beauty standards changed constantly that’s why they make so much makeup so
that’s why they make so much makeup so
that’s why they make so much makeup so if you don’t like the way you can look
if you don’t like the way you can look
if you don’t like the way you can look you can paint another person over you
you can paint another person over you
you can paint another person over you and live as that person I think one of
and live as that person I think one of
and live as that person I think one of the greatest evidences of change even
the greatest evidences of change even
the greatest evidences of change even beauty standards is eyebrows eyebrows
beauty standards is eyebrows eyebrows
beauty standards is eyebrows eyebrows have evolved faster than any living
have evolved faster than any living
have evolved faster than any living organism eyebrows shed some light on the
organism eyebrows shed some light on the
organism eyebrows shed some light on the beauty myths
beauty myths
beauty myths but I think there’s one attribute of
but I think there’s one attribute of
but I think there’s one attribute of beauty that blows it wide open as a
beauty that blows it wide open as a
beauty that blows it wide open as a construct of a fickle mass-media and
construct of a fickle mass-media and
construct of a fickle mass-media and that is but now we celebrate butts right
that is but now we celebrate butts right
that is but now we celebrate butts right we live in a grand Kardashian era but
we live in a grand Kardashian era but
we live in a grand Kardashian era but when I was growing up in the 80s and 90s
when I was growing up in the 80s and 90s
when I was growing up in the 80s and 90s butts were different right butts were
butts were different right butts were
butts were different right butts were flat and square and kind of geometric it
flat and square and kind of geometric it
flat and square and kind of geometric it was a very new wave but time in the 80s
was a very new wave but time in the 80s
was a very new wave but time in the 80s in fact I was watching a movie not too
in fact I was watching a movie not too
in fact I was watching a movie not too long ago moving made in the 80s about
long ago moving made in the 80s about
long ago moving made in the 80s about the 1950s grease y’all remember grease a
the 1950s grease y’all remember grease a
the 1950s grease y’all remember grease a lot of butts of that nature by the way
lot of butts of that nature by the way
lot of butts of that nature by the way turns out not a feminist film
turns out not a feminist film
turns out not a feminist film I was watching that movie pretty sure
I was watching that movie pretty sure
I was watching that movie pretty sure dude confesses to rape right at the gate
dude confesses to rape right at the gate
dude confesses to rape right at the gate and they’re like wah bop a loo bop a la
and they’re like wah bop a loo bop a la
and they’re like wah bop a loo bop a la bet they don’t care
bet they don’t care
bet they don’t care this woman changes everything about
this woman changes everything about
this woman changes everything about herself to get this man to love her
herself to get this man to love her
herself to get this man to love her right and the last scene she’s poured in
right and the last scene she’s poured in
right and the last scene she’s poured in that black lycra sausage casing and I
that black lycra sausage casing and I
that black lycra sausage casing and I watched this movie when I was 12 years
watched this movie when I was 12 years
watched this movie when I was 12 years old and I remember looking at Sandy in
old and I remember looking at Sandy in
old and I remember looking at Sandy in that black lycra and looking at my own
that black lycra and looking at my own
that black lycra and looking at my own quickly developing belly hips thighs but
quickly developing belly hips thighs but
quickly developing belly hips thighs but thinking how am I gonna get my body to
thinking how am I gonna get my body to
thinking how am I gonna get my body to look like that body how am I gonna get
look like that body how am I gonna get
look like that body how am I gonna get what sandy gets how am I gonna get a gay
what sandy gets how am I gonna get a gay
what sandy gets how am I gonna get a gay man to love me y’all
don’t worry I figured it out he just
don’t worry I figured it out he just Sparkle and be yourself and it’s not
Sparkle and be yourself and it’s not
Sparkle and be yourself and it’s not like I couldn’t wear a black lycra
like I couldn’t wear a black lycra
like I couldn’t wear a black lycra bodysuit
bodysuit
bodysuit right that’s kind of the point of lycra
right that’s kind of the point of lycra
right that’s kind of the point of lycra but he’s 1995 there were not options
but he’s 1995 there were not options
but he’s 1995 there were not options that’s sexy for plus-size women in fact
that’s sexy for plus-size women in fact
that’s sexy for plus-size women in fact there were one there’s one plus-size
there were one there’s one plus-size
there were one there’s one plus-size option at my home mall the Clackamas
option at my home mall the Clackamas
option at my home mall the Clackamas town center and that was lame Bryant
town center and that was lame Bryant
town center and that was lame Bryant Lane Bryant is a store you shop out when
Lane Bryant is a store you shop out when
