hi I’m penny last year the Rochester Fringe Festival
Fringe Festival
Fringe Festival I really produced a show called spy in
I really produced a show called spy in
I really produced a show called spy in the house of men it’s a story of my life
the house of men it’s a story of my life
the house of men it’s a story of my life and it was really well received everyone
and it was really well received everyone
and it was really well received everyone who saw it said everyone should see it
who saw it said everyone should see it
who saw it said everyone should see it so this past summer I took my show on
so this past summer I took my show on
so this past summer I took my show on the road to epic
the road to epic
the road to epic Cincinnati Washington DC Minneapolis in
Cincinnati Washington DC Minneapolis in
Cincinnati Washington DC Minneapolis in the back here in Rochester and that
the back here in Rochester and that
the back here in Rochester and that continued why didn’t you do in the
continued why didn’t you do in the
continued why didn’t you do in the future as much as I can
future as much as I can
future as much as I can the are so many years of living in
the are so many years of living in
the are so many years of living in hiding the positive response I received
hiding the positive response I received
hiding the positive response I received from my show was amazing unexpected and
from my show was amazing unexpected and
from my show was amazing unexpected and validating the one thing I really didn’t
validating the one thing I really didn’t
validating the one thing I really didn’t talk about in my show was the title spy
talk about in my show was the title spy
talk about in my show was the title spy in the house of man what does that mean
in the house of man what does that mean
in the house of man what does that mean how much spy so and the spirit of
how much spy so and the spirit of
how much spy so and the spirit of revealing the invisible I called my show
revealing the invisible I called my show
revealing the invisible I called my show spy in the house of men because I didn’t
spy in the house of men because I didn’t
spy in the house of men because I didn’t I applied for it before I actually wrote
I applied for it before I actually wrote
I applied for it before I actually wrote anything for the festival and I had had
anything for the festival and I had had
anything for the festival and I had had some sort of title in the application it
some sort of title in the application it
some sort of title in the application it was such a cool one and you know the
was such a cool one and you know the
was such a cool one and you know the news guy got in the newspaper and that
news guy got in the newspaper and that
news guy got in the newspaper and that was on all the festival programming even
was on all the festival programming even
was on all the festival programming even on my stationery
on my stationery
on my stationery so I forget just go with it I really did
so I forget just go with it I really did
so I forget just go with it I really did plan on talking about it during the show
plan on talking about it during the show
plan on talking about it during the show by the way
by the way
by the way but you know the bet all this backstory
but you know the bet all this backstory
but you know the bet all this backstory I had to do about my
I had to do about my
I had to do about my and there was a really cool story about
and there was a really cool story about
and there was a really cool story about me admitting that I was transgender and
me admitting that I was transgender and
me admitting that I was transgender and transitioning when I was 55 then all the
transitioning when I was 55 then all the
transitioning when I was 55 then all the interesting things that happened to me
interesting things that happened to me
interesting things that happened to me since then so by the time I wrote all
since then so by the time I wrote all
since then so by the time I wrote all that I was already close to an out so I
that I was already close to an out so I
that I was already close to an out so I just kind of glossed over the subject of
just kind of glossed over the subject of
just kind of glossed over the subject of the sentence or two and nobody really
the sentence or two and nobody really
the sentence or two and nobody really seemed to notice besides those stories
seemed to notice besides those stories
seemed to notice besides those stories really all that entertaining that dark
really all that entertaining that dark
really all that entertaining that dark really well there was darkness in the
really well there was darkness in the
really well there was darkness in the stories I told to be sure but in those
stories I told to be sure but in those
stories I told to be sure but in those stories I wasn’t the bad guy and I
stories I wasn’t the bad guy and I
stories I wasn’t the bad guy and I wasn’t the bad guy much during that 40
wasn’t the bad guy much during that 40
wasn’t the bad guy much during that 40 year period in fact I think I was rather
year period in fact I think I was rather
year period in fact I think I was rather a good guy I I helped people move I
bought pictures of beers sometimes when
bought pictures of beers sometimes when it wasn’t even my turn
it wasn’t even my turn
it wasn’t even my turn I told funny stories I have a steady job
I told funny stories I have a steady job
I told funny stories I have a steady job I love my wife and kids all that stuff
I love my wife and kids all that stuff
I love my wife and kids all that stuff in fact the bulk of who I am now is
in fact the bulk of who I am now is
