hi everybody I’m Martin Hellman and this was supposed
I’m Martin Hellman and this was supposed
I’m Martin Hellman and this was supposed to be a joint talk with my wife Dorothy
to be a joint talk with my wife Dorothy
to be a joint talk with my wife Dorothy but she wasn’t up to doing it today so
but she wasn’t up to doing it today so
but she wasn’t up to doing it today so I’m gonna do it by myself
I’m gonna do it by myself
I’m gonna do it by myself but she’s the real star of the journey
but she’s the real star of the journey
but she’s the real star of the journey I’m gonna describe and I really miss not
I’m gonna describe and I really miss not
I’m gonna describe and I really miss not having her here beside me so let’s start
having her here beside me so let’s start
having her here beside me so let’s start with a story that occurred 30 years ago
with a story that occurred 30 years ago
with a story that occurred 30 years ago Dorothy and I had driven up to San
Dorothy and I had driven up to San
Dorothy and I had driven up to San Francisco to do some fun sightseeing it
Francisco to do some fun sightseeing it
Francisco to do some fun sightseeing it was time to get to our next stop so
was time to get to our next stop so
was time to get to our next stop so Dorothy reaches into the glove
Dorothy reaches into the glove
Dorothy reaches into the glove compartment and pulls out the map yeah
compartment and pulls out the map yeah
compartment and pulls out the map yeah this was 30 years ago so it was a paper
this was 30 years ago so it was a paper
this was 30 years ago so it was a paper map and she’s looking at the map and I
map and she’s looking at the map and I
map and she’s looking at the map and I did something really really stupid I
did something really really stupid I
did something really really stupid I reached over and took the map out of her
reached over and took the map out of her
reached over and took the map out of her hands without asking how God not only
hands without asking how God not only
hands without asking how God not only was this rude this was one of her pet
was this rude this was one of her pet
was this rude this was one of her pet peeves so she got furious she storms out
peeves so she got furious she storms out
peeves so she got furious she storms out of the car slams the door and go
of the car slams the door and go
of the car slams the door and go stomping off like she’s never coming
stomping off like she’s never coming
stomping off like she’s never coming back
back
back well she did come back she took a while
well she did come back she took a while
well she did come back she took a while to cool down and when she thought she
to cool down and when she thought she
to cool down and when she thought she cooled down enough that she could be in
cooled down enough that she could be in
cooled down enough that she could be in the same car with me she got back in and
the same car with me she got back in and
the same car with me she got back in and what does she find I’ve got my head
what does she find I’ve got my head
what does she find I’ve got my head buried in the map now I was trying to
buried in the map now I was trying to
buried in the map now I was trying to pretend that nothing had happened I knew
pretend that nothing had happened I knew
pretend that nothing had happened I knew something had happened but I still
something had happened but I still
something had happened but I still hadn’t figured out what I’d done wrong
hadn’t figured out what I’d done wrong
hadn’t figured out what I’d done wrong and I was afraid of stepping on another
and I was afraid of stepping on another
and I was afraid of stepping on another landmine but to her it seemed like I was
landmine but to her it seemed like I was
landmine but to her it seemed like I was ignoring her so this brought back her
ignoring her so this brought back her
ignoring her so this brought back her anger even worse than before and so
anger even worse than before and so
anger even worse than before and so without thinking she rips the map out of
without thinking she rips the map out of
without thinking she rips the map out of my hands and she starts tearing it to
my hands and she starts tearing it to
my hands and she starts tearing it to pieces shredding it all over the car and
pieces shredding it all over the car and
pieces shredding it all over the car and all over me so now there’s a moment of
all over me so now there’s a moment of
all over me so now there’s a moment of truth
truth
truth I could escalate this argument I mean I
I could escalate this argument I mean I
I could escalate this argument I mean I have the perfect opening I could tell
have the perfect opening I could tell
have the perfect opening I could tell her how stupid she’d been for tearing up
her how stupid she’d been for tearing up
her how stupid she’d been for tearing up the map and not a smart move right
the map and not a smart move right
the map and not a smart move right and fortunately somehow I got outside of
and fortunately somehow I got outside of
and fortunately somehow I got outside of my own head and it’s almost like I could
my own head and it’s almost like I could
my own head and it’s almost like I could look down on the scene from above and
look down on the scene from above and
look down on the scene from above and see it as the ridiculous comedy that it
see it as the ridiculous comedy that it
