the life I had before was full of uncertainty
uncertainty
uncertainty like us porn and a broken hair follicle
like us porn and a broken hair follicle
like us porn and a broken hair follicle they like a vision of Michelangelo’s
they like a vision of Michelangelo’s
they like a vision of Michelangelo’s greatest worth crushed Levis movie
greatest worth crushed Levis movie
greatest worth crushed Levis movie moving one foot forward and the up one
moving one foot forward and the up one
moving one foot forward and the up one stuck back in 1982 in 1985 I took in a
stuck back in 1982 in 1985 I took in a
stuck back in 1982 in 1985 I took in a place called Roxbury a place where
place called Roxbury a place where
place called Roxbury a place where working-class communities did everything
working-class communities did everything
working-class communities did everything they could to provide for their families
they could to provide for their families
they could to provide for their families they pushed their children to keep their
they pushed their children to keep their
they pushed their children to keep their eyes on the prize it’s been an eight
eyes on the prize it’s been an eight
eyes on the prize it’s been an eight year old girl I remember teammate
year old girl I remember teammate
year old girl I remember teammate attention to the graffiti on the walls
attention to the graffiti on the walls
attention to the graffiti on the walls or the broken glass on the ground
or the broken glass on the ground
or the broken glass on the ground breathing the drug dealers doing their
breathing the drug dealers doing their
breathing the drug dealers doing their eyes this for me was spilled my haters
eyes this for me was spilled my haters
eyes this for me was spilled my haters and all the eight-year-old girls will
and all the eight-year-old girls will
and all the eight-year-old girls will come together with their cornrows and
come together with their cornrows and
come together with their cornrows and afro puffs and we would come together
afro puffs and we would come together
afro puffs and we would come together and get ready to to our kids my sign
and get ready to to our kids my sign
and get ready to to our kids my sign Sagittarius back home right because
Sagittarius back home right because
Sagittarius back home right because everyone knows I’m gonna buy a good day
everyone knows I’m gonna buy a good day
everyone knows I’m gonna buy a good day was when the fire hydrants were loose
was when the fire hydrants were loose
was when the fire hydrants were loose and we were able to let the water splash
and we were able to let the water splash
and we were able to let the water splash all over our body Tito Puente
all over our body Tito Puente
all over our body Tito Puente we heard out of the bailiffs home and
we heard out of the bailiffs home and
we heard out of the bailiffs home and too late that Seattle’s reminded us that
too late that Seattle’s reminded us that
too late that Seattle’s reminded us that it was time to get home before the
it was time to get home before the
it was time to get home before the lights came on and then I was told I was
lights came on and then I was told I was
lights came on and then I was told I was going to a new school I would wake up at
going to a new school I would wake up at
going to a new school I would wake up at 4 a.m. in the morning to leave Roxbury
4 a.m. in the morning to leave Roxbury
4 a.m. in the morning to leave Roxbury and head to Shannon Massachusetts the
and head to Shannon Massachusetts the
and head to Shannon Massachusetts the cement started to stop slowly change
cement started to stop slowly change
cement started to stop slowly change into green grass and I knew I was
into green grass and I knew I was
into green grass and I knew I was somewhere different because when I
somewhere different because when I
somewhere different because when I entered the classroom all I could see
entered the classroom all I could see
entered the classroom all I could see was a sea of vanilla faces and there I
was a sea of vanilla faces and there I
was a sea of vanilla faces and there I stood chocolatine assumptions had played
stood chocolatine assumptions had played
stood chocolatine assumptions had played a major part of my life
a major part of my life
a major part of my life and many mistakes my personal journey
and many mistakes my personal journey
and many mistakes my personal journey today I invite you to walk with me down
today I invite you to walk with me down
today I invite you to walk with me down memory lane as I share a few stories
memory lane as I share a few stories
memory lane as I share a few stories that have shaped my journey and shifted
that have shaped my journey and shifted
that have shaped my journey and shifted my perspective the Metropolitan Council
my perspective the Metropolitan Council
my perspective the Metropolitan Council for education opportunity also known as
for education opportunity also known as
for education opportunity also known as the Metro program was designed to help
