a common phrase that we use is to catch yourself doing something well why is it
yourself doing something well why is it
yourself doing something well why is it important to be able to catch yourself
important to be able to catch yourself
important to be able to catch yourself well the implication is we don’t always
well the implication is we don’t always
well the implication is we don’t always operate with complete mindfulness and in
operate with complete mindfulness and in
operate with complete mindfulness and in moments when we catch ourselves we are
moments when we catch ourselves we are
moments when we catch ourselves we are being more intentional and possibly more
being more intentional and possibly more
being more intentional and possibly more choice driven well I mean what are some
choice driven well I mean what are some
choice driven well I mean what are some of the things you can catch yourself
of the things you can catch yourself
of the things you can catch yourself doing you could catch yourself grinding
doing you could catch yourself grinding
doing you could catch yourself grinding your teeth or catch yourself ruminating
your teeth or catch yourself ruminating
your teeth or catch yourself ruminating over a recent conflict perhaps you could
over a recent conflict perhaps you could
over a recent conflict perhaps you could catch yourself wasting time on social
catch yourself wasting time on social
catch yourself wasting time on social media or catch yourself before saying
media or catch yourself before saying
media or catch yourself before saying something that you’ll regret would you
something that you’ll regret would you
something that you’ll regret would you like to know an important thing that you
like to know an important thing that you
like to know an important thing that you can catch yourself doing that will help
can catch yourself doing that will help
can catch yourself doing that will help you personally and professionally and
you personally and professionally and
you personally and professionally and might even strengthen your relationships
might even strengthen your relationships
might even strengthen your relationships this talk is about how to catch yourself
this talk is about how to catch yourself
this talk is about how to catch yourself being yourself what do we mean by that
being yourself what do we mean by that
being yourself what do we mean by that well we all have ways of being in the
well we all have ways of being in the
well we all have ways of being in the world and sometimes those work for us
world and sometimes those work for us
world and sometimes those work for us but sometimes they work to our detriment
but sometimes they work to our detriment
but sometimes they work to our detriment by keeping us from new insights and
by keeping us from new insights and
by keeping us from new insights and allowing us to repeat unwanted behaviors
allowing us to repeat unwanted behaviors
allowing us to repeat unwanted behaviors in our relationships as a business and
in our relationships as a business and
in our relationships as a business and professional coach I help my clients to
professional coach I help my clients to
professional coach I help my clients to identify those those patterns those
identify those those patterns those
identify those those patterns those mental and behavioral patterns that are
mental and behavioral patterns that are
mental and behavioral patterns that are not helpful and then to catch themselves
not helpful and then to catch themselves
not helpful and then to catch themselves when those patterns reappear in other
when those patterns reappear in other
when those patterns reappear in other words to catch themselves being
words to catch themselves being
words to catch themselves being themselves and then hopefully to act
themselves and then hopefully to act
themselves and then hopefully to act with more mindfulness and to act by
with more mindfulness and to act by
with more mindfulness and to act by choice rather than by unexamined habit
choice rather than by unexamined habit
choice rather than by unexamined habit so today we will talk about how you can
so today we will talk about how you can
so today we will talk about how you can catch yourself being yourself but first
catch yourself being yourself but first
catch yourself being yourself but first I’d like to tell you a story about one
I’d like to tell you a story about one
I’d like to tell you a story about one of my clients I’ve changed the details
of my clients I’ve changed the details
of my clients I’ve changed the details to protect identity so several years ago
to protect identity so several years ago
to protect identity so several years ago I was called in to coach a manager in a
I was called in to coach a manager in a
I was called in to coach a manager in a large corporation and she was in charge
large corporation and she was in charge
large corporation and she was in charge of the purchasing department and the
of the purchasing department and the
of the purchasing department and the managers boss was concerned because more
managers boss was concerned because more
managers boss was concerned because more than one vendor had indicated that they
than one vendor had indicated that they
than one vendor had indicated that they wanted to work with anyone else in the
wanted to work with anyone else in the
