my first client as a professional counselor was a little girl named Marie
counselor was a little girl named Marie
counselor was a little girl named Marie she was three-and-a-half years old she
she was three-and-a-half years old she
she was three-and-a-half years old she was nonverbal hadn’t spoken a word since
was nonverbal hadn’t spoken a word since
was nonverbal hadn’t spoken a word since she’s picked up by Child Protective
she’s picked up by Child Protective
she’s picked up by Child Protective Services both she and her six-year-old
Services both she and her six-year-old
Services both she and her six-year-old sister were being treated for gonorrhea
this was my first professional client
this was my first professional client now I can tell you folks that I was not
now I can tell you folks that I was not
now I can tell you folks that I was not interested in this being my lifelong
interested in this being my lifelong
interested in this being my lifelong journey my plan was to get some
journey my plan was to get some
journey my plan was to get some practical counseling experience then
practical counseling experience then
practical counseling experience then move into a ph.d program for
move into a ph.d program for
move into a ph.d program for organizational psychology where I could
organizational psychology where I could
organizational psychology where I could learn about how to help corporate
learn about how to help corporate
learn about how to help corporate America make more money and myself too
but Marie changed that I was working as
but Marie changed that I was working as a volunteer for a sex center against
a volunteer for a sex center against
a volunteer for a sex center against sexual assault in Phoenix Arizona in
sexual assault in Phoenix Arizona in
sexual assault in Phoenix Arizona in 1981 and the organization realized that
1981 and the organization realized that
1981 and the organization realized that I had a statistics and research
I had a statistics and research
I had a statistics and research background so they asked me to take a
background so they asked me to take a
background so they asked me to take a part-time job as their data analyst a
part-time job as their data analyst a
part-time job as their data analyst a veteran therapist there knew that I was
veteran therapist there knew that I was
veteran therapist there knew that I was in the master’s program for counseling
in the master’s program for counseling
in the master’s program for counseling and asked if I would be interested in
and asked if I would be interested in
and asked if I would be interested in helping her with this children’s play
helping her with this children’s play
helping her with this children’s play group I said I would like to do that she
group I said I would like to do that she
group I said I would like to do that she explained that there were a half a dozen
explained that there were a half a dozen
explained that there were a half a dozen children in this group ages three to
children in this group ages three to
children in this group ages three to seven and all of them were for dealing
seven and all of them were for dealing
seven and all of them were for dealing with abuse of some kind various levels
with abuse of some kind various levels
with abuse of some kind various levels of extreme and that she wanted me to pay
of extreme and that she wanted me to pay
of extreme and that she wanted me to pay special attention to this little girl
special attention to this little girl
special attention to this little girl named Marie
named Marie
named Marie she seemed to be having a harder time
she seemed to be having a harder time
she seemed to be having a harder time than most so I’d had the opportunity to
than most so I’d had the opportunity to
than most so I’d had the opportunity to use things I’d learned working at the
use things I’d learned working at the
use things I’d learned working at the preschool at Arizona State University to
preschool at Arizona State University to
preschool at Arizona State University to make a relationship between Maria and
make a relationship between Maria and
make a relationship between Maria and myself I’d pay attention to what she was
myself I’d pay attention to what she was
myself I’d pay attention to what she was looking at and how she was reacting and
looking at and how she was reacting and
looking at and how she was reacting and every once in a while I’d make eye
every once in a while I’d make eye
every once in a while I’d make eye contact and give her a nice smile I
contact and give her a nice smile I
contact and give her a nice smile I treat her very respectfully and I’d show
treat her very respectfully and I’d show
treat her very respectfully and I’d show her the different options she had for
her the different options she had for
her the different options she had for colors and and all the different
colors and and all the different
colors and and all the different drawings that she could do different
drawings that she could do different
drawings that she could do different activities but she didn’t speak about
activities but she didn’t speak about
activities but she didn’t speak about session four she was becoming more
session four she was becoming more
session four she was becoming more animated and involved making more eye
animated and involved making more eye
animated and involved making more eye contact and smiling and at the end of
contact and smiling and at the end of
contact and smiling and at the end of that session that play therapy session
that session that play therapy session