the Metro program was designed to help
the Metro program was designed to help inner-city students have a broader
inner-city students have a broader
inner-city students have a broader education I was a medical student and
education I was a medical student and
education I was a medical student and for two years I worked on changing my
for two years I worked on changing my
for two years I worked on changing my language enhancing my writing and
language enhancing my writing and
language enhancing my writing and developing my communication skills now
developing my communication skills now
developing my communication skills now my Roxbury friends they definitely could
my Roxbury friends they definitely could
my Roxbury friends they definitely could see the difference they would say things
see the difference they would say things
see the difference they would say things like oh you sound like a white girl
like oh you sound like a white girl
like oh you sound like a white girl George a game of kickball my shouting
George a game of kickball my shouting
George a game of kickball my shouting friends on the other inputs
friends on the other inputs
friends on the other inputs oh my goodness did you see the news did
oh my goodness did you see the news did
oh my goodness did you see the news did you hear about the murder were you there
you hear about the murder were you there
you hear about the murder were you there last week every now and then a few
last week every now and then a few
last week every now and then a few people would say you should feel really
people would say you should feel really
people would say you should feel really grateful for being a part of this
grateful for being a part of this
grateful for being a part of this program and I’m so grateful I could
program and I’m so grateful I could
program and I’m so grateful I could always tell those who are doubting my
always tell those who are doubting my
always tell those who are doubting my potential but it wasn’t always that bad
potential but it wasn’t always that bad
potential but it wasn’t always that bad with time I was able to join a number of
with time I was able to join a number of
with time I was able to join a number of civic groups and really began to find my
civic groups and really began to find my
civic groups and really began to find my book I can’t be me there is nobody like
book I can’t be me there is nobody like
book I can’t be me there is nobody like to meet my preaching floor my destiny as
to meet my preaching floor my destiny as
to meet my preaching floor my destiny as a freshman I entered the University of
a freshman I entered the University of
a freshman I entered the University of Massachusetts Amherst and that 17 years
Massachusetts Amherst and that 17 years
Massachusetts Amherst and that 17 years old I was on a mission to understand who
old I was on a mission to understand who
old I was on a mission to understand who I was but there were a few professors
I was but there were a few professors
I was but there were a few professors who really had a profound influence on
who really had a profound influence on
who really had a profound influence on my life I tell you when I first saw
my life I tell you when I first saw
my life I tell you when I first saw professor Alex de Xiang’s I’ll never
professor Alex de Xiang’s I’ll never
professor Alex de Xiang’s I’ll never forget it because she looked like
forget it because she looked like
forget it because she looked like superwoman with the Cape and she talked
superwoman with the Cape and she talked
superwoman with the Cape and she talked to us about woman icons like Sojourner
to us about woman icons like Sojourner
to us about woman icons like Sojourner Truth then Toni Morrison she reminded us
Truth then Toni Morrison she reminded us
Truth then Toni Morrison she reminded us to use our voices as college females and
to use our voices as college females and
to use our voices as college females and we became very appreciative of Sojourner
we became very appreciative of Sojourner
we became very appreciative of Sojourner truths very popular speech ain’t IA
truths very popular speech ain’t IA
truths very popular speech ain’t IA woman she also challenged us if we did
woman she also challenged us if we did
woman she also challenged us if we did not work hard to try even better that
not work hard to try even better that
not work hard to try even better that next time I would enroll into a course
next time I would enroll into a course
next time I would enroll into a course about identity now this instructor was
about identity now this instructor was
about identity now this instructor was interesting because when I saw her she
interesting because when I saw her she
interesting because when I saw her she has long brown hair a part in the middle
has long brown hair a part in the middle
has long brown hair a part in the middle she definitely looked like she could
she definitely looked like she could
she definitely looked like she could the sixties and again she had a vanilla
the sixties and again she had a vanilla
