If we have a history,
I want to start by telling you a memoir from the past.
I am 7 years old, I live in İzmir with my family.
My parents are very protective.
But we live in such a safe neighborhood,
when I come home from school they are allowed to play with other children on the street.
My pseudo-kids are either riding bicycles,
either he is jumping rope, or he is playing the ball.
But there is a child,
Eren is 5-6 years older than me.
He has long hair, graffiti, just returned from America.
I mean, she definitely turned around.
She skates, the moon is so cool!
I want to be like him.
Skating is slippery and cool.
My parents do not end up insisting
They are taking me a pair of skates.
Also a helmet that is not cool at all, an elbow, knee.
I mean to say that you are missing an ABS, an air pillow and a cane.
But Eren has none of these.
Either because he is very “cool”.
That’s why I’m leaving home full-time,
but I leave it with my helmet, my elbow, my knee and so on.
I came back from school one day,
There is a very nice spring air, İzmir knows that air.
I’m on the road, after the street
I slip on my head at the end.
There is no Eren on that day.
And yet, he must see me, because
I come to the conviction, I skate both,
as well as very cool.
No knee.
Anyway, but not in the middle.
I realize that it has already started to air.
I need to come home.
I’m holding your house fast.
At that time there were glass deminers,
Maybe there are those who remember you.
He landed in front of our apartment
to collect when the bottles are empty.
I could not see Eren either,
as well as the fuss about being late for home,
I see the glass damacas
I can not step on the train, I can not slow down, I can not stop myself
I fall on 6-7 liters of glass damacers.
I would have experienced a sudden shock,
When I come to myself, I look at a body like this
my hands, my arms, my legs are in broken glass.
The bottles are shattered.
Of course I also dream of becoming friends with Eren.
I am in blood, so I tremble
my teeth are drowning in fear.
At that moment, there was a brother-in-law, Hasan,
He is running towards me, so beating up
“Oh, Zeynep n?
I say “my mother,” I look up.
Because at that moment I want my only mother.
It’s not the tombic Hasan brother.
Hussain me hugging the brother, putting on the lion,
we are sitting on the fourth floor.
We are coming to the fourth kata, the bride is pushing Hasan brother.
My mother opens the door, she sees me in the face.
“Ah Zeynep, what have you done?” says.
“Yavrum, are you okay?” It does not.
“Do not worry, my child, we go to the hospital immediately”
It does not.
“My daughter is not a problem, I’m sure Eren has not seen you already”
even does not.
“Ah Zeynep, what have you done?” says.
I mean, I feel like I’ve fallen on those bottles.
At that moment, the mind will be so etched,
I am now 29 years old, 20 years old
when i will perceive it as a mistake i do something
when my enemy is shattered and scattered,
a very familiar voice comes out of my mind
“Ah Zeynep, what have you done?” says.
I wonder.
Is there a similar sound in your mind?
Hani, when you make a mistake, when you fail in a matter,
criticizing you mercilessly, judging,
those who hold you responsible for what happened, you are lazy,
you are weak, you are weak, you are weak, or
you are not weak enough, you are nice enough, smart enough,
telling you that you are not like them enough
Is there a sound?
Because if you do, you know.
No sound on earth, that sesten
it is not more cruel.
Except man, when no living beings suffer
she does not get angry.
He can not humiliate himself in fear.
When something is not going well,
He does not blame himself and punish himself.
Here are some of your own compassion
especially that critical domestic sesten in our minds.
What good is tenderness?
Self-affection, very simply
someone who loves and values for himself
to act in the same way.
The person himself, especially in difficult situations,
in cases of pain, understanding, acceptance,
it means giving affection.
But, unfortunately, self-affection is often foreign.
Because unfortunately we are not plural,
scare, punish, criticize
we grow up in very often used environments.
For example, here we are 2 thousand people,
how to change your behavior when you are a child
were you motivated by fear?
“I will not give you food again if the food on that plate is not exhausted!”
“Nets in the back!”
For me it was horrible, the food was crying, like …
Or avoid, you do not have control
You are embarrassed by your emotions and thoughts?
“My child, where does it come from, such ridiculous thoughts? Think!”
“Do not be afraid, my son, what is there to be afraid of?”
Does it sound familiar?
