– here speaks German okay we can do a bit more who speaks German who speaks
bit more who speaks German who speaks
bit more who speaks German who speaks English who speaks Irish English
English who speaks Irish English
English who speaks Irish English no worries when you don’t understand
no worries when you don’t understand
no worries when you don’t understand something don’t worry I don’t understand
something don’t worry I don’t understand
something don’t worry I don’t understand everything either no problem when I
everything either no problem when I
everything either no problem when I first came to Germany I didn’t speak any
first came to Germany I didn’t speak any
first came to Germany I didn’t speak any German and so but most people here speak
German and so but most people here speak
German and so but most people here speak pretty good English the only problem was
pretty good English the only problem was
pretty good English the only problem was nobody understood my perfect Irish
nobody understood my perfect Irish
nobody understood my perfect Irish English I had to learn how to speak
English I had to learn how to speak
English I had to learn how to speak slowly clearly and with enunciation all
slowly clearly and with enunciation all
slowly clearly and with enunciation all at the same time unbelievable my English
at the same time unbelievable my English
at the same time unbelievable my English improved in Germany the only problem is
improved in Germany the only problem is
improved in Germany the only problem is when I spoke to my mother she said what
when I spoke to my mother she said what
when I spoke to my mother she said what is wrong with you did you have a stroke
is wrong with you did you have a stroke
is wrong with you did you have a stroke so I’m from Ireland and Ireland is a
so I’m from Ireland and Ireland is a
so I’m from Ireland and Ireland is a great country Ireland is the home of
great country Ireland is the home of
great country Ireland is the home of Guinness Irish pubs and alcoholics you
Guinness Irish pubs and alcoholics you
Guinness Irish pubs and alcoholics you might think I’m joking but they did a
might think I’m joking but they did a
might think I’m joking but they did a survey two years ago and 2/3 of all
survey two years ago and 2/3 of all
survey two years ago and 2/3 of all Irish people are alcoholics I was
Irish people are alcoholics I was
Irish people are alcoholics I was shocked I didn’t realize that so many
shocked I didn’t realize that so many
shocked I didn’t realize that so many were sober I’ve only said no once to a
were sober I’ve only said no once to a
were sober I’ve only said no once to a drink in my life and that’s when I
drink in my life and that’s when I
drink in my life and that’s when I didn’t understand the question in some
didn’t understand the question in some
didn’t understand the question in some countries you could date people died
countries you could date people died
countries you could date people died with a thirst in Ireland we’re born with
with a thirst in Ireland we’re born with
with a thirst in Ireland we’re born with a thirst my would like to make a toast
a thirst my would like to make a toast
a thirst my would like to make a toast to my uncle he says that you should only
to my uncle he says that you should only
to my uncle he says that you should only stop drinking when you cannot spell your
stop drinking when you cannot spell your
stop drinking when you cannot spell your name backwards I would like to make it
name backwards I would like to make it
name backwards I would like to make it toast to Uncle Bob
anyone here ever been to Ireland yes yes
anyone here ever been to Ireland yes yes yes good cuckoo Ireland is a very very
yes good cuckoo Ireland is a very very
yes good cuckoo Ireland is a very very Catholic country Ireland is so Catholic
Catholic country Ireland is so Catholic
Catholic country Ireland is so Catholic Jesus would have been wanted to be born
Jesus would have been wanted to be born
Jesus would have been wanted to be born there but we couldn’t find three wise
there but we couldn’t find three wise
there but we couldn’t find three wise men or a virgin my family wanted me to
men or a virgin my family wanted me to
men or a virgin my family wanted me to stay in Ireland they wanted me to stay
stay in Ireland they wanted me to stay
stay in Ireland they wanted me to stay at home and marry somebody who has the
at home and marry somebody who has the
at home and marry somebody who has the same beliefs as damn but why would I
same beliefs as damn but why would I
same beliefs as damn but why would I marry someone who also thinks I’m an
marry someone who also thinks I’m an
marry someone who also thinks I’m an idiot and then I came to munich munich
idiot and then I came to munich munich
idiot and then I came to munich munich airport and i saw the big german flag
airport and i saw the big german flag
airport and i saw the big german flag with the big eagle and the big text
