oh I’m sorry somebody must have told you that this was gonna be some sort of calm
that this was gonna be some sort of calm
that this was gonna be some sort of calm day where you learned like cute facts
day where you learned like cute facts
day where you learned like cute facts from people in colourful pants but it’s
from people in colourful pants but it’s
from people in colourful pants but it’s my turn now and from my turn
my turn now and from my turn
my turn now and from my turn I’d really like to remind you of your
I’d really like to remind you of your
I’d really like to remind you of your own mortality
own mortality
own mortality so how comfortable are you with your
so how comfortable are you with your
so how comfortable are you with your impending doom pretty comfy all right
impending doom pretty comfy all right
impending doom pretty comfy all right cool I asked you this question
cool I asked you this question
cool I asked you this question because you are all making choices every
because you are all making choices every
because you are all making choices every day that wildly affect your lifespan and
day that wildly affect your lifespan and
day that wildly affect your lifespan and usually you make those choices without
usually you make those choices without
usually you make those choices without giving them any sort of second thought
giving them any sort of second thought
giving them any sort of second thought now according to the watch I’m not
now according to the watch I’m not
now according to the watch I’m not wearing i’ve got about eight minutes
wearing i’ve got about eight minutes
wearing i’ve got about eight minutes left of this talk and in those seven
left of this talk and in those seven
left of this talk and in those seven minutes and 55 seconds i want to draw
minutes and 55 seconds i want to draw
minutes and 55 seconds i want to draw your attention to the choices you’re
your attention to the choices you’re
your attention to the choices you’re making every morning noon and night and
making every morning noon and night and
making every morning noon and night and i want to give you a tool to make them
i want to give you a tool to make them
i want to give you a tool to make them better of course i should backtrack
better of course i should backtrack
better of course i should backtrack don’t give me too much credit for the
don’t give me too much credit for the
don’t give me too much credit for the life-changing quasi-religious experience
life-changing quasi-religious experience
life-changing quasi-religious experience that you’re about to get from my talk
that you’re about to get from my talk
that you’re about to get from my talk you see the idea is that I’m using date
you see the idea is that I’m using date
you see the idea is that I’m using date all the way back to the ancient Greek
all the way back to the ancient Greek
all the way back to the ancient Greek philosophy of hedonism and we find them
philosophy of hedonism and we find them
philosophy of hedonism and we find them today in modern academic disciplines
today in modern academic disciplines
today in modern academic disciplines like the cost-benefit analysis of
like the cost-benefit analysis of
like the cost-benefit analysis of economics what I’m about to ask you to
economics what I’m about to ask you to
economics what I’m about to ask you to do you already know how to do and you do
do you already know how to do and you do
do you already know how to do and you do it all the time every time you generate
it all the time every time you generate
it all the time every time you generate a mental pro/con list of spending the
a mental pro/con list of spending the
a mental pro/con list of spending the summer with your family or getting on
summer with your family or getting on
summer with your family or getting on that hot guys motorcycle and spending
that hot guys motorcycle and spending
that hot guys motorcycle and spending this summer wherever he takes you well
this summer wherever he takes you well
this summer wherever he takes you well that’s philosophizing like a Greek so
that’s philosophizing like a Greek so
that’s philosophizing like a Greek so let’s get started here’s a hypothetical
let’s get started here’s a hypothetical
let’s get started here’s a hypothetical what if I told you that I could get you
what if I told you that I could get you
what if I told you that I could get you a job the most amazing job in the world
a job the most amazing job in the world
a job the most amazing job in the world but it would kill you a little bit
but it would kill you a little bit
but it would kill you a little bit faster than you’re already dying let’s
faster than you’re already dying let’s
faster than you’re already dying let’s say I take this young man here in the
say I take this young man here in the
say I take this young man here in the front row and I tell him I can snap my
front row and I tell him I can snap my
front row and I tell him I can snap my fingers and make him President of the
fingers and make him President of the
fingers and make him President of the United States
United States
United States as president he could positively impact
as president he could positively impact
as president he could positively impact the country he could save dozens or
the country he could save dozens or
the country he could save dozens or hundreds or thousands of lives but it
hundreds or thousands of lives but it
hundreds or thousands of lives but it would kill him a little faster wouldn’t
would kill him a little faster wouldn’t
would kill him a little faster wouldn’t it the stress from that job would wear
