Finding Authenticity in Discomfort | LB Hannahs | TEDxUF

[Music]

[Music] so the other morning I went to the

so the other morning I went to the

so the other morning I went to the grocery store and an employee greeted me

grocery store and an employee greeted me

grocery store and an employee greeted me with a good morning sir can I help you

with a good morning sir can I help you

with a good morning sir can I help you with anything I said no thanks I’m good

with anything I said no thanks I’m good

with anything I said no thanks I’m good person smile then we went our separate

person smile then we went our separate

person smile then we went our separate ways I grabbed Cheerios and I left the

ways I grabbed Cheerios and I left the

ways I grabbed Cheerios and I left the grocery store and I went through the

grocery store and I went through the

grocery store and I went through the drive-through of a local coffee shop and

drive-through of a local coffee shop and

drive-through of a local coffee shop and after I placed my order the voice on the

after I placed my order the voice on the

after I placed my order the voice on the other end said thank you AM Drive right

other end said thank you AM Drive right

other end said thank you AM Drive right around now in the span of less than an

around now in the span of less than an

around now in the span of less than an hour

hour

hour I was understood both as a sir and as a

I was understood both as a sir and as a

I was understood both as a sir and as a man but for me neither of these people

man but for me neither of these people

man but for me neither of these people are wrong but they’re also not

are wrong but they’re also not

are wrong but they’re also not completely right this cute little human

completely right this cute little human

completely right this cute little human is my almost two year old Elliot yeah

is my almost two year old Elliot yeah

is my almost two year old Elliot yeah all right in over the past two years

all right in over the past two years

all right in over the past two years this kid has forced me to rethink the

this kid has forced me to rethink the

this kid has forced me to rethink the world and how I participate in it

world and how I participate in it

world and how I participate in it identify as transgender and as a parent

identify as transgender and as a parent

identify as transgender and as a parent and that makes me a transparent

and that makes me a transparent

and that makes me a transparent [Laughter]

