hello my hip replaced a week ago and while it
my hip replaced a week ago and while it
my hip replaced a week ago and while it is not the story I want to share I have
is not the story I want to share I have
is not the story I want to share I have I think a more interesting one for you
I think a more interesting one for you
I think a more interesting one for you today when I was a kid
today when I was a kid
today when I was a kid my mom set me down every day because she
my mom set me down every day because she
my mom set me down every day because she noticed that my life festered with
noticed that my life festered with
noticed that my life festered with frustration for the first several weeks
frustration for the first several weeks
frustration for the first several weeks after my birthday she would explain to
after my birthday she would explain to
after my birthday she would explain to me all the great new things that
me all the great new things that
me all the great new things that six-year-old Charlie got to do that the
six-year-old Charlie got to do that the
six-year-old Charlie got to do that the former 5 year old version couldn’t and I
former 5 year old version couldn’t and I
former 5 year old version couldn’t and I was like an update really and the
was like an update really and the
was like an update really and the instantly life would ease but while she
instantly life would ease but while she
instantly life would ease but while she was reframing a growing pain as an
was reframing a growing pain as an
was reframing a growing pain as an opportunity what she was actually doing
opportunity what she was actually doing
opportunity what she was actually doing was teaching me that every day starts
was teaching me that every day starts
was teaching me that every day starts with space to get better and so every
with space to get better and so every
with space to get better and so every day I started with space to get better
day I started with space to get better
day I started with space to get better at my handwriting and homework at making
at my handwriting and homework at making
at my handwriting and homework at making friends baking cookies and at 10 I found
friends baking cookies and at 10 I found
friends baking cookies and at 10 I found dance which was my perfect playground
dance which was my perfect playground
dance which was my perfect playground for practice before long though a
for practice before long though a
for practice before long though a teacher pulled me aside and said that if
teacher pulled me aside and said that if
teacher pulled me aside and said that if I were serious about dance I needed to
I were serious about dance I needed to
I were serious about dance I needed to lose weight okay this news hit me like a
lose weight okay this news hit me like a
lose weight okay this news hit me like a belly-flop I was a kid I wasn’t prepared
belly-flop I was a kid I wasn’t prepared
belly-flop I was a kid I wasn’t prepared to defend against body shaming and
to defend against body shaming and
to defend against body shaming and honestly I wasn’t horribly fat but
honestly I wasn’t horribly fat but
honestly I wasn’t horribly fat but teachers assured me that a growth spurt
teachers assured me that a growth spurt
teachers assured me that a growth spurt would fix everything all I needed to do
would fix everything all I needed to do
would fix everything all I needed to do was wait and in that interminable period
was wait and in that interminable period
was wait and in that interminable period of waiting I thought it best to practice
of waiting I thought it best to practice
of waiting I thought it best to practice and that practice paid off because by
and that practice paid off because by
and that practice paid off because by 12:00 the dance competition circuits
12:00 the dance competition circuits
12:00 the dance competition circuits began rewarding me with scholarships to
began rewarding me with scholarships to
began rewarding me with scholarships to summer programs and copious trophies the
summer programs and copious trophies the
summer programs and copious trophies the kind of that little plastic figuring
kind of that little plastic figuring
kind of that little plastic figuring that balances on the column the night
that balances on the column the night
that balances on the column the night the judge awarded me best male dancer no
the judge awarded me best male dancer no
the judge awarded me best male dancer no outstanding dancer of the competition he
outstanding dancer of the competition he
outstanding dancer of the competition he came up to congratulate me and he said
came up to congratulate me and he said
came up to congratulate me and he said Charlie you’ll be unstoppable just as
Charlie you’ll be unstoppable just as
Charlie you’ll be unstoppable just as soon as you lose all that baby fat I
soon as you lose all that baby fat I
soon as you lose all that baby fat I think thank you
think thank you
think thank you this conversation though became
this conversation though became
this conversation though became incredibly familiar this quiet
incredibly familiar this quiet
incredibly familiar this quiet compliment about my skill couched in
compliment about my skill couched in
compliment about my skill couched in some loud criticism about my appearance
some loud criticism about my appearance
some loud criticism about my appearance over the next three years my mom
over the next three years my mom
over the next three years my mom realized that while nothing in my body
realized that while nothing in my body
realized that while nothing in my body was changing my self-esteem was and so