wanted to work with anyone else in the department other than my client well so
department other than my client well so
department other than my client well so wanting to help her he called me in
wanting to help her he called me in
wanting to help her he called me in and I was expecting when I talked to him
and I was expecting when I talked to him
and I was expecting when I talked to him that I was going to meet a very
that I was going to meet a very
that I was going to meet a very difficult and combative and brash person
difficult and combative and brash person
difficult and combative and brash person and I was really surprised when I met
and I was really surprised when I met
and I was really surprised when I met this very soft-spoken dutiful and
this very soft-spoken dutiful and
this very soft-spoken dutiful and earnest person and really even after a
earnest person and really even after a
earnest person and really even after a couple of coaching sessions I was
couple of coaching sessions I was
couple of coaching sessions I was wondering where and when is this
wondering where and when is this
wondering where and when is this difficult person going to enter the
difficult person going to enter the
difficult person going to enter the picture well I found out that she
picture well I found out that she
picture well I found out that she communicated with vendors primarily
communicated with vendors primarily
communicated with vendors primarily through email so I read a representative
through email so I read a representative
through email so I read a representative sample of her emails and discovered the
sample of her emails and discovered the
sample of her emails and discovered the problem see her email communication
problem see her email communication
problem see her email communication represented someone who was an extremely
represented someone who was an extremely
represented someone who was an extremely hard bargainer someone who would squeeze
hard bargainer someone who would squeeze
hard bargainer someone who would squeeze the last quarter of a cent out of the
the last quarter of a cent out of the
the last quarter of a cent out of the vendors someone whose sentences often
vendors someone whose sentences often
vendors someone whose sentences often put the other person in a one down or an
put the other person in a one down or an
put the other person in a one down or an inferior position someone who reminded
inferior position someone who reminded
inferior position someone who reminded the vendors of the size of the account
the vendors of the size of the account
the vendors of the size of the account and the likelihood they’d take their
and the likelihood they’d take their
and the likelihood they’d take their business elsewhere if the price demands
business elsewhere if the price demands
business elsewhere if the price demands were not met well no wonder they didn’t
were not met well no wonder they didn’t
were not met well no wonder they didn’t want to work with her see my client saw
want to work with her see my client saw
want to work with her see my client saw herself as the protector of the finances
herself as the protector of the finances
herself as the protector of the finances of the company she was the one who kept
of the company she was the one who kept
of the company she was the one who kept Outsiders from taking advantage of the
Outsiders from taking advantage of the
Outsiders from taking advantage of the company and she thought she would be
company and she thought she would be
company and she thought she would be praised and patted on the back for her
praised and patted on the back for her
praised and patted on the back for her hard bargaining style despite the fact
hard bargaining style despite the fact
hard bargaining style despite the fact that she had several direct and indirect
that she had several direct and indirect
that she had several direct and indirect messages from her boss to the contrary
messages from her boss to the contrary
messages from her boss to the contrary so when I was able to help her
so when I was able to help her
so when I was able to help her understand her boss was not happy then
understand her boss was not happy then
understand her boss was not happy then we began to try to understand why it was
we began to try to understand why it was
we began to try to understand why it was that her default assumptions about her
that her default assumptions about her
that her default assumptions about her role included acting as a protector well
role included acting as a protector well
role included acting as a protector well interestingly she began her career in
interestingly she began her career in
interestingly she began her career in retail and she recalled that in her
retail and she recalled that in her
retail and she recalled that in her former impose
former impose
former impose here eceived the message multiple times
here eceived the message multiple times
here eceived the message multiple times that her number-one job was to protect
that her number-one job was to protect
that her number-one job was to protect the merchandise from shoplifters and
the merchandise from shoplifters and
the merchandise from shoplifters and then secondly to provide good customer
then secondly to provide good customer
then secondly to provide good customer service right and so she was unaware of