with the big eagle and the big text
with the big eagle and the big text welcome to the B or D B or D I asked the
welcome to the B or D B or D I asked the
welcome to the B or D B or D I asked the policeman I said what does B or D stand
policeman I said what does B or D stand
policeman I said what does B or D stand for he said very simple Bavaria and the
for he said very simple Bavaria and the
for he said very simple Bavaria and the rest of die flat
rest of die flat
rest of die flat [Applause]
[Applause]
[Applause] wherever I land he said you’d landed in
wherever I land he said you’d landed in
wherever I land he said you’d landed in Bavaria near Germany but then he asked
Bavaria near Germany but then he asked
Bavaria near Germany but then he asked me the policeman asked me he said what
me the policeman asked me he said what
me the policeman asked me he said what are you doing in Germany most English
are you doing in Germany most English
are you doing in Germany most English people have a problem with us Germans I
people have a problem with us Germans I
people have a problem with us Germans I said well there’s two things one I’m not
said well there’s two things one I’m not
said well there’s two things one I’m not English – we don’t have a problem with
English – we don’t have a problem with
English – we don’t have a problem with anyone except the English but I said we
anyone except the English but I said we
anyone except the English but I said we don’t no problem with anyone just give
don’t no problem with anyone just give
don’t no problem with anyone just give you a little bit of Irish history many
you a little bit of Irish history many
you a little bit of Irish history many many years ago the English came to
many years ago the English came to
many years ago the English came to Ireland many many years they stayed but
Ireland many many years they stayed but
Ireland many many years they stayed but it was a happy ending they left but to
it was a happy ending they left but to
it was a happy ending they left but to summarize we use them – like the English
summarize we use them – like the English
summarize we use them – like the English but now all that’s changed nowadays we
but now all that’s changed nowadays we
but now all that’s changed nowadays we still don’t like them but anyway so a
still don’t like them but anyway so a
still don’t like them but anyway so a few years ago the Queen of England came
few years ago the Queen of England came
few years ago the Queen of England came to Ireland and some people really really
to Ireland and some people really really
to Ireland and some people really really wanted her to come some people really
wanted her to come some people really
wanted her to come some people really really didn’t want her to come for most
really didn’t want her to come for most
really didn’t want her to come for most of us we didn’t really care anyway she
of us we didn’t really care anyway she
of us we didn’t really care anyway she came she went luckily she wasn’t sure
came she went luckily she wasn’t sure
came she went luckily she wasn’t sure she wasn’t bombed and she wasn’t mooned
she wasn’t bombed and she wasn’t mooned
she wasn’t bombed and she wasn’t mooned but then we had a financial crisis in
but then we had a financial crisis in
but then we had a financial crisis in Ireland we needed money we needed lots
Ireland we needed money we needed lots
Ireland we needed money we needed lots of money for beer the first country that
of money for beer the first country that
of money for beer the first country that gave us money was England well they
gave us money was England well they
gave us money was England well they didn’t really give it to us they give it
didn’t really give it to us they give it
didn’t really give it to us they give it as a very high interest rate but they
as a very high interest rate but they
as a very high interest rate but they are English you can’t expect too much
are English you can’t expect too much
are English you can’t expect too much but then it’s like is it a Natalia and
but then it’s like is it a Natalia and
but then it’s like is it a Natalia and Spanish and the Portuguese guy went into
Spanish and the Portuguese guy went into
Spanish and the Portuguese guy went into a bordello
a bordello
a bordello who would pay Germany but then I came to
who would pay Germany but then I came to
who would pay Germany but then I came to Munich a Munich is a great great city he
Munich a Munich is a great great city he
Munich a Munich is a great great city he was sick Hamburg Mars the most livable
was sick Hamburg Mars the most livable
was sick Hamburg Mars the most livable city most livable place in the world is
city most livable place in the world is
city most livable place in the world is Munich
Munich is a great city it’s so clean
Munich is a great city it’s so clean it’s so safe and more importantly the
it’s so safe and more importantly the