that session that play therapy session they were having a sing-along and all of
they were having a sing-along and all of
they were having a sing-along and all of a sudden Marie out of the blue joined in
a sudden Marie out of the blue joined in
a sudden Marie out of the blue joined in so the first sounds I ever heard from
so the first sounds I ever heard from
so the first sounds I ever heard from this little girl named Marie was of her
this little girl named Marie was of her
this little girl named Marie was of her singing a joyful sound that touched me
singing a joyful sound that touched me
singing a joyful sound that touched me but the message really came home to me
but the message really came home to me
but the message really came home to me two weeks later I was at a street fair
two weeks later I was at a street fair
two weeks later I was at a street fair in downtown Tempe and on a crowded
in downtown Tempe and on a crowded
in downtown Tempe and on a crowded sidewalk on that particular day I heard
sidewalk on that particular day I heard
sidewalk on that particular day I heard a small voice behind me seemed to be
a small voice behind me seemed to be
a small voice behind me seemed to be calling my name but it was a little
calling my name but it was a little
calling my name but it was a little fuzzy so I stopped and I turned and when
fuzzy so I stopped and I turned and when
fuzzy so I stopped and I turned and when I did the crowd parted like the Red Sea
I did the crowd parted like the Red Sea
I did the crowd parted like the Red Sea and there was Marie running up the
and there was Marie running up the
and there was Marie running up the sidewalk her foster parents behind her
sidewalk her foster parents behind her
sidewalk her foster parents behind her and her sister they were walking hand in
and her sister they were walking hand in
and her sister they were walking hand in hand and smiling over the fact that they
hand and smiling over the fact that they
hand and smiling over the fact that they had surprised me it was delightful
had surprised me it was delightful
had surprised me it was delightful I got down on one knee and I greeted
I got down on one knee and I greeted
I got down on one knee and I greeted Marie as she got close we gave each
Marie as she got close we gave each
Marie as she got close we gave each other a hug and she just talked and
other a hug and she just talked and
other a hug and she just talked and talked about all the adventures that
talked about all the adventures that
talked about all the adventures that they had that morning all the things
they had that morning all the things
they had that morning all the things they had done all the things they were
they had done all the things they were
they had done all the things they were going to do
going to do
going to do and we just chatted there on that busy
and we just chatted there on that busy
and we just chatted there on that busy sidewalk as Marie left with her family
sidewalk as Marie left with her family
sidewalk as Marie left with her family she turned around and she waved bye mr.
she turned around and she waved bye mr.
she turned around and she waved bye mr. CooCoo doll my name is pronounced
CooCoo doll my name is pronounced
CooCoo doll my name is pronounced Kuykendall but she called me mr. keuken
Kuykendall but she called me mr. keuken
Kuykendall but she called me mr. keuken doll and that was precious I could not
doll and that was precious I could not
doll and that was precious I could not turn away I I simply could not or would
turn away I I simply could not or would
turn away I I simply could not or would not turn away from what had happened a
not turn away from what had happened a
not turn away from what had happened a transformational moment or time in this
transformational moment or time in this
transformational moment or time in this little girl’s life had happened and I
little girl’s life had happened and I
little girl’s life had happened and I was a part of it and nothing else that I
was a part of it and nothing else that I
was a part of it and nothing else that I had imagined in my future seemed to
had imagined in my future seemed to
had imagined in my future seemed to matter because I was a part of something
matter because I was a part of something
matter because I was a part of something that seemed profoundly precious and it
that seemed profoundly precious and it
that seemed profoundly precious and it has been for 20 years I worked
has been for 20 years I worked
has been for 20 years I worked delivering direct services to children
delivering direct services to children
delivering direct services to children and families who were victims of sexual
and families who were victims of sexual
and families who were victims of sexual abuse from survivors for the next 14
abuse from survivors for the next 14
abuse from survivors for the next 14 years I spent much of my time caregiving
years I spent much of my time caregiving
years I spent much of my time caregiving the most remarkable survivor of
the most remarkable survivor of
the most remarkable survivor of childhood sexual abuse I’ve ever known
childhood sexual abuse I’ve ever known
childhood sexual abuse I’ve ever known that’s my late wife Carol Jarvis
that’s my late wife Carol Jarvis
that’s my late wife Carol Jarvis Kuykendall we were married 28 years and
Kuykendall we were married 28 years and
Kuykendall we were married 28 years and now today I have a daughter that I’m
now today I have a daughter that I’m
now today I have a daughter that I’m gonna have the cut for also I provide as