Lane Bryant is a store you shop out when you want to look like a substitute
you want to look like a substitute
you want to look like a substitute teacher it’s gotten better but back then
teacher it’s gotten better but back then
teacher it’s gotten better but back then it was a lot of business casual just the
it was a lot of business casual just the
it was a lot of business casual just the name Lane it’s not like a fun girl’s
name Lane it’s not like a fun girl’s
name Lane it’s not like a fun girl’s name right hey do you want to go to a
name right hey do you want to go to a
name right hey do you want to go to a party at lanes house Lane Bryant that
party at lanes house Lane Bryant that
party at lanes house Lane Bryant that girl who Yelp’s her favorite teachers no
girl who Yelp’s her favorite teachers no
girl who Yelp’s her favorite teachers no I’m good I don’t wanna go to that party
I’m good I don’t wanna go to that party
I’m good I don’t wanna go to that party there’s a lot of Cardigan to sets a lot
there’s a lot of Cardigan to sets a lot
there’s a lot of Cardigan to sets a lot of Blazers at that time and that’s what
of Blazers at that time and that’s what
of Blazers at that time and that’s what I wore to middle school I looked bizarre
I wore to middle school I looked bizarre
I wore to middle school I looked bizarre if I missed the day of school kids would
if I missed the day of school kids would
if I missed the day of school kids would be like hey where’s Bree I think she had
be like hey where’s Bree I think she had
be like hey where’s Bree I think she had a job interview
a job interview
a job interview I think she’s temping HR was an HR look
I think she’s temping HR was an HR look
I think she’s temping HR was an HR look very Karen from accounting looked very
very Karen from accounting looked very
very Karen from accounting looked very weird not only that but when I go to the
weird not only that but when I go to the
weird not only that but when I go to the mall with my friends I’d have to leave
mall with my friends I’d have to leave
mall with my friends I’d have to leave them at the Abercrombie & Fitch end of
them at the Abercrombie & Fitch end of
them at the Abercrombie & Fitch end of the mall and go to the weird end of the
the mall and go to the weird end of the
the mall and go to the weird end of the mall with like the orthopedic shoes and
mall with like the orthopedic shoes and
mall with like the orthopedic shoes and the summer sausage kiosk and I was 12
the summer sausage kiosk and I was 12
the summer sausage kiosk and I was 12 and my body was literally separating me
and my body was literally separating me
and my body was literally separating me from people it was isolating I started
from people it was isolating I started
from people it was isolating I started to feel different and I started to want
to feel different and I started to want
to feel different and I started to want to cover myself up in fact I skipped the
to cover myself up in fact I skipped the
to cover myself up in fact I skipped the swimming unit and P in PE because I
swimming unit and P in PE because I
swimming unit and P in PE because I didn’t want anybody to see me in a
didn’t want anybody to see me in a
didn’t want anybody to see me in a swimsuit I was 12 and I loved swimming I
swimsuit I was 12 and I loved swimming I
swimsuit I was 12 and I loved swimming I was great at it – I never drowned at all
was great at it – I never drowned at all
was great at it – I never drowned at all but it was isolating because I was
but it was isolating because I was
but it was isolating because I was cursing my body at that time firfer for
cursing my body at that time firfer for
cursing my body at that time firfer for keeping me away from my friends the
keeping me away from my friends the
keeping me away from my friends the weird end of the mall from keeping me
weird end of the mall from keeping me
weird end of the mall from keeping me out of the pool from keeping me out of
out of the pool from keeping me out of
out of the pool from keeping me out of the central Danny and Sandy romance that
the central Danny and Sandy romance that
the central Danny and Sandy romance that I thought wasn’t for me left alone
I thought wasn’t for me left alone
I thought wasn’t for me left alone this perceived rejection I lost weight I
this perceived rejection I lost weight I
this perceived rejection I lost weight I gained weight I hated myself I harmed
gained weight I hated myself I harmed
gained weight I hated myself I harmed myself try to get very small right try
myself try to get very small right try
myself try to get very small right try to suck in my gut all the time it’s like
to suck in my gut all the time it’s like
to suck in my gut all the time it’s like cramps slowly through changes felt in
cramps slowly through changes felt in
cramps slowly through changes felt in the world through changes I enacted in
the world through changes I enacted in
the world through changes I enacted in my alone life things got a lot better
my alone life things got a lot better
my alone life things got a lot better today 2017 I wear a bikini to the beach
today 2017 I wear a bikini to the beach
today 2017 I wear a bikini to the beach and swim whenever I want I go to the
and swim whenever I want I go to the
and swim whenever I want I go to the mall and I cram this fat backyard into
mall and I cram this fat backyard into
