suppose you’d like to get started changing your life maybe improve your
changing your life maybe improve your
changing your life maybe improve your relationships at work or at home maybe
relationships at work or at home maybe
relationships at work or at home maybe clear some doubt or insecurity where
clear some doubt or insecurity where
clear some doubt or insecurity where would you begin well as a psychiatrist
would you begin well as a psychiatrist
would you begin well as a psychiatrist practicing for over 20 years I can offer
practicing for over 20 years I can offer
practicing for over 20 years I can offer you a powerful and practical tool kit
you a powerful and practical tool kit
you a powerful and practical tool kit along with one very specific suggestion
along with one very specific suggestion
along with one very specific suggestion start with your autobiographical
start with your autobiographical
start with your autobiographical narrative it’s the story you’ve been
narrative it’s the story you’ve been
narrative it’s the story you’ve been telling yourself about who you are and
telling yourself about who you are and
telling yourself about who you are and how everything always plays out it’s
how everything always plays out it’s
how everything always plays out it’s your personal documentary film and if
your personal documentary film and if
your personal documentary film and if you want to change your life
you want to change your life
you want to change your life it needs re-edit you see the problem
it needs re-edit you see the problem
it needs re-edit you see the problem with the film playing in our head is
with the film playing in our head is
with the film playing in our head is that it’s already edited some
that it’s already edited some
that it’s already edited some emotionally difficult scenes are way
emotionally difficult scenes are way
emotionally difficult scenes are way over included just think of all the
over included just think of all the
over included just think of all the things you can’t let go of and other
things you can’t let go of and other
things you can’t let go of and other scenes are deleted such as times when
scenes are deleted such as times when
scenes are deleted such as times when maybe things did go well this personal
maybe things did go well this personal
maybe things did go well this personal documentary becomes our inner truth yet
documentary becomes our inner truth yet
documentary becomes our inner truth yet it’s a distortion from childhood when
it’s a distortion from childhood when
it’s a distortion from childhood when you view it from an adult perspective
you view it from an adult perspective
you view it from an adult perspective you can see that it’s not fair or just
you can see that it’s not fair or just
you can see that it’s not fair or just to ourselves and it’s responsible for
to ourselves and it’s responsible for
to ourselves and it’s responsible for the lion’s share of our ongoing
the lion’s share of our ongoing
the lion’s share of our ongoing suffering causing us to settle for a
suffering causing us to settle for a
suffering causing us to settle for a life far beneath our highest potential
life far beneath our highest potential
life far beneath our highest potential in my clinical experience there’s
in my clinical experience there’s
in my clinical experience there’s actually one central false truth that
actually one central false truth that
actually one central false truth that settles in our minds and it happens at a
settles in our minds and it happens at a
settles in our minds and it happens at a time before we know the difference
time before we know the difference
time before we know the difference between a healthy and and unhealthy
between a healthy and and unhealthy
between a healthy and and unhealthy reaction to something that really scares
reaction to something that really scares
reaction to something that really scares us so we hold on to the wrong conclusion
us so we hold on to the wrong conclusion
us so we hold on to the wrong conclusion but we do so for two very understandable
but we do so for two very understandable
but we do so for two very understandable reasons the first is our fundamental
reasons the first is our fundamental
reasons the first is our fundamental need to feel in control when I was under
need to feel in control when I was under
need to feel in control when I was under four my parents split up since I never
four my parents split up since I never
four my parents split up since I never heard him fighting I naturally convinced
heard him fighting I naturally convinced
heard him fighting I naturally convinced myself that it must be all my fault
myself that it must be all my fault
myself that it must be all my fault because it’s tempting to self-soothe by
because it’s tempting to self-soothe by
because it’s tempting to self-soothe by taking on blame and responsibility
taking on blame and responsibility
taking on blame and responsibility rather than try to struggle with the
rather than try to struggle with the
rather than try to struggle with the fact that life can be unpredictable and
fact that life can be unpredictable and
fact that life can be unpredictable and out of our control
out of our control
out of our control especially as a kid and the second
especially as a kid and the second
especially as a kid and the second reason is that we tend to generalize
reason is that we tend to generalize
reason is that we tend to generalize broadly from very specific circumstances
broadly from very specific circumstances
broadly from very specific circumstances so the kid whose parents don’t seem to
so the kid whose parents don’t seem to
so the kid whose parents don’t seem to notice small achievements may convince
notice small achievements may convince
notice small achievements may convince himself that maybe no one’s ever gonna
himself that maybe no one’s ever gonna
himself that maybe no one’s ever gonna care about anything or in my case the
care about anything or in my case the
care about anything or in my case the false truth that I held to so dearly was
false truth that I held to so dearly was
false truth that I held to so dearly was that just as much as I couldn’t be
that just as much as I couldn’t be
that just as much as I couldn’t be effective in keeping my parents together
effective in keeping my parents together
effective in keeping my parents together I probably couldn’t be effective ad much
I probably couldn’t be effective ad much
I probably couldn’t be effective ad much of anything else and this left me
of anything else and this left me
of anything else and this left me feeling very insecure so can you see the