see it as the ridiculous comedy that it actually was so oh god I laughed and
actually was so oh god I laughed and
actually was so oh god I laughed and then she laughed she saw the humor in a
then she laughed she saw the humor in a
then she laughed she saw the humor in a – thank God
– thank God
– thank God and then the two of us had to get down
and then the two of us had to get down
and then the two of us had to get down on the floor of the car and pick up
on the floor of the car and pick up
on the floor of the car and pick up those shreds that had been our map which
those shreds that had been our map which
those shreds that had been our map which was now a jigsaw puzzle and piece it
was now a jigsaw puzzle and piece it
was now a jigsaw puzzle and piece it back together again similar ridiculous
back together again similar ridiculous
back together again similar ridiculous arguments occur at the international
arguments occur at the international
arguments occur at the international level but there’s a big difference there
level but there’s a big difference there
level but there’s a big difference there those can end in war and in a world that
those can end in war and in a world that
those can end in war and in a world that is bristling with 14,000 nuclear weapons
is bristling with 14,000 nuclear weapons
is bristling with 14,000 nuclear weapons you didn’t hear me wrong fourteen
you didn’t hear me wrong fourteen
you didn’t hear me wrong fourteen thousand of them if we keep making
thousand of them if we keep making
thousand of them if we keep making stupid mistakes like that it’s only a
stupid mistakes like that it’s only a
stupid mistakes like that it’s only a matter of time before one of those wars
matter of time before one of those wars
matter of time before one of those wars escalates out of control and leads to
escalates out of control and leads to
escalates out of control and leads to this are tearing up the map story is a
this are tearing up the map story is a
this are tearing up the map story is a metaphor for what’s needed both
metaphor for what’s needed both
metaphor for what’s needed both individually and internationally
individually and internationally
individually and internationally Dorothy and I each brought unconscious
Dorothy and I each brought unconscious
Dorothy and I each brought unconscious maps to our relationship and they had us
maps to our relationship and they had us
maps to our relationship and they had us repeatedly driving off cliffs but
repeatedly driving off cliffs but
repeatedly driving off cliffs but because those were the only maps we had
because those were the only maps we had
because those were the only maps we had the only maps we knew it was really
the only maps we knew it was really
the only maps we knew it was really scary to tear them up but when we found
scary to tear them up but when we found
scary to tear them up but when we found the courage to do that we then had the
the courage to do that we then had the
the courage to do that we then had the opportunity to piece together a new map
opportunity to piece together a new map
opportunity to piece together a new map that brought us joy as we worked on our
that brought us joy as we worked on our
that brought us joy as we worked on our relationship we came to see that the
relationship we came to see that the
relationship we came to see that the same problems that caused many fights in
same problems that caused many fights in
same problems that caused many fights in our marriage also were causing many wars
our marriage also were causing many wars
our marriage also were causing many wars in the world things like not listening
in the world things like not listening
in the world things like not listening disrespect thinking there’s only one
disrespect thinking there’s only one
disrespect thinking there’s only one solution mine when the problems are
solution mine when the problems are
solution mine when the problems are described that way the solution becomes
described that way the solution becomes
described that way the solution becomes obvious we need to do the opposite we
obvious we need to do the opposite we
obvious we need to do the opposite we needed to work really hard at listening
needed to work really hard at listening
needed to work really hard at listening to one another
to one another
to one another we needed to respect each other
we needed to respect each other
we needed to respect each other especially when we disagreed and we
especially when we disagreed and we
especially when we disagreed and we needed to recognize that the world is
needed to recognize that the world is
needed to recognize that the world is full of wonderful solutions just waiting
full of wonderful solutions just waiting
full of wonderful solutions just waiting for us to discover them those are all
for us to discover them those are all
for us to discover them those are all part of what we call holistic thinking
part of what we call holistic thinking
part of what we call holistic thinking taking in the bigger picture the new
taking in the bigger picture the new
taking in the bigger picture the new international map also requires a shift
international map also requires a shift
international map also requires a shift to holistic thinking in the nuclear age
to holistic thinking in the nuclear age
to holistic thinking in the nuclear age national security is becoming
national security is becoming