as you can see I took years this year’s

as you can see I took years this year’s SEMA went super literal like any good

SEMA went super literal like any good

SEMA went super literal like any good dad joke should so more specifically

dad joke should so more specifically

dad joke should so more specifically identify as genderqueer and now there

identify as genderqueer and now there

identify as genderqueer and now there are lots of ways to experience being

are lots of ways to experience being

are lots of ways to experience being genderqueer but for me that means I

genderqueer but for me that means I

genderqueer but for me that means I don’t really identify as a man or a

don’t really identify as a man or a

don’t really identify as a man or a woman

woman

woman I feel in-between and sometimes outside

I feel in-between and sometimes outside

I feel in-between and sometimes outside of this gender binary and being outside

of this gender binary and being outside

of this gender binary and being outside of this gender binary means that

of this gender binary means that

of this gender binary means that sometimes I get served and ma’am in the

sometimes I get served and ma’am in the

sometimes I get served and ma’am in the span of less than an hour when I’m out

span of less than an hour when I’m out

span of less than an hour when I’m out doing everyday things like getting

doing everyday things like getting

doing everyday things like getting Cheerios but this in-between land is

Cheerios but this in-between land is

Cheerios but this in-between land is where I’m most comfortable this space

where I’m most comfortable this space

where I’m most comfortable this space where I can be both a certain a man

where I can be both a certain a man

where I can be both a certain a man feels the most right and the most

feels the most right and the most

feels the most right and the most authentic but it doesn’t mean that these

authentic but it doesn’t mean that these

authentic but it doesn’t mean that these interactions are uncomfortable trust me

interactions are uncomfortable trust me

interactions are uncomfortable trust me that discomfort can range from minor

that discomfort can range from minor

that discomfort can range from minor annoys to feel like physically unsafe at

annoys to feel like physically unsafe at

annoys to feel like physically unsafe at the time at a bar in college when a

the time at a bar in college when a

the time at a bar in college when a bouncer physically removing by the back

bouncer physically removing by the back

bouncer physically removing by the back of the neck and threw me out of a

of the neck and threw me out of a

of the neck and threw me out of a woman’s restroom but for me authenticity

woman’s restroom but for me authenticity

woman’s restroom but for me authenticity doesn’t mean comfortable it means

doesn’t mean comfortable it means

doesn’t mean comfortable it means managing and negotiating the discomfort

managing and negotiating the discomfort

managing and negotiating the discomfort of everyday life even the times when

of everyday life even the times when

of everyday life even the times when it’s unsafe and it wasn’t until my

it’s unsafe and it wasn’t until my

it’s unsafe and it wasn’t until my experience as a trans person collided

experience as a trans person collided

experience as a trans person collided with my new identity as a parent that I

with my new identity as a parent that I

with my new identity as a parent that I understood the depth of my

understood the depth of my

understood the depth of my vulnerabilities and how they were

vulnerabilities and how they were

vulnerabilities and how they were preventing me from being my most

preventing me from being my most

preventing me from being my most authentic self now for most people what

authentic self now for most people what

authentic self now for most people what the child will call them is not

the child will call them is not

the child will call them is not something that they gave much thought to

something that they gave much thought to

something that they gave much thought to outside of culturally specific words or

outside of culturally specific words or

outside of culturally specific words or variations on a gendered theme like mama

variations on a gendered theme like mama

variations on a gendered theme like mama mommy or daddy Papa but for me the

mommy or daddy Papa but for me the

mommy or daddy Papa but for me the possibility is with this child who will

possibility is with this child who will

possibility is with this child who will grow to be a teenager and then a

grow to be a teenager and then a

grow to be a teenager and then a real-life adult will call me for the

real-life adult will call me for the

real-life adult will call me for the rest of our lives we both was both

rest of our lives we both was both

rest of our lives we both was both extremely scary and exciting and I spent

extremely scary and exciting and I spent

extremely scary and exciting and I spent nine months wrestling with the reality

nine months wrestling with the reality

nine months wrestling with the reality that being called mama or something like

that being called mama or something like

that being called mama or something like it didn’t feel like me at all and no

it didn’t feel like me at all and no

it didn’t feel like me at all and no matter how many times their versions of

matter how many times their versions of

matter how many times their versions of mom that I tried it always felt forced

mom that I tried it always felt forced

mom that I tried it always felt forced and deeply uncomfortable I knew being

and deeply uncomfortable I knew being

and deeply uncomfortable I knew being called mom or mommy would be easier to

called mom or mommy would be easier to

called mom or mommy would be easier to digest for most people the idea of

digest for most people the idea of

digest for most people the idea of having two moms is not super novel

having two moms is not super novel

having two moms is not super novel especially where we live so I tried

especially where we live so I tried

especially where we live so I tried other words and when I played around

other words and when I played around

other words and when I played around with Daddy it felt better

with Daddy it felt better

with Daddy it felt better better but not perfect it felt like a

better but not perfect it felt like a

better but not perfect it felt like a pair of shoes that you really liked but

pair of shoes that you really liked but

pair of shoes that you really liked but you needed to wear and break in and I

you needed to wear and break in and I

you needed to wear and break in and I knew the idea of being a female born

knew the idea of being a female born

knew the idea of being a female born person being called daddy was going to

person being called daddy was going to

person being called daddy was going to be a harder road with a lot more

be a harder road with a lot more

be a harder road with a lot more uncomfortable moments

uncomfortable moments

uncomfortable moments but before I knew it the time had come

but before I knew it the time had come

but before I knew it the time had come and Elliot came screaming into the world

and Elliot came screaming into the world

and Elliot came screaming into the world like most babies do and my new identity

like most babies do and my new identity

like most babies do and my new identity as a parent began I decided on becoming

as a parent began I decided on becoming

as a parent began I decided on becoming a daddy and I knew and family face the

a daddy and I knew and family face the

a daddy and I knew and family face the world now one of the most common things

world now one of the most common things

world now one of the most common things that happens when people meet us is for

that happens when people meet us is for

that happens when people meet us is for people to mom me and when I get moms

people to mom me and when I get moms

people to mom me and when I get moms there are several ways of interaction

there are several ways of interaction

there are several ways of interaction can go and I’ve drawn this map to help

can go and I’ve drawn this map to help

can go and I’ve drawn this map to help help illustrate my options so option one

help illustrate my options so option one

help illustrate my options so option one is to ignore the assumption and allow

is to ignore the assumption and allow

is to ignore the assumption and allow folks to continue to refer to me as mom

folks to continue to refer to me as mom

folks to continue to refer to me as mom which is not awkward for the other party

which is not awkward for the other party

which is not awkward for the other party but it’s typically really awkward for us