the sixties and again she had a vanilla face she simply said just call me
face she simply said just call me
face she simply said just call me kaolin and she talked about stories of
kaolin and she talked about stories of
kaolin and she talked about stories of color in them she talked about racism
color in them she talked about racism
color in them she talked about racism and she also experienced her own journey
and she also experienced her own journey
and she also experienced her own journey because she married men of a different
because she married men of a different
because she married men of a different race and had biracial children this
race and had biracial children this
race and had biracial children this instructor really caught my attention
instructor really caught my attention
instructor really caught my attention but how could I ever forget professor
but how could I ever forget professor
but how could I ever forget professor Nicholas McBride the journalism
Nicholas McBride the journalism
Nicholas McBride the journalism department he allowed me to create an
department he allowed me to create an
department he allowed me to create an independent study where I was able to
independent study where I was able to
independent study where I was able to merge art and culture together and I’m
merge art and culture together and I’m
merge art and culture together and I’m sort of Miles Davis i absorb sarabande
sort of Miles Davis i absorb sarabande
sort of Miles Davis i absorb sarabande and dental fix drove I could be found
and dental fix drove I could be found
and dental fix drove I could be found singing blue skies smell let me talk
singing blue skies smell let me talk
singing blue skies smell let me talk about those guys if I see even though I
about those guys if I see even though I
about those guys if I see even though I knew in the 1930s many Americans were
knew in the 1930s many Americans were
knew in the 1930s many Americans were struggling to reach that American dream
struggling to reach that American dream
struggling to reach that American dream but I continued and I really felt like
but I continued and I really felt like
but I continued and I really felt like an archaeologist I got into the elevator
an archaeologist I got into the elevator
an archaeologist I got into the elevator of the UMass Amherst library with all
of the UMass Amherst library with all
of the UMass Amherst library with all the way to the top of the 11th floor and
the way to the top of the 11th floor and
the way to the top of the 11th floor and there I smuggled with four books I read
there I smuggled with four books I read
there I smuggled with four books I read the stories about the separate fountains
the stories about the separate fountains
the stories about the separate fountains I asked myself what would life be like
I asked myself what would life be like
I asked myself what would life be like if I have to sit at the back of the
if I have to sit at the back of the
if I have to sit at the back of the booth
if what ruler King were here today what
if what ruler King were here today what would you say to me
would you say to me
would you say to me whoa I joined the newspaper I spoke on
whoa I joined the newspaper I spoke on
whoa I joined the newspaper I spoke on the radio and I even began to create
the radio and I even began to create
the radio and I even began to create different types of social groups I
different types of social groups I
different types of social groups I started to try to answer that question
started to try to answer that question
started to try to answer that question and I began to write rational minds eats
and I began to write rational minds eats
and I began to write rational minds eats with B plus oppressed with intricate
with B plus oppressed with intricate
with B plus oppressed with intricate weaves of hatred questioning tools that
weaves of hatred questioning tools that
weaves of hatred questioning tools that food from your external or internal you
food from your external or internal you
food from your external or internal you tell me you lying lips for baby wet
tell me you lying lips for baby wet
tell me you lying lips for baby wet softly sleeping from the dry stretch
softly sleeping from the dry stretch
softly sleeping from the dry stretch dripping down the corner of your lips
dripping down the corner of your lips
dripping down the corner of your lips crocodile wonder as you say I’m sorry
crocodile wonder as you say I’m sorry
crocodile wonder as you say I’m sorry but sorry don’t cut the game-droid
but sorry don’t cut the game-droid
but sorry don’t cut the game-droid babies I was burning for answers and my
babies I was burning for answers and my
babies I was burning for answers and my college experience was truly eye-opening
college experience was truly eye-opening
college experience was truly eye-opening I resolved that I would offer what
I resolved that I would offer what
I resolved that I would offer what Professor Deschamps kaolin and mr.
Professor Deschamps kaolin and mr.