was changing my self-esteem was and so
was changing my self-esteem was and so she asked of course if I wanted to make
she asked of course if I wanted to make
she asked of course if I wanted to make space to get better and I said yes so I
space to get better and I said yes so I
space to get better and I said yes so I went on a diet I counted calories I
went on a diet I counted calories I
went on a diet I counted calories I measured food I distilled the pleasure
measured food I distilled the pleasure
measured food I distilled the pleasure of eating into a cold and calculated
of eating into a cold and calculated
of eating into a cold and calculated science but I lost 14 pounds and while
science but I lost 14 pounds and while
science but I lost 14 pounds and while between us that 14 pounds most likely
between us that 14 pounds most likely
between us that 14 pounds most likely stunted my growth it worked because by
stunted my growth it worked because by
stunted my growth it worked because by 18 the National Foundation for
18 the National Foundation for
18 the National Foundation for advancement in the arts awarded me 2nd
advancement in the arts awarded me 2nd
advancement in the arts awarded me 2nd place out of more than 10,000 high
place out of more than 10,000 high
place out of more than 10,000 high school seniors in a competition called
school seniors in a competition called
school seniors in a competition called the presidential honors I was so proud
the presidential honors I was so proud
the presidential honors I was so proud and I felt at the top of my game I
and I felt at the top of my game I
and I felt at the top of my game I confidently auditioned for 14 ballet
confidently auditioned for 14 ballet
confidently auditioned for 14 ballet companies that year and all 14 of them
companies that year and all 14 of them
companies that year and all 14 of them said no but it wasn’t just a no.1 letter
said no but it wasn’t just a no.1 letter
said no but it wasn’t just a no.1 letter read we regret to inform you that we
read we regret to inform you that we
read we regret to inform you that we have absolutely no use for a body like
have absolutely no use for a body like
have absolutely no use for a body like yours in our company I was crestfallen
yours in our company I was crestfallen
yours in our company I was crestfallen eventually through a friend of a friend
eventually through a friend of a friend
eventually through a friend of a friend I did lend a job but it was sight unseen
I did lend a job but it was sight unseen
I did lend a job but it was sight unseen and I noticed after the first year that
and I noticed after the first year that
and I noticed after the first year that I was always cast as a clown or a court
I was always cast as a clown or a court
I was always cast as a clown or a court jester
jester
jester and when I asked why this was they said
and when I asked why this was they said
and when I asked why this was they said it was because you do these parts so
it was because you do these parts so
it was because you do these parts so well but I later learned a deeper truth
well but I later learned a deeper truth
well but I later learned a deeper truth and so I asked you did you know that
and so I asked you did you know that
and so I asked you did you know that there’s a height and a hair requirement
there’s a height and a hair requirement
there’s a height and a hair requirement to be a prince I don’t meet those
to be a prince I don’t meet those
to be a prince I don’t meet those requirements
requirements
requirements well wondering if the grass could be
well wondering if the grass could be
well wondering if the grass could be greener the following season I
greener the following season I
greener the following season I auditioned for 41 companies casting a
auditioned for 41 companies casting a
auditioned for 41 companies casting a wide net and this time all 41 said no my
wide net and this time all 41 said no my
wide net and this time all 41 said no my favorite was the director who whispered
favorite was the director who whispered
favorite was the director who whispered softly under his breath but still loud
softly under his breath but still loud
softly under his breath but still loud enough for me to hear I just didn’t
enough for me to hear I just didn’t
enough for me to hear I just didn’t think he’d actually be that short
think he’d actually be that short
think he’d actually be that short surprised the weird thing though is that
surprised the weird thing though is that
surprised the weird thing though is that while more than three dozen companies
while more than three dozen companies
while more than three dozen companies were flatly rejecting my appearance my
were flatly rejecting my appearance my
were flatly rejecting my appearance my skill was being considered for Prince
skill was being considered for Prince
skill was being considered for Prince reward this is an international
reward this is an international
reward this is an international acknowledgement that celebrates
acknowledgement that celebrates
acknowledgement that celebrates achievement in the arts so I had near
achievement in the arts so I had near
achievement in the arts so I had near best in the nation skill but it was
best in the nation skill but it was
best in the nation skill but it was trapped in the body that nobody could
trapped in the body that nobody could
trapped in the body that nobody could stomach at 21 I thought maybe now the
stomach at 21 I thought maybe now the
stomach at 21 I thought maybe now the spell would be broken when I was cast as
spell would be broken when I was cast as