but it’s typically really awkward for us

but it’s typically really awkward for us and it usually causes me to restrict my

and it usually causes me to restrict my

and it usually causes me to restrict my interaction with those people option one

interaction with those people option one

interaction with those people option one option two is to is to stop and correct

option two is to is to stop and correct

option two is to is to stop and correct them and say something like actually I’m

them and say something like actually I’m

them and say something like actually I’m Elliot’s dad or Lda calls me daddy and

Elliot’s dad or Lda calls me daddy and

Elliot’s dad or Lda calls me daddy and when I do this one or two of the

when I do this one or two of the

when I do this one or two of the following things happen folks take it in

following things happen folks take it in

following things happen folks take it in stride and say something like oh okay

stride and say something like oh okay

stride and say something like oh okay and move on or they respond by pologize

and move on or they respond by pologize

and move on or they respond by pologize ‘ok profusely because they feel bad or

‘ok profusely because they feel bad or

‘ok profusely because they feel bad or awkward or guilty or weird but more

awkward or guilty or weird but more

awkward or guilty or weird but more often what happens is folks get really

often what happens is folks get really

often what happens is folks get really confused and look up with an intense

confused and look up with an intense

confused and look up with an intense look and say something like does this

look and say something like does this

look and say something like does this mean you want to transition do you want

mean you want to transition do you want

mean you want to transition do you want to be a man or say things like how can

to be a man or say things like how can

to be a man or say things like how can she be a father only men can be dads

she be a father only men can be dads

she be a father only men can be dads well option one is oftentimes the easier

well option one is oftentimes the easier

well option one is oftentimes the easier route option two is always the more

route option two is always the more

route option two is always the more authentic one in all of these scenarios

authentic one in all of these scenarios

authentic one in all of these scenarios involve a level discomfort even in the

involve a level discomfort even in the

involve a level discomfort even in the best case and I’ll say that over time my

best case and I’ll say that over time my

best case and I’ll say that over time my ability to navigate this complicated map