Professor Deschamps kaolin and mr. Nicholas McBride did for me that was the
Nicholas McBride did for me that was the
Nicholas McBride did for me that was the gift of self-discovery many years later
gift of self-discovery many years later
gift of self-discovery many years later I took the college years behind me I
I took the college years behind me I
I took the college years behind me I didn’t reach my American dream I had the
didn’t reach my American dream I had the
didn’t reach my American dream I had the two cars the house and even a jet for
two cars the house and even a jet for
two cars the house and even a jet for cookouts but after three years I started
cookouts but after three years I started
cookouts but after three years I started having excruciating pains and these
having excruciating pains and these
having excruciating pains and these pains are so bad that I could be found
pains are so bad that I could be found
pains are so bad that I could be found on the floor it is curled up position
on the floor it is curled up position
on the floor it is curled up position for two years I went to doctors trying
for two years I went to doctors trying
for two years I went to doctors trying to find the answers to my problems and
to find the answers to my problems and
to find the answers to my problems and finally a doctor said Ilana you have
finally a doctor said Ilana you have
finally a doctor said Ilana you have endometriosis I said what no
endometriosis I said what no
endometriosis I said what no endometriosis
endometriosis
endometriosis condition where the uterine lining which
condition where the uterine lining which
condition where the uterine lining which would normally be the spell during a
would normally be the spell during a
would normally be the spell during a flow begins to grow in other areas
flow begins to grow in other areas
flow begins to grow in other areas within your body symptoms include
within your body symptoms include
within your body symptoms include extreme pain and also a challenge with
extreme pain and also a challenge with
extreme pain and also a challenge with giving birth when I heard this diagnosis
giving birth when I heard this diagnosis
giving birth when I heard this diagnosis I felt stunted I mean I assumed that to
I felt stunted I mean I assumed that to
I felt stunted I mean I assumed that to be a bull I had to have three children
be a bull I had to have three children
be a bull I had to have three children by the age of 35 you see for five years
by the age of 35 you see for five years
by the age of 35 you see for five years I began to ask myself why did I have
I began to ask myself why did I have
I began to ask myself why did I have this quick this condition for five years
this quick this condition for five years
this quick this condition for five years I stopped writing
I stopped writing
I stopped writing I stopped creating and I stopped
I stopped creating and I stopped
I stopped creating and I stopped initiating anything new I even hated
initiating anything new I even hated
initiating anything new I even hated going to parties where I could find
going to parties where I could find
going to parties where I could find other woman I went to this one party
other woman I went to this one party
other woman I went to this one party this woman came up to me with her hands
this woman came up to me with her hands
this woman came up to me with her hands open wide and she said I felt dejected
open wide and she said I felt dejected
open wide and she said I felt dejected and confused around 2:00 a.m. in the
and confused around 2:00 a.m. in the
and confused around 2:00 a.m. in the morning I laid in my bed with my head
morning I laid in my bed with my head
morning I laid in my bed with my head looking at the ceiling saying why did
looking at the ceiling saying why did
looking at the ceiling saying why did all of these things happen to me I think
all of these things happen to me I think
all of these things happen to me I think why did this Pablo have to interrupt my
why did this Pablo have to interrupt my
why did this Pablo have to interrupt my friends I know you’ve been through all
friends I know you’ve been through all
friends I know you’ve been through all of these things I know the pain you have
of these things I know the pain you have
of these things I know the pain you have a daughter what would life be like if
a daughter what would life be like if
a daughter what would life be like if you only had 100
you only had 100
you only had 100 days to live I planted some water and a
days to live I planted some water and a
days to live I planted some water and a song came to mind you’ve gotta learn
song came to mind you’ve gotta learn
song came to mind you’ve gotta learn this new line
this new line
this new line not my life you happy for some what
not my life you happy for some what
not my life you happy for some what would you do it 120 days
something with babies immediately
something with babies immediately shifted I woke up the next morning I
shifted I woke up the next morning I
shifted I woke up the next morning I pulled out journals that I had tucked of
pulled out journals that I had tucked of
pulled out journals that I had tucked of my closet for 14 years and I got in my
my closet for 14 years and I got in my
my closet for 14 years and I got in my car and drove to Starbucks and there I
car and drove to Starbucks and there I
car and drove to Starbucks and there I began to write my first self-help book
began to write my first self-help book
began to write my first self-help book tomorrow can’t wait I decided I would
