hi how are you I’m fine thanks how are you these words suggest we actually care
you these words suggest we actually care
you these words suggest we actually care about the person we’re asking right but
about the person we’re asking right but
about the person we’re asking right but really they’ve become a longer way of
really they’ve become a longer way of
really they’ve become a longer way of saying hi and fine it’s rarely what
saying hi and fine it’s rarely what
saying hi and fine it’s rarely what we’re actually feeling but it’s often
we’re actually feeling but it’s often
we’re actually feeling but it’s often the easiest response after all we
the easiest response after all we
the easiest response after all we figured the person asking doesn’t really
figured the person asking doesn’t really
figured the person asking doesn’t really want to know that I have a headache
want to know that I have a headache
want to know that I have a headache or my mammogram came back suspicious and
or my mammogram came back suspicious and
or my mammogram came back suspicious and I’m terrified or I’m still really angry
I’m terrified or I’m still really angry
I’m terrified or I’m still really angry at you about the fight you started
at you about the fight you started
at you about the fight you started especially not that one so some of you
especially not that one so some of you
especially not that one so some of you may say oh but come on saying I’m fine
may say oh but come on saying I’m fine
may say oh but come on saying I’m fine that’s just a social norm okay but
that’s just a social norm okay but
that’s just a social norm okay but here’s the thing if we keep saying we’re
here’s the thing if we keep saying we’re
here’s the thing if we keep saying we’re fine when we really aren’t we lose
fine when we really aren’t we lose
fine when we really aren’t we lose awareness of how we actually feel and we
awareness of how we actually feel and we
awareness of how we actually feel and we create distance and relationships that
create distance and relationships that
create distance and relationships that matter so think about it how many times
matter so think about it how many times
matter so think about it how many times have you asked someone how are you and
have you asked someone how are you and
have you asked someone how are you and they say fine mmm yet there’s that
they say fine mmm yet there’s that
they say fine mmm yet there’s that little voice of doubt in your mind they
little voice of doubt in your mind they
little voice of doubt in your mind they don’t really seem fine something’s off
don’t really seem fine something’s off
don’t really seem fine something’s off and then uncertainty and distance start
and then uncertainty and distance start
and then uncertainty and distance start to creep in I spent a lot of years being
to creep in I spent a lot of years being
to creep in I spent a lot of years being inauthentic since I truly liked the guy
inauthentic since I truly liked the guy
inauthentic since I truly liked the guy that I was dating and I didn’t want to
that I was dating and I didn’t want to
that I was dating and I didn’t want to risk being ostracized I did whatever I
risk being ostracized I did whatever I
risk being ostracized I did whatever I needed to do to be the typical
needed to do to be the typical
needed to do to be the typical heterosexual girl I wore dresses and I
heterosexual girl I wore dresses and I
heterosexual girl I wore dresses and I cut my attraction to and relationships
cut my attraction to and relationships
cut my attraction to and relationships with girls a secret I was convinced that
with girls a secret I was convinced that
with girls a secret I was convinced that the real me wasn’t good enough I seemed
the real me wasn’t good enough I seemed
the real me wasn’t good enough I seemed happy and excited when he talked about
happy and excited when he talked about
happy and excited when he talked about getting married
getting married
getting married and from the outside everything looked
and from the outside everything looked
and from the outside everything looked great but as we got closer to getting
great but as we got closer to getting
great but as we got closer to getting married I became more and more anxious I
married I became more and more anxious I
married I became more and more anxious I started drinking more and I had
started drinking more and I had
started drinking more and I had irritable bowels my lack of authenticity
irritable bowels my lack of authenticity
irritable bowels my lack of authenticity was taking a toll on me I was scared to
was taking a toll on me I was scared to
was taking a toll on me I was scared to speak my truth how would he react what
speak my truth how would he react what
speak my truth how would he react what would everyone else say ending that
would everyone else say ending that
would everyone else say ending that relationship was one of the hardest
relationship was one of the hardest
relationship was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done
things I’ve ever done
things I’ve ever done imagine starting that conversation when
imagine starting that conversation when
imagine starting that conversation when I told him he was hurt he was sad but he
I told him he was hurt he was sad but he
I told him he was hurt he was sad but he wasn’t judgmental
wasn’t judgmental
wasn’t judgmental it wasn’t the catastrophe I’d imagined
it wasn’t the catastrophe I’d imagined
it wasn’t the catastrophe I’d imagined coming out wasn’t my last struggle with
coming out wasn’t my last struggle with
coming out wasn’t my last struggle with being authentic as I can attest
being authentic as I can attest
being authentic as I can attest authenticity is lifelong work my next
authenticity is lifelong work my next
authenticity is lifelong work my next big breakthrough was admitting that even