ability to navigate this complicated map

ability to navigate this complicated map has gotten easier but the discomfort is

has gotten easier but the discomfort is

has gotten easier but the discomfort is still there now I won’t stand here and

still there now I won’t stand here and

still there now I won’t stand here and pretend like I’ve mastered this it’s

pretend like I’ve mastered this it’s

pretend like I’ve mastered this it’s pretty far from it and there are days

pretty far from it and there are days

pretty far from it and there are days when I still allow option one to take

when I still allow option one to take

when I still allow option one to take place because option two is just too

place because option two is just too

place because option two is just too hard or too risky there’s no way to tell

hard or too risky there’s no way to tell

hard or too risky there’s no way to tell that or to be sure of anyone’s reaction

that or to be sure of anyone’s reaction

that or to be sure of anyone’s reaction and I want to be sure that folks have

and I want to be sure that folks have

and I want to be sure that folks have good intentions that people are good but

good intentions that people are good but

good intentions that people are good but we live in a world where someone’s

we live in a world where someone’s

we live in a world where someone’s opinion of my existence can be met with

opinion of my existence can be met with

opinion of my existence can be met with serious threats to me or even my

serious threats to me or even my

serious threats to me or even my family’s emotional or physical safety

family’s emotional or physical safety

family’s emotional or physical safety so I weigh the I weigh the cost against

so I weigh the I weigh the cost against

so I weigh the I weigh the cost against the risks and sometimes the safety of my

the risks and sometimes the safety of my

the risks and sometimes the safety of my family comes before my own authenticity

family comes before my own authenticity

family comes before my own authenticity but

but

but despite this risk I know as Elliott gets

despite this risk I know as Elliott gets

despite this risk I know as Elliott gets older and grows into her consciousness

older and grows into her consciousness

older and grows into her consciousness consciousness and language skills if I

consciousness and language skills if I

consciousness and language skills if I don’t correct people she will I don’t

don’t correct people she will I don’t

don’t correct people she will I don’t want my fears and insecurities to be

want my fears and insecurities to be

want my fears and insecurities to be placed on her to dampen her spirit or

placed on her to dampen her spirit or

placed on her to dampen her spirit or make her question her own voice I need

make her question her own voice I need

make her question her own voice I need to model agency authenticity and

to model agency authenticity and

to model agency authenticity and vulnerability and that lean means

vulnerability and that lean means

vulnerability and that lean means leaning into those uncomfortable moments

leaning into those uncomfortable moments

leaning into those uncomfortable moments of being mom’d and standing up and

of being mom’d and standing up and

of being mom’d and standing up and saying no I’m a dad and I even have the

saying no I’m a dad and I even have the

saying no I’m a dad and I even have the dad jokes to prove it now there already

dad jokes to prove it now there already

dad jokes to prove it now there already been plenty of uncomfortable moments and

been plenty of uncomfortable moments and

been plenty of uncomfortable moments and even some painful ones but there’s also

even some painful ones but there’s also

even some painful ones but there’s also been in just two short years validating

been in just two short years validating

been in just two short years validating and at times transformative moments on

and at times transformative moments on

and at times transformative moments on my journey as a dad and my path towards

my journey as a dad and my path towards

my journey as a dad and my path towards authenticity when we got our first

authenticity when we got our first

authenticity when we got our first sonogram we decided we wanted to know

sonogram we decided we wanted to know

sonogram we decided we wanted to know the sex of the baby the technician saw

the sex of the baby the technician saw

the sex of the baby the technician saw Evolvin slapped the words it’s a girl on

Evolvin slapped the words it’s a girl on

Evolvin slapped the words it’s a girl on the screen and gave us a copy and sent

the screen and gave us a copy and sent

the screen and gave us a copy and sent us on our way

us on our way

us on our way we shared the photo with our families

we shared the photo with our families

we shared the photo with our families like everyone does and soon after my mom

like everyone does and soon after my mom

like everyone does and soon after my mom showed up at our house with a bag filled

showed up at our house with a bag filled

showed up at our house with a bag filled and I’m not exaggerating it was like

and I’m not exaggerating it was like

and I’m not exaggerating it was like this I and it was filled and overflowing

this I and it was filled and overflowing

this I and it was filled and overflowing with pink clothes and toys now I was a

with pink clothes and toys now I was a

with pink clothes and toys now I was a little annoyed to be confronted with a

little annoyed to be confronted with a

little annoyed to be confronted with a lot of pink things and having studied

lot of pink things and having studied

lot of pink things and having studied gender and spent countless hours

gender and spent countless hours

gender and spent countless hours teaching about it in the workshops and

teaching about it in the workshops and

teaching about it in the workshops and classrooms I thought it was pretty

classrooms I thought it was pretty

classrooms I thought it was pretty well-versed on the social construction

well-versed on the social construction

well-versed on the social construction of gender on how sexism is a devaluing

of gender on how sexism is a devaluing

of gender on how sexism is a devaluing of the feminine and how it manifests

of the feminine and how it manifests

of the feminine and how it manifests both explicitly and implicitly but this

both explicitly and implicitly but this

both explicitly and implicitly but this situation this aversion to a bag full of

situation this aversion to a bag full of

situation this aversion to a bag full of pink stuff forced to force me to explore