it the stress from that job would wear
it the stress from that job would wear on him in a predictable fashion and he’d
on him in a predictable fashion and he’d
on him in a predictable fashion and he’d lose some of the life he would have
lose some of the life he would have
lose some of the life he would have otherwise had
otherwise had
otherwise had that’s les summers with your family les
that’s les summers with your family les
that’s les summers with your family les days spent by the pool do you take it
days spent by the pool do you take it
days spent by the pool do you take it should he I definitely take that job I
should he I definitely take that job I
should he I definitely take that job I take it and I run with it
take it and I run with it
take it and I run with it and I make the world a better place and
and I make the world a better place and
and I make the world a better place and if I die in my late 80s instead of my
if I die in my late 80s instead of my
if I die in my late 80s instead of my early 90s that’s fine
early 90s that’s fine
early 90s that’s fine I had a great death as a friend knowing
I had a great death as a friend knowing
I had a great death as a friend knowing what I had done was worth it
what I had done was worth it
what I had done was worth it but that hypothetical is probably way
but that hypothetical is probably way
but that hypothetical is probably way too easy for most of you so let me give
too easy for most of you so let me give
too easy for most of you so let me give you a second one let’s say I toe this
you a second one let’s say I toe this
you a second one let’s say I toe this young woman here in the front row that
young woman here in the front row that
young woman here in the front row that every day for the rest of her life I
every day for the rest of her life I
every day for the rest of her life I will give her one hit of sweet pure
will give her one hit of sweet pure
will give her one hit of sweet pure Colombian cocaine it’s guaranteed to
Colombian cocaine it’s guaranteed to
Colombian cocaine it’s guaranteed to make her high as a kite and happy as a
make her high as a kite and happy as a
make her high as a kite and happy as a clam for at least 20 minutes a day of
clam for at least 20 minutes a day of
clam for at least 20 minutes a day of course it is going to kill her a little
course it is going to kill her a little
course it is going to kill her a little faster because spoiler alert
faster because spoiler alert
faster because spoiler alert hey cocaine kills you that stuff is
hey cocaine kills you that stuff is
hey cocaine kills you that stuff is gonna ruin her kidneys and really mess
gonna ruin her kidneys and really mess
gonna ruin her kidneys and really mess up her brain chemistry and not only is
up her brain chemistry and not only is
up her brain chemistry and not only is she going to lose some of her life she’s
she going to lose some of her life she’s
she going to lose some of her life she’s gonna lose some of her friends and
gonna lose some of her friends and
gonna lose some of her friends and family along the way too so what do you
family along the way too so what do you
family along the way too so what do you do do you take it
alright alright I I don’t take that deal
alright alright I I don’t take that deal that cocaine is gonna kill me a lot
that cocaine is gonna kill me a lot
that cocaine is gonna kill me a lot faster than being president would and I
faster than being president would and I
faster than being president would and I wouldn’t get near as much satisfaction
wouldn’t get near as much satisfaction
wouldn’t get near as much satisfaction from it for me the costs outweigh the
from it for me the costs outweigh the
from it for me the costs outweigh the benefits so you’re probably thinking how
benefits so you’re probably thinking how
benefits so you’re probably thinking how does any of this relate to you I told
does any of this relate to you I told
does any of this relate to you I told you you made these decisions every day
you you made these decisions every day
you you made these decisions every day and that stuff’s crazy so let’s get out
and that stuff’s crazy so let’s get out
and that stuff’s crazy so let’s get out of the hypotheticals when we talk about
of the hypotheticals when we talk about
of the hypotheticals when we talk about nutrition we’re essentially asking the
nutrition we’re essentially asking the
nutrition we’re essentially asking the same questions I’ve been asking these
same questions I’ve been asking these
same questions I’ve been asking these people in the front row you see I’m
people in the front row you see I’m
people in the front row you see I’m already addicted to cocaine more
already addicted to cocaine more
already addicted to cocaine more accurately I’m addicted to semi-dried
accurately I’m addicted to semi-dried
accurately I’m addicted to semi-dried pieces of Apple they’ve got the texture
pieces of Apple they’ve got the texture
pieces of Apple they’ve got the texture of marshmallow oh my god I think it’s
of marshmallow oh my god I think it’s
of marshmallow oh my god I think it’s really satisfying it’s down when you
really satisfying it’s down when you
really satisfying it’s down when you bite them mmm oh you’re super good
hmm
hmm oh it’s so good it’s so good okay all
oh it’s so good it’s so good okay all
oh it’s so good it’s so good okay all right I’m back I’m back these things are
right I’m back I’m back these things are
right I’m back I’m back these things are delicious they are my favorite treat I
delicious they are my favorite treat I