it’s so safe and more importantly the bars are open all night and of course
bars are open all night and of course
bars are open all night and of course you have the English gardens and there’s
you have the English gardens and there’s
you have the English gardens and there’s loads of naked people unfortunately most
loads of naked people unfortunately most
loads of naked people unfortunately most of them are as old as the Queen of
of them are as old as the Queen of
of them are as old as the Queen of England sorry sir I don’t want to be too
England sorry sir I don’t want to be too
England sorry sir I don’t want to be too harsh on the English but also Irish
harsh on the English but also Irish
harsh on the English but also Irish English we can’t have a special
English we can’t have a special
English we can’t have a special relationship I mean the English have
relationship I mean the English have
relationship I mean the English have made some great great contributions to
made some great great contributions to
made some great great contributions to the world
the world
the world for example English language the minicar
for example English language the minicar
for example English language the minicar and football the only thing is nowadays
and football the only thing is nowadays
and football the only thing is nowadays who speaks English better the Irish who
who speaks English better the Irish who
who speaks English better the Irish who makes the mini car better
makes the mini car better
makes the mini car better the Germans and who plays football
the Germans and who plays football
the Germans and who plays football better everybody but then what age are
better everybody but then what age are
better everybody but then what age are people here in the room is there anyone
people here in the room is there anyone
people here in the room is there anyone here under 30 years of age give us a
here under 30 years of age give us a
here under 30 years of age give us a cheer come on give us a cheer I do
cheer come on give us a cheer I do
cheer come on give us a cheer I do another 30 oh you’ve got so much hope
another 30 oh you’ve got so much hope
another 30 oh you’ve got so much hope and energy in the bounce in your step I
and energy in the bounce in your step I
and energy in the bounce in your step I hate you guys is there anyone here
hate you guys is there anyone here
hate you guys is there anyone here between 30 and 40 anyone here over 40
between 30 and 40 anyone here over 40
between 30 and 40 anyone here over 40 well done guys we’re still breathing a
well done guys we’re still breathing a
well done guys we’re still breathing a few months ago a few weeks ago I had my
few months ago a few weeks ago I had my
few months ago a few weeks ago I had my birthday my 44th birthday and I asked my
birthday my 44th birthday and I asked my
birthday my 44th birthday and I asked my girlfriend I said do you think I’m
girlfriend I said do you think I’m
girlfriend I said do you think I’m getting older and she said well Liz what
getting older and she said well Liz what
getting older and she said well Liz what do you mean where she says well when you
do you mean where she says well when you
do you mean where she says well when you get out of the bed in the morning when
get out of the bed in the morning when
get out of the bed in the morning when you stand up you sound like a coffee
you stand up you sound like a coffee
you stand up you sound like a coffee machine a coffee machine yeah
ah I turned on the coffee machine and
ah I turned on the coffee machine and you know what she’s right the only thing
you know what she’s right the only thing
you know what she’s right the only thing is I said I don’t leave behind any
is I said I don’t leave behind any
is I said I don’t leave behind any coffee or liquids she said no not yet
coffee or liquids she said no not yet
coffee or liquids she said no not yet I work in i.t i.t it isn’t a great
I work in i.t i.t it isn’t a great
I work in i.t i.t it isn’t a great industry modern technology changing the
industry modern technology changing the
industry modern technology changing the world as we know it just changing the
world as we know it just changing the
world as we know it just changing the future of wonderful wonderful but I was
future of wonderful wonderful but I was
future of wonderful wonderful but I was reading recently somewhere that 70% of
reading recently somewhere that 70% of
reading recently somewhere that 70% of IT projects end in failure
IT projects end in failure
IT projects end in failure 70% where else could we be so in an
70% where else could we be so in an
70% where else could we be so in an industry with such a high rate of
industry with such a high rate of
industry with such a high rate of failure and yet be so proud but I love
failure and yet be so proud but I love
failure and yet be so proud but I love my technology for example my I products
my technology for example my I products