national security is becoming inseparable from global security as just
inseparable from global security as just
inseparable from global security as just one example the more we threaten Russia
one example the more we threaten Russia
one example the more we threaten Russia the less secure we the United States
the less secure we the United States
the less secure we the United States become after all they have 7,000 nuclear
become after all they have 7,000 nuclear
become after all they have 7,000 nuclear weapons here’s the main thing to
weapons here’s the main thing to
weapons here’s the main thing to remember for getting started believing
remember for getting started believing
remember for getting started believing that peace is possible is the on-ramp to
that peace is possible is the on-ramp to
that peace is possible is the on-ramp to the new map if we don’t believe peace is
the new map if we don’t believe peace is
the new map if we don’t believe peace is possible we’ll never get there and if
possible we’ll never get there and if
possible we’ll never get there and if individuals like us never get there
individuals like us never get there
individuals like us never get there neither will society changes in the
neither will society changes in the
neither will society changes in the course of human history have always
course of human history have always
course of human history have always started with a few courageous
started with a few courageous
started with a few courageous individuals who were willing to
individuals who were willing to
individuals who were willing to challenge deeply held but utterly
challenge deeply held but utterly
challenge deeply held but utterly mistaken societal beliefs Mark Twain
mistaken societal beliefs Mark Twain
mistaken societal beliefs Mark Twain said it really well they didn’t know is
said it really well they didn’t know is
said it really well they didn’t know is impossible so they did it Dorothy and I
impossible so they did it Dorothy and I
impossible so they did it Dorothy and I know that world peace is possible
know that world peace is possible
know that world peace is possible because we transformed a really
because we transformed a really
because we transformed a really turbulent marriage that was on the brink
turbulent marriage that was on the brink
turbulent marriage that was on the brink of divorce 35 years ago into one where
of divorce 35 years ago into one where
of divorce 35 years ago into one where we haven’t had a single fight or even
we haven’t had a single fight or even
we haven’t had a single fight or even mistreated each other in over 15 years a
mistreated each other in over 15 years a
mistreated each other in over 15 years a relationship like that was as
relationship like that was as
relationship like that was as inconceivable to us back then especially
inconceivable to us back then especially
inconceivable to us back then especially to me as world peace is to most people
to me as world peace is to most people
to me as world peace is to most people today in the nuclear era learning to
today in the nuclear era learning to
today in the nuclear era learning to resolve conflicts holistically will do
resolve conflicts holistically will do
resolve conflicts holistically will do much more than just get us out of
much more than just get us out of
much more than just get us out of personal pain it literally will help say
personal pain it literally will help say
personal pain it literally will help say the world to save the world the first
the world to save the world the first
the world to save the world the first thing we need to do is to stop blaming
thing we need to do is to stop blaming
thing we need to do is to stop blaming other nations and trying to change their
other nations and trying to change their
other nations and trying to change their behavior because the real power we have
behavior because the real power we have
behavior because the real power we have is for changing ourselves that’s why in
is for changing ourselves that’s why in
is for changing ourselves that’s why in what follows I’m going to focus on
what follows I’m going to focus on
what follows I’m going to focus on America’s mistakes not because we’re the
America’s mistakes not because we’re the
America’s mistakes not because we’re the only nation to make them then we need to
only nation to make them then we need to
only nation to make them then we need to apply the new maps holistic thinking
apply the new maps holistic thinking
apply the new maps holistic thinking even maybe especially with seemingly
even maybe especially with seemingly
even maybe especially with seemingly impossible nations so what’s the most
impossible nations so what’s the most
impossible nations so what’s the most impossible nation of all today North
impossible nation of all today North
impossible nation of all today North Korea good choice because I’m going to
Korea good choice because I’m going to
Korea good choice because I’m going to pick that nation what you’re going to
pick that nation what you’re going to
pick that nation what you’re going to hear is likely to surprise you so I’m
hear is likely to surprise you so I’m
hear is likely to surprise you so I’m gonna stick to easily verifiable facts
gonna stick to easily verifiable facts
gonna stick to easily verifiable facts let’s look at how a lack of holistic
let’s look at how a lack of holistic