gonna have the cut for also I provide as
gonna have the cut for also I provide as good counseling as I can for her also
good counseling as I can for her also
good counseling as I can for her also because she suffers from many of the
because she suffers from many of the
because she suffers from many of the same problems her mother did and we
same problems her mother did and we
same problems her mother did and we found Joey in peace in her life it’s
found Joey in peace in her life it’s
found Joey in peace in her life it’s important that you know that that there
important that you know that that there
important that you know that that there is joy and peace after such horrible
is joy and peace after such horrible
is joy and peace after such horrible ugly things can happen to a child
I’d like you to imagine now with me that
I’d like you to imagine now with me that there are children coming down the
there are children coming down the
there are children coming down the middle aisle the aisles on the side a
middle aisle the aisles on the side a
middle aisle the aisles on the side a variety of children coming onstage to
variety of children coming onstage to
variety of children coming onstage to form a line and a little bit of a crowd
form a line and a little bit of a crowd
form a line and a little bit of a crowd here facing you and these are special
here facing you and these are special
here facing you and these are special children to me because these are the
children to me because these are the
children to me because these are the children I’ve worked with or that my
children I’ve worked with or that my
children I’ve worked with or that my wife worked with oh that some of my
wife worked with oh that some of my
wife worked with oh that some of my colleagues have worked with I’ve known
colleagues have worked with I’ve known
colleagues have worked with I’ve known all of these children and as you see
all of these children and as you see
all of these children and as you see them line up behind me and fan out on
them line up behind me and fan out on
them line up behind me and fan out on both sides behind this chair I want you
both sides behind this chair I want you
both sides behind this chair I want you to see that there are people there are
to see that there are people there are
to see that there are people there are children there for various ages various
children there for various ages various
children there for various ages various races socio-economic groups gender
races socio-economic groups gender
races socio-economic groups gender identities philosophies religions every
identities philosophies religions every
identities philosophies religions every one of those things are represented here
one of those things are represented here
one of those things are represented here this is a diverse group of children and
this is a diverse group of children and
this is a diverse group of children and the thing that they all have in common
the thing that they all have in common
the thing that they all have in common is that they have been or will be
is that they have been or will be
is that they have been or will be sexually abused in their lives they’re a
sexually abused in their lives they’re a
sexually abused in their lives they’re a happy looking group they know that
happy looking group they know that
happy looking group they know that they’re here for me today the show the
they’re here for me today the show the
they’re here for me today the show the younger ones are standing in front the
younger ones are standing in front the
younger ones are standing in front the older ones are standing behind and
older ones are standing behind and
older ones are standing behind and they’re here to show themselves to you
this is a profound profession I’ve been
this is a profound profession I’ve been in for the last 30-some years it has a
in for the last 30-some years it has a
in for the last 30-some years it has a joys that I had no idea we’re going to
joys that I had no idea we’re going to
joys that I had no idea we’re going to come in the face of truly ugly things
come in the face of truly ugly things
come in the face of truly ugly things that can happen to children there are
that can happen to children there are
that can happen to children there are beauty there is something sacred in this
beauty there is something sacred in this
beauty there is something sacred in this work and I invite you all to not let the
work and I invite you all to not let the
work and I invite you all to not let the ugly truths of this scare you away from
ugly truths of this scare you away from
ugly truths of this scare you away from being involved
some of these children have bounced back
some of these children have bounced back very easily or they’re quite resilient
very easily or they’re quite resilient
very easily or they’re quite resilient or maybe the abuse was minimal but some
or maybe the abuse was minimal but some
or maybe the abuse was minimal but some of them are going to struggle all of
of them are going to struggle all of
of them are going to struggle all of their life off and on with the results
their life off and on with the results
their life off and on with the results of that trauma many of them are not
of that trauma many of them are not
of that trauma many of them are not going to make it and that’s what the
going to make it and that’s what the
going to make it and that’s what the empty chairs about some of them are
empty chairs about some of them are
empty chairs about some of them are going to die from their injuries soon