my technology for example my I products a few months ago I saw the Steve Jobs
a few months ago I saw the Steve Jobs
a few months ago I saw the Steve Jobs movie and the Steve Jobs stole all his
movie and the Steve Jobs stole all his
movie and the Steve Jobs stole all his ideas from all around them for example I
ideas from all around them for example I
ideas from all around them for example I products he stole that idea from the
products he stole that idea from the
products he stole that idea from the Romans Romans yes veni vidi vici I came
Romans Romans yes veni vidi vici I came
Romans Romans yes veni vidi vici I came I saw I conquered I products anyway
I saw I conquered I products anyway
I saw I conquered I products anyway luckily he wasn’t Scottish otherwise
luckily he wasn’t Scottish otherwise
luckily he wasn’t Scottish otherwise we’d have the I I phone or the I I pad
we’d have the I I phone or the I I pad
we’d have the I I phone or the I I pad anyway my girlfriend she loves the I
anyway my girlfriend she loves the I
anyway my girlfriend she loves the I products she has the iPhone the iPad and
products she has the iPhone the iPad and
products she has the iPhone the iPad and I paid but I also have the iPhone and
I paid but I also have the iPhone and
I paid but I also have the iPhone and the iPhone it’s a great piece of kit
the iPhone it’s a great piece of kit
the iPhone it’s a great piece of kit it’s a wonderful wonderful phone it’s
it’s a wonderful wonderful phone it’s
it’s a wonderful wonderful phone it’s got great design it’s got great
got great design it’s got great
got great design it’s got great functionality but my goodness it’s just
functionality but my goodness it’s just
functionality but my goodness it’s just so expensive it’s just so expensive I am
so expensive it’s just so expensive I am
so expensive it’s just so expensive I am terrified of damaging and are scratching
terrified of damaging and are scratching
terrified of damaging and are scratching it so I have to cover it in plastic all
it so I have to cover it in plastic all
it so I have to cover it in plastic all the time it’s like eating a Barrett
the time it’s like eating a Barrett
the time it’s like eating a Barrett chocolate with a wrapper on having a
chocolate with a wrapper on having a
chocolate with a wrapper on having a bath with your socks on and then there
bath with your socks on and then there
bath with your socks on and then there was last week I left the phone off I was
was last week I left the phone off I was
was last week I left the phone off I was walking down I left the plastic off the
walking down I left the plastic off the
walking down I left the plastic off the phone I were walking down the street my
phone I were walking down the street my
phone I were walking down the street my tripped on the curb and the phone fell
tripped on the curb and the phone fell
tripped on the curb and the phone fell out of the ground and I heard a crack
out of the ground and I heard a crack
out of the ground and I heard a crack and the phone is just so expensive when
and the phone is just so expensive when
and the phone is just so expensive when I heard a crack I
I heard a crack I
I heard a crack I please God let up be my Lake then I came
please God let up be my Lake then I came
please God let up be my Lake then I came I started working in Germany and Germany
I started working in Germany and Germany
I started working in Germany and Germany from Ireland is is it’s a little bit
from Ireland is is it’s a little bit
from Ireland is is it’s a little bit different in terms of work for example
different in terms of work for example
different in terms of work for example the first day my boss first week my boss
the first day my boss first week my boss
the first day my boss first week my boss said to me he said you know what time we
said to me he said you know what time we
said to me he said you know what time we start out here in the morning no idea
start out here in the morning no idea
start out here in the morning no idea I’ve never been here that early Dani
I’ve never been here that early Dani
I’ve never been here that early Dani said hey you’ve been late five times
said hey you’ve been late five times
said hey you’ve been late five times this week do you know what that means
this week do you know what that means
this week do you know what that means yeah it’s Friday and then I was underway
yeah it’s Friday and then I was underway
yeah it’s Friday and then I was underway in the second week I was underway to
in the second week I was underway to
in the second week I was underway to work I was under waiting for the train
work I was under waiting for the train
work I was under waiting for the train and the train was a little bit late and
and the train was a little bit late and
and the train was a little bit late and there was all these people getting
there was all these people getting
there was all these people getting excited on the truck on the phone or if