service right and so she was unaware of
service right and so she was unaware of how her experiences and therefore her
how her experiences and therefore her
how her experiences and therefore her assumptions had carried over into a new
assumptions had carried over into a new
assumptions had carried over into a new company and and really a completely
company and and really a completely
company and and really a completely different job and so we were able to
different job and so we were able to
different job and so we were able to work with
work with
work with that and try to help her think of a new
that and try to help her think of a new
that and try to help her think of a new way to think about this situation and so
way to think about this situation and so
way to think about this situation and so we came up with the idea of a
we came up with the idea of a
we came up with the idea of a partnership and I encouraged her to work
partnership and I encouraged her to work
partnership and I encouraged her to work with the clients and to work together
with the clients and to work together
with the clients and to work together with them and to help meet the needs of
with them and to help meet the needs of
with them and to help meet the needs of the company and to help the company
the company and to help the company
the company and to help the company fulfill its mission and I reminded her
fulfill its mission and I reminded her
fulfill its mission and I reminded her she could not be successful in her job
she could not be successful in her job
she could not be successful in her job without the vendors and so she agreed to
without the vendors and so she agreed to
without the vendors and so she agreed to okay I will watch my emails and she
okay I will watch my emails and she
okay I will watch my emails and she looked back through her emails before
looked back through her emails before
looked back through her emails before sending them and looked for language of
sending them and looked for language of
sending them and looked for language of a partner rather than language of a
a partner rather than language of a
a partner rather than language of a protector in other words she agreed to
protector in other words she agreed to
protector in other words she agreed to catch herself being herself well do you
catch herself being herself well do you
catch herself being herself well do you think the simple reframe had a positive
think the simple reframe had a positive
think the simple reframe had a positive effect I know it sounds like a fairy
effect I know it sounds like a fairy
effect I know it sounds like a fairy tale into the story but yes it did I
tale into the story but yes it did I
tale into the story but yes it did I mean she reported better interactions
mean she reported better interactions
mean she reported better interactions with the vendors or boss called me said
with the vendors or boss called me said
with the vendors or boss called me said he had noticed some changes and most
he had noticed some changes and most
he had noticed some changes and most surprisingly said that the vendor who
surprisingly said that the vendor who
surprisingly said that the vendor who had been most upset had called and said
had been most upset had called and said
had been most upset had called and said I don’t know what you did but she’s
I don’t know what you did but she’s
I don’t know what you did but she’s great to work with now the reason that
great to work with now the reason that
great to work with now the reason that this reframe worked was because my
this reframe worked was because my
this reframe worked was because my client could understand how her frame
client could understand how her frame
client could understand how her frame her assumptions about her role were
her assumptions about her role were
her assumptions about her role were leading to negative behaviors and so
leading to negative behaviors and so
leading to negative behaviors and so when she had a different frame than she
when she had a different frame than she
when she had a different frame than she could change her behavior and I believe
could change her behavior and I believe
could change her behavior and I believe in this case had she not changed her
in this case had she not changed her
in this case had she not changed her behavior she would have lost her job and
behavior she would have lost her job and
behavior she would have lost her job and she exhibited something that we call
she exhibited something that we call
she exhibited something that we call cognitive agility which is the ability
cognitive agility which is the ability
cognitive agility which is the ability to question your thoughts the ability to
to question your thoughts the ability to
to question your thoughts the ability to think of new ways of framing situations
think of new ways of framing situations
think of new ways of framing situations to reframe and in fact people with
to reframe and in fact people with
to reframe and in fact people with cognitive agility they can see things
cognitive agility they can see things
cognitive agility they can see things the same situation with multiple frames
the same situation with multiple frames
the same situation with multiple frames George Hallenbeck of the center for
George Hallenbeck of the center for