big breakthrough was admitting that even
big breakthrough was admitting that even though I had two doctorates and a
though I had two doctorates and a
though I had two doctorates and a successful psychotherapy practice I
successful psychotherapy practice I
successful psychotherapy practice I wasn’t happy my work didn’t fit me so
wasn’t happy my work didn’t fit me so
wasn’t happy my work didn’t fit me so many of us go to work each day not
many of us go to work each day not
many of us go to work each day not really enjoying what we do but we
really enjoying what we do but we
really enjoying what we do but we convince ourselves and each other
convince ourselves and each other
convince ourselves and each other that work is fine yet well we may be
that work is fine yet well we may be
that work is fine yet well we may be calmly fooling everyone on the outside
calmly fooling everyone on the outside
calmly fooling everyone on the outside inside our bodies are going crazy that’s
inside our bodies are going crazy that’s
inside our bodies are going crazy that’s why the criminal justice system uses
why the criminal justice system uses
why the criminal justice system uses lie-detector tests when we aren’t being
lie-detector tests when we aren’t being
lie-detector tests when we aren’t being truthful we can appear calm and
truthful we can appear calm and
truthful we can appear calm and believable but our bodies changes in
believable but our bodies changes in
believable but our bodies changes in blood pressure pulse respiration and
blood pressure pulse respiration and
blood pressure pulse respiration and perspiration reveal the truth and
perspiration reveal the truth and
perspiration reveal the truth and researchers have found that deception is
researchers have found that deception is
researchers have found that deception is linked with increased cardiovascular
linked with increased cardiovascular
linked with increased cardiovascular stress headaches backaches and other
stress headaches backaches and other
stress headaches backaches and other ailments so to avoid those things I was
ailments so to avoid those things I was
ailments so to avoid those things I was challenged to recreate my work to fit me
challenged to recreate my work to fit me
challenged to recreate my work to fit me I now work with living breathing lie
I now work with living breathing lie
I now work with living breathing lie detectors horses
equines are truth-tellers they are
equines are truth-tellers they are teachers of authenticity to protect
teachers of authenticity to protect
teachers of authenticity to protect themselves from predators horses have
themselves from predators horses have
themselves from predators horses have developed finely-tuned senses and they
developed finely-tuned senses and they
developed finely-tuned senses and they are experts at recognizing change in
are experts at recognizing change in
are experts at recognizing change in their environment they pick up on things
their environment they pick up on things
their environment they pick up on things that we can’t see hear or sense
that we can’t see hear or sense
that we can’t see hear or sense energetically and they tune in to the
energetically and they tune in to the
energetically and they tune in to the slightest changes in our physiological
slightest changes in our physiological
slightest changes in our physiological states like heart rate and muscle
states like heart rate and muscle
states like heart rate and muscle tension they know when what we’re
tension they know when what we’re
tension they know when what we’re presenting on the outside doesn’t match
presenting on the outside doesn’t match
presenting on the outside doesn’t match what’s really going on inside and they
what’s really going on inside and they
what’s really going on inside and they call us out
call us out
call us out for instance Cosmo here when he senses
for instance Cosmo here when he senses
for instance Cosmo here when he senses in congruence he will pin his ears and
in congruence he will pin his ears and
in congruence he will pin his ears and swish his tail or he might just walk
swish his tail or he might just walk
swish his tail or he might just walk away from you Cooper will plant his feet
away from you Cooper will plant his feet
away from you Cooper will plant his feet and refused to walk with you and Lucius
and refused to walk with you and Lucius
and refused to walk with you and Lucius he he will push you all around the arena
he he will push you all around the arena
he he will push you all around the arena or box you in against a fence recently I
or box you in against a fence recently I
or box you in against a fence recently I worked with a woman named Jenny she was
worked with a woman named Jenny she was
worked with a woman named Jenny she was attractive outgoing enjoyable yet her
attractive outgoing enjoyable yet her
attractive outgoing enjoyable yet her dating life wasn’t what she wanted it to
dating life wasn’t what she wanted it to
dating life wasn’t what she wanted it to be men would ask her out and then lose
be men would ask her out and then lose
be men would ask her out and then lose interest after a few months so in one
interest after a few months so in one
interest after a few months so in one session jenny was easily leading Cooper
session jenny was easily leading Cooper
session jenny was easily leading Cooper all around the arena no problem then
all around the arena no problem then
all around the arena no problem then just as she started to take him through
just as she started to take him through
just as she started to take him through an obstacle course that represented
an obstacle course that represented
an obstacle course that represented navigating the challenges of
navigating the challenges of
navigating the challenges of relationships Cooper planted his feet