pink stuff forced to force me to explore

pink stuff forced to force me to explore my rejection of highly feminized things

my rejection of highly feminized things

my rejection of highly feminized things in my child’s world I realized that I

in my child’s world I realized that I

in my child’s world I realized that I was reinforcing sexism and the cultural

was reinforcing sexism and the cultural

was reinforcing sexism and the cultural norms I teach is problematic no matter

norms I teach is problematic no matter

norms I teach is problematic no matter how much I believe in gender neutrality

how much I believe in gender neutrality

how much I believe in gender neutrality and theory in practice the absence of

and theory in practice the absence of

and theory in practice the absence of femininity is not neutrality its

femininity is not neutrality its

femininity is not neutrality its masculinity if I only address my baby in

masculinity if I only address my baby in

masculinity if I only address my baby in greens and blues and Gray’s the outside

greens and blues and Gray’s the outside

greens and blues and Gray’s the outside world doesn’t think oh that’s a cute

world doesn’t think oh that’s a cute

world doesn’t think oh that’s a cute gender-neutral baby they think oh what a

gender-neutral baby they think oh what a

gender-neutral baby they think oh what a cute boy

cute boy

cute boy so my theoretical understanding of

so my theoretical understanding of

so my theoretical understanding of gender and my parenting world collided

gender and my parenting world collided

gender and my parenting world collided hard yes I want a diversity of colors

hard yes I want a diversity of colors

hard yes I want a diversity of colors and toys for my childhood experience

and toys for my childhood experience

and toys for my childhood experience I want a balanced environment for her to

I want a balanced environment for her to

I want a balanced environment for her to explore and my sense of in her own way

explore and my sense of in her own way

explore and my sense of in her own way we even picked a gender-neutral name

we even picked a gender-neutral name

we even picked a gender-neutral name for our female born child but Jena

for our female born child but Jena

for our female born child but Jena neutrality is much easier as a

neutrality is much easier as a

neutrality is much easier as a theoretical endeavor that it is as a

theoretical endeavor that it is as a

theoretical endeavor that it is as a practice and in my attempts to create

practice and in my attempts to create

practice and in my attempts to create gender neutrality I was inadvertently

gender neutrality I was inadvertently

gender neutrality I was inadvertently privileged in masculinity over

privileged in masculinity over

privileged in masculinity over femininity so rather than toning down or

femininity so rather than toning down or

femininity so rather than toning down or eliminating femininity in our lives we

eliminating femininity in our lives we

eliminating femininity in our lives we make a concerted effort to celebrate it

make a concerted effort to celebrate it

make a concerted effort to celebrate it we have pinks among the variety of

we have pinks among the variety of

we have pinks among the variety of colours we balance out the cutes with

colours we balance out the cutes with

colours we balance out the cutes with Handsome’s and the pretties with

Handsome’s and the pretties with

Handsome’s and the pretties with Strong’s and smarts and work really not

Strong’s and smarts and work really not

Strong’s and smarts and work really not hard not to associate any words with

hard not to associate any words with

hard not to associate any words with gender we value femininity and

gender we value femininity and

gender we value femininity and masculinity while also being highly

masculinity while also being highly

masculinity while also being highly critical of it and do our best and to

critical of it and do our best and to

critical of it and do our best and to not make her feel limited by gender

not make her feel limited by gender

not make her feel limited by gender roles and we do all this in hopes that

roles and we do all this in hopes that

roles and we do all this in hopes that we model a healthy and empowered

we model a healthy and empowered

we model a healthy and empowered relationship with gender for our kid now

relationship with gender for our kid now

relationship with gender for our kid now this work to develop a healthy

this work to develop a healthy

this work to develop a healthy relationship with gender for Elliot made

relationship with gender for Elliot made

relationship with gender for Elliot made me rethink and evaluate how I allowed

me rethink and evaluate how I allowed

me rethink and evaluate how I allowed sexism to manifest in my own gender

sexism to manifest in my own gender

sexism to manifest in my own gender identity I began to reevaluate how is

identity I began to reevaluate how is

identity I began to reevaluate how is rejecting femininity in order to live up

rejecting femininity in order to live up

rejecting femininity in order to live up to a masculinity that was not healthy or

to a masculinity that was not healthy or

to a masculinity that was not healthy or something I wanted to pass on doing this