spell would be broken when I was cast as the lead in George Balanchine steamin
the lead in George Balanchine steamin
the lead in George Balanchine steamin variations like a black belt in karate
variations like a black belt in karate
variations like a black belt in karate I’d earned my white tights except before
I’d earned my white tights except before
I’d earned my white tights except before I could perform the part we needed to
I could perform the part we needed to
I could perform the part we needed to get approval from the Balanchine
get approval from the Balanchine
get approval from the Balanchine foundation because apparently I was
foundation because apparently I was
foundation because apparently I was dangerously too short to play the role
dangerously too short to play the role
dangerously too short to play the role it was just so frustrating I convinced
it was just so frustrating I convinced
it was just so frustrating I convinced myself at that point that if I became
myself at that point that if I became
myself at that point that if I became perfect maybe they would stop talking
perfect maybe they would stop talking
perfect maybe they would stop talking about my body and so I got to work I
about my body and so I got to work I
about my body and so I got to work I made as much space as possible to get
made as much space as possible to get
made as much space as possible to get better I sacrificed friends and food
better I sacrificed friends and food
better I sacrificed friends and food family everything I tried my best not to
family everything I tried my best not to
family everything I tried my best not to listen to the critics teachers and
listen to the critics teachers and
listen to the critics teachers and professionals who reminded me daily in
professionals who reminded me daily in
professionals who reminded me daily in print and to my face that I was too
print and to my face that I was too
print and to my face that I was too short fat thick squat robust and way too
short fat thick squat robust and way too
short fat thick squat robust and way too chunky it was really hard to ignore
chunky it was really hard to ignore
chunky it was really hard to ignore though when I was compared to a fireplug
though when I was compared to a fireplug
though when I was compared to a fireplug on three separate occasions like what
on three separate occasions like what
on three separate occasions like what are the chances if everybody’s thinking
are the chances if everybody’s thinking
are the chances if everybody’s thinking it right one critic wrote a plump smooth
it right one critic wrote a plump smooth
it right one critic wrote a plump smooth score in virtuoso to compact and balled
score in virtuoso to compact and balled
score in virtuoso to compact and balled to be a prince so apparently there was a
to be a prince so apparently there was a
to be a prince so apparently there was a requirement though he can do all the
requirement though he can do all the
requirement though he can do all the steps and more I was the best worst body
steps and more I was the best worst body
steps and more I was the best worst body onstage the penultimate blow for me came
onstage the penultimate blow for me came
onstage the penultimate blow for me came when an international dance magazine
when an international dance magazine
when an international dance magazine selected me for a feature article and
selected me for a feature article and
selected me for a feature article and the title of the article was unorthodox
the title of the article was unorthodox
the title of the article was unorthodox bodies and it more or less highlighted a
bodies and it more or less highlighted a
bodies and it more or less highlighted a dancer who shouldn’t but still does I
dancer who shouldn’t but still does I
dancer who shouldn’t but still does I felt like I belonged on a Coney Island
felt like I belonged on a Coney Island
felt like I belonged on a Coney Island sideshow more than I did on a stage and
sideshow more than I did on a stage and
sideshow more than I did on a stage and it turns out all of my effort to improve
it turns out all of my effort to improve
it turns out all of my effort to improve my skill only drew more attention to my
my skill only drew more attention to my
my skill only drew more attention to my appearance so it wasn’t that I’d failed
appearance so it wasn’t that I’d failed
appearance so it wasn’t that I’d failed but it was that the food was me so
but it was that the food was me so
but it was that the food was me so imagine for a moment that you find your
imagine for a moment that you find your
imagine for a moment that you find your calling this magical place where nature
calling this magical place where nature
calling this magical place where nature and nurture align when I was dancing I
and nurture align when I was dancing I
and nurture align when I was dancing I was oblivious to my past to who I been
was oblivious to my past to who I been
was oblivious to my past to who I been or who I was supposed to be
or who I was supposed to be
or who I was supposed to be I was unconcerned with my future and
I was unconcerned with my future and
I was unconcerned with my future and what was expected I didn’t care when I
what was expected I didn’t care when I
what was expected I didn’t care when I was dancing I was perfectly present and
was dancing I was perfectly present and
was dancing I was perfectly present and precisely me and when I was dancing I
precisely me and when I was dancing I
precisely me and when I was dancing I was beautiful but now imagine that this
was beautiful but now imagine that this