in fact the bulk of who I am now is pretty much identical to who I was back
pretty much identical to who I was back
pretty much identical to who I was back then
then
then except you know not nearly as much beer
except you know not nearly as much beer
except you know not nearly as much beer I was just doing things better and more
I was just doing things better and more
I was just doing things better and more joyfully and without that big
joyfully and without that big
joyfully and without that big fundamental lie about Who I am and it’s
fundamental lie about Who I am and it’s
fundamental lie about Who I am and it’s in that lie that we find the darkness
in that lie that we find the darkness
in that lie that we find the darkness and as much as I would love to take all
and as much as I would love to take all
and as much as I would love to take all of the things that require content
of the things that require content
of the things that require content warning and say oh that was Brian and
warning and say oh that was Brian and
warning and say oh that was Brian and then take all the good stuff and say
then take all the good stuff and say
then take all the good stuff and say this is penny
this is penny
this is penny I can’t it’s all me
and I think it’s really important that I
and I think it’s really important that I talk about this right now especially
talk about this right now especially
talk about this right now especially with so many stories of men in the news
with so many stories of men in the news
with so many stories of men in the news powerful men sexually abusing people and
powerful men sexually abusing people and
powerful men sexually abusing people and with so many of my friends posting on
with so many of my friends posting on
with so many of my friends posting on Facebook also a beginning basis about
Facebook also a beginning basis about
Facebook also a beginning basis about all these random men just casually
all these random men just casually
all these random men just casually objectify and terrorize them just to
objectify and terrorize them just to
objectify and terrorize them just to being women in public because I’ve done
being women in public because I’ve done
being women in public because I’ve done with that to which quite frankly
with that to which quite frankly
with that to which quite frankly surprises the hell out of me I mean look
surprises the hell out of me I mean look
surprises the hell out of me I mean look at me I’m 58 years old I’m bit like your
at me I’m 58 years old I’m bit like your
at me I’m 58 years old I’m bit like your dad and I dressed like your mom but in
dad and I dressed like your mom but in
dad and I dressed like your mom but in the past three years I have been
the past three years I have been
the past three years I have been propositioned threatened and assaulted
propositioned threatened and assaulted
propositioned threatened and assaulted both verbally and physically more than a
both verbally and physically more than a
both verbally and physically more than a half a dozen times yeah I’m in the club
the thing is I’m in the other club too
the thing is I’m in the other club too the one that uses size and strength and
the one that uses size and strength and
the one that uses size and strength and words and fear to get what they want
words and fear to get what they want
words and fear to get what they want from others wish to god I wasn’t but I
from others wish to god I wasn’t but I
from others wish to god I wasn’t but I am it’s a big part of who I was as a man
am it’s a big part of who I was as a man
am it’s a big part of who I was as a man and I don’t know that I’m using
and I don’t know that I’m using
and I don’t know that I’m using euphemisms like in the club because this
euphemisms like in the club because this
euphemisms like in the club because this is an awful subject and it does require
is an awful subject and it does require
is an awful subject and it does require content warnings because I’m talking
content warnings because I’m talking
content warnings because I’m talking about abuse from the perspective of the
about abuse from the perspective of the
about abuse from the perspective of the abuser it’s hard to talk about and I can
abuser it’s hard to talk about and I can
abuser it’s hard to talk about and I can understand how hard it can be to hear so
understand how hard it can be to hear so
understand how hard it can be to hear so please bear with me as I try to tell my
please bear with me as I try to tell my
please bear with me as I try to tell my story as openly and as honestly as I can
story as openly and as honestly as I can
story as openly and as honestly as I can with nothing at it and with nothing
with nothing at it and with nothing
with nothing at it and with nothing taken away and please understand that
taken away and please understand that
taken away and please understand that this is such a complicated something for
this is such a complicated something for
this is such a complicated something for anybody to talk about especially for
anybody to talk about especially for
anybody to talk about especially for somebody like me
I have always been transgender always I
I have always been transgender always I was transgender since before transgender
was transgender since before transgender
was transgender since before transgender was even a word since before I even knew
was even a word since before I even knew
was even a word since before I even knew it was a concept something was different
it was a concept something was different
it was a concept something was different about me but I didn’t know what it was