George Hallenbeck of the center for creative leadership says that people who
creative leadership says that people who
creative leadership says that people who have cognitive agility they carry enough
have cognitive agility they carry enough
have cognitive agility they carry enough frames and lenses around with them that
frames and lenses around with them that
frames and lenses around with them that they could open an optometrist shop they
they could open an optometrist shop they
they could open an optometrist shop they frame and they reframe the nature of
frame and they reframe the nature of
frame and they reframe the nature of problems and the outcomes that they’re
problems and the outcomes that they’re
problems and the outcomes that they’re seeking and the
seeking and the
seeking and the searches that may or may not work the
searches that may or may not work the
searches that may or may not work the the problem is that it’s difficult to
the problem is that it’s difficult to
the problem is that it’s difficult to develop cognitive agility it’s because
develop cognitive agility it’s because
develop cognitive agility it’s because our taken-for-granted assumptions our
our taken-for-granted assumptions our
our taken-for-granted assumptions our ways of thinking they’re so natural to
ways of thinking they’re so natural to
ways of thinking they’re so natural to us that it’s sometimes hard to even
us that it’s sometimes hard to even
us that it’s sometimes hard to even identify those mental behavioral
identify those mental behavioral
identify those mental behavioral patterns that are not working for us
patterns that are not working for us
patterns that are not working for us in fact adult development theorist dr.
in fact adult development theorist dr.
in fact adult development theorist dr. Robert Keegan and his associates that
Robert Keegan and his associates that
Robert Keegan and his associates that are from Harvard they say that this
are from Harvard they say that this
are from Harvard they say that this ability to examine are taken for granted
ability to examine are taken for granted
ability to examine are taken for granted assumptions is the hallmark of the adult
assumptions is the hallmark of the adult
assumptions is the hallmark of the adult development process so in other words
development process so in other words
development process so in other words learning to be more self-aware and
learning to be more self-aware and
learning to be more self-aware and learning how to reframe your thoughts is
learning how to reframe your thoughts is
learning how to reframe your thoughts is an important step in your evolution as a
an important step in your evolution as a
an important step in your evolution as a person so how can you learn to catch
person so how can you learn to catch
person so how can you learn to catch yourself being yourself well the first
yourself being yourself well the first
yourself being yourself well the first step is to become more self-aware and
step is to become more self-aware and
step is to become more self-aware and I’ll share three ways of becoming more
I’ll share three ways of becoming more
I’ll share three ways of becoming more self-aware that have worked for my
self-aware that have worked for my
self-aware that have worked for my clients the first is to possibly take
clients the first is to possibly take
clients the first is to possibly take one of the personality assessments that
one of the personality assessments that
one of the personality assessments that are available from coaches and career
are available from coaches and career
are available from coaches and career counselors people in organizational
counselors people in organizational
counselors people in organizational development and sometimes those
development and sometimes those
development and sometimes those assessment results can really help you
assessment results can really help you
assessment results can really help you understand what some of the patterned
understand what some of the patterned
understand what some of the patterned ways of thinking and behaving are wait I
ways of thinking and behaving are wait I
ways of thinking and behaving are wait I know I know I know some people are wary
know I know I know some people are wary
know I know I know some people are wary of these types of assessments you know
of these types of assessments you know
of these types of assessments you know for lots of reasons because human
for lots of reasons because human
for lots of reasons because human behavior is complex and the self-report
behavior is complex and the self-report
behavior is complex and the self-report assessments are just that self-report
assessments are just that self-report
assessments are just that self-report and they don’t measure all the variables
and they don’t measure all the variables
and they don’t measure all the variables I know nevertheless as a coach I have
I know nevertheless as a coach I have
I know nevertheless as a coach I have found them to be very helpful in helping
found them to be very helpful in helping
found them to be very helpful in helping clients increase their self-awareness
clients increase their self-awareness
clients increase their self-awareness and their insight about their patterned
and their insight about their patterned
and their insight about their patterned ways of thinking and behaving another