was beautiful but now imagine that this place where life just makes sense
place where life just makes sense
place where life just makes sense becomes radioactive and the longer you
becomes radioactive and the longer you
becomes radioactive and the longer you stay the sicker you become what do you
stay the sicker you become what do you
stay the sicker you become what do you do do you quit or do you get sick I mean
do do you quit or do you get sick I mean
do do you quit or do you get sick I mean both of them were a horrible punishment
both of them were a horrible punishment
both of them were a horrible punishment and I felt like to make this decision I
and I felt like to make this decision I
and I felt like to make this decision I needed objectivity so I went to my
needed objectivity so I went to my
needed objectivity so I went to my journal and I mapped all of the critical
journal and I mapped all of the critical
journal and I mapped all of the critical points in my career using elevation to
points in my career using elevation to
points in my career using elevation to determine their value and then I
determine their value and then I
determine their value and then I color-coded them by catalyst deciding
color-coded them by catalyst deciding
color-coded them by catalyst deciding what made the event happen if it was
what made the event happen if it was
what made the event happen if it was because of me wrong button me because of
because of me wrong button me because of
because of me wrong button me because of others or because of chance and what
others or because of chance and what
others or because of chance and what surprised me is that as attacked as I
surprised me is that as attacked as I
surprised me is that as attacked as I felt people were only there to make my
felt people were only there to make my
felt people were only there to make my life better and that every time chance
life better and that every time chance
life better and that every time chance tore me down I was the one who stood
tore me down I was the one who stood
tore me down I was the one who stood back up and in all of the best parts of
back up and in all of the best parts of
back up and in all of the best parts of my career they happened because I said
my career they happened because I said
my career they happened because I said yes I wasn’t a victim of circumstance
yes I wasn’t a victim of circumstance
yes I wasn’t a victim of circumstance I was the driver in my life and in this
I was the driver in my life and in this
I was the driver in my life and in this moment of clarity I on a Hail Mary pass
moment of clarity I on a Hail Mary pass
moment of clarity I on a Hail Mary pass audition for Twyla Tharp and she hired
audition for Twyla Tharp and she hired
audition for Twyla Tharp and she hired me on the spot to this day it’s one of
me on the spot to this day it’s one of
me on the spot to this day it’s one of two times in my career that I was hired
two times in my career that I was hired
two times in my career that I was hired for me not through friends of friends
for me not through friends of friends
for me not through friends of friends and not through chance insight fully
and not through chance insight fully
and not through chance insight fully seamed
seamed
seamed dancing with her was paradise an
dancing with her was paradise an
dancing with her was paradise an artistic incubation and within months
artistic incubation and within months
artistic incubation and within months the year
the year
the year Kian Critics Choice Awards voted me best
Kian Critics Choice Awards voted me best
Kian Critics Choice Awards voted me best male dancer of the year I was thrilled
male dancer of the year I was thrilled
male dancer of the year I was thrilled and I wondered if now that spell had
and I wondered if now that spell had
and I wondered if now that spell had been broken I’d finally been untethered
been broken I’d finally been untethered
been broken I’d finally been untethered from the nightmare of my body and a few
from the nightmare of my body and a few
from the nightmare of my body and a few months later I got my answer I was being
months later I got my answer I was being
months later I got my answer I was being considered for the leading role in her
considered for the leading role in her
considered for the leading role in her Broadway show about the Vietnam War and
Broadway show about the Vietnam War and
Broadway show about the Vietnam War and while I had her full support I learned
while I had her full support I learned
while I had her full support I learned that some of the producers colleagues
that some of the producers colleagues
that some of the producers colleagues and even best friends were convinced
and even best friends were convinced
and even best friends were convinced that my short fat bald body couldn’t
that my short fat bald body couldn’t
that my short fat bald body couldn’t portray the masculine heartthrob that
portray the masculine heartthrob that
portray the masculine heartthrob that their role needed my body was
their role needed my body was
their role needed my body was insufferable flat honest I felt like I
insufferable flat honest I felt like I
insufferable flat honest I felt like I was living in a horror movie and my body
was living in a horror movie and my body
was living in a horror movie and my body was the bad guy and no matter what I did
was the bad guy and no matter what I did
was the bad guy and no matter what I did I just kept coming back well as a kid I
I just kept coming back well as a kid I
I just kept coming back well as a kid I played this game and it was usually know