feeling very insecure so can you see the
feeling very insecure so can you see the worst part about the false truth the
worst part about the false truth the
worst part about the false truth the most costly part of all it’s that it
most costly part of all it’s that it
most costly part of all it’s that it becomes our self-fulfilling prophecy
becomes our self-fulfilling prophecy
becomes our self-fulfilling prophecy the basis of what we expect from
the basis of what we expect from
the basis of what we expect from ourselves in the future so we need to
ourselves in the future so we need to
ourselves in the future so we need to look at this like the author Marilyn
look at this like the author Marilyn
look at this like the author Marilyn Robinson calls it as a mean little myth
Robinson calls it as a mean little myth
Robinson calls it as a mean little myth something we need to get rid of we need
something we need to get rid of we need
something we need to get rid of we need to know our autobiographical narrative
to know our autobiographical narrative
to know our autobiographical narrative and then if we want to prevent it from
and then if we want to prevent it from
and then if we want to prevent it from determining our future we desperately
determining our future we desperately
determining our future we desperately need to do a rillette it but how well as
need to do a rillette it but how well as
need to do a rillette it but how well as they say what’s the best way to get out
they say what’s the best way to get out
they say what’s the best way to get out of a hole it’s to quit digging so we
of a hole it’s to quit digging so we
of a hole it’s to quit digging so we need to do these three things we need to
need to do these three things we need to
need to do these three things we need to be compassionate with ourselves about
be compassionate with ourselves about
be compassionate with ourselves about how this all came into being we need to
how this all came into being we need to
how this all came into being we need to detach from the false truth and we need
detach from the false truth and we need
detach from the false truth and we need to install a new narrative built from a
to install a new narrative built from a
to install a new narrative built from a position of adult strength and vision by
position of adult strength and vision by
position of adult strength and vision by shifting your emotional center of
shifting your emotional center of
shifting your emotional center of gravity you can change your story and
gravity you can change your story and
gravity you can change your story and transform your life now before I give
transform your life now before I give
transform your life now before I give you some of my tools of the trade to use
you some of my tools of the trade to use
you some of my tools of the trade to use let me tell you how this worked out for
let me tell you how this worked out for
let me tell you how this worked out for me I was the insecure little kid my dad
me I was the insecure little kid my dad
me I was the insecure little kid my dad wasn’t around much so my mom had this
wasn’t around much so my mom had this
wasn’t around much so my mom had this idea to send me to a rigorous all-boys
idea to send me to a rigorous all-boys
idea to send me to a rigorous all-boys school so I could get a first-hand sense
school so I could get a first-hand sense
school so I could get a first-hand sense of what I needed for myself as
of what I needed for myself as
of what I needed for myself as young man it was rough I was anxious I
young man it was rough I was anxious I
young man it was rough I was anxious I had a stutter but they’re as
had a stutter but they’re as
had a stutter but they’re as intimidating as it was for me I began to
intimidating as it was for me I began to
intimidating as it was for me I began to experience validation from my teachers
experience validation from my teachers
experience validation from my teachers and coaches they saw something in me and
and coaches they saw something in me and
and coaches they saw something in me and eventually I started to see something
eventually I started to see something
eventually I started to see something different in myself
different in myself
different in myself and as my expectations for myself
and as my expectations for myself
and as my expectations for myself shifted I was able to prove myself wrong
shifted I was able to prove myself wrong
shifted I was able to prove myself wrong if I hadn’t cut away from my mean little
if I hadn’t cut away from my mean little
if I hadn’t cut away from my mean little myth then I’m confident now that I
myth then I’m confident now that I
myth then I’m confident now that I wouldn’t be here with you today and my
wouldn’t be here with you today and my
wouldn’t be here with you today and my 20 years of clinical practice I’ve seen
20 years of clinical practice I’ve seen
20 years of clinical practice I’ve seen this kind of transformation over and
this kind of transformation over and
this kind of transformation over and over again just the other day in my
over again just the other day in my
over again just the other day in my office I was talking to a young woman
office I was talking to a young woman
office I was talking to a young woman who shied away from all adversity
who shied away from all adversity
who shied away from all adversity because she suffered from the false
because she suffered from the false
because she suffered from the false truth that when she fell she couldn’t
truth that when she fell she couldn’t
truth that when she fell she couldn’t pick herself up now she knows that she
pick herself up now she knows that she
pick herself up now she knows that she can and her future looks entirely
can and her future looks entirely
can and her future looks entirely different and better and you know what’s
different and better and you know what’s
different and better and you know what’s really fantastic is it you don’t
really fantastic is it you don’t
really fantastic is it you don’t necessarily need to come see somebody
necessarily need to come see somebody
necessarily need to come see somebody like me to shift your own emotional
like me to shift your own emotional
like me to shift your own emotional center of gravity you can change your
center of gravity you can change your
center of gravity you can change your story and transform your life with a
story and transform your life with a
story and transform your life with a straightforward approach combining three
straightforward approach combining three
straightforward approach combining three therapeutic tools tools that work best
therapeutic tools tools that work best