about me but I didn’t know what it was
about me but I didn’t know what it was until I was 8 years old and I didn’t
until I was 8 years old and I didn’t
until I was 8 years old and I didn’t know that anybody else in the world was
know that anybody else in the world was
know that anybody else in the world was like me until I was 16 and that was when
like me until I was 16 and that was when
like me until I was 16 and that was when renamed Richards it’s an eye doctor who
renamed Richards it’s an eye doctor who
renamed Richards it’s an eye doctor who had a sex-change operation as it was
had a sex-change operation as it was
had a sex-change operation as it was called back then made headlines for
called back then made headlines for
called back then made headlines for competing in the women’s professional
competing in the women’s professional
competing in the women’s professional tennis circuit and they reacted to her
tennis circuit and they reacted to her
tennis circuit and they reacted to her and me small wealthy isolated little
and me small wealthy isolated little
and me small wealthy isolated little town where I grew up it was pretty good
town where I grew up it was pretty good
town where I grew up it was pretty good a formerly negative a lot of crude jokes
a formerly negative a lot of crude jokes
a formerly negative a lot of crude jokes mostly many of them invoking title 9 the
mostly many of them invoking title 9 the
mostly many of them invoking title 9 the federal amendment that made it illegal
federal amendment that made it illegal
federal amendment that made it illegal to discriminate based upon sex they had
to discriminate based upon sex they had
to discriminate based upon sex they had just recently been signed into law and
just recently been signed into law and
just recently been signed into law and was equally ridiculed mocked and
was equally ridiculed mocked and
was equally ridiculed mocked and resented but by this time I had already
resented but by this time I had already
resented but by this time I had already made the decision that I was never ever
made the decision that I was never ever
made the decision that I was never ever going to tell anybody who I was ever I
going to tell anybody who I was ever I
going to tell anybody who I was ever I had decided that this was going to be a
had decided that this was going to be a
had decided that this was going to be a secret that would be buried with me and
secret that would be buried with me and
secret that would be buried with me and everything that I saw simply reinforced
everything that I saw simply reinforced
everything that I saw simply reinforced that decision so I said about the
that decision so I said about the
that decision so I said about the business of hiding myself and trying to
business of hiding myself and trying to
business of hiding myself and trying to fit in and hoping against hope that I
fit in and hoping against hope that I
fit in and hoping against hope that I could somehow kill that part of my soul
could somehow kill that part of my soul
could somehow kill that part of my soul that kept screaming at me this is not
that kept screaming at me this is not
that kept screaming at me this is not who I am and although I never did manage
who I am and although I never did manage
who I am and although I never did manage to kill it obviously I was able to
to kill it obviously I was able to
to kill it obviously I was able to starve it of enough oxygen then it kept
starve it of enough oxygen then it kept
starve it of enough oxygen then it kept pretty quiet I called my show spy in the
pretty quiet I called my show spy in the
pretty quiet I called my show spy in the house of men because that’s what I was I
house of men because that’s what I was I
house of men because that’s what I was I was alone in a world that wanted me to
was alone in a world that wanted me to
was alone in a world that wanted me to be a man and I wanted to be one but I
be a man and I wanted to be one but I
be a man and I wanted to be one but I wasn’t and there was nobody to talk to
wasn’t and there was nobody to talk to
wasn’t and there was nobody to talk to about this so I had to do this by myself
about this so I had to do this by myself
about this so I had to do this by myself I had no mentor to guide me or coach me
I had no mentor to guide me or coach me
I had no mentor to guide me or coach me partially for reasons beyond my control
partially for reasons beyond my control
partially for reasons beyond my control but also because I was terrified of
but also because I was terrified of
but also because I was terrified of getting close to anybody because they
getting close to anybody because they
getting close to anybody because they would find out that I was a fraud so
would find out that I was a fraud so
would find out that I was a fraud so so I did that and I did it by myself
so I did that and I did it by myself
so I did that and I did it by myself because that was a good thing because
because that was a good thing because
because that was a good thing because self-reliance it’s a very humanity trait
self-reliance it’s a very humanity trait
self-reliance it’s a very humanity trait to have actually everything I learned
to have actually everything I learned
to have actually everything I learned about being the man I learned by
about being the man I learned by
about being the man I learned by observing and imitating other men and I
observing and imitating other men and I
observing and imitating other men and I mean everything right down to the way I
mean everything right down to the way I
mean everything right down to the way I walked because my dad told me that I
