have you ever been to a funeral have you ever been to a child’s funeral march 8th
ever been to a child’s funeral march 8th
ever been to a child’s funeral march 8th of this year I had the unfortunate
of this year I had the unfortunate
of this year I had the unfortunate opportunity of experiencing one of the
opportunity of experiencing one of the
opportunity of experiencing one of the most heartbreaking physically demanding
most heartbreaking physically demanding
most heartbreaking physically demanding and inspiring trials a woman could ever
and inspiring trials a woman could ever
and inspiring trials a woman could ever go through I gave birth to my firstborn
go through I gave birth to my firstborn
go through I gave birth to my firstborn baby boy named Walter Thomas Butterworth
baby boy named Walter Thomas Butterworth
baby boy named Walter Thomas Butterworth he was perfect in every way he had lots
he was perfect in every way he had lots
he was perfect in every way he had lots of hair and this cute button nose and
of hair and this cute button nose and
of hair and this cute button nose and the smallest hands and feet that make
the smallest hands and feet that make
the smallest hands and feet that make you want to kiss them over and over
you want to kiss them over and over
you want to kiss them over and over again
again
again unlike other birth stories however
unlike other birth stories however
unlike other birth stories however Walter had trisomy 18 or Edwards
Walter had trisomy 18 or Edwards
Walter had trisomy 18 or Edwards syndrome a chromosomal disorder that
syndrome a chromosomal disorder that
syndrome a chromosomal disorder that causes many ailments because of an extra
causes many ailments because of an extra
causes many ailments because of an extra copy of chromosome 18 because of his
copy of chromosome 18 because of his
copy of chromosome 18 because of his condition he had a congenital
condition he had a congenital
condition he had a congenital diaphragmatic hernia that pushed his
diaphragmatic hernia that pushed his
diaphragmatic hernia that pushed his tiny heart so far to the right that has
tiny heart so far to the right that has
tiny heart so far to the right that has stopped beating in utero a week 17 my
stopped beating in utero a week 17 my
stopped beating in utero a week 17 my husband and I knew from doctor’s visits
husband and I knew from doctor’s visits
husband and I knew from doctor’s visits and ultrasounds that Walter’s life was
and ultrasounds that Walter’s life was
and ultrasounds that Walter’s life was going to be short all we wanted to do
going to be short all we wanted to do
going to be short all we wanted to do was share a small fragment of life with
was share a small fragment of life with
was share a small fragment of life with him an hour 15 minutes just one minute
and unfortunately we did not at 36 weeks
and unfortunately we did not at 36 weeks another doctor’s visit and another
another doctor’s visit and another
another doctor’s visit and another ultrasound in the worst sentence there’s
ultrasound in the worst sentence there’s
ultrasound in the worst sentence there’s no heartbeat
15 hours of labor later his silence when
15 hours of labor later his silence when he was born was piercing my husband sank
he was born was piercing my husband sank
he was born was piercing my husband sank to his knees next to my hospital room
to his knees next to my hospital room
to his knees next to my hospital room bed as we cried together as I held my
bed as we cried together as I held my
bed as we cried together as I held my lifeless little Walter through my
lifeless little Walter through my
lifeless little Walter through my longing and depression I asked myself
longing and depression I asked myself
longing and depression I asked myself why is it the other women and men are
why is it the other women and men are
why is it the other women and men are not talking about similar losses are
not talking about similar losses are
not talking about similar losses are they scared why am I scared
they scared why am I scared
they scared why am I scared and how can I turn this emptiness into
and how can I turn this emptiness into
and how can I turn this emptiness into something meaningful days after the
something meaningful days after the
something meaningful days after the memorial service were blur my husband
memorial service were blur my husband
memorial service were blur my husband and I were fortunate enough to have a
and I were fortunate enough to have a
and I were fortunate enough to have a service prearranged for Walter and a
service prearranged for Walter and a
service prearranged for Walter and a grave plot set aside so that he could
grave plot set aside so that he could
grave plot set aside so that he could sweetly rest next to his great-grandma
sweetly rest next to his great-grandma
sweetly rest next to his great-grandma sue I felt so empty inside physically
sue I felt so empty inside physically
sue I felt so empty inside physically and emotionally my capacity for
and emotionally my capacity for
and emotionally my capacity for happiness joy hope or even rest was shot
happiness joy hope or even rest was shot
happiness joy hope or even rest was shot it’s been most my day lying in bed with
it’s been most my day lying in bed with
it’s been most my day lying in bed with my eyes closed trying not to think about
my eyes closed trying not to think about
my eyes closed trying not to think about the loss ahead just occurred and when I
the loss ahead just occurred and when I
the loss ahead just occurred and when I was up and away call a yearn for was
was up and away call a yearn for was
was up and away call a yearn for was this warm little boy that cuddle him
this warm little boy that cuddle him
this warm little boy that cuddle him hold to fill the void that I felt inside
hold to fill the void that I felt inside
hold to fill the void that I felt inside I would spend lots of time in the tub in