played this game and it was usually know
played this game and it was usually know seated in the mezzanine looking out at
seated in the mezzanine looking out at
seated in the mezzanine looking out at the audience below so for a brief moment
the audience below so for a brief moment
the audience below so for a brief moment everybody please close your eyes and
everybody please close your eyes and
everybody please close your eyes and imagine a snowstorm so thick that your
imagine a snowstorm so thick that your
imagine a snowstorm so thick that your vision becomes this depthless field of
vision becomes this depthless field of
vision becomes this depthless field of white and when all you can see is that
white and when all you can see is that
white and when all you can see is that white I’d like you to notice what stands
white I’d like you to notice what stands
white I’d like you to notice what stands out in this photo when you now open your
out in this photo when you now open your
out in this photo when you now open your eyes okay one more time close your eyes
eyes okay one more time close your eyes
eyes okay one more time close your eyes but this time once your eyes are shut
but this time once your eyes are shut
but this time once your eyes are shut paint that white wall with crimson red
paint that white wall with crimson red
paint that white wall with crimson red and when all you can see is red TEDx red
and when all you can see is red TEDx red
and when all you can see is red TEDx red notice what stands out now when you open
notice what stands out now when you open
notice what stands out now when you open your eyes this was a silly little game I
your eyes this was a silly little game I
your eyes this was a silly little game I played with myself but what it showed me
played with myself but what it showed me
played with myself but what it showed me was that we see in life kind of what
was that we see in life kind of what
was that we see in life kind of what we’re looking for and so if I wanted to
we’re looking for and so if I wanted to
we’re looking for and so if I wanted to be a heartthrob I just needed to change
be a heartthrob I just needed to change
be a heartthrob I just needed to change how they saw me now as I saw it I could
how they saw me now as I saw it I could
how they saw me now as I saw it I could do nothing and if I succeeded I’d be
do nothing and if I succeeded I’d be
do nothing and if I succeeded I’d be lucky until luck ran out and then I’d be
lucky until luck ran out and then I’d be
lucky until luck ran out and then I’d be a victim of circumstance if I did
a victim of circumstance if I did
a victim of circumstance if I did something and succeeded why I’d be a
something and succeeded why I’d be a
something and succeeded why I’d be a heartthrob my body would no longer
heartthrob my body would no longer
heartthrob my body would no longer matter but if I failed I alone would be
matter but if I failed I alone would be
matter but if I failed I alone would be to blame and unlike losing from inaction
to blame and unlike losing from inaction
to blame and unlike losing from inaction losing from action this is like an
losing from action this is like an
losing from action this is like an assault on your personal worth and I
assault on your personal worth and I
assault on your personal worth and I believe that it’s this fear of failure
believe that it’s this fear of failure
believe that it’s this fear of failure that leads us to believe doing nothing
that leads us to believe doing nothing
that leads us to believe doing nothing is actually our best option hoping that
is actually our best option hoping that
is actually our best option hoping that luck will get you where you need to go I
luck will get you where you need to go I
luck will get you where you need to go I think that luck is lonely like a
think that luck is lonely like a
think that luck is lonely like a one-night stand
one-night stand
one-night stand while skill provides the benefits of a
while skill provides the benefits of a
while skill provides the benefits of a long-term commitment and I’m the
long-term commitment and I’m the
long-term commitment and I’m the marrying type so I knew in that moment
marrying type so I knew in that moment
marrying type so I knew in that moment that I needed to turn chance into choice
that I needed to turn chance into choice
that I needed to turn chance into choice problem solved
problem solved
problem solved and mom says solving the problem is the
and mom says solving the problem is the
and mom says solving the problem is the hard part everything thereafter is just
hard part everything thereafter is just
hard part everything thereafter is just effort but I’ve noticed this trend among
effort but I’ve noticed this trend among
effort but I’ve noticed this trend among people how we kind of think that life is
people how we kind of think that life is
people how we kind of think that life is meant to just happen as it just
meant to just happen as it just
meant to just happen as it just magically comes together and I call this
magically comes together and I call this
magically comes together and I call this our double OTD syndrome or right out of
our double OTD syndrome or right out of
our double OTD syndrome or right out of the box like an iPhone that comes
the box like an iPhone that comes
the box like an iPhone that comes charged with enough juice for immediate
charged with enough juice for immediate
charged with enough juice for immediate use and all of your personal needs met
use and all of your personal needs met
use and all of your personal needs met we expect the perfect relationship right