mall and I cram this fat backyard into clothes I find at any store I want I got
clothes I find at any store I want I got
clothes I find at any store I want I got this shirt at Baby Gap I think it looks
this shirt at Baby Gap I think it looks
this shirt at Baby Gap I think it looks pretty cute I don’t try to get small I’m
pretty cute I don’t try to get small I’m
pretty cute I don’t try to get small I’m a stand-up comedian I stand front and
a stand-up comedian I stand front and
a stand-up comedian I stand front and center on stage and I tell audiences all
center on stage and I tell audiences all
center on stage and I tell audiences all over the country that shame is for
over the country that shame is for
over the country that shame is for suckers that no one in this house should
suckers that no one in this house should
suckers that no one in this house should feel ashamed about the size of their
feel ashamed about the size of their
feel ashamed about the size of their body or what their body looks like just
body or what their body looks like just
body or what their body looks like just the smells everything else celebrate it
the smells everything else celebrate it
the smells everything else celebrate it yes and whatever beauty standard is
yes and whatever beauty standard is
yes and whatever beauty standard is leaving you out today
leaving you out today
leaving you out today may it be thinness whiteness a focus on
may it be thinness whiteness a focus on
may it be thinness whiteness a focus on youth on able bodies or binary gender
youth on able bodies or binary gender
youth on able bodies or binary gender presentation you too can rid yourself of
presentation you too can rid yourself of
presentation you too can rid yourself of these ideologies by using my three-step
these ideologies by using my three-step
these ideologies by using my three-step method are you ready for these Oprah
method are you ready for these Oprah
method are you ready for these Oprah style action items folks okay step one
style action items folks okay step one
style action items folks okay step one fix your feed right start with the stuff
fix your feed right start with the stuff
fix your feed right start with the stuff that’s under your control the average
that’s under your control the average
that’s under your control the average person may see thousands of ads every
person may see thousands of ads every
person may see thousands of ads every day images messages every day via mass
day images messages every day via mass
day images messages every day via mass media at least take control of your
media at least take control of your
media at least take control of your social media you see there’s this
social media you see there’s this
social media you see there’s this beautiful word that the internet created
beautiful word that the internet created
beautiful word that the internet created it’s melodious and it will be etched
it’s melodious and it will be etched
it’s melodious and it will be etched into the scrolls of eternity it is
into the scrolls of eternity it is
into the scrolls of eternity it is unfollow
unfollow
unfollow right get rid of the language and
right get rid of the language and
right get rid of the language and messages that other you and replace it
messages that other you and replace it
messages that other you and replace it with the beauty you want to see my
with the beauty you want to see my
with the beauty you want to see my Instagram feed today is only plus-size
Instagram feed today is only plus-size
Instagram feed today is only plus-size models drag queens and professional
models drag queens and professional
models drag queens and professional basketball players and it’s my favorite
basketball players and it’s my favorite
basketball players and it’s my favorite place in the world after curating your
place in the world after curating your
place in the world after curating your social media you can turn your attention
social media you can turn your attention
social media you can turn your attention to the messages in your immediate
to the messages in your immediate
to the messages in your immediate vicinity I’m embedding that some of your
vicinity I’m embedding that some of your
vicinity I’m embedding that some of your loved ones uphold beauty standards that
loved ones uphold beauty standards that
loved ones uphold beauty standards that other you to your face but did you know
other you to your face but did you know
other you to your face but did you know you can tell those people to be quiet
you can tell those people to be quiet
you can tell those people to be quiet which brings me to step two ask your
which brings me to step two ask your
which brings me to step two ask your people to watch your mouth it sounds
people to watch your mouth it sounds
people to watch your mouth it sounds scary but it can be very simple as this
scary but it can be very simple as this
scary but it can be very simple as this mom your beauty standards are not my
mom your beauty standards are not my
mom your beauty standards are not my beauty standards when you use language
beauty standards when you use language
beauty standards when you use language that others me makes me feel left out
that others me makes me feel left out
that others me makes me feel left out since we’re friends and our family I
since we’re friends and our family I