relationships Cooper planted his feet
relationships Cooper planted his feet and refused to move I asked Jenny to
and refused to move I asked Jenny to
and refused to move I asked Jenny to pause and check in with herself about
pause and check in with herself about
pause and check in with herself about how she really felt about going through
how she really felt about going through
how she really felt about going through it
just as she smiled and said I feel fine
just as she smiled and said I feel fine Cooper took two steps back I said huh
Cooper took two steps back I said huh
Cooper took two steps back I said huh really Jenny said really I feel good
really Jenny said really I feel good
really Jenny said really I feel good about it I want to do it in response
about it I want to do it in response
about it I want to do it in response Cooper dramatically backed away from her
Cooper dramatically backed away from her
Cooper dramatically backed away from her as far as he could go
as far as he could go
as far as he could go stretching the lead rock taut he was
stretching the lead rock taut he was
stretching the lead rock taut he was calling her out he was telling her
calling her out he was telling her
calling her out he was telling her saying you’re feeling really good is
saying you’re feeling really good is
saying you’re feeling really good is total BS
total BS
total BS Jenny didn’t get it at first she wasn’t
Jenny didn’t get it at first she wasn’t
Jenny didn’t get it at first she wasn’t consciously being inauthentic
consciously being inauthentic
consciously being inauthentic as we talked about what was happening
as we talked about what was happening
as we talked about what was happening Jenny tearfully realized that she’d been
Jenny tearfully realized that she’d been
Jenny tearfully realized that she’d been putting on a happy face and feeling fine
putting on a happy face and feeling fine
putting on a happy face and feeling fine for decades because she believed that if
for decades because she believed that if
for decades because she believed that if anyone really knew her they wouldn’t
anyone really knew her they wouldn’t
anyone really knew her they wouldn’t want to be with her just as she shared
want to be with her just as she shared
want to be with her just as she shared these feelings
these feelings
these feelings Cooper walked right up next to her she
Cooper walked right up next to her she
Cooper walked right up next to her she was being authentic and he wanted to be
was being authentic and he wanted to be
was being authentic and he wanted to be close to her realizing this inner truth
close to her realizing this inner truth
close to her realizing this inner truth created a huge shift for Jenny she
created a huge shift for Jenny she
created a huge shift for Jenny she started working on what it meant to be
started working on what it meant to be
started working on what it meant to be Jenny and it turns out that Jenny was
Jenny and it turns out that Jenny was
Jenny and it turns out that Jenny was someone who could be playful insecure
someone who could be playful insecure
someone who could be playful insecure angry sad and sometimes really good when
angry sad and sometimes really good when
angry sad and sometimes really good when she shifted from being happy Jenny to
she shifted from being happy Jenny to
she shifted from being happy Jenny to being Jenny she no longer had to expend
being Jenny she no longer had to expend
being Jenny she no longer had to expend all that energy keeping up a facade she
all that energy keeping up a facade she
all that energy keeping up a facade she became more interesting to people and
became more interesting to people and
became more interesting to people and she had more bandwidth to truly be
she had more bandwidth to truly be
she had more bandwidth to truly be interested in others it’s not surprising
interested in others it’s not surprising
interested in others it’s not surprising that researchers have found that
that researchers have found that
that researchers have found that authenticity is correlated with physical
authenticity is correlated with physical
authenticity is correlated with physical and mental well-being the more authentic
and mental well-being the more authentic
and mental well-being the more authentic someone is the greater their self-esteem
someone is the greater their self-esteem
someone is the greater their self-esteem the less stress and anxiety they have
the less stress and anxiety they have
the less stress and anxiety they have and the more successful they are in
and the more successful they are in
and the more successful they are in achieving life and relationship goals so
achieving life and relationship goals so
achieving life and relationship goals so the first step to feeling better and
the first step to feeling better and
the first step to feeling better and having better more fulfilling
having better more fulfilling
having better more fulfilling relationships it’s connecting with our
relationships it’s connecting with our
relationships it’s connecting with our authentic self how do you find your
authentic self how do you find your
authentic self how do you find your authentic self
authentic self
authentic self I recommend horses but it’s not everyone
I recommend horses but it’s not everyone
I recommend horses but it’s not everyone has a horse there are a lot of things
has a horse there are a lot of things
has a horse there are a lot of things you can do without horses so let’s think
you can do without horses so let’s think
you can do without horses so let’s think back to the horses in the arena and how
back to the horses in the arena and how
back to the horses in the arena and how that parallels life consider where do
that parallels life consider where do
that parallels life consider where do you get stuck where are you being pushed
you get stuck where are you being pushed