therapeutic tools tools that work best when used all together like a fork a
when used all together like a fork a
when used all together like a fork a spoon and a knife so here goes
spoon and a knife so here goes
spoon and a knife so here goes number one you start with your narrative
number one you start with your narrative
number one you start with your narrative this is your fork tell yourself your
this is your fork tell yourself your
this is your fork tell yourself your story out loud even try to identify the
story out loud even try to identify the
story out loud even try to identify the central emotional reference point that
central emotional reference point that
central emotional reference point that falls truth what have you been feeding
falls truth what have you been feeding
falls truth what have you been feeding yourself now try to look at it again
yourself now try to look at it again
yourself now try to look at it again from your adult perspective can you see
from your adult perspective can you see
from your adult perspective can you see where to start your read this is
where to start your read this is
where to start your read this is something called narrative therapy and
something called narrative therapy and
something called narrative therapy and you go on and on with it
you go on and on with it
you go on and on with it number two use your spoon what if you
number two use your spoon what if you
number two use your spoon what if you looked at your narrative in a warmer
looked at your narrative in a warmer
looked at your narrative in a warmer light of greater possibility what if you
light of greater possibility what if you
light of greater possibility what if you spooned more of your strengths into the
spooned more of your strengths into the
spooned more of your strengths into the story try to appreciate
story try to appreciate
story try to appreciate more that’s positive about yourself you
more that’s positive about yourself you
more that’s positive about yourself you could try right now such as maybe you
could try right now such as maybe you
could try right now such as maybe you made somebody feel good today this is
made somebody feel good today this is
made somebody feel good today this is something called positive psychology and
something called positive psychology and
something called positive psychology and it’s been proven to help remove blocks
it’s been proven to help remove blocks
it’s been proven to help remove blocks to empowerment and foster more
to empowerment and foster more
to empowerment and foster more self-esteem and number three use your
self-esteem and number three use your
self-esteem and number three use your knife employ a powerful reeling
knife employ a powerful reeling
knife employ a powerful reeling technique called control mastery I know
technique called control mastery I know
technique called control mastery I know many of you might not have heard about
many of you might not have heard about
many of you might not have heard about this yet
this yet
this yet but it has an edge the essential idea is
but it has an edge the essential idea is
but it has an edge the essential idea is that already there are more creditable
that already there are more creditable
that already there are more creditable things for you to notice that you
things for you to notice that you
things for you to notice that you haven’t taken into account so use your
haven’t taken into account so use your
haven’t taken into account so use your knife to cut through your false truth
knife to cut through your false truth
knife to cut through your false truth cut away that that no longer serves you
cut away that that no longer serves you
cut away that that no longer serves you so that you can identify and gather up
so that you can identify and gather up
so that you can identify and gather up all these many exceptions to your
all these many exceptions to your
all these many exceptions to your long-standing rule and then accept that
long-standing rule and then accept that
long-standing rule and then accept that it’s safe now to move on you no longer
it’s safe now to move on you no longer
it’s safe now to move on you no longer have to hold on to that false security
have to hold on to that false security
have to hold on to that false security of that mean little myth so while I know
of that mean little myth so while I know
of that mean little myth so while I know there are many stories and many possible
there are many stories and many possible
there are many stories and many possible revisions for all of us I truly believe
revisions for all of us I truly believe
revisions for all of us I truly believe that there’s one underlying story that
that there’s one underlying story that
that there’s one underlying story that you deserve to identify and rework first
you deserve to identify and rework first
you deserve to identify and rework first above all else notice the distorted
above all else notice the distorted
above all else notice the distorted truths you’ve been feeding yourself pour
truths you’ve been feeding yourself pour
truths you’ve been feeding yourself pour in a more compassionate adult view cut
in a more compassionate adult view cut
in a more compassionate adult view cut away beliefs and ties that undermine you
away beliefs and ties that undermine you
away beliefs and ties that undermine you use your fork knife and spoon together
use your fork knife and spoon together
use your fork knife and spoon together to build your new narrative with vision
to build your new narrative with vision
to build your new narrative with vision and let this become your new
and let this become your new
and let this become your new self-fulfilling prophecy if along the
self-fulfilling prophecy if along the
self-fulfilling prophecy if along the way you should fall prey to negative
way you should fall prey to negative
way you should fall prey to negative self-talk remember to be compassionate
self-talk remember to be compassionate
self-talk remember to be compassionate detach from that and continue on your
detach from that and continue on your
detach from that and continue on your journey because with these tools and
journey because with these tools and
journey because with these tools and these insights applied you can not only
these insights applied you can not only
these insights applied you can not only re-edit your story but you can also
re-edit your story but you can also
re-edit your story but you can also rewrite what will soon become the
rewrite what will soon become the
rewrite what will soon become the history of your future
history of your future
history of your future thank you
”
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