we expect the perfect relationship right
we expect the perfect relationship right out of the box the perfect job right out
out of the box the perfect job right out
out of the box the perfect job right out of the box but if you’re part of the
of the box but if you’re part of the
of the box but if you’re part of the population that’s living then you know
population that’s living then you know
population that’s living then you know that this isn’t how life works that
that this isn’t how life works that
that this isn’t how life works that momentum alone is not enough to get you
momentum alone is not enough to get you
momentum alone is not enough to get you where you’re going life like dance needs
where you’re going life like dance needs
where you’re going life like dance needs effort and when effort fails when effort
effort and when effort fails when effort
effort and when effort fails when effort stops your potential for growth halts
stops your potential for growth halts
stops your potential for growth halts and if I allowed myself to think this
and if I allowed myself to think this
and if I allowed myself to think this way then I definitely would be too short
way then I definitely would be too short
way then I definitely would be too short fat and bald to play this part I needed
fat and bald to play this part I needed
fat and bald to play this part I needed to turn my dead-end into a doorway no
to turn my dead-end into a doorway no
to turn my dead-end into a doorway no there we go in dance we count a basic
there we go in dance we count a basic
there we go in dance we count a basic phrase 1 & 2 & 3 & 4 and generally the
phrase 1 & 2 & 3 & 4 and generally the
phrase 1 & 2 & 3 & 4 and generally the first step happens on count 1 and with
first step happens on count 1 and with
first step happens on count 1 and with count 1 judgment begins but in order to
count 1 judgment begins but in order to
count 1 judgment begins but in order to get to count 1 requires having been
get to count 1 requires having been
get to count 1 requires having been someplace moments prior like counting 0
someplace moments prior like counting 0
someplace moments prior like counting 0 and in this space between 0 & 1
and in this space between 0 & 1
and in this space between 0 & 1 before everything exists
before everything exists
before everything exists anything is possible and this was my
anything is possible and this was my
anything is possible and this was my secret watering hole in this space
secret watering hole in this space
secret watering hole in this space between zero and one every complaint
between zero and one every complaint
between zero and one every complaint finishes with so I’m too short so stand
finishes with so I’m too short so stand
finishes with so I’m too short so stand taller jump higher learning visual
taller jump higher learning visual
taller jump higher learning visual foreshortening
foreshortening
foreshortening yeah but I’m too fat so watch what you
yeah but I’m too fat so watch what you
yeah but I’m too fat so watch what you eat and contour your longest leanest
eat and contour your longest leanest
eat and contour your longest leanest limes well but I’m too bald they said it
limes well but I’m too bald they said it
limes well but I’m too bald they said it so I just try Rogaine in this space
so I just try Rogaine in this space
so I just try Rogaine in this space between zero and one creativity effort
between zero and one creativity effort
between zero and one creativity effort and responsibility thrive there’s no
and responsibility thrive there’s no
and responsibility thrive there’s no winning or losing and certainly no blame
winning or losing and certainly no blame
winning or losing and certainly no blame or credit denial or excuse so every
or credit denial or excuse so every
or credit denial or excuse so every rehearsal I dove into this space between
rehearsal I dove into this space between
rehearsal I dove into this space between zero and one and I let my first attempt
zero and one and I let my first attempt
zero and one and I let my first attempt just start the conversation it was
just start the conversation it was
just start the conversation it was neither good nor bad it just was and
neither good nor bad it just was and
neither good nor bad it just was and then I did it again
then I did it again
then I did it again and now I had a point of comparison
and now I had a point of comparison
and now I had a point of comparison better and worse likely less likely and
better and worse likely less likely and
better and worse likely less likely and I do this again and again and again and
I do this again and again and again and
I do this again and again and again and again I did this for every step
again I did this for every step
again I did this for every step valuating angles and speed quality and
valuating angles and speed quality and
valuating angles and speed quality and emotion until I had the most holistic
emotion until I had the most holistic
emotion until I had the most holistic understanding of what was possible and
understanding of what was possible and
understanding of what was possible and what surprised me was in doing this I
what surprised me was in doing this I
what surprised me was in doing this I was actually learning what was most and
was actually learning what was most and
was actually learning what was most and least likely to happen I was developing
least likely to happen I was developing
least likely to happen I was developing an ability to predict I was turning
an ability to predict I was turning