let’s look at how a lack of holistic thinking not listening not respecting
thinking not listening not respecting
thinking not listening not respecting thinking our solutions the only one the
thinking our solutions the only one the
thinking our solutions the only one the same thing that caused so much trouble
same thing that caused so much trouble
same thing that caused so much trouble in our marriage also caused major
in our marriage also caused major
in our marriage also caused major problems in our relationship with North
problems in our relationship with North
problems in our relationship with North Korea not listening two years ago North
Korea not listening two years ago North
Korea not listening two years ago North Korea proposed that it would halt its
Korea proposed that it would halt its
Korea proposed that it would halt its nuclear tests if we would stop our
nuclear tests if we would stop our
nuclear tests if we would stop our annual war games with South Korea they
annual war games with South Korea they
annual war games with South Korea they see those war games as preparations for
see those war games as preparations for
see those war games as preparations for our invading them instead of listening
our invading them instead of listening
our invading them instead of listening our State Department rejected the offer
our State Department rejected the offer
our State Department rejected the offer as inappropriately linking the two
as inappropriately linking the two
as inappropriately linking the two issues what about disrespect
issues what about disrespect
issues what about disrespect let’s see putting North Korea in the
let’s see putting North Korea in the
let’s see putting North Korea in the axis of evil was that a term of
axis of evil was that a term of
axis of evil was that a term of endearment no way if I put Dorothy in
endearment no way if I put Dorothy in
endearment no way if I put Dorothy in the axis of evil I would have a huge
the axis of evil I would have a huge
the axis of evil I would have a huge price to pay we’ve just seen how a lack
price to pay we’ve just seen how a lack
price to pay we’ve just seen how a lack of holistic thinking sabotage that’s
of holistic thinking sabotage that’s
of holistic thinking sabotage that’s what it did a lack of holistic thinking
what it did a lack of holistic thinking
what it did a lack of holistic thinking sabotage our relationship with North
sabotage our relationship with North
sabotage our relationship with North Korea but what about the current crisis
Korea but what about the current crisis
Korea but what about the current crisis fortunately holistic thinking result
fortunately holistic thinking result
fortunately holistic thinking result resolved an almost identical dispute
resolved an almost identical dispute
resolved an almost identical dispute back in 1994 so think back they’ll
back in 1994 so think back they’ll
back in 1994 so think back they’ll quentin’s the president and I didn’t
quentin’s the president and I didn’t
quentin’s the president and I didn’t know it at the time most Americans
know it at the time most Americans
know it at the time most Americans didn’t know it at the time but he was
didn’t know it at the time but he was
didn’t know it at the time but he was this close to attacking North Korea over
this close to attacking North Korea over
this close to attacking North Korea over its nuclear weapons program former
its nuclear weapons program former
its nuclear weapons program former President Jimmy Carter went over to
President Jimmy Carter went over to
President Jimmy Carter went over to North Korea as a private citizen and he
North Korea as a private citizen and he
North Korea as a private citizen and he got them to agree to a deal that among
got them to agree to a deal that among
got them to agree to a deal that among other things prevented them from
other things prevented them from
other things prevented them from extracting plutonium plutonium that they
extracting plutonium plutonium that they
extracting plutonium plutonium that they needed to do their first nuclear test
needed to do their first nuclear test
needed to do their first nuclear test unfortunately eight years later we shot
unfortunately eight years later we shot
unfortunately eight years later we shot ourselves in the foot by tearing up that
ourselves in the foot by tearing up that
ourselves in the foot by tearing up that agreement they started extracting
agreement they started extracting
agreement they started extracting plutonium again and they did their first
plutonium again and they did their first
plutonium again and they did their first nuclear test four years later in 2006
nuclear test four years later in 2006
nuclear test four years later in 2006 former President Carter was able to do
former President Carter was able to do
former President Carter was able to do what the sitting President Bill Clinton
what the sitting President Bill Clinton
what the sitting President Bill Clinton could not he could use holistic thinking
could not he could use holistic thinking
could not he could use holistic thinking and incorporate North Korea’s
and incorporate North Korea’s
and incorporate North Korea’s perspective with our own why because he
perspective with our own why because he
perspective with our own why because he didn’t have to worry about getting
didn’t have to worry about getting
didn’t have to worry about getting reelected in two years how did Carter