excited on the truck on the phone or if
excited on the truck on the phone or if the phone is late to foot the train is
the phone is late to foot the train is
the phone is late to foot the train is late the train is late to train as I the
late the train is late to train as I the
late the train is late to train as I the train was two minutes late this would
train was two minutes late this would
train was two minutes late this would never happen in Ireland we don’t have
never happen in Ireland we don’t have
never happen in Ireland we don’t have any trains and then the train came it
any trains and then the train came it
any trains and then the train came it was just a big huge crowd of people it
was just a big huge crowd of people it
was just a big huge crowd of people it was all the pushing and the shoving in
was all the pushing and the shoving in
was all the pushing and the shoving in their heads and open go for the gap and
their heads and open go for the gap and
their heads and open go for the gap and that’s just the grandmothers in Ireland
that’s just the grandmothers in Ireland
that’s just the grandmothers in Ireland that would never happen it’s just like
that would never happen it’s just like
that would never happen it’s just like no you go first no no you go first
no you go first no no you go first
no you go first no no you go first no no no you go first no wonder we never
no no no you go first no wonder we never
no no no you go first no wonder we never get anything done and another difference
get anything done and another difference
get anything done and another difference in Ireland and here is on the train in
in Ireland and here is on the train in
in Ireland and here is on the train in Ireland we are afraid of eye contact
Ireland we are afraid of eye contact
Ireland we are afraid of eye contact because in Ireland if somebody looked at
because in Ireland if somebody looked at
because in Ireland if somebody looked at you for longer than two seconds
you for longer than two seconds
you for longer than two seconds it means they either want to give you a
it means they either want to give you a
it means they either want to give you a kiss a hit or both and so in all and
kiss a hit or both and so in all and
kiss a hit or both and so in all and nobody ever looked at me especially not
nobody ever looked at me especially not
nobody ever looked at me especially not the women but in the train in Germany
the women but in the train in Germany
the women but in the train in Germany all the attractive German girls were
all the attractive German girls were
all the attractive German girls were looking at me why wouldn’t they but only
looking at me why wouldn’t they but only
looking at me why wouldn’t they but only problem was all the attractive German
problem was all the attractive German
problem was all the attractive German men were looking at me too then I was
men were looking at me too then I was
men were looking at me too then I was sitting at lunchtime and in Ireland when
sitting at lunchtime and in Ireland when
sitting at lunchtime and in Ireland when you sit at lunchtime it’s just so loud
you sit at lunchtime it’s just so loud
you sit at lunchtime it’s just so loud it’s just everybody starts talking about
it’s just everybody starts talking about
it’s just everybody starts talking about all these topics and this just
all these topics and this just
all these topics and this just straightaway it’s noise noise noise but
straightaway it’s noise noise noise but
straightaway it’s noise noise noise but in Germany
silence I can’t act silence then comes
silence I can’t act silence then comes the first topic and then it’s finished
the first topic and then it’s finished
the first topic and then it’s finished and then again silence I can’t act I
and then again silence I can’t act I
and then again silence I can’t act I didn’t know what was wrong and now I
didn’t know what was wrong and now I
didn’t know what was wrong and now I know what it is they are actually
know what it is they are actually
know what it is they are actually thinking about what they were going to
thinking about what they were going to
thinking about what they were going to say before they actually said it this
say before they actually said it this
say before they actually said it this was a completely new concept for me I
was a completely new concept for me I
was a completely new concept for me I only know what I’m thinking about when
only know what I’m thinking about when
only know what I’m thinking about when I’ve heard myself say it so then I
I’ve heard myself say it so then I
I’ve heard myself say it so then I realize I needed to learn German but
realize I needed to learn German but
realize I needed to learn German but German is not so easy for us Irish we
German is not so easy for us Irish we
German is not so easy for us Irish we have the international reputation for
have the international reputation for