going to die from their injuries soon
going to die from their injuries soon some of them can possibly go off into
some of them can possibly go off into
some of them can possibly go off into drug and alcohol abuse risk-taking
drug and alcohol abuse risk-taking
drug and alcohol abuse risk-taking behaviors even suicide some of the
behaviors even suicide some of the
behaviors even suicide some of the children don’t make it but these
children don’t make it but these
children don’t make it but these children have and we celebrate the fact
children have and we celebrate the fact
children have and we celebrate the fact that we’re enjoying life together and
that we’re enjoying life together and
that we’re enjoying life together and after today’s presentation we’re all
after today’s presentation we’re all
after today’s presentation we’re all going over to aunt Rose’s house for a
going over to aunt Rose’s house for a
going over to aunt Rose’s house for a celebration of life party which is a
celebration of life party which is a
celebration of life party which is a wonderful thing I’d like to leave you
wonderful thing I’d like to leave you
wonderful thing I’d like to leave you with three important principles or
with three important principles or
with three important principles or points one is that there’s a commonality
points one is that there’s a commonality
points one is that there’s a commonality of purpose here today it’s whatever the
of purpose here today it’s whatever the
of purpose here today it’s whatever the divisive ‘no still Drance parents have
divisive ‘no still Drance parents have
divisive ‘no still Drance parents have had due to various demographic groups or
had due to various demographic groups or
had due to various demographic groups or races or religions we all love these
races or religions we all love these
races or religions we all love these children that’s what we have in common
children that’s what we have in common
children that’s what we have in common across all these other boundaries or
across all these other boundaries or
across all these other boundaries or borders we love these children and we
borders we love these children and we
borders we love these children and we want the best for them that commonality
want the best for them that commonality
want the best for them that commonality of purpose I’ve seen it in therapy more
of purpose I’ve seen it in therapy more
of purpose I’ve seen it in therapy more times than I can count
times than I can count
times than I can count families parents come together to talk
families parents come together to talk
families parents come together to talk about the fact that their children had
about the fact that their children had
about the fact that their children had been
been
been abused and what they discover is that
abused and what they discover is that
abused and what they discover is that they empathize with each other that
they empathize with each other that
they empathize with each other that they’ve reach across what would have
they’ve reach across what would have
they’ve reach across what would have been boundaries that they couldn’t
been boundaries that they couldn’t
been boundaries that they couldn’t imagine crossing and they embrace each
imagine crossing and they embrace each
imagine crossing and they embrace each other in their love for each other’s
other in their love for each other’s
other in their love for each other’s children and they help each other this
children and they help each other this
children and they help each other this is a powerful dynamic and human
is a powerful dynamic and human
is a powerful dynamic and human relationships second and my word choice
relationships second and my word choice
relationships second and my word choice is quite deliberate here sexual abuse of
is quite deliberate here sexual abuse of
is quite deliberate here sexual abuse of children is predominantly a man-made
children is predominantly a man-made
children is predominantly a man-made problem man-made problem there aren’t
problem man-made problem there aren’t
problem man-made problem there aren’t many men working in this industry
many men working in this industry
many men working in this industry historically women lead the charge on
historically women lead the charge on
historically women lead the charge on this issue on this cause saving children
this issue on this cause saving children
this issue on this cause saving children and giving them services that will help
and giving them services that will help
and giving them services that will help them thrive as children too many men are
them thrive as children too many men are
them thrive as children too many men are standing on the sidelines so part of my
standing on the sidelines so part of my
standing on the sidelines so part of my purpose for being here today is to make
purpose for being here today is to make
purpose for being here today is to make a call call to action for men to get
a call call to action for men to get
a call call to action for men to get more involved to partner up with the
more involved to partner up with the
more involved to partner up with the women who are leading this this world of
women who are leading this this world of
women who are leading this this world of saving and helping children have been
saving and helping children have been
saving and helping children have been sexually abused we need men in this
sexually abused we need men in this
sexually abused we need men in this equation men who can empathize and be
equation men who can empathize and be