walked because my dad told me that I
walked because my dad told me that I walked like a girl by the way you have
walked like a girl by the way you have
walked like a girl by the way you have no idea how great it is Tiffany’s my
no idea how great it is Tiffany’s my
no idea how great it is Tiffany’s my kiss when I walk by the entire lower
kiss when I walk by the entire lower
kiss when I walk by the entire lower back as I say Colin thank God the world
back as I say Colin thank God the world
back as I say Colin thank God the world I observe was run by men and these men
I observe was run by men and these men
I observe was run by men and these men didn’t tolerate women and coaching to
didn’t tolerate women and coaching to
didn’t tolerate women and coaching to their territory men were men and women
their territory men were men and women
their territory men were men and women were women and we all had our own spaces
were women and we all had our own spaces
were women and we all had our own spaces at any hint of gender variance was
at any hint of gender variance was
at any hint of gender variance was either done as a joke or treated like
either done as a joke or treated like
either done as a joke or treated like one this was the world I officer at home
one this was the world I officer at home
one this was the world I officer at home where my father got everything that he
where my father got everything that he
where my father got everything that he wanted without question and my mother
wanted without question and my mother
wanted without question and my mother willingly went along with it this is the
willingly went along with it this is the
willingly went along with it this is the world I observed at my school were the
world I observed at my school were the
world I observed at my school were the older boys bullied the younger ones and
older boys bullied the younger ones and
older boys bullied the younger ones and the assholes got all the cute girls so
the assholes got all the cute girls so
the assholes got all the cute girls so when I got older I figured I was
when I got older I figured I was
when I got older I figured I was supposed to be the one to bully and I
supposed to be the one to bully and I
supposed to be the one to bully and I did the girlfriend thing not so much and
did the girlfriend thing not so much and
did the girlfriend thing not so much and it was the world
it was the world
it was the world I observed on television my greatest
I observed on television my greatest
I observed on television my greatest teacher that taught me that women were
teacher that taught me that women were
teacher that taught me that women were to be pursued and control that were
to be pursued and control that were
to be pursued and control that were prizes to be captured and even if they
prizes to be captured and even if they
prizes to be captured and even if they protested and struggled a little like
protested and struggled a little like
protested and struggled a little like dick and they wanted it to be that way
dick and they wanted it to be that way
dick and they wanted it to be that way in to be honest nothing I saw in the
in to be honest nothing I saw in the
in to be honest nothing I saw in the world around me contested that view I
world around me contested that view I
world around me contested that view I was a man and that meant that I could
was a man and that meant that I could
was a man and that meant that I could get what I wanted I was forceful enough
get what I wanted I was forceful enough
get what I wanted I was forceful enough that was bigger than many and stronger
that was bigger than many and stronger
that was bigger than many and stronger than most and stupid enough to think
than most and stupid enough to think
than most and stupid enough to think that this was a good idea
that this was a good idea
that this was a good idea and if ever I came across a woman who
and if ever I came across a woman who
and if ever I came across a woman who had a problem with this well it’s just
had a problem with this well it’s just
had a problem with this well it’s just because she wasn’t reading the script
because she wasn’t reading the script
because she wasn’t reading the script and I had a solution for it it was
and I had a solution for it it was
and I had a solution for it it was called abuse I was an abuser of women
called abuse I was an abuser of women
called abuse I was an abuser of women some that I knew and so that I barely
some that I knew and so that I barely
some that I knew and so that I barely know every time I say those words but
know every time I say those words but
know every time I say those words but using often because I don’t want
using often because I don’t want
using often because I don’t want say them at all I want to throw caveats
say them at all I want to throw caveats
say them at all I want to throw caveats into it some of those when I was young
into it some of those when I was young
into it some of those when I was young and just learning to explore my
and just learning to explore my
and just learning to explore my sexuality some of those when I was wrong
sexuality some of those when I was wrong
sexuality some of those when I was wrong so that may even have been welcomed but
so that may even have been welcomed but
so that may even have been welcomed but then again I thought all of it was
then again I thought all of it was
then again I thought all of it was welcomed most of it was just in my
welcomed most of it was just in my
welcomed most of it was just in my arrogance in the way I have checked if I
arrogance in the way I have checked if I