something I wanted to pass on doing this

something I wanted to pass on doing this self work meant ahead the rejection

self work meant ahead the rejection

self work meant ahead the rejection reject option one I couldn’t ignore and

reject option one I couldn’t ignore and

reject option one I couldn’t ignore and move on I had to choose option two I had

move on I had to choose option two I had

move on I had to choose option two I had to engage with some of my most

to engage with some of my most

to engage with some of my most uncomfortable parts to move towards my

uncomfortable parts to move towards my

uncomfortable parts to move towards my most authentic self and that meant I had

most authentic self and that meant I had

most authentic self and that meant I had to get real about the discomfort I have

to get real about the discomfort I have

to get real about the discomfort I have with my body now it’s pretty common for

with my body now it’s pretty common for

with my body now it’s pretty common for trans people to feel uncomfortable in

trans people to feel uncomfortable in

trans people to feel uncomfortable in their body and this discomfort can range

their body and this discomfort can range

their body and this discomfort can range from debilitating to annoying and

from debilitating to annoying and

from debilitating to annoying and everywhere in between and learning my

everywhere in between and learning my

everywhere in between and learning my body and how to be comfortable in it as

body and how to be comfortable in it as

body and how to be comfortable in it as a trans person has been a lifelong

a trans person has been a lifelong

a trans person has been a lifelong journey I’ve always struggled with the

journey I’ve always struggled with the

journey I’ve always struggled with the parts of my body that can be I can be

parts of my body that can be I can be

parts of my body that can be I can be defined as more feminine my chest my

defined as more feminine my chest my

defined as more feminine my chest my hips my voice and I’ve made this

hips my voice and I’ve made this

hips my voice and I’ve made this sometimes hard sometimes easy decision

sometimes hard sometimes easy decision

sometimes hard sometimes easy decision to not take hormones or have any

to not take hormones or have any

to not take hormones or have any surgeries to change it to make myself

surgeries to change it to make myself

surgeries to change it to make myself more masculine by society’s standards

more masculine by society’s standards

more masculine by society’s standards and while I certainly haven’t overcome

and while I certainly haven’t overcome

and while I certainly haven’t overcome all the feelings of dissatisfaction I

all the feelings of dissatisfaction I

all the feelings of dissatisfaction I realized that by not engaging with that

realized that by not engaging with that

realized that by not engaging with that discomfort and coming to a positive and

discomfort and coming to a positive and

discomfort and coming to a positive and affirming place with my body I was

affirming place with my body I was

affirming place with my body I was reinforcing sexism transphobia and

reinforcing sexism transphobia and

reinforcing sexism transphobia and modeling body shaming if I hate my body

modeling body shaming if I hate my body

modeling body shaming if I hate my body in particular the part society deems

in particular the part society deems

in particular the part society deems feminine or female I potentially limit

feminine or female I potentially limit

feminine or female I potentially limit or damage how my kid can see the

or damage how my kid can see the

or damage how my kid can see the possibilities of her body and her

possibilities of her body and her

possibilities of her body and her feminine and female parts if I hate I’m

feminine and female parts if I hate I’m

feminine and female parts if I hate I’m uncomfortable with my body

uncomfortable with my body

uncomfortable with my body can I expect my kid to love hers now it

can I expect my kid to love hers now it

can I expect my kid to love hers now it would be easier for me to choose option

would be easier for me to choose option

would be easier for me to choose option one to ignore my kid when she asked me

one to ignore my kid when she asked me

one to ignore my kid when she asked me about my body or to hide it from her but

about my body or to hide it from her but

about my body or to hide it from her but I have to choose option two every day I

I have to choose option two every day I

I have to choose option two every day I have to confront my own assumptions

have to confront my own assumptions

have to confront my own assumptions about what a dad’s body can and should

about what a dad’s body can and should

about what a dad’s body can and should be so I work every day to try and be

be so I work every day to try and be

be so I work every day to try and be more comfortable in this body and in the