equation men who can empathize and be kind and compassionate who can bring
kind and compassionate who can bring
kind and compassionate who can bring time energy money or political capital
time energy money or political capital
time energy money or political capital to this cause if you are involved in
to this cause if you are involved in
to this cause if you are involved in this industry this profession this cause
this industry this profession this cause
this industry this profession this cause men I salute you I embrace you I
men I salute you I embrace you I
men I salute you I embrace you I celebrate your contribution if you’re
celebrate your contribution if you’re
celebrate your contribution if you’re not involved I want you to know that I
not involved I want you to know that I
not involved I want you to know that I embrace you too they’re good men let’s
embrace you too they’re good men let’s
embrace you too they’re good men let’s become more involved let’s make sure
become more involved let’s make sure
become more involved let’s make sure that all of these children get the
that all of these children get the
that all of these children get the services they need because what we know
services they need because what we know
services they need because what we know right now is
right now is
right now is that the children of privilege are going
that the children of privilege are going
that the children of privilege are going to get the services the brown and the
to get the services the brown and the
to get the services the brown and the black children aren’t going to get as
black children aren’t going to get as
black children aren’t going to get as many as the white children and at the
many as the white children and at the
many as the white children and at the bottom of the this Gale is probably the
bottom of the this Gale is probably the
bottom of the this Gale is probably the red children we need some equality we
red children we need some equality we
red children we need some equality we need some services for all of them
need some services for all of them
need some services for all of them regardless of all the other parts of our
regardless of all the other parts of our
regardless of all the other parts of our adult equation we want these children to
adult equation we want these children to
adult equation we want these children to have a chance at life
have a chance at life
have a chance at life that’s our commonality of purpose and
that’s our commonality of purpose and
that’s our commonality of purpose and third is this we’re in a time an era if
third is this we’re in a time an era if
third is this we’re in a time an era if you will of chaos and confusion of
deception and hidden agendas on a
deception and hidden agendas on a national and world scale sometimes we
national and world scale sometimes we
national and world scale sometimes we don’t know what’s gonna happen next
don’t know what’s gonna happen next
don’t know what’s gonna happen next sometimes we don’t want to watch the
sometimes we don’t want to watch the
sometimes we don’t want to watch the news we we’re at a decisive moment in
news we we’re at a decisive moment in
news we we’re at a decisive moment in history and what I’d like to suggest is
history and what I’d like to suggest is
history and what I’d like to suggest is this notion that our love of these
this notion that our love of these
this notion that our love of these children can bring us together in a
children can bring us together in a
children can bring us together in a commonality of purpose that if we
commonality of purpose that if we
commonality of purpose that if we partner with other groups that don’t
partner with other groups that don’t
partner with other groups that don’t look like us or don’t sound like us and
look like us or don’t sound like us and
look like us or don’t sound like us and we build a relationship on the fact that
we build a relationship on the fact that
we build a relationship on the fact that we love these children and we want them
we love these children and we want them
we love these children and we want them to have a full and happy life
to have a full and happy life
to have a full and happy life who knows what else we might be able to
who knows what else we might be able to
who knows what else we might be able to talk to each other about we could take
talk to each other about we could take
talk to each other about we could take this ugly truth and turn it into
this ugly truth and turn it into
this ugly truth and turn it into something profound by talking with each
something profound by talking with each
something profound by talking with each other about how to help them
they’re giving me the eye because they
they’re giving me the eye because they know we’re close to a big finale
I thank you all for being here and for
I thank you all for being here and for all of you at home listening let us be
all of you at home listening let us be
all of you at home listening let us be brave let’s be committed and let’s
brave let’s be committed and let’s
brave let’s be committed and let’s imagine a world where all these children
imagine a world where all these children
imagine a world where all these children get their needs met
are we ready all right you remember how
are we ready all right you remember how we rehearsed it okay let’s start our
we rehearsed it okay let’s start our
we rehearsed it okay let’s start our wave okay one two three
wave okay one two three
wave okay one two three see you later alligator
”
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