arrogance in the way I have checked if I did belittled women most of it was not
did belittled women most of it was not
did belittled women most of it was not really physical or even violent until I
really physical or even violent until I
really physical or even violent until I got married and then it was just words
got married and then it was just words
got married and then it was just words sometimes my words really loud and my
sometimes my words really loud and my
sometimes my words really loud and my size of course so that was like just uh
size of course so that was like just uh
size of course so that was like just uh just that hit mostly just they get no
just that hit mostly just they get no
just that hit mostly just they get no just enough physical stuff in that a
just enough physical stuff in that a
just enough physical stuff in that a great way to put it
great way to put it
great way to put it physical stuff I could be talking about
physical stuff I could be talking about
physical stuff I could be talking about an Olivia newton-john music video just
an Olivia newton-john music video just
an Olivia newton-john music video just enough pushing and grabbing and holding
enough pushing and grabbing and holding
enough pushing and grabbing and holding and hitting that I could get what I
and hitting that I could get what I
and hitting that I could get what I wanted with just a word sometimes with
wanted with just a word sometimes with
wanted with just a word sometimes with just a look worked on the kids too so
just a look worked on the kids too so
just a look worked on the kids too so that’s not really abuse right I mean I
that’s not really abuse right I mean I
that’s not really abuse right I mean I didn’t hit them much it’s certainly less
didn’t hit them much it’s certainly less
didn’t hit them much it’s certainly less I got into the kids that’s better right
I got into the kids that’s better right
I got into the kids that’s better right hey no no that’s not right
hey no no that’s not right
hey no no that’s not right abuse is abuse is abuse and terror is no
abuse is abuse is abuse and terror is no
abuse is abuse is abuse and terror is no better than violence and in some ways it
better than violence and in some ways it
better than violence and in some ways it is worse because it can be it’s hard to
is worse because it can be it’s hard to
is worse because it can be it’s hard to prove and it can be justified and if I
prove and it can be justified and if I
prove and it can be justified and if I can justify his I can just keep right on
can justify his I can just keep right on
can justify his I can just keep right on doing it so I did that and I was ashamed
doing it so I did that and I was ashamed
doing it so I did that and I was ashamed of myself for doing it after a while I
of myself for doing it after a while I
of myself for doing it after a while I got so ashamed that I got into therapy
got so ashamed that I got into therapy
got so ashamed that I got into therapy and that’s where I learned about toxic
and that’s where I learned about toxic
and that’s where I learned about toxic masculinity and I discovered that the
masculinity and I discovered that the
masculinity and I discovered that the life that I was living the one that I
life that I was living the one that I
life that I was living the one that I learned by worth watching
learned by worth watching
learned by worth watching men was toxic and with my therapists
men was toxic and with my therapists
men was toxic and with my therapists help I was able to admit that I was an
help I was able to admit that I was an
help I was able to admit that I was an abuser and I began moving away from that
abuser and I began moving away from that
abuser and I began moving away from that behavior and that was so hard because it
behavior and that was so hard because it
behavior and that was so hard because it was so engrained in me that I default
was so engrained in me that I default
was so engrained in me that I default into it
into it
into it my therapist told me that something like
my therapist told me that something like
my therapist told me that something like 99% of spousal abusers never get
99% of spousal abusers never get
99% of spousal abusers never get prevented and if those that do 99
prevented and if those that do 99
prevented and if those that do 99 percent of them never admit that their
percent of them never admit that their
percent of them never admit that their abusers and my therapist didn’t say this
abusers and my therapist didn’t say this
abusers and my therapist didn’t say this part but I have to believe that of the
part but I have to believe that of the
part but I have to believe that of the ones who admitted their abusers ninety
ones who admitted their abusers ninety
ones who admitted their abusers ninety nine percent of them have never got up
nine percent of them have never got up
nine percent of them have never got up on stage and talk about it and of those
on stage and talk about it and of those
on stage and talk about it and of those people know them just better than me so
people know them just better than me so
people know them just better than me so how are you guys so that took care of
how are you guys so that took care of
how are you guys so that took care of the big obvious fairly undeniable forms
the big obvious fairly undeniable forms
the big obvious fairly undeniable forms of abuse admitting that I’m an abuser
of abuse admitting that I’m an abuser
of abuse admitting that I’m an abuser was hard is hard because every time I do
was hard is hard because every time I do
was hard is hard because every time I do I break my heart I had people who loved