more comfortable in this body and in the

more comfortable in this body and in the ways I express femininity so I talk

ways I express femininity so I talk

ways I express femininity so I talk about it more I explore the depths of

about it more I explore the depths of

about it more I explore the depths of this discomfort and find language that I

this discomfort and find language that I

this discomfort and find language that I feel comfortable with in this daily

feel comfortable with in this daily

feel comfortable with in this daily discomfort helps me build both agency

discomfort helps me build both agency

discomfort helps me build both agency and authenticity and how I show up in my

and authenticity and how I show up in my

and authenticity and how I show up in my body and in my gender I’m working

body and in my gender I’m working

body and in my gender I’m working against limiting myself I want to show

against limiting myself I want to show

against limiting myself I want to show her that a dad can have hips a dad

her that a dad can have hips a dad

her that a dad can have hips a dad doesn’t have to have a perfectly flat

doesn’t have to have a perfectly flat

doesn’t have to have a perfectly flat chest or even be able to grow facial

chest or even be able to grow facial

chest or even be able to grow facial hair and when she’s developmentally able

hair and when she’s developmentally able

hair and when she’s developmentally able to I want to talk to her about my

to I want to talk to her about my

to I want to talk to her about my journey with my body I wanted to see my

journey with my body I wanted to see my

journey with my body I wanted to see my journey towards authenticity even when

journey towards authenticity even when

journey towards authenticity even when it means showing her than Messier parts

it means showing her than Messier parts

it means showing her than Messier parts we have a wonderful pediatrician and

we have a wonderful pediatrician and

we have a wonderful pediatrician and have established a good relationship

have established a good relationship

have established a good relationship with our kids doctor and as you all know

with our kids doctor and as you all know

with our kids doctor and as you all know while your doctor stays the same your

while your doctor stays the same your

while your doctor stays the same your nurses and nurse practitioners change it

nurses and nurse practitioners change it

nurses and nurse practitioners change it in and out and when Elliot was first

in and out and when Elliot was first

in and out and when Elliot was first born we took her to the pediatrician we

born we took her to the pediatrician we

born we took her to the pediatrician we met our first nurse we’ll call her Sarah

met our first nurse we’ll call her Sarah

met our first nurse we’ll call her Sarah now very early in on our time with Sarah

now very early in on our time with Sarah

now very early in on our time with Sarah we told her how I was going to be called

we told her how I was going to be called

we told her how I was going to be called dad and my partner is mama

dad and my partner is mama

dad and my partner is mama Sarah was when most folks that took it

Sarah was when most folks that took it

Sarah was when most folks that took it in stride and our subsequent visits went

in stride and our subsequent visits went

in stride and our subsequent visits went pretty smoothly and about a year later

pretty smoothly and about a year later

pretty smoothly and about a year later Sarah switched shifts and we started

Sarah switched shifts and we started

Sarah switched shifts and we started working with a new nurse will call her

working with a new nurse will call her

working with a new nurse will call her Becky and we didn’t get in front of the

Becky and we didn’t get in front of the

Becky and we didn’t get in front of the dad conversations and it didn’t actually

dad conversations and it didn’t actually

dad conversations and it didn’t actually come up until Sarah our original nurse

come up until Sarah our original nurse

come up until Sarah our original nurse walked in to say hi now Sarah’s warm and

walked in to say hi now Sarah’s warm and

walked in to say hi now Sarah’s warm and bubbly it said hi to Elliot and me and

bubbly it said hi to Elliot and me and

bubbly it said hi to Elliot and me and my wife and when talking to Elliot said

my wife and when talking to Elliot said

my wife and when talking to Elliot said something like is your daddy holding

something like is your daddy holding

something like is your daddy holding your toy now the corner of my eye I

your toy now the corner of my eye I

your toy now the corner of my eye I could see Becky swinging around in her

could see Becky swinging around in her

could see Becky swinging around in her chair and make daggers at Sarah and as a

chair and make daggers at Sarah and as a

chair and make daggers at Sarah and as a conversation shifted to our pediatrician