you get stuck where are you being pushed around dragged around or boxed in or
around dragged around or boxed in or
around dragged around or boxed in or walked away from when you really want to
walked away from when you really want to
walked away from when you really want to connect these things happen when we
connect these things happen when we
connect these things happen when we aren’t being authentic when you don’t
aren’t being authentic when you don’t
aren’t being authentic when you don’t have a horse to call you out you have to
have a horse to call you out you have to
have a horse to call you out you have to really listen to yourself
really listen to yourself
really listen to yourself we all have an authentic inner voice we
we all have an authentic inner voice we
we all have an authentic inner voice we just grow accustomed to not listening to
just grow accustomed to not listening to
just grow accustomed to not listening to it if you’re getting stomach aches
it if you’re getting stomach aches
it if you’re getting stomach aches headaches not sleeping well or picking
headaches not sleeping well or picking
headaches not sleeping well or picking fights with your spouse consider that it
fights with your spouse consider that it
fights with your spouse consider that it might be your authentic inner voice
might be your authentic inner voice
might be your authentic inner voice desperately trying to get your attention
our our authentic inner voice is a deep
our our authentic inner voice is a deep knowing it’s free of emotional highs and
knowing it’s free of emotional highs and
knowing it’s free of emotional highs and lows it’s not a critical voice it
lows it’s not a critical voice it
lows it’s not a critical voice it doesn’t tell us that we’re not good
doesn’t tell us that we’re not good
doesn’t tell us that we’re not good enough nor does it tell us that we’re
enough nor does it tell us that we’re
enough nor does it tell us that we’re awesome and better than everyone else it
awesome and better than everyone else it
awesome and better than everyone else it gives us information so we can discern
gives us information so we can discern
gives us information so we can discern how we want to conduct ourselves it
how we want to conduct ourselves it
how we want to conduct ourselves it tells us the difference between
tells us the difference between
tells us the difference between excitement about an opportunity and
excitement about an opportunity and
excitement about an opportunity and dread about something that is not a good
you know that ah I should have you fill
you know that ah I should have you fill in the blank
in the blank
in the blank that’s remorse for not listening to our
that’s remorse for not listening to our
that’s remorse for not listening to our authentic inner voice our authentic
authentic inner voice our authentic
authentic inner voice our authentic inner voice literally feels right in our
inner voice literally feels right in our
inner voice literally feels right in our gut that gut feeling is not just
gut that gut feeling is not just
gut that gut feeling is not just metaphorical our gut has been called the
metaphorical our gut has been called the
metaphorical our gut has been called the second brain because it contains about a
second brain because it contains about a
second brain because it contains about a hundred million neurons that give us
hundred million neurons that give us
hundred million neurons that give us feedback about how we’re feeling
feedback about how we’re feeling
feedback about how we’re feeling we just need to pause and listen instead
we just need to pause and listen instead
we just need to pause and listen instead of drowning out our inner knowing with
of drowning out our inner knowing with
of drowning out our inner knowing with fine or other words that don’t really
fine or other words that don’t really
fine or other words that don’t really represent how we feel or what we believe
represent how we feel or what we believe
represent how we feel or what we believe we can be more introspective we can ask
we can be more introspective we can ask
we can be more introspective we can ask ourselves how do I feel really what do I
ourselves how do I feel really what do I
ourselves how do I feel really what do I really believe it takes practice
really believe it takes practice
really believe it takes practice authenticity is like a muscle the more
authenticity is like a muscle the more
authenticity is like a muscle the more you use it the stronger it gets we can
you use it the stronger it gets we can
you use it the stronger it gets we can start with our standard social greeting
start with our standard social greeting
start with our standard social greeting maybe in some cases we should just say
maybe in some cases we should just say
maybe in some cases we should just say hi maybe in others when we say hi how
hi maybe in others when we say hi how
hi maybe in others when we say hi how are you we should slow down and make
are you we should slow down and make
are you we should slow down and make sure the person we’re greeting knows
sure the person we’re greeting knows
sure the person we’re greeting knows that we really want to know how they are
that we really want to know how they are
that we really want to know how they are and when we’re greeted with hi how are
and when we’re greeted with hi how are
and when we’re greeted with hi how are you we should ask ourselves if fine is
you we should ask ourselves if fine is
you we should ask ourselves if fine is the best answer is there a better answer
the best answer is there a better answer
the best answer is there a better answer that will bring us closer together thank
that will bring us closer together thank
that will bring us closer together thank you
you
you [Applause]
”
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