As our parents tell us this way,
so we start talking to ourselves like this.
Children learn at the same time by observing.
You do not have to be directly criticized.
If there is someone who often criticizes himself in the environment in which he grew up,
you can copy his behavior by observing it.
See, the cult has a very important share.
I do not want to jump, let’s hear the proverbs.
In this geography, “Do not beat her daughter, beat her knee”
There is a saying.
In this proverb, it is worthy to say:
One day tomorrow your son will make a mistake and feel sorry,
you are very sorry.
Now that such a good intentions,
but it can be summed up in such a terrible way.
So either we beat someone we love or we beat ourselves.
Because there is no other way you can take lessons from our cousins.
Come on, we understand their origins.
What is the purpose of this aggressive, punitive, judgmental inner voice?
What is he trying to do?
For example, when my mother saw me suffering like that
Why did he give me such a hard reaction?
Because you do not love me?
No.
Look, he’s sitting somewhere somewhere, I do not see much
there is no one in this world who loves me more than that woman.
Well, do you want me to suffer no more?
No.
“Zeynep, my mind has come out of the place and I see you in my presence”
he said to me after many years on this event.
And I see you have not got your helmet.
My child, what if something worse happened?
What did I do then?
Mommy was scared.
And he invited me to be more cautious.
He was trying to protect me.
And he did it the only way he knew.
Frustrated, scared, blaming.
Here, the critical inner voice within us is the same.
Trying to protect us.
To keep us safe and alive.
Because he’s scared too.
We make mistakes, failures, alone,
afraid of suffering.
He wants me to be punished,
Let ‘s not make the same mistake again.
I’m afraid we should be more cautious again.
Let’s not live the same pain again.
Before everyone, our woes, our minions
he finds that we are not so unprepared to get caught,
our soul is so easy to burn.
That’s why I feel more compassion for myself
I am burned to learn that I will behave,
One side also showed resistance to the self-chief.
Because I was afraid I would make a mistake if I showed myself compassion.
Moreover, I was afraid that the mistakes I made were not in my grasp.
I was afraid I’d be a lazy person.
As a very inclined person to postpone anyway
how can i motivate myself
If I act with compassion for myself?
I do not know how I got here, maybe it’s not a dirty place.
If I was successful,
I thought I owed him critical sincerity inside him.
When I show such a great resistance
I noticed it at the first self-help workshop I attended.
After the theoretical training is over
our group leader suggested closing the day with a meditation event.
We all went to a comfortable position, closed our eyes,
These are the classical things.
After that we all go into a comfortable position and close our eyes
towards the second third minute of meditation
the group leader had the following directive:
now if it’s for you
Take a hand and place the prairie gently on your heart.
Haydaa …
Behold …
Did you get my critically acclaimed beard eline.
How about a joke?
Hani, is not it something you will not do?
Either your friends teach, they write articles,
they are doing research, they will become professors for a while.
What are you doing here? What are you doing?
I open one of my closed eyes, I look around.
Everyone has put the mu mu hand on top of the heart.
Except me.
Someone’s eyes are getting old.
But, not possible, my elimination is so eccentric to be on my heart.
Did you start this time, you can not even do anything so simple.
I can not believe you’re in pitiful condition.
I have already gone so far into that inner dialogue,
but I came to myself by playing the meditation bell.
Then as everyone starts to recover slowly,
I went to the group leader, introduced myself.
I said, look at my teacher, do not get me wrong
this is the last exercise we did
Obviously it came to such absurd, funny.
I’m looking for something more scientific.
That’s why I can not do things like that on my heart.
With such a very warm smile on my face,
“You are reacting very naturally,” he said.
“Because you’re trying something that you’re not used to”
And then, as I understand better than ever
and said something else that I intend to remind myself often
“But” he said, “Something that is funny or absurd to your mind
you can come to your body better, give it another chance. “
I returned home that evening.
Given to us on our own
meditation CD, my computer, open yoga marmi,
i sat in the middle, i closed my eyes and
with all my criticism of my mind, curiously
what will happen together, I will take it away and
I put it on my heart to the frivolity.
The intense exercise continues as follows:
Now suppose,
the hand on your heart, not you
belong to another.
It belongs to someone who is understanding, sensitive, wise, compassionate.