delicious they are my favorite treat I love them so much I script it in that
love them so much I script it in that
love them so much I script it in that excuse to eat one in front of you for
excuse to eat one in front of you for
excuse to eat one in front of you for this talk but usually I only eat them on
this talk but usually I only eat them on
this talk but usually I only eat them on Saturdays and Sundays now you may be
Saturdays and Sundays now you may be
Saturdays and Sundays now you may be thinking but destiny rose you just said
thinking but destiny rose you just said
thinking but destiny rose you just said they were fruit that means they’re
they were fruit that means they’re
they were fruit that means they’re healthy if they’re really your favorite
healthy if they’re really your favorite
healthy if they’re really your favorite thing why aren’t you eating them all the
thing why aren’t you eating them all the
thing why aren’t you eating them all the time always constantly and forever and
time always constantly and forever and
time always constantly and forever and the answer is my cocaine II little Apple
the answer is my cocaine II little Apple
the answer is my cocaine II little Apple bits kill me just like the cocaine I’m
bits kill me just like the cocaine I’m
bits kill me just like the cocaine I’m giving her after this show as fruits
giving her after this show as fruits
giving her after this show as fruits they’re jam-packed with sugar which can
they’re jam-packed with sugar which can
they’re jam-packed with sugar which can feed unhealthy bacteria in my body and
feed unhealthy bacteria in my body and
feed unhealthy bacteria in my body and trigger flashbulb insulin responses that
trigger flashbulb insulin responses that
trigger flashbulb insulin responses that can lead to diabetes in the long term
can lead to diabetes in the long term
can lead to diabetes in the long term now they’re not as bad as say something
now they’re not as bad as say something
now they’re not as bad as say something like soda which in my current example is
like soda which in my current example is
like soda which in my current example is kind of like super meth but they’re also
kind of like super meth but they’re also
kind of like super meth but they’re also not as good as something like mushrooms
not as good as something like mushrooms
not as good as something like mushrooms which in this current example is is kind
which in this current example is is kind
which in this current example is is kind of like mushrooms I know my cocaine II
of like mushrooms I know my cocaine II
of like mushrooms I know my cocaine II Apple bits kill me a little so I’ve
Apple bits kill me a little so I’ve
Apple bits kill me a little so I’ve chosen to only eat them on days that
chosen to only eat them on days that
chosen to only eat them on days that start with s when Saturday rolls around
start with s when Saturday rolls around
start with s when Saturday rolls around and I’ve been good all week eating my
and I’ve been good all week eating my
and I’ve been good all week eating my leafy greens I grab a bag of those
leafy greens I grab a bag of those
leafy greens I grab a bag of those babies and I go full Scarface on them
babies and I go full Scarface on them
babies and I go full Scarface on them that kills me a little bit but I’m okay
that kills me a little bit but I’m okay
that kills me a little bit but I’m okay with it I’m okay with that much death in
with it I’m okay with that much death in
with it I’m okay with that much death in my life I’ve made the decision to do
my life I’ve made the decision to do
my life I’ve made the decision to do well to do that using the Greek
well to do that using the Greek
well to do that using the Greek philosophy I mentioned at the very
philosophy I mentioned at the very
philosophy I mentioned at the very beginning of the talk the hedonistic
beginning of the talk the hedonistic
beginning of the talk the hedonistic calculus the hedonistic calculus is a
calculus the hedonistic calculus is a
calculus the hedonistic calculus is a mental exercise where you look at a
mental exercise where you look at a
mental exercise where you look at a choice and you try to figure out all the
choice and you try to figure out all the
choice and you try to figure out all the pain and pleasure
pain and pleasure
pain and pleasure it could cause you in the future what
it could cause you in the future what
it could cause you in the future what you’re trying to do here is really get
you’re trying to do here is really get
you’re trying to do here is really get an understanding of all the consequences
an understanding of all the consequences
an understanding of all the consequences of every action you make the goal of the
of every action you make the goal of the
of every action you make the goal of the calculus is to make your life as good as
calculus is to make your life as good as
calculus is to make your life as good as it can be for me to have a maximally
it can be for me to have a maximally
it can be for me to have a maximally pleasurable life I got to live a long
pleasurable life I got to live a long
pleasurable life I got to live a long time so I can eat a lot of delicious
time so I can eat a lot of delicious
time so I can eat a lot of delicious stuff for me to live a long time I have
stuff for me to live a long time I have
stuff for me to live a long time I have to watch what I eat because a tub of
to watch what I eat because a tub of
to watch what I eat because a tub of cookie dough for breakfast would be
cookie dough for breakfast would be