I would spend lots of time in the tub in
I would spend lots of time in the tub in a warm soak or in a long shower trying
a warm soak or in a long shower trying
a warm soak or in a long shower trying to relieve some of the anxiety that I
to relieve some of the anxiety that I
to relieve some of the anxiety that I was feeling in my long showers I was
was feeling in my long showers I was
was feeling in my long showers I was able to formulate empty a series of
able to formulate empty a series of
able to formulate empty a series of portraits of people who have experienced
portraits of people who have experienced
portraits of people who have experienced child loss empty has enabled me to be
child loss empty has enabled me to be
child loss empty has enabled me to be more empathic and to be more authentic
more empathic and to be more authentic
more empathic and to be more authentic with myself it has created a platform
with myself it has created a platform
with myself it has created a platform for women and men to share their stories
for women and men to share their stories
for women and men to share their stories and experiences and has opened up a new
and experiences and has opened up a new
and experiences and has opened up a new perspective on what child loss looks
perspective on what child loss looks
perspective on what child loss looks like because there’s a stigma related to
like because there’s a stigma related to
like because there’s a stigma related to child loss our culture has turned a
child loss our culture has turned a
child loss our culture has turned a blind eye to this live trial many of our
blind eye to this live trial many of our
blind eye to this live trial many of our loved ones face my hope is that we can
loved ones face my hope is that we can
loved ones face my hope is that we can learn more about this so that we can
learn more about this so that we can
learn more about this so that we can learn to heal and learn how to help
learn to heal and learn how to help
learn to heal and learn how to help others heal by learning more about it I
knew from the start that I wanted to get
knew from the start that I wanted to get submissions of stories of people who had
submissions of stories of people who had
submissions of stories of people who had experienced child loss but I couldn’t
experienced child loss but I couldn’t
experienced child loss but I couldn’t just sit with a story as a photographer
just sit with a story as a photographer
just sit with a story as a photographer I naturally wanted to take images of
I naturally wanted to take images of
I naturally wanted to take images of what this pain looks and feels like yeah
what this pain looks and feels like yeah
what this pain looks and feels like yeah I couldn’t
I couldn’t
I couldn’t stop there before this experience before
stop there before this experience before
stop there before this experience before Walter I too was guilty of not talking
Walter I too was guilty of not talking
Walter I too was guilty of not talking about child loss when the topic surfaced
about child loss when the topic surfaced
about child loss when the topic surfaced I felt like I wasn’t qualified to talk
I felt like I wasn’t qualified to talk
I felt like I wasn’t qualified to talk about it because I had never experienced
about it because I had never experienced
about it because I had never experienced it and if I had never experienced it how
it and if I had never experienced it how
it and if I had never experienced it how could I face it this is the face of
could I face it this is the face of
could I face it this is the face of grief this is the face of anger this is
grief this is the face of anger this is
grief this is the face of anger this is the face of wonder and questioning faith
the face of wonder and questioning faith
the face of wonder and questioning faith this is a face of longing this is the
this is a face of longing this is the
this is a face of longing this is the face of someone missing a piece of
face of someone missing a piece of
face of someone missing a piece of themselves let’s take a moment here to
themselves let’s take a moment here to
themselves let’s take a moment here to stare at the face of child loss this is
stare at the face of child loss this is
stare at the face of child loss this is one that has become all too familiar to
one that has become all too familiar to
one that has become all too familiar to me
me
me not because I stare at it in the mirror
not because I stare at it in the mirror
not because I stare at it in the mirror every day but because I have sat down
every day but because I have sat down
every day but because I have sat down with all these women and men and have
with all these women and men and have
with all these women and men and have talked with them shared their sadness
talked with them shared their sadness
talked with them shared their sadness shared their longing and shared their
shared their longing and shared their
shared their longing and shared their grief now replace the face of child loss
grief now replace the face of child loss
grief now replace the face of child loss with someone you love this could be your
with someone you love this could be your
with someone you love this could be your wife your girlfriend your best friend
wife your girlfriend your best friend
wife your girlfriend your best friend your sister your co-worker someone from
your sister your co-worker someone from
your sister your co-worker someone from your church congregation anyone that you
your church congregation anyone that you
your church congregation anyone that you may love even yourself do you feel that
that pit in your stomach that feeling
that pit in your stomach that feeling right there is one that I want you to
right there is one that I want you to
right there is one that I want you to remember children are not supposed to
remember children are not supposed to
remember children are not supposed to die before parents do it’s a fact and we