How much you are sad, how scared you are,
It belongs to someone who knows how worried you are.
It belongs to someone who does not want you to suffer anymore.
It belongs to someone who wants you to be good, safe.
Whatever you have done, with all your faults,
along with all your flaws,
more of a loving one.
Now that the owner of the hand,
While this is a difficult moment for your partnership,
what would you tell me?
Right now, what do you need to hear?
The house is miles away from where I know it,
I am alone in New York, in the middle of my tiny living room
I started crying on a purple yoga mat.
I have a soft voice in me
“I’m with you.”
“It will pass, you are doing your best.”
After that day, I gather the spirits
I have not settled in India, I have not become vegan,
I did not sit down under a tree and meditate on half of the day.
Because I can not reach the nirvan I’m looking for.
But after that day, something changed.
Because I took it that day and put it on my heart
and things that I would never normally say to myself
for months, maybe for years I want to hear from others
I whispered in my ear
and it opened my heart.
This caused a physiological reaction.
It had to be a scientific explanation.
And after that day I,
Thanks to psychologists Paul Gilbert and Kristin Neff,
I started to investigate the scientific direction of self-interest.
Well, our mind is not designed for happiness.
Our mind is designed to keep us alive.
And there are two mechanisms that keep us alive.
The first of these: the threat and defense mechanism.
This mechanism is not dangerous
or when we are left alone with the threat.
For example, if you have a car that
when you hear the sound of the horn.
And there are some changes in our bodies.
Our sympathetic nervous system goes into effect,
our bodies begin to secrete adrenaline and cortisol hormones,
our heart rate is accelerated, our respiration is accelerated, our muscles are stretched,
there are also some changes in our minds at the same time.
The reasoning orphans are spoiled,
our awareness area narrows.
All these changes, we have seen as a threat to the thing
ready to fight or escape from it.
However, this mechanism is only a physical attack
When we face it, it does not come into play.
Our threatening and defensive mechanism, with an emotional attack
When we face it, it goes into effect.
And when we criticize ourselves mercilessly,
When we speak to ourselves mercilessly,
it is an emotional attack on ourselves.
The second mechanism that keeps us alive,
in all mammals, in all mammals, including humans
appeasement and care.
Mammal babies need care when they are born
and needing the most care to survive
The mammal species is also humans.
And, much more than our milk
we need to survive.
We need bonds, warmth, basics.
Mammalian parents try to connect with their babies,
programmed to appease them
and the sweetest thing about it
mammals babies to feel safe
They are programmed to connect with their parents.
When this system is active
our sympathetic nervous system is disabled,
our parasympathetic system goes into effect.
Our body starts releasing a hormone called oxytocin,
This hormone, when someone you love hugs you
hormone you secrete.
Your heartbeat slows down, your breathing slows,
our muscles are loose, we can look at events from a wider perspective.
Because we have calmed down now.
When we criticize ourselves mercilessly,
our mechanism of threat and defense goes into effect.
If we are affectionately approaching ourselves,
maintenance and relief mechanism.
There are three things in the door of the care and sedation mechanism:
– See this good news, because if you have your mind
If you show resistance in my companionship like mine,
you can use these three things to take your body to tenderness-
a gentle touch,
physical temperature,
a soft tone of voice.
That kind of compassionate hand exercise is for me
so it was so strong.
Because that’s three things I count
the three of them were together.
My appealing and caring acted on my mechanics.
I mean, who’s the one who said those words now?
She’s giving me that tenderness, understanding?
That was my companion.
We know much better than we thought to give compassion.
When a loved one suffers, what should we say to him?
We know how good it is to approach him.
We can use these resources for ourselves as well.
If you want to give yourself a chance, too,
when an additional visit to the painful visit,
to escape from it, to try to transform it
or instead of angry at yourself for your suffering,
maybe take advantage of these three things,
take your hand over your heart, turn your pain in your face,
“How can I help myself now?”
you can ask.
This question is as soft as it is, brave at the same time.
Because accepting the existence of pain,
to act with him,
it requires courage.
Self-affection is both courtesy and courage.
Self-affection, everybody’s suffering,
In this life where pain is inevitable,
to support ourselves,
to keep it on its own.
That is why self-affection,
both an idea to share and an idea that is worth luck.
Thank you so much.
(Applause)
”
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