an ability to predict I was turning chance into choice as prepared as I
chance into choice as prepared as I
chance into choice as prepared as I could be moments before my debut I got
could be moments before my debut I got
could be moments before my debut I got down to the stage and I thought about my
down to the stage and I thought about my
down to the stage and I thought about my brother and how he tells me to go big or
brother and how he tells me to go big or
brother and how he tells me to go big or go home
go home
go home I was like Chuck I said to myself you’re
I was like Chuck I said to myself you’re
I was like Chuck I said to myself you’re still short and thick but like strong
still short and thick but like strong
still short and thick but like strong and I think the Rogaine is actually
and I think the Rogaine is actually
and I think the Rogaine is actually making it worse
making it worse
making it worse and it was so you can go out there and
and it was so you can go out there and
and it was so you can go out there and be a short fat bald man who dances apart
be a short fat bald man who dances apart
be a short fat bald man who dances apart or you can be the shortest fattest
or you can be the shortest fattest
or you can be the shortest fattest boldest heartthrob who has ever lit up a
boldest heartthrob who has ever lit up a
boldest heartthrob who has ever lit up a stage and it was right there my entire
stage and it was right there my entire
stage and it was right there my entire career I stood out too much to fit in
career I stood out too much to fit in
career I stood out too much to fit in and that whole time I was the one who
and that whole time I was the one who
and that whole time I was the one who couldn’t accept that short fat and bald
couldn’t accept that short fat and bald
couldn’t accept that short fat and bald could be the next best thing on the
could be the next best thing on the
could be the next best thing on the block in that moment that what I needed
block in that moment that what I needed
block in that moment that what I needed to change was not how they saw me I
to change was not how they saw me I
to change was not how they saw me I needed to change how I saw myself and
needed to change how I saw myself and
needed to change how I saw myself and with that levity I realized that all
with that levity I realized that all
with that levity I realized that all that was left to do was go out on that
that was left to do was go out on that
that was left to do was go out on that stage and fail to the very best of my
stage and fail to the very best of my
stage and fail to the very best of my ability and I did I was the shortest
ability and I did I was the shortest
ability and I did I was the shortest dancer on that stage who jumped as high
dancer on that stage who jumped as high
dancer on that stage who jumped as high as the tallest and I was the thickest
as the tallest and I was the thickest
as the tallest and I was the thickest dancer on that stage who moved lighter
dancer on that stage who moved lighter
dancer on that stage who moved lighter than the rest and I dazzled that
than the rest and I dazzled that
than the rest and I dazzled that audience with vemma active bald head
audience with vemma active bald head
audience with vemma active bald head that Broadway had ever seen it it was
that Broadway had ever seen it it was
that Broadway had ever seen it it was the most spectacular failure of my life
the most spectacular failure of my life
the most spectacular failure of my life and I didn’t do it to prove a point to
and I didn’t do it to prove a point to
and I didn’t do it to prove a point to producers or critics I just focused on
producers or critics I just focused on
producers or critics I just focused on turning chance into choice on turning
turning chance into choice on turning
turning chance into choice on turning luck into skill and I had the pleasure
luck into skill and I had the pleasure
luck into skill and I had the pleasure of repeating that performance for
of repeating that performance for
of repeating that performance for another year of my life many times a
another year of my life many times a
another year of my life many times a week finally with self-acceptance and
week finally with self-acceptance and
week finally with self-acceptance and humility and honesty short and chunky
humility and honesty short and chunky
humility and honesty short and chunky they wrote wait they’re short and chunky
they wrote wait they’re short and chunky
they wrote wait they’re short and chunky he’s a monster turner with impressive
he’s a monster turner with impressive
he’s a monster turner with impressive acrobatic breakdancing one of the
acrobatic breakdancing one of the
acrobatic breakdancing one of the wonders of the ballet world built like a
wonders of the ballet world built like a
wonders of the ballet world built like a bulldog and yet able to create clear
bulldog and yet able to create clear
bulldog and yet able to create clear lines his lack of inhibition belies his
lines his lack of inhibition belies his
lines his lack of inhibition belies his unorthodox ballet frame there’s that
unorthodox ballet frame there’s that
unorthodox ballet frame there’s that again Orthodox but at this point it
again Orthodox but at this point it
again Orthodox but at this point it didn’t matter I mean this was like of a
didn’t matter I mean this was like of a
didn’t matter I mean this was like of a sequel to that horror film franchise
sequel to that horror film franchise
sequel to that horror film franchise that comes back like 15 years after the
that comes back like 15 years after the