die before parents do it’s a fact and we
die before parents do it’s a fact and we all know this but is that the only
all know this but is that the only
all know this but is that the only reason why we don’t talk about child
reason why we don’t talk about child
reason why we don’t talk about child loss or do we not talk about it because
loss or do we not talk about it because
loss or do we not talk about it because the mother was 15 weeks along and she
the mother was 15 weeks along and she
the mother was 15 weeks along and she has so much more time to conceive
has so much more time to conceive
has so much more time to conceive another or is it because of 15 weeks
another or is it because of 15 weeks
another or is it because of 15 weeks that child is still considered a fetus
that child is still considered a fetus
that child is still considered a fetus or scientifically a bunch of cells think
or scientifically a bunch of cells think
or scientifically a bunch of cells think about that
about that
about that we are discrediting someone’s pain
we are discrediting someone’s pain
we are discrediting someone’s pain because of discomfort opinion or some
because of discomfort opinion or some
because of discomfort opinion or some other cultural personal belief we are
other cultural personal belief we are
other cultural personal belief we are thinking of ourselves a mean high
thinking of ourselves a mean high
thinking of ourselves a mean high participative MD wrote this this time I
participative MD wrote this this time I
participative MD wrote this this time I was 15 weeks along and I heard the same
was 15 weeks along and I heard the same
was 15 weeks along and I heard the same chilling sentence I’m sorry
chilling sentence I’m sorry
chilling sentence I’m sorry there’s no heartbeat my arms ache every
there’s no heartbeat my arms ache every
there’s no heartbeat my arms ache every day for the two baby boys that I lost
each participant of empty is told to do
each participant of empty is told to do the same thing they are told to choose
the same thing they are told to choose
the same thing they are told to choose the location this could be their home or
the location this could be their home or
the location this could be their home or a field a hospital room it could be
a field a hospital room it could be
a field a hospital room it could be their workplace anywhere that’s
their workplace anywhere that’s
their workplace anywhere that’s significant to their story and once
significant to their story and once
significant to their story and once we’re there once we’re taking the image
we’re there once we’re taking the image
we’re there once we’re taking the image and we’re in that location
and we’re in that location
and we’re in that location I have them pause and have them reflect
I have them pause and have them reflect
I have them pause and have them reflect on the feelings of the loss and the
on the feelings of the loss and the
on the feelings of the loss and the experience and I tell them to feel after
experience and I tell them to feel after
experience and I tell them to feel after a few moments of calm pause I hand over
a few moments of calm pause I hand over
a few moments of calm pause I hand over this mirror and it’s a simple mirror
this mirror and it’s a simple mirror
this mirror and it’s a simple mirror nothing more than you can pick up at
nothing more than you can pick up at
nothing more than you can pick up at your local home goods but this mirror
your local home goods but this mirror
your local home goods but this mirror has weight and so when I hand over this
has weight and so when I hand over this
has weight and so when I hand over this mirror I have them feel the weight I
mirror I have them feel the weight I
mirror I have them feel the weight I pause a little more Hudson still reflect
and after a few moments I then asked
and after a few moments I then asked them to hold the mirror as if they’re
them to hold the mirror as if they’re
them to hold the mirror as if they’re holding their child once again and
holding their child once again and
holding their child once again and that’s when I take the photo
the mirror is a symbolic reflection of
the mirror is a symbolic reflection of myself in my grief when talking to my
myself in my grief when talking to my
myself in my grief when talking to my participants I noticed that there was a
participants I noticed that there was a
participants I noticed that there was a commonality and all of our stories we
commonality and all of our stories we
commonality and all of our stories we all spoke of this similar sadness in the
all spoke of this similar sadness in the
all spoke of this similar sadness in the similar pain in the similar grief but I
similar pain in the similar grief but I
similar pain in the similar grief but I also noticed that we all spoke of a
also noticed that we all spoke of a
also noticed that we all spoke of a piece of ourselves missing so as you can
piece of ourselves missing so as you can
piece of ourselves missing so as you can see in all the photos I actually edited
see in all the photos I actually edited
see in all the photos I actually edited out a portion of the mirror and this was
out a portion of the mirror and this was
out a portion of the mirror and this was to reflect the fact that with grief with
to reflect the fact that with grief with
to reflect the fact that with grief with the loss of a child we truly are missing
the loss of a child we truly are missing
the loss of a child we truly are missing a piece of ourselves and so something
a piece of ourselves and so something
a piece of ourselves and so something that was metaphorically felt is now
that was metaphorically felt is now
that was metaphorically felt is now physically seen when people actively
physically seen when people actively
physically seen when people actively view these images I want them to feel
view these images I want them to feel
view these images I want them to feel what the participant is feeling I invite