ways of thinking and behaving another
ways of thinking and behaving another thing that you could do would be to ask
thing that you could do would be to ask
thing that you could do would be to ask for authentic assessment or excuse me
for authentic assessment or excuse me
for authentic assessment or excuse me authentic feedback from others in your
authentic feedback from others in your
authentic feedback from others in your life I assure you that the others in
life I assure you that the others in
life I assure you that the others in your life can identify those ways you
your life can identify those ways you
your life can identify those ways you have of being yourself that sometimes
have of being yourself that sometimes
have of being yourself that sometimes get in your way and after all isn’t
get in your way and after all isn’t
get in your way and after all isn’t being more self-aware
being more self-aware
being more self-aware not only understanding our internal
not only understanding our internal
not only understanding our internal workings but also understanding how we
workings but also understanding how we
workings but also understanding how we come across to other people
come across to other people
come across to other people a third way the
a third way the
a third way the you can increase your self-awareness is
you can increase your self-awareness is
you can increase your self-awareness is for you to examine the metaphors that
for you to examine the metaphors that
for you to examine the metaphors that you use when you’re making sense or
you use when you’re making sense or
you use when you’re making sense or framing situations I mean my client used
framing situations I mean my client used
framing situations I mean my client used the the frame of a protector but it
the the frame of a protector but it
the the frame of a protector but it could also be a victim a caregiver a
could also be a victim a caregiver a
could also be a victim a caregiver a judge rescuer a warrior just to name a
judge rescuer a warrior just to name a
judge rescuer a warrior just to name a few so what are some of those metaphors
few so what are some of those metaphors
few so what are some of those metaphors that you use when you are trying to make
that you use when you are trying to make
that you use when you are trying to make sense of your role in situations well
sense of your role in situations well
sense of your role in situations well one way you can know the answer to that
one way you can know the answer to that
one way you can know the answer to that question would be to listen to how you
question would be to listen to how you
question would be to listen to how you describe your circumstances because our
describe your circumstances because our
describe your circumstances because our language is full of metaphors so for
language is full of metaphors so for
language is full of metaphors so for example if you say he shot down my
example if you say he shot down my
example if you say he shot down my argument or if you say I’m going to have
argument or if you say I’m going to have
argument or if you say I’m going to have to go to battle for our department in
to go to battle for our department in
to go to battle for our department in that next meeting or if you say hey
that next meeting or if you say hey
that next meeting or if you say hey let’s gather around and figure out our
let’s gather around and figure out our
let’s gather around and figure out our next maneuver you could pretty much
next maneuver you could pretty much
next maneuver you could pretty much assume that you’re using a military
assume that you’re using a military
assume that you’re using a military frame in that particular situation but
frame in that particular situation but
frame in that particular situation but the important thing is what does that
the important thing is what does that
the important thing is what does that frame say about your role and your
frame say about your role and your
frame say about your role and your behaviors and what you expect of others
behaviors and what you expect of others
behaviors and what you expect of others behaviors see the reason that these
behaviors see the reason that these
behaviors see the reason that these sense-making metaphors are important is
sense-making metaphors are important is
sense-making metaphors are important is because they have implications for
because they have implications for
because they have implications for behavior so in my clients situation as a
behavior so in my clients situation as a
behavior so in my clients situation as a protector she was determined to keep
protector she was determined to keep
protector she was determined to keep anyone who might lay claim to the assets
anyone who might lay claim to the assets
anyone who might lay claim to the assets of the department or of her company you
of the department or of her company you
of the department or of her company you know at a distance as somebody to be
know at a distance as somebody to be
know at a distance as somebody to be watched over somebody to be suspicious
watched over somebody to be suspicious
watched over somebody to be suspicious of so she needed to be able to we need
of so she needed to be able to we need
of so she needed to be able to we need to be able to question our thoughts and
to be able to question our thoughts and