tomorrow can’t wait I decided I would
tomorrow can’t wait I decided I would birth a new me and I resolved that I
birth a new me and I resolved that I
birth a new me and I resolved that I would be happy just this past month I
would be happy just this past month I
would be happy just this past month I had the opportunity to share my story
had the opportunity to share my story
had the opportunity to share my story with a group of woman at the climates
with a group of woman at the climates
with a group of woman at the climates where branch of the box of public
where branch of the box of public
where branch of the box of public library I saw the Nilla faces I saw
library I saw the Nilla faces I saw
library I saw the Nilla faces I saw marine places pecan faces and I shared
marine places pecan faces and I shared
marine places pecan faces and I shared my story at the end of my workshop I
my story at the end of my workshop I
my story at the end of my workshop I looked up and saw a 30 year old woman
looked up and saw a 30 year old woman
looked up and saw a 30 year old woman coming up to me she had tears in her
coming up to me she had tears in her
coming up to me she had tears in her eyes and she said to me you have changed
eyes and she said to me you have changed
eyes and she said to me you have changed my life today if you did not decide to
my life today if you did not decide to
my life today if you did not decide to do this I would never have been able to
do this I would never have been able to
do this I would never have been able to hear your story in that moment I felt
hear your story in that moment I felt
hear your story in that moment I felt her for two minutes and I knew within
her for two minutes and I knew within
her for two minutes and I knew within her a happened what would you do if
her a happened what would you do if
her a happened what would you do if you only had 120 days or to do something
you only had 120 days or to do something
you only had 120 days or to do something new but you just kept putting it off
new but you just kept putting it off
new but you just kept putting it off perhaps you told yourself it’s too late
perhaps you told yourself it’s too late
perhaps you told yourself it’s too late now so much time as God mine what I
now so much time as God mine what I
now so much time as God mine what I would like to leave you with these three
would like to leave you with these three
would like to leave you with these three blocks another one what would happen if
blocks another one what would happen if
blocks another one what would happen if you were able to wipe the slate
you were able to wipe the slate
you were able to wipe the slate you know start completely over and
you know start completely over and
you know start completely over and forgive yourself for the many years that
forgive yourself for the many years that
forgive yourself for the many years that you may have developed resentment number
you may have developed resentment number
you may have developed resentment number two how about revisiting some of the
two how about revisiting some of the
two how about revisiting some of the goals that you have for yourself we
goals that you have for yourself we
goals that you have for yourself we cannot fully appreciate a butterfly
cannot fully appreciate a butterfly
cannot fully appreciate a butterfly unless we understand the caterpillar
unless we understand the caterpillar
unless we understand the caterpillar that it was truly change takes process
that it was truly change takes process
that it was truly change takes process and lastly we can all be reminded of
and lastly we can all be reminded of
and lastly we can all be reminded of that eight-year-old within us that
that eight-year-old within us that
that eight-year-old within us that challenges us to live with birth birth
challenges us to live with birth birth
challenges us to live with birth birth and excitement with the goal of becoming
and excitement with the goal of becoming
and excitement with the goal of becoming at bestsellers you see 120 days is the
at bestsellers you see 120 days is the
at bestsellers you see 120 days is the idea that we can all live our lives with
idea that we can all live our lives with
idea that we can all live our lives with a sense of urgency normal motivational
a sense of urgency normal motivational
a sense of urgency normal motivational speaker Les Brown says that the richest
speaker Les Brown says that the richest
speaker Les Brown says that the richest place on earth is in the grave where
place on earth is in the grave where
place on earth is in the grave where people have buried their talents and
people have buried their talents and
people have buried their talents and their gifts but that does not have to be
their gifts but that does not have to be
their gifts but that does not have to be you so I encourage you to have what I
you so I encourage you to have what I
you so I encourage you to have what I call eyes find moments of stillness
call eyes find moments of stillness
call eyes find moments of stillness because you might be amazed at just what
because you might be amazed at just what
because you might be amazed at just what you discover because you’ve gotta let
you discover because you’ve gotta let
you discover because you’ve gotta let this be love not live like you’ve had
this be love not live like you’ve had
this be love not live like you’ve had before so what would you do with 120
before so what would you do with 120
before so what would you do with 120 days
”
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