosses that we carry but as with parenting if you don’t
but as with parenting if you don’t
but as with parenting if you don’t address bad behave
address bad behave
address bad behave if you just brush it under the rug
if you just brush it under the rug
if you just brush it under the rug you’ll you’re gonna raise a serial
you’ll you’re gonna raise a serial
you’ll you’re gonna raise a serial killer again an SVU so it’s with love
killer again an SVU so it’s with love
killer again an SVU so it’s with love that we need to hold ourselves
that we need to hold ourselves
that we need to hold ourselves accountable for the things we’ve done in
accountable for the things we’ve done in
accountable for the things we’ve done in the past that have hurt others that have
the past that have hurt others that have
the past that have hurt others that have shaken up their puzzle boxes so I
shaken up their puzzle boxes so I
shaken up their puzzle boxes so I started to thinking about my past and my
started to thinking about my past and my
started to thinking about my past and my marriage came up a little bit unresolved
marriage came up a little bit unresolved
marriage came up a little bit unresolved so I posted on Facebook looking for a
so I posted on Facebook looking for a
so I posted on Facebook looking for a long-lost phone number and 10 minutes
long-lost phone number and 10 minutes
long-lost phone number and 10 minutes later I am on the phone with my
later I am on the phone with my
later I am on the phone with my ex-husband oddly enough he didn’t sound
ex-husband oddly enough he didn’t sound
ex-husband oddly enough he didn’t sound too happy to hear from me so I started
too happy to hear from me so I started
too happy to hear from me so I started rambling out of nervousness and then out
rambling out of nervousness and then out
rambling out of nervousness and then out it came I said I’m sorry I’m so sorry
it came I said I’m sorry I’m so sorry
it came I said I’m sorry I’m so sorry for so much but most of all for not
for so much but most of all for not
for so much but most of all for not loving you the way you deserved to be
loving you the way you deserved to be
loving you the way you deserved to be loved I know you were doing your best
loved I know you were doing your best
loved I know you were doing your best and I’m so sorry I didn’t recognize that
and I’m so sorry I didn’t recognize that
and I’m so sorry I didn’t recognize that I want to acknowledge that I do now and
I want to acknowledge that I do now and
I want to acknowledge that I do now and thank you for trying so hard also I’m
thank you for trying so hard also I’m
thank you for trying so hard also I’m not sober this isn’t one of those a a
not sober this isn’t one of those a a
not sober this isn’t one of those a a fifth step calls this is from the heart
fifth step calls this is from the heart
fifth step calls this is from the heart he was silent for a minute and then he
he was silent for a minute and then he
he was silent for a minute and then he thanked me and then we had the best most
thanked me and then we had the best most
thanked me and then we had the best most honest conversation we’d ever had and
honest conversation we’d ever had and
honest conversation we’d ever had and when we hung up I felt this amazing
when we hung up I felt this amazing
when we hung up I felt this amazing sense of calm and lightness like one of
sense of calm and lightness like one of
sense of calm and lightness like one of my own puzzle pieces head had resettled
my own puzzle pieces head had resettled
my own puzzle pieces head had resettled inside me in the right spot and I
inside me in the right spot and I
inside me in the right spot and I realized that ego is a tricky bitch ego
realized that ego is a tricky bitch ego
realized that ego is a tricky bitch ego makes you think you’re looking out a
makes you think you’re looking out a
makes you think you’re looking out a window judging your neighbor but when
window judging your neighbor but when
window judging your neighbor but when you start operating from your true self
you start operating from your true self
you start operating from your true self you realize that that window is actually
you realize that that window is actually
you realize that that window is actually a mirror and all that you’re
a mirror and all that you’re
a mirror and all that you’re looking at judgmentally isn’t outside at
looking at judgmentally isn’t outside at
looking at judgmentally isn’t outside at all the calls are coming from inside the
all the calls are coming from inside the
all the calls are coming from inside the house and that house is messy I’ve been
house and that house is messy I’ve been
house and that house is messy I’ve been cleaning mine for over a year now and
cleaning mine for over a year now and
cleaning mine for over a year now and though it’s been uncomfortable and
though it’s been uncomfortable and
though it’s been uncomfortable and really embarrassing at times I’ve never
really embarrassing at times I’ve never
really embarrassing at times I’ve never been more sure that I’m doing the right
been more sure that I’m doing the right
been more sure that I’m doing the right thing
ending things is always the hardest part
ending things is always the hardest part for me because Who am I to tell you what
for me because Who am I to tell you what
for me because Who am I to tell you what to take away what meaning to find in
to take away what meaning to find in
to take away what meaning to find in anything my intention is that you find
anything my intention is that you find
anything my intention is that you find something valuable in what I’ve said and
something valuable in what I’ve said and
something valuable in what I’ve said and if it’s about forgiveness or ego or love
if it’s about forgiveness or ego or love
if it’s about forgiveness or ego or love or apologies or not sitting stubbornly
or apologies or not sitting stubbornly
or apologies or not sitting stubbornly and anger letting precious time
and anger letting precious time
and anger letting precious time or even just not titling your TED talk
or even just not titling your TED talk
or even just not titling your TED talk before he write it then I feel like I’ve
before he write it then I feel like I’ve
before he write it then I feel like I’ve done something worth the price of your
done something worth the price of your
done something worth the price of your admission thank you
”
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