what the participant is feeling I invite
what the participant is feeling I invite them to do so I want them to understand
them to do so I want them to understand
them to do so I want them to understand that this person that’s in this image is
that this person that’s in this image is
that this person that’s in this image is not just someone that lives in a close
not just someone that lives in a close
not just someone that lives in a close proximity to their home because they’re
proximity to their home because they’re
proximity to their home because they’re in the community that this person in the
in the community that this person in the
in the community that this person in the image could be someone that they love it
image could be someone that they love it
image could be someone that they love it could be someone that’s in their home
so Austin does it feel like time is just
so Austin does it feel like time is just going and going and going
so deeply feels that way and when I’ve
so deeply feels that way and when I’ve talked to my participants they all
talked to my participants they all
talked to my participants they all agreed that we just want people to
agreed that we just want people to
agreed that we just want people to realize and acknowledge the fact that we
realize and acknowledge the fact that we
realize and acknowledge the fact that we are stuck that life has stopped and time
are stuck that life has stopped and time
are stuck that life has stopped and time has Stood Still losing her baby boy at
has Stood Still losing her baby boy at
has Stood Still losing her baby boy at 38 and a half weeks
38 and a half weeks
38 and a half weeks Brenda wrote as children of friends past
Brenda wrote as children of friends past
Brenda wrote as children of friends past milestones that Joseph will never get to
milestones that Joseph will never get to
milestones that Joseph will never get to experience grief still sneaks up
experience grief still sneaks up
experience grief still sneaks up catching me unaware and it washes over
catching me unaware and it washes over
catching me unaware and it washes over me empty has been a harsh reality a
me empty has been a harsh reality a
me empty has been a harsh reality a gateway to a harsh reality it has
gateway to a harsh reality it has
gateway to a harsh reality it has provided a platform for women and men to
provided a platform for women and men to
provided a platform for women and men to share their stories and their
share their stories and their
share their stories and their experiences and the stories that they
experiences and the stories that they
experiences and the stories that they share are raw some tell of the story of
share are raw some tell of the story of
share are raw some tell of the story of losing their child and realizing that
losing their child and realizing that
losing their child and realizing that that child is no longer with them in his
that child is no longer with them in his
that child is no longer with them in his past others scream of wanting answers
past others scream of wanting answers
past others scream of wanting answers from an absent God while others speak to
from an absent God while others speak to
from an absent God while others speak to losing an abortion adoption excuse me
losing an abortion adoption excuse me
losing an abortion adoption excuse me losing an adoption knowing that they
losing an adoption knowing that they
losing an adoption knowing that they have empty arms but a full heart empty
have empty arms but a full heart empty
have empty arms but a full heart empty not has not only been the gateway to a
not has not only been the gateway to a
not has not only been the gateway to a harsh reality but it has also been a way
harsh reality but it has also been a way
harsh reality but it has also been a way for me to heal
has been a way for me to relate to other
has been a way for me to relate to other parents who didn’t who’ve endured this
parents who didn’t who’ve endured this
parents who didn’t who’ve endured this awful circumstance Taylor participants
awful circumstance Taylor participants
awful circumstance Taylor participants of empty she recently shared with me
of empty she recently shared with me
of empty she recently shared with me that she’s expecting twins she said that
that she’s expecting twins she said that
that she’s expecting twins she said that in no way did she realize that by
in no way did she realize that by
in no way did she realize that by sharing her story they would help her
sharing her story they would help her
sharing her story they would help her heal and in no way did she realize that
heal and in no way did she realize that
heal and in no way did she realize that by sharing her story they would actually
by sharing her story they would actually
by sharing her story they would actually help her transition into this new life
help her transition into this new life
help her transition into this new life with her new children how great is that
empty has created a conversation what
empty has created a conversation what will you do next time someone you love
will you do next time someone you love
will you do next time someone you love faces child loss take a step forward
faces child loss take a step forward
faces child loss take a step forward instead of taking a step back be a
instead of taking a step back be a
instead of taking a step back be a friend and lend a hand say nothing and
friend and lend a hand say nothing and
friend and lend a hand say nothing and listen you will learn so much from the
listen you will learn so much from the
listen you will learn so much from the strong and courageous individuals who
strong and courageous individuals who
strong and courageous individuals who are willing to share their empty thank
are willing to share their empty thank
are willing to share their empty thank you
you
you [Applause]
”
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