reelected in two years how did Carter
reelected in two years how did Carter exercise holistic thinking he showed
exercise holistic thinking he showed
exercise holistic thinking he showed respect he listened and he came up with
respect he listened and he came up with
respect he listened and he came up with a solution that incorporated both
a solution that incorporated both
a solution that incorporated both nations needs he showed respect just by
nations needs he showed respect just by
nations needs he showed respect just by going to North Korea usually we shun
going to North Korea usually we shun
going to North Korea usually we shun them he listened
them he listened
them he listened North Korea wanted better relations with
North Korea wanted better relations with
North Korea wanted better relations with the United States as a hedge against
the United States as a hedge against
the United States as a hedge against China so the agreement promised better
China so the agreement promised better
China so the agreement promised better relations unfortunately those better
relations unfortunately those better
relations unfortunately those better relations never materialized
relations never materialized
relations never materialized adding to North Korea’s feeling that
adding to North Korea’s feeling that
adding to North Korea’s feeling that we’ve cheated them and the third
we’ve cheated them and the third
we’ve cheated them and the third holistic aspect of Carters approach was
holistic aspect of Carters approach was
holistic aspect of Carters approach was to craft an agreement that was
to craft an agreement that was
to craft an agreement that was attractive to both sides holistic
attractive to both sides holistic
attractive to both sides holistic thinking gives us tremendous power for
thinking gives us tremendous power for
thinking gives us tremendous power for dealing with seemingly impossible
dealing with seemingly impossible
dealing with seemingly impossible nations even North Korea but only if we
nations even North Korea but only if we
nations even North Korea but only if we the public will reward our elected
the public will reward our elected
the public will reward our elected officials for thinking holistically
officials for thinking holistically
officials for thinking holistically rather than punishing them at the ballot
rather than punishing them at the ballot
rather than punishing them at the ballot box we actually have to change first
box we actually have to change first
box we actually have to change first because the people we call our leaders
because the people we call our leaders
because the people we call our leaders actually follow our lead one of the
actually follow our lead one of the
actually follow our lead one of the questions that our
questions that our
questions that our and I get all the time is how does it
and I get all the time is how does it
and I get all the time is how does it work when only one party to the conflict
work when only one party to the conflict
work when only one party to the conflict brings holistic thinking to bear on it
brings holistic thinking to bear on it
brings holistic thinking to bear on it so I’m going to shift gears and go back
so I’m going to shift gears and go back
so I’m going to shift gears and go back to the personal side and tell you an
to the personal side and tell you an
to the personal side and tell you an in-law story
in-law story
in-law story those were always fun when Dorothy and I
those were always fun when Dorothy and I
those were always fun when Dorothy and I decided to get married one of the few
decided to get married one of the few
decided to get married one of the few things she knew about my parents she
things she knew about my parents she
things she knew about my parents she hadn’t met them one of the few things
hadn’t met them one of the few things
hadn’t met them one of the few things she knew about my parents was they
she knew about my parents was they
she knew about my parents was they didn’t want us to get married they
didn’t want us to get married they
didn’t want us to get married they thought we were too young she was from
thought we were too young she was from
thought we were too young she was from California she was a California beach
California she was a California beach
California she was a California beach girl I was a boy from the Bronx so
girl I was a boy from the Bronx so
girl I was a boy from the Bronx so imagine her immense relief her immense
imagine her immense relief her immense
imagine her immense relief her immense surprise when the day after she meets my
surprise when the day after she meets my
surprise when the day after she meets my father they’re sitting in the kitchen
father they’re sitting in the kitchen
father they’re sitting in the kitchen and he says to her Dorothy you remind me
and he says to her Dorothy you remind me
and he says to her Dorothy you remind me of my mother Dorothy thinks hallelujah
of my mother Dorothy thinks hallelujah
of my mother Dorothy thinks hallelujah this is gonna work I remind him of his
this is gonna work I remind him of his
this is gonna work I remind him of his mother so she says why thank you
mother so she says why thank you
mother so she says why thank you and my father turns to her and says I
and my father turns to her and says I
and my father turns to her and says I didn’t like my mother
hmm believe it or not that was not the