have the international reputation for being stupid there’s many reasons for
being stupid there’s many reasons for
being stupid there’s many reasons for this the main one
this the main one
this the main one it’s true last week fifteen Irish people
it’s true last week fifteen Irish people
it’s true last week fifteen Irish people were drowned in Dublin they were doing
were drowned in Dublin they were doing
were drowned in Dublin they were doing Riverdance
Riverdance
Riverdance so what do you call somebody who speaks
so what do you call somebody who speaks
so what do you call somebody who speaks two languages bilingual somebody who
two languages bilingual somebody who
two languages bilingual somebody who speaks three languages trilingual and
speaks three languages trilingual and
speaks three languages trilingual and somebody who speaks one language
somebody who speaks one language
somebody who speaks one language American sorry sorry are there any
American sorry sorry are there any
American sorry sorry are there any Americans here today yes I don’t mean to
Americans here today yes I don’t mean to
Americans here today yes I don’t mean to denigrate the Americans okay denigrate
denigrate the Americans okay denigrate
denigrate the Americans okay denigrate means to put down
so I needed to learn some German so I
so I needed to learn some German so I start to learn German in a group and it
start to learn German in a group and it
start to learn German in a group and it was like was a Spanish guy a French guy
was like was a Spanish guy a French guy
was like was a Spanish guy a French guy in Italian and me sounds like a joke it
in Italian and me sounds like a joke it
in Italian and me sounds like a joke it was we all want to learn the most
was we all want to learn the most
was we all want to learn the most important things for each of us so there
important things for each of us so there
important things for each of us so there the French guys you are so beautiful
the French guys you are so beautiful
the French guys you are so beautiful the Spanish guy your sister is so
the Spanish guy your sister is so
the Spanish guy your sister is so beautiful the Italian guy your mother is
beautiful the Italian guy your mother is
beautiful the Italian guy your mother is so beautiful and me one beer please but
so beautiful and me one beer please but
so beautiful and me one beer please but we had to learn another word another
we had to learn another word another
we had to learn another word another more important words was punctuality the
more important words was punctuality the
more important words was punctuality the Spanish guy always came like mañana
Spanish guy always came like mañana
Spanish guy always came like mañana mañana he said I didn’t know no idea
mañana he said I didn’t know no idea
mañana he said I didn’t know no idea what that meant but I had to find out
what that meant but I had to find out
what that meant but I had to find out what it meant tomorrow and then he
what it meant tomorrow and then he
what it meant tomorrow and then he explains me manana means the work will
explains me manana means the work will
explains me manana means the work will be done tomorrow next week next year
be done tomorrow next week next year
be done tomorrow next week next year whenever then he asked me what’s the
whenever then he asked me what’s the
whenever then he asked me what’s the equivalent word in Ireland don’t have a
equivalent word in Ireland don’t have a
equivalent word in Ireland don’t have a word for anything so urgent
and then a little bit of German is a
and then a little bit of German is a dangerous thing a little bit of German
dangerous thing a little bit of German
dangerous thing a little bit of German is a dangerous thing I went to
is a dangerous thing I went to
is a dangerous thing I went to Oktoberfest and I saw this guy having a
Oktoberfest and I saw this guy having a
Oktoberfest and I saw this guy having a pee on the side of the tent and I wanted
pee on the side of the tent and I wanted
pee on the side of the tent and I wanted to say to look that is disgusting
to say to look that is disgusting
to say to look that is disgusting now the problem in English the word for
now the problem in English the word for
now the problem in English the word for disgusting is gross and the word gross
disgusting is gross and the word gross
disgusting is gross and the word gross in German means big so I’ve said too low
in German means big so I’ve said too low
in German means big so I’ve said too low that is gross he went Oh danke Schoen
that is gross he went Oh danke Schoen
that is gross he went Oh danke Schoen danke red dye get your on you told us
danke red dye get your on you told us
danke red dye get your on you told us people to come thank you very much for
people to come thank you very much for
people to come thank you very much for your attention
you
you [Music]
”
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