to be able to question our thoughts and to look for what we call discrepant
to look for what we call discrepant
to look for what we call discrepant evidence which is any evidence that
evidence which is any evidence that
evidence which is any evidence that might cast a shadow of a doubt on our
might cast a shadow of a doubt on our
might cast a shadow of a doubt on our assumptions and she had plenty of
assumptions and she had plenty of
assumptions and she had plenty of instances of discrepant evidence I mean
instances of discrepant evidence I mean
instances of discrepant evidence I mean your boss told her he wasn’t happy with
your boss told her he wasn’t happy with
your boss told her he wasn’t happy with her relationship with the vendors and he
her relationship with the vendors and he
her relationship with the vendors and he gave her a big clue one day when he said
gave her a big clue one day when he said
gave her a big clue one day when he said hey you know everybody’s got to eat
hey you know everybody’s got to eat
hey you know everybody’s got to eat meaning that he thought the vendors were
meaning that he thought the vendors were
meaning that he thought the vendors were worthy of a profit but see she was so
worthy of a profit but see she was so
worthy of a profit but see she was so busy being herself that she could not
busy being herself that she could not
busy being herself that she could not pick up on that discrepant evidence that
pick up on that discrepant evidence that
pick up on that discrepant evidence that challenged her protect her frame but
challenged her protect her frame but
challenged her protect her frame but with the new frame
with the new frame
with the new frame new ways of behaving opened up for her I
new ways of behaving opened up for her I
new ways of behaving opened up for her I mean not only did she check her email
mean not only did she check her email
mean not only did she check her email she figured out you know that partners
she figured out you know that partners
she figured out you know that partners are more likely to talk in person and on
are more likely to talk in person and on
are more likely to talk in person and on the phone when issues arise so she began
the phone when issues arise so she began
the phone when issues arise so she began talking more to the vendors which was a
talking more to the vendors which was a
talking more to the vendors which was a nice step in developing a better
nice step in developing a better
nice step in developing a better relationship I mean my point is with the
relationship I mean my point is with the
relationship I mean my point is with the new frame it was not difficult for her
new frame it was not difficult for her
new frame it was not difficult for her to make those small behavioral shifts
to make those small behavioral shifts
to make those small behavioral shifts that both the vendors and her boss
that both the vendors and her boss
that both the vendors and her boss noticed and appreciated so when you have
noticed and appreciated so when you have
noticed and appreciated so when you have been able to increase your
been able to increase your
been able to increase your self-awareness and you catch yourself
self-awareness and you catch yourself
self-awareness and you catch yourself being yourself then the next step that
being yourself then the next step that
being yourself then the next step that you take is to ask yourself is there an
you take is to ask yourself is there an
you take is to ask yourself is there an alternative frame is there another way
alternative frame is there another way
alternative frame is there another way of looking another metaphor another way
of looking another metaphor another way
of looking another metaphor another way of making sense of what’s going on here
of making sense of what’s going on here
of making sense of what’s going on here and then what does that mean for my
and then what does that mean for my
and then what does that mean for my behavior in my experience as a coach
behavior in my experience as a coach
behavior in my experience as a coach this ability to reframe is one of the
this ability to reframe is one of the
this ability to reframe is one of the most important abilities that you can
most important abilities that you can
most important abilities that you can have I mean with this client and
have I mean with this client and
have I mean with this client and countless others I have seen significant
countless others I have seen significant
countless others I have seen significant behavior shifts great emotional relief
behavior shifts great emotional relief
behavior shifts great emotional relief reduced anger even reduce suffering as a
reduced anger even reduce suffering as a
reduced anger even reduce suffering as a result of the ability to challenge the
result of the ability to challenge the
result of the ability to challenge the current frame and be able to think of
current frame and be able to think of
current frame and be able to think of things a different way so I ask you
things a different way so I ask you
things a different way so I ask you when’s the next time that you will catch
when’s the next time that you will catch
when’s the next time that you will catch yourself being yourself
yourself being yourself
yourself being yourself [Applause]
”
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