cookie dough for breakfast would be delicious but it would only be delicious
delicious but it would only be delicious
delicious but it would only be delicious for a couple of weeks
for a couple of weeks
for a couple of weeks until that inevitable heart attack made
until that inevitable heart attack made
until that inevitable heart attack made its deliciousness pretty irrelevant so I
its deliciousness pretty irrelevant so I
its deliciousness pretty irrelevant so I keep my sweets small and I’ve learned to
keep my sweets small and I’ve learned to
keep my sweets small and I’ve learned to cook vegetables in a way that makes them
cook vegetables in a way that makes them
cook vegetables in a way that makes them taste just sort of less generally sad
taste just sort of less generally sad
taste just sort of less generally sad that makes my life a lot longer giving
that makes my life a lot longer giving
that makes my life a lot longer giving me way more weekends to cover myself in
me way more weekends to cover myself in
me way more weekends to cover myself in Apple bits some of you probably strongly
Apple bits some of you probably strongly
Apple bits some of you probably strongly disagree with the restrictions that I’ve
disagree with the restrictions that I’ve
disagree with the restrictions that I’ve put on myself after doing my own
put on myself after doing my own
put on myself after doing my own calculus you say take the high profile
calculus you say take the high profile
calculus you say take the high profile job and take the Colombian cocaine too
job and take the Colombian cocaine too
job and take the Colombian cocaine too and if you drink a soda every day in the
and if you drink a soda every day in the
and if you drink a soda every day in the Oval Office that’s nobody’s business but
Oval Office that’s nobody’s business but
Oval Office that’s nobody’s business but yours some of you though I’d bet sort of
yours some of you though I’d bet sort of
yours some of you though I’d bet sort of vaguely want to see your grandkids or
vaguely want to see your grandkids or
vaguely want to see your grandkids or you want to see the world become a
you want to see the world become a
you want to see the world become a better place or you at least want to see
better place or you at least want to see
better place or you at least want to see the last of the new Star Wars movies
the last of the new Star Wars movies
the last of the new Star Wars movies yeah all right cool so whatever your
yeah all right cool so whatever your
yeah all right cool so whatever your personal cocaine is I bet you’d give up
personal cocaine is I bet you’d give up
personal cocaine is I bet you’d give up just a little bit of it to see those
just a little bit of it to see those
just a little bit of it to see those things all I’m asking you to do is think
things all I’m asking you to do is think
things all I’m asking you to do is think about it think about happy how happy a
about it think about happy how happy a
about it think about happy how happy a Snickers bar or a piece of white bread
Snickers bar or a piece of white bread
Snickers bar or a piece of white bread makes you and then go and learn how fast
makes you and then go and learn how fast
makes you and then go and learn how fast that thing is killing you and the next
that thing is killing you and the next
that thing is killing you and the next time you see a bowl of candy or a bowl
time you see a bowl of candy or a bowl
time you see a bowl of candy or a bowl of pasta pause a moment and think about
of pasta pause a moment and think about
of pasta pause a moment and think about how long you want to live how happy that
how long you want to live how happy that
how long you want to live how happy that thing makes you and how fast it’s
thing makes you and how fast it’s
thing makes you and how fast it’s killing you when you eat it maybe you’ll
killing you when you eat it maybe you’ll
killing you when you eat it maybe you’ll be like me you’ll eat mushrooms most
be like me you’ll eat mushrooms most
be like me you’ll eat mushrooms most days you’ll save coke for the weekends
days you’ll save coke for the weekends
days you’ll save coke for the weekends maybe you’ll be like some of my really
maybe you’ll be like some of my really
maybe you’ll be like some of my really healthy friends who just live an entire
healthy friends who just live an entire
healthy friends who just live an entire life of chicken breast and kale or maybe
life of chicken breast and kale or maybe
life of chicken breast and kale or maybe you will reorganize your priorities and
you will reorganize your priorities and
you will reorganize your priorities and you’ll go and buy stock and potato chips
you’ll go and buy stock and potato chips
you’ll go and buy stock and potato chips it is quite literally your funeral I
it is quite literally your funeral I
it is quite literally your funeral I can’t make that decision for you but you
can’t make that decision for you but you
can’t make that decision for you but you should know what’s killing you and when
should know what’s killing you and when
should know what’s killing you and when you find out I encourage you to find
you find out I encourage you to find
you find out I encourage you to find your own balance between kale and
your own balance between kale and
your own balance between kale and cocaine thanks I’ll see you after the
cocaine thanks I’ll see you after the
cocaine thanks I’ll see you after the show for that Coke
show for that Coke
show for that Coke [Applause]
”
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