hmm believe it or not that was not the worst part of the relationship and it
worst part of the relationship and it
worst part of the relationship and it got so painful for Dorothy that after a
got so painful for Dorothy that after a
got so painful for Dorothy that after a while she just stopped going to visit
while she just stopped going to visit
while she just stopped going to visit but then as she and I brought holistic
but then as she and I brought holistic
but then as she and I brought holistic thinking to bear on our marriage and
thinking to bear on our marriage and
thinking to bear on our marriage and work it worked wonders she decided she
work it worked wonders she decided she
work it worked wonders she decided she could use holistic thinking to solve the
could use holistic thinking to solve the
could use holistic thinking to solve the relationship problems she had with my
relationship problems she had with my
relationship problems she had with my parents even though she was the only one
parents even though she was the only one
parents even though she was the only one doing it so what did she do she went
doing it so what did she do she went
doing it so what did she do she went back for a visit and she worked really
back for a visit and she worked really
back for a visit and she worked really hard at listening to them she respected
hard at listening to them she respected
hard at listening to them she respected the cultural differences and what I
the cultural differences and what I
the cultural differences and what I think was most important she realized
think was most important she realized
think was most important she realized that her old approach wasn’t working so
that her old approach wasn’t working so
that her old approach wasn’t working so she came up with a new one instead of
she came up with a new one instead of
she came up with a new one instead of taking what they said personally she
taking what they said personally she
taking what they said personally she focused on making them feel loved and
focused on making them feel loved and
focused on making them feel loved and let me tell you they loved feeling loved
let me tell you they loved feeling loved
let me tell you they loved feeling loved that worked miracles where nothing else
that worked miracles where nothing else
that worked miracles where nothing else had worked as that story shows holistic
had worked as that story shows holistic
had worked as that story shows holistic thinking is a power tool for getting out
thinking is a power tool for getting out
thinking is a power tool for getting out of pain even if only one person uses it
of pain even if only one person uses it
of pain even if only one person uses it of course it works far far better if
of course it works far far better if
of course it works far far better if both people do Dorothy and I reach
both people do Dorothy and I reach
both people do Dorothy and I reach we celebrated our 50th wedding
we celebrated our 50th wedding
we celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary but even more importantly we
anniversary but even more importantly we
anniversary but even more importantly we recaptured that true love
recaptured that true love
recaptured that true love it’s amazing the true love that we felt
it’s amazing the true love that we felt
it’s amazing the true love that we felt when we first met all those years ago
when we first met all those years ago
when we first met all those years ago the new map has worked so well for us
the new map has worked so well for us
the new map has worked so well for us that we wrote a book called a new map
that we wrote a book called a new map
that we wrote a book called a new map for relationships oh and by the way we
for relationships oh and by the way we
for relationships oh and by the way we didn’t have a single fight doing that
didn’t have a single fight doing that
didn’t have a single fight doing that either we had disagreements but we
either we had disagreements but we
either we had disagreements but we didn’t fight over it we came up with a
didn’t fight over it we came up with a
didn’t fight over it we came up with a holistic solution the new maps holistic
holistic solution the new maps holistic
holistic solution the new maps holistic thinking can work wonders attending pain
thinking can work wonders attending pain
thinking can work wonders attending pain at home and war in the world the first
at home and war in the world the first
at home and war in the world the first step is to believe that it’s possible
step is to believe that it’s possible
step is to believe that it’s possible believe that peace is possible and the
believe that peace is possible and the
believe that peace is possible and the next step
try the experiment that’s what she
try the experiment that’s what she always tells me to try the experiment
always tells me to try the experiment
always tells me to try the experiment try on the new maps holistic thinking
try on the new maps holistic thinking
try on the new maps holistic thinking for yourself isn’t it time we got a new
for yourself isn’t it time we got a new
for yourself isn’t it time we got a new map that worked better than that old one
map that worked better than that old one
map that worked better than that old one thank you very much
thank you very much
thank you very much [Applause]
”
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