that comes back like 15 years after the original it didn’t matter I learned too
original it didn’t matter I learned too
original it didn’t matter I learned too much from dance at this point that
much from dance at this point that
much from dance at this point that living is physical learning is actually
living is physical learning is actually
living is physical learning is actually painful and limits don’t exist that
painful and limits don’t exist that
painful and limits don’t exist that kindness matters practice will pay off
kindness matters practice will pay off
kindness matters practice will pay off and an honest passion is always rewarded
and an honest passion is always rewarded
and an honest passion is always rewarded and I learned to be vulnerable that why
and I learned to be vulnerable that why
and I learned to be vulnerable that why isn’t it changing there we go
isn’t it changing there we go
isn’t it changing there we go to be vulnerable that discipline will
to be vulnerable that discipline will
to be vulnerable that discipline will always overcome when determination
always overcome when determination
always overcome when determination wavers and that your body will speak
wavers and that your body will speak
wavers and that your body will speak truths that no words will ever express
truths that no words will ever express
truths that no words will ever express but more than anything dance taught me
but more than anything dance taught me
but more than anything dance taught me that failure is a rainstorm thank you
that failure is a rainstorm thank you
that failure is a rainstorm thank you the sooner you let yourself get wet
the sooner you let yourself get wet
the sooner you let yourself get wet though quicker you realize how fun it is
though quicker you realize how fun it is
though quicker you realize how fun it is to skip through the puddles dance in the
to skip through the puddles dance in the
to skip through the puddles dance in the street and feel the cold rain on your
street and feel the cold rain on your
street and feel the cold rain on your face you remember how harmless water is
face you remember how harmless water is
face you remember how harmless water is and so I ask you to go to that place
and so I ask you to go to that place
and so I ask you to go to that place between zero and one or potential and
between zero and one or potential and
between zero and one or potential and possibility thrive and then dive in
possibility thrive and then dive in
possibility thrive and then dive in headfirst and see what you get from
headfirst and see what you get from
headfirst and see what you get from natural talent and a will to survive in
natural talent and a will to survive in
natural talent and a will to survive in my entire career I think my proudest
my entire career I think my proudest
my entire career I think my proudest achievement happened unexpectedly on a
achievement happened unexpectedly on a
achievement happened unexpectedly on a walk on 10th Avenue in New York a
walk on 10th Avenue in New York a
walk on 10th Avenue in New York a stranger in his 70s stopped me on the
stranger in his 70s stopped me on the
stranger in his 70s stopped me on the street he was a Vietnam vet and after he
street he was a Vietnam vet and after he
street he was a Vietnam vet and after he stared at me for a moment he just asked
stared at me for a moment he just asked
stared at me for a moment he just asked are you the guy who did that dance about
are you the guy who did that dance about
are you the guy who did that dance about the war and I said yes he paused a
the war and I said yes he paused a
the war and I said yes he paused a moment and then his eyes started to
moment and then his eyes started to
moment and then his eyes started to water he grabbed my hand and he just
water he grabbed my hand and he just
water he grabbed my hand and he just said thank you for setting me free and I
said thank you for setting me free and I
said thank you for setting me free and I realized at that moment I’d accidentally
realized at that moment I’d accidentally
realized at that moment I’d accidentally bumped into the only critic that
bumped into the only critic that
bumped into the only critic that mattered
mattered
mattered and he didn’t say anything about my body
so often we trap ourselves under silly
so often we trap ourselves under silly expectations of whom we were meant to be
expectations of whom we were meant to be
expectations of whom we were meant to be and where we are allowed to go we become
and where we are allowed to go we become
and where we are allowed to go we become too afraid to fail and we end up in a
too afraid to fail and we end up in a
too afraid to fail and we end up in a dead-end well I think in that moment
dead-end well I think in that moment
dead-end well I think in that moment I’ve learned that all of my
I’ve learned that all of my
I’ve learned that all of my accomplishments were not because I know
accomplishments were not because I know
accomplishments were not because I know in spite of my short fat bald body they
in spite of my short fat bald body they
in spite of my short fat bald body they were because of it because it has
were because of it because it has
were because of it because it has allowed me to say what I think needs to
allowed me to say what I think needs to
allowed me to say what I think needs to be said that failure only exists when
be said that failure only exists when
be said that failure only exists when you let it thank you
you let it thank you
you let it thank you [Applause]
”
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