since we’re friends and our family I knew you’d be willing to hear me out and
knew you’d be willing to hear me out and
knew you’d be willing to hear me out and try your best thanks for listening see
try your best thanks for listening see
try your best thanks for listening see you at brunch button it up at the end
you at brunch button it up at the end
you at brunch button it up at the end and that’s an example of a very healthy
and that’s an example of a very healthy
and that’s an example of a very healthy request but you can be rude I give you
request but you can be rude I give you
request but you can be rude I give you function I know I’m like Oprah but a
function I know I’m like Oprah but a
function I know I’m like Oprah but a villain once you’ve addressed your
villain once you’ve addressed your
villain once you’ve addressed your social media and your well-intentioned
social media and your well-intentioned
social media and your well-intentioned haters you can start cutting body
haters you can start cutting body
haters you can start cutting body policing and unrealistic beauty
policing and unrealistic beauty
policing and unrealistic beauty standards from your own brain and look
standards from your own brain and look
standards from your own brain and look I’m not a therapist I can’t provide a
I’m not a therapist I can’t provide a
I’m not a therapist I can’t provide a lot of help not a professional therapist
lot of help not a professional therapist
lot of help not a professional therapist or even that good of a listener but I
or even that good of a listener but I
or even that good of a listener but I can tell you to start talking
can tell you to start talking
can tell you to start talking differently to yourself which brings me
differently to yourself which brings me
differently to yourself which brings me to step 3 do stand-up comedy
to step 3 do stand-up comedy
to step 3 do stand-up comedy hear me out what when I started stand-up
hear me out what when I started stand-up
hear me out what when I started stand-up comedy I did the thing that a lot of
comedy I did the thing that a lot of
comedy I did the thing that a lot of comedians do when they first start which
comedians do when they first start which
comedians do when they first start which is to open with a joke denigrating the
is to open with a joke denigrating the
is to open with a joke denigrating the way I look right but man I didn’t work
way I look right but man I didn’t work
way I look right but man I didn’t work for all this body piece just a trash
for all this body piece just a trash
for all this body piece just a trash talk myself to a bunch of strangers so
talk myself to a bunch of strangers so
talk myself to a bunch of strangers so then I tried something different tried
then I tried something different tried
then I tried something different tried telling jokes that made me feel big and
telling jokes that made me feel big and
telling jokes that made me feel big and sexy and powerful and it was great and
sexy and powerful and it was great and
sexy and powerful and it was great and the thing about being Santa comic is you
the thing about being Santa comic is you
the thing about being Santa comic is you repeat these jokes over and over again
repeat these jokes over and over again
repeat these jokes over and over again so every night I was saying these words
so every night I was saying these words
so every night I was saying these words to myself and and hold
to myself and and hold
to myself and and hold these words in my mouth and the message
these words in my mouth and the message
these words in my mouth and the message sunk into my bones it works now on the
sunk into my bones it works now on the
sunk into my bones it works now on the off chance that you do not want a life
off chance that you do not want a life
off chance that you do not want a life of open mikes
of open mikes
of open mikes chicken fingers and listening to 23 year
chicken fingers and listening to 23 year
chicken fingers and listening to 23 year olds find themselves don’t do stand-up
olds find themselves don’t do stand-up
olds find themselves don’t do stand-up comedy but do use the lesson that I
comedy but do use the lesson that I
comedy but do use the lesson that I learned from stand-up comedy which is to
learned from stand-up comedy which is to
learned from stand-up comedy which is to be impeccable with the words you use
be impeccable with the words you use
be impeccable with the words you use when you speak on your body your shell
when you speak on your body your shell
when you speak on your body your shell the bark of your tree because ultimately
the bark of your tree because ultimately
the bark of your tree because ultimately when you strip away the Kardashians and
when you strip away the Kardashians and
when you strip away the Kardashians and the pop culture and the lycra and the
the pop culture and the lycra and the
the pop culture and the lycra and the business casual what you’re left with is
business casual what you’re left with is
business casual what you’re left with is your body which is a vehicle to your
your body which is a vehicle to your
your body which is a vehicle to your dreams so let’s talk about where you’re
dreams so let’s talk about where you’re
dreams so let’s talk about where you’re going thank you
going thank you
going thank you [Applause]
”
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