I break my heart I had people who loved
I break my heart I had people who loved me who cared for me who needed me an
me who cared for me who needed me an
me who cared for me who needed me an admired me and I abused them emotionally
admired me and I abused them emotionally
admired me and I abused them emotionally and physically and I was spent the rest
and physically and I was spent the rest
and physically and I was spent the rest of my life making amends for that
of my life making amends for that
of my life making amends for that behavior that’s my home I don’t want
behavior that’s my home I don’t want
behavior that’s my home I don’t want anyone to be afraid of me ever again I
anyone to be afraid of me ever again I
anyone to be afraid of me ever again I can’t say enough about getting your
can’t say enough about getting your
can’t say enough about getting your heart broken by the way I think it’s one
heart broken by the way I think it’s one
heart broken by the way I think it’s one of the greatest gifts that we can
of the greatest gifts that we can
of the greatest gifts that we can receive and I’m not talking about that
receive and I’m not talking about that
receive and I’m not talking about that romantic heart beats nothing on that
romantic heart beats nothing on that
romantic heart beats nothing on that romantic heartbreak is you know
romantic heartbreak is you know
romantic heartbreak is you know star-crossed lovers and scoring defenses
star-crossed lovers and scoring defenses
star-crossed lovers and scoring defenses and longing gazes other women sweat
and longing gazes other women sweat
and longing gazes other women sweat heads and stuff like that that’s how
heads and stuff like that that’s how
heads and stuff like that that’s how about I’m talking about the breaking of
about I’m talking about the breaking of
about I’m talking about the breaking of the
the
the hardened from the heart with a big
hardened from the heart with a big
hardened from the heart with a big defensive crust covering the true tender
defensive crust covering the true tender
defensive crust covering the true tender scent of the soul the kind of heartbreak
scent of the soul the kind of heartbreak
scent of the soul the kind of heartbreak I experienced when I could not stand
I experienced when I could not stand
I experienced when I could not stand Haiti everybody and everything including
Haiti everybody and everything including
Haiti everybody and everything including myself especially myself for one second
myself especially myself for one second
myself especially myself for one second more and I found myself weeping and
more and I found myself weeping and
more and I found myself weeping and saying things like oh my god I am such
saying things like oh my god I am such
saying things like oh my god I am such an asshole and I found people who said
an asshole and I found people who said
an asshole and I found people who said yes I know and I love you anyway and
yes I know and I love you anyway and
yes I know and I love you anyway and eventually one of the people that said
eventually one of the people that said
eventually one of the people that said that to me wasn’t me
that to me wasn’t me
that to me wasn’t me and that’s when I let go of the toxic
and that’s when I let go of the toxic
and that’s when I let go of the toxic and toxic masculinity which meant that I
and toxic masculinity which meant that I
and toxic masculinity which meant that I could listen when someone told me that
could listen when someone told me that
could listen when someone told me that something that I was doing that I
something that I was doing that I
something that I was doing that I thought was perfectly okay was not and
thought was perfectly okay was not and
thought was perfectly okay was not and so I could learn from that and change my
so I could learn from that and change my
so I could learn from that and change my behavior and make amends for that as
behavior and make amends for that as
behavior and make amends for that as well and then I could see that behavior
well and then I could see that behavior
well and then I could see that behavior in others and I could say learn to say
in others and I could say learn to say
in others and I could say learn to say to that know that it’s not okay even if
to that know that it’s not okay even if
to that know that it’s not okay even if the behavior they were doing was not
the behavior they were doing was not
the behavior they were doing was not negatively affecting me because it was
negatively affecting me because it was
negatively affecting me because it was hurting somebody else and that was how I
hurting somebody else and that was how I
hurting somebody else and that was how I healed my broken heart and I discovered
healed my broken heart and I discovered
healed my broken heart and I discovered that my mended heart was stronger more
that my mended heart was stronger more
that my mended heart was stronger more resilient and just plain better than my
resilient and just plain better than my
resilient and just plain better than my crusty old hardened heart and I
crusty old hardened heart and I
crusty old hardened heart and I discovered that I had only as sick as my
discovered that I had only as sick as my
discovered that I had only as sick as my secrets and that’s when I realized I
secrets and that’s when I realized I
secrets and that’s when I realized I needed to get rid of more than just the
needed to get rid of more than just the
needed to get rid of more than just the toxic part of toxic masculinity and that
toxic part of toxic masculinity and that