conversation shifted to our pediatrician

conversation shifted to our pediatrician I saw Sarah and Becky’s interaction

I saw Sarah and Becky’s interaction

I saw Sarah and Becky’s interaction continued and I want something like this

continued and I want something like this

continued and I want something like this Becky

Becky

Becky shaking your head no and mouthing the

shaking your head no and mouthing the

shaking your head no and mouthing the word mom Beck Sarah shaking your head no

word mom Beck Sarah shaking your head no

word mom Beck Sarah shaking your head no and mouthing word no dad I know awkward

and mouthing word no dad I know awkward

and mouthing word no dad I know awkward right so this went back and forth and

right so this went back and forth and

right so this went back and forth and total silence a few more times until we

total silence a few more times until we

total silence a few more times until we walked away now this interaction is

walked away now this interaction is

walked away now this interaction is stuck with me

stuck with me

stuck with me sara could have chosen option one

sara could have chosen option one

sara could have chosen option one ignored becky and let her refer to me as

ignored becky and let her refer to me as

ignored becky and let her refer to me as mom it would have been easier for Sara

mom it would have been easier for Sara

mom it would have been easier for Sara she could have put the responsibility

she could have put the responsibility

she could have put the responsibility back on me or not said anything at all

back on me or not said anything at all

back on me or not said anything at all but in that moment she chose option two

but in that moment she chose option two

but in that moment she chose option two she chose to confront the assumptions

she chose to confront the assumptions

she chose to confront the assumptions and affirm my existence she insisted

and affirm my existence she insisted

and affirm my existence she insisted that a person who looks and sounds like

that a person who looks and sounds like

that a person who looks and sounds like me can in fact be a dad

me can in fact be a dad

me can in fact be a dad and in a small but meaningful way

and in a small but meaningful way

and in a small but meaningful way advocated for me my authenticity and my

advocated for me my authenticity and my

advocated for me my authenticity and my family unfortunately we live in a world

family unfortunately we live in a world

family unfortunately we live in a world that refuses to acknowledge trans people

that refuses to acknowledge trans people

that refuses to acknowledge trans people in the diversity of trans people in

in the diversity of trans people in

in the diversity of trans people in general and my hope is that when

general and my hope is that when

general and my hope is that when confronted with an opportunity to stand

confronted with an opportunity to stand

confronted with an opportunity to stand up for someone else we all take action

up for someone else we all take action

up for someone else we all take action like Sara even when there’s risk

like Sara even when there’s risk

like Sara even when there’s risk involved so some days the risk of being

involved so some days the risk of being

involved so some days the risk of being a genderqueer dad feels too much and

a genderqueer dad feels too much and

a genderqueer dad feels too much and deciding to be a dad has been really

deciding to be a dad has been really

deciding to be a dad has been really hard and I’m sure it will continue to be

hard and I’m sure it will continue to be

hard and I’m sure it will continue to be the hardest yet most rewarding

the hardest yet most rewarding

the hardest yet most rewarding experience of my life but despite this

experience of my life but despite this

experience of my life but despite this challenge every day has felt a hundred

challenge every day has felt a hundred

challenge every day has felt a hundred percent worth it so each day I affirm my

percent worth it so each day I affirm my

percent worth it so each day I affirm my promise to Elliott and that same promise

promise to Elliott and that same promise

promise to Elliott and that same promise to myself to love her and myself hard

to myself to love her and myself hard

to myself to love her and myself hard with forgiveness and compassion with

with forgiveness and compassion with

with forgiveness and compassion with tough love and with generosity to give

tough love and with generosity to give

tough love and with generosity to give room for growth to push beyond comfort

room for growth to push beyond comfort

room for growth to push beyond comfort in hopes of attaining and living a more

in hopes of attaining and living a more

in hopes of attaining and living a more meaningful life I know in my head and in

meaningful life I know in my head and in

meaningful life I know in my head and in my heart that they’re hard and painful

my heart that they’re hard and painful

my heart that they’re hard and painful and uncomfortable days ahead my head and

and uncomfortable days ahead my head and

and uncomfortable days ahead my head and my heart also know that all of it will

my heart also know that all of it will

my heart also know that all of it will lead to a more rich authentic life that

lead to a more rich authentic life that

lead to a more rich authentic life that I could look back on without regrets

I could look back on without regrets

I could look back on without regrets thank