toxic part of toxic masculinity and that is how I became the spy who came in from
is how I became the spy who came in from
is how I became the spy who came in from the the testosterone or something the
the the testosterone or something the
the the testosterone or something the metaphor really breaks down at this
metaphor really breaks down at this
metaphor really breaks down at this point the hardest thing about talking
point the hardest thing about talking
point the hardest thing about talking like this is right-sizing my behavior on
like this is right-sizing my behavior on
like this is right-sizing my behavior on one hand I don’t want to minimize or
one hand I don’t want to minimize or
one hand I don’t want to minimize or defend anything I did
defend anything I did
defend anything I did and I am aware that the words I use
and I am aware that the words I use
and I am aware that the words I use prompts such negative reactions in some
prompts such negative reactions in some
prompts such negative reactions in some people that I’m afraid that I will be
people that I’m afraid that I will be
people that I’m afraid that I will be shunned and ostracized for talking about
shunned and ostracized for talking about
shunned and ostracized for talking about it not still afraid of that but I don’t
it not still afraid of that but I don’t
it not still afraid of that but I don’t know of any other way of talking about
know of any other way of talking about
know of any other way of talking about this I may have a broader definition of
this I may have a broader definition of
this I may have a broader definition of what constitutes abuse that the popular
what constitutes abuse that the popular
what constitutes abuse that the popular one and certainly not the legal one I
one and certainly not the legal one I
one and certainly not the legal one I can and did defendant might behavior and
can and did defendant might behavior and
can and did defendant might behavior and that’s kind of the point
that’s kind of the point
that’s kind of the point if the stigma admitting an unacceptable
if the stigma admitting an unacceptable
if the stigma admitting an unacceptable behavior is so great that it is safer to
behavior is so great that it is safer to
behavior is so great that it is safer to continue the behavior than to work in
continue the behavior than to work in
continue the behavior than to work in changing it you’re never going to grow
changing it you’re never going to grow
changing it you’re never going to grow as a society you may have also noticed
as a society you may have also noticed
as a society you may have also noticed that I never actually mentioned any of
that I never actually mentioned any of
that I never actually mentioned any of the abuse that I did that was deliberate
the abuse that I did that was deliberate
the abuse that I did that was deliberate I didn’t let any time or energy spent
I didn’t let any time or energy spent
I didn’t let any time or energy spent wondering if what I was talking about
wondering if what I was talking about
wondering if what I was talking about actually was abuse or if you think it’s
actually was abuse or if you think it’s
actually was abuse or if you think it’s some sort of yardstick to measure some
some sort of yardstick to measure some
some sort of yardstick to measure some behavior of yours against if you are
behavior of yours against if you are
behavior of yours against if you are wondering if you might be abusive
wondering if you might be abusive
wondering if you might be abusive please continue wondering and maybe talk
please continue wondering and maybe talk
please continue wondering and maybe talk to somebody about it probably not your
to somebody about it probably not your
to somebody about it probably not your partner because there’s a chance you
partner because there’s a chance you
partner because there’s a chance you won’t get an honest answer from them and
won’t get an honest answer from them and
won’t get an honest answer from them and by the way men are not the only abusers
by the way men are not the only abusers
by the way men are not the only abusers in our society not by a long shot
in our society not by a long shot
in our society not by a long shot if you’re looking for some sort of
if you’re looking for some sort of
if you’re looking for some sort of yardstick you can always use the one
yardstick you can always use the one
yardstick you can always use the one that I use I believe that the proper use
that I use I believe that the proper use
that I use I believe that the proper use of power in interpersonal
of power in interpersonal
of power in interpersonal relationship is the first make things
relationship is the first make things
relationship is the first make things safe for the person with less power not
safe for the person with less power not
safe for the person with less power not to rescue or to stay or to correct or to
to rescue or to stay or to correct or to
to rescue or to stay or to correct or to punish that might be part of it but
punish that might be part of it but
punish that might be part of it but safety first are you being safe do you
safety first are you being safe do you
safety first are you being safe do you feel safe whatever you do whether
feel safe whatever you do whether
feel safe whatever you do whether anything ICF except here is of value or
anything ICF except here is of value or
anything ICF except here is of value or not please be gentle with yourself and
not please be gentle with yourself and
not please be gentle with yourself and with others
